Volume 27 Winter 2019
adoption FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community
you’re not alone post-adoption depression
Introducing Anne Tower
Adoptees & suicide risk
Sweet solutions
Instant Family movie review
A Q&A with AFABC’s new executive director
Thinking about the unthinkable
Surprising parenting tools you need to try today
Why it’s the must-see film about adoption
News & information 2 Editor’s letter 3 News & notes 24 BC goes green for adoption awareness
On our cover Eight-year-old Brianna’s and Brandon’s beautiful smiles light up our winter issue! Photo credit: Ali Venema.
Holiday joy! A how-to guide, page 8
In focus 5 Meet Anne Tower 6 Sweet solutions for hard behaviours 8 Holiday joy! A how-to guide 10 Celebrations 12 Raising Lucan 14 Post-adoption depression 17 Anxiety 18 Hope and healing: Ellen’s story 20 Adoptees & suicide risk
Books & media 22 Movie review: Instant Family 23 Jen’s Picks
Hope & healing: Ellen’s story, page 18
BC goes green for adoption, page 24
adoption FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families
editor’s letter I’m going to be honest: this issue of Focus on Adoption is a heavy one. It all started when we decided to we should probably revisit the topic of post-adoption depression because it had been a few years since we last wrote about it. We put out a call on social media for people with firsthand experience, hoping for maybe one or two brave folks who were willing to be interviewed about this intensely personal and difficult topic. Instead, we were flooded with responses from people who were eager to talk about their experiences. We’re still getting comments on those posts as this issue goes to print (and if I missed yours, I apologize). Around the same time, I heard news from friends in the US that another vibrant young adoptee had lost their life to suicide, and was reminded that we were overdue to tackle that important topic too. Before we knew it, we found ourselves with an issue focused on mental health. This is also our holiday issue, so there are some light, bright articles here too. We hope that overall, this issue leaves you feeling more informed, equipped, and supported. If something you read here brings up difficult memories or feelings, please reach out—either to our own ace support team (www.bcadoption.com/support) or to the person or resource of your choice. If nothing else, we hope this is what you remember: No matter what you’re going through, you’re not alone.
Brianna Brash-Nyberg Managing Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine
2 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Advertising All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.
Magazine staff Editor: Mary Caros Managing editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Copy editor: Moretta Shuert Design concept: Junxion Strategy
Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001
Disclaimer The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Focus on Adoption. Many contributing writers are experts from various fields and provide advice to our readers, but readers should be aware that specific advice can only be given by qualified professionals who are fully aware of a family’s circumstances. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk, and we carry no responsibility for the opinions expressed and assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance on it. © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2018
news & notes
BY ANDREA DRIEDGER
Adoption Basics details first steps for adoptive parents British Columbians who are looking to start or expand their families have a new, free-of-charge, online resource to help teach them the ins and outs of adopting in BC. Adoption Basics, created by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, is an interactive orientation tool that gives prospective adoptive parents the right information to help them make informed decisions about their intent to adopt, before applying. “This tool helps demystify some of the stereotypes about adoption,” said Katrine Conroy, the Minister of Children and Family Development. “People tend to think of adoption as a way to find that perfect, healthy baby, whereas the greater need right now is to find homes for sibling groups, teens, and children who have complex care needs. We want parents to come to this process with their eyes open and we want to ensure we’re finding the best possible fit for those waiting kids.” Source: www.bcadoption.com/abasics
FSGV Adoption Agency closes after two decades After more than 700 adoption placements and 21 years of service and support to adoptive families, expectant parents, and birth families, Family Services of Greater Vancouver Adoption Agency closed its doors on November 1, 2018.
Photo credit: Harriet Fancott
“There is no greater honour than to help hopeful adoptive parents realize their dream of starting or growing their family,” said Karin Kirkpatrick, the CEO of Family Services of Greater Vancouver (FSGV), in an emailed statement. “However, ongoing global socio-economic factors have impacted adoptions agencies globally and in BC, and we have decided that it is no longer a viable program for us to offer. This closure has been a very difficult decision for the Board and leadership of the Agency. We have reviewed alternative models and service delivery methods and have concluded that there is no viable alternative for us.” FSGV is working with the Ministry of Children and Family Development’s (MCFD) Adoption and Permanency Branch to ensure that families who have adoption files with FSGV Adoption Agency do not experience a disruption in service. They will be communicating directly with those families to advise them of the process. “This agency has been an integral part of the adoption community and it is unfortunate that they have made the decision to discontinue their adoption services,” said Renaa Bacy, Provincial Director of Adoption at MCFD. “For those families who were working with FSGV, our focus has been to transfer their files to B.C.’s other licensed adoption agencies so they can move forward in their adoption process as smoothly as possible.” “Families remain the top priority for Family Services of Greater Vancouver and will be
supported through the transition process,” says Kirkpatrick. FSGV Adoption Agency has been a key member of the adoption community for more than 20 years. The passion, commitment, and leadership of the FSGV Adoption Agency team has been critical to the adoption community. We at AFABC offer our support to FSGV’s staff and affected families through this difficult transition. Family Services of Greater Vancouver, FSGV Adoption Agency’s parent organization, remains open. At AFABC, we look forward to continuing our partnership with FSGV on events such as the Stand Together Conference we co-host every March. FSGV Adoption Agency has encouraged its clients to stay involved in the adoption community by connecting with the Adoptive Families Association of BC (AFABC). AFABC’s family development team offers free and confidential supports to all adoptive families, including waiting families. Our next Waiting Parents Meeting is November 29 in Vancouver. See www.bcadoption.com/support for more information. For general adoption information and support, call us at 1-877-ADOPT07. For more intensive support needs, call our Adoption Counselling line at 1-866-902-7330. For more information and for details on how current and past client files will be handled, please go to www.fsgvadoptionagency.ca.
Continued on page 4 VOLUME 27 WINTER 2019 3
News & notes, cont’d
Canada implements 5-week shared EI parental benefit Canadian parents now have five extra weeks of Employment Insurance parental benefits, but only if both parents share the time at home with their child. “The new parental sharing benefit will give parents extra flexibility and encourage Canadians to share the work of raising their children more equally,” said Jean-Yves Duclos, Canadian Minister of Families, Children and Social Development. The goal of this increase is to encourage parents to more equally share parenting responsibilities in order to boost gender equality in the workplace. With the sharing benefit, parents selecting the standard duration of parental benefits could receive up to 40 weeks of benefits, up from 35 weeks. Neither parent can access more than 35 weeks in total. Source: www. ctvnews.ca
New Rep expects good, not always ‘comfortable’, relations with government Dr. Jennifer Charlesworth as been confirmed as BC’s new Representative for Children and Youth. In an interview with News 1130, Dr. Charlesworth said she plans to spend the next five years working with the provincial government, but says there is a hunger for some change. “I fully expect that the government will push back on a number of things. Fundamentally, if we put children and youth at the centre, my hope is
that we will find ways of agreeing on the need for change in certain areas.” Dr. Charlesworths stated priorities include reducing the number of Indigenous children in foster care, and improving services for people with mental illness and substance abuse issues. Source: www. citynews1130.com
Report on social work and child welfare The Canadian Association of Social Workers released a new report on the working environment for social workers in child welfare. More than 3,200 social workers responded. More than half of social workers recommended that Canada must address poverty, addiction, mental health, and systemic racism to improve child welfare. Child welfare leaders and experts across the country agreed that Canada must act immediately to address the over-representation of Indigenous children and families involved with the child welfare system. Approximately 75% of social workers report that unmanageable workloads are a critical issue, 44% have experienced threats or violence on the job, and 72% say they don’t get to spend enough time with clients. Source: www.casw-acts.ca
PEI adoptees and birth mothers call for inquiry into adoption history A Prince Edward Island group is asking their provincial leaders to commit to a public inquiry
into past adoption practices. The Committee for Justice for Island Adoptees and their Mothers wants the Province of PEI to look into the forced adoptions that took place across the province after the Second World War. Mary MacDonald, chair of the Committee, says that Prince Edward Islanders who were affected “need to have the opportunity to tell their stories so that people are aware… They need to know that what happened to them is not going to be swept under the carpet and covered up by a wall of secrecy.” This past July, a federal senate committee released a report on forced adoption that concluded that “human rights may have been violated, and, if no laws were broken, certainly the forced adoption policy for unmarried mothers was unethical.” Source: ww.cbc.ca
Manitoba passes new legislation to keep kids out of care The Province of Manitoba has passed an amendment to their Child and Family Services Act. This amendment would prevent social workers from apprehending children due to poverty-related issues, said MLA Bernadette Smith. “So if a family doesn’t have enough food, then we figure out a way to get them the food that they need rather than apprehending the kids,” Smith said. Manitoba currently holds the highest rate of children and youth in foster care in Canada at approximately 11,000 kids. Source: www.winnipegsun.com ●
To view a webinar or browse a complete list of options, visit www.bcadoption.com/demand-webinars. 4 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
meet Anne Tower Anne Tower joined AFABC in September as our new Executive Director. In this interview, Anne shares her special connection to adoption and her goals and dreams for AFABC’s future.
When I think about my skills and experience, working with the amazing team and parent community at AFABC is the perfect opportunity to make the biggest impact that I can at this time in my career.
What’s your connection to adoption?
How do you spend your free time?
I actually am adopted. I was adopted as a child and my little sister is adopted, so my family wouldn’t exist but for adoption. And there are actually many, many more adoptions in my extended family. So you could almost say that adoption is a bit of a family tradition for us.
I actually really like working, so I do spend a lot of time working. But when I’m not working, my husband and I have a little family cabin out in the woods and I try to get out and hike and let nature heal me, and all that kind of thing. We both have elder parents, my dad is almost 95 years old, and my husband’s mother is almost 93, so we spend quite a bit of time going back and forth across the province. We visit Victoria, where my dad is, and Kelowna, where his mom is, quite frequently. We are blessed to have a lot of extended family and wonderful friends, so I do like a good party as well. I also really love stories, so reading, movies, and live theatre are all big joys in my life.
Does being adopted impact your life?
How do you define success?
It’s a good question. I never did think it impacted me, it’s… it doesn’t define me, but at the same time for me, anyway, it’s a really positive part of my identity. I was adopted as a little child, 6 months old, by wonderful parents, and I was very loved and nurtured growing up. I’m actually very proud of being adopted and very open about it and I’m really happy to tell anybody how well it worked out for me, anyway. I guess it makes me feel a little bit special, makes me feel like I was chosen, so I think my parents did a good job being open about it with me right from the beginning.
What drew you to AFABC? I’ve worked in non-profits more than 20 years: almost all of them with youth causes, mostly in education. I love all of the non-profits I’ve been allied with, but I can’t think of anything more powerful than family and permanence and shaping a young person’s life.
I define success as being able to use the talents and gifts that you have—whatever those might be, and they’re different for each and every one of us—to exercise them and to use them to serve other people. I think that is what gives most people life, to do what they’re good at and to do it in service of the greater good, making a little difference in their corner of the world; that’s how I define success.
What’s your hope for AFABC? I hope we can keep doing all the great work that we are doing now. I know that the landscape of adoption is changing and not only adoption but permanency is becoming more and more important for our community, so I hope that together we can keep doing all the good things that we’re doing, but also look at how our world is changing, identify the places to make the biggest difference with the strengths that we have, and then go there boldly. ●
VOLUME 27 WINTER 2019 5
sweet solutions
for hard behaviours by Amanda Preston
Being a parent is never easy. Add in the complexities of adoption, trauma, and special needs, and you’re likely to discover that tactics like time outs and star charts are useless at best. What does that leave you with? Amanda Preston’s surprising suggestions may be just the tricks you need.
Rethinking bad behaviour You’re standing in your kitchen washing dishes when suddenly your 10-year-old child walks in. He asks if he can have an ice cream sandwich. Dinner is in 5 minutes so you calmly let him know not right now, but after dinner. Unfortunately, this tried and true method of delaying the “yes” doesn’t work and your child begins to melt down. I’m not talking your average meltdown. Instead he immediately starts to scream at the top of his lungs, flings a glass off the counter, and flips the dining room chairs while swearing at you. If you’re an adoptive parent of a special needs child, then you’re likely nodding your head. We’ve all been there and unfortunately I know many of us are there every single day, sometimes multiple times a day. I’m sure that, like me, you’ve tried everything: time ins, time outs, behaviour charts, positive parenting, choices, redirection, 1-2-3 Magic. I’ve read books on strong-willed children, defiant children, and more. While some tricks work some of the time, I think is’s always helpful to have more tools in the tool belt. So why not try rewarding their behaviour instead? Before you turn away and think I am a complete nut, hang on a bit longer and keep reading. I promise, it won’t be as bad as you’re thinking.
6 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
I recently went to the best conference for adoptive and foster parents I have ever been to: Refresh, in Seattle. I learned a ton of hands-on skills for dealing with the special needs of children with brain-based disorders and a history of trauma. These tools focus on regulating the brain when a child is approaching or in the midst of a meltdown. FASD, ADHD, trauma, and many other special needs impact We have to choose our battles. the child’s ability to regulate Ensuring everyone in the house themselves. Often, children with these challenges misbehave is safe and calm is far more because they can’t engage their important than a bit of sugar. rational brain when they’re upset, not because they want to act out. When you use these tools, you’re not actually rewarding bad behaviour. You’re navigating challenging brain-based behaviour.
Lollipops This tool is great to de-escalate kids who are already in full meltdown mode, and it’s helpful for meltdown prevention in high-risk situations like the grocery store or another child’s birthday party. It’s also a tool that will really make you feel like you’re rewarding your child’s behaviour. You’re going to give your child a lollipop. Yes, you heard me correctly. Your child is throwing toys across the room, swearing at you, and screaming at the top of their lungs? You’re going to walk over, hand them a lollipop, and wait. Your child needs help accessing their rational brain, and the lollipop is going to help. The sucking is what creates the magic with this tool. Sucking on the lollipop causes the child’s heart rate, blood pressure, and stress levels to decrease. The sugar helps too. The reason a lollipop works so well versus a non-food item, such as a soother or chewy toy, is the sudden burst of sweet, delicious
Allow the child 15 minutes of screen time to help them settle down. Calmly tell them when their time is up. Your child may do best with a 5-minute warning that time is almost up, or they may just want to be left alone until their screen time is over. Only you know what will work best for your child. Once the time is up and your child has calmed down, you can attempt a “redo.” The redo is a tool I learned through the Empowered to Connect program. You can read the book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis to learn more.
More quick and easy “rewards” • • • • • flavor. You likely won’t convince your 10-year-old to suck on a soother when they’re in the middle of a meltdown. It’s not going to take much to convince them to use a lollipop! Don’t get me wrong. Handing your melting-down child a lollipop will feel wrong. It will. But you’re not rewarding their behaviour. You’re simply helping them calm down in a moment of crisis. Your child can’t access the area of the brain that would help them calm down. You must be their brain for them. By handing them a lollipop, that’s what you’re doing. I don’t recommend the lollipop trick for every child, but if you know your child suffers from a brain disorder or trauma, try it. I know it feels like you’re going against everything you know as a parent, but I promise, it will help. We have to choose our battles when parenting kids with trauma or special needs. As long as your child brushes their teeth, eats other healthy foods throughout the day, and doesn’t have a medical condition that prevents them from having sugar, it will be okay. Ensuring everyone in the house is safe and calm is far more important than a bit of extra sugar.
Drinking through a straw Jumping on a mini trampoline Blowing bubbles Blowing a pinwheel The Mustache (place finger on upper lip so it looks like a mustache—this pushes on a pressure point)
Outside-the-box parenting None of us entered parenthood intending to give our children lollipops, bubble gum, and screen time when they misbehave. Parenting a child with special needs or a history of trauma really does require a different type of parenting. We have to think outside the box to ensure our children succeed. Don’t worry if it feels wrong at first. As long as you remember your child is not intentionally acting out, and view their meltdowns as times when they need help, everything will become a bit easier. Once meltdowns go from two hours to ten minutes, you’ll become a believer. ●
Amanda Preston is an adoptive and foster mom to 8 kids, a social worker, the Executive Director of Home for Every Child Adoption Society, and a blogger at My Lovely Crazy Life (www.mylovelycrazylife.com). She is an advocate for seeing all children with permanent families and is passionate about FASD and other special needs.
Gum Similar to the lollipop tool, gum is excellent for a child who needs to calm down right away before things get out of hand. Start by handing the child several pieces of bubble gum. Yes, I said several pieces. Chewing a very large mouthful of gum forces the child’s jaw muscles to work hard, which is where the magic comes in. I know what you’re thinking if you’re anything like me: “We don’t allow gum in this house.” Yes. I’m right there with you! Gum is my nemesis. I hate finding it in my carpet, in my bed sheets, on my furniture, and in other unique places. In this situation, though, you’re going to have your child sit right beside you and chew the giant wad of gum for a few minutes. Once they have calmed down you can have them to spit it out, and give them a single piece of gum to continue chewing (and calming down). Is it risky having gum in the house? Oh my word, yes. I cringe just thinking about it. But is it so incredibly worth it to calm down a child who is extremely escalated? Yes!
Screen Time Here comes the hardest-to-swallow tool of them all. Use it when you feel you need it, and don’t feel bad about it. If your child is in the middle of a rage and things are quickly spiraling out of control, then offer your child 15 minutes on their tablet or smartphone. I know, I know. It goes against everything you believe. Screen time during a meltdown? I must be kidding. Nope! This tool is used to calm down a child so they can move past the meltdown. Does this mean you forget about what happened? No. But you’re not going to succeed at teaching your child anything while they are in the middle of a meltdown.
Clinical Counselling Parent Child Therapy Pre-Adoption Consultation PsychED Assessments
Occupational Therapy Mentorship Programs Training for Professionals Adoption Life Story Books
www.achildssong.ca
604-562-8308 | achildssong.services@yahoo.ca
VOLUME 27 WINTER 2019 7
post-adoption depression BY BRIANNA BRASH-NYBERG
Post-adoption depression is a common experience. In this article we tell the stories of parents who have been through it and share what you can do to find help. What is post-adoption depression? Like new biological parents, some adoptive parents will experience depression or anxiety* after a baby or child comes home. Most research focuses on biological mothers (and there’s very little on dads, even though we know they’re affected too), but a 2012 study published in Advances in Nursing Science found that between 18 and 26 percent of adoptive mothers also struggle with post-adoption depression. Post-adoption depression can begin immediately or as late as six months after placement. Symptoms include significant sleeping and eating changes, difficulty concentrating, anxiety, hopelessness, guilt, exhaustion, depressed mood, loss of interest in previous sources of enjoyment, and thoughts of suicide. According to the Pacific Postpartum Support Services Society (PPSSS), the overwhelming and long-lasting distressing feelings of postpartum depression are different from the sadness and anxiety known as “the baby blues,” which many new parents experience. Post-adoption depression is a serious condition that requires treatment, whereas the baby blues often pass on their own.
What causes it? According to Karen J. Foli, co-author of The Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforeseen Challenges of Adoption, most adoptive parents who experienced depression after placement struggled with “unmet or unrealistic expectations of him- or herself, the child, family and friends, or society.” Other significant factors mentioned in the 2012 study cited above included extreme fatigue, a lack of support, low self-esteem, martial dissatisfaction, and difficulties with parent and child bonding. Some parents I spoke to
for this article also experienced traumatic events during their adoption processes that they believe contributed to post-adoption depression. “No one talked about the struggles, isolation, and, quite frankly how awful the adoption experience can be,” said Jean, who adopted a preschooler from foster care. “That made me feel like a horrible person to experience those thoughts in isolation. Everyone tells you, ‘You’re doing God’s work,’ ‘You’re an angel,’ ‘I couldn’t do what you’re doing,’ ‘You knew what you were getting into,’ etc. and on the inside you feel like you’re dying.” Nicki, who adopted a toddler, had a similar experience. “I found when I was low and crying when I put him to bed for the night I would reach out to family and they would react by saying, ‘Well, you wanted to be a parent.’”
Every adoptive parent had the same message for other struggling parents: You are not alone, and this is not your fault.
After all the struggles, excitement, and expense of the adoption process, it’s tough for new parents to admit to being anything other than delighted. It doesn’t help that the media tends to portray adoption as a perfect fairy tale, which sets parents up for disappointment and guilt if their own experience doesn’t match up. “I knew I should be feeling happy that I finally was able to adopt,” said Carol, whose son was 8 years old when she adopted him. “I felt disappointed because the child described to me was not what I got. I remember feeling like I had made a huge mistake. It felt like a life sentence. I felt hopeless, like nothing would change. I resented my social worker and I felt I had been deceived. I felt tremendous grief and loss and I had to mourn what I had imagined and accept my reality.”
How is it treated? Post-adoption depression is very treatable. Usually, treatment involves a combination of therapy, medication, and self-help strategies tailored to the
*Most research focuses on post-adoption depression, but it’s important to know that anxiety is often experienced by new parents too, and that it can be just as serious as depression. 14 FOCUS ON ADOPTION anxiety occurs by itself and sometimes it occurs at the same time as depression. See page 11 for more on anxiety. Sometimes post-adoption
individual’s needs. Some parents recover after a few weeks; for others, it takes months. Everyone’s journey will be different, but if you think you may be suffering from post-adoption depression, the first step is to acknowledge it and ask for help. This can be scary; you may worry about jeopardizing your current adoption placement or your chances of adopting in the future if you admit to struggling with a mental health issue. This is unlikely to happen. Your adoption social worker will be familiar with post-adoption depression and may actually be able to help. “Use your case worker,” advises Nicki. “They have resources to help newly adopted children and parents with transitions and could help with finding other families who have experienced the same for support.” In the long run, focusing on your mental health now might actually improve your parenting skills and your relationship with your child. “Our children’s mental health is linked to ours so we must take care of ourselves,” says Meredith, who adopted two school-aged children internationally. “Studies show that there is a direct correlation between parent mental health and children’s cortisol levels (felt safety). When steps are taken to reduce parental stress, children’s cortisol levels drop. Also, many of our children will have mental health challenges throughout their lifetime and this can be a great opportunity to foster conversation about mental health and normalize visits to mental health professionals, taking medication, etc.”
Post-adoption depression and attachment We’ve all seen the viral posts on social media that feature photos of beaming families on their adoption day, with headlines like “I loved my child before I even met him!” or “We bonded the moment she was placed in my arms.” These stories, while heartwarming, can also set adoptive parents up to feel disappointed and guilty if their experience differs. It’s common for attachment and loving feelings take time to develop—sometimes a long, long time. Post-adoption depression can make that process longer and more complicated and that, in turn, can exacerbate the depression. “Having children with attachment and trauma issues is very isolating and complex and exhausting,” says Jean. “Every fibre of your being will be tested. You will need support.” Isobel, who adopted a preschooler, says that post-adoption depression definitely impacted the attachment process with her daughter. “I withdrew, which caused her to cling to me with such intensity that it worsened the situation. I could not give her what she needed, and I was not getting the help I needed.” Carol also experienced attachment-related challenges. “I often did not like my son,” she says. “He would tantrum for up to four hours for no apparently reason. When he was through he would want me to cuddle him, which was the last thing I wanted to do. I would cuddle him anyway, but I often did not feel empathy. Even though I knew he was a child in care with a history of trauma, in the moment all I felt was angry that he was making my life so miserable. Then I would feel guilty for feeling this way. I had to work really hard at doing the right thing by him even when I did not feel it. I had to believe that in time the feelings would come. Eventually they did. I’m now going through my second adoption. I have similar feelings but now I understand that it is a process and that I am going to be okay.”
was extremely violent to the point where I had to cover up the bruises at work so that no one would ask questions. It brought on PTSD from my own traumatic experiences. I would lock myself in the bathroom and cry on the floor. The first few months post-placement we were on our own, in an intense trauma tornado. Everyone involved in the placement was on vacation and so was our family. We had no support. I was withdrawn and wished that someone, anyone, would take her or me away. I was to the point where I felt that my wife and kid would be better off without me. This went on for a little more than a month. My partner ended up putting me on the phone with a crisis support team, which allowed me to recognize that I was experiencing post-adoption depression. We sought out a therapist and she gave us tools to help alleviate the situation. Our therapist recognized and affirmed that we needed help, and that we were also valid human beings experiencing our own loss, on top of parenting a stranger. The transition counselor involved prior to our therapist was not sensitive to that. I have made self-care a priority. I have organized time away from our child, as does my partner. She is babysat for five hours on Mondays and sleeps over at her grandparents’ house on Thursdays. The break from her is strengthening our bond. I have time to process all the emotional needs she has, alongside my own, and I have time to decompress. I still have bad days and when I do, I leave for a couple hours and it helps. I have finally started to have moments where I can recognize this beautiful little girl is mine and I am fond of her. I do not yet love my child—I am sure I will in time—but she does not go an hour without hearing me tell her I love her, and she has recently started calling me Mom. I am learning to be easy on myself. All of that love and feeling like a family will come. For now I just take it one moment at a time.”
Meredith’s story Two years ago our children joined us after a nightmare five-year adoption process. We adopted a sibling set from another country. Both of our girls suffered severe trauma. One also had a moderate attachment disorder, and the other was developmentally delayed with a severe attachment disorder. My husband and I both suffer from secondary trauma. I have a PTSD diagnosis caused by what I went through during the adoption, which included someone kidnapping our children, me having to go into hiding and flee the country during a visit, and large-scale campaigns to lobby our government to help us bring our children home. I started struggling with post adoption depression six to eight weeks after our children arrived in our home. We have biological children as well and I had struggled with postpartum depression and anxiety, so I was able to recognize the signs quite early and talked to my doctor about going back on medication. Honestly, to some extent it continues two years later. Despite medication and therapy, it has been difficult for me to move past due to the severe trauma behaviours we are still dealing with in our home. I’ve found it difficult to access supports for our whole family. I feel thankful to have connected with a great trauma-informed counsellor.
What other parents want you to know
Isobel’s story
Every adoptive parent I spoke to for this article had the same message for other struggling parents: you are not alone, and this is not your fault. Here’s some other advice and encouragement they shared.
It started about a month after placement. Our daughter was definitely experiencing grief and it came out in rage, which was directed at me. She
Ask for professional help as soon as possible. “Don’t be afraid of medication and there’s no shame in counselling,” says Meredith. “If you
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have experienced any sort of PTSD, depression, or anxiety, or have any past experiences of trauma, be prepared. Visit your therapist prior to placement and make appointments to see them a month or two after placement,” adds Isobel. “You need a safe place to deal with all of that inner turmoil, chaos, and upset without your child picking up on it.” Cut back on responsibilities, simplify as much as possible, and get all the practical help you can find or afford. “Those first couple of months post placement, that is your Everest,” says Isobel. “There is no preparing for what is about to happen to your life. Those first couple months post placement are our labour and delivery.” Hire a house cleaner or babysitter, buy premade meals, etc. Reach out to friends and family and ask them to do some shopping or laundry, watch your child while you sleep, or just come and keep you company. Seek out people who “get” you. “You may lose friends who will never understand, but you’ll gain a new support system,” says Carol. “My best friend was there for me on those days I felt I could not go on. She assured me I was a good mom because most of the time I was convinced I sucked. I also connected with other adoptive moms who had gone through the same thing.” Prioritize self-care as soon as possible. “You will want to strangle anyone who mentions self-care [at first] because you probably will not get around to it in the first month or two,” says Isobel. “But when the dust starts to settle and you feel like you can finally come up for air, then load on the self-care. Take breaks, go for walks, meditate, take five minutes to breathe alone. Do anything to feel like yourself again.” Know that along with the hard times there will be moments of pure joy and exhilaration. “In the end, if you persevere, you will see it is worth it,” says Carol. “That your child is worth every bit of heartache you experience.” ●
where to get help If you are in crisis or experiencing an acute mental health episode, contact the The Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC at 1-800-SUICIDE (784-2433). They provide confidential, non-judgmental, free emotional support in 140 languages 24 hours a day, 7 days a week for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair. www.crisiscentre.bc.ca. Pacific Post Partum Support Society (PPPSS) provides a variety of free or low-cost programs for parents who are experiencing postpartum or post-adoption depression and anxiety. Their services include telephone support, support groups, and online resources. The PPPSS office is in Burnaby but they support parents across British Columbia. They welcome biological and adoptive parents of all genders with children ages 3 and under. Visit their website at www.postpartum.org or call them toll free at 1-855-255-7999. Reach out to your doctor or public health nurse. They can evaluate you, recommend treatment options, and connect you with services. Get in touch with AFABC. Our Adoption Support Counsellors offer intensive one-on-one help. We can also connect you to adoption-specific supports including Adoption Key Workers, online and in-person support groups, adoptive families or buddy parents in your area, or the in-home Parent Adoption Support Services (PASS) program. Learn more and access our real-time online chat system at www.bcadoption.com/support.
self-care for real life Self-care is one of the best things you can do for your health, but most of us can’t jet off to the spa every other weekend (if only!). Here’s how real people make self-care part of their everyday life. I get up early, before my kids, to go for walks. I can really clear my head before I have to deal with them in the mornings. –Heather Lately my self-care has been cleaning my home. A clean home calms me down. –Taryn I run three or four times a week on the trail behind my house. –Correen I’ve made a commitment to go to yoga class once a week. –Sarah This is probably the area that I’ve had to focus on the most in the last year, and I’m still figuring out what it means for me. Some evenings it’s allowing myself to lay in bed watching Netflix guilt free (no going over what I should be doing instead). Others it’s not letting myself slack off, knowing I need to go for a walk, or eat well. Overall it’s about being
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kind to myself: paying attention to what my body and mind needs, and making sure that I give that to myself. –Tanya I had to learn what what self-care is, what I need to be healthy. Now I know that I need alone time. I’ve never needed that before. –Maya I take the occasional day off of work but keep my son in daycare (parents need days off, too!). Also relying on the grandparents when we need a break. And not feeling bad about eating frozen pizza once in awhile. –Megan
Learn more Self-care solutions for stressed parents: Pull weeds, read a trashy
magazine, write a letter you’ll never send... this is a down-to-earth list of self-care steps you can take right now: www.bcadoption. com/resources/articles/self-care-solutions-stressed-parents
Mental health challenges affect people of all ages, including youth. AgedOut.com is an amazing resource created for youth transitioning out of government care. It has lots of health & wellness info, including this excellent info page on anxiety. Share it with the young people in your life!
Anxiety Anxiety is your body’s reaction to danger or stress. It can be really helpful in some situations, like when you need to jump out of the way of a speeding car. But sometimes, it’s like your body thinks you’re in danger when you aren’t. That’s when anxiety can stop you from enjoying life. Learn more about anxiety disorders and getting help below.
Is my anxiety a disorder? Everyone feels anxious at times. But if your anxiety is impacting your life and changing the way you think, feel, and act, it might be an anxiety disorder. Here are some signs of various anxiety disorders:
I think I have an anxiety disorder. What can I do? Anxiety disorders are treatable. The sooner you get help, the sooner you can get back to enjoying life and achieving your goals. •
Counselling: Counsellors or mental health professionals can help you work through the thoughts, emotions, behaviours, and triggers contributing to your anxiety. They can also teach you coping skills.
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Medication: Anti-anxiety medications can be used in combination with counselling to reduce your body’s response to anxiety.
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Support groups: You are not alone. Anxiety disorder support groups are a great way to share your experiences and learn from the experiences of others.
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Self-help: Making small lifestyle changes can reduce your anxiety. •
Get regular exercise
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Eat well
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Use relaxation techniques
An intense fear of a specific object or situation
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Spend time with friends and family
A fear of embarrassing yourself in public or worry that people are judging you
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Be spiritually active
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Avoid coffee, drugs, and alcohol
A constant feeling of uneasiness and difficulty relaxing Unpleasant thoughts and feelings about a past traumatic event Repeating certain behaviours like counting or hand washing because it seems to help stop the anxiety Sudden overwhelming feelings of terror that may include a fast heartbeat, difficulty breathing, dizziness, a fear of having a heart attack, or fear that you’re going “crazy”
Watch this video to learn more about anxiety:
www.youth.anxietybc.com/video/teen-truths Get more health & wellness information for youth on AgedOut.com!
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movie does is show them learn and grow, take advice and support, and ultimately never give up on their children. One of my favorite things about the movie is the inclusion of social workers (excellent social workers) played by Octavia Spencer and Tig Notaro. They really shine a light on how critical competent social workers are to the adoption process. They’re knowledgeable, tough, and have the best interests of young people at the heart of everything they do. How lucky we all might have been to have had social workers like these. Another excellent aspect of the story was that they chose to not shy away from issues like birth parent access and family reunification. The story didn’t stop when the children got settled at into their new home, and it didn’t stop when the really tough challenges came up, even the really big one: disruption. This is something that is not often talked about in adoption but happens often. Without giving too much away because you really should see it yourself, the children and the family struggle with the possibility of disruption. The parents do one of the most wise and selfless things you can do as an adoptive parent: Consider the best interest of the children over the idea of the family you created. Instant Family seamlessly moves from comedic to serious moments but at the heart of the story is a real, accurate, and heartwarming adoption story. I really commend the directors for including transracial, sibling group, and trauma issues. Movies have power, stories have power, and this is one done right. ●
movie review: Instant Family
Ashley Ash is part of the Adoption Council of Ontario’s Never Too Late For A Family (NTL) team. NTL believes that it’s unacceptable that after 18 years of age, foster youth no longer have the chance to find a forever family. Their program aims to change that by creating and piloting a program that is youth-centred and exists in collaboration with community-based programs that work with at-risk youth populations. This review originally appeared on the Adoption Council of Ontario’s blog at www.adoption.on.ca. Reprinted with permission.
by Ashley Ash
Why Instant Family is a must-see I tend to be hypercritical of movies portraying adoption. I have a close connection to the material as a transracial adoptee and also as a social work student who has seen the power of narratives and discourse to influence actual social work practice. I’ve rarely seen a movie portray adoption accurately (save for the movie Lion, the true story of adoptee Saroo Brierly), but I left Instant Family with wet eyes and cheeks strained from laughing. The movie evolves from the real-life story of director Sean Anders and his wife who adopted three children from foster care. The movie portrays the experience of adopting children out of the foster care system and the struggles and the joys that accompany that process. We often see and hear about adoption from an adoptive parent perspective, especially the stereotypical Christian family looking to do good, or parents who want a specific type of child. To stop at this place would have left this movie lacking and only shed light on what adoption shouldn’t be. Instead, we get to walk alongside the future parents, played by Rose Bryne and Mark Wahlberg, throughout their journey as they come to terms with how different their expectations are from reality. The best thing the
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Write for us! We’re always looking for volunteer book and movie reviewers. Interested? Email Brianna at editor@bcadoption.com.
Jen’s picks
Jen Hillman is an AFABC Adoption Support Counsellor and an adoptive mom of two adult sons and a daughter. She shares some of her favourite books in each issue.
10 Mindful Minutes by Goldie Hawn
Inspired by the revolutionary MindUP program (developed under the auspices of the Hawn Foundation), the book offers easy-to-grasp insights from current behavioural, psychological, and neurological studies to show how our thoughts, emotions, and actions—including our ability to focus, manage stress, and learn—are all exquisitely interconnected. Hawn presents simple and practial ways to develop mindfulness in children and parents alike, and shares her own heartfelt experiences with the challenges and joys of parenting.
Parenting Children with ADHD by Vincent J. Monastra
The author passes on his wisdom about how to help children with ADHD succeed, and includes medical, nutritional, educational, and psychological information in a format usable by parents, K-12 teachers and school adminstrators, and health care professionals.
Intense Minds: Through the Eyes of Young People with Bipolar Disorder by Tracy Anglada
Young people with bipolar disorder and adults who grew up with the condition speak out to share how they experienced the symptoms of this illness during their youth, and how it affected their functioning in school, at home, and with friends. Their insightful comments, woven together by the author, form a stunning picture of the young person’s internal experience. The reader will come away with a new understanding of these young people and a renewed commitment to make a difference by reaching out to help.
No Such Thing As a Bad Kid by Charles D. Appelstein
Written specifically for teachers, child and youth-care professionals, and foster parents, this book is packed with information for anyone who lives or works with at-risk kids. This empowering handbook provides hundreds of hands-on tips and sample dialogues that can help revolutionize your interactions with troubled kids and their interactions with the world.
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Help our families sparkle Make the holidays meaningful with a gift from AFABC. Honour your friends and loved ones by helping AFABC find a family for every child. Donate today at bcadoption.com/change-life. We will email you a certificate of recognition that you can gift to your loved one. For more information contact Caoimhe at cmurray@bcadoption.com. PM# 41718015 Return undeliverable Canadian addresses to: Adoptive Families Association of BC 200 - 7342 Winston St, Burnaby, BC, V5A 2H1, Canada