BINGHAMTON REVIEW
From the Editor
Dear Readers,
WellReviewers, here it is: the penultimate Binghamton Review issue of the year. No themes, just classic Binghamton Review. Minecraft movie reviews? We got it. A guide to being a SOM student? We got it. Music reviews? We got it. Dating app ethics? We got it. Sugary drink rankings? We got it. Burger history? We got it. Empire Records references? We got it. Bad political takes? We got it.
This issue is kind of like the stock market because we’re going for a ride!
So, we’ve tried to cover all our bases for you awesome readers, and I hope you really enjoy it. I don’t want you folks to get too excited, but you ain’t seen nothing yet. We have a lot of special stuff saved for our final issue of the year. I’m putting the cart before the horse, but I’m really excited for you all to see what we got.
Sincerely,
Aiden Miller
Our Mission
Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenents of free expression and believe all sudents should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.
Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole.
Advice Column
I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.
Is there any way I can hack into the system to sign up for classes that are full?
Yeah, there’s actually an exploit in the registration process where if the class is available in the future, you will actually get an earlier time slot at that point due to your higher credit count and are more likely to get into it. The school never thought of that!
Why did Joshua Block get deported from the UAE?
Fries. Bag. You. Now.
Anyone got the flint and meal? Is it any good?
Even less healthy than the Bingslop we already eat
What toy is the best?
A butt pluh. Oh wait, you mean from the happy meal. A Minecraft Steve butt plug.
I’m geeked off the yart. What do I do?
I’m employed, what does this mean?
Where’s my fucking Panera at?
Patience, it’ll only take 30 years for you to get the chance to order a $15 sandwich with no drink.
When will I be able to walk from EB to Bartle???
When there is peace in the—wait, no, I already said that
Written by our Staff
Construction is happening right outside my dorm and I can’t get out! How the hell am I gonna get to class?
It wasn’t meant to be. Drop out.
Windows or Mac?
C’mon, enough with these stupid tech debates. This is just Harry Potter houses for computer nerds.
I just started going to the gym. Which pre-workout should I take?
The best pre workout is bought from a stranger in a back alley. Without a label on it
Why did we throw the mascot competition?
Baxter took a wrong turn and ended up at the furry convention by accident. He had a great time though.
How to improve my tinder profile?
Etsy obsession love spell same day cast love spell casting obsession cast love bind fast spell casting powerful love spell spell caster $3.25.
Whar
Java or Bedrock?
Java is an island in Indonesia with a rich and interesting history going back to prehistoric times. Bedrock, on the other hand, is a fictional town where the Flintstones live. You really can’t compare the two.
Why is?
The etymology comes from the old English is, which comes from the Proto-West Germanic ist, from the Proto-Germanic isti, a form of wesaną.
Name 5 women.
Oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no oh no Bill Clinton wait no –
Which music genres does the e-board listen to?
Just the normal stuff like: Hebrew country, sea shanties, Minecraft parodies, evil folk funky pop, Intergalactic gospel, Mozart (2x speed), Recession Pop, Wieser.
How do I get a job?
Right now? Pray probs.
I don’t like to drink and my friends want to go out this weekend. What do I do instead?
You… you have friends? And you’re NOT blacking out to make them bearable? Get it together brother.
I DO like to drink but my friends don’t want to go out. How can I knock some sense into them?
Find someone who is their exact type and hire them to invite your friends to pregames and outings and such. The fine shyts transcend all moral values.
What is linoleum?
Flattened member meat encased in plastic.
My shitty ass department kicked me out of the 1 PM section of my class and put me in the 5 AM section instead. How cooked am I?
You might as well Save and Quit from life at that point.
Is it too late to form a group for housing?
Do fish swim? Does a bear shit in the woods?
I think my friend’s trying to get with my girlfriend, how should I deal with it?
Challenge him to a tennis match, whoever wins gets to date her. This will not work. It will become a throuple or a fifteen year long edging session. Cope.
Is it normal to do your homework the day it’s assigned?
Only if you’ve got that dong in you
Dog*
My roommate’s driving me crazy and bartle’s always full, where can I study?
In deez nuts. Your mom’s bed. Perhapst thy butt?
His dick too big. His swag too swaggy. What do?
Send him over to write for the Review.
Her boobies too bouncy. Her brain too immaculate. What do?
Humanah humanah, hubba hubba, awoooogah, bark bork, talk words to me girl and make em extra smart shawty.
Monster or RedBull?
Become a pro gamer and get sponsored by GFuel
Should Binghamton invest in constructing an Iron Dome defense system?
We must defend ourselves from the terrorists in Cortland Is Flight’s DuttPack coming to New York?
Who won the NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship?
Monsters University
Need life advice? Email review@binghamtonsa.org for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.
The Ethics of Grindr
By Bren Dover
This is me officially coming out as homophobic. As per my last article, I am done being tolerant, I am done accepting the gay agenda and I am done being swayed by these radical woke warriors. You, the reader, may ask, “Bren, what could have possibly happened to make you hate gay people all of a sudden?” “Bren, aren’t you going to get canceled for this?” “Bren, aren’t you gay yourself?” Yes, peers, I am a gay and homophobic man. We exist! To indulge the question as to what made me hate gay people, it is quite a simple answer: the creation of the app “Grindr”. For those who don’t know, Grindr is a gay dating app, usually for men, that has existed since 2009. Now this by itself does not seem like such a bad thing. Gay people have a smaller dating pool, and finding partners is simply more difficult. Thus, the creation of an app that assists in that is surely beneficial. In theory, yes. In practice, fuck no! The app quickly became a cesspool of malicious gay faggotry with the aim of finding constant sexual partners. While I am not here to shame the act of hooking up, there are serious ethical concerns that are a part of the app that gay people should no longer ignore. It is my ethical duty as a gay man to critique aspects of my community that are harmful to my community members.
Let me reiterate that there is no shame in the game. If you want to go out and hook up with random people, go for it. But the hookup culture surrounding this app is, in a word, toxic. For starters, the act of craving validation through sexual acts can be detrimental to a person’s psyche. It is because of this app that so many gay men’s self-worth is solely based on the ability to be desirable and give in to sex. This streams into two more problems: first, the idea of desirability, and second, the idea of objectification.
Desirability is a profoundly subjective category that has somehow become all the more objective. Standards regarding attractiveness have infiltrated the gay community and discriminatory behavior occurs as a result. This community was built on the idea of universal acceptance, yet there is such hypocrisy that is displayed on the app. A vast majority of gay men on this app prioritize thinner, masculine, younger, and conventionally attractive men to pursue, and others who do not fit in this category
are ignored or even bullied. This idea of conventional attractiveness also ties into issues with racism. Because so many POC are deemed unattractive by White beauty standards, it is seemingly okay to verbally berate them based on their appearance on this app. The opposite could also happen: the drastic fetishization of different POC creates a harmful depiction of racial groups for the sake of sexual pleasure.
“For one, treat people like people when hooking up with them. Remember, they have feelings and purpose beyond your desire.”
The problem of objectification is a very straightforward one. Because the goal of the app is to achieve sexual pleasure from another person, there is a lack of humanity shown by people. If two people consent to that, then so be it. But the idea that you are only using this person for sex means that you do not see them as their person, but rather as a means to an end. This goes against the philosopher Immanuel Kant’s philosophy, where using someone as a means is morally wrong. While it can be debated that because both parties consent, it’s ethical, I argue that the damage of being reduced to an object remains. Furthermore, because someone gained pleasure from being an object, that behavior will repeat until the person solely sees themselves as an object in everyday activity. It creates a stigma that gay people are sexual in nature because so many now indulge in this app where that stereotype is encouraged. Why would a community that fought so hard to relinquish the idea that we are inherently sexual and inappropriate now return to that idea and celebrate it to this large of an extent?
While the previous critiques can also apply to everyday hookup culture, there is one more that is special to the culture surrounding Grindr. There is an inherent predatory nature within the app. Let me explain. Revisit the idea that gay men have a smaller dating pool and that finding partners is much more difficult. Apply that to gay teenagers who have an even smaller dating pool and are stripped away from the idea of classical romance. Speaking from experience, I never blamed the
external factors for my inability to date in high school—I blamed myself. It is these external factors disguised as self-loathing that push young gay people to download Grindr in an attempt to preserve their self-worth. There is no confirmation of age on the app. There is no identification requirement. It is insanely easy for a minor to get access to this app. Gay men are willing to pursue these minors, either for the reason of desirability that they see with younger men or because they are straight pedophiles who now have access to children. Now let’s add on that idea of self-objectification. These are kids who are growing up and developing their minds. If they are constantly bombarded with the idea that being sexually desirable to other men is a good thing, then they will carry that with them for the rest of their lives and grow up having no base for their identity or self-worth beyond sex. As a little FYI, being attractive does not last forever. When they reach a point of not being sexually desirable, it will be detrimental.
I will not disclose if I have or have not indulged in the app. But you don’t need to have the app to explore the cultural implications of it. I’m sure other, more experienced gay men will tell you a very similar truth about the app. So what does one do about it? For one, treat people like people when hooking up with them. Remember, they have feelings and purpose beyond your desire. Two: get a hobby. Find another way to achieve worth in your life besides being a sexual object. Be proud of yourself and
your accomplishments so that when others try to make you an object, you can break out of that box. I said earlier that I was homophobic. I still think I am, but only because of the love I have for my community. I have a right to be enraged about the things that plague it, especially if it’s an internal one. This is something I can fight for and do something about as a gay man. Who knows, maybe more people can benefit from being a little homophobic.
Weather Quiz!
1. What day of the week is it?
a. Monday
b. Wednesday (reading this issue on day one)
c. Saturday
d. No idea (haven’t been to class in 3 weeks)
2. What is your cumulative grade point average?
a. Why does that matter? (1.0)
b. A solid three
c. 4.0 major, 2.3 overall
d. 3.99 (so close but so far)
3. Out of all the schools you applied to, which choice was Binghamton?
a. 1st choice
b. 2nd choice
c. 7th choice
d. I only applied to Binghamton (based)
4. You’re chilling in your dorm and some inebriated knuckleheads do a ding-dong-ditch prank on you. What do you do?
a. Beat their asses
b. Beat their asses
c. Beat their asses
d. Find out who they are, make Twitter accounts in their names, and post a bunch of racist shit so they can never get jobs
5. You remembered to take your umbrella with you to class.
a. True
b. N/A
c. False
d. True (it’s broken)
6. Are there hot guys in your earliest class?
a. No
b. Some
c. Yes but I’m too tired to talk to them
d. They’ve seen me naked and I am actively avoiding them
Mostly As: Clear and sunny, but don’t worry you won’t get to enjoy it anyway because you have an exam today and a paper due tomorrow.
Mostly Bs: Surprise! Snow! Not enough to do any fun snow activities though, not even enough to stomp a penis into on the Newing quad. It’ll be wet, cold, and sound disgusting while walking through the lecture hall.
Mostly Cs: Rain; a Binghamton classic. You will forget your umbrella before leaving and think you’re too good for a rain jacket or boots and so you will be uncomfortable all day down to your undies.
Mostly Ds: Oooh, a special wind has entered town and it’s coming for you. Your hair will be in your mouth all day, and you can enjoy the fact that it would have been a wonderful day had the wind not made it feel below freezing.
The Evolution of Burger
By Angelo DiTocco
WhenI was but a voice-crackin’ teen, I learned in my 8th grade “Living Environment” class (basically just bio) about Darwin’s theory of evolution and natural selection. It seemed simple enough: plants and animals had small variations which out-reproduced the others and became the standard over millions of years. It wasn’t until the world became increasingly divided that I realized how controversial this topic truly was, as I witnessed the exchange of arguments like “fuck your sky daddy” and “you really think fish just grew legs.” But despite all this polarization, and especially after working at a concession stand, my thoughts regarding evolution have not been strongly opinionated, but rather inquisitive. In particular, how does this concept apply to America’s favorite fast food item?
Similarly to how humans evolved from apes, the burger has its own predecessor. The simple sandwich was invented in 1762 by John Montagu, otherwise known as the Earl of Sandwich (British people just had weird titles like that). My boy Johnny was the 18th-century equivalent of a degen gamer who doesn’t even leave his desk to eat. One day, when his bitch mommy told him it was time to pause his online game and come have dinner, he had a brilliant idea. He demanded to be brought a piece of meat in between two pieces of bread so that he could eat with one hand and gamble with the other. Degen gamers around the world began adopting this tradition, and so the sandwich became a cultural staple.
As evolution is a fairly slow process, the transition from sandwich to burger wouldn’t occur for about another hundred years. Many different claims have been made about how, when, and where the hamburger was invented, but they all go back to the 1880s and 1890s, and only some are related to Hamburg, Germany. One theory claims that it was popularized by the Hamburg-America shipping line, which conducted trade in New York. Other theories point to its invention right here in the good old US of A at various restaurants and fairs around the country. This was all made possible by the invention of the meat grinder and the expansion of livestock farming, which were both effects of the Industrial Revolution. Take that, Ted!
If not directly from the city of Hamburg, its name likely came from the “Hamburg steak,” a plain old ground beef patty that simply didn’t compare to the American masterpiece that is the burger. It might possibly be extrapolated from this information that German-Americans are the real Germans.
Reflecting the rise of national corporations in the late 19th and early 20th centuries, the burger began its commercialization in 1921 with the first White Castle restaurant in Wichita, Kansas. Its burgers took a distinctive form still recognized today: the slider. This was a small, square, thin burger of which multiple were supposed to be eaten at a time. The restaurant’s marketing mostly revolved around saying, “See guys, we don’t have tuberculosis in our meat,” as they emphasized spotless interiors. With its success, the establishment quickly expanded into a franchise and started growing across the country like a fungus.
The next stage in the hamburger’s evolution came when
two brothers from California, Richard and Maurice McDonald, began optimizing for speed. The archaic system of sitting down and having someone bring your food over was replaced by a “Speedee” self-service counter in which burgers and fries were prepared in advance. They then made it even faster with the drive-through model. The sandwiches themselves grew in size as well, taking on catchy names like “McDouble.” These innovations not only propelled McDonald’s to everlasting worldwide success but also set the standard for fast food chains as a whole. And to think that fast food exists as we know it all because of two bros who had a crazy idea.
Wait a second…
It is here that we arrive at a disappointing reality: that with evolution often comes de-evolution. Much like man has devolved from exploring the world to doomscrolling, the formerly sub-dollar Big Macs and Quarter Pounders were so unfortunately commandeered and desecrated by the hands of a new generation… the millennials. You know exactly where this is going.
I’m not going to pretend that my generation is really any better. Whereas millennials had vocabulary like “epic bacon” and “adulting,” we have “skibidi” and “fine shyt.” But what these Funkoids have done to the burger industry is unforgivable. Debuffs such as dim lighting, uncomfortable seating, exposed brick walls, illegible or online-exclusive menus with terminology like “shareables” and “handhelds,” wobbly metal trays and baskets, underwhelmingly small $20 burgers, and $7 truffle fries plague burger shops across the country to this day. What’s even worse is that their traits are spreading over to the “good” places as well—even McD’s is starting to disappoint with their prices and portions. Sodas aren’t even a dollar anymore! The West truly has fallen. Lastly, I hate to say it, but Craft, you are not immune to this criticism.
Just like the “two best buds” who seem to have founded all of these hellholes, I have a cRazY iDeA of my own. How about we stop trying to make our establishments look like a cabin in the woods, give out real menus with a lot of options, and hook them up with fries on the side, or at the very least, make them $4 instead of $7?
Well, it turns out that this idea of mine might not be so crazy after all, as there is a good ending to this story, a diamond in the rough. Diners tend to do exactly what I described above, putting your $15 to good use with a big ol’ burger, a good helping of fries, and in many cases, coleslaw and a pickle as well. This is all to be enjoyed on a real plate in a comfortable booth. I can’t recall a time where I ever ordered a burger from a diner and walked out disappointed. It brings a joyful tear to my eye to think that maybe, just maybe, the American dream is still out there.
Oh, and since this is a Binghamton Review article after all, I might as well tell you what I think about the dining hall burgers. They’re quite mediocre. I think it would be cool to see a higher-end burger shop in the Marketplace someday. Just, please, for the love of God, let someone from Gen X manage it.
A Minecraft Movie: A Testimony
By Broomba Bremner
Justrecently, I went on a romantic date with my boyfriend to watch a movie on its opening night. We lovingly held hands as we marched into the AMC next to Walmart and prepared to watch a brand new blockbuster: A Minecraft Movie. I’ll give a brief movie review before we hop into what I want to say. It was good—no more, no less. A Minecraft Movie is something you need to shut your brain off and quit taking anything seriously for. The humor and references were targeted toward Gen Z, but it was also a child-orientated storyline. I had a hell of a time watching it. Easy brainrot entertainment. But I digress.
A gaggle of guys walked into the building just before us and were parroting references to the trailer to each other. For the entire duration that this flock was in our personal bubble, my hearing was clouded with “flint and steel,” “RELEASE!” and “crushin’ a loaf.” Our only break was when we parted as we took our seats. We sat in the middle and they sat in the very front row. “Chicken jockey” echoed throughout the theater, effectively setting the mood for the rest of the evening.
There was only one child in that theater, and it showed. There was a roaring applause after every trailer meme. Surprisingly, the ultimately epic revelation of Jack Black as Minecraft Steve (from Minecraft) only received a medium amount of applause, just at the same level as Avengers: Endgame.
“I can absolutely imagine the minimum-wage janitor having to whip out the kitty litter for the orange goo on the floor.”
The long-anticipated “Chicken Jockey” scene was not the climax of the film but caused climaxes among many audience members. I’ve never heard a mass of college-aged males cause such an uproar before in my life. My seat shook.
The one child that was in front of me had both of his parents alongside him. After the first applause (which was for “FLINT and STEEL,” if I remember correctly) both parents looked at each other in confusion. After a couple more rounds of applause, that being every few minutes, the kid picked up on the pattern and clapped with the rest of the audience. He didn’t understand why, but I assume he wanted to be a part of the funny bit.
The movie ended, then a mid-credit scene played, the lights turned on, and we left before the post-credit scene, which was claimed by an old friend to be “absolutely bonkers.” When we were heading out and racing to the bathrooms, I looked at the little family once more and the child was just overjoyed. The parents not so much.
Movie theater etiquette is a dying art. I understand seeing a childish or PG movie for the meme, but it ruins the theater experience for other audience members who don’t participate in the “bit.” The tickets themselves have absurd prices, let alone any food from the concession stands. Most people aren’t willing to have a crowd of rowdy teenagers disrupt the movie they paid 50 dollars for their child to see.
Apparently, my theater was relatively mild. I was scroll-
ing through TikTok and came across several recordings of the “Chicken Jockey” scene, some being different perspectives of the same event. More often than not, the audience reaction included but was not limited to: screaming, cheering, yelling (these are just synonyms), vomiting (ew?), throwing popcorn, jumping, throwing arms in the air, blocking the projector, piggyback riding, etc. etc..
Another video was a flash recording of the aftermath once people had left the theater. The floor and the bottoms of chairs were covered in (you guessed it) popcorn and garbage. The ground was not visible. The only exception is the stand-alone vomit pile. I can’t imagine being so overwhelmed by Jack Black’s presence that you hack up your 17-dollar large popcorn.
“Making a nostalgia-based movie targeted towards Gen Z yet framing it as a kid’s film makes it appear goofy.”
I can absolutely imagine the minimum-wage janitor having to whip out the kitty litter for the orange goo on the floor. The bit of seeing goofy movies is fun to an extent. But when taken too far, such as theaters are experiencing right now, it becomes downright disrespectful to the employees being paid too little and the families who paid too much to be there.
Let’s put the immaturity of the subject age group aside and talk about another potential cause of this meme movie phenomenon. Movie producers that adapt from old video games don’t know how to target a specific audience. It’s confusing. The rating, storytelling, and comprehension ability needed is directed for children to watch the movie. But what makes it odd is that the actual subject matter for the film is targeted towards an older audience. It’s a nostalgic film and a kid’s film at the same time.
I know someone might hear this and claim that Minecraft itself is non-age specific, but I’ll fight right back and tell you that the humor in that film was absolutely targeted towards Gen Z. The two secret gay lovers Steve and Garrett mogged each other half the time, had several Minecraft YouTuber cameos, had a character named “General Chungus” (I shit you not), and other highly intellectual jokes that the feeble brain of a five-year-old couldn’t comprehend.
This phenomenon doesn’t only apply to A Minecraft Movie, but it also occurred with the Five Nights at Freddy’s movie and with The Super Mario Bros. Movie. Why Blumhouse Productions made a horror game into a PG-13 movie is another discussion that I don’t feel like getting into. POINT IS! Making a nostalgia-based movie targeted towards Gen Z yet framing it as a kid’s film makes it appear goofy. Goofy shit is turned into a meme. Memes and recordings of outrageous reactions get views and are popular. It’s funny, I guess.
I ask you all of this: please just be mindful of everyone else in the theater. Hot take, disrupting movie theaters is lowkey mean. And mean people are losers. You don’t want to be a loser, do you? And for the love of God, control your stomachs.
Rex Manning Day and the Economy of Bad Taste
There is no holiday more universal than Rex Manning Day. It is of such great importance to humankind that prior to 1995, every April 8th, people would weep without knowing why. It was the question that plagued some of the greatest minds. Socrates, Aristotle, Plato – they all pondered why April 8th brought upon such great sadness. And then, BAM, like a miracle from the great beyond, Allan Moyle blessed us with the answer no one before could offer. Rex Manning Day was born.
You may be thinking, A, it’s April. We only have a few weeks left of school. As graduation nears, shouldn’t you be pondering something like the passage of time, or maybe the way life will change once undergrad ends? Or even finally let out how much you’ve disliked Bing? And to that I say, shut it. This 90s movie is far more important.
I discovered Empire Records in high school and promptly realized its genius in a New and Cool way that no one else could possibly understand. Having seen it a minimum of 20 times, I am the world’s greatest source of knowledge on what is happening here. The most concise description that can be given is that every character in this film exists on a different plane of existence. Each is in a different genre, and the whiplash of Deb’s suicide attempt to AJ’s romcom delusion to Cory’s pill problem to whatever it is Mark is up to creates a whirlwind effect solidified into a singular thread mostly through the soundtrack. And my goodness – the soundtrack! It could not possibly have been improved upon even if Declan McKenna had already released Zeros
By AJW
Empire Records begins in a dark office, where an off-putting young man somewhere between 19 and 45 is mumbling to himself. A young Bridget Jones opens the door and asks what he is doing there. He is closing the store. He has been left with several rules, which he recites like the gospel. When he is alone again, he shamelessly breaks every rule just established, until he finds something in the desk drawer: a proposal to make the store a chain! He then gambles all the money made that day, exactly $9,104 (he counted it twice), in an attempt to save the store that means so much to him and his friends. He wins; he’s on a roll! And then he loses $18,000. But we mustn’t dwell, not when the next day is Rex Manning Day! Hijinks ensue, including what would call for several lawsuits and jail time. But, spoiler, of course the store is saved and everyone gets their happiest possible ending.
Online, the more analytical crowds fault the film for not being a groundbreaking piece of media. It’s supposedly a “flop” for the meager box office profit. And yet, why then is it that everytime I introduce it to someone new they are caught up in the drama like it’s their own? Either they’re in love with AJ, or shocked by Warren, or just enjoying the twists and turns. No one has ever had a complaint about the music, I’ll tell you that. In a time of endless remakes and sequels and prequels, how can they not enjoy a film that is 90% vibes, 5% plot, and 5% music? It is of a different time, and, quite frankly, a different planet.
I talk often about films which exist to be fun, which don’t try and take themselves so seriously, and how they’re mocked for it. And how, despite this, these films are so often the bedrock of culture. I’m sure plenty of people think I’m being purposely facetious for talking like this, but how boring would it be to have your only options be blockbuster biopics and reinventions of other pop culture? Oh, wait, no need to imagine it. Don’t get me wrong, I saw Mickey 17 and I had a great time. I saw the Bob Dylan movie, and Smile 2 (even if it took all my willpower to finish that one), but it’s all so endlessly BORING. How am I supposed to justify dragging out my wallet to fork over all that money to sit in an over-engineered seat and watch something with a budget that could’ve easily made five Empire Records? It all reflects the lost art of the simple story. No real or shocking plot twists, but fun. You see it even in new horror. The Blob, 1958 and 1988, have a pretty similar idea. You take the freaky thing and you put in a dang situation! The movie has a clear throughline of solving this one thing, allowing the hijinks to be stupid and make the most of the medium of film. But stuff like Smile 2 tried to make some concise point, without trying to actually be concise, and give depth to unlikeable characters when the end product is another soulless, ugly horror that would have been done better with half the budget and whatever
“You take the freaky thing and you put in a dang situation!”
attempt at creativity that would’ve forced.
I don’t know if we’re at the stage to call Mickey 17 a flop. Honestly, I hope not, seeing as it was more fun than any Marvel production I’ve seen in years, but how in the world is it possible to justify a $110 million dollar budget when Empire Records cost an eleventh of that? Why is it that we determine a flop by the box office and not by the reaction? These companies can afford to lose millions of dollars, clearly, and that should not be forgotten. If they are fine, why do they not experiment? Why should their greed justify our lack of result and an endless recycling of culture?
There is of course the next argument, which is that no one wants to pay to see a movie they don’t know if they’ll enjoy when movie theater prices are so high, and this is understandable –did I not just complain about the price? But in reality, there was no need for whatever “luxury” AMC tries to justify with their seats. My personal favorite theaters are the little ones in Manhattan with old rickety seats but good projectors, which have
“ But in reality, there was no need for whatever “luxury” AMC tries to justify with their seats. My personal favorite theaters are the little ones in Manhattan with old rickety seats but good projectors.”
actually swapped out bulbs in the appropriate amount of time. With a student discount, I’ve gotten tickets to current movies for $5. In NYC! Unheard of, you’d think. When popcorn is $10, and a bag at home is maybe $1, and you already pay for a hundred different streaming services (or maybe, like me, you prefer the old 123movies), the choice is clear. And so, in their own bad decisions, these companies blame those who don’t want to make smaller scale bad financial decisions a few times a month to see the newest rendition of Ghostbusters, which corporations assume will make more than any coming-of-age dramedy, and it drags on and on until the only things being made are the lowest of the low budget and hundreds of millions of dollars of garbage. Aside from the company’s agendas on their own, the mo-
notony has also seeped into the artistic aspects as well. I can’t help but bring up the effect the acting and actors have on the experience when the divide is so obvious. I don’t know about you, but I’m so absolutely sick of the same faces popping up in every film. I like Timothy Chalamet as much as the next guy, maybe more (Little Women ruled, what can I say?), but there is no middle of the road, real-faced person anywhere anymore. I want ugly teeth! Mess up their hair! Drench your final girls in blood without coating them in three aisles of Ulta first! Even little Hallmark has created a singular face. If you overlaid the last twenty leads from the last ten Hallmark movies I bet the only line out of sync would be from a different pose. Additionally, every intonation on every line in every movie is the stupidest version of whatever a real person would do. Even when films are supposed to be realistic, they don’t actually exist in the real world. It almost has to be some parallel universe to work, so why not make the most of it? Empire Records doesn’t care if they’re breaking the rules of acting, or genre; they’ll break the fourth wall so much you begin to exist as your own character. The voice cracks add so much to Warren’s characterization, as do Mark’s unhinged giggles. They may all be ridiculously hot, but their clothes look lived in. Their hair isn’t clearly styled. The same can’t really be said for the new Scream or whatever Netflix original is being cooked up. We must savor these silly movies. The way things seem to be going, their rarity will leave them to continuously age like fine wine.
“The greedy boneheads of the world can’t take your taste, your love, or your credit card without your compliance.”
When will we get the next mid-range story with a goofy cast which exists for the fun of the ride? I don’t know. Is it possible to return to classic stupidity instead of modern brainlessness? We can only hope. I can say one thing for sure; in the immortal words of Empire Records, damn the man.
Celebrate this Rex Manning Day (late, this article will not reach you in time), and remember that what you enjoy belongs to you and the greedy boneheads of the world can’t take your taste, your love, or your credit card without your compliance. Say no more, mon amour!
A Guide for SOM Students
By Daniel Guido
So you passed your School of Management entrance exam! You now know how to properly color within the lines. All jokes aside, give yourself a pat on the back. Unlike what the normies in Harpur say, SOM can be very challenging to get into. With an acceptance rate somewhere around 27.2%. As such, I’m hoping I can provide some tips for the freshmen and transfer students hoping to pursue a degree through SOM.
I myself am an intra-university transfer student into SOM. I transferred into the accounting program during my second semester of sophomore year. This is actually very common among a lot of the business students, many of whom entered Binghamton as undeclared and didn’t know what they wanted to major in when they were freshmen or sophomores. It is also a well-known strategy to pursue an IUT when already accepted into Harpur since it’s harder to be accepted into SOM straight out of high school. So let it be known that this is a normal and very common occurrence for those who may want to transfer in from Harpur or a different school.
The School of Management offers two main undergrad degrees: Accounting BS and Business Administration BS. Within the general Business Admin degree, there are many concentrations you can pursue. These are: Business Analytics, Entrepreneurship, Finance, Leadership and Consulting, Management Information Systems (MIS), Marketing, Quantitative Finance, and Supply Chain Management. A lot of students take multiple concentrations which can act the same way as minors. The most popular concentrations tend to be finance, MIS, and marketing, along with Accounting as a separate degree from general Business Admin. Though very different fields, all business students tend to take the same required classes until their junior and senior years when they take classes solely dedicated towards their concentration.
“The MBA program has recently achieved STEM designation, much to the dismay of real STEM students at Binghamton.”
For freshmen, during your first year, you should make sure to finish as many of the SOM prerequisites as possible. These include Harpur required classes as well as Intro to Micro and Macroeconomics along with Calculus I or Statistics. Personally, I would recommend taking both Calculus and Statistics as the mathematical notation learned appears again in upper-level classes such as Finance and Operations Management. As a transfer student from either inside the school or out, these classes are often required to be completed before you transfer in. The freshmen should also strongly consider applying for honors programs such as PwC Scholars and EY Student Leaders. These programs provide opportunities for business students to pursue their favorite thing: “networking”. Truly consider these two programs if you are a freshman or sophomore as they are not offered to upperclassmen.
The school has many student-led clubs that provide a more professional environment. Some of the most popular are the Accounting Association, Finance Society, Management Consultant Group, and the Sports Management Group, along with many other clubs that focus on certain concentrations, interests, and backgrounds. The clubs are considered more professional due to them sometimes requiring you to earn membership through accumulating points before being fully admitted or able to run for a leadership position. These clubs usually hold weekly (sometimes daily) meetings which involve educating and connecting students with certain employers. So take advantage of these organizations if you have the time, and maybe try to become a full member. Also, don’t forget to join the best club on campus: Binghamton Review!
SOM helps set itself apart from other SUNY business schools by the amount of case competitions available and required to be performed by students. Case competitions are basically group (or sometimes solo) research projects and presentations that involve analyzing a company while providing solutions on how to improve. These can range from using accounting and finance knowledge to analyze balance sheets, to using various marketing strategies and techniques to convince an audience. The winners of these competitions often get to visit and present in front of the company they were researching, which again offers a great opportunity for networking.
There are also job and internship fairs hosted around the beginning of every semester. They usually bring in recruiters for the “Big Four” accounting firms as well as other big names in finance and marketing. I will be honest though, the big networking fair is usually always crowded with hundreds of students, and you will most likely not have time to speak with a recruiter for more than three minutes. It is much more productive to take advantage of the smaller events hosted by individual companies throughout the career week if you really want to be able to talk with recruiters from those jobs.
SOM has also undergone a shift over the last few years. It has been adjusting its courses to heavily adapt to the AI and data science revolution that has occurred. As such, all students are required to take a Python coding class along with courses such as MIS and Operations Management that teach about the use of real-time data collecting and technology. With this increased attention placed on coding and business analytics, the MBA program has recently achieved STEM designation, much to the dismay of real STEM students at Binghamton. However, this will hopefully strengthen the perception of a degree from SOM in the job market, or at least catch up to current demand.
Though overwhelming at first, you’ll hopefully come to realize that the business school is compact and you will most likely be learning with a tight-knit group of students, all of whom are relatively in the same boat as you. So take advantage of your time involved in the program and make the most of it. I hope this article clears up some questions and can help those transitioning into Binghamton’s School of Management.
A Confidential Guide to Dr Pepper
By Dr. Miller
Atthe Premier Public Ivy in the great state of New York, many of America’s most outstanding public scholars are hammering away, papering those papers, experimenting those experiments, and presenting those presentations. Watching New York’s brightest is like watching an ant farm, with students scurrying around campus looking for the best location to spend the next twelve hours building their masterpiece, or maybe simply just finishing their psychology class’s pop-quiz on Brightspace while they lay in their bed and rot. No matter what you do as a student on Binghamton’s campus, caffeine is a required substance to attend school. Some brew up with their Starbucks and Dunkin’ whilst others slug down their Celsius, Red Bull, and Monster (nobody drinks Rockstar). But there are a select few whose mission, if they choose to select it, is to acquire their daily dose of caffeine via a beautiful elixir: Dr Pepper. It is my obligation to write about the things that matter most to Binghamton University students: caffeine and Dr Pepper. So, here’s my Confidential Guide to Dr. Pepper.
We’ll do it in reverse order to build suspense…also, I’m not doing any of those novelty flavors, only the ones readily available in a supermarket near you!
Back of the Pack: Dr. Pepper Blackberry Zero Sugar and Dr. Pepper Strawberries & Cream Zero Sugar
This list isn’t meant to be a crusade against zero sugar soda, but these first two are, as they say, “no bueno.” First off, when a soda is marketed as “zero sugar,” 9/10 times you can GUARANTEE that the soda will have no taste. That is prevalent when tasting the zero sugar versions of Blackberry and Strawberries & Cream. The Blackberry flavor in its own right is not great, but now you take the sugar out and it ends up tasting like nothing. With the Strawberries & Cream soda, the artificial strawberry taste really hits you in the face despite this being a zero sugar soda, almost like a strawberry shake from McDonald’s. Both of these were one-and-done for me. The only way you would get me to drink these again is if the CIA captures me and waterboards me with them.
Could Be Worse: Dr Pepper Blackberry, Dr Pepper Zero Sugar, and Dr Pepper Strawberries & Cream
As I highlighted earlier, the Blackberry flavor absolutely stinks. It’s like they took black licorice and shoved it into a bottle of soda (and only sickos like black licorice). If this soda lacked a label, you would never know it was a Dr Pepper product. When it comes to regular zero sugar soda, it’s like they took every ounce of the Dr Pepper taste and extracted it to make the most dull soda ever created. These are sodas you could have again, but only if it’s the last thing in the fridge. Also, the mere synthetic taste of regular Strawberries & Cream is too much for me to handle, but is definitely better than its zero sugar cousin.
Middle of the Road: Dr Pepper Cherry and Dr Pepper Zero Sugar
A true middle-of-the-road candidate. The soda’s cherry taste is subtle but sweet, allowing the soda to differentiate itself from the flavors listed before it. There’s really not much to say. If Webster’s dictionary wanted an image for the definition of “mid,” it would be a picture of Dr Pepper Cherry Zero Sugar.
Contenders: Diet Dr Pepper and Dr Pepper & Cream Soda Zero Sugar
These aren’t the best of the best, but if you were reaching into a fridge, you’d definitely take one of these two. The zero sugar Cream soda flavor of Dr Pepper is easily the best diet/zero sugar drink the company has to offer. The cream flavor is very prevalent, you get hints of classic Dr Pepper flavoring, and it has zero calories. Diet Dr Pepper is simply a classic in the same way Diet Coke is for Coca-Cola. Both of these sugarless options are the perfect drink mixers, making them easy contenders for the top two spots.
The Top Dogs: Dr Pepper Classic and Dr Pepper & Cream Soda
I mean, what can you even say? Simply just take a sip from these magical elixirs and you’ll fully grasp their beauty. If I were Indiana Jones trying to find the Holy Grail, I would look no further than these two biblical beverages.
