The Middle Seat, Vol. 1
And then God created Junior High So, you’ve got a junior high kid in your midst now, do ya?!
For some of you, you’ve been through this a time or two before, so you know the drill. For others, this is your maiden voyage on the roller coaster ride that is being a junior high parent. I’ve been through it three times myself and am now starting my 29th year at BCS in various capacities (JH admin since 2006). I’ve seen a lot as the parent of three junior highers, a teacher of junior highers (from ’96-’05), and from the aforementioned admin seat. The purpose of this tome is to share some wisdom about what’s to come this year, particularly if this is your first time as a junior high parent. I don’t know everything, but I know enough to be helpful, which is the heart behind not only this, but what will follow throughout the year. This piece is part one of two, with part one focusing on the kid aspect of junior high. Part two will follow soon, focusing on parenting through these years.
A few things about me if we’ve never met: My whole family is deeply connected with BCS. My wife (referred to in perpetuity as “the lovely Mrs. Olson”) is an SAS therapist and has 26 years of BCS experience in various capacities. Our oldest graduated from BCS in 2017, followed by her sister in 2019. Our son is a senior this year, so we’ll be going through the senior year circus one last time. Our oldest daughter had a rough go in her teens years, so if you have a kid who is a square peg in a round hole, I can relate. Daughter #2 was built for school, so she spent her BCS years at the top of just about every pyramid, so if you have a kid who seems to have it all figured out, I get that too. Our son is involved in just about everything at school, so I’m glad I love my job because I’m at school a lot …
A few other details which will show up in my writings this year:
I start sentences with “So …” a lot.
I love music, so you’ll get lots of musical references, song lyrics and insider references throughout the year. I’m always listening to something when I write (currently, Van Halen II), and I often refer to the current song playing as I write, which, if you’re a rock head like me, is great for entertainment but poor for work productivity (current song). My office is something of a rock head man cave, with posters of bands all over (including the ceiling) and there’s typically music playing all day long.
I write the way I talk, so please forgive certain grammatical liberties (I overuse ellipses for example …) or extraneous use of Oxford Commas (which the editor edits out).
The goals of my writings are to inform you about life in the JH as we go along, because kids aren’t always the best source of information. Additionally, to add nearly three decades of experience and perspective to help you as a parent. Parenting can be somewhat isolating, so it’s nice to hear from someone on the inside about how to process what can be a wonderful-yet-bumpy couple of years.
Before we launch into the roller coaster, one piece of perspective. The JH years have some similarities which just about every kid goes through, but since a kid is not a kid is not a kid, there’s no way of predicting how it’ll go. What follows below are many of the common experiences kids have (and thus, parents), and how you might respond (or not respond, which is equally important). Take what follows with a grain of salt, a lot of humor and know you’re not alone.
So … let’s begin.
1.Puberty is real! Kids hate talking about it, but boy … it’s a thing. We’ve all been through it and would agree that once is enough. It absolutely impacts a kid’s ability to navigate the transition to a new way of doing school and relating to others going through the same thing. It’s a chemical curveball that’s just part of the deal but can explain some unpredictable moments from time to time.
This clip wonderfully highlights the pubescent experience in a school setting quite well. It’s from The Wonder Years, and the context is the first concert of an 8th-grade boys’ choir. Spanish subtitles offered free of charge.
2.“I’m sorry … what?!?” If this is your first time as a JH parent, please know that the “Two L’s” often go missing during these years. L number one is logic, and L number two is linearity. The JH brain is all over the place, which makes it hard for our adult brains to connect with it. Part of the problem is due to something called an “Amygdala hijack.” We all experience this, but young teens tend to live there, which can make following instructions, multitasking and just keeping up with whatever is going on around them very challenging and erratic. This video explains this phenomenon quite well.
Remember back to being a JH kid for a moment. A time of high social focus … but often with marginal social skills. High self-focus … coupled with low self-awareness. A need to manage a lot in terms of school responsibilities … but a brain which gets distracted by … well … anything. It’s kind of amazing much gets done honestly. (NOTE: The parents who struggle with this are still watching Van Halen videos on YouTube, so don’t spoil things for them if you’ve read to this point.)
3.“And now … the rest of the story.” This is a phrase that famous radio personality Paul Harvey used to explain the untold side of people and situations (here’s an example). I bring this up because JH kids tend to be fairly spotty in relating information about the day’s events, particularly with challenging social dynamics. They often present a version of things, but often leave out key details (like their role in the whole thing perhaps). I can’t tell you how many times I’ll hear a version of a story, investigate and come away with five versions of the story. Thing is, I only talked to four kids! It’s the same with homework, due dates, conversations, chronology, time frames … you name it. Many of things which happen in JH can defy understanding, at least for a while.
4.“Umm … what happened to my kid!?!” Through elementary school, kids tend to have a penchant for sharing about life and retaining a certain youthful innocence. That doesn’t necessarily go away in junior high, but it can come and go in ways which are confusing and frustrating for parents. Kids will often act worse at home than school, so if your previously sweet kid spits a little venom at home during the JH years, stay the course. When we (school folk) tell you how much we enjoy working with your kiddo, believe us, and take heart. As an 18-year-old, our son is a gem. As an 8th grader in the spring however, I couldn’t get him to 9th grade fast enough (I was his principal and parent simultaneously). To get very specific, 7th graders tend to lean towards the goofy side a bit, as they’re mostly just happy
to be on the team. They’ve got a locker, a schedule, and are not in elementary school anymore. 8th graders, on the other hand, tend to lean towards the ‘too cool for school’ attitude. After all, 7th grade was very last year—like, you know—June. We call it 8th Grade Syndrome, and it can be a character-builder for parents. My son had it, but 9th grade took care of it. Again, not every kid, but if you sense this happening in your kid(s), you can at least be ready(ish).
5.Two versions of me: Continuing with the “extremes” idea, JH kids often exhibit two frustrating characteristics, often within minutes of each other. The first is “I’m cool because I’m the smartest person in the room,” which does battle with “I only have a three-word vocabulary.” If you’ve been through JH parenting before, you know that those three words are “I don’t know.” They can often turn up their nose at your advice (smart as it is), do their own thing, have it whiff, then, upon debrief, muster up a weak “I dunno.” They can also struggle to finish their sentences, so you get a lot of “I just thought …” or “I was just trying to …” and an epic “I just kinda … I dunno … it seemed funny but … .” Shoulder shrugs come standard with these phrases, particularly when words trail off. The thing is, now that they’ve thought about it, they often don’t actually know. “Seemed like a good idea at the time” was probably first uttered by a junior high kid.
6.To the extreme! JH kids live in extremes. Things are either the best … or the worst. Something is completely cool … or lame. It’s either super fun, or incredibly boring (and stupid). Nuance and being 13 don’t often mix, so be prepared for an odd injection of intensity to life for a bit. Just know, when they say “everybody” or “everyone,” they usually are referring to a handful of people. A kid told me something earlier in my career which started with “this happened a long time ago, so you probably won’t remember, but …” When I inquired as to how long ago we’re talking about (I’m thinking years), she says – straight-faced and dead serious – “like … umm … two weeks ago …” (NOTE: I managed to remember back that far, so all was well). At this age, kids often have more feelings than words, so if they struggle to articulate their feelings, it’s normal, so stay the course.
There are more I could add, but those are the big ones. The main thing is to play the long game with your kid(s), as they are growing up in a very noisy culture which is vying for their attention—and allegiance—24 hours a day. This makes parenting more challenging as well, so it’s good that we’re all in this together (half of you are now thinking this).
Speaking of parenting JH kids, Vol. 2 of The Middle Seat will focus on parenting during these years. Look for that in the next week or two.
Thanks for reading, rock on ...
-Mike