Volume 26 Winter 2018
adoption FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoption Community
Step by step: The new Adopt BC Kids process 40 years of adoption
14 ways to love your child
Meet the Ash family
What adoptees need from parents
Part three of our series focuses on adoption from foster care
Celebrate your family this February
Get an inside look at teen adoption
Honesty, safety, encouragement, curiosity
Join us! AFABC members are...
Social! Get free tickets to events like Canucks, BC Lions, and Whitecaps games, Cirque de Soleil, the ballet, and more.
Informed! Membership includes your subscription to Focus on Adoption magazine. Educated! Enjoy discounts on all our workshops, webinars, and education offerings. Connected! Membership is your key to our extensive resource library. Sign up online at www.bcadoption.com/membership, email events@bcadoption. com, or call 604-320-7330.
We've got a lot of love to share.
Contents Inside this issue: News and information 2 Editor’s letter 3 News & notes 11 Celebrations
In Focus 5 Get to know the new Minister 7 40 years of adoption: a three-part series, part three 9 14 ways to love your child On our cover What a beautiful butterfy! Madison's ready for her big role as the flower girl at her birth aunt's wedding.
10 12 15 17
Adopted voice: In their own words Steps to Adopt BC Kids Everyone has a story: Meet the Ash family Fostering education: supports for youth from care 19 ADHD and FASD: making sense of the connections 21 Partner profile: A community for Asian adoptees
Adopting from foster care, page 7
Books & media 23 Review: The Simple Guide to Child Trauma
Fostering education, page 17
ADHD and FASD, page 19
adoption FOCUS ON
The Resource for Canada’s Adoptive Families
Advertising All advertisements must comply with Section 85 of the Adoption Act (Bill 51). The publisher in no way endorses or makes any warranty or representation with regard to any product or service advertised in Focus on Adoption. The publisher reserves the right to refuse any advertising which, in its absolute discretion, it deems inappropriate for publication. We may not be held responsible for any ad content, or any action or complaint arising out of an advertisement in this publication.
Magazine staff
Editors' letters Our winter issue always straddles two years. It comes out in December and covers topics through January and February of the next year. It’s an issue of endings and beginnings. So it is fitting that with this issue I am writing my last Editor's letter (fondly called "the Leditor" here at AFABC), and turning it over to Brianna Brash-Nyberg who has been managing most aspects of the magazine for the last few years. I will continue behind the scenes, and Brianna will keep writing, interviewing, researching, and now wrapping up all of the amazing and thoughtful stories we share each quarter. Brianna’s skill as a managing editor is matched only by the courage and openness of our community to share their experiences. Without you we wouldn’t have the words to express the wonder that is adoption. Thanks to Brianna and to all of you!
Mary Caros Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine
As we wrap up AFABC’s 40th anniversary year and head into the bustle of the festive season, I’ve got celebrations on the brain. Here at work, I celebrate every three months when the newest issue of Focus on Adoption arrives from the printing house. I celebrate the hard work and support of all our contributors. I celebrate the leadership, input, and support of my colleagues. But most of all, I celebrate you: the entire adoption community. Focus on Adoption exists for and because of you. You trust us with your questions, your struggles, and your stories. That’s why my New Year’s Resolution for 2018 is to learn more about you. Wherever you are in your adoption story, I want to hear about it. What are you struggling with? What do you want to know more about? What matters to you? Do you see yourself and your journey reflected in the stories we print, and if not, how can we do better? I’m in the office every day, and I’d love to connect with you. Catch me at editor@bcadoption.com or 604-320-7330 ext 106. You can even drop by in person if you’re in the area. Here’s to many milestones yet to come and stories yet to share.
Brianna Brash-Nyberg Managing Editor, Focus on Adoption magazine
Editor: Mary Caros Managing editor: Brianna Brash-Nyberg Copy editor: Moretta Shuert Design concept: Junxion Strategy
Publisher Focus on Adoption magazine is published by the Adoptive Families Association of BC, a charitable, accredited, non-profit organization offering adoption support, information, and education. Find out more about AFABC at www.bcadopt.com AFABC Charitable # BN118 777 671 RR0001
Disclaimer The opinion expressed in each article is the opinion of its author and does not necessarily reflect the opinion of Focus on Adoption. Many contributing writers are experts from various fields and provide advice to our readers, but readers should be aware that specific advice can only be given by qualified professionals who are fully aware of a family’s circumstances. Any reliance you place on such information is therefore strictly at your own risk, and we carry no responsibility for the opinions expressed and assume no liability or responsibility for any inaccurate or incomplete information, nor for any actions taken in reliance on it. © Adoptive Families Association of BC, 2017
40 years of adoption: a three-part series BY MARION CROOK In this series Marion Crook, author and adoptive mom, takes us on a journey through changes in adoption in BC. Here, in part three, she focuses on adoption from foster care.
Many children stayed in foster care for years because there was no permanent plan, and foster parents were not seen as potential adoptive parents.
Fostering and adoption: then and now
Attitudes began to change around the middle of the 1990s, when a new government came into power in BC. It reorganized social services under local community direction, with local solutions.
The Adoptive Families Association of BC is celebrating its 40th anniversary. This is the third in a series exploring adoption and fostering over those last 40 years. It focuses on the evolution in foster care practice since 1977.
1977 to 2000 In the late 1970s and 80s, foster parents were recruited to care for children who had been apprehended from or relinquished by their parents. Fostering was not the usual path to adoption and was seen as a temporary placement for children, but there were no time limitations on the placement. A social worker from those days told me that "neither the judge, the district supervisor, or the social worker mentioned what the plan was for the child. We just asked for the apprehension order. No one asked how the child was doing." It wasn’t that social workers were uncaring; many were passionate about child welfare, but the philosophy around fostering was one of physical protection of the child—children were to be rescued and protected. The social worker told me, "Permanency was not an imperative."
At this time, social workers and policy makers had more information on separation trauma, the catastrophic effects of temporary placements, and the need for a sustainable family. They started to look at the effect of the foster care system and its historical lack of permanency on the children. The new approach they developed was that foster children needed services, not warehousing. In 1996, the new Adoption Act introduced limits on the time the child could spend in foster care, which created the need for a plan of care. The new act required that some members of the child’s community, as well as their parents, be informed of the possibility that a child would be placed outside the family. The new act continues to influence foster care today. In 2000, the government’s new philosophy of fiscal responsibility demanded that the child welfare services be taken from local communities and amalgamated into regions, and that expenditures be reduced by 30%. This shattered supports for foster children. Some funds were reintroduced a few years later, but much of the support was lost.
Continued on page 8 VOLUME 26 WINTER 2018 7
40 years of adoption, continued Around this time, studies in the US showed that adoption was cost-efficient in terms of government services, and attitudes toward allowing foster parents to adopt began to change.
Changes in the 2000s More and more emphasis began to be placed on finding permanent families for foster children. Research showed that children benefited from a permanent family even if they were adopted in their teens or as adults. Policies changed, and more effort was put into looking for adoptive homes. Foster parents were a ready source of adoptive parents; the child was often already attached to them. Foster care was also a practical and reliable place for adoptive parents to look to for a child. Due to effective birth control and abortion, few local newborns were available for adoption. International adoption could be expensive, and often required years of waiting. Adopting from foster care was affordable and efficient, and it became the most used path to adoption. The children were usually within the province, had been assessed by BC social workers, and were legally and morally available—all pluses in the adoption world. Ideas about which children were "adoptable" expanded to include older, mixed race, and special needs children. In 2002–2003, 338 children were adopted from foster care in BC, the highest number before or since. During the 2000s, more and more, Indigenous communities were also organizing to keep their children close to home. The Adoption Act of 1996 required that a child’s First Nations band or treaty nation be notified if the child was to be placed in foster care or adopted. In 2000, the BC government moved towards integrating Indigenous and non-Indigenous child care services. In 2002 they signed the Tsawwassen Accord, a commitment to improve relationships between the BC Ministry of Children and Family Development and Indigenous child care services. It was a beginning, but nothing changed quickly. By 2008, two regions, Vancouver Island and Fraser, had child welfare systems independent of provincial laws. There now are 22 Delegated Aboriginal Agencies that have either established their agencies under provincial laws or are in the process of doing so. Lack of support and resources continues to make the goal of integration difficult to achieve. One way of making the process quicker and smoother was to grant guardianship of a child to a relative or friend through the provincial courts, bypassing the adoption process. In 2014, 403 children found homes through this process. The adoption of Indigenous children into non-Indigenous homes does still take place due to the high number of Indigenous children in foster care and the lack of Indigenous foster and adoptive homes.
Now As of 2015, 941 children were legally available for adoption from foster care in BC, but only 270 found adoptive families during that year. Permanency is the new buzzword in child welfare. Children are consulted about their plan of care more often, and social workers are supposed to take the child's best interests into account, although the choice between family preservation and child safety can be difficult. All of this takes time. Children usually come into foster care with the plan that they will return to their parents. Today there’s more of an emphasis
8 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
on the importance of making a permanent plan than there was 40 years ago. Still, it can take a long time to wade through the paperwork, get the proper orders in place, and work with all the parents—birth, foster, and adoptive—to find a home that honours the cultural, relational, legal, and situational needs of each child.
Support is key Foster parents and adoptive parents are moving together more closely today than they did in the past. Joint education sessions, social events, and ongoing discussions contribute to smoother transitions from foster care to adoption. The new understanding of the importance and urgency of finding permanent homes for foster children is slowly gaining ground, but more resources are needed. Post-adoption supports are still inadequate for many families. Foster parents who want to adopt often struggle because they know the supports they rely on to care for their child will be reduced—often substantially—after adoption. Children rarely come to adoptive parents from their original families; usually, they come via a temporary placement, or a series of placements. Investing more resources in foster care would give children better chances of making healthy transitions into adoption. If we support this process, it will benefit us all. ●
Marion Crook is the author of Thicker Than Blood: Adoptive Parenting in the Modern World and The Face in the Mirror: Teenagers and Adoption.
learn more... Interested in adopting from foster care? • Check out the infographic on page 12 for an overview of the process. • Contact us toll-free at 1-877-ADOPT-07 or at adoptbckids@ bcadoption.com to talk about your adoption options. • Visit www.bcadoption.com/meetthekids to about real kids right here in BC who need adoptive families. • Take the new on-demand Adoption 101 webinar to get the facts on adoption options and processes for BC residents and learn about important issues in adoption (find it online at www.bcadoption.com/civicrm/event/info?id=835).
14 ways to love your child BY TAYLOR WILKINSON Valentine's Day is also a great time to celebrate your love for your child! Here are 14 ways to help your child feel loved on February 14--and every other day. 1. Play with them. Learn more about your children and what they enjoy by spending time with them while they play. Have them explain the video game that they’re playing or get invested in their elaborate world of make-believe. 2. Make up goofy songs for each other. Whether it’s a parody of their favorite pop song or your own improvised musical stylings, immortalize your love for them in song and have a laugh while doing it. 3. Give them hugs, and don’t let go too quickly. Whether they’re leaving for the day, coming home from school, or just hanging out around the house, give your children big hugs. Make a point to say things like "Wow, you give the best hugs! I’ve been waiting for this all day!" Especially in the not-so-good times, it can mean a lot to your child when you put the effort into being affectionate. 4. Have regular family traditions. Plan and schedule a regular tradition with your kids that they enjoy. This can be a board game night, a movie and popcorn night, a themed dinner, or taking an evening walk. Your children will have fun and will also have time to bond with you. 5. Build blanket forts. Your child gets to be playful and creative, and you get the added benefit of playing in a blanket fort (who doesn’t love blanket forts?). 6. Look them in the eyes when talking, and smile. Get down at eye level with them when talking with them, so they know they have your undivided attention. Eye contact helps with attachment, connection, focus, and regulation—for your child, and for you, too!
Physical Touch. Go to www.5lovelanguages.com to learn how to discover which language(s) your child responds to and appreciates the most, and then learn to speak it! 9. Make their favorite meal. Spending time in the kitchen together can be healing for kids who experienced neglect or food insecurity before they joined your family. If they’re old enough, let them cook with you so that they can learn a valuable life skill. At the end, they can enjoy a meal they love and they’ll have more positive memories with you. 10. Give your kids space and respect their limits. Help them feel safe, secure and confident by showing that you appreciate and respect their boundaries. Don’t force them to kiss or hug when they don’t want to. If your child is angry or in a bad mood, reassure them that you love them and take a step back. Let them decompress and wait until they’re feeling better before you try to discuss any issues or behaviour problems. 11. Acknowledge their achievements, both big and small. Celebrate their practice and hard work. Ask them "Wow! How did you do that?" when you see their art skills visibly improving. Display their track and field ribbons or their science fair projects proudly. Make your praise specific and concrete ("I love the colours you used in that painting!" or "You got two more words right on your spelling test this week! You worked so hard."). 12. Love and respect all aspects of your child. If your child is of a different race or culture than you, teach them about their heritage and celebrate these parts of their identity. Appreciate their birth family and refrain from speaking negatively about them. Answer their questions about their adoption honestly and compassionately. Your efforts will help your child feel proud of their history and will show them that they can come to you with any questions or conflicting feelings.
7. Read a book with your child every day. Routines and predictability help adopted kids feel secure, doing enjoyable activities together is great for attachment, and reading expands their minds, their vocabularies, and their hearts. Your child will look forward to spending time with you every day while you explore the wonderful world of books.
13. Talk with your children every day, and listen. Encourage your kids to speak openly with you, and pay attention when they do— even if it’s just about the simple things that happened during their day. Lay with younger children before bedtime and really listen to how they’re feeling.
8. Learn to speak their "love language." Many people are familiar with Dr. Gary Chapman’s idea of the Five Love Languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service and
14. Say "I love you." Sometimes the simplest words are also the best and most important. Make sure your child hears "I love you" every day. After all, as beloved picuter book character Fancy Nancy says, "there isn’t a fancy—or better—way of saying that." ●
VOLUME 26 WINTER 2018 9
Adopted voice
In their own words
What adoptees need from their parents BY CATHERINE MOORE The Adopted Voice column was inspired by the #FlipTheScript hashtag campaign, which draws attention to the importance of adoptee voices, especially during Adoption Awareness Month. In this issue, we hear from Catherine Moore, who is both an adoptee and adoptive mother.
Without the safety of adult support to make sense of her feelings and experiences, there was only confusion and a subversion of self—a mind game that left her feeling abandoned and unworthy.
Adoption is our common ground
Only one adopted adult in the group that night had experienced explicit, open, ongoing discussion with her adoptive parents that allowed her to explore her natural curiosity about her adoptive status. For her, asking her parents about anything felt as natural as breathing, and helped her feel whole and understood. The knowledge that it was ok to be herself and to be curious helped her explore all the questions and feelings that arose throughout her journey from child to adult.
I'm the co-founder of We Are Adopted, a non-profit organization that offers a monthly discussion and support group in Vancouver for adults age 18 and up. We are all adopted; some of us have also have experienced foster care; some have arrived in Canada from distant parts of the world; some of us have a significant trauma history; and all of us find common ground, despite differences in age, race, background, cultural identity and affiliation, sexual and other orientations. Somewhere along the line each of us has stumbled upon the fact that being adopted has impacted us significantly. One of our recent discussions was about how our adoptive parents assisted or hindered us in coming to terms with our adoptive status and the reality of belonging to two families. In this article, I want to share some insights that came about during that discussion.
Tell us right away The first realization was that it was helpful to have been told early that we were adopted—so early in our lives that we always knew. We know from peer reviewed research that infants and young children retain visceral or "felt-sense" memories of their earliest experiences. While they may not be able to access that knowledge verbally, or understand the stored memories in an intellectual sense, they’re still affected by them. It’s important for parents to give adopted children information that’s congruent with their "felt-sense" memories. Without the truth, adopted children will struggle with incongruous messages that confuse them and make them doubt their ability to discern reality. One member at this meeting wasn’t told of her adoptive status until she was 26. The revelation confirmed what she had guessed at over the years. She also realized the years of not knowing the truth had eroded her trust in herself and in her parents. She had learned to protect her parent’s need for secrecy by essentially lying to herself and dissociating from her own feelings and sense of reality.
10 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Help us feel safe
The rest of us listened to this in amazement as we allowed ourselves to imagine what it would have been like to be understood, and to have had parents who knew what we needed to feel safe. It was an incredible moment of powerful, healing insight. Some of us in that room were adoptive parents as well as adoptees. We instinctively provide that open forum for our children because we know what was missing in our own early experiences.
Encourage our curiosity As a mental health professional, I regularly see clinical levels of anxiety in adopted children and adults. One way to help adopted children deal with the anxiety of complicated feelings is to be genuinely and relentlessly available to their curiosity. Parents who can comfortably attend to their adopted children’s feelings give them a profound gift. They tell them, "You can bring anything to me and I will see it for what it is: a need for security, for understanding and acceptance." That gift of understanding is like a magic balm that erases shame, self doubt, dissociation, anger, and pain. Cultivating and valuing of curiosity helps facilitate communication, and increases trust and security in ourselves and in our children. ●
Learn more about We Are Adopted at www.weareadopted.ca. If you’re an adoptee of any age who’s interested in writing for Adopted Voice, we’d love to hear from you! Reach us at editor@bcadoption.com.
Steps to Adopt BC Kids The adoption process can be daunting, but we can help! Here's a roadmap to help guide you on your adoption journey.
Step one: Get a BCeID You must have an active BCeID before you can apply to adopt through the Adopt BC Kids website. To get one, you must apply online at gov.bc.ca/adoptbckids and have your ID verified at a BC Service Centre in your area.
Step two: Submit an application through Adopt BC Kids website
Step three: Adoption Education Program - Online (AEP-O) The AEP-O helps you learn about caring for adopted children. This program fulfills the legal requirements for adoption education in BC. It takes place over 15 weeks and covers the legal, social, and emotional aspects of adoption. There is a 7 week condensed course for foster parents adopting the child(ren) in their home.
Once your BCeID is active, you can log into the AdoptBCKids website and complete the application to adopt. The website includes a list of required documents and application forms, most of which can be completed online. The website is easy to navigate and will allow you to track your progress from the beginning of your application through to approval to adopt.
Step four: Homestudy Your homestudy will take place over the course of 2–4 months. You and everyone else in your house will meet with your social worker several times to discuss aspects of your childhood and adult life. This evaluation will determine if adoption is right for you, what special needs your family can accommodate, and what number of children would be a good fit for you.
12 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Step five: Getting "matched" with a child Matching is a child-centred process, meaning it is focused on the child, youth, or siblings and their needs. Social workers are trying to find the best family for the child, not the best child for the family. Your social worker will review any possible matches and get in touch with the guardianship worker to see if it could be a good fit. If it is, your social worker will share more details about the child/ youth/sibling group with you. The child or youth’s guardianship worker may also be considering other families as possible matches. You might review more than one possible match at a time, too. Finding a match can happen in a number of ways.
➙
Social worker matches Once your family profile is uploaded to the system, the computer will compare that information to existing child profiles. Any possible matches that come up will be suggested to your social worker. Adoption social workers and guardianship social workers (social workers who work with the children) also meet regularly to discuss families and children on their caseloads and to explore possible matches.
➙
Finding your own match You can look at profiles on the Adopt BC Kids site and flag any that may be a good fit. You can attend in-person matching events where social workers present profiles of children on their caseloads. You can discuss possible matches with your social worker or the child’s Wendy’s Wonderful Kids social worker (if they have one).
Step six: Making a decision If you decide to move forward with a match, the guardianship worker will prepare a proposal package with more information about the child’s health, history, and development. Take as much time as you need to read the proposal and do additional research. Ask your social worker, a physician, or other professional any questions you might have. If you decide this is not a good match, you and your social worker will discuss your decision and you’ll start the matching process again. If you decide to accept the proposal, you will be the only family considered for that child from that point on.
Step seven: Welcoming a child home Once you accept the proposal, the child’s guardianship worker will let the child know a match has been found. A transition schedule of visits will be arranged so you can get to know the child and their routines. The official six-month residency period will begin when the child moves into your home. Your social worker will visit and offer support during this time to help you and your child adjust to being a family.
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What happens next? Once the residency period is complete and your social worker feels confident the placement is working well for everybody, they will send final paperwork to the courts. Sometimes takes a few months to get the stamp of approval from the judge. Once your social worker gets the adoption order, you will be notified and receive the final adoption papers. Congratulations! Your adoption is complete.
VOLUME 26 WINTER 2018 13
“When we share our vulnerablity we create trust, intimacy and connection” - Brene Brown
Catherine Moore M.A., RCC Registered Clinical Counsellor Specializing in adoption issues.
Clinical Counselling Parent Child Therapy Pre-Adoption Consultation PsychED Assessments
Occupational Therapy Mentorship Programs Training for Professionals Adoption Life Story Books
www.achildssong.ca
604-562-8308 | achildssong.services@yahoo.ca
Adoption is a journey... We’ll be with you every step of the way.
Our caring, experienced staff help birth & adoptive parents with their adoption journeys, domestic & international. Take the first step: call toll free 1.866.582.3678 or find out more at www.fsgvadoptionagency.ca A CARF Accredited & BC Licenced Adoption Agency 14 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Training in relational somatic, attachment, mindfulness-based cognitive behavioural therapies. Lived experience as an adoptee and an adoptive mother.
contact@catherinemoore.ca www.catherinemoore.ca
604 368-6374
Everyone has a story
Meet the Ash family BY BRIANNA BRASH-NYBERG There are hundreds of teenagers in foster care who need permanent homes. In this interview Paula*, a mom who’s adopted four youth, shares her journey. all names have been changed to protect the family's privacy.
*
Tell me about your family. I live in a small, coastal town. I’m a single mom. I have seven children: Naomi (27), Tessa (25), Jack (24), Rob (23), Cameron (21), Justin (18), and Blake (17). Rob came to me at 16 as a foster child. He was 18 when I legally adopted him. Tessa is Rob’s biological sister. She was 20 when we met. She is my daughter by choice and I am her mom by her choice. Cameron came into my life when he was 17. I saw his profile on the MCFD adoption site. I asked my worker about him. His worker and I arranged the meeting. We are now choosing to do an adult adoption.
Five ways to foster attachment with teens: tips from Paula
1
Cook for them.
Everyone gets fed. That is the most basic way to look after someone, to say "I care." Kids who’ve gone hungry are so easy to cook for. I remember one time when one of Cameron’s friends was over for dinner. I made the most basic meal, something like salad, corn on the cob, baked potatoes and meatloaf. To him, it was like I’d presented a feast. Here was a table full of food, and he could eat what he wanted.
2
Embrace their friends.
Blake, my youngest, also came to me as a foster kid. He’s been calling us his family for a while, but he just started calling me mom this past summer.
Right now two friends of Cameron’s are staying with me. He started bringing them home to feed them. When you take teens you have to be open to that kind of stuff. With Cameron, if I’d said no to his friends, that would have put up walls between him and I. Accepting his friends is part of accepting him.
Naomi, Jack, and Justin are my biological kids.
Work on your communication.
There’s not a lot about my family that’s not different.
My communication style is to keep talking through the anger, but I’ve learned I have to walk away and let them process. I’ve also learned that if I’m calm and not judgemental, they’ll hear what I’m saying. They may not like it, but they’ll hear it!
How did you end up adopting teenagers? I wanted to adopt a youth who had chosen adoption over aging out on care. I was a foster parent, and that age fit with the kids I had at home at the time.
How did you know that you’d found the right match? I kept coming back to re-read Cameron’s profile. I thought he had really good potential to connect and fit in with the family. We watched a video of him—me and the two boys who lived at home at the time. We walked away and talked about it and they both said, "Yeah." Our first meeting was in the summer of 2014. Our family and his social worker met for lunch, and then the plan was to play it by ear. After lunch
Continued on page 16
Comfort them.
3 4 5
It can be tricky to find your ways to comfort [teenagers]. You want to just sit in a rocking chair and wrap them up in your arms, but you can’t. Instead, I’d touch their back or shoulder, or put my hands in their hair.
Ask them if they feel loved.
I have a kid who went through lots of foster homes and a [failed] adoption. They all said they loved him. What I say is "You know I love you, but do you FEEL loved?" Being loved and feeling loved are two different things.
VOLUME 26 WINTER 2018 15
Meet the Ash family, cont'd Rob and Cameron went out for a smoke and did their male bonding thing, and it was a go from there. From the very beginning, it just felt right.
What happened after that? When I met Cameron he was recovering from addictions and was dealing with legal issues. His feeling was "this is really cool and I really want a family but I don’t know if I’m ready to move away from the Lower Mainland." I said we could work with that.
Before Cameron could move home with you, he commited a crime and was incarcerated. How did you deal with that? In our family dynamic, there isn’t judgement around these things. They’re not deal-breakers. For a teen to grow up in the system, in the big city, and walk away unscathed I think is rare. I had to decide for myself what my boundaries were, and what that meant for me morally. What kind of person did I want to be at the end of the day? If I walk away from this, what message am I sending my other children? If you get in this amount of trouble, you’re done? There was already a connection. We all felt it. Clearly, in my mind, that’s a sign. That’s a ‘meant to be.’
Cameron had just turned 18 and would be in jail for almost two years. How did you build a relationship with him during that time? I came down for court dates and wrote to him in jail, but he wouldn’t let me visit. He didn’t want me to see him that way. When he was released, he was not in an emotional place for family. He needed to work out a lot of his issues. I’d text with him about what was going on at home, silly stuff the boys did. One of my daughters was back in addiction and I was taking care of her child. We talked a lot about that because he needed to understand those things were not deal-breakers in the family.
Mainland to change his life and his headspace. Things moved quickly from there. He came home 13 months ago. We’re now pursuing an adult adoption. He calls me mom, and he’s decided to change his last name.
What supports or resources have been helpful for you? The best support I feel we receive is just acceptance of our family make up. Biology or legal status do not define parent and child or siblings. It’s important to have a neutral person you can vent to who won’t look at your family like you’re a pack of spiders. My best friend is an amazing support. She keeps me calm.
Do you have any advice to share with other families? My best advice would be follow your instincts. If what you learn about a youth feels right and when you meet there’s a connection, don’t give up. ●
learn more... Are you interested in adopting a teen? When most people think about adoption, they think about babies. The truth is, there are hundreds of teens in BC who are waiting for a permanent family. Each year, approximately 25 teens are adopted by BC families. More than 400 youth are still waiting to be adopted. Like all of us, teens need stability, a sense of belonging, and opportunities to develop and grow. Most teens who have been adopted thrive in their new families and say it was the best thing that ever happened to them. Learn more at www.bcadoption.com/teen.
Last summer, he came up to my home for the first time. He liked the quiet and all the outdoor activities. He knew he needed to get out of the Lower
winter highlights Culture and Connection in the Digital Age January 27 (AFABC Burnaby office) This workshop explores the rapidly changing, technology-driven adoption landscape of the 21st century, including social media and consumer DNA tests.
Adopting Teens and Tweens September 21-October 26 (online) This course is a thorough introduction to the joys, challenges, and typical behaviours connected to teen and tween adoptions. It will enable prospective parents to make realistic, well-informed decisions about their capacity and readiness to parent an adopted teen or tween.
For more information and to register, visit www.bcadoption.com/education. 16 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
Johanna Simmons, MA RCC 604-240-0592 johanna@simmonscounselling.ca Areas of specialization
• Attachment • Adoption • Child Play Therapy • Family Counselling • Depression • Parent/Teen Conflict • Self Worth • Stress Management
• Parenting Skills Training • School Issues • Anxiety • Communication • Transitions • EMDR • Child Behaviour
As an adoptive parent and a former teacher, Johanna brings these perspectives into her counselling practice.
Suite 206C -1571 Bellevue Ave., West Vancouver www.simmonscounselling.ca
ARE YOU CONSIDERING ADOPTING? We are a BC Government licensed adoption agency with a limited number of spots available for applicants to adopt from the following countries: Haiti Bulgaria Korea Latvia Thailand USA India Please visit our website www.sunriseadoption.com and follow up with our Managing Director, Delia Ramsbotham, at 604-984-2488 Sunrise Family Services Society 102-171 West Esplanade North Vancouver, BC V7M 3K1 (at the Seabus)
Looking for information on AFABC's events, resources, and supports for adoptive families? It's all online at www.bcadopt.com 24 FOCUS ON ADOPTION
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Join us! The Speak-Out Youth Group is a program provided by the Adoptive Families Association of BC for youth 13 to 24 years old. It’s a group of youth in care, former youth in care, and adoptees. We develop communication materials about teen adoption and permanence, and plan speaking engagements like conferences and workshops. We also have fun social events, guest speakers, and life skills workshops for youth. We usually meet in Burnaby once a month, on Saturdays afternoons. It’s free, and food, bus fare, and honoraria are provided!
AfabcSpeakOutYouthGroup
@speakoutyouth VOLUME 26 WINTER 2018 25