BINGHAMTON REVIEW
Dear Mr. DiTocco,
I hereby resign the Office of Editor-in-Chief of the Binghamton Review.
Sincerely,
The Honorable Angelo DiTocco
The Managing Editor of Binghamton Review Binghamton, N.Y. 13902
Our Mission
Increase shareholder value and be a little silly! Also, go to the bottom right corner of page 10.
Views expressed by writers do absolutely represent the views of the publication as a whole.
Advice Column
We offered to give you all life advice. Here were your questions.
Hey, so… I’m a Pipedream opinion writer and something crazy just happened! The B.U.T.T. accidentally added me to their Signal group chat detailing their classified plans to destroy Pipedream stands around campus. What should I do?
She yerked on my gherkin but now we’re “friends.” What did I do? Is it my fault?
Nah, they just be like that sometimes
An inflatable among us guy with a yarmulke ran me over on a scooter. How can I track him down and get revenge?
If it was a hoverboard you can make a video calling him cringe with CS:GO footage in the background
What are you reviewing?
Law
Why does everyone shit on me for drinking RC Cola? Isn’t it like the best drink?
Man, just spend $8 on coffee like the rest of us
I read Binghamton Review’s constitution. Why is there a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” clause in there?
Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet…
Best places to get a fake ID? Not for alc tho. I think I ran over Baxter. Oops!
The Fake ID Store? IDK. I just waited till I turned 21 like the tradcath I am.
I was reading Dexerto on X and he said that Ishowspeed strengthened U.S.-China relations. Is this a good thing? I really can’t tell.
COMMIE! Where’s Senator McCarthy when you need him? (Fly High king )
Since Aiden uses AutoPen in his editorials, does that mean the Review is illegitimately run?
This magazine has an editorial? I just like to look at the funny pictures.
Written by our Staff
Where my hug at?
It’s at Brandywine. But good luck finding it tho. If you accidentally go to the wrong building you’ll get the cops called on you
When is Bing Review gonna address the sexual assault allegations?
Wdym, this is an incel magazine
Aiden, what’s your morning routine like?
4 am: wake up 4:05 am: take a shit 4:10 am: get out of bed
What are the health benefits of dipping your face in iced Saratoga water? I saw some influencer do that and I was wondering if you do that too.
It won’t help you write better, but it can make you stay airborne for 4 minutes. However useful that is is up to you.
Well I don’t have Saratoga water. Can I use the Binghamton discolored water instead?
If it comes from Saratoga I guess it’s close enough
How do I hard-launch my new girlfriend to my friends?
Love is in the air and life is better with you by my side! We look forward to our journey through life together. At this time, we would appreciate privacy for all those close to our hearts.
Any predictions for what will happen in the Minecraft movie?
Jack Black will just list the entire creative inventory, then say “It’s mining time” and mine all over the place. Either that or they’ll just make it WOKE with all those new DEI characters
How can we make the meal plan better? I pay way too much for this crap!
Redistribute the balance halfway through the semester
Does the Review write all of their advice column questions?
Need life advice? Email review@binghamtonsa.org for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
hello guys today im gonna teach you how to get FREE meal plan money on your binghamton meal plan account
this is confirmed 100% still working in 2010, completely safe and virus free if you find this tutorial helpful be sure to like and subscribe :D ok lets get right into it
first thing you want to do is open your browser i use mozilla but internet explorer works just fine then go to the address bar and type binghamton.edu which is the official binghamton university website
click on student life then dining services, this will take you to the sodexo website (sodexo is the company that owns the meal plan)
click on meal plan then click on account access and this will take you to the page where you can see your meal plan account
enter your user name and password
now you can see here it says 25.80 which is my meal plan balance, its pretty low cause i spent too much money on tacos and epic bacon XD
ok this next part is going to be a bit tricky and technical so bare with me you basically want to right click somewhere on the website and then click inspect this makes a bunch of weird stuff come up which it basically the code of the website and by editing this code you can basically hack into your account and change the money you have
there will be multiple tabs in your code window you want to make sure you are in the tab called elements (like the elements of the website)
ok now what you need to do next is different depending on what type of computer you have windows or mac
if you have windows you need to hold down the control key in the bottom left corner of your keyboard and then press f
if you have a mac it will be the same thing except instead of the control key you hold down the command key which should also be in the bottom left
this will bring up a little search bar where you can type in a word to look for it in the code
so you want to type in the amount of money you have so here i will type in 25.80 and hit enter now im in the code where the amount of money is so all you have to do is edit this to say whatever amount you want, here i will type in 9001 (its over 9000!)
and now as you can see in the website i now have unlimited meal plan money!!!!!!!1 thank you for watching! leave a like and subscribe if this was helpful
By “Art of the Deal” O’Sullivan
SA Bans “Single-Use Condoms” in Sustainability Push
In accordance with Chancellor King’s plan to phase out single-use plastics, the Student Association at Binghamton University is BANNING non-reusable condoms from her big, beautiful campus, EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY!” wrote Executive Vice President Batia Rabin in a TruthSocial post last Tuesday. The post coincided with the office of President Skrastins issuing executive order 6980, which defined condoms as a “clear and present danger to Binghamton University’s ecological niche, particularly the turtles, whales, salamanders, and other endangered species of the nature preserve.” The order requires all condoms currently possessed by students to be “surrendered to the nearest SA officer such that they be burnt in a great pyre at the peace quad on Good Friday, together with those dissidents who withhold or soil any single-use condoms before that day.”
“FROM BREADTH, THROUGH DEPTH, TO PERSPECTIVE!” the crowd shouted.
“Furthermore!” Skratstins continued, “A terrible plot against the President and against Binghamton University has been uncovered. A group of high-ranking SA members has conspired to remove me from power. All the guilty parties are in this room.” Skratstins then read out a list of names which Binghamton Review has not been permitted to publish.
The policy follows a recent pattern of gradual single-use plastic bans on SUNY campuses, with severe consequences for those who fail to comply.
On February 29, the president and vice president of College Republicans were beheaded for using inflatable plastic “TRUMP/ PENCE” balloons on inauguration day. With his head on the block and hands in the air, club President Shane Rossi could be heard quoting the guy in the car in that one TikTok who said “Donald Trump if you can hear us please, Donald Trump please save me.” The executioner, Arthur O’Sullivan, could be heard whispering “Your Fuhrer can’t pardon you now” before swinging his ax. Similarly, club Vice President Comson Cao spoke softly to the executioner, saying “Be not afraid of your office; you send me to God.” before gently laying his head on the block.
Legal challenges against the SA’s authority to execute students were rebuked by the Judicial Board. Writing the unanimous decision, Chief Justice Watts quoted Sotomayor’s dissent from Trump v. United States (2024), particularly the lines “[If the president] orders the Navy’s Seal Team 6 to assassinate a political rival? Immune. Organizes a military coup to hold onto power? Immune. Takes a bribe in exchange for a pardon? Immune. Immune, immune, immune.” Under this interpretation, Watts writes, “Only death can stop us now! Our president is immune to all!”
Following this decision, President Skratstins held an emergency SA meeting at the YS Kim Korean Student Center. In a speech to the gathered congress, executive bureaucracy, and judicial board members, Skratstins announced that “In light of recent developments, I am adopting Yoon Sook Yeol thought. Though the nation of South Korea was not ready for his genius, I believe that Binghamton University is ready for mine. Therefore, I am officially declaring martial law until the present crisis is quelled. FROM BREADTH, THROUGH DEPTH, TO PERSPECTIVE!”
“FROM BREADTH, THROUGH DEPTH, TO PERSPECTIVE!” the crowd shouted.
Some have raised concerns about the condom ban’s implications for sexual health. Barry McKockner, president of the Binghamton University Swingers club, informs me that single-use condoms are absolutely critical for preventing the spread of sexually transmitted diseases like pregnancy among his members. “Now, maybe we could have used Plan B from one of those library vending machines instead. But they use — you guessed it! — single-use plastic in their packaging,” Barry told me off-record. Luca Cassidy, Vice President for Student Success and spearhead of the Plan B vending machine initiative, could not be reached for comment and has not been seen since Skratstins’ martial law declaration. The administration has not been completely silent in the face of criticism. In a mass-email sent at 2:41 A.M., Vice President of Programming Atticus Fauci wrote “WILL YOU DEGENERATES STOP EMAILING ME ABOUT THE CONDOM BAN?! I’M SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT! Yes, my office is responsible for the entertainment of students, but there are OTHER WAYS OF ENTERTAINING YOURSELVES!”
The most controversial extension of the executive order banning single-use condoms is found in footnote 800(1)8(c)13(u)5(p), which reads “This ban extends to all abortions procured by students, faculty, and staff for violating our conventions of basic morality. Specifically, the plastics used to wrap the surgical implements in an autoclave are single-use and often disposed of improperly. When I imagine a little turtle choking to death on plastic from a Planned Parenthood, I can’t help but cry.” Critics have argued that this effectively leaves students without any real means of contraception. Conservative Catholics such as Aiden Miller responded in support of the footnote, saying “Hell yeah! Suck it losers! Hope you like having a big family!”
At time of writing, Binghamton University is under siege. Orange Dictator in Chief Donald Trump, presumably after eating two scoops of ice cream, has sent the National Guard to re-establish its authority over Binghamton University and force single-use plastics down our throats. “Skratstins’ Army,” the SA president’s revolutionary guard, is heroically holding out against the oppressor’s sword, but can’t last without our collective help. Binghamton Review expects every person to do their duty: use your meal plan money to buy war bonds today!
I’m Nikki Haley, and I approve this message.
SOM Entrance Exam
Written by our Staff
Binghamton University’s School of Management is known for having one of the most prestigious curricula of all time. As such, gifted applicants may find themselves up at night wondering whether they’ll be admitted. For all you young geniuses out there, this quiz is a 99% predictor of admission into SOM. You can thank me for all the time you’ve saved later.
1. What is a quadratic equation?
a. One of the mixed drinks at Tom’s
b. The third gender
c. Something that has x2 in it
d. The new Celsius flavor
2. Why don’t they have the Shamrock Shake year-round?
a. Corporate greed
b. Supply and demand
c. Libtards
d. Conservashits
3. What kind of relationship is shown in the graphs below?
a. Positive
b. Negative
c. Toxic
d. None
4. If the average grade on a test is 32, and the standard deviation is 5, what grade do you have to get in the top 10% of the class?
a. 10
b. 69
c. 420
d. All of the above
5. If the customer is always right in matters of taste, why are they serving me this raw-ass chicken?
a. That’s photoshopped
b. That’s AI-generated
c. The cooks are DEI hires
d. Well your taste is bad, duh
6. How did you get your first internship?
a. Father
b. Uncle
c. Relative of some kind
d. Leave this blank
7. What’s the longest essay you’ve ever written? Include your name and the title in the word count.
a. 250 words
b. 500 words
c. 750 words
d. my double-sided cheat sheet
Congratulations! You’ve successfully completed the SOM entrance exam. Proceed to connect the dots (in number order) to receive your diploma.
Surviving the Arby’s Meat Mountain™
America’s invention of fast food as we know it only accelerates our reputation as pioneers of gluttony and all things unhealthy in the eyes of the rest of the world, a view which I myself held for quite a while before moving here. I always held stereotypes such as the scooter-ridden, burger-brandishing Walmart warrior, with a grain of salt, or Butylated hydroxyanisole, as it were, but when I heard that the tales of the Arby’s Meat Mountain were true, curiosity took hold, and the presence of an Arby’s on our very own Vestal Parkway did not help.
The legendary secret menu item is an affront to all things conducive to arterial integrity and is seen by many as a confirmation of their already negative views on the meat-focused fast food chain. This monstrosity contains every meat Arby’s has to offer, diabolically stuffed into their standard bread rolls, with the meaty monotony being broken only by two slices of cheese, one cheddar and one Swiss. This atrocity of a sandwich stacks two crispy chicken tenders, roasted turkey, corned beef, ham, brisket, Angus steak, roast beef, and bacon, bringing farm-totable in a heinous new way.
Last semester, on one fateful shopping trip with friends, the decision to visit Arby’s for lunch would change the course of our lives forever. It would be my first time eating Arby’s, and I could not wait to immediately ruin my perception of the chain by ordering the infamous Meat Mountain. The establishment was basically empty, and the only other customers present were on their way out. Trying my best to conceal my foolish grin, I approached the cashier and, with the most collected face I could muster, uttered the words “Do y’all serve the Meat Mountain?” His face dropped. The life drained from his customer service smile, and his hands fell from their readied position on the register. When he next spoke, his tone had changed: “We’re not supposed to do that…” he said, as though haunted by some unseen force. He took a brief moment to collect himself, and called out to one of the cooks in the back “Mick! You feel like
By Liam Steele
making a Meat Mountain?” A faint “yeah” followed seconds later, and the cashier held an uneasy smile as we both waited for Mick’s work to be done. He alone knew of the grave repercussions of allowing me to order that sandwich. Upon the sandwich’s completion, the cashier handed me the bag with a tinge of concern in his eye. As the bag changed hands, so did the weight of the sandwich. The small paper bag was genuinely put to its limits by a single sandwich. The symphony of meat aromas emanating from the bagfilled the air around me and my friends, as if a final cry from the particular set of animals that comprised it. As I removed the sandwich from its fickle paper prison and reached to open the box, it opened on its own. The Meat Mountain’s burgeoning heft alone had put us face to face. The box, clearly meant for normally sized sandwiches, was warped from both the aforementioned heft and the pool of grease that had accumulated within. My friends gasped in horror as my hand struggled to engulf the whole sandwich, and my jaws failed to obtain a full bite. This singular bite had most assuredly shaved at least 3 days from my lifespan, but I could not stop. I could not let the Meat Mountain win. The two slices of cheese were utterly drowned out by the rest of the sandwich, and the tenders lost their crispness in the mire of grease. The blandness of the turkey in particular cut through much of the sandwich and muddied the overall taste. Occasional notes of the multiple kinds of beef kept me going. After eating barely half of the sandwich, I felt full, I had easily taken 6 months off of my life with this feat. I had the other half of the sandwich for dinner the next night, and in this moment of reflection, I pondered on whether it was humanly possible to defeat the Meat Mountain in a single sitting.
I died approximately 2 hours after the second half of the sandwich. True story, I was there.
The Art of the Borg
By Former Speaker Paul Ryan
As we roll past St. Patty’s Day, I reminisce on my younger days. This time of year always gets me in the feels as I remember the good times: Waking up at 9:00 am to fill an empty water jug with the cheapest, most potent alcohol one could buy, topping it off with green Mio, putting on my finest green attire, and walking around the city for hours until I’m either too drunk or too tired to walk.
Recently, I was sitting in my room watching out the window as droves of underclassmen flocked to the OCCT buses thinking, “I was them, once.” So to cope with being old and bored, I decided to doomscroll on Twitter and Yik Yak to see what the kids were up to, ya know, get a look at the shenanigans I was once very much a part of. The inquisitive nature of this endeavor caused me to stumble upon some truly marvelous Borg creations, impassioning me to create this article. Alright, enough with the pompous bullshit… Let’s do a deep dive, perhaps even a brief retrospective, into, as I’ve coined it, “The Art of the Borg.”
How It’s Made (not the show you fucking idiot!)
I’ll break it down to ya like you’re watching a YouTube short of Marco Pierre White, listening to his sweet sensual voice as he delicately chops onions and… ANYWAY. First off, you need a jug, preferably a water jug, but I know some of you perverts probably bought some skim milk and chugged it faster than you can say “Baxter the Bearcat has me trapped in the Union Underground behind the bowling alley!”
After you’ve acquired a jug, (not jugs, that’s what women have), you need to get your favorite inebriates from Parkway Liquors. Usually, the man of the hour is vodka, but some often go a little bold by choosing Everclear. The key to the Borg is filling it halfway with the spirits to ensure you have plenty of alcohol for the day, then making sure you stay hydrated by filling the other half of the Brog with water. Once you’re filled to the brim like the Lusitania’s hull, the next step is to pick your Mio color. Insert gay joke.
What Your Color Says About You (ChatGPT):
Red: You think you’re the main character, but you’re really just the person screaming “SHOTGUN” in an Uber XL. You will 100% be the first one to lose your phone.
Green: You take St. Patty’s Day way too seriously and have probably yelled “Kiss me, I’m Irish!” at least once. You also insist your Borg is the best because it’s “good for the environment.”
Blue: You believe your Borg makes you mysterious and cool, but really, it just makes your tongue look like you ate a Smurf. You’re the last one standing and the first one to suggest an afterparty.
Are You Bob Ross?
The true essence that makes a Borg a Borg is two things: the slogan and the design. College drinkers take this endeavor very seriously, often meticulously crafting their Borg slogan and drawing for hours like a Binghamton Review editor creating the April Fools’ Day issue. Some are complete flops: “CyBorg,” “I’m Borging it,” “Borghamton,” but some shine through “Freakborg,” “Ruth Bader Ginsborg,” etc. But no Borg is complete without a funny image! You don’t have to be Bob Ross, but you should TRY to draw something funny. Although many of us can’t draw because we spend our days typing on a keyboard instead of using pen and paper, some people are actually talented:
So what was the point of this? Non lo so…
The Great Meme Depression and “SlimeTok”
There is no question that the TikTok landscape has been extremely dry lately. As a people, we are suffering through a drought of anything funny. No meme or trend sticks longer than a week. What happened to the old days when single images would last months and still have the same effect? Why has the shelf life of anything and everything gone from wine to milk?
The most important question to discuss is the latter. The answer has to do with the creators of these memes – us. We are the reason why there’s no new bit ruling over our side of the Internet.
For those who are not on TikTok, the “Great Meme Depression” of March is the absence of any real trend that lasts more than a couple of days. If something does withstand the trials of a hellish TikTok audience, it ends up being something completely surface-level and borderline unintelligible. You see, without anything of substance to entertain ourselves with, we result in producing the most brainrot-like content anyone can ever imagine. As of writing this article, my “For You” page on TikTok is plagued with Frank Heffley PTSD/Schizophrenic edits that my old situationship won’t stop reposting. Seriously, knock it off.
Some people have tried to save the depression by saying the depression itself is a meme, but that really is just a show of genuine desperation for entertainment. But I would like for us to remind ourselves of a time when this desperation and depression didn’t exist, just to give us a good reference point as I continue the discussion.
I remember the Adult Swim trend way back in the day. For those who don’t remember, or don’t know of it, the trend consisted of people making and/or hiding the [as] symbol somewhere in the frame to recreate the Adult Swim intermission on TV. This was extensive. People mowed the symbol into their lawns, made sculptures, made a [as] coffee stain, etc. This trend
By Broom Bremner
slowly faded out as laziness took over, and people simply put the text on the screen.
The point is that the Adult Swim trend was creative, extraordinary, and long-lasting. It was amazing to see everyone utilize mundane objects and scenarios to contribute to the videos, and it was guaranteed different every time. But now it’s only in the past. “SlimeTok” and the wave of brainrot soon took over.
“SlimeTok” are the stereotypical bullies of the Internet. Buford von Stomm has nothing on these people. The users that unfortunately call SlimeTok home make fun of, hate on, or degrade fandoms, despite having little to no experience with them. Now, do not get me wrong, to be upset by online bullying is mostly futile, and bitter people are a given. But SlimeTok is starting to affect a good chunk of Gen Z Internet entertainment, and it shows.
“ts pmo”
Cringe culture has killed creativity. Anything outside of the norm is weird and embarrassing. God forbid you post anything that is slightly similar to “Millennial Core.” Any post that is alternative or out of the norm is met with a backlash of comments just below the vigor of Instagram Reels comments. I remember finding a TikTok funny a couple of days ago and I checked the comments to see what other people thought. The top comment was someone genuinely saying, “unc is posting slop now,” and another claimed that “ts is so buns.” …What? Cringe culture becomes especially toxic when the TikTok algorithm messes up and shows a variety of people a specific fandom or humor. When these subcultures of the internet mix with the villains of SlimeTok, many innocent and fun trends parish. A recent example is when Doechii’s song “Anxiety” dropped and was paired with the dance referencing The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. It was like a breath of fresh air to see these videos. It was something different from recent memes and easily enjoyable. But as the pattern follows, the trend lasted a week and met its fate when SlimeTok got a hold of it. The song was buns, ass, and the dance was goofy.
“To be cringe is to be free”
I will leave you all with this: just do whatever you want on the Internet, but don’t do anything super illegal. Have fun, shitpost, make thirst edits of that certain Attack on Titan character, and as much as I hate writing this, ignore the haters. Because honestly, who cares? SlimeTok has always existed and will continue to exist, even if it lives on under a different name. It’s a fire that doesn’t need to be fed. If it ain’t hungry, don’t fix it, or something along those lines.
page 13, on the eagle
Now go to page 10, bottom right corner
The Real April Fools: The Dallas Mavericks
The NBA today is not without problems: Low TV viewership, questionable refereeing, foul-baiting, and pricing out fans from games are just some of them. Yet for all its faults, one thing the modern NBA is excelling in is its talented roster of superstar players. Decorated veteran players like LeBron James, Steph Curry, and Kevin Durant are still putting up consistent numbers and breaking records. Young stars like Tyrese Maxey, Ja Morant, and Victor Wembanyama are carrying their franchises to new heights. But most significant are the players entering their primes, like Nikola Jokic, Donovan Mitchell, Shai Gilgeous Alexander, Jaylen Brown, Giannis Antetokounmpo, and Jayson Tatum. Four of these players have won championships, three have Finals MVPs, and two have multiple regular season MVPs. These players are incredibly talented, currently leading their teams to top seeds with nightly incredible plays and feats. Nikola Jokic having the first ever 30 point, 20 rebound, 20 assist game in NBA history on March 8th encapsulates this exciting era being forged by small market superstars (save for the two aforementioned Celtics, Tatum and Brown) following the superteams of the 2010s. However, one team desperately missing its leader is the Dallas Mavericks. After trading away their star player, Luka Doncic, to the Los Angeles Lakers in February in exchange for Anthony Davis and Max Christie, the Dallas Mavericks have experienced one of the most embarrassing and jarring fall-offs in sports history.
The trade stunned the sports world when it broke on February 1st of this year. Luka had led his 5th-seeded Mavericks to the NBA finals the previous season, and he scored 73 points in a game against the Hawks that season as well. His court vision, scoring ability, and playmaking were incredible, and he was only rising in the league. However, in the Mavericks’ Finals appear-
By Nicholas Aparicio
ance, Luka’s slow movement and poor defensive efforts were put on full display. Additionally, The Mavericks’ GM Nico Harrison was concerned about Luka’s physical conditioning and off-court habits. But to many, Harrison had thrown the baby out with the bathwater; trading a franchise player who carried a team to the finals over concerns about conditioning and defense was an awful move. Luka was a loyal player and an offensive talent the Mavericks hadn’t seen since prime Dirk Nowitzki. Fast forward only a month and the Dallas Mavericks are in complete disarray. Their key players and most of their roster are out and injured. Kyrie Irving, Daniel Gafford, Derrick Lively II, and the other half of the trade, Anthony Davis, are among them. Missing their offensive anchor in Luka, the team has struggled to compete through injuries, with 13 losses since the trade, and holding a 2-8 record in their past ten games (as of 3/18/2025). Fans are also tuning out from the franchise, with average ticket prices dropping by 40%, from $187 to $112 per game.
Throwing salt in the wounds of a hurt franchise are strange decisions from management as well. A couple of weeks ago, a hype video released by the team showed old clips, this time edited and censoring Luka Doncic in an almost Soviet fashion. If a dedicated Maverick fan wished to hold onto their season pass through the mess, its value would increase by 8.6%, with floor level passes having a 20% increase. This mismanagement is infuriating for many fans, especially when their former franchise player is balling out on the Los Angeles Lakers, averaging 26.2 with the team. The abrupt trade and subsequent blunders might be the team’s attempt to tank for a chance at a high draft pick and rebuild without Doncic and his flaws. Or, as some have theorized on the internet (and Texas Democrats posted on Instagram), it could be billionaire owner Miriam Adelson’s doing. This trade and fan demoralization might be an attempt to destroy the team in Texas in order to relocate to Las Vegas as a gambling centerpiece, or to pressure the Texas state legislature to legalize gambling and fund a revamping of a failing Mavericks franchise with casinos. Perhaps the Adelson angle is a viable theory. This might help explain why a team supposedly concerned about their first option player’s health and reliability would trade for the most fragile superstar in the league, the oft-injured Anthony Davis.
Regardless of the underlying reasons behind the trade, this blockbuster sports story proves two things. First, sports are a business at the end of the day. Mismanagement can strike a basketball franchise just the same as any other business. Second, customers (fans) and employees (players) are irrelevant to ownership at the end of the day, as proven by the erroneous decisions the Dallas Mavericks have made in the weeks following the trade. Even in the sports entertainment world, parallels can be drawn to the real world. While the Dallas Mavericks’ story is not done yet, one thing is clear: they are the clear LOSERS of the Doncic-Davis trade and are the biggest fools this April.
Top Ten Ways to Become an Aura Monster
With the possible NBA MVP being Shai Gilgeous Alexander, one of the most famous aura monsters today, it is important for young men to hone in on their aura. Shai’s aura has helped him achieve superhuman feats, like getting fouled by opposing players when nobody but the refs see it. Here are some tips:
1.) Watch Duke Dennis streams:
The master of aura himself, not only is Duke prime media, but his mannerisms just ooze out aura. If you’re taking notes, you get a lesson on maxing out aura and entertainment. It’s like educational television for hustlers and nonchalant villains. Your aura monster behaviors will increase tenfold when you start dice-rolling grapes before eating them.
2.) Use a scooter or a skateboard to get around campus:
Everyone knows the coolest people are the ones who use a scooter or skateboard on campus. The way they inconvenience everyone and make their own path is so tough. An aura monster creates their own path through the crowd. Follow in their footsteps, or should I say, tire treads.
3.) NEVER shower:
Showers are already a performative action with no health benefits. It won’t prevent cancer, diabetes, or the flu. So why smell “good”? Smell natural. Embrace the human musk on your skin like our primal ancestors who hunted mammoths and giant sloths. Creating your own distinct smell pattern is auraful, but just skip out on the showers rather than buying expensive cologne. If you scooter or skate to class, your scent will waft even more across campus, attracting everyone to you.
4.) Cut lines:
Whether in C4 or the Rathskeller, Hinman dining hall or the Grove, cut every line. Most people are too intimidated to speak up, and those who do, well, they won’t hit you over it. Lions don’t wait to be told to go into their caves, and YOU ARE A LION! Don’t let some 5’4 girl (or 5’6 bouncer) tell you off, you’re the aura monster of B.U. (or maybe B.O. if you don’t shower).
5.) Don’t leave your room for six days out of the week:
Uber Eats your food, and lie about having Covid Zeta variant so your professors let you attend zoom meetings. If you cut out the showers, you’ll be chilling, but cut out the gym too.
By Nelson Peter Cordellus
You need to be BATMAN, so everyone wonders when they’ll see you next. If they see you on a Monday, they’ll be wondering why they don’t see you until next Wednesday. It’ll add to your mystery.
6.) Stop using underwear:
Full stop. It suppresses your man meat’s imprint and restricts airflow. Not to mention it doesn’t allow you to let your nuts hang. I would say ditch clothes all together, but then you lose aura because there’s no mystery behind the hoodie. But leave something up to the imagination of the ladies when they see a garter snake poking through your black Nike sweats.
7.) Listen to Carti:
Everyone knows the cutting edge aura monsters are highschool freshman boys. They all listen to the OPIUM king Carti. Carti is a vampire, vampires are monsters, and you’re an aura monster. Carti is such a nonchalant dreadhead that he doesn’t even talk to his son. His music evokes darkness and RED, the perfect vibes for a mysterious man.
8.) Go to bars, but don’t drink, just stare at girls from the corner:
On the one day you do leave your dorm, if you ever find yourself at the bar, make sure to post up in a corner and watch the ladies. One foot on the wall, one foot on the ground, hands in pockets. The girls don’t want some jerk to approach them and conversate. They want a nonchalant aura monster to eyefuck them from the shadows in a bar like Batman (the girls all love Batman). In fact, they’ll approach YOU if they see you staring like a statue at them. Trust me, they won’t be uncomfortable.
9.) Talk less, listen more:
When a girl does approach into your bubble, speak in sentences of three words or less. Let the aura do the talking. Girls love to let their gibs flap with nonsense. If they think you’re listening, they’ll be so T’d on. Just let them go and they’ll talk their way into your bed.
10.) Read Pipe Dream magazine:
This magazine is for the aura monster who skates across campus, skips showers, rarely leaves his dorm, doesn’t do that “underwear” nonsense, and refuses to approach women. I highly recommend you read.
Now go to the top right of page 5