This issue attempts to be comedic. Please do not take it seriously. We are nothing compared to The Yowl
avidsonio
December 11, 2024
Kathleen Degnan ‘27 infiltrates MSBG and reveals the joys of boyhood and bikes.
Business as usual. For a Better (ish) Davidson.
Unpacking PTJD with Norman Woolbottom ‘28.
We Can’t Count Volume ????????????
3 4 6 8
YOU’LL NEVER KNOW
The Davidsonian: Well, first of all, as you know, Yik Yak is a very interesting app that we have on campus. We were wondering, do you have Yik Yak? If so, what is your yak karma?
President Hicks: I’m not really Yik Yak active.
The Davidsonian: Okay, follow up, are you familiar with the creatures on Yik Yak that people talk about?
President Hicks: I wish I were familiar with that, but my brain is full of other things for the benefit of Davidson College.
[Editors’ Note: Director of Media Relations Jay Pfeifer sat in on the interview with President Hicks and gave some of his own personal opinions too.]
Jay Pfeifer: I am aware, yes, we [keep President Hicks] blissfully ignorant. It’s better for Doug.
The Davidsonian: Do you have a favorite of the animals? Jay: I guess I’m partial to the groundhog. [Editors’ Note: Little Freak did not respond for comment when asked who his favorite Davidson faculty member was.]
The Davidsonian: So, I don’t know if you’ve noticed the scooter epidemic on campus, particularly from the baseball and football players. Do you think that you would have used a scooter during your time on campus?
President Hicks: You know, it’s pretty hard to go back in time, but I will say I rode my bike around campus a lot. So maybe. Maybe. It’s a definite, hard maybe.
The Davidsonian: How do you feel about the scooters?
President Hicks: Well, when they’re parked well and not blocking entrances or accessibility ramps, I’m all for them.
The Davidsonian: I’d say you’re pretty renowned for your ping pong abilities. Do you think a) you could beat everyone on campus at ping pong? And b) is there a celebrity that you would love to beat in ping pong, or at least play with?
President Hicks: Oh, okay, so I know there [is] at least one student who has beat me a couple of times, so I would say I’m prepared to be second place out of the entire campus. And I’d really like to challenge Rafael Nadal. Rafa just retired, and I think that would be an ideal table tennis match. And he’s got more time on his hands now.
The Davidsonian: So while we’re on the sports theme, are you a fantasy football activist? Or, you know, what would your ideal fantasy football punishment be?
President Hicks: I’m not into fantasy football. I love watching sports, but I don’t really gamble on sports. I, at one point, was in a rotisserie [roto] baseball league, but it was just too hard to keep up with. I think wearing the uniform of another team that you don’t support would be [a good punishment].
The Davidsonian: If you were to live in any fantasy world from any book or TV show, which do you think it would be and why?
President Hicks: I’ll say I would live in The Canterbury Tales so that I could go on a pilgrimage.
The Davidsonian: What would be an ideal celebrity dinner party group that you would have if you could?
President Hicks: Well, we definitely invite Stephen and Ayesha Curry, because they’re awesome. They’re very Davidson. I
think President Obama would be great and Michelle, they’d be great guests. [On the topic of] current people, Rafael Nadal. I’ll say Neil deGrasse Tyson, because he seems really smart and really interesting and seems to apply astrophysics to everything true. So I’ll stick with that.
The Davidsonian: As you know there was a recent poll that swept Davidson at the beginning of the school year: what to name the new Wildcat. We’re dying to know, did you vote for Roary and are you a fan of the name?
President Hicks: I’m a huge fan of Roary. That’s important. I’m not saying who I voted for. [Editors’ Note: It is very suspicious that President Hicks did not reveal who he voted for.]
The Davidsonian: You’ve been granted the title by some students [Claire Haile ‘25] as the “Mona Lisa” of Davidson because you always have a slight smile on your face. Students want to know, what are you smiling about?
President Hicks: [Big laugh and knee slap] I’m smiling out of gratitude that I get to lead my alma mater. And I feel pretty fortunate to get to do that.
The Davidsonian: Speaking of your days at your alma mater before your presidency, what did a typical weekend look like for you at Davidson College? Were you part of any clubs or activities that had a lot going on on the weekends outside of baseball?
President Hicks: Way back when I was student here, I actually enjoyed hanging out with lots of different people. So they’re pretty varied, from Davidson Outdoors to baseball to PAX, which is no longer, it was the co-ed eating house. I don’t understand why students don’t want a co-ed or gender-diverse eating house—still doesn’t make sense to me. Watch movies in the old 900 Room, and I played a lot of ping pong. Bring that theme back around.
The Davidsonian: Switching gears to Davidson Dining Services. Have you ever partaken in Tilapia Tuesday at Commons and if not, or if so, do you have a favorite Commons meal?
President Hicks: Oh, well, I don’t recall partaking in Tilapia Tuesday, but I definitely do like tilapia. My favorite station is Herbs and Spices. So I would say I usually head for the corner. It’s consistently good.
The Davidsonian: If you could make up a class at Davidson—about anything, doesn’t have to be anything academic—what would you want to make? What do you think Davidson is missing from its course roster?
President Hicks: I mean, I’ve always wanted to teach a course called “Baseball, A Civil Religion.” So I’ll just say that.
The Davidsonian: What would that entail?
It would involve looking at sports and the arts and different human activities as ritualistic and, in effect, reverential or spiritual.
The Davidsonian: As you may have seen over the emails, Ben Peake, our co-editor-in-chief, couldn’t make it because of a meeting, but he said he wanted to know if you had any secret handshakes with faculty members on campus.
President Hicks: Oh, secret handshakes, no, but lots of different fist bumps.
The Davidsonian: This was also a question that was submitted by a fan, but will we ever see the return of Doug Mugs on campus? They’re highly requested. [Editors’ Note: This was actually submitted by News Co-Editor Campbell Walker ‘25, who has several Doug Mugs in her apartment.]
President Hicks: They’re quite useful as well. They have lots of uses. I guess I would turn it back to the student body to please let me know, what is Doug Mug the sequel? I’m open to a sequel. Maybe we need a backpack or some kind of picture. What would Doug’s mug go on next? Should it rhyme? So we could have a “Doug Rug” for example. I’m open to suggestions. The Davidsonian: So… thoughts on the song “Teach Me How to Dougie”?
President Hicks: Oh, yeah. I only dougie when the ESPN camera comes on me in Belk Arena. And so that’s been a few times I think I’ve embarrassed myself, and my daughter and my spouse. I was at the women’s basketball game at Ball State and the dance troupe, I think they’re called Code Red, came onto the court and they did “Teach Me How to Dougie.” And I swear to you, I looked around to see if anyone noticed that I was there at Ball State. It turns out it doesn’t matter. I just watched the dancers do the dougie.
As the semester comes to a close, all of us here at The Davidsonian wanted to give some of our loyal contributors the recognition they deserve. We spoke with three article regulars: Abigail Przynosch ‘27, Connor Hines ‘26, and Davis Varnado ‘25 to get an inside look at how they handle the publicity.
Abigail Przynosch ‘27 gave us great input this year on everything from Chick-fil-A to campus community relief efforts. However, one may begin to wonder if all this attention from the press gave Przynosch what some may call a “big head,” so we had to find out for ourselves if this was true. In a recent tellall interview, the star of the SGA Food & Housing Committee revealed her true feelings about The Davidsonian, her future plans for food at Davidson, recent concerns, life after fame, and so much more:
The Davidsonian: What do you really think of The Davidsonian?
Pryznosch: Well, I like The Davidsonian, and Claire and Ben have thanked me on how much I’ve contributed to the newspaper this year. They’re like, “You and your quotes are in it every single week,” but it honestly got me thinking. Do these people have nobody else to interview? But I actually love to be reached out to. It makes me feel important, which I love. It helps fuel my ego.
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1
The Davidsonian: As chair of the Food and Housing Committee, what is your favorite food at Davidson?
Pryznosch: Let’s see… I have to say Commons ice cream. I love Commons ice cream. Yes, I love hand-scooped ice cream. And we have waffle cones. I love the waffle cones.
The Davidsonian: Do you have any big plans for next semester?
Pryznosch: Attacking machine lubricant oil use in Vail Commons.
The Davidsonian: The news of a Chick-fil-A coming to campus was such a big deal. Did it affect you at all?
Pryznosch: Life after the Chick-fil-A announcement was peak. After the announcement went out, me and Connor spent the whole morning scrolling Yik Yak and we just kept reloading it and calling each other and we would screenshot our favorite ones. So I loved the Yik Yak comments. It gave me a little bit of a boost of ego. It was my fifteen minutes of fame. And now I’m always thinking about how I can do better than the Chickfil-A arrival.
The Davidsonian: Do you have any projects in the works so that you can cling to that fame?
Pryznosch: You know, I’m always on the up. Right now, I have a plan to get rid of the Qdoba stench, [assimilate] the Silent 500 into the broader Davidson community, and work on giving SGA members benefits, specifically giving myself first pick on WebTree.
The Davidsonian: Can you tell me a bit more about your plan to unify the Silent 500?
Pryznosch: Of course, we’re going to bring the entire Silent 500 together. If we do this, we need a large venue, so we’re going to have the event in the new football stadium. And we’re only serving Commons ice cream.
After leaving us begging for answers, Hines has finally disclosed his upcoming presidential (or possibly dictatorial?) plans for next semester and his undying love for The Davidsonian (thank you, Mr. President! *salutes*).
The Davidsonian: How do you really feel about The Davidsonian?
Hines: I love The Davidsonian. I read it religiously. I loved the Chick-fil-A article. But I also get a little intimidated by the editors sometimes. [Editors’ Note: He’s intimidated by how cool and talented we all are.] But oh my gosh I just love Claire Kelly. That woman is amazing. I have a good relationship with her. I also love Aidan Marks.
The Davidsonian: Do you ever wish The Davidsonian would leave SGA alone?
Hines: You could say that sometimes, yeah.
The Davidsonian: What is one thing you wish we would interview you about?
Hines: Restaurant recommendations for this area, because I live like fifteen minutes away. I could go on and on about this area in general. The amount of crap I could talk about [the Charlotte metropolitan area]… I mean the interstates, they suck, [and] Charlotte actually isn’t all that great since it feels very millennial, [there are] a lot of small breweries.
The Davidsonian: As SGA president, everyone has big hopes for what you’ll do after Davidson. What are your post-grad plans?
Hines: Well, I actually do plan on staying SGA president forever. We’re going to bend the rules a bit. You know they’re actually buying me a chair next semester, like a throne.
The Davidsonian: So like a dictator?
Hines: Well, that word didn’t come out of my mouth…
The Davidsonian: Oh, ok. Well, anyway, your current Vice President Maya Rajeh ‘27 is going abroad next fall. How are you going to find her replacement?
Hines: Well, I actually have an unconventional approach to this. I plan on going on “Love is Blind.” That’s my summer plan. I’m looking for someone who is sensible, a good leader, the works.
The Davidsonian: What if you magically became Doug Hicks for a day? What would your first order of business be?
Hines: First thing would be an overhaul of Commons. Lord knows it needs it.
The Davidsonian: SGA or Union Board?
Hines: I have to say SGA. I am an incredibly uncreative person, so I leave that to Davis [Varnado].
The Davidsonian: Davis said you would choose Union Board over SGA. Thoughts?
Hines: So Davis is a little bit of a liar, and that’s okay. That is okay.
Davis Varnado, Union Board president and mascot wannabe, provided insight into his true feelings about The Davidsonian and clarified his unclear political views.
The Davidsonian: Who is your favorite editor and why?
Varnado: I think my favorite editors have to be Ben, Claire, and Campbell. I see them a lot, and they’re my go-tos. I think Ben Peake is the biggest mystery we have on this campus. I saw him every day last semester, and now he’s gone—I think he’s busy for once—so I do want to see more of him. I’m just gonna say he’s my favorite for now because I hope that will inspire a connection. I’m so lucky to know Campbell and Claire so well and get to actually see them as normal people. I want to see Ben more.
The Davidsonian: Who is your least favorite editor?
Varnado: Is Bilal [Razzak ‘25] still an editor? [Editors’ Note: Thankfully, no.]
The Davidsonian: How do you really feel about The Davidsonian?
Varnado: My biggest gripe with The Davidsonian is that my mother, Christie Varnado, used to be on your mailing list. She used to get The Davidsonian in the mail. She has not received a copy in a very long time. So please include Christie Varnado [this time]. Send her The Davidsonian because she wants to read it. She wants to keep up with what’s going on on her son’s campus, and she can’t do that because of you guys. Thank you.
The Davidsonian: What do you wish we would interview you about?
Varnado: I have to set the record straight here. Claire Kelly lowkey made me sound like a Republican at the Election Party because, I don’t know, I was just very positive about the Election Party in general. I just wanna say that I was really positive about the event—not about the results. So if you can put that in, just let them know I’m not happy with the election results. But thank you for coming to the Election Party and showing community. That’s what I want to say.
The Davidsonian: Do you ever wish we would leave you alone?
Varnado: No, I love feeling important on this campus. If I wasn’t interviewed by you guys, I’d be really upset.
The Davidsonian: Switching gears away from The Davidsonian, if you were a shape of pasta, what type of pasta would you be?
Varnado: Cavatappi all the way.
The Davidsonian: Why?
Varnado: It’s the perfect pasta shape. Cavatappi also seems like a very left-leaning pasta shape. I feel like penne is very Republican. No, maybe penne won’t tell you who they voted for. [Cavatappi] is just a really good one all around. It goes well with marinara sauce, in mac and cheese. It’s very, very versatile.
The Davidsonian: On that same note, are you a plate or a bowl person?
Varnado: Plate.
The Davidsonian: Your pasta goes on a plate?
Varnado: Oh, for sure. You don’t put pasta in a bowl, except when I make my carbone spicy vodka pasta. Pasta belongs on… maybe the plates that have a little bit of a bowl to them, but not a cereal bowl. No, no. My quarter-Italian self does not like that. You put it on a plate. Grow up and put it on a plate.
A young Davis Varnado and Ben Peake, unaware of Davis’s future success on campus and Ben’s future mediocrity.
The Davidsonian: Who do you think the Davidson mascot Roary is?
Varnado: My biggest regret in this life is that I was not a mascot… I’m not a furry. If Claire Kelly’s listening to this, I want her to know I’m not a furry. I never have been. I never will be. However, I think being a mascot would be so fun. I think that’s the dream. It’s a dream. [Editors’ note: Davis Varnado was, in fact, a furry for Halloween. And also, Claire Kelly was temporarily the mascot during the summer of 2024, and Varnado was not.]
After talking with all three of our regulars, it is evident that their constant appearances in The Davidsonian have given them all quite large egos. As seen in the interviews above, it was extremely easy to get them all talking about themselves. They didn’t even bother to ask us any questions about our lives, our opinions on them, or our plans for next semester.
The Davidsonian formally apologizes for the damage that might have been done to these interviewees’ loved ones due to the change in self perception afforded to them by us constantly valuing their opinion. We promise that next semester, some humbling will be done.
(HE/HIM) POLITICS EDITOR
On Monday, The Davidsonian obtained a copy of an extensive report detailing widespread and ongoing corruption among some of the college’s most important student organizations. The report vindicates students’ concerns about a rise in political posturing and authoritarian behaviors from the Student Government Association (SGA), Residence Life Office (RLO), Activities Tax Council (ATC), Center for Political Engagement (CPE), and the Honor Council. The report is too long to reproduce in full, so The Davidsonian has instead decided to summarize it below.
1. SGA intends to run a fraudulent presidential election. If you read the article in the News section of The Davidsonian on the left, first: good job. Second, you may have noticed that some members of SGA intend to run a dictatorship. Well, this has been confirmed by our Politics reporters, as they have revealed how SGA President Connor Hines ‘26 has attempted to try and prove his democratic values. In an interview with The Davidsonian, Hines relayed that he was in fact not a dictator and even had an opponent in the upcoming election named Sconnor Shines ‘26.
“I’ve never heard of anyone named Sconnor Shines, but Connor has definitely been telling us to turn a blind eye to anything weird we may see in the upcoming election and kept chanting ‘stop the steal’ in our last meeting,” said an anonymous first-year SGA senator. “He kept bringing up how we shouldn’t worry about the next SGA election because he has it ‘in the bag,’ and isn’t worried about any other ‘unbelievable schmuck who gets in his way.’”
Hines declined to comment. Sus.
2. Walter Snipes still pulls the strings at RLO. You thought he retired, huh? You thought wrong. Former Assistant Dean of Students and Director of Residence Life Walter Snipes has been secretly living in sub-base Belk, relaying all the freshman drama back to RLO. “Yeah it was really weird when a grown man pulled up to my friend’s pregame on second Belk,” said first-year Megusta Todrink ‘28. “He kept saying how he was ‘one of the cool guys’ and had a ‘really sick’ fake ID he could buy us White Claws with even though he was clearly a full grown man.”
Reporters from The Davidsonian eventually found Dean Snipes curled up in a ball under one of the study tables he turned into a makeshift bed, wearing a Davidson Class of 2028 t-shirt. From that moment on, his scheme was foiled. It is
you read this article, Roary the
memory wipe you
unclear what will happen to Dean Snipes, but likely the Honor Council will determine his fate after this scandal.
3. The Honor Council unfairly punishes students, stifling their academic creativity.
One of the report’s most distressing revelations is that the Honor Council, Davidson’s prized organization, has recently undergone a dramatic shift away from its egalitarian principles, invoking comparisons to the U.S. Supreme Court. Allegations that prosecutors and defense advisors have been collaborating behind the scenes are validated by the report, which identifies a concerted effort to unfairly punish students for being too cool and thinking outside the box.
We reached out to one student who felt their hearing was unfair. “It was really weird, they were just like ‘we talked to the prosecutors and, uh, yer cooked. Might as well plead guilty and start grinding out those transfer applications, bud.’ I didn’t even know how to respond,” Cantcatch Thesehands ‘28 said.
“I’ve used ChatGPT for like all my assignments so far. It’s just really unfair because like I didn’t even use it in the essay my professor thought I did. I just had my mom write it, which is like totally fine, right??” Thesehands said.
4. ATC is run by special interest and dark money groups. Why do certain clubs receive tens of thousands of dollars worth of funding while others receive only a few hundred? The answer may be based less on merit than one would expect.
Students of Davidson, I know these past few months have tested our democratic beliefs, both as a school community and as a nation. In an effort to encourage bipartisanship in these challenging times, I would like to take a minute to tell you about my co-editor-in-chief. It is my understanding that there have been many questions regarding Benjamin Charles Peak(e)’s qualifications for serving as editor-in-chief of The Davidsonian. Obviously, as one of the most important newspapers in North Carolina—and maybe even the world—The Davidsonian holds its editors to high standards. When Ben joined as co-editor-in-chief last spring, I truthfully had no idea how he would contribute to the paper. After all, I did not realize he knew how to talk until the spring of our junior year. However, as I have gotten to know him over the past few months, I quickly learned that Ben is the perfect guy for the job.
Right about now, you may be thinking: who is Silent 500 member Ben Peake again? If you are looking to find Ben, you need not look too far past Armfield Courtyard. Well, actually, you should look a little farther because you will certainly not find him mingling downstairs where students dare to go, but rather to pickleball courts beyond the premises of Davidson College. Ben serves as the fearless founder and leader of the Davidson College Pickleball Club, guiding students to victory in the most middle-aged sport in America. When Ben is not playing this glorified version of ping pong, you can find him breaking ankles (or just his own) against various fraternity brethren in intramural flag football. However, the best place to see Ben in action is in the very place I have had the opportunity to get to know him: The Davidsonian office in Union. Each Tuesday, from the hours of 3:00PM-1:00AM Eastern
Time, you can find Ben meticulously reading every article that our fantastic writers produce. And while I personally find myself ready to punch him by the end of each layout session because he wants to know whether a word in the article we have read eighty times in three days is correct, Ben ensures that the paper is the best it can be each week. I am reknowned for my spelling errors when editing: it is rare for me to type a cohesive, error-free sentence, even with spell check on Google Docs. This is where Ben’s editing abilities shine through, editing articles to perfection and putting my abilities to shame. Although, sometimes Tuesdays get a little weird when his childhood best friend Bilal Razzak ‘25 barges into the office and asks, “Wassup can you bless me real quick?” to which Ben will grumpily reply, “Nah, I’m busy get out,” while reluctantly dapping him up. It is important to note that Ben and Bilal’s high school was called Boys’ Latin—another great quality is that his high school education makes Ben bilingual in a dead, foreign language! While yes, Ben acts like and presents himself as a fourteen-year-old boy on a day-to-day basis, he genuinely cares about giving Davidson the facts when it comes to our local news. Put your doubts at ease, and know that so long as Ben is co-editor-in-chief, he will ensure that the Davidson community receives only the best, most crucial information when it comes to our small but mighty paper. Remember his name when he’s running BuzzFeed one day. No glaze.
- Claire Kelly ‘25
On behalf of Ben Peake
Indeed, the report confirms that clubs with representatives on ATC or the Club Sports Council have received, on average, three times as much funding as unrepresented clubs. The effect is also significant for clubs whose leadership has close connections to representatives.
Obviously, The Davidsonian has never abused its influence to lobby for a bigger budget. Don’t even think about it. But have you noticed WALT has a lot of new equipment this year? “I put in a super reasonable request for Gaelic Sports Club. We weren’t even asking for that much. But when I talked to someone on ATC, they just told me to shut my mouth because WALT wanted to have another DJ,” Nofun Killjoy ‘25 said.
5. CPE actively conspires to suppress conservative voices. Have you ever wondered why your political science classes never seem to have more than two vocal Republicans? Turns out, that may be by design. The report details the results of a sophisticated cyberattack that has allowed CPE operatives to manually ensure conservative students are as spread out among classes as possible.
The report explains, “By ensuring low-density distribution of conservative students, CPE can prevent them from cultivating community and solidarity. In turn, we ensure the Davidson College Republicans will continue to be dominated by extreme voices and hinder their ability to gain traction on campus.”
This operation vindicates conservative students who have long complained about a “liberal bias” throughout the college. These students argue that being forced to defend their views in class constitutes suppression and an attempt to eradicate counter-orthodox thought.
One political science professor gave their own input. “It’s not that I don’t like republicans per se, it’s just that I don’t respect them or ever want to hear them talk in class,” Dr. Snow Flake said. “I also don’t like when students have complained that I grade my liberal students’ papers differently than their more right-leaning peers. Have you ever considered that maybe they’re just dumb as fuck?”
Kelly was
to serve as this year’s editor-in-chief of The Davidsonian, and there was truly no one better for the role. Claire could have easily handled this Herculean task by herself, for she is no mere mortal. However, she decided to take pity on me, granting me co-editor-in-chief status after my one semester stint as the Living Davidson editor. Ten issues later, it is clear that Claire deserves the title of superior co-editor-in-chief. I’ve just been lucky to witness greatness.
For those that do not know, the creation of a new issue of The Davidsonian starts over a week before the print release. Editors will give up part of their Sunday in order to pitch ideas to the rest of the group. Everyone is engaged, excited for the new stories that will fill the pages of our next issue. Well, almost everyone. I can often be found with my computer covering a phone playing Sunday NFL Countdown, complaining about the current state of the Baltimore Ravens (I’ll never forgive them for letting Mike Macdonald go). I will sometimes attempt to lead the meeting, but all of the editors know who is actually in charge in the office. Sunday afternoon, editors will receive articles from their writers and make edits for the upcoming week. Ideally, the editors-inchief would then hit the Google Docs that same night so that writers would have ample time to make changes before Tuesday. Claire does just that, quickly reading each piece and making necessary corrections. She sometimes moves so fast in order to respect the writers’ time that she will spell multiple words wrong in a thank you note at the bottom of the page. As for me? If I manage to make changes before Monday afternoon, I will edit from about 2:00AM-6:00AM, calling into question my mental capacity and time management skills. Throughout this entire process, Claire is constantly (and I mean constantly… like it
never stops) checking in with editors, ensuring that all the work is done and ready for Tuesday. Come to think of it, Claire sends out most of the emails too (which used to include multiple incorrect spellings of Ben Peake). And most of the GroupMe messages. And handles all of the P-Card transactions. Talk about shouldering responsibility.
Tuesday is the big day. Claire and I will be in The Davidsonian office from about 3:00PM1:00AM the next morning, putting together the final copy to be released Wednesday afternoon. Claire has made the office much more lively, complete with string lights that cover one of the computers, forcing the user to constantly move it out of the way in order to be productive. Most of the day involves editing each section after it has been placed into Adobe InDesign, and the work is (finally) split evenly amongst the two of us. Claire’s Adobe InDesign skills are second only to Annabel Groseclose ‘27, our layout editor, and she can often be found helping me with simple actions like text wrap. I, on the other hand, will lecture her on her “unc” status and what common words like aficionado mean. Claire is such a perfectionist that she will often ask me to look over all of her edits in a section. Certainly, it’s a sign of confidence in her own ability. After most of the work is done, Claire will engage in floor time, where she will quite literally lay on the Union carpet in exhaustion. Clearly, she leaves it all on the page.
The choice for better editor-in-chief is obvious. Claire is such a phenomenal editor that I even let her edit this column. Nce jobb, Claire! And thnks for a graat semster.
- Ben Peake ‘25
On behalf of the Claire Kelly
KATHLEEN DEGNAN ‘27
(SHE/HER)
While some might see a group of hooligans, youths, or thieves, I see a group of explorers and adventurers. I won’t lie, I didn’t always have this view of MSBG (Middle School Biker Gang), but as I pondered more, I began to wonder if there is more to them than meets the eye. I had so many questions about this group: Where are their parents? Who is funding these state-of-the-art bikes? What is their goal? Who sent them? With all these unanswered questions, my curiosity grew and I knew I had to get to the bottom of all this. I devised a very well-thought-out plan to infiltrate the group by putting on my best and brightest pair of neon Nike shorts, highest white socks, and finest black t-shirt. And, of course, I couldn’t forget a massive pair of Under Armour sneakers. Next, I needed an interception point. Where was I going to find them? This was easy. I went to the place where I knew they would be: outside Libs. As I aimlessly walked around, it did not take long to hear them blasting “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar.
When they rounded the corner, I started to bop my head to the beat while walking with a certain swag. I nailed the mannerisms, and soon the group leaders stopped and said, “Bro, you know this song? Type shit.” Then, as nonchalantly as possible, I said, “Yeah bro, I’ve been on this for a while.” He responded, “Facts, I’m Jake, what’s your name?” and proceeded to dap me up. I said, “Kyler.” He said, “Kyler, you’re chill, bro.” He turned around and said, “Yo Chuck, get off your ride and go home, Kyler’s coming with us.”
I watched as Chuck—looking quite defeated—got off his bike and walked it over to me before sulking away. For the rest of the day, we rode around, tearing up the Davidson College campus. I must have made a
Agood impression because by the end of the day, Jake, the group leader, put me in their Snapchat group chat (which Chuck had already been removed from). Clearly, they run quite the cutthroat organization. Jake told me to keep the bike and meet them by milkbread after school the following day before proceeding to dap me up once again.
That night, my Snap had never blown up more. I got hundreds of messages from the group chat, which included pictures of their moms. They were all complaining that she was making them do their homework and they couldn’t play Fortnite. I also got pictures of their dogs shitting in their backyards, many, many feet pictures, lengthy opinions of the new Kendrick album, and much more.
The next day, I met up with all the guys at milkbread and rode around with them. That night, the group chat was blowing up once again. This pattern continued for a week. Each day during this week, I was analyzing them, trying to find answers, taking note of the whereabouts of their parents and how they would speak to each other. Many of the jokes revolved around their basketball coach, Coach Pete, whom they call Coach Yeet because they “yeet” basketballs at him during practice. They consistently refer to his house as Yeetersville, population 1, when they ridicule him for being forty-three and single.
After my first few days with the crew, Jake came up to me as they were about to ride away into the Lake Norman sunset to go back to their respective gated communities. He said that I had to go to the Labyrinth at midnight. He was very cryptic and quiet when he said this. That night, the group chat was silent. I had a weird feeling about what was going to happen. 11:55 PM comes around and I pedal over to the location. When I get there, I see a faint glow coming from the
(SHE/HER)
ll my life, I have known that I possess a deep well of knowledge—one that far surpasses the ordinary human. As I walked into my dorm on Wednesday following another unsuccessful night of Nummit Trivia, no prize sticker in hand, I felt defeated. And yet, the more I reflected on my trivia experience, the more I realized what had really been defeated: the trivia potential within me.
My first qualm with the Nummit Trivia experience is that the environment is not suited for a diligent competitor like myself. Something about the warm lights, calming music, and constant supply of seasonal beverages seems to dull the competitive edge that is so essential to high-level trivia. As a dues-paying member of NPKA (National Pursuit of Knowledge Association, Inc.), I know a competition environment should be exactly sixty-four degrees Fahrenheit, so as to keep players alert and engaged. The room should have either cool LED lighting or be exclusively candlelit, so as to provide either a high-pressure experience or dark academia ambiance. The room should be silent. These standards were blatantly ignored all year—is it any wonder I could not tap into my full genius?
Environment aside, the attitude of participants is shockingly nonchalant. When I compete in an intellectual sport, my passion becomes all-con-
suming. I feel the highs of answering a difficult question perfectly, and oh, how I feel the lows when knowledge slips from my grasp! Apparently, this zeal is not shared by my competitors—I was asked to leave several times after throwing a pitcher at another group in frustration, even though I fetched paper towels to help clean them up afterwards. Surrounded by such uninspiring peers, it is no wonder that my performance sunk to the same level.
Even the content of the questions is disappointing for an informational expert such as myself. This was especially upsetting during the music rounds, which were consistently beneath my taste. Most artists I listen to, critically acclaimed as they are, are fairly underground. I appreciate music for the artistry, the lyricism, the beauty that it is, instead of being swayed by trends like a scrawny tree in a forest of mediocrity. I guess it was my mistake that I expected high-quality music, like Bladee or 2hollis. I would have even settled for an Mk.gee song, although that still would have been insultingly easy for any real music trivia practitioner. I’m not sure whether I will be in attendance at all next semester. Frankly, I might need to take a hiatus from all trivia after it was so polluted for me this semester. Will the joy of random facts ever again light my life? Maybe. Maybe not. As tragic a tale as this is, let my Nummit Trivia journey be a lesson to you, dear reader. If you are a true devotee of high intensity, super legit trivia, stay away
trees. I walk up and they are all standing in a circle, each holding a candle and wearing a long black robe. I see Jake in the middle of the circle, waiting for me to approach him. I walk up and he recites a speech about friendship. He describes the memories that we have made this past week and how much he values my friendship. Genuinely touched, I start to tear up and, to my surprise, so does he. At the end of the speech he said, “I, Pedal, welcome thee to The Order of the Handlebar. Your name from here on out will be Training Wheels.” He lifted up a handlebar and tapped both of my shoulders and then my head. After the ceremony was complete, they started to blast their anthem “Not Like Us,” and Pedal took out a twelve-pack of root beer and handed one out to each boy. We stood in a smaller circle and shotgunned them. After that, we moshed in the middle of the Labyrinth, the epitome of boyhood.
Kathleen Degnan ‘27 is a Motor Vehicle major from Chatham, NJ. She can be reached for comment at kedegnan@davidson.edu.
from the coffee-shop mockery of our sport, lest too the fires of your passions be smothered by the ice cold hydrants of mediocre minds.
Kathleen Pritchartt ‘28 is a Trivia Pursuits major from Nashville, TN. She can be reached for comment at kapritchartt@davidson.edu.
NATHAN STEWART ‘25 (HE/HIM)
SPORTS CO-EDITOR
ALEX THOLE ‘28 (HE/HIM)
SPORTS WRITER
On December 8th, 2024, the College Football Playoff (CFP) committee announced the twelve teams that would compete in hopes of winning a national championship. To the surprise of fans everywhere, the University of Alabama, who earned their lowest end of season ranking since 2007, was excluded from the hunt.
In a surprising turn of events, the usually mature and intelligent Alabama football fanbase, led by SEC loyalist Paul Finebaum and icon Roll Tide Willie, who famously “don’t give a piss ‘bout nothin’ but the Tide,” began a series of violent protests across the state, demanding that the committee resort to a thirteen-team playoff. Worried about CFP committee chair Warde Manuel’s safety, the committee reluctantly agreed to the protestors’ terms and shortly thereafter announced the instatement of an emergency thirteen-team playoff. Because of such an unprecedented action, they decided that it would only be fair to offer every team across the country an equal shot at receiving the final spot. The contest deemed most logical, and that which would garner the best television ratings, was a field goal contest hosted by Pat McAfee, an absolute legend of the sport.
The contest was simple: every school in the country had a randomly-selected student attend the CFP x College GameDay x Cheez-It x Dos Equis x Toyota x Burger King Field Day Extravaganza, where each student would get a singular chance at kicking a fifty-yard field goal to send their team to the prestigious College Football Playoff. Now, we offer our readers a statistic that they likely have not yet heard: roughly twenty-five percent of the Davidson College student body is made up of NCAA Division I athletes
(not to mention the additional handful of students who participate in cheerleading, which is almost a sport in its own right). A young buck by the name of Patrick Ward ‘27 was chosen out of a hat to represent Davidson. Commensurate with the aforementioned stat, Ward happens to be a member of the men’s soccer team. In a pressurized environment, he made the field goal with ease, with every single other participant missing horribly. The committee announced, then, that it would be Davidson who would occupy the thirteenth spot in the playoff, finally able to get redemption after their humiliating loss to Valparaiso.
The decision to allow Davidson to compete in the CFP immediately created huge waves across the sports world. After having announced his resignation, Head Coach Scott Abell came forth and said that “it was never [his] intention to leave Davidson for good” and that “[he] just wanted to play a little prank on the guys to test their resilience.” Coach Abell will continue to coach the Wildcats for the remainder of the season, equipped with some extra star power from the transfer portal. Alabama star Quarterback Jalen Milroe hit the portal and plans to start for Davidson in their first-round matchup. “Yeah, man, I’m, like, super excited to get a chance to lead Denison to victory,” Milroe said. “They just seem like a real motivated group of guys, or whatever. This is the opportunity I’ve always dreamed of, I guess.” Joining Milroe in the backfield will be Ole Miss Running Back Ulysses Bentley IV, who similarly entered the portal to achieve his unlikely dreams of playing football at Davidson College, which, per Coach Abell, was Bentley’s first choice over Ole Miss. “He wanted to play football here real bad, but I guess even more than that he wanted a school that would challenge him in the classroom. Now that a national title is on the line, [Bentley] seems willing to sacrifice his academics and commit fully to the sport.”
Davidson’s improbable path to the pinnacle of college football has infused students and analysts alike with a sense of hope. The unreal amount of excitement buzzing around the
AESPN crew has even resulted in a Benjamin Button-esque transformation for eighty-nine-year-old analyst Lee Corso, who appears to fill with youth and energy whenever he talks about the Wildcats. Several professors across Davidson’s campus cancelled their final exams so students could turn their focus to a much more important moment. The Wildcats are slated to face #12 Clemson in a play-in game (a la March Madness “First Four”), the winner of which will advance to face Texas in the first round of the CFP. Hype has already begun to build amongst Davidson students and players, who believe more than anyone that they have the chops to win a national championship. We wish the best of luck to all the players and coaches as they take on this incredible journey. The Wildcats enter their match against Clemson as ninetyseven-point underdogs.
COLIN DECKER ‘27 (HE/HIM) SPORTS WRITER
s the first round of the 2024 Bad Boy Mowers (yes, that is the official name) Battle 4 Atlantis basketball tournament finished up at the Atlantis resort in The Bahamas, the Davidson men’s basketball team ended the night by being thoroughly pummeled by the University of Arizona Wildcats (Hey, that’s our mascot too! Unless you read www. insidethehall.com’s article where we’re also the Friars. I guess go with whatever mascot speaks to you). But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to before the tournament even started. At the time, Arizona was ranked #24 in the Associated Press (AP) college basketball poll. A daunting but inspiring task for the Wildcats (our Wildcats, that is—gosh, this is confusing) to take on.
You may be thinking, why does the ranking matter? How did we get to this point in the story? What’s so significant? I’m so glad you asked. Here’s a quick explanation of the AP poll for you non-college basketball types out there: A) The AP poll has always been a trusted source for gauging the talent and success of college basketball teams, so just go with it, okay? B) The rankings are based on record, performance, and whose jerseys are the most badass (that last one might not be true). C) The AP poll only goes to twenty-five teams. Why? Don’t ask me, I’m just a sportswriter. Considering everything we’ve just learned, Arizona being ranked #24 out of the twenty-five best teams in the nation is pretty impressive. Unfortunately for us, they played like it, too.
So, with that loss, the ‘Cats were eliminated from the firstplace bracket but still obligated to play two more games. “I kinda wanted to go on the shark slide again,” one Davidson player said.
“The lazy river here is pretty great, and so is the fried conch,” another another. Alas, the show goes on. As it happened, the next game was against the Providence Friars (because “Wildcats” was already taken), who were unranked in the AP poll but were ranked seventy-something in the KenPom.com metrics (just look it up) at the time. Not bad for the KenPom (you’ll have to take my word on that)! Thanks to twenty-two points from Connor Kochera ‘25, Davidson picked up a nice eleven-point win.
The team had punched its ticket to the fifth-place game. Spirits were high. That was until they checked the bracket and saw, to their horror, that the next team up was the University of Gonzaga Bulldogs.
Why would this induce horror? Wow, you are just full of questions today. Let’s back up to the beginning of the tournament, when Gonzaga had a lot going for it: it was #3 in the AP poll (remember that thing?), Hall of Fame Head Coach Mark Few was still at the helm, and they were favored to win the whole event. Their first-round matchup was against the unranked West Virginia Mountaineers.
“We figured it’d be a blowout,” West Virginia player Balin DaBasket said. “I thought we had no chance whatsoever. I mean, it’s Gonzaga. We almost left early, before we even played the game.”
But, in a shocking turn of events, something genuinely no one saw coming, Gonzaga fell at the hands of this clearly overconfident Mountaineers team in overtime.
“We really dropped the ball,” Coach Few said, the irony of his statement lost on him. Since at that point his team had already done each of the waterslides at the resort twice, the Bulldogs figured they could kill time by playing a few more games, even if it meant lowering themselves down to play with the ruffians in the losers’ bracket. After easily downing Indiana, they were slated to face our hometown heroes.
Battle 4 Atlantis Team Mascots Ranked by How Likely They Are to Make a Young Child Cry
Unfortunately for Davidson, they were punching a little above their weight class this time. Gonzaga knocked Davidson out of their shoes (this is only a half-joke because Roberts Blums ‘28 literally lost both of his shoes on one possession and kept playing—it was nuts), with the final score tallying 90-65.
After the game, Coach Few was unavailable for comment, as he was on the way to his swimming with the stingrays appointment.
On the plane ride home, Davidson players began to speculate what they could’ve done to offend the universe to garner such rotten luck. I mean, really take a second and think about it. You lose to Arizona, understandable, you’re headed to the losers’ bracket. You expect to play someone like Providence, that’s doable. But Gonzaga?? In the losers’ bracket??? That’s gotta be a once-in-a-million case of bad luck. The Davidson players came to a similar conclusion.
“Has anyone broken a mirror lately?” one player asked.
“We’ll have to start calling ourselves the Davidson Black Cats,” someone from the back of the plane yelled, unhelpfully.
“What i-if the sc-school was b-b-built on an ancient burial g-g-g-ground?” gasped one hysterical player before someone grabbed him and shook him, like one might an etch-a-sketch.
“Get a hold of yourself!”
As the situation on the plane devolved into something not totally unlike that scene from Airplane! [ Editors’ Note: If you don’t get this reference… there isn’t any hope for you], one assistant coach was sitting on crucial information he would only reveal days later.
“I saw it. It was Coach McKillop,” the assistant said, now broken out in a nervous sweat. “They had the ladders out to fix the rims before a game. I told him to just go around, but he… he didn’t listen. He walked right under it. I told him… [uncon-
*Just Google It.
CLARA OTTATI ‘27 (SHE/HER)
JOSIE SWAIN ‘27 (SHE/HER)
Tragedy struck last Tuesday when first-year student Norman Woolbottom ‘28 got sucked into a vortex of denim and belt chains during a Fashion Club event. The calamity occurred during Fashion Club’s first ever attempt to break the world record for biggest pair of jorts. The club created the event in order to squash the anti-jort stigma on campus and increase positive press for their organization. As they worked on crafting their mega-jort, the denim structure tumbled, taking Woolbottom with it. Woolbottom was taken to the hospital to tend to his injuries and was later diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Jorts Disorder (PTJD).
Art Burley ‘28, jorts aficionado, witnessed the catastrophe as he was working on patching the giant pair of jorts together. “It was crazy man,,” Burley stated. “We were working on the jorts, as happy as can be, talking about Clairo’s latest selfie, when all of of a sudden—Whoosh! Norman was gone before we even knew what had happened.”
Fashion Club member Cordelia Stamps ‘25 was disappointed by the occurrence. “All I wanted was the world record. This was really going to put us on the map, but now we have to start all over again from scratch. I wasted 1,667 yards of denim fabric, which was not cheap. Do you know how many limited edition pairs of Sambas I could have bought with that money? Lots!” Stamps exasperated. The club will have to wait a full year before they can attempt the record again.
Reporters from The Davidsonian had the chance to interview Woolbottom during his stay at the hospital. “It all happened so fast.” Woolbottom was visibly emotional. “One second you’re enjoying a nice artistic break from finals and the next… nothing.” Woolbottom recalled the time spent under the denim mountain and not knowing whether he’d
ever be retrieved. “I would try to yell and my mouth would just fill with thrift-store denim. At one point I thought I’d choke to death. I started wondering if I’d ever see my family again.”
During our conversation, a friend of Woolbottom came to visit. Within moments of him entering the room, however, Woolbottom started screaming. The friend, Bill Meowance ‘27, was quick to realize his mistake. “I came in wearing jeans,” he told The Davidsonian later, once everything had calmed down and he had the chance to change into sweatpants. “I mean, they were Temu jeans, so not real denim, but still. Norman’s been struggling with those kinds of triggers. I wasn’t thinking, I feel horrible.”
Woolbottom had to take a few minutes to calm down before resuming the interview. “Obviously I’m still healing,” he explained. “It’s a process.” When asked how he felt about how this may affect his life at Davidson, Woolbottom displayed visible anxiety. “I really love Nummit, but I don’t know how I’ll be able to go there anymore now that I get triggered by jorts.” He has also been considering how he might have to change plans for next semester. “I was thinking
about pledging KSIG next semester, but now I can’t. I mean, it would just be constant triggers.” Woolbottom continued on, “I know no peace anymore. I close my eyes and it’s just jort. I don’t know what to do.”
The Davidsonian also reached out to Fashion Club President Satchel Handbahg ‘26 for comment. “Obviously we feel horrible about the situation,” Handbahg stated. “But there have been some questions. Like, why was he there in the first place? He doesn’t really have the sauce.” While it’s true that Woolbottom is a bit outside of the fashion club’s norm (no visible piercings and a tendency to don polos), the victim-blaming was a bit concerning. Handbahg went far enough to mention that “no one would ever wonder if he was bi. Which, like, is kinda the whole vibe.”
In face of this tragedy, the Davidson community is wondering how Fashion Club could possibly make up for their lack of student safety considerations. The club has pushed for a “Fear of Denim Awareness Week” where students can learn more about the dangers and signs of PTJD and how to avoid it. Woolbottom‘s parents want the organization to pay for his son’s remaining tuition of 3.7 billion dollars. Fashion Club refused to leave further comment.
Clara Ottati ‘27 is a Sexy major from Chicago, IL and can be reached for comment at clottati@davidson.edu.
Josie Swain ‘27 is a Ginger Studies major from Atlanta, GA and can be reached for comment at joswain@davidson.edu.
CLARA OTTATI ‘27 (SHE/HER)
JOSIE SWAIN ‘27 (SHE/HER)
Taylor Swift: You have probably tried to dox someone on Twitter because they said “The Tortured Poets Department” was a flop.
Chappell Roan: Congratulations! You’re gay!
Ariana Grande: You spent your semester holding space.
Zach Bryan: You are the most insufferable white guy of all time.
Kendrick Lamar: You are the most insufferable white guy of all time.
Clairo: If you’re a girl or non-binary, you’re cool. If you’re a man, please stay away from us.
Lana Del Rey: Leave that fifty-year-old man ALONE.
Bad Bunny: This is how some of you claim to be bilingual.
Drake: :(
Hamilton Original Broadway Cast: Theatre kid relapsing (hard).
Noah Kahan: You romanticize the Northeast yet chose a southern school. Interesting.
Sabrina Carpenter: You’re Ben Peake.
Del Water Gap / Briston Maroney: Frolics was eight months ago, I think it’s time to let go.
Hozier: He does not want you, bro.
Morgan Wallen: You secretly wish you were a Kappa Kappa Gamma at Ole Miss, alas you are here.
Pice: You can’t believe you fell in love with a fuckin’ ho. You are also working on your penmanship.
Love <3,
Your Arts and Entertainment Co-Editors (who both had “Casual” as their most listened to song of 2024)
Tell Us How Your Finals Are Going and We’ll Predict Your
Oh how the turntables turn. While this semester might have been going smoothly for you, it’s about to take a turn for the worse. You’re not on a downhill slide, you’re on a downhill free fall to your doom—that is, until next Tuesday. Let us know how on top of (or behind on) your finals you are, and we’ll predict what your winter break will look like.
How often do you go to Libs?
A - The what?
B - I only go there for group projects, but this finals week I’ve been in there a lot to grind and lock in.
C - I go there pretty often, but I’ve been avoiding it recently now that all the athletes have finally decided to show up. Where have you been all semester?
D - I’ve dug out a piece of the wall and carved out a room where I’ve slowly moved in a fridge, toaster oven, and bed so that way I never have to leave (except for when I go to class).
Mostly A’s:
Your winter break will be so chill. You’ll spend your time catching up with your dog, hanging out on the couch, and reconnecting with some hometown baddies.
How many finals do you have left?
A - Oh, that’s what I was forgetting!
B - I’ve done a few parts of one—the group parts—but I’ve still got my individual components to do.
C - Only two reflection papers left. I saved the easy stuff for last.
D - I already finished, but I’m keeping myself busy by getting started on next semester’s assignments.
Mostly B’s:
Pumping iron and making gains is what you’ll be up to. Hopefully you asked for a new cellphone for Christmas to take better mirror selfies.
How many obligations do you have left?
A - None, lol.
B - I have some games, I think. Idk, tbh.
C - One last E-Board meeting and then I’m free as a bird. D - I’m a member of every a cappella group as well as every music ensemble on campus, so I’m not done until the last day of finals somehow.
When do you plan on going back home?
A - I left before this quiz was even created.
B - After the hunting trip with the boys.
C - Before the actual finals period is over. I’m going to finish my finals from my winter home in a small, mountainside ski town.
D - Oh, I’m not going home. I have an internship and a Dean Rusk travel grant. I’ll be moving and grooving the whole break.
Mostly C’s:
Your winter break will be a good time to reset so you can go into next semester with a powerful mindset and a positive attitude. You’ve worked hard and you deserve it.
Mostly D’s: Your winter break will not be restful. You will work, work, and then work some more. Maybe chill out a little bit.
Time Reported Description/Location
12/07/24, 01:36 hrs
12/07/24, 14:00 hrs
Little Freak Assault Qdoba, Very Much Active Ran Over by Scooters Game Changers Field House, Too Afraid to Investigate
12/07/24, 22:40 hrs Alcohol Offenses: Consume by Person Over 30 Armfield, The Glory Days are Over 12/08/24, 22:50 hrs White Elephant Party Turns into Elephant Walk Chambers, Male Student Body Pleased 12/09/24, 00:04 hrs Experiencing Joy on Campus During Finals Everywhere, Christmas Miracle
12/10/24, 21:30 hrs Thought of Funnier Things Union, Not Truly Independent
Charters and Bylaws:
Explored the possibility of purchasing boxed wine with the SGA budget ahead of the rechartering season.
Food and Housing:
Abigail Przynosch ‘27 defends Commons after rat sightings, stating, “If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for us.”
Accessibility and Student Affairs:
In light of the shortage of Airport Shuttle drivers, the committee is advising students to start hitchhiking.
Community Committee:
The committee met with the Middle School Biker Gang for the possibility of a “Code of Irresponsibility” to keep students in line.
Other Updates:
Connor Hines ‘26 claims he pushed for the Chick-fil-A to accommodate his picky eating habits but refused to comment on the alleged insider trader scheme of a million Chick-fil-A points. Vice President Maya Rajeh ‘27 is still wondering when it’s time for her to take over.
Irreverent student journalism since 2004. Castigat Ridendo Mores.
December 11, 2024 yowl.com/finalsweek The It’s Over Issue
Streak Kind of a Long Distance to Run
Page Strava Mule
Bill Belichick Takes UNC Head Coaching Job After Girlfriend is Rejected from Davidson Page Safety Job
Marines Time Recruiting Email for Point in Finals When You Want to Quit Most Page Calendly Link
How to Convince Your Hometown Friend Your Major is Real and Important Over Break Page Use Juxtaposition
Football Head Coach Quiet Quits over Thanksgiving Break
Page Coaches, They’re Just Like Us
Try Doing This Entire Newspaper But Every Single Week Page Not So Easy Now, Huh?
The Editors :(
Note: The Yowl is a satirical supplement to The Davidsonian Hence, nothing in it should be taken as truth.