REAL MOTHERS
Submitted by A. Wendell Real mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it. Real mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox. Real mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids. Real mothers know that dried Play-Doh doesn’t come out of shag carpets. Real mothers don’t want to know what the vacuum just sucked up. Real mothers sometimes ask, “Why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “Because I love you best.” Real mothers know that a child’s
growth is not measured by height or years or grade. It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom.
FUNNY SIGNS
Submitted by Jan Weeks In a bookstore: The Post-Apocalyptical Fiction section has been moved to Current Affairs. Highway marquee: Who hates speeding tickets? Raise your right foot. Outside a local shop: Shop local—because Amazon won’t sponsor your kids’ baseball team. At a hotel desk: Dogs are welcome in this hotel. We’ve never had a dog that smoked in bed and set fire to the blankets.
We never had a dog that stole our towels and played the TV too loud, or had a noisy fight with his traveling companion. We never had a dog that got drunk and broke up the furniture. So if your dog can vouch for you, you’re welcome, too. Outside a synagogue in Toronto: Adam & Eve: First ones to ignore Apple Terms & Conditions. On a classroom chalkboard: Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your x. She’s never coming back, and don’t ask y. Inside a zoo: Those who throw objects/stones at the crocodile/snakes will be asked to retrieve them.
real value. Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain: very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty. Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece: gently aging but still a warm and desirable place to visit. Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain: with a glorious and all conquering past. Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel: has been through war, doesn’t make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business. Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada: self-preserving, but open to meeting new people.
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
After 70, she becomes Tibet: wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages, an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge.
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe: well developed and open to trade, especially for someone of
GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Submitted by Hap Jordan Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, fertile and naturally beautiful.
Between 1 and 90, a man is like Iran: ruled by nuts.
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