April 19, 2023 (Vol XXXV, Is. XI) - Binghamton Review

Dear Readers, Hark!

The new issue of Binghamton Review is here! I’m happy to announce that “Binghamton Rebirth” was just a fun little prank we pulled on the BU student populace for April Fools Day, and our club is still an intact, strong dictatorship. Gotcha! Although, unlike other, cooler dictatorships, my rule does have an expiration date. I have been preparing for my retirement to the mountains for quite some time, but much like an unnamed literary figure, am struggling to bequeath the One Ring to my bright-eyed nephew. Speaking of that—E-board elections for the 2023 run have concluded, and I’m beyond thankful to the future E-board for finally freeing me of these shackles I call ‘running a college publication.’ But hold off on the slaughterhouse—I have eggs to lay yet! This issue is one of those eggs, if you didn’t get that. My writing used to be much more coherent before I was driven mad with power. Does anyone even read this? What am I doing here? Did that egg metaphor make any sense to you?

The lineup in this issue is so great I literally died and went to heaven and then was resurrected three days later so that whoever believed in me should not perish but have everlasting life. Happy Easter, by the way. Ramadan Kareem, also. Tonight is also the last night of Passover. Sadly by the time this is in print it will have been over for a while, but what the hell—Happy Passover! And to everyone else, a joyous spring to you. And to all the blind people reading this:

Anyway, now back to our regularly scheduled programming. If you would like to have your mind blown, please turn to page 8 to find “The Ultimate Fictional Bear Ranking” by yours truly. This is, without a doubt, the best thing I have ever written. At the same time, it might possibly be the most controversial. Please don’t come after me. Alternatively, you can look at “Magic Words” by Arthur O’Sullivan on page 12 where he doesn’t even say “open sesame” once (can you believe it?). He does discuss the frilly elitist habit of so-called “intellectuals” inside political bubbles using words that have no real meaning to separate themselves from uninitiated people they deem lesser. A criticism long overdue, that other people rarely handle with this amount of nuance and care.

Inspired by my aforementioned talk of elections? Well, look no further than page 14 to discover “The S.A. Election Autopsy” by Logan Blakeslee, where he discusses a series of sussy events all culminating in this year’s Student Association E-board election. But don’t be dismayed, he also drops some helpful advice for all those wishing to run in future elections, as well as recommendations on how to change the current voting structure to ensure equity.

Welp, that’s all for this editorial! Don’t forget to frolic in our newfound sunshine, and as always, thanks for reading.

Sincerely,

Madeline Perez

Our Mission

Binghamton Review is a non-partisan, student-run news magazine founded in 1987 at Binghamton University. A true liberal arts education expands a student’s horizons and opens one’s mind to a vast array of divergent perspectives. The mark of true maturity is being able to engage with these perspectives rationally while maintaining one’s own convictions. In that spirit, we seek to promote the free and open exchange of ideas and offer alternative viewpoints not normally found on campus. We stand against dogma in all of its forms, both on campus and beyond. We believe in the tenents of free expression and believe all sudents should have a voice on campus to convey their thoughts. Finally, we understand that mutual respect is a necessary component of any prosperous society. We strive to inform, engage with, and perhaps even amuse our readers in carrying out this mission.

Views expressed by writers do not necessarily represent the views of the publication as a whole.

Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

I pick my nose multiple times a day because the boogers dry up on the sides of my nostrils and it’s hard to get them out any other way. I also enjoy it. Now, my right nostril is sore and slightly swollen. I think it’s because I picked it too much. What do I do?

Pick the left one more so it too will be swollen and sore. At least then your nose won’t be imbalanced anymore.

How do you write a good sex scene for your yaoi fanfiction?

Make sure the passion is evident. Describing the actual deed itself is not necessary if you could convey the passions and emotions of the act in a way that moves the reader.

My boyfriend is so cute, cuter than a baby, or even cuter than a cat, how can I cherish him?

Damn, being cuter than a cat is a pretty rare feat. Since he is obviously superior to cats, you should treat him better than you would a cat. Give him only the best treats, make sure he is always fed when he begs for food (even when you are woken up really early), and make sure to give him pets and belly rubs (even if he scratches people who touch his belly). Also, do this in front of other cats to establish his dominance over them.

My professor is so fucking annoying that it’s hard to do any of the reading for his class. How do I manage?

Why do you even bother reading assignments? Just fake it like the rest of us.

How do I style my short haircut and maximize my girltwink potential?

I wish I could help you but I am literally clueless when it comes to hair styling. I’m lucky my hair stays combed on most days.

Where can I fight you?

Anywhere, anytime. Just remember, I am in your walls and I will win.

…Benadryl… where…?

Ah, my plan of microdosing all of your food with Benadryl seems to have worked to perfection.

How do I increase my GPA? It’s currently at 3.7, but I’m gradu-

ating in two semesters and I’m scared that employers will judge me for my substandard grades.

Try getting a C or D first and then you can complain about a substandard GPA you elitist Cornell reject.

Got any good stock picks or investments for 2023?

I don’t know why but for some reason I think AOL stock is going to be really popping off next year. Alternatively try looking into Blockbuster.

I’ve got a busy week next week; I’ll be a busy little bee; I’ll be going “bzz bzz bzz” all over campus, making honey and nectar across all the flowers of campus. My question is, how can I be a busy bee without going BZZZzZZzZzzzzzzz all the way to my nectary grave?

Don’t get stepped on by those no good giant humans and you shouldn’t have to commit suicide by stinging anyone. Also, maybe just evolve a defense mechanism that doesn’t also just kill you.

What do I do? I created a time paradox and am stuck in an unending time loop. What do I do? I also have bad memory.

Just develop that amnesia fully and accept your newfound reality that you get to relive the same day over and over. Just imagine all the things you could do and immediately forget about.

How do I get less upset at things out of my control?

Just control your anger silly, I mean why would someone get mad at anything. Just continually repress it deep down inside until one day you snap and commit some horrible crime resulting in you being imprisoned or institutionalized.

Why are blonde are chicks so dumb? I’m courious.

I object to the use of the word ‘chicks’. Baby birds are way more intelligent than Blonde women. Also you must be blonde based on your awful grammar and spelling.

Too many people be swearing these days! Many people are saying this!

Source or you’re a fucking liar.

Need life advice? Email manager@binghamtonreview.com for more wacky, quirky, and zany responses.

My Asian American Mom

By Midas Leung

Recentlyin my Asian American class, I was tasked with doing an interview with my mother which showed me how much I already understood my mother. However, she did clarify a couple of misconceptions regarding her stories. One of my ancestors, for instance, was the child of a prostitute who I found out was Scottish. The funny thing is that the prostitute was Scottish and my ancestor was the Chinaman (what a player). Later I found that I had a family curse that only affected the family’s males. All males will be heavily disabled or die by the age of fifty. A couple of my ancestors have met that fate: One was blinded when a hook attached to his bike detached and hooked his eye out; another had just bought a moped and was transporting it across a river to show it his friends and family, but while doing so, a storm rushed through and he was never found. Yet the boat carrying the moped safely crossed the river. Then there was my father who died in his sleep similarly to my uncle.

After I learned that, I realized that I was nearing my 20s so it only makes sense I should be having a midlife crisis and getting out of this pREMIeR sUNy oF NEw yOrk and go do something with my life. But I am my mother’s retirement plan, and can’t

stop it now. My mom escaped Hong Kong because of the Communist threat that is the commie fucks that is the Chinese Communist Party. Her father pushed her to go to America and pursue its many opportunities and human rights. She would travel to New York and study accounting at Hunter College. Later she would meet my father and then just dip out of college and just forget her student visa and become an illegal immigrant (WOOO!). She would continue to live in New York and work in sweatshops around the city. One day Immigration Customs Enforcement would pop up and her boss would rush all dem illegals into the stairwell. See, my mom was smart: she was not a sheep like the others, so she decided to hide on the roof. Now you already know, since I am writing this paper, that she was not caught. The story would end anti-climactically as this was the 90s; immi-

gration was not that big a problem and so the agents just knocked on the door and just asked for the worker roster and that was it.

My mom would then get her citizenship thanks to everyone’s favorite reformed orthodox rabbi Bill Clinton. She gained a form of permanent residency by working for a newspaper company as a Chinese translator. While working there, she saw the first plane hit the twin towers while pregnant with my sister. (Nothing more to add on, just a fun fact.) She would then give birth to my sister, my older brother, then me, and after that, my younger brother. How do I know this? It’s not because my older siblings look older than me. Its because my dad was a fucking camera addict: he recorded every single birth. Those tapes would be in my family collection of home videos, scaring me for years to come and then soon my own children. After learning the full story of my mother, I would spend about 4 hours making the somewhat okayest paper I have ever written (meaning I bullshitted it). I got a 93 while my other two papers I had spent 12 hours on got lower grades. WTF is the point in trying for this shit. I gonna go eat crayons and join the military cya later suckers.

“Those tapes would be in my family collection of home videos, scaring me for years to come and then soon my own children.”

The Persona Article

By Dillon O’Toole

Hey everyone, it sure has been a while since I last wrote something (at least if you ignore the advice column). In that time, many ideas have come and gone, but, in the end, I was unable to transfer any of them into concrete ideas. That is, until today.

Unlike a lot of the people I know, I never had any interest in either anime or JRPGs (Japanese Role-Playing Games). I watched an episode of Pokémon here and there and I played a couple of Pokémon games. That was my only experience with either anime or JRPGs for 21 years of my life (note, I am not yet 22). It wasn’t like I avoided things from Japan, in fact, some of my favorite games were made by Japanese developers. Series like the Dark Souls games and Resident Evil have given me plenty of great video gaming experiences. So what changed? You know something had to, or why else would I be writing an article right now? Simple, Persona 5 Royal was ported to Xbox, and it was simultaneously put onto Xbox Game Pass.

I’m pretty sure I have previously talked about Xbox Game Pass (and if I haven’t, oh well). To give a very brief summary of why I like the service: it allows you to try games that come onto the service without actually having to purchase the games. In October of last year, one of the games that launched on Game Pass was Persona 5 Royal My only knowledge of the series (let alone the game), was that the main character was named Joker and that he was in Smash. Outside of that, I was aware that Persona 5 was considered one of the best JRPGs to have ever been released. That high praise (and also the fact that Starfield got delayed an indeterminate amount of time) was enough to convince me to at least download the game.

I’ll be honest, I started my playthrough of Persona as a joke. While playing the game Scorn, I made an offhand joke about how I always start a game while I’m in the middle of playing another. I then proceeded to ask

a friend of mine a question: should I interrupt Scorn with A Plague Tale: Requiem or Persona 5 Royal. I bet you can guess the answer he gave. Now that I think about it, I still haven’t finished Scorn, guess I should get back to that eventually.

I will eventually spoil something from Person 5 Royal, Persona 4 Golden, and/or Persona 3 Portable, but for now I am just going to talk gameplay. Don’t worry, I will warn you before the spoilers begin in earnest. So, what is the main gameplay loop of the series, and why is it so intriguing?. In actuality there are two gameplay loops that work together: The first is a social sim, in which you, as the main character, experience life as a high school student. In this part of the game, you have to budget the two time slots you are given every day with various activities available to you. These activities all benefit your character in some way, whether they increase some of your character’s stats or improve your relationship with various other characters in the game. It is also in this part of the game where the majority of the plot happens. The other gameplay loop focuses on the combat within the games. In its simplest form, the combat takes the form of a traditional turn-based system. Your party members all have their own strengths and weaknesses, whereas the player character can change up their equipped ‘Persona” (it’s kind of like a pokémon) to change what they are weak or strong against. When looked at separately, these two gameplay loops may seem rather boring, but when combined they help the flow of the game. By that I mean the two systems compliment each other in a way that prevents the player from getting bored of one system by providing incentives to switch between the two.

The biggest downside to these games, at least in my opinion, is how long they are. For the third and fourth games, my playthroughs lasted about sixty hours. The fifth game is even lon-

ger, as my playthrough ended up being a few hours short of one hundred and ten hours. While I know these games are RPGs, it is definitely a long time commitment if you are unsure about playing them in the first place. I know I was certainly hesitant, and the main reason I even committed to trying Persona 5 Royal was that I wasn’t buying the game outright. While I can now say in hindsight that these games are well-worth the price of admission, I would still recommend finding a way to try at least one of them out before purchasing. While all the games are on Xbox Game Pass, the third and fourth games are available on emulators which are completely free.

Ok, I am actually going to start talking about the plots of the games and while I can’t possibly spoil every detail in three sixty plus hour games in about one thousand words, I will probably end up spoiling something important. So, if any of these games have piqued your interest enough to at least try them, I recommend putting down this article and just go play them for yourself. My opinions don’t matter, I

“When looked at separately, these two gameplay loops may seem rather boring, but when combined they help the flow of the game.”

am just ranting to those who don’t care or those who actually find my writing interesting for some reason. This was your final warning.

Persona 5 Royal follows the story of Joker, a high schooler who was expelled. This detail is subtly hinted at throughout the game, and in no way is it blatantly told to you repeatedly. You, as the main character, awaken to a power known as ‘Persona’, which lets you summon and capture various monsters and demons to fight other

monsters and demons. As the game progresses you and your friends take down people whom you deem corrupt. Eventually, your group uncovers a conspiracy to take over the government of Japan using the very same power your group has been using. Shenanigans ensue, and your group is blamed for the various problems that have been plaguing Japan. After defeating what could have been the final boss, the game continues as it wouldn’t be anime enough unless you fought an incarnation of a gnostic God. What I just described is a very basic overview of the original release of Persona 5, and while I may have made it sound rather cliche it does a good job of keeping the player engaged in the story. They did kind of jump the shark by making you fight God at the end, but by that point in the game you are long past the point of just dropping the game. Now, in my opinion the more interesting part of the story comes in the content added in the Royal addition of the game. After defeating God, your group of friends feels like they are finally able to celebrate (for context’s sake the final boss of the original game is defeated on Christmas Eve). Things seem to be fine for the rest of the year, however on New Year’s day strange events start occurring. Characters who were previously dead are seemingly alive again, and some events that had happened either prior to or during the game seem to have no longer happened. This

is eventually revealed to be the work of your former school counselor, who took advantage of the powers in the game to change the cognition of everyone in reality so that they can lead happier lives. This change in cognition also changed reality, thus the formerly dead characters being alive. The reason this content is more intriguing to me is because it actually provides a villain with a motivation that is not only understandable but also somewhat commendable. The rest of the game plays out with you having to decide to either accept this character’s new reality provided to you or to fight back against them and continue along your own path.

Of the three games in the series that I have played, Persona 4 Golden had the plot that kept me the most engaged throughout the entire game. In this game, the main character transfers to school in the countryside so he can live with his uncle and cousin for a year. Almost immediately after arriving, a series of murders start taking place in town which inevitably leads to the main character and his newfound friends attempting to solve the mystery. I’ll be honest, I don’t know

why I was super engaged, because the pacing of clues is rather slowly dripfed to you, but for whatever reason, I wanted to find out who the real killer was. After two separate fake-outs, the real killer is finally revealed and you fight and defeat them. At this point, you may feel like you are satisfied. If you aren’t, and you still want to know how you got your powers you can continue searching for more clues. This leads to another fight, where you get to fight God yet again. Can you guess what the final boss of Persona 3 is yet? To be honest, there is not as much to talk about for this game as the real key aspect is whether you like a murder mystery.

Persona 3 Portable was interesting to me, as initially it was easily my least favorite game when it came to its plot. The story revolved around defeating various monsters (known as shadows in all three games) as they appeared on full moons. The sub plot to that involved how these shadows came to exist in the world. For a while I thought the game was going to just be a generic plot about coming together and defeating the evil corporation. Then one of your friends is just killed. This drastic tonal shift comes about two thirds of the way into the game and it caught me completely off guard. This new darkness became ever more present as the game continues on, and frankly it transformed Persona 3 from probably my least favorite plot to arguably my favorite plot of the three games I’ve played. I am not going to get any more specific on this game’s ending because I honestly think experiencing it yourself is far superior than anything I could possibly write. Or just go watch some YouTuber talk about it, it’s up to you.

I always seem to have trouble thinking of ways to conclude my essays/articles/rants. So if there is anything you should take away from this specific rant, it’s that don’t let your preconceived notions of a genre or style stop you from experiencing new things. The worst thing that could happen is you realize you truly just don’t like something, and there is nothing wrong with that.

“This detail is subtly hinted at throughout the game, and in no way is it blatantly told to you repeatedly.”

The Ultimate Fictional Bear Ranking

Welive in an age of infinite possibilities. Often, those possibilities involve the creation of a fictional world, and in this world, a bear. It can prove impossible to create rankings of a genre so wide and encompassing (the fictional bear genre), but in my resolve to lasso the most daunting of challenges, I have since birthed from my thought canal a list. A list to destroy all other lists. A list so listlessly list-like it embodies reductionist thought to a mere-metal framework—infinitely simple yet beautifully complex—for me to place my favorite and least favorite fictional bears into. In my research, the pool of existing fictional bears was more like an ocean—so deep and vast that it was less of a search and more like a memory of a near-drowning experience. I must apologize in advance: I chose to omit most bears for this reason, and your favorite (or most despised) bear may not have even been an inkling dancing in my mind. Because of this, many will disregard my research with an elitist air to which I say: Go stick it up your butt. I have scientifically formulated the top 5 best and top 5 worst bears with math and your feelings and opinions are therefore a moot point. Without further ado, bear with me here, and let’s delve into the ranking of the century. —no, of the history of time.

The bad bear list:

5. Freddy Fazbear

The titular antagonist of the Five Nights at Freddy’s Universe, Freddy Fazbear killed me multiple times by mistaking me for a metal endoskeleton without its costume on and consequently forcibly stuffed me into a spare Freddy suit. This is why I hate him and he is now on my bad bear list.

Oh, bother indeed! Now, you may be thinking, “Madeline, how does such a loveable, unproblematic bear wind up on your bad side?” It’s simple: I resent him for his simple life and wish I too could respond to the most harrowing scenarios with nothing more than a basic expletive. I also wish I had the confidence to rock a statement crop top. That’s not to mention the fact that Disney Adults, one large group of my sworn mortal enemies, have latched on to all things “Pooh Bear” tighter than an infant rhesus monkey does to a cloth mother. This is most likely a coping mechanism for the fact that these full-grown adults will continue to age, even if they can’t shut up about how they’re “still a kid at heart.” Please stop getting engaged in front of the Cinderella Castle. You are on my very long hit list. Also—his name is literally poo.

By Madeline Perez

gle bear, but more a bear lifestyle, pervasive across several mediums (3D and 2D animation) and species (Blue, red, orange, and brown bears alike) but all resulting in the same fucked-up commercial message: I love wiping my ass. There is nothing more to life than that invigorating, clean, shitless feeling. I wish I could constantly poop solely to wipe again and get one iota of that sense so pleasurable it borders on darkly sexual. These bears are sick fetishists and the worst part is they have indoctrinated their dorky bear-children into this revolting scatological cult. They need to be obliterated.

Holy shit. Words cannot describe how much I hate this bear. Known for his role in the 2012 R-rated dumpster-fire that is “Ted” (starring Mark Wahlberg and Mila Kunis), he showed me that life isn’t such a sunshiney, happy place it’s made out to be in childhood. No—this world is a place where “Ted” was allowed to happen, disproving the theories of “humanity is inherently good” and “God” alike. Checkmate, theists.

You’ve gotta be kidding me. This one is not so much a sin-

I cannot tell you how many times I’ve sat down watching some acid trip Muppet Show episode from 1977 when suddenly this dirty fat fuck comes on screen and ruins my week. Casuals who think they’re so quirky for knowing the Rainbow Connection from a movie or two have no idea about the sacrifices one must make to be a true Muppet fan, and one of these sacrifices is your sanity as original series Fozzie takes a shit on it. There has never been a character so annoying, so terribly unfunny, that makes me gouge my eyes out and attempt to use the remnants to plug my ears. Like, I get it—the joke is that as the comedian, it’s ironic that he is the least funny character. They didn’t have to go this far. Fozzie is the reason this article

4. Winnie the Pooh

3. The Charmin Bears

2. Ted

1. Fozzie

was written. Fozzie haunts my everyday life. Fozzie is always in the corner of my eye, taunting me, eternally. Fozzie stands over me while I sleep, telling the same terrible jokes that make the two old guy hecklers commit ritualistic suicide every episode. Fozzie is everything I hate about the world. Fozzie is everything I hate about myself. Fozzie is the prostitute that broke my parent’s marriage. Fozzie is my dance teacher telling me I’m ‘too big’ to play the White Swan. Fozzie is when there’s not enough money in my bank account. Fozzie is ugly crying in the bathroom, not being able to look in the mirror because the boy who said he loved me decided he loved my sister more. Fozzie is war. Fozzie is 9/11. There is one thing that Fozzie is not, and that is a comedian.

Thus concludes the worst bears ranking. Now, let’s consider the best bears.

5. Gummibär

My life was forever changed in 2007. While most of the nation was struggling through the financial crash, I was exposed to a funny green dude with a 5 o’clock shadow and yellow underpants. He sang the Gummy Bear song.

Oh, I’m a Gummy Bear. Yes, I’m a Gummy Bear! Oh, I’m a Yummy, Chummy, Funny, Lucky Gummy Bear.

For his amazingly positive impact on my life, Gummibär goes on the good bear list. I WILL look for the Gummy Bear album in stores on November 13th!

We stan an environmentalist king. Something about him tells me he knows the ins and outs of wilderness survival as well as female anatomy. Plus, have you seen his outfit? It’s probably easy to extinguish fires when you’re so dripped up. I love “Only you can prevent forest fires”—he’s talking directly to me!!!

Brother Bear is a heartwarming 2003 American animated musical fantasy comedy-drama film that teaches forgiveness. I

simply like it. Kenai goes through some certified character development, which is just great for him, and I enjoy when aurora borealis is a plot point. He’s voiced by Joaquin Phoenix, who does a phenomenal job, the animation is on point, and it really paved the way for the forest-trek-journey trope where the annoying one knows the way. At least there was a grace period before Sony Pictures Animation pooted out Open Season.

Skadoosh indeed! Po is a hilarious relatable bear who initially struggles with self-doubt, yet grows to embrace his role and be confident as himself because everyone else is already taken. Brilliant! Po taught me so many things such as: determination, resilience, self-confidence, humility, clowning, love, responsibility, and kung fu. He was the spearhead of the fat-acceptance movement. God save the Dragon Warrior.

1. Sleepytime Bear

Oh lord, what is this nighttime bliss? Am I dreaming? This is no dream, merely a box of Celestial Seasoning’s Sleepytime herbal tea. Robust illustrations portray an evening scene wherein lies a cozy bear in what I presume are his pajamas. Near the hearth of a gently blazing fire and tea by his side, Sleepytime Bear dozes with a calm so complete I fear he may be dead. He is the best bear, and may very well be the only bear in my eyes; He embodies all I love about the world, and the comfort I one day wish to achieve. When I first laid eyes on this fantastic bear, the rest of the world dissipated away like honey in a cup of warm, narcotizing herbal tea. The meaning of life suddenly became as clear as day: drink tea and fall asleep. I’d like to thank Sleepytime Bear for all he’s done for me. Thank you, bear. Sleep tight.

And thank YOU to everyone who got to the end of this list! While you may be sad that it’s over, I have some honorable mentions for bears that it broke my heart to not include in the good bear list. A big shout out to Corduroy for teaching me that I’m lovable even if I’m missing a few buttons. To Baloo for teaching me child endangerment is funny. And finally to Yogi for that Baby Got Back scene in his 2010 animated movie.

Of course, some bad bears who didn’t make the cut because I still love them include Vincent (Over the Hedge) for the way he says “Moon’s full, RJ. See ya in the morning,” and Kumajiro, a pet polar bear owned by the personification of Canada, for his general existence in Hetalia. Hetalia fans are shitting yourselves right now, aren’t you?

4. Smokey Bear

3. Brother Bear (Kenai)

2. Kung Fu Panda (Po Ping)

A Proposal for Direct Democracy

By Siddharth Gundapaneni

Ingrade school we were taught that democracy is a system whereby constituents of a nation are able to voice their opinions, and have a say in their nation’s affairs. This idea first began with a direct democracy. We were then taught that the United States, and many other developed nations, use a representative democracy because most adults do not have time to vote on every policy everyday. Thus, we elect people who think similarly to us in order to vote for policies we would likely support.

Following the 2016 and 2020 elections, there were calls across the aisle to abolish the electoral college. Further, Congress’ approval rating has not reached 50% since 2003, and fell as low as 9% in 2013. Policy-specific bills are few and far between, and we now see massive omnibus spending plans with tons of policies, so that more special interest pandering can be hidden in between. Few aspects in politics are clearer than how corrupt Congress is. So how well are we being represented?

Direct democracy as we know it is implausible, since each of us have better things to be doing throughout the day than voting. This is what economists call “comparative advantage.” Societal growth would stagnate were we all to quit our jobs and vote on every policy. So clearly that won’t work. But what if we privatized Congress?

We start with a system of direct democracy, where every citizen has the ability to vote on every given policy, with one augmentation: constituents are able to buy, sell, and trade votes. This will lead to a market for voting, and private representatives to arise, since most people would not have the time to vote for every policy. Voters would be able to hire someone to represent them, having new found access to the money that was originally going to pay their Congressman and Senator, and “give away” your votes to them. Of course, those with the time are also able to do the voting themselves. Perhaps deals can even be made

with your private rep to allow you to vote on certain policies, and for them to vote for the rest. The market allows endless possibilities.

The foremost benefit to such a system is far greater control of your representative. If your congressman votes for something you disapprove of in the status-quo system, you must wait however many years till their re-election in order to elect a new rep. With a privatized system, your representative would act similarly to a lawyer, where unless your contract specifically states otherwise, you are able to hire someone else if you’re displeased with their work. This forces your representative’s voting to be in line with what you believe.

Now where this really gets interesting is the vote-trading aspect. One big issue with today’s Congress is that they are often out-of-touch with voters’ priorities. When you vote for a politician, you’re voting for everything they support, whether you support those things or not. With how inaccurate/inconsistent public policy polling can be, politicians have little signal to know whether they were voted because of a policy, or in spite of it. This leads to further misalignment with voters’ and politicians’ desires. One possible solution is a system of vote-trading, also known as logrolling, which was popularized by Nobel Prize winning economist James Buchanan and his co-author Gordon Tullock in their 1962 classic The Calculus of Consent.

Buchanan and Tullock understood very well the issues plaguing American democracy. Their work on logrolling served as inspiration for much of the rest of this piece. They proposed a system of vote trading to allow constituents to trade away votes on issues they don’t care about, in exchange for more votes on issues they do care about. While this has taken place unofficially in most democratic systems, such a system would function much better if made into a legalized practice. Currently, if three people

slightly support a given policy X, and two people who are directly affected by policy X strongly disagree, there’s a good chance policy X will still pass. A system of logrolling allows those in opposition to policy X to garner more votes in their favor, in exchange for giving up their votes on some issue they care less about.

Furthermore, logrolling would get rid of the idea of “strategic voting,” where constituents vote for something they originally may not have, in order to coordinate their votes to prevent something like a third party candidate winning. People should not have to vote for something that they do not support, if that’s the case I view that as a flaw in the system.

Critics of these ideas may assert that corporations will buy thousands of votes on pressing issues, and may exploit workers or even citizens atlarge. I find this hard to square with reality. People would never be forced to sell their vote. The only scenario someone would trade their vote is if it were to benefit them, or if they make a poor judgment, in which case the corporation would not be to blame. While corporations/wealthy individuals may offer cash for votes, I must reiterate that no voter has to make such a deal unless they value the cash more than they do the issue at hand, in which case who are we to question the individual’s personal choice?

I believe the status-quo system does not adequately represent constituents, and reform is needed. While ideally further decentralization is used to improve the representativeness of politics, that is not always palatable for many. The ideas expressed in this piece were essentially the equivalent of “shower thoughts” and are not meant to be a be-all end-all solution. I encourage readers to weigh the benefits and shortcomings of such a proposal, and consider how they can be improved upon in the system we have today. Any and all criticisms are welcome!

To Kill a Community

By Dillon O’Toole

Isn’t the modern world fantastic? All of the technology available today has brought everyone the ability to be closer to so many more people. Now, even if you have a niche hobby or interest, you can always find like minded others, whereas in the past you may have been lucky if you knew one person who shared that interest. Looking at me, I knew of almost no one outside of my family who actually watched NASCAR. Instead, I have had enough insults thrown my way because of my interest in cars turning left that I’m actually amazed when I hear something original. As such, the access I have to online communities must be a good thing right? I mean, these people also love the things I do so there should be minimum levels of negativity.

If you couldn’t tell because it’s in the form of text, the last two lines of my introduction paragraph should be read with as much sarcasm as you are capable of reading with. While the internet may have brought the world closer together, it most certainly hasn’t been the most positive of places. At least in my experience, when groups of fans gather in one place on the internet, the amount of negativity that spirals from those groups can at times feel very overwhelming. This is not unique to just one of my interests. It seems like every time I try to check up online about something I deem interesting, there are always as many negative comments as there are positive. While you may be thinking, “a 50/50 split isn’t that bad,” remember that it is very easy to focus on only the negativity in a community as that often comes across as more impactful.

Before I get much farther, I want to point out that I’m not talking about people who make constructive criticism. I often find that constructive criticism online actually leads to some good conversations. What I am talking about are the people whose whole internet personality seems to revolve around doom posting about whatever they claim to be interested

in. To use an example that for once isn’t NASCAR, imagine your favorite band or artist. Now, if you frequent any sort of fan community of this band or artist, you have likely seen a post similar to this before: “This band is dead, their old music was way better.” If you somehow haven’t been exposed to these people, I envy you. These types of people aren’t exclusive to fandoms of musicians, as their catchphrase can easily be changed to fit the needs of any online community. Even worse, they are always present, unless of course the online community in question is just one big echo chamber that only allows unrequited love for our lord and savior Baxter Bearcat. So, why do these doomers lurk in online communities if they hate the community they are participating in? An easy answer is that they are trolls looking to stir up trouble and attention. I mean it is the internet after all—people are constantly trying to get attention. But, as far as I can tell, trolls don’t make up the full population of these doomers. While trolls are certainly ever present, I find it hard to believe that they are the sole spreaders of misery across the entire internet. Instead, I think these doomers do—or at least did in the past—care about whatever community they are involved with. It does make sense; it can sometimes be very hard to let go of something that you once loved even if all the signs point to you not actually getting en-

joyment from it anymore. To actually give a NASCAR example now (sorry I can’t help myself), a lot of the constant doom-posters on social media tend to be fans who are unhappy with various aspects of the sport today. To generalize their views, NASCAR was only good when Dale Sr. was racing and any and all decisions made by the sanctioning body ever since then have been the worst decisions ever. Now, I’m not saying NASCAR is perfect or has made only good decisions over the last 22 years, but the way this very generalized group of people talk about the sport, you would think that NASCAR was dead and that only 10 people even care about it in the first place.

You may be asking, “Dillon, what the hell was the purpose behind writing this article, you’ve said nothing.” I would actually agree. I haven’t really said anything new or insightful yet. Really, I just wanted to talk about how negativity seems to permeate online communities because I have noticed that it has affected my enjoyment of various things in recent years. I think being aware that this doomer mental-

“It does make sense; it can sometimes be very hard to let go of something that you once loved even if all the signs point to you not actually getting enjoyment from it anymore.”

ity exists serves as a reminder that it’s ok to step away from social media for a time. Don’t let the internet sap your love of something just because some members of an online community can only spread hatred. In general, it’s probably just a good idea to step away from social media every once in a while. I know I’ve been happier since I started taking a break from Instagram and I didn’t even use it that much in the first place.

Magic Words

By Arthur O’Sullivan

Gee golly, thinking sure is hard! There’s just too much to deal with: finding the right words, balancing reason and critique, entertaining the possibility that I could be wrong… my room-temperature IQ just can’t handle it! (I can’t even think about what I had for breakfast.) You know what isn’t hard, though? Masturbation. It’s so simple, a monkey could do it! All you need to do is get in the mood, make sure you’re alone, find some appropriate Five Nights at Freddy’s pornography in your secret magazine stash (try BU Free Press), and before you know it, you’ve splattered your Faz-goo all over the unfeeling, uncaring visage of Chica the Chicken. As easy as doing all that is, though, thinking about explaining this sin in confession to Father Gene from Angola on Saturday at 4 p.m. is a little harder. Man, if only there were some way to combine thinking and masturbation. It would make the hard thing so much easier… Oh wait, that already exists, and it’s called intellectual masturbation.

Indeed, like all other kinds thereof, everybody is guilty of intellectual masturbation. When your train of thought leads you again and again, with increasingly fancy verbiage, to the ineluctable conclusion that you, yourself are right—to the exclusion of all others—and that things that seem complicated in reality are in fact very simple, if only you had your way… Well my friend, take out some brain tissues, because you’re intellectually masturbating.

(One might argue that Binghamton Review is a magazine entirely built for intellectual masturbation, given that WE DO IT FOR FREE, to which I say… shut up.)

Grasping the full length of intellectual masturbation in our society is far beyond the scope of this article. Instead, I want to focus on one aspect of l’masturbation intellectuelle that really grinds my gears: in order to understand this thing that occasionally passes for thought, we must make reference to the Harry Potter books (which occasionally pass for literature). Specifically, we must understand the phenomenon of Magic Words.

Indeed, “Magic Words” are the slick vaseline of intellectual masturbation; they make a simple process all the more easy, and all the more obnoxious to those in range to hear it. Yet far from your typical “Expelliarmus,” “Avada Kedavra,” and “Chlamydia,” the Magic Words of which I write look like English, at least at first glance. But don’t be deceived: these words are impostors that derail all thought and conversation eventually, and it’s up to us to suss them out. In the following sections, I will describe the various types of Magic Words I’ve encountered in contemporary politics (this used to be a politics magazine, after all), and which types of people are drawn to them. The definitions of these “types” are hardly rigorous: many of these “Magic Words” may fall under multiple categories, or shift over time. Likewise, no group of people is safe from this analysis: leftists, libertarians, “dissident-right” weirdos, Democrats, and even my own beloved Republicans will be raked over the coals for their sins against the English language. It is my hope that this article will serve as a guide to detecting Magic Words in your

own life, whether used by you, me, or another, and how to get unreasonably annoyed by them, just like me.

The Incomprehensibles

Have you ever listened to an internet-educated leftist talk about politics and philosophy? What about a catholic or eastern orthodox traditionalist talking about theology? Has anyone ever cited “Carl Schmitt” to you in an argument over Discord? (Have you ever been on Discord?) Most importantly, are you a normal person?

If indeed you are normal, and your answer to any of the other questions is yes, you would more than likely find yourself scratching your head thinking of the “Jesse what the hell are you talking about?” meme, as the other guy spooges a torrent of inane political babble at you. When this happens, the speaker is using Magic Words—often derived from Latin, Greek, the Matrix, or video games—whose definition is known only to himself and his “enlightened” peers; and unless you’ve had any prior exposure to these words before, the sentences themselves are next-to-meaningless.

Confused? I know. Some examples might make this more clear:

There is, of course, internet slang: Magic Words used by many different groups on the web, generally irrespective of that group’s beliefs. The only condition for using these terms is a terminal addiction to the internet, and severe lack of contact with the human-sunlight-grass trifecta.* (*This is a Magic Word of my own creation.) The less-fortunate among you may recognize terms such as “based,” “incel,” “_______-pilled,” “chad,” “chud,” “soyjak,” “sneed,” “________-maxxer” (etc.—it really never ends). If you don’t recognize these terms, imagine if somebody inserted verbs between them, then presented every word to you as if it were a complete sentence. It’s incomprehensible, right? Hence why I call Magic Words like these, “The Incomprehensibles.” Anyone who tries to use these “words” to express sincere thoughts must be shot. Still, instances like

Figure 1: “Jesse what the hell are you talking about?” Walter White expresses confusion over Jesse’s incomprehensible logorrhea.

that are relatively rare, and generally harmless besides minor annoyance. There is, however, a much more common strain of “MagicWordicus incomprehensiblus,” and far more pernicious to any conversation.

Remember the examples I gave in the first paragraph: the leftist, the catholic/orthodox traditionalists, and the “Carl Schmitt” Discord guy? You might notice that in addition to the common internet slang they use above, they likewise use Magic Words exclusive to their own group’s beliefs.

A prime example of this was one of the inspirations for this article: B.U. Pipe Dream’s column “We must fight back against the U.S.’ capitalism-fueled biopower” by Sean Reichbach illustrates a leftist fascination with fancy terms with murky definitions, a perfect specimen for Incomprehensible Magic Words. I encourage you to find and read this article, replete with smart-sounding words like “biopower” (helpfully defined as “‘living-dead’ citizenship”), “ideological state apparatus,” “biopolitical theory,” “patriotization,” “de facto and de jure living status,” and “superstructure.” An article like this is a perfect—and accidental—glimpse into the magic language used by leftists, its ideological frame supplied by the postmodernism of Foucault, or the structural Marxism of Althusser. Within this frame, these Magic Words carry strong—if poorly defined—meaning. Outside this frame, these terms are near-meaningless, making fruitful discussion outside an echo chamber near-impossible.

Incomprehensible Magic Words like these are hardly exclusive to leftists, but in my experience, they are the most guilty of using these in arguments. This is especially true of academic leftists from the 60s and 70s, though their Magic Word tactics have changed in recent years (see “Huh?”s). Maybe the other groups I’ve listed—catholic/orthodox traditionalists and weird “neocameralist, neoreactionary, counter-cathedral Carl Schmitt” enthusiasts on Discord—are worse, but I was too busy talking to girls to care. Furthermore, we’ve got other, more important types of Magic Words, and I’m running out of space.

The “Huh?”s

Exactly what it sounds like; no fancy acronym here. These are words that make you go, “Huh?” They are different from the Incomprehensibles in that the word itself is normal English, but it’s used in such a way that it stupefies the listener. This could be taking a noun and turning it into a verb, like the millennial linguistic-war-crime that is “adulting.” It could also be taking a normal word and using a bizarre definition built on ideological assumptions (see Equivocation and Motte and Bailey tactics), like secretly defining “good” as “everything I agree with.” These can be spotted by listening closely to your opponent, and asking for definitions of their most-used terms. The results may be surprising.

I hate to beat up on leftists again (I don’t), but Ibram X. Kendi’s “definition” of racism—a core concept of his work and activism—as being “a collection of racist policies that lead to racist inequities, substantiated by racist ideas,” brilliantly displays the Magic at work in the word “racist.” This word, being defined in such a circular way, can serve any purpose for

its user. One can extend this logic to a number of left-wing buzzwords: capitalism, socialism, oppression, deconstruction, neoliberalism—and who could forget diversity, equity, and inclusion! Sure these words may look like their typical English counterparts, but they feel undeniably different in a sentence like, “Our office of Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion is dedicated to deconstructing the oppressive and racist assumptions of neoliberal capitalism.” For the uninitiated, the only real response to a sentence like this is, “Huh?”

I keep ragging on leftists in this article, but they’re certainly not the only ones who make me go “Huh?” in political talks. Libertarians—specifically an anarcho-capitalist who is most definitely reading this article—have just as many Magic Words. Tell me, dear reader, have you ever lawfully homesteaded scarce means, but you were then subject to aggression by a so-called “government”? According to the a priori axioms of anarcho-capitalism, you have! So has every adult in this country! Just as “adulting” is performing the actions typical of adults, “homesteading” is defined as mixing one’s labor by your means with unclaimed property (a type of “scarce means,” that is, anything that is scarce), thereby making it your property. But aggression is—by anarcho-capitalist definition—unconsented use of one’s property, such as taxation. Thus, the American government is illegitimate. “Huh?” “Duh!”

Instead of serving as building blocks for thinking about issues, leftist and libertarian buzzwords like these pressuppose the answer (begging the question, in philosophical terms), which coincidentally says that they’re right… It’s Magic!

Reflection and Conclusion

This article has been attacking the radical peripheries of modern American politics, specifically the ideologies held by those more addicted to their “theories” than reality. Conspicuously absent, however, are the more conventional strains of political belief: Where are the Democrats and Republicans in this theory? Where am I?! Are the two parties and myself really sinless in the Magic Words department? Of course not! (Well, I am ontologically sinless—but don’t tell anyone.) I had even intended to write about “Magic Words” unique to Democrats and Republicans, but I wasn’t happy with compressing it into just one section. Thus, like my favorite Game Theories, I must make this a two-parter. Just know that the sequel, though shorter, will pack a greater punch!

One more thing, in taxonomizing these “Magic Words,” I run a slight risk of creating more of them from the nomenclature itself. So for goodness’ sake, remember that this theory has more holes in it than a person with a gene that causes them to be born with a lot of holes. Please don’t go into arguments saying “akscshually, that’s an ‘Incomprehensible.’” or “Huh?” like you’re Ryan Gosling at the supermarket checkout. Just accuse your opponent of being a pedophile like a healthy person would.

I’m out of space so I’ll make it snappy: Don’t confuse semantic obsession with real thinking! Speak plainly and define your terms! And remember, the only “magic word” you should regularly use is “please”!

The S.A. Election Autopsy

By Logan Blakeslee

Running for a position on the S.A. E-Board can sometimes feel like Don Quixote charging at a windmill. Without the necessary social capital, it’s a task that is very easy to miscomprehend, and failure is nothing short of spectacular. I begin this article with the concession that I was not the victor in either the 2021-2022 or 2023-2024 S.A. presidential elections, and the temporary sting of defeat has given way to reflection on my campaign and the conduct of the election itself. May this article serve as a guide, or perhaps a warning, to future conservative students who wish to fulfill my quixotic quest to run for student government.

To give some background on the situation, it has been nearly a decade since conservative or libertarian students at Binghamton University had any major impact on the Student Association. This was during the time when campus elections were held in-person, and in that strange, forgotten era, S.A. President Dillon Schade was the last prominent figure (as far as I can tell) to carry substantial conservative support and win the presidency. His ensuing resignation over racial insensitivity likely crashed the joint caucus of libertarians and conservatives in Student Congress, bringing a sorry end to right-wing governance on campus.

I would also like to briefly highlight former S.A. Vice President of Finance, Adam Shamah, who was the chief editor for the Binghamton Review and beneficiary of the Leadership Institute’s training for campus elections. Mark Soriano, a former S.A. President, and Aaron Ricks, former Vice President of Academic Affairs, were also closely associated with the Binghamton Review and College Republicans many years ago. Yet another former Vice President of Finance, Karl Bernhardsen, later held office as a Broome County legislator as a Republican. In modern times, however, liberals and progressives have utterly dominated the Student Association. Despite all this, I urge readers not to

lose hope.

In making the decision to run for president, I was already putting myself on the line as a conservative individual. I had made enemies in Student Congress who did not enjoy my open defense of the Review or free speech in general. My opposition to the “Abolish Greek Life” movement on campus certainly did not attract favor from Pipe Dream. Furthermore, my platform was entirely focused on the college administration and campus services, which made it more difficult to address matters that were important to multicultural organizations. Each of these hurdles must be overcome in order to succeed in future elections.

My first major piece of advice to potential candidates is that early preparation is essential. Run for community councils or S.A. Congress if you are a freshman or sophomore, build a network of non-political (and a few political) clubs and organizations to connect with, and never stop moving up the ranks. It’s safer to become a president if you’ve already been a vice president, so aim for that as quickly as possible. Name recognition is highly valuable, so don’t be shy in attending events that may or may not cater to your interests. Other students will appreciate the gesture if you show respect.

A second helpful tip would be to get outside assistance quickly, preferably before the election cycle formally begins. I highly recommend either taking a Leadership Institute Campus Election Workshop or getting in touch with the Campus Victory Project. These programs exist to train conservative students how to run for office at their universities, and have a tremendous record of success. The sooner you make use of these resources, the better. In some instances, these programs can also provide campaign funding or visuals like posters or palm cards.

My third piece of advice is to prepare for incompetence from within the Student Association. Gather as many

politically-minded friends as possible to run for office alongside you, as they will be your network for gathering information and supporters, and they might also shield you from biased S.A. officials. Such officials are, sadly, legion. To my surprise and disappointment, there is ample evidence that the Elections Committee had little interest in running a fair election for the 20232024 cycle:

The cycle operated as it normally would up until the night of March 7, 2023, when the scheduled candidate debate was suddenly moved from Lecture Hall 9 to Old Union Hall. The announcement for this was made just a few hours before the debate began, causing confusion among many attendees. The reason for this change was never provided—at least not to the public. This would have been forgivable if it were not the first of many bad decisions to follow.

An important part of S.A. candi-

date debates is the chance for general attendees to join with their fellow community members to make endorsements. This has been standard practice for virtually every student election at Binghamton University. However, students were not informed of this tradition at the most recent debate and no communication was made to attendees except for some community council leaders and members of S.A. Congress. Seeing as most students

left the debate by the time it ended (midnight), this heavily restricted the total number of people who were eligible to participate in the endorsement process.

Even worse, the Elections Committee gave community council leaders less than 24 hours to make endorsements, in a severe break in historical precedent. As a result of this, and the fact that endorsements were due at 8AM on March 9, multiple campus communities had no chance of reaching a final decision. Susquehanna, Hinman, Hillside, and Mountainview therefore did not make any endorsements for S.A. president, while the down-ballot races showed similar exclusion towards campus communities. Elections Committee Chairperson

Christopher Ribarić falsely claimed to give 24 hours notice, and when this was proven to be untrue (only 16.25 hours were given, as testified by one of the Vice Presidents of Hillside), he stated that it was not the committee’s responsibility to inform community council leaders as they “should already know the timeline from the management policies.”

There is no timeline for candidate endorsements anywhere in the S.A. Management Policies, the S.A. Constitution, or in the 2023 Elections Code. The Judicial Board, which is expected to be fluent in all governing documents, somehow believed this false statement in an official hearing despite contrary evidence.

The next concerning moment came during a secretive Internal Affairs meeting on March 15 that was held to discuss a number of other election-related issues. I was not the only candidate who raised complaints to the Judicial Board for alleged misconduct by the Elections Committee, and the foremost of these other complaints was aimed at the spectacle that was the race for B.U. Council Representative. For context, the preliminary results for all other races were called on March 13. The B.U. Council Representative race would not be called until March 29. It should be noted that certification for all races was meant to take place on March 21, yet the Judicial Board ruled that “Operating out-of-line relative to

the timeline of the elections code is not against the rules according to this year’s elections code, the management policies, nor the SA Constitution.” Why bother having rules if they’re merely suggestions?

The official cause for this delay is “difficulties” experienced by the Elections Committee while collaborating with the Graduate Student Organization. The truth is that a few students pointed out the frightening possibility that the votes were miscounted. This raised the odds of a new election being called, something that the S.A. was desperate to avoid. During the Internal Affairs meeting, a member of the Elections Committee referred to everyone who raised complaints about their misconduct as “idiots” and “trash.” Another spoke of how president-elect Elisheva Ezor “deserved to win.” Compounding this, S.A. Vice President of Finance Daniel Croce made the same ethical mistake that David Hatami once did. Namely, he made an endorsement on Instagram in early March, though the story is now gone, despite already being an E-Board member (thus violating Management Policy IV.13) and previously pledging not to get involved in the presidential race. Croce supported Ezor, indicating that if you have the right people on your side, the rules don’t matter.

Speaking of finance, I would like to take the time to make a handful of corrections from my last Binghamton Review article. According to Daniel Croce, in a meeting I had with him shortly before the election, the Student Activity Fee has not been increased since 2014-2015. It is still mandatory and may be increased in the future. Additionally, Croce insisted that the S.A. effectively spends every dollar it raises, but was unwilling to offer proof of this under the guise of privacy and regulatory policy. My claim

that hundreds of thousands of dollars went unspent seems to be true around the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic. Whistleblowers on the Finance Committee, however, informed me that the S.A. still wastes thousands of dollars annually by deliberately limiting club budgets and expenditures.

I ran for office because the S.A. is a social clique that cares moreso for power than good governance. Clubs and organizations depend on it for budgets and charters, but little else. I saw potential in it for real advocacy, and it is regrettable that that change will have to wait. For the hopeful student who reads this with political ambitions of their own, do not be discouraged. Remember the history of those who came before you and think of any new directions you can take to achieve victory.

On a separate note, I recommend bringing back paper ballots and in-person voting, a feature which has not existed on campus since 2016 (the poster advertising it in the Classroom Wing has never been removed). Two-factor authentication has proven to be a barrier to students who wish to vote, but were unable due to connectivity issues. Perhaps in-person and online voting can be done simultaneously, as challenging as that might be, but higher turnout is worth it.

I would also like to say that Elisheva Ezor herself is a wonderful person, and she campaigned to the best of her ability, which is why she easily outpaced her competitors. I do not think that the Elections Committee’s misdeeds undercut her rightful victory. Likewise, I am very glad that Nora Monasheri was elected B.U. Council Representative, even though the S.A. barely certified her results by a margin of 11-9. A good sense of humor and a strong work ethic goes a long way for improving this campus. Lastly, I thank all my voters from the bottom of my heart for believing in me and my cause. You were willing to break up the status quo.

Writing this article has been almost therapeutic for me, and I hope it was informative for you. I pass my torch to future generations of windmill-chasing politicians.

“Name recognition is highly valuable, so don’t be shy in attending events that may or may not cater to your interests.”