Advice Column

I offered to give you all life advice. These were your questions.

I pick my nose multiple times a day because the boogers dry up on the sides of my nostrils and it’s hard to get them out any other way. I also enjoy it. Now, my right nostril is sore and slightly swollen. I think it’s because I picked it too much. What do I do?

Pick the left one more so it too will be swollen and sore. At least then your nose won’t be imbalanced anymore.

How do you write a good sex scene for your yaoi fanfiction?

Make sure the passion is evident. Describing the actual deed itself is not necessary if you could convey the passions and emotions of the act in a way that moves the reader.

My boyfriend is so cute, cuter than a baby, or even cuter than a cat, how can I cherish him?

Damn, being cuter than a cat is a pretty rare feat. Since he is obviously superior to cats, you should treat him better than you would a cat. Give him only the best treats, make sure he is always fed when he begs for food (even when you are woken up really early), and make sure to give him pets and belly rubs (even if he scratches people who touch his belly). Also, do this in front of other cats to establish his dominance over them.

My professor is so fucking annoying that it’s hard to do any of the reading for his class. How do I manage?

Why do you even bother reading assignments? Just fake it like the rest of us.

How do I style my short haircut and maximize my girltwink potential?

I wish I could help you but I am literally clueless when it comes to hair styling. I’m lucky my hair stays combed on most days.

Where can I fight you?

Anywhere, anytime. Just remember, I am in your walls and I will win.

…Benadryl… where…?

Ah, my plan of microdosing all of your food with Benadryl seems to have worked to perfection.

How do I increase my GPA? It’s currently at 3.7, but I’m gradu- ating in two semesters and I’m scared that employers will judge me for my substandard grades.

Try getting a C or D first and then you can complain about a substandard GPA you elitist Cornell reject.

Got any good stock picks or investments for 2023?

I don’t know why but for some reason I think AOL stock is going to be really popping off next year. Alternatively try looking into Blockbuster.

I’ve got a busy week next week; I’ll be a busy little bee; I’ll be going “bzz bzz bzz” all over campus, making honey and nectar across all the flowers of campus. My question is, how can I be a busy bee without going BZZZzZZzZzzzzzzz all the way to my nectary grave?

Don’t get stepped on by those no good giant humans and you shouldn’t have to commit suicide by stinging anyone. Also, maybe just evolve a defense mechanism that doesn’t also just kill you.

What do I do? I created a time paradox and am stuck in an unending time loop. What do I do? I also have bad memory.

Just develop that amnesia fully and accept your newfound reality that you get to relive the same day over and over. Just imagine all the things you could do and immediately forget about.

How do I get less upset at things out of my control?

Just control your anger silly, I mean why would someone get mad at anything. Just continually repress it deep down inside until one day you snap and commit some horrible crime resulting in you being imprisoned or institutionalized.

Why are blonde are chicks so dumb? I’m courious.

I object to the use of the word ‘chicks’. Baby birds are way more intelligent than Blonde women. Also you must be blonde based on your awful grammar and spelling.

Too many people be swearing these days! Many people are saying this!

Source or you’re a fucking liar.

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