April 1, 2023 (Vol XXXV, Is. X) - Binghamton Review

Dear Readers,

Great news! The evil and tyrannical Binghamton Review Magazine has finally been brought to a much-welcome end. It’s time to expose that the people who previously ran this magazine were really stupid and, honestly, not hot at all. Me and my group of revolutionaries succeeded in burning down their office (HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA) and set fire to all the old issues and also the rain. Now, among the ashes of it’s defeat as well as thousands of volumes of semesters past, Binghamton Rebirth has risen from said ashes like a phoenix (Get it?????) to build a new, less horrible magazine. That’s right; Binghamton Rebirth, the chosen publication, is going to finally bring peace to the Bingahmton Publication Clans forged after the great schism: Freepressians, Pipe Dreamers, BUTTheads, and all those other ones, too. This issue is going to be different from your regularly scheduled dose of garbage. For starters, there are no jokes, jests, or jocular notions in this magazine since it has been decided that being silly is for geese only, and anything more is absolute poppycock. You can believe us when we say everything in this issue is completely serious, and don’t call us Shirley. It’s been decided that satire is too hard to understand to begin with, and to prove it, look no further than the fact we believed A Modest Proposal was just a cool story about eating babies and being an atheist when we first read it. Oh and, by the way, there are no longer any Eboard roles now that we’ve taken over, and we can proudly call Binghamton Rebirth a worker co-op. Down with dictatorship!

The line-up in this issue is simple enough:

On page 11 we placed “Former Presidents Make Peace Through Gaming?” by Daniel Guido. Here, he discusses the beautiful friendship shared by Obama, Trump, and Biden as they publicly get together on “Discord” and “game” like there’s no tomorrow. Hopefully, this ideological ceasefire will last, immune to things like “arrest” or “death by old age.” Also consider “The Shopping Lobe” by Baddieline on page 7, where she expertly discusses the very true differences between men and women, of which there are many. That is, when she’s not off eating chocolate or trying on shoes. WOMEN—amirite?

Peek through page 12 to find “‘87: The Secret History of Binghamton Review” by Arthur O’Sullivan. Learn more about the inherent connection between the birth of the (now deceased) publication and an incident that occurred in 1987 at the second Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza location. It’s amazing that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know? Finally, it’s required you look at “It’s-a Me! A Gamer’s Unwanted Opinion!” by Emily Portalatin on page 8. Stay educated on the upcoming new holiday, all things mario-themed, and long-awaited references to Gay Bowser that many have waited ‘so long’ for. At least, we have. That’s all for this issue—stay tuned for future issues of Binghamton Rebirth, which we’re sure there’ll be many of! And as always… how do these things end again?

Sincerely,

Madeline Perez?

Mission

Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenets of free expression and believe all students should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.

Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

I can’t stop thinking about Erwin Smith and Levi Ackerman from Attack on Titan having sex with each other. What kind of sex would they have? Would Levi, usually so dominant in every other aspect of his life, submit to Erwin? Would he be bratty about it? Would Erwin edge him? Would they fuck once and never speak about it again? I can’t keep living like this.

I mean, who doesn’t fantasize about them constantly? I myself spend 25 hours a day imagining them trying every position in the Kamasutra. So to answer your question, they would absolutely switch constantly between cowboy and the wheelbarrow. Both take turns being submissive, as they want to experience everything there is to experience. You can’t be bratty when you are experiencing true love, and true love requires no edging to last all day. So no, they fuck every day, passionately and intensely, making sure the whole world knows their love is true.

Do you forgive me for all of that?

Of course, I am incapable of holding any hatred within me. All is forgiven.

To whom it may concern,

Recently I have met a stranger. While filling up my car at the Gulf downtown, a man across the street yelled over if he could catch a ride with my friend and me. After I noticed he had groceries, I figured he would be more interested in getting his stuff home than mugging us, and I said “Sure, come on over.”. It was a nice drive and he was a pretty good guy, but this story does not end there. Two days later, after applying to the Pump House Gym on Main St., I noticed a familiar face waiting for a bus. Sure enough it was the same man, so I offered him a ride. I had one condition though, I planned on checking out the flower shop in the adjacent parking lot. So together, we spent time in a flower shop together. There he told me about his new found appreciation for pink roses. Afterwards on the drive home, we were talking and I learned of his passion for on sale clothing, cigarettes, and most importantly - he is not a racist as he has half caucasian nieces and nephews. This is where I started to realise (sic), maybe there is some sparks between us. Maybe that flower shop was our first date. So now with these swirling emotions, my question for you is, how should I - a deeply closeted gay white man - attain a second date with him?

Keep giving him rides, and eventually, he won’t just be riding your car. ;) Good luck!

Can people smell fear?

Yes, I smell it everyday. Its smell overwhelms me and I can only pray that one day the fear that grips the campus will

Written by our Staff

disperse. Only when Sodexo is banished from here will peace return to our dear college.

How can I get over the fear of stepping on a crack and thus, breaking my father’s back?

Just bite the (metaphorical) bullet and literally break your fathers back with a hammer. Then you can step on cracks to your delight.

Can I replicate the feeling of crack cocaine in my body just by imagining it?

They (I don’t know who) say that imagination can bring about any of your dreams, and as a result I have been high for the last 4 years of my life. It really is one hell of a drug.

How can I share my weird humor with others more often, and have my joke land?

The most important thing is to have confidence in yourself when making a funny. You should also use topics that are normally made into jokes, just to make sure they land. May I recommend: your life? Your relationship status? Your arduous journey with nicotine addiction? The possibilities are endless!

I’m a bored TA and nobody comes to my office hours. How do I spice them up and/or attract students to come?

Why are you complaining? Just use your office hours to play video games or whatever the hell else you find entertaining. Take this gift horsecock straight in the mouth and enjoy your time.

I’m a bored movie director and nobody comes to my cocaine parties. How do I spice them up and/or attract minors to come?

I hear the zoomers today love Minecraft, so try sending out a casting call for Minecraft: The Motion Picture on the TikTok Family Guy AskReddit Subway Surfer Temple Run $1000 iPod with Flappy Bird Installed Pull the Pin Among Us Grab the Planet Offensive Memes You Laugh You Lose ADHD Stim compilations. That way, not only will you get minors, but miners as well!

I’m writing a new song that will be hip with all the kids, but I don’t know how to finish a lyric. It starts with, “Something in the way…” and then I lose my inspiration. What should I write after it?

Just repeat the “something in the way” for twenty minutes and call it a day. I’m sure it’ll be a big hit with the kids one day in a semi-ironic, depression-core, sigma-style way.

When will Binghamton Review start publishing hardcore pornography like I asked?

We have, you just haven’t been looking hard (get it) enough. I’ll give you a hint, we have a YouTube channel.

My close friend, a Reddit-enthusiast, told me that I seem like someone who regularly browses r/sinkpissers. What gave it away, and what implications does this have on my relationship with her?

A woman?! Who uses Reddit?! Let me tell you, as someone who regularly drugs and beats up Redditors at night, I know that if she thinks you’re a r/sinkpissers member/lurker, and she hasn’t tried to downdoot you irl, you need to marry her immediately (I get my relationship advice from r/relationship_advice).

Should I put my cast-iron pan in the dishwasher? I don’t have much time, so in the time it takes for me to wash it “properly,” I’ll have to leave my kid in the hot car. Decisions, decisions…

Back in my day I was left in a hot car all day, so if your child can’t stand the heat in the time it takes you to wash a simple cast-iron pan, do they even deserve to live? Although, if you left a little doggie in the car without his favorite Billy Joel album playing I’d have to filet you.

With registration coming up, what are the best classes for me to take next semester? SKP 402 Topics in Advanced Sinkpissing seems interesting, but it conflicts with FNAF 311 LGBTQ+ in Five Nights at Freddy’s discussion. What should I choose?

Just because you think a class “sounds interesting,” that doesn’t mean that the class itself is interesting. The important part of any class is the professor, who can make or break a class, depending on his mood. Dr. Ihatepoop’n’farts, for instance, really ruined PNF 340 Topics in Poops and Farts for me, but Dr. Tweak-ma-nipples made intro to calc an unforgettable experience.

I need to become less funny. How?

Don’t ask us, we are clearly hilarious. *wink*

What is the best fast-food fried chicken sandwich? Now, when you answer this, remember that this is the April Fools issue, and as such, one should respond to it with a comically bad or nonsensical/impossible answer. Alternatively, you could respond to it with your honest opinion, as that would be a comic double-inversion of the April Fools trope. I have taken an English class before.

KFC’s new chicken wraps are the best fast food chicken sandwiches. And yes, I do consider wraps sandwiches. Fight me.

I receive too much female attention due to the excessive amount of Patrick Bateman-posting I do on ifunny.com, and it’s getting in the way of my edgy-incel-stone-cold-doomer pill thoughts-

maxxing. I’m starting to lose my grip on my delusional fantasy. What do I do to bring back my depressive attitude towards life?

You haven’t left your delusion yet, women aren’t real.

How do I up my golfing game?

It’s ok, struggling to get it up is a problem faced by many men so there is no reason to be ashamed. Especially since there are now tons of treatments available to ease your problem. Soon, getting your ‘game’ up will no longer be a struggle, and you’ll be smacking balls with the energy you haven’t had since you were a teenager.

Is it okay to watch porn with your friends?

Why wouldn’t it be? Unless, of course, you’re watching that vanilla missionary sex. That’s a disgusting affront against God you damn dirty heathen.

What is wrong with people? I found out about the legend of the Imgur blumpkin and… I saw things.

What the fuck is an Imgur Blumpkin?

What if Binghamton Review all lived in a house together? That would be pretty funny I think.

The first few weeks would likely consist of all sorts of shenanigans. You know, playing Mario Kart, drinking excessively, writing last minute articles, and arguing about which Weezer album is the best. Then, inevitably, someone will suggest we play Monopoly. At this point, only one of us will be leaving that house alive.

Is it normal to sniff Clorox wet wipes when I feel upset or need inspiration for my next artwork?

No, it is not normal, but who am I to judge you? I myself get an odd sense of enjoyment from answering these questions. Although, that may just be Stockholm Syndrome. Anyway, live your life in the happiest way possible. :)

This is a serious problem. Up until now, I’ve kept my gooning seshes and my mind-palace as two separate entities. But, as time goes on, they have started to merge together. Let me explain. When I enter my mind-palace to solve the riddles on r/riddles, I notice that where my mind-poster board once stood on my mind-wall, it’s just filled with mental softcore pornography instead. And so of course I have to sit down on my mind-couch and mentally pleasure myself for hours on end. As such, my mind-spooge has stained my mind-palace beyond repair, and mind-cold-water isn’t helping. Please help.

In all my days, I have never had a question I can’t answer… until now. You’re on your own, buddy.

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.

The Ritz Incident

There’s a storm brewing underneath the university campus. There, nearly 45 square miles of catacombs sprawl, are now forgotten to the dust and snow. Some say it was built there in the late 60s right around when the summer of love became the winter of revolution. When the great famine shook Vestal to its core, and when the Campus Communists made their greatest attacks on the establishment.

This sort of thing is now etched in fairy tales and urban legends, but for a time it was true; the Campus Communists were the hellraisers and cropburners. These proponents of Marx led their ideology to a great standoff on February 14th, 1969, sometimes called the Battle of Crocker Island, where local militia forces and the Marxist disciples encountered each other on that small isle on the frozen Susquehanna River. The fighting was brutal; when the opposing forces ran out of ammunition, they resorted to taping hunting knives at the ends of their rifles and charging at each other like they would with bayonets. But the results were clear: the Communists, in their infinite dumbassery, retreated with only a dozen of their original force. Many of those still standing were badly wounded, but like chimps running from a turf war they knew they lost, they hobbled themselves back into the frozen woods, never to be seen again.

With that history lesson out of the way, let’s jump into an event that transpired just last year at one of our ever-important Binghamton Review meetings. As usual, we guided new members from a special meeting spot in the Classroom Wing to a secluded covert second location, all the while wearing black robes, sheathing scimitars, and walking by lamplight. The long walk yields its benefits; after becoming an E-board member, I’ve noticed that my calves and glutes are rock hard now. In a small bungalow on the top of the great mountain overlooking campus, we pulled open the sliding doors and led the new recruits in, for a ceremony in which they would finally gain their stripes and become official members of Binghamton Review.

This is where I must take a detour to explain proper procedure for acquiring membership. First, the soon-to-be members walk in, in front of everyone else, and then the E-Board, and then the novice members. The members walk in a double-file line inside the woodwork temple, and the final file of the line each takes a sliding door and pulls them shut. Next, the preceding two files of novice members, now being transferred the lanterns, each walk in unison around the perimeter of the bungalow’s one large room, and at each corner, they use the fire from the lantern’s core to illuminate the environmentally-safe TIKI brand tiki torches that work in dual purpose to act as a source of light for the room, but also to ward off mosquitos and ticks through the release of citronella. On top of these benefits, they are also only $4.99 at the local hardware store.

With the room now illuminated, we proceed to the true ritual, in which the E-board disperse and gather be-

By Naoto Shercock, PI

hind these platforms elevated just half a foot high, and stand all together in a tell of choreographed unity, and take their right foot first and station themselves further with their left upon the platforms. Written on each wooden platform is a word from our view upside-down: “soap.” Finally, a voice calls among one of them, “forward.” With that single bellow, the recruits each take a step toward the hooded figures on their platforms. From here, they each take turns in rotation approaching each E-Board member, and getting verbally abused as they look down at them, in a process called “cleansing”. After these rotations are done, the E-Board retreats off their platforms and carries a large basin of liquid (I may be generous with my depiction, the E-Board usually slides the basin, as it is rather heavy and they are not altogether so strong). The recruits take turns dipping their heads into the mysterious liquid. It is viscous and slimy.

The ultimate step of this arduous process is the final confirmation. They must stand in front of a podium on which a box of Ritz crackers stands. One by one, the group takes turns eating these crackers. The worst is behind them. However, as on this occasion one soon-to-be member, having gone through all the steps, chose to betray us in a light’s flicker. He took the box of Ritz crackers, and ran away through the fire escape, and never came back again. What was a subject of sacrament was desecrated in sacrilege. And I was assigned to the case.

After a series of Batman-style beatdowns and interrogations, I came to a hidden room in the Bartle Library, obscured by, of all things, a book on the shelf which, when you pull it down activates a switch that moves the whole bookshelf like some Scooby-Doo cartoon. It led me down to those very catacombs of legend. But where I expected to see dusty tunnels, I found instead hammers and sickles spray-painted red on the walls. Further down, I found an entire commune of the Red bastards all very, very stinky and very, very high. I communicated with some of them, but I could barely get a word in edgewise through their postmodernist ramblings.

“The filthy capitalist pigs extort us by adding a surcharge to the price of production!” and, “a market left alone will monopolize!” and “extant power systems function in collusion to maintain unfair hierarchies based on such factors as race and gender!” With expert craft I pulled out the megaphone conveniently attached to my utility belt and retorted to their faulty criticisms: “take a shower, you filthy simp!”

Like that they dropped to their knees and withered away like men of straw, their fallacious arguments so indomitably annihilated that they had pissed themselves in utter embarrassment, and I stood sweaty and victorious and everybody clapped. I saw it there; a Nabisco-branded box, pristine in its display, a war trophy, containing those most palatable golden crackers. I was the adoration of the Review that next Tuesday at 7:30pm in room CW215, and, as they say, the rest is history.

The Shopping Lobe

So–I was going about my day, browsing the interwebs, when I stumbled upon this really scientific article published by a website that also hosts quizzes like ‘Which Guy From the Office Would Find You Attractive Based on Your Favorite Fruit?’ (Michael Scott!! XD). The article said some really smart things about dopamine and how playing Minecraft is basically just like doing cocaine!!! Or even having sex, which I can’t confirm or deny since I’ve never done cocaine or had sex, but those things do sound scary and I thought Minecraft was innocent O__o. Anyway, I thought it would be fun to learn more about the brain because I AM LITERALLY A BRAIN CONTROLLING A MEAT SUIT YOU GUYS so I kept looking into it and found a whole bunch of articles on ‘neuroscience.’ WHOOF, that word sounds really smart, I needed to put my glasses on just to say it! I think it means when there’s dopamine: THE HAPPY CHEMICAL!! Like when you don’t go on TikTok for 3 hours you go through a dopamine detox and that’s why you start getting all twitchy and weird :P.

Anyway, one of the articles talked about the brain differences between men and women and it was so cool I thought I’d share it with you all! (MY LOYAL FANNNSSS *pats you*) I just

think it’s so crazy how a lot of things in society are actually all because of brain shapes! Like how men are better at logic and reasoning and problem-solving and women are better at helping puppies on the side of the road in a box. (And before you feminazis get uber-triggered at me for typing facts, just remember these were all proven by studies and if you don’t believe me you can read the article too. Just like that genius guy who Google fired just because he was just Sheldon-from-BigBang-Theory and didn’t understand social cues when he wrote that memo on why women are biologically less suited to tech jobs. People should not be canceled for stating facts, you guys. Women are biologically neurotic and just because some people don’t like to hear it doesn’t mean it’s not true!)

Women’s brains are totally different in the way that they’re wired and also women’s brains are in the shape of a giraffe while men’s brains are the shape of an elephant. This doesn’t mean one is better than the other, it just means they’re different! Also, women’s brains have something called the Shopping Lobe, which propels their drive to buy shoes and spend all their husband’s moneys XD. They also genetically cannot stop craving chocolate and talking about their period. But they’re better with emotions and feel-

By Baddieline

ings and English class To Kill a Mockingbird which is why they always pick the low-paying jobs LOL. Men’s brains also have differences like they’re better with tools and fixing things like cars and houses and stuff that actually does something beneficial instead of being a complete DRAIN on SOCIETY! It’s definitely been proven that they’re better at math somewhere but I forget where so don’t ask me.

This is why women and men can’t really understand each other—they just think in totally different ways! Even though there’s not really any part of the brain that’s always different for males and females I SWEAR the biology is real it’s just that everyone who tries to talk about it is censored by the easily-offended media. Cultural environment really doesn’t have a big impact on this and I get really mad when people say stuff like that! I just get so mad that my face turns red and steam comes out of my ears and my head makes a train whistle sound! Also, the metrics we use to define diagnoses are not biased, men are biologically 100x as likely to be autistic since they’re more likely to enjoy trains and the biological diagnostic criteria we came up with just happens to be ‘playing with trains.’ In women, autism is not real it’s just called being a horse girl or owning more than 3 Squishmallows.

Honestly, women are just genetically predisposed to having bad personalities that are simultaneously nagging yet not aggressive enough to get raises or promotions or be taken seriously. Just because “biology” was used in the past to justify racism does not mean this is the same thing at all!!! They were wrong then but we just got it right this time. I’m totally not trying to use umbrella term air-quotes biology as a thin veneer to imply that women are trivial and sensitive while men are more suited to the workforce and therefore have more social utility.

I’m NOT saying that!

It’s-a Me! A Gamer’s Unwanted Opinion!

Ah yes, April… not the most notable month of the year, but a fun month nonetheless with its fair share of holidays. There’s April Fool’s Day, but I personally refuse to be confined to one measly day of silliness. Who needs April Fools when I can shamelessly wear a metaphorical clown suit that jingles with each step every day of my life? And apparently April 4th is National Hug a Newsperson Day? Hopefully the Binghamton Review receives the hugs they deserve, or if they aren’t into that then hopefully people respect their personal space, I guess.

I am looking forward to what I hope will become a new April holiday come April 5, 2023: the release of The Super Mario Bros. Movie. For some time, there has been buzz for a movie dedicated to Super Mario Bros., one of the biggest video game franchises ever, starring that funny little Italian plumber guy alongside friends and foes from the Mushroom Kingdom and beyond. With promising trailers, an ad paying homage to the straight FIRE that is Mario’s The Super Mario Bros. Super Show! rap, and the release date inching closer, excitement has been building up. It was a bit of a fumble that the movie didn’t come out on March 10th, Mario Day, but I’m sure Illumination and Nintendo simply wanted to add yet another SPECTACULAR holiday to April’s catalog. As a player of Nintendo games and the uncool older sibling to a ten-yearold, I sure have been waiting for this movie.

The Super Mario Bros. Movie is just one example of a video game movie, a genre increasing in prevalence in recent years. Specifically, I am referring to video game movies where the forefront of the plot is a game franchise that already exists. While movies moreso based on a fictional game exist and their plots can overlap with those of real games, movies for preexisting games feel like a bigger risk to take. With something like Wreck-it-Ralph, there are real game characters here and there, but not so closely related to the main plot that Disney could mess up the depiction. Meanwhile, every gamer and their mother is going to be mad if The Super Mario Bros. Movie botches Mario, which is partly why some have been worried about Chris Pratt voicing him. I honestly can’t tell how I feel about his voice based on the trailers; sometimes it just sounds like Pratt doing a slight New York accent, but occasionally he makes a sound or says a certain word and it DOES sound Mario-like. If you close your eyes and listen, his line “Mushroom Kingdom, here we come!” sounds like Linda Belcher from Bob’s Burgers which is funny I think.

Recently, movies about real video games have included examples such as Detective Pikachu, Sonic the Hedgehog, and Sonic the Hedgehog 2. But I find it hard to compare these to the upcoming Mario movie, as they’re animated/ live-action hybrids. This doesn’t mean they weren’t taking a risk; obviously, these are two very real game franchises and

By Emily Portalatin

fans don’t want to be disappointed. However, the live-action aspects allow the story to be a bit looser in terms of lore. I thought these movies were okay, but some fans may be left wanting more game-based action upon watching, and not just to gasp at each nostalgic character that appears on-screen for most of the runtime. While those movies were good enough, they’re also just game-themed additions to the “CGI creature and generic man” family movie trope that I’m personally sick of seeing.

So what would Mario’s movie be more comparable to? The Angry Birds Movie, or maybe… Minions? That’s a sobering thought for reasons I’ll touch on later, but they are all fully animated movies dedicated to the world and lore of a franchise, although Minions obviously isn’t video-game related. Movies like The Angry Birds Movie and its sequel were able to play around with their story, but they likely had to be slightly more careful with that in their own world without any interdimensional human stuff. But to be honest, I’m sure people were much less worried about Angry Birds having accurate lore and worthy depictions in their movie than they are toward Mario and his colossal franchise.

Video game movies based on real games have technically been a thing since the 1990s, but they haven’t been very good. The Rotten Tomatoes critic’s scores of most of these movies didn’t even get close to reaching 40%, and the audience scores weren’t much better. Nowadays, video game movies have generally received Rotten Tomatoes percentages in the 40-60% range, besides a few outliers, which is better than what it was! But clearly, it could be better.

I don’t want Mario to fall into the trap of simply being adequate, but sometimes I wonder what I should really expect. A wise suitemate once said, “He’s an Italian plumber! What else can you ask of a man?” While that’s so true, I am still asking, begging, PLEADING for this movie not to be bad. Just because this is animated and partially intended for children doesn’t mean someone such as myself should not be able to enjoy it for what it is, especially with how generational the Mario franchise has been. We need to stop equating animation and video games with “childish” things that don’t take effort, because they do take effort, and it shows when you play a great game or watch a great movie!

While worries about the movie’s quality have crossed my mind, there is reason to have hope that this could be a good, maybe even great, movie. For one, the cast seems pretty solid. Jack Black is seemingly the perfect casting choice for Bowser, on par with Jim Carrey as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic the Hedgehog, and the rest of the cast also seems well-picked based on the trailers. Although… I’m still slightly worried about Chris Pratt as Mario. While I understand Mario does not talk as much in the games and Pratt needed to alter the

plumber’s voice to complement an entire movie, I hope it’s not too close to his regular voice. Maybe his charisma will make up for any vocal shortcomings and make his Mario sound better than it is. Regardless, I’ve got my eye on you, Pratt.

Speaking of Crisp Rat, while the announcement of his role as Mario sparked plenty of memes, luckily this and the trailers have not generated many memes on the “Uh… meow?” level of borderline ridicule. The visuals look great too; the bright colors and impressive animation bring Mario’s universe to life vividly and will make for a mesmerizing ninety minutes, not to mention all the callbacks and references to the Mario games they implemented! Still have yet to see Gay Bowser though :( . I also hope they do well with the soundtrack, because Nintendo’s video game music usually slaps to the point of scratching an itch in my brain I never knew existed.

Another aspect of the movie that brings me hope is Nintendo’s heavy involvement in its production. Mario is Nintendo’s poster child! I suspect they would be working hard to uphold his reputation, lest he become some joke after the movie. And yes, I KNOW a big driver for making this kind of movie is often nostalgia-fueled profit, but if Sega was willing to spend millions extra to fix Ugly Sonic, it is clear that Nintendo would have the same care if not more for their star. Mario games have been getting better and better, so I’d hope the movie keeps up this momentum.

I guess my final worry besides the movie’s quality is how theatergoers will act when it finally releases. Maybe I’m overthinking, but Illumination is the animation studio behind The Super Mario Bros. Movie, a fact which could cause chaos if one recalls what happened with Illumination’s Minions: The Rise of Gru last summer. Minions had already been a huge meme for years, but the newest Minions installment added even more fuel to the fire, leading throngs of teens to dress in fancy attire just to see it. This was completely harmless, at least until some of these “gentleminions” had to spoil the fun by becoming actively disruptive, yelling during the entire movie, and throwing objects. Illumination in general is clowned on quite a bit, and this was the result.

Mario’s trailers and announcements have been generating memes, especially about Pratt, but not quite to the mocking, ironic extent that others like the Minions reached. However, the movie is still an animated, somewhat silly-looking product of Illumination based on a HUGE franchise, which could attract disruptive crowds if similar trends car-

ry over. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some uptight Nintendo connoisseur who graduated from Gamer University with a Degree in Gatekeeping; I know this movie is meant to be a fun time (and Gamer University rejected me anyway). But people forget that folks have been enjoying this video game franchise for generations, and unwarranted chaos will ruin the experience for kids and adults alike. It’s one thing if the movie sucks; if the movie sucks AND people completely disrupt the viewing experience, it’s almost like losing twice, getting nothing from the excursion at all! This behavior also just feels like a side effect of ol’ quarantine. It’s similar to how concert etiquette seems to be at a low lately (STOP calling Mitski “mommy” at her shows! There’s NO way she gave birth to ALL of you!). Maybe quarantine isn’t the sole cause—I’m not sure people had much etiquette before quarantine anyway—but sometimes it feels like everyone’s pent-up emotions have been running wild from 2021 to now. I’m just hoping for a normal, fun viewing experience without feeling like I’ve wasted my money for one reason or another.

While we shouldn’t take this movie too seriously, there are valuable things riding on its success. This is not the first video game movie based on a real game by any means, but the success of The Super Mario Bros. Movie can allow the video game movie genre to take more chances, expand, and improve. Perhaps Nintendo could make movies for their other video game creations. These games have amazing stories that Nintendo could someday tell on the big screen if all goes well, but these movies are still considered a bit of a risk, so only time (and the box office) will tell. If it’s done right, a Nintendo Cinematic Universe would have more impact on me than a single Marvel movie ever could.

So let’s have hope—and some cautious optimism— for the quality of The Super Mario Bros. Movie, the theater etiquette of fellow Mario enjoyers, and the potential of video game movies. If anyone needs me, I’ll be celebrating this new holiday by sitting in the movie theater wearing my Princess Peach closet cosplay, at least until the employees realize I’ve been there for weeks and forcibly remove me from the premises. Wahoo!

“Don’t get me wrong, I’m not some uptight Nintendo connoisseur who graduated from Gamer University with a Degree in Gatekeeping; I know this movie is meant to be a fun time (and Gamer University rejected me anyway).”

The Ethics of Sink-Pissing By

Pro:

The porcelain throne is no throne, but in fact an electric chair, and we are all its victims. What Big Toilet has been espousing since the beginning of modern plumbing has been a disaster for the human race. Why, you ask? We have been convinced that the at-least 330 million toilets in the homes of the American public (one for every person) are “necessary” and “sanitary.” But let’s be honest: the whole concept of a bathroom is to provide us a false sense of security. The guy who invented it thought, “if we make a room specifically for releasing waste in, we can prevent diseases,” but they didn’t even know what germs were, and as it turns out, those guys are everywhere, sticking to our privates long after we’ve cleared our system. And to make matters worse, we decide to also make it the place where we bathe ourselves too. What sense does that even make? So that we can get bombarded immediately by fecal matter when we step out of the shower in our Paw Patrol bathrobe?

Anyways, the point still stands that, if we can’t prevent the spread of germs through containment (wink wink) we should at least make the process as efficient and pain-free as possible. And the answer has been in front of us the whole time. Remember that both the toilet and sink use the same vital element, water. And both use the water for the same purpose, to carry and clean grime (or, even, dare I say, urine?) down a drain into the water system. In both cases, this wastewater is sent to the same place, our sewers. The difference then is that we decide it is a worthwhile use of our resources to maintain the illusion that we are somehow distanced from our dirtiness by walking a few steps to a separate basin to wash our hands. We have let the emotional liberals win by conceding logic. Imagine, dear reader, just how much has been misallocated in this pursuit. It’s like that “society if [blank]” meme, but actually legit. Also, when was the last time you touched any part of the sink basin, besides to clean it? You touch the sink handles, just as you touch the toilet’s trip lever. So the next time you’re renovating that bathroom, maybe consider convincing your wife that, no, that $100 purchase is not necessary, when a common sink will suffice.

Anti:

SINKS! ARE NOT! FOR PISSING! GOD FUCKING DAMN! THIS IS THE FUCKING SATIRE ISSUE BUT YOU’RE FUCKING SERIOUS! WHAT IN THE SHOWER-SHITTING FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! ANYONE WHO CLAIMS TO PISS IN THE SINK IS FUCKING SICK AND SHOULD BE DISMISSED!

Oh “Ad Hominem” you cry. LISTEN YOU FUCKING SOYJACK, I’m not going to take any Latin rhetoric from somebody who PISSES! IN THE FUCKING SINK! By your

Our Staff

“materialist” logic, you should have no problem eating off a plate on which I pissed and excreted, but put in the dishwasher with soap. Can you honestly say you would—without any hesitation?

You may say “Yes,” thinking you look like the chad from the chad meme (but you actually look like what would happen if Gilbert Gottfried messily ate cold Chef Boyardee meat ravioli from a can with botulinum contamination), but don’t kid yourself: you may see—or imagine you see—yellow and brown stains on the plate, and try to convince your mind that is akshually saffron and nutella, but your body won’t accept that. You’ll shiver as that shigella toxin—real or imagined— propagates in your intestine. “It doesn’t kill most people, right?” you ask yourself, now looking like the crying soyjack from the aforementioned chad meme.

By induction, then, you might see THE PROBLEM WITH PISSING IN THE SINK (a too-long YouTube video essay). No matter how hard you try, the piss will never go directly in the drain. There will ALWAYS be piss-remnant staining your porcelain—your mark of the beast. “I’ll just wash it away,” the sinner says, but WAIT! Splashing water aerosolizes the piss, perfect for breathing, condensing on skin, and even getting that SLIGHT TASTE in your mouth, you know the one I mean. But my allotted space is up. DON’T PISS IN THE SINK!

Moderate:

Let’s delve into the bathroom of my mind palace. Theoretically, a sink should be around hip height. Whether or not it’s ethical to piss into a sink relies on three basic principles:

1.The sink is running

2.You’re pissing directly downward into the drain

3.Your genitals are not touching the sink in any way

In this idealized utopian situation, pissing into the sink is ethical from a consequentialist perspective, much like peeing in the shower (environmentalist, saves water, hot af). However, there are still some societal drawbacks as it is not currently POLITICALLY CORRECT to pee into a sink. However, if one or more of these principles is violated, you are getting your gross cooties everywhere and I hate you. We must also consider feminism: how will dickless women pee into a sink with their weirdly shaped unmentionables? I pose that if it’s acceptable for one, it should be acceptable for all, and women should be provided with technological crazy-straw-like-mechanisms to achieve their goals, and short men provided stools. Thus, I rest my case—pissing in the sink can be ethical, but the majority of time it is not, as many will violate the three principles and equality is not yet on the sink-pisser horizon.

Former Presidents Make Peace Through Gaming?

Somethingextraordinary has happened: As Winter finally subsides and the dawn of Spring is upon us, so dawns the beginning of a new age in America. It appears as though peace has finally been brought to the American political arena.

The big players in the American political scene, including former presidents and political commentators, have put away their petty squabbles and bickering to instead cooperate in a more reasonable manner. President Joe Biden along with former presidents Donald Trump and Barack Obama have taken up video games as a way of connecting with each other in a more peaceful and bi-partisan nature.

As many of you may have already seen on sites such as TikTok and YouTube, the presidents have taken to playing video games such as Minecraft, Fortnite, GTA 5, and COD Zombies. They make videos with each other using the popular social platform, Discord, in which the three have fashioned personae for themselves. Biden or “Sleepy Joe” is known for falling asleep while on voice call and for his creepy remarks about women. Trump has presented himself as a funny yet very hot-headed bully akin to that of Eric Cartman from South Park. Lastly, Obama has fashioned himself as the level-headed mediator in the group with a dark past of drone-striking daycares in the Middle East. Together, these three big shots in the political scene have turned away from the boring political process of old and turned to solving their differences through video games and sleepovers at each other’s houses.

The group has also caught on to the popular trend of creating tier lists that rank various games, items, tv shows, food, etc.; the three have created many of these tier lists including

but not limited to: Cod Zombies Maps, fast food restaurants, Lego Star Wars video games, Pixar moms, and gaming consoles. These videos often involve Trump and Biden clashing on many if not all topics brought up with Trump referring to Biden as “Sleepy Joe” and with Biden failing to make any meaningful comeback without Obama defending him.

The three have had many famous guests appear on video call, with them ranging from other former presidents to political commentators and even rappers. This includes big names like George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, Joe Rogan, Ben Shapiro, Elon Musk, Walter Jr., Ice Spice, and Drake. They have even been able to talk with the spirits of Queen Elizabeth II and JFK. These guests have been in videos with the presidents, playing video games such as Minecraft, as well as providing advice in tier lists, with Ben Shapiro being known as very annoying and Drake as very sexually promiscuous, especially towards Trump whom he refers to as “Donnie.” Although these guests do not appear in many videos, it’s good to see this type of political discussion move beyond the field of politicians to include other important people of our time.

Although the three constantly argue and insult each other, it seems as though the three have become close friends. Their friendship truly represents that of a stereotypical healthy male friend group that makes fun of each other constantly but doesn’t take anything personally. They have made videos of each other having sleepovers at their parents’ houses and playing games such as UNO. They no longer care about petty ideas such as “leftwing” or “right-wing” and instead make videos on Buffalo Wild Wings menu items. They have put an end to

By Daniel Guido

the cut-throat politics of the past in a move that will inevitably be good for the state of the union. This type of bi-partisanship forged through video games and Discord voice calls is what George Washington intended in his farewell address condemning political parties. It will still be interesting to see if the gang will continue to make these videos together once the 2024 election heats up, possibly pinning Biden against Trump once again.

There have been some reports that potentially none of this is true and that these videos are created by random people using A.I. programs to voice the presidents. However, this cannot possibly be true as computers and so called “A.I.” are stupid and will never have the capability of replicating a real human voice. These sorts of ideas are spun by contemporary news outlets that don’t want us to believe

“This cannot possibly be true as computers and so called “A.I.” are stupid and will never have the capability of replicating a real human voice.”

the presidents can come together in a healthy way to resolve their differences through video games. They want us to continue to think that Trump and Biden view each other as the devil incarnate—that former president Trump continues to push fear amongst his supporters and believes the 2020 election was completely fraudulent while President Biden can barely make a coherent sentence and continues to ruin the economy beyond repair. Obviously, these rumors spun by the media cannot possibly be correct. Right?

‘87: The Secret History of Binghamton Review

(To the tune of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah)

I heard there was a secret room Where Mangle was, in FNAF Two But you don’t really care for Foxies, do you?

It goes like this, the vent, the hiss, Without the mask, he’s really pissed. It’s Mangle, and he bites in ‘87. ‘87. ‘87. ‘87. ‘eighty se-e-e-e-ven.

Any zoomer born after 2002 can’t game. All they know is Freddy Fazbear’s Pizzeria, charge they doors, flashlight, twerk, be stuffed into animatronics, and lie.

In all seriousness, Five Nights at Freddy’s is arguably a series of video games. In the venerable years since the first game’s release in 1994, the now-multimedia series has garnered a reputation for its uncanny (like Mr. Incredible) horror-atmosphere, expansive and convoluted story, and—let’s just say—enthusiastic audience. I myself may or may not have created a certain article inspired by the franchise. Yet in all of my years as a true Five Nights at Freddy’s lorebeard (it’s a real word shut up), I knew something of which nobody else was aware: an obscure secret which, once released to the public, would overturn every preconceived presupposition pertaining to the Five Nights at Freddy’s franchise, leaving every Tom, Dick, Stanley, Matthew, and Patrick stunned, gobsmacked, and appalled at its revelation:

What if I told you, dear reader, that Five Nights at Freddy’s is real? No, not based off of true events, like the first ever “FNAF Theory” video intimated. I mean to say that events eerily similar to those described in the series occurred in real life, and were plainly represented in the series’ games, books, comic books, coloring

books, and dreams that I had about the books. In this article, I will tell all. I will expose the secret history of Five Nights at Freddy’s, and how it led to the founding of this very publication: Binghamton Review…

Prologue

In order to tell the story I am about to tell, I must tell you a story. A different story. A story that explains the story I am about to tell. For you see, only a few months ago, I too was a callow and naïve Five Nights at Freddy’s enthusiast, just like yourself, if you are still reading this. Nevertheless, I pride myself on being a truth seeker. As an avid user of the website Reddit, I have been trained to unflinchingly pursue the truth, no matter the costs, and to never be satisfied with cheap answers—especially those that confirm my biases. To that end, I put down my stim station: I shut off the Subway Surfers; I closed my “Family Guy Funny Moments” and “AskReddit voice-to-text video” tabs; I looked away from that fruit being peeled, and I took the liberty of investigating a small, but peculiar, coincidence I noticed while reading this very magazine.

Turn to the editorial. Now!

Did you see it? No? Go there again, and this time read the “Our Mission” section underneath Madeline’s elegant signature. Did you see it now? “What’s ‘it’?” you ask, your frustration increasing as you burn those calories and grow fit from flipping pages again and again. Fine, I’ll show you myself, but you’d better do a push-up after reading this, or else you’ll have fat cheeks just like Toy Freddy in FNAF 2 [please kill me].

The “Our Mission” section of Binghamton Review, often overlooked, describes our mission in publishing this ‘zine every few weeks. It reads,

By Arthur O’Sullivan

“Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University...”

Read the very first sentence. When were we founded? If the year “1987” doesn’t ring alarm bells in your head, then I’m sorry, but you’re just not a real FNAF fan. If so, then stop reading this article and go back to being a productive member of society. There is nothing more for you here, and you are not welcome. If you are a real FNAF fan, however, then keep reading. After all, there is nothing for you out there. The real world is like one great spring-lock suit: one that traps you when you start to moisten. But FNAF is like the office with the powered doors that keep the animatronics out. With proper effort and skill, you can seal yourself away from the real world: from a job (Freddy), from family (Bonnie), from women (Chica), and from pirates (Foxy). [It’s too painful in here. Somebody please help me. I just won’t die.]

To quote previous articles of mine, “What was I talking about again?” Oh, I remember now: literally 1987.

Is it true that Binghamton Review was founded that very year? Well, previous “Our Mission” statements seem to think so. Take this ancient one (which had been around since I was a real whippersnapper freshman at Binghamton Review—like balloon boy. It was changed to the current mission at the near-unanimous behest of our Editorial Board. I was in fact the sole opposition to the motion, like how Circus Baby dissented from Ennard after the events of Sister Location; unlike them, I was not expelled from the E-Board, leaving them to form Molten Freddy. For at the time, I believed it wrong to callously change traditions [the Fazbear Frights Baseball cap stays ON during lovemaking].

And while I still agree with that sentiment in principle, with the perspective of old age and hindsight, I find that the new mission statement has grown on me, and it fixes many of the flaws contained in the following mission statement. (The e-board-Ennard saw that the mission statement was broken, but we were still its friends, so we put it back together.) Of course, it’s not perfect, but nothing is, and I figure that if people are only paying attention to the mission statement, then this magazine is doing something wrong. We should be engaging our readers, not boring them with long, page-filling articles of nonsense and fluff. It’s only when readers are bored, finding our articles too silly or impenetrable that they pay attention to the mediocre melodies of mission statements, copyrights, and fonts. Long digressions aside, when trifles like these predominate conversations, you will know that Binghamton Review is dead, and that the West, by extension, has fallen, and that millions must consequently die. Much like the Missing Children’s Incident (the genesis of the mystery of Five Nights at Freddy’s), the fall of Western Civilization, caused by the change in mission statement of Binghamton Review, will cause an ineluctable flood of death, agony, and haunting. With this in mind, read through the old mission statement and see if you see what I see):

“Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine of conservative thought founded in 1987 at Binghamton University...”

Nineteen ‘eighty-seven. 1987.

‘87

The 198- the bit- the of biteThe BITE OF ‘87?!

For those not “in the know” like [HELP] me and Matt over there, the Bite of ‘87 is, according to the Five Nights at Freddy’s Wiki, “an incident that occurred in 1987 at the second Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza location. It was briefly mentioned by Phone Guy in the first game.”

Well I’m convinced. Let’s go home.

For those seeking more detail, I will begrudgingly explain the inner workings of my mind-palace:

In the venerable Five Nights at Freddy’s franchise, the Bite of ‘87 (presumably 1987—but do not discount theories that say otherwise) has been a much-remarked-upon moment, shrouded in mystery and red herring. Now, as a professional Norwegian, I eat herring for breakfast, so when the presumptive “Bite of ‘87” was “revealed” in the fourth installment, the halitosis of my scream killed the local fauna. And when this “revelation” was “revealed” to be the “Bite of ‘83,” the halitosis of my scream killed the local flora. Needless to say, I still don’t fully understand the Bite of ‘87. At least, I thought I didn’t.

If Binghamton Review was founded in 1987, and the Bite of ‘87

happened in 1987, then surely these two are connected.

Now, you may be wondering, “Arthur, old shoe, didn’t this magazine used to be about politics?” To which I would respond, yes.

You may also be wondering, “O’Sullivan, [Is anyone there? My name is Matthew. I used to make Five Nights at Freddy’s theories, but now I’m trapped… somewhere. Actually, I think I’m haunting the magazine itself! Look, I don’t have the strength to explain, but if you can, I need you to go to a Binghamton Review meeting (Tuesdays 7:30 p.m. at Classroom Wing 215), holding this magazine. Go up to the members and say “I’m lusting for a Fredbear Surprise” with a straight face, and then leave. That way, I’ll be free again. Please, help a theorist out, will you?]”

To which I’d respond, “Of course the Bite of ‘87 and Binghamton Review’s founding are connected, and I can prove it.”

Let’s have a thought experiment, shall we? Do any of you know what a Generative Adversarial Network is? If not, fear not. According to the abstract (I couldn’t find the full text) of the seminal Computer Science paper by Ian Goodfellow et al. in 2014, Generative Adversarial Networks (GANs) are,

“...a new framework for estimating generative models via adversarial nets, in which we simultaneously train two models: a generative model G that captures the data distribution, and a discriminative model D that estimates the probability that a sample came from the training data rather than G. The training procedure for G is to maximize the probability of D making a mistake. This framework corresponds to a minimax two-player game. In the space of arbitrary functions G and D, a unique solution exists, with G recovering the training data distribution and D equal to 1/2 everywhere. In the case where G and D are defined by multilayer perceptrons, the entire system can be trained with backpropagation. There is no need for any Markov chains or unrolled approximate

Figure 1: The Marketplier Soy-jak. Source: Know Your Meme

“If you are a real FNAF fan, however, then keep reading. After all, there is nothing for you out there.”

inference networks during either training or generation of samples. Experiments demonstrate the potential of the framework through qualitative and quantitatively evaluation of the generated samples.”

Essentially, you can think of computers as having a “bank” of computing power that replenishes roughly every business week. This “bank” can be depleted if you use it too early in the week. But if you train it properly, through a generative adversarial technique, this “bank” will not be depleted. It just requires you to put aside your short-term pleasure for long-term goals, like getting a girlfriend. This can also prevent hackers from hacking into sensitive things, like my massive collection of animatronic pornography. This was the experimental model I used to investigate the connection between the Bite of ‘87 and Binghamton Review’s subsequent foundation. I served as the generative model “G” that captures the data distribution; our Editor in Chief Madeline Perez served as a discriminative model D that estimates the probability that a sample came from the training data rather than G (she did this by discriminating against my Irish heritage in the last issue); I (G) maximized the chances of Madeline (D) making a mistake by citing out-of-game-universe canon (I) such as the Fazbear Frights novels and the fanfiction I wrote for the last April Fool’s issue (or maybe it was the Halloween issue—I don’t know and I don’t care).

After seven hours of generative adversarial training between G and D (that is, Madeline and me, respectively), I (D) made some interesting discoveries. To explain them, let’s have a thought experiment, shall we? What happens when you lose your frontal lobe? “You die, right?” responds Shayne, festering in the arrogant mire of his own intellect (by this I mean that he’s wrong). Indeed, as the Phone Guy (my beloved) has revealed in the first installment of the Five Nights at Freddy’s franchise, in reference to the Bite of ‘87, which he first mentioned, “Yeah. It’s amazing

that the human body can live without the frontal lobe, you know?”

“That’s preposterous!” I hear you cry, but it’s true. Just look at the pop-neuro-psych icon du jour Phineas Gage. Now, don’t get ahead of yourself: Phineas Gage was not the victim of the Bite of ‘87. He was, however, the victim of the Spike of ‘48 (1848, that is), which pierced his eye and skull through the frontal lobe during the many uprisings and revolutions in Europe that year (one of which was the February Revolution, which saw the removal of King Louis Philipe of France, much like the destruction of Fazbear Frights—not to be confused with the July Revolution of 1830, which saw Louis Philipe’s installment to power after the overthrow of King Charles X—also not to be confused with the 1832 June Rebellion, a failed revolt against the aforementioned Louis Philipe by a group of students, made famous by the Victor Hugo novel and stage adaptation of Les Misérables. As the song goes, “Do you hear the Fredbears sing? Singing the song of angry kids. It is the music of the victims of the evil purple guy.” These things I write not for comic digression, but because I had confused these things before looking them up on Wikipedia while procrastinating on writing this) [It hurts]. Phineas Gage survived, but he was transformed. Where there was once Phineas Gage, there was now a different Phineas Gage. It can be compared to the difference between Toy Chica (or, as my friend referred to her in seventh grade, “Sexy Chica”) and Withered Chica in the second installment of the game series.

Basically, you can think of your brain having a “bank” of frontal lobe. The more times you pierce this frontal lobe (either through a railroad spike or an animatronic bite), the more depleted this “bank” is. Unlike serotonin and dopamine in the brain, these banks don’t refill themselves naturally after every business week (or Five Nights, if you please). If you deplete your frontal lobe bank too much, your brain goes crazy. You feel depressed, and you lack self-control. It’s like Lent, but every day. And you become little

more than a remnant of your former self.

A remnant? That feels significant somehow. My head hurts too much to explain it though. I wonder what happened. Anyways, to make a long story short…

Conclusion

The Bite of ‘87 led to the foundation of Binghamton Review. It first began when William Afton, serial murderer and resident of Old Rafuse Hall (back then it was called Rafuse, and you needed to spend five BUC$ to take the shuttle. I needed to go there back in ‘87 to get some cookies—that was because all of the cookies in Endicott were sent off to Europe during the war. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. It meant that you were looking for cookies, and maybe a little sugar, if you know what I mean ;(. I went there and a nice man named William Afton came up to me and… (what did he do?) murdered someone by stuffing his head into a spring-lock animatronic suit’s mouth and it bit down when the victim moistened in fear. That victim suffered severe brain damage, having lost his frontal lobe in the Bite of ‘87. Still, he was a Binghamton University student, so this dental lobotomy actually increased his scholarly acumen. Thus, he was able to rise above the other students, and founded the greatest magazine in existence: Penthouse. Afterwards he founded Binghamton Review, the Last Refuge of Scholars. With this, Western Civilization had reached its apogee, and so long as it publishes, the West shall not fall.

I… remember something now… I think that it was me. I…

I WAS THE BITE OF ‘87 VICTIM!

That’s how I knew the secret, all this time. William Afton tried to kill me! Luckily, we all burned up in that fire in 2023 after his business partner made William Afton’s son Michael run Coppertop Pizzeria before setting it ablaze. Did I mention I’m a ghost?

Godzilla vs. Megalon: A Cinematic Masterpiece

On March 17, 1973, Japanese film audiences had the opportunity to experience a true tour de force that forever revolutionized special effects, artistic cinema, and storytelling itself. 50 years later, it stands as an underappreciated gem, a cult classic that only gets better over time. For the uninitiated, it’s a cheap blockbuster intended for children and their parents. For the enlightened, Godzilla vs. Megalon is peak kino. The characters are inspirational, the stakes are harrowing, and its progressive themes speak to the modern generation fluently.

Acclaimed Japanese screenwriter Shinichi Sekizawa gifted the world with the basic plot for this spectacle, although the final script was written by director Jun Fukuda, who was known for his work on other sci-fi thrillers before helming Godzilla vs. Megalon. These creative masterminds set the groundwork for what would become one of the greatest movies ever made. This is all the more impressive given that the production timeline lasted roughly 6 months, a small fraction of the typical 4-5 years allotted to Hollywood theatrical productions.

So, what is Godzilla vs. Megalon really about? A brief summary cannot hope to capture the sheer complexity nor the narrative depth, but the conflict begins when nuclear weapons testing by humanity catches the attention of the Kingdom of Seatopia, a lost civilization that sank beneath the waves 3,000 years ago. The survivors of this ancient catastrophe hardly appreciate the geological instability created by atomic weaponry, and they seek revenge for the damage done to their kingdom by surface-dwelling humans. Their plan for retaliation is downright brilliant.

Seatopians are so advanced that their technology easily surpasses our own. They put this to their advantage when they summon their deity, the giant cyborg beetle known as Megalon. This gargantuan insect stands 55 meters tall (approximately 180 feet) and weighs 40,000 metric tons. Because the special effects are so realistic and convincing, many viewers are unaware that Megalon is portrayed by professional suit actor Hideto Date. The creature, once summoned, goes on a rampage across Japan and reduces cities to rubble.

In the best stories, villains are often just as enjoyable as their heroic counterparts. This film is no exception. Before delving into the obvious protagonist, it is important to share the spotlight with the rest of the main cast. Goro Ibuki and his best friend Hiroshi Jinkawa are two men who, alongside a young boy named Rokuro, work together on a special scientific project. This project is none other than the robot Jet Jaguar, a machine capable of flying and changing its size at will.

The real-world origins of Jet Jaguar are one of the most interesting parts of this film’s production history. A contest was sponsored by the Toho Company (the legal owners of the Godzilla franchise) in 1972, and the purpose of this contest was to have children submit their original monster designs to be featured in an upcoming Godzilla film. It is understandable to feel envious

By Logan Blakeslee

after learning this fact. Regardless, the Children Monster University contest was won by the young Masaaki Sano, who originally named the robot Red Alone.

Jet Jaguar, despite being a machine, alters its own code to give itself artificial intelligence. This ability would be considered ominous in almost any other work of science fiction, but here it is the plot element that saves the day. The robot contains a sense of empathy for humanity and uses its newfound intelligence to protect it from the Seatopian invasion. However, Jet Jaguar lacks the strength to defeat Megalon on its own. It calls upon the aid of our favorite radioactive reptile, Godzilla.

Adding further mayhem to the mix, the Seatopians respond to this unlikely alliance by summoning yet another monster to the fight. They request a small loan of a giant monster from their alien collaborators, who kindly provide a cyborg extraterrestrial with more blades than a slasher villain—Gigan. From there, it’s a 2v2 brawl of epic proportions that has put audiences on the edge of their seats for decades. Godzilla and Jet Jaguar ultimately come out victorious, and they emotionally shake hands before parting ways. Film critics would be wise to note that this scene probably moved countless viewers to tears.

The ending of the film is famous for its inclusion of the musical perfection that is the theme song, “Godzilla and Jet Jaguar: Punch! Punch! Punch!” Listening to this song even once may encourage thousands to engage in martial arts with oversized creatures or perform extensive property damage against urban infrastructure.

An eternal mystery that has followed Godzilla vs. Megalon is the fact that it did not break every box office record during its theatrical release, despite a massive marketing campaign. Perhaps human eyes were not ready for such a high-quality film. Another mystery is that the film was both more popular and more profitable in the United States than it ever was in Japan. Promotion for the film took an especially weird turn at the Democratic National Convention in 1976, where a man in a Godzilla suit advertised the release in America as part of the bizarre “Godzilla for President” campaign.

Allegedly, bikini-clad women got up on stage at the convention immediately following Jimmy Carter’s nomination for president, and they shouted out to the crowd “Godzilla for Vice President!” It can be reasoned that Carter would have won a second term had he followed the advice of these respectable ladies. Altogether, Godzilla vs. Megalon earned $20 million at the box office against a $1.2 million budget. Rentals and toy sales raked in additional cash, and the memory of the film was kept alive in various video games and comic books. Jet Jaguar even appears as a main character in the new Netflix series Godzilla: Singular Point (2021). If nothing else, please watch the scene where Godzilla does a dropkick on Megalon. It’s definitely worth your time.