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CAREGIVER SUPPORT
CAREGIVERSUPPORT PROGRAM
Emily, Caregiver Coordinator 406-259-5212
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However Long & Hard the Road: YOUR VICTORY AS A CAREGIVER
By: Emily Jarvis, Adult Resource Alliance
Not long ago, I heard a reference to one of Winston Churchill’s speeches. As I understand it, it was his first after being appointed Prime Minister, during the first year of WWII. To quote Sir Churchill: “We have before us an ordeal of the most grievous kind. We have before us many, many long months of struggle and of suffering… You ask, what is our aim? I can answer in one word: Victory. Victory at all costs – Victory in spite of all terror – Victory, however long and hard the road may be, for without victory there is no survival.” This may seem like an unusual quote to share in an article dedicated to caregivers, but the caregivers in my life are the first people I thought of when I heard this. After all, caregivers are profoundly familiar with battles and loss. They know what it’s like to give everything they’ve got, often to the point of sheer depletion. The price paid is significant, but unlike a nation’s battle, theirs often go unnoticed and underappreciated. And the casualties are many: the loss of a life once known or once imagined, to say nothing of the loss of resources, sleep, time, or sometimes even sanity. They’ve got plenty to overcome, for living your life dedicated to the cause of another is no small pledge. In my opinion, it is an undertaking of greatest worth. With this is mind, I wish to write a message of encouragement to caregivers in the various stages of your journey. In doing so, I make no presumptions that I am authorized to speak on behalf of your personal walk on the long and winding road. But I do believe (and infinitely hope) that words of support, when offered sincerely, can help build a bridge when personal experience cannot. And, at this time, my words are what I can offer.
THE BEGINNING: “VICTORY AT ALL COSTS”
There are moments of quiet contemplation at the beginning of a long journey, where the weight of responsibility is heavy. Surely Winston Churchill felt this way. We wonder if the task that lies before us is possible, and if we have what it takes to rise to such an occasion. As a caregiver, you may find yourself back at the beginning of a long road far more often than not. From you, I’ve learned what dedication means as, day after day, you take that road with no hesitation. From you, I’ve learned what dedication means as you take that road with no hesitation, day after day. I find myself wondering if your definition of “victory” is something closer to just pushing through, and if “victory at all costs” means doing whatever you have to do, even at the cost of yourself. To clarify, victory has several different definitions. It doesn’t just mean an act of defeat, but also includes “achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulties” (another definition found on Google). I do believe that victory is an endeavor. Wherever you’re at in your journey, I invite you to reconsider your definition of victory. I propose that it include not only your dedication to your loved one, but dedication to yourself. “Victory at all costs,” then, takes on a different meaning. Your caregiving journey becomes a quest for growth, which will likely be no easier, but remember, “without victory, there is no survival.”
THE MIDDLE: LET OTHERS WALK WITH YOU
The middle of anyone’s journey requires sustenance. What sustains you on your journey is what matters most, as it contributes a great deal to your victory. Whether battles are large-scale or completely invisible, they
cannot be fought alone. Victory rarely (if ever) comes solely as a result of individual effort. It’s not unusual for caregivers to feel hesitant to reach out. I am certain that any caregiver can provide multiple reasons for this, all of them completely valid. But we are seeing a nation of caregivers who are reporting more stress, strain, and decline in personal health than in years past (see AARP’s national Caregiving Report 2020). There is a clear need for support. There is a clear need for connection. One reason caregivers may hesitate to reach out, particularly when it comes to connecting at support groups, is the belief that no one can relate to their experience. I worry that this perspective not only keeps caregivers from seeking connection, but also contributes to a greater sense of isolation and loneliness. There are no two caregivers who walk the same journey – ever. There may be similarities, but even then, your circumstance is never going to be exactly like someone else’s.
My hope is that you would connect anyway – that you would not just find comfort from another’s journey, but that you would offer comfort to others in theirs. Time and again, I learn a great deal from the caregivers I interact with, despite the stark difference in our journeys. You help me in my walk through life, and give it greater meaning. I would also remind you in the middle of your journey to have patience with yourself. You are doing better than you think you are. The road is long and winding, but take heart. There is help along the way. I invite you to look for ways to make connections, whether that’s through a support group or otherwise. Remember, “however long and hard the road,” your victory matters.
THE END OF THE JOURNEY
Life’s journeys are exciting, painful, rewarding, and disappointing. They are important to us, not just because of the new things we get to see, but also because they allow us to see things differently – in a different way than we had previously. What has caregiving allowed you to see differently? My journey as a caregiver, thus far anyway, taught me about the frailties of life. It has also taught me that my life and my journey are not just my own. Both of these are universal principles that I cannot change. Journeys do end, and we cannot escape without impacting (or being impacted by) others – for better or worse – along the way. At the end of a journey, all that’s left for us to do is contemplate the meaning of it all. In a sense, we’re back to where we started – but instead of contemplating what lies before us, we are left to reflect on what is now behind us. I think meaning is the ultimate victory to be fought for – “Victory at all costs – victory, however long and hard the road.”
CARETIME
Caregiver Support Group
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