Love Is NOT Blind - You Are
Cliff Notes
Love Is Not Blind—You Are by Shelly LaVigne
Introduction: Open Your Eyes to the Truth About Love
We often stumble in love, not because love is inherently difficult, but because we fail to see what’s right in front of us. This book challenges the myth of "love is blind" by introducing the 4Cross Love Framework, a revolutionary approach that clarifies human connection's complexities.
The 4Cross Love Framework
The framework identifies four biological positions—North, East, South, and West— each representing distinct worldviews, needs, and behaviors. Understanding these positions helps us navigate relationships with greater self-awareness and empathy, turning confusion into clarity.
Your Love Playbook
This book isn’t just theory—it’s a practical guide to mastering love. From uncovering your position to leveraging the 4Cross Love Checklist, it provides actionable tools for building lasting connections. Whether you’re searching for love, reigniting a spark, or simply seeking deeper self-awareness, this is your roadmap.
A Vision for Love
Love doesn’t have to be a mystery. With open eyes and a deeper understanding of yourself and others, you can win at the game of love—creating relationships that are not only meaningful but transformative.
Takeaway: Love isn’t blind. With the right tools and insights, you can see it clearly, play it skillfully, and enjoy it fully.
Chapter 1 Why Love Feels Like a Game—and
How to Win It
Love can often feel like a challenging game—full of unknowns, unexpected moves, and moments of both triumph and frustration. But what if you could play it like a pro? The secret lies in understanding the "rules" of love and the roles we naturally embody in relationships.
This is where the 4Cross Love Framework comes in—a revolutionary approach that views love not through personality traits but through biological, observable positions. Unlike traditional tools like personality tests, this framework identifies your innate role in the "game of love" based on how you interact with and perceive the world.
The Four Positions in Love
At the heart of the 4Cross Love Framework are four distinct positions:
1.North: Visionaries who thrive on certainty and leadership.
2.East: Adventurers driven by freedom and spontaneity.
3.South: Stabilizers who prioritize harmony and emotional connection.
4.West: Analysts who excel in precision and order.
Each position reflects a biological survival concern and influences how we communicate, connect, and navigate relationships.
Why It’s Different—and Powerful
Unlike a personality test that categorizes preferences, the 4Cross Framework reveals the underlying biological dynamics that govern our actions. It helps us see ourselves and others clearly, cutting through the confusion that often clouds relationships.
By knowing your position, you can: Recognize your strengths and growth areas. Understand your partner’s needs and reactions. Navigate conflict with empathy and precision.
Winning at Love
Love isn’t about chance—it’s about understanding and strategy. When you know your position and how it interacts with others, you gain the clarity to create meaningful, thriving relationships. So, are you ready to uncover your position and master the game of love? Stay tuned as we dive deeper into the 4Cross Love Framework in the chapters ahead. Let’s transform the way you see relationships, one move at a time. Takeaway: Love may feel like a game, but with the 4Cross Love Framework, you’ll have the rules, strategy, and insight to win—not just for yourself but alongside your partner.
Chapter 2 The Visionary North: The Power of Certainty in Love
In the intricate dance of relationships, the North position stands as the visionary — bold, decisive, and unwavering in their pursuit of clarity and purpose. Norths possess an innate ability to lead with logic, focus, and a strong sense of direction, making them reliable and confident partners. However, their strengths can also become obstacles if not tempered by adaptability and emotional flexibility.
Traits of the North: Driven by Certainty
1.Visionary Thinking:
Norths excel at seeing the big picture and charting the path forward. Whether it’s planning for the future or navigating challenges, they provide structure and purpose in relationships.
Example: A North might initiate conversations about long-term goals early in a relationship, ensuring both partners are aligned in their vision for the future.
2.Logical Problem-Solving:
Norths are pragmatic and solutions-oriented, often approaching emotional conflicts with logic rather than raw emotion.
Example: Instead of diving into emotional turmoil during an argument, a North might focus on resolving the core issue and implementing steps to avoid recurrence.
3.Natural Leadership:
Norths naturally gravitate toward leadership roles, both in professional and personal settings. They take charge of situations and are not afraid to make decisions.
Strengths
of
the North in Relationships
Providing Stability: Norths’ certainty can be grounding for their partners, especially in times of uncertainty.
Initiating Action: Their proactive nature ensures that important issues are addressed rather than swept under the rug.
Encouraging Growth: Norths challenge their partners to think bigger and aim higher, often inspiring personal and shared growth.
Challenges of the North: When Certainty Becomes Rigidity
1.Impatience with Ambiguity:
Norths crave clarity and can struggle with situations where answers are not immediately available. This impatience can lead to tension in relationships, especially when their partner needs more time to process decisions or emotions.
2.Tendency Toward Rigidity:
Their drive for order can sometimes manifest as inflexibility, making it hard for them to adapt when things don’t go as planned.
Example: A North might insist on sticking to a pre-determined vacation itinerary, even if their partner wants a more spontaneous experience.
3.Overemphasis on Logic:
While their logical mindset is a strength, it can also hinder emotional connection. Norths may unintentionally dismiss their partner’s feelings if they don’t seem “rational.”
How Norths Can Thrive in Love
1.Embrace Emotional Flexibility:
Recognize that not everything in a relationship can be solved with logic. Make space for your partner’s emotions, even if they don’t align with your own.
Tip: Practice active listening without immediately jumping into problemsolving mode. Sometimes, your partner just needs to feel heard.
2.Balance Certainty with Curiosity:
While certainty is a hallmark of the North, relationships thrive on exploration and adaptability. Allow room for spontaneity and unexpected growth.
Tip: When faced with ambiguity, remind yourself that uncertainty is an opportunity for connection and creativity, not just a problem to solve.
3.Communicate Your Intentions Thoughtfully:
Your leadership can be a gift, but be mindful of how you communicate your vision. Ensure your partner feels included in decision-making rather than directed.
Tip: Use inclusive language like “What do you think about this?” instead of “This is what we’re doing.”
How Partners Can Better Support a North
1.Recognize Their Vision and Leadership
Norths thrive on creating bold ideas and providing direction, but their contributions are often taken for granted. Acknowledging their leadership and visionary thinking helps them feel valued and supported.
Tip: Compliment their ability to think ahead and create solutions, and let them know how their leadership positively impacts your shared goals.
2. Provide Constructive Feedback Without Undermining
Norths value certainty and confidence, so criticism can feel like a personal attack. When offering feedback, focus on constructive and solution-oriented approaches.
Tip: Use phrases like, “I love your idea, and here’s how we could make it even better,” rather than pointing out flaws without offering solutions.
3. Respect Their Need for Independence Norths prefer to take charge and work autonomously, but this doesn’t mean they don’t value support. Giving them space to lead while offering backup when needed fosters trust.
Tip: Let them handle tasks their way but check in with offers like, “Is there anything I can take off your plate?”
By actively supporting a North through acknowledgment, constructive collaboration, and respect for their independence, partners can help them thrive while fostering a balanced and harmonious relationship.
Anecdote: A North and South Navigate Love
Case Study: Rachel (North) and Daniel (South)
Rachel, a classic North, was a driven professional with a clear vision for her life. She valued order, planning, and logical problem-solving. Daniel, her Southpositioned partner, was equally committed to their relationship but approached it with a focus on collaboration and emotional alignment. He was the one who reminded Rachel to slow down, check in with her feelings, and connect with the people involved rather than just the process.
One evening, Rachel planned a structured “date night” to discuss their finances, career goals, and future plans. She had spreadsheets ready and expected a productive meeting. However, Daniel, who cherished quality time and relational connection, felt overwhelmed by the formality. He wanted to use the evening to simply enjoy Rachel’s company without a rigid agenda.
At first, Rachel was frustrated. She felt that Daniel wasn’t taking their future seriously. But as they talked, Daniel gently explained how the structured plan made him feel distant and disconnected. He suggested they dedicate time for serious discussions but also balance it with moments of relaxed connection. Rachel, initially hesitant, agreed to try.
The result? Their partnership grew stronger. Rachel realized that incorporating Daniel’s need for relational connection didn’t detract from their goals — it enhanced them. They started having “connection nights” where they focused on enjoying each other’s company, and Rachel found she could return to their planning sessions with a clearer mind and a fuller heart.
Conclusion: The North’s Journey to Balance
Norths bring invaluable qualities to relationships — vision, stability, and leadership. Yet, their true power lies in their ability to balance certainty with adaptability. By embracing emotional connection, practicing flexibility, and leading with empathy, Norths can foster deep, meaningful partnerships that thrive on both logic and love.
In love, as in life, the North’s greatest strength is their ability to grow and lead not just with their minds but also with their hearts. And when paired with a South, their visionary nature is perfectly complemented by the South’s grounding and emotionally attuned energy, creating a partnership that balances direction with connection.
Chapter 3 The Adventurous East: Freedom Seekers in the Game of Love
The East position is the breath of fresh air in the world of relationships — spontaneous, creative, and endlessly charming. Easts are the dreamers and adventurers, bringing energy, fun, and a love for exploration to their partnerships. They thrive on new experiences and view relationships as a journey, not just a destination. But with their free-spirited nature comes the challenge of maintaining consistency and grounding in love.
Traits of the East: The Creative Spirit
1.Spontaneity and Flexibility
Easts are quick to adapt to new situations and thrive on the thrill of the unexpected. They’re the ones who might propose a last-minute road trip or turn a routine outing into an adventure.
Example: An East might surprise their partner with an unplanned picnic under the stars, bringing joy and excitement to the relationship.
2.Charm and Charisma
Easts are natural storytellers and conversationalists. Their energy draws people in, making them magnetic and engaging partners.
Example: An East can light up a room with their humor and warmth, making even ordinary moments feel extraordinary.
3.Love for Exploration
Whether it’s trying a new restaurant, traveling to a far-off destination, or diving into a creative project, Easts thrive on the new and exciting.
Strengths of the East in Relationships
Infectious Energy: Easts bring vitality and enthusiasm, creating a dynamic and lively partnership.
Creativity in Love: They find unique ways to express affection, making their partners feel valued and appreciated.
Adaptability: Easts roll with the punches, helping relationships navigate unexpected twists and turns with ease.
Challenges of the East: When Freedom Becomes Restlessness
1.Struggle with Commitment
Easts’ love for exploration can make them hesitant to settle down, fearing that commitment might stifle their freedom.
Example: An East might shy away from discussing long-term plans, preferring to “see where things go.”
2.Difficulty with Consistency
Their spontaneous nature can sometimes lead to unpredictability, leaving their partners feeling uncertain about their reliability.
3.Neglecting the Depths
While Easts excel at creating excitement, they may struggle to dive into the deeper, more vulnerable aspects of a relationship.
How Easts Can Thrive in Love
1.Balance Freedom with Stability
Understand that stability doesn’t have to mean losing freedom. Relationships can be a foundation that supports exploration rather than limiting it.
Tip: Commit to regular rituals, like weekly date nights, that provide consistency while still leaving room for spontaneity.
2.Embrace Vulnerability
Take time to connect on a deeper emotional level. Sharing your fears and dreams can strengthen the bond with your partner.
Tip: When you feel the urge to avoid heavy topics, remind yourself that vulnerability is a form of adventure, too.
3.Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Help your partner understand your need for freedom by expressing it in a way that reassures them of your commitment.
Tip: Use phrases like, “I love our time together, and I also need space to recharge so I can bring my best self to us.”
How Partners Can Better Support an East
1.Celebrate Their Adventurous Spirit
Recognize that their love for exploration isn’t a sign of disconnection but a core part of who they are.
Tip: Join them in their adventures! Sharing their excitement can create a strong sense of connection.
2.Provide Gentle Grounding
Encourage them to follow through on commitments in a supportive, noncritical way.
Tip: Frame your suggestions positively, like, “I love how you always make life exciting. Let’s plan this together so we can make it even better.”
3.Avoid Micromanaging
Giving an East too many restrictions or rules can feel suffocating. Instead, set boundaries collaboratively to ensure both partners’ needs are met.
Anecdote: An East and West Navigate Love
Case Study: Alex (East) and Jordan (West)
Alex, a classic East, was bursting with ideas and loved keeping life exciting. She was always the first to suggest a spontaneous weekend getaway or a new hobby for the two of them to try. Jordan, a thoughtful and analytical West, loved Alex’s creativity but sometimes struggled to keep up with the whirlwind of plans. One evening, Alex proposed a last-minute road trip, expecting Jordan to jump on board. Instead, Jordan hesitated, wanting to research routes, check their budget, and consider practicalities. Alex felt frustrated by Jordan’s cautious approach, while Jordan worried that Alex didn’t value his need for preparation. Rather than letting the tension grow, they sat down to talk. Jordan expressed his admiration for Alex’s adventurous spirit but shared how he felt overwhelmed by the lack of planning. Alex admitted she sometimes felt confined by Jordan’s need for structure but understood its value. Together, they found a middle ground. Alex would still plan spontaneous trips, but they agreed on a few “must-haves,” like budgeting and basic planning. Meanwhile, Jordan committed to saying “yes” to more spur-of-the-moment adventures. Over time, their partnership flourished as they learned to balance Alex’s need for freedom with Jordan’s desire for thoughtful preparation.
Conclusion: The East’s Journey to Balance
Easts bring an unmatched vibrancy to relationships, infusing them with creativity, charm, and a zest for life. By balancing their need for freedom with emotional connection and consistency, they can create partnerships that are both exciting and deeply meaningful. For partners of Easts, understanding and celebrating their adventurous spirit while offering gentle grounding can create a dynamic and fulfilling relationship. Together, they can embark on a journey that blends exploration with depth, proving that love itself is the greatest adventure.
Chapter 4 The Harmonious South: Anchors of Emotional Stability
The South position is the heart of stability and emotional intelligence in relationships. Known for their nurturing, dependable, and empathetic nature, Souths excel at creating environments where others feel seen, heard, and supported. They are the anchors of harmony, always striving to maintain peace and balance in their partnerships. However, their deep commitment to others can sometimes lead to challenges, particularly when they struggle to assert themselves or prioritize their own needs.
Traits of the South: The Nurturer
1.Reliability and Dependability
Souths are the steady hands in relationships, always there to support their partners during tough times. They value consistency and work tirelessly to provide stability.
Example: A South might quietly take care of household responsibilities when their partner is overwhelmed, ensuring things run smoothly.
2.Emotional Intelligence
Souths have a natural ability to sense and respond to the emotions of those around them. They offer comfort, understanding, and wise guidance when their loved ones need it most.
Example: A South instinctively knows when their partner is upset, offering a listening ear without needing to be asked.
3.Harmony Seekers
Conflict-averse and peace-loving, Souths work to mediate disagreements and ensure that everyone feels valued and heard.
Strengths of the South in Relationships
Nurturing Partners: Souths prioritize their loved ones' well-being, creating a safe and supportive space for emotional connection. Stability and Security: Their dependable nature helps foster long-term, enduring relationships.
Empathetic Communicators: Souths excel at listening deeply and offering thoughtful responses that strengthen bonds.
Challenges of the South: When Harmony Becomes
1.Difficulty Asserting Themselves
Self-Sacrifice
Souths often avoid conflict and prioritize others’ needs over their own, which can lead to feeling overlooked or taken for granted.
Example: A South might agree to plans they don’t enjoy just to keep their partner happy, even if it leaves them feeling unfulfilled.
2.Fear of Change
Their love for stability can make Souths resistant to growth or new experiences that might disrupt the status quo.
3.Over-Giving
Souths sometimes give so much of themselves that they neglect their own needs, leading to burnout or resentment.
How Souths Can Thrive in Love
1.Learn to Assert Their Needs
Recognize that expressing desires and setting boundaries strengthens relationships rather than harming them.
Tip: Start small by voicing preferences, such as choosing a restaurant or activity, to build confidence in expressing bigger needs.
2.Embrace Change as Growth
Understand that change doesn’t have to threaten stability; it can enhance it.
Tip: Approach new experiences with curiosity, seeing them as opportunities to deepen your bond with your partner.
3.Practice Self-Care
Regularly carve out time to recharge emotionally and physically. When Souths nurture themselves, they can show up even more fully for their relationships.
Tip: Schedule “me time” into your week, whether it’s a solo walk, a hobby, or simply relaxing with a book.
How
Partners Can Better Support a South
1.Acknowledge Their Contributions
Souths often work behind the scenes to maintain harmony and stability. A simple “thank you” or acknowledgment of their efforts goes a long way.
Tip: Show appreciation regularly, whether through words, gestures, or thoughtful surprises.
2.Encourage Their Voice
Create space for the South to share their thoughts and feelings, and make it clear that their input matters.
Tip: Ask open-ended questions like, “What do you think?” or “What would make you happiest in this situation?”
3.Avoid Taking Advantage of Their Nature
Souths may overextend themselves to please their partners, so it’s important to ensure that the relationship feels reciprocal.
Tip: Offer to take on responsibilities or plan activities that focus on the South’s interests and desires.
Anecdote: A South and North Build Balance
Case Study: Emily (South) and Sam (North)
Emily, a classic South, thrived on creating a warm and stable home for her partner, Sam, a goal-oriented North. While Emily loved supporting Sam’s big dreams, she sometimes felt that her own needs took a backseat to his ambitions. One evening, after weeks of helping Sam prepare for a major work presentation, Emily found herself feeling drained. Sam noticed her exhaustion and asked, “What’s wrong?” At first, Emily brushed it off, not wanting to create conflict. But with some encouragement, she admitted that she felt overwhelmed and needed more support.
Sam was surprised but grateful for Emily’s honesty. Together, they came up with a plan: Sam would take on more household responsibilities, and they’d set aside a weekly “date night” focused on Emily’s favorite activities. Emily felt heard and valued, and their relationship deepened as a result. Over time, Emily grew more comfortable expressing her needs, while Sam learned to balance his focus on goals with nurturing their relationship. Their partnership thrived as they embraced each other’s strengths and worked through challenges together.
Conclusion: The South’s Journey to Balance
Souths are the emotional anchors of love, bringing stability, empathy, and harmony to their relationships. By learning to assert their needs and embrace change, they can balance their giving nature with personal growth and fulfillment. For partners of Souths, recognizing their contributions, offering support, and encouraging their voice can foster a deep, mutually fulfilling bond. Together, they can create a relationship that feels as steady and nurturing as the South themselves.
Chapter 5 The Methodical West:
Precision and Dependability in
Love
The West position embodies precision, order, and dependability in relationships. Known for their analytical and detail-oriented nature, Wests excel at creating structure and solving problems with logic and care. Their thoughtful approach often makes them reliable and steadfast partners. However, their quest for order and perfection can sometimes lead to challenges, such as overanalysis or rigidity. Understanding how to balance structure with flexibility is key for Wests to build fulfilling and adaptable relationships.
Traits of the West: The Perfectionist
1.Analytical Thinkers
Wests are driven by logic and data. They prefer to gather facts and consider every angle before making decisions, ensuring their choices are well-informed.
Example: A West might research every detail about a vacation destination before committing to a booking, ensuring the trip meets all expectations.
2.Detail-Oriented and Thorough
Their precision and thoroughness make them exceptional at planning and executing tasks, whether it’s organizing a big project or remembering important dates in a relationship.
Example: A West ensures every aspect of their partner’s birthday celebration is planned perfectly, from the guest list to the dinner menu.
3.Problem-Solvers
Wests thrive in situations where logical thinking and methodical problemsolving are required, bringing clarity and solutions to complex issues.
Strengths of the West in Relationships
Reliability: Wests are dependable and committed, always striving to fulfill their promises and responsibilities.
Practical Support: They offer thoughtful, actionable advice, making them go-to problem-solvers for their partners.
Structured Stability: Wests create environments of order and predictability, offering a sense of security in relationships.
Challenges
of the West: When Logic Overshadows Emotion
1.Overanalysis
Wests can become so focused on details and “getting it right” that they overthink situations, delaying decisions or creating unnecessary stress.
Example: A West might hesitate to make a decision about moving in with their partner, feeling like every factor must be perfectly aligned before taking the next step.
2.Rigidity
Their preference for structure and predictability can make it difficult for Wests to adapt to unexpected changes or embrace spontaneity.
Example: A surprise change in weekend plans might leave a West feeling thrown off and frustrated.
3.Emotional Disconnect
Wests’ logical approach may sometimes overshadow their ability to connect emotionally, making their partners feel unheard or undervalued.
How Wests Can Thrive in Love
1.Embrace Imperfection
Recognize that relationships are not about achieving perfection but about growth and connection.
Tip: Focus on the bigger picture rather than getting lost in the details of every disagreement or decision.
2.Practice Flexibility
Allow room for spontaneity and adaptability, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.
Tip: Start small, like saying yes to an unplanned dinner out, and build comfort with unexpected changes over time.
3.Cultivate Emotional Awareness
Balance logic with empathy by actively listening to your partner’s feelings and validating their emotions.
Tip: Use moments of conflict as opportunities to connect emotionally rather than focusing solely on “fixing” the problem.
How
Partners Can Better Support a West
1.Respect Their Process
Wests thrive on structure and logic, so allow them the time they need to analyze and make decisions.
Tip: Instead of rushing them, ask thoughtful questions that help them streamline their thought process.
2.Encourage Them to Relax
Gently nudge Wests toward embracing spontaneity and stepping out of their comfort zone without overwhelming them.
Tip: Plan low-stakes, unstructured activities like a casual walk or an impromptu movie night.
3.Show Appreciation for Their Efforts
Wests put significant effort into creating stability and solving problems. Recognizing their contributions goes a long way in strengthening your bond.
Tip: Acknowledge their reliability and the thoughtful ways they show care, even in small gestures.
Anecdote: A West and an East Find Balance
Case Study: Michael (West) and Lila (East)
Michael, a quintessential West, thrived on structure and meticulous planning. Lila, an adventurous East, was the complete opposite—spontaneous and freespirited. While their differences occasionally led to friction, they also complemented each other beautifully.
When Lila suggested a last-minute weekend road trip, Michael’s first instinct was to say no. He hadn’t planned for it, and the idea of diving into the unknown made him uneasy. But seeing Lila’s excitement, he decided to step out of his comfort zone.
During the trip, Michael found joy in the unplanned moments, like stumbling upon a charming roadside café and watching the sunset from an unexpected detour. Meanwhile, Lila appreciated Michael’s practicality when he navigated an unexpected car issue with calm precision. Together, they realized that their contrasting approaches—Lila’s spontaneity and Michael’s reliability—helped them create a balance of adventure and stability. Their experience taught Michael to embrace occasional spontaneity and Lila to appreciate the value of planning. Over time, they found a rhythm that allowed them to grow as individuals while strengthening their bond as a couple.
Conclusion:
The West’s Journey to Balance
Wests bring a vital sense of structure, logic, and dependability to relationships. By learning to embrace imperfection and connect emotionally, they can balance their strengths with adaptability and empathy. For partners of Wests, respecting their process, encouraging flexibility, and appreciating their contributions can create a harmonious dynamic that celebrates their unique qualities. Together, Wests and their partners can build relationships rooted in stability and growth.
Chapter 6 Self-Awareness: The Foundation of Winning at Love
Love Starts with You
In the game of love, your first and most important move is knowing yourself. The secret to building meaningful, lasting relationships lies in understanding who you are within the 4Cross Love Framework—and embracing the unique role you play.
Discovering Your Position
The 4Cross Love Framework is based on biological drivers that shape how you communicate, connect, and approach relationships. Whether you are a visionary North, an adventurous East, a nurturing South, or an analytical West, knowing your position provides insight into your natural strengths and the areas where you need growth.
Why Self-Awareness Matters
Self-awareness is more than recognizing your personality traits. It involves identifying your emotional needs, understanding how you react to stress, and becoming aware of how your actions impact others. By doing so, you can: Strengthen your communication and empathy skills. Avoid repeating destructive relationship patterns. Create healthier, more fulfilling connections.
How to Explore Your Position
Here are a few tips to help you discover and embrace your position:
1.Reflect on Your Reactions: How do you respond in moments of conflict or joy?
2.Analyze Your Strengths: What are the qualities that make you stand out in relationships?
3.Identify Growth Areas: Where do you struggle, and how can you improve?
4.Listen to Feedback: Ask trusted friends or family members how they perceive your behavior.
Reflective Questions to Gain Clarity
What drives me in love—certainty, freedom, stability, or order?
How do I communicate my needs to others?
Am I aware of the emotional impact I have on those I love? What areas of personal growth can I focus on to improve my relationships?
Your Journey Starts with You
Winning the game of love doesn’t begin with changing someone else—it begins with understanding and improving yourself. By mastering self-awareness through the 4Cross Framework, you gain the clarity to create stronger, healthier, and more joyful relationships.
Takeaway: Love begins with self-awareness. The better you know yourself, the better your relationships will be. Explore your 4Cross position and use it as a tool to thrive in love.
Chapter 7 The Ultimate Relationship Checklist
What Is the 4Cross Love Checklist?
Relationships can be complicated, but the 4Cross Love Checklist simplifies the process. It’s a step-by-step guide to creating meaningful, lasting connections by addressing six essential elements: Awareness, Attraction, Interests, Values, Communication, and Choice. Whether you're starting a new relationship or strengthening an existing one, this checklist provides clarity and direction. I will go into each checklist point in more detail in the following chapters. The 4Cross Love Checklist
1.Awareness
What it means: Understand yourself (self-awareness) and your partner (positional awareness).
How to apply it: Reflect on your strengths, needs, and areas for growth. Observe how your partner’s 4Cross position influences their behavior.
Example: A North can lead with certainty but needs to balance it with adaptability to connect with a free-spirited East.
2.Attraction
What it means: Recognize the four types of attraction—physical, emotional, intellectual, and positional.
How to apply it: Assess which types of attraction you prioritize and whether they align with your partner’s strengths.
Example: A South may prioritize emotional attraction, appreciating their partner’s ability to create harmony and stability.
3.Interests
What it means: Explore shared hobbies, passions, and motivations.
How to apply it: Identify activities you and your partner enjoy together, while respecting differences.
Example: An East might thrive on spontaneous adventures, while a West might prefer structured plans. Balance is key.
4.Values
What it means: Align on core beliefs and priorities, such as family, honesty, and financial responsibility.
How to apply it: Discuss your values openly and evaluate how they influence long-term compatibility.
Example: A North and a West might bond over shared values of responsibility and leadership.
5. Communication
What it means: Practice open, honest, and empathetic dialogue.
How to apply it: Tailor your communication style to your partner’s position and focus on active listening.
Example: A West may need clear, detailed communication, while an East may value an engaging, lighthearted approach.
6.
Choice
What it means: Make intentional decisions about your relationship based on compatibility and shared goals.
How to apply it: Reflect on whether your relationship aligns with your values and vision for the future.
Example: A South choosing a partner who values emotional stability ensures long-term harmony.
Why Use the Checklist?
The 4Cross Love Checklist isn’t just theory—it’s a practical tool for evaluating relationships and fostering deeper connections. By addressing these six components, you can navigate the complexities of love with clarity and purpose. Put It Into Action
For new relationships: Use the checklist as a guide to assess compatibility. For existing relationships: Identify areas for improvement and focus on growth together.
For personal growth: Reflect on your role in the relationship and how you can support your partner more effectively.
Takeaway: The 4Cross Love Checklist provides a clear roadmap for building and sustaining meaningful relationships. By focusing on Awareness, Attraction, Interests, Values, Communication, and Choice, you can transform your love life into a thriving partnership.
Chapter 8: Why Awareness Is the Key to Thriving in Love
The Power of Awareness in Relationships
Awareness is the foundation of every successful relationship. It’s about understanding yourself and your partner at a deep level. In the 4Cross Love Framework, awareness is divided into two key aspects: self-awareness and positional awareness. Together, they help you build stronger connections and navigate conflicts with empathy.
Self-Awareness: Knowing Yourself
Self-awareness means understanding your emotions, strengths, weaknesses, and how your actions impact others. Within the 4Cross Love Framework, this involves recognizing your biological position—North, East, South, or West—and how it shapes your approach to relationships.
Example: A North might struggle with flexibility because of their need for certainty. Recognizing this can help them communicate better during disagreements.
Positional Awareness: Understanding Your Partner
Positional awareness is about seeing your partner’s perspective through their position. When you understand their needs and drivers, you can tailor your approach to meet them where they are.
Example: An East thrives on freedom and spontaneity. A partner who values structure can avoid frustration by giving them space to express their creativity.
The Consequences of Misaligned Awareness
When awareness is lacking, misunderstandings and conflicts are inevitable. For example:
A North may see an East as unreliable, while the East feels stifled by the North’s rigidity.
A South might overextend themselves to create harmony, leaving them emotionally drained if their partner doesn’t notice or reciprocate. Without awareness, small issues can escalate into bigger problems.
How to Cultivate Awareness
1.Reflect on Yourself: Identify your position and how it influences your behaviors, strengths, and struggles.
2.Observe Your Partner: Pay attention to their reactions, needs, and communication style to understand their position.
3.Ask Questions: Open a dialogue with your partner to explore their feelings, motivations, and perspective.
4.Practice Empathy: Try to see the world through their eyes, even when it feels challenging.
The Benefits of Awareness
Improved Communication: Awareness helps you express yourself clearly and adapt to your partner’s communication style.
Deeper Connection: Understanding each other’s positions fosters trust and intimacy.
Better Conflict Resolution: Awareness reduces misunderstandings and helps de-escalate tension.
Takeaway
Awareness is the key to thriving in love. By understanding yourself and recognizing your partner’s position, you can improve communication, strengthen empathy, and create a relationship that truly works for both of you. Start your awareness journey today and see how it transforms your connection.
Chapter 9 The Four Types of Attraction—and How They Shape Your Relationships
What Is Attraction?
Attraction is the spark that brings people together, but it’s more than just physical chemistry. In the 4Cross Love Framework, attraction is divided into four dimensions: physical, emotional, intellectual, and positional. Each plays a vital role in shaping relationship dynamics, and understanding them can help you build deeper, more balanced connections.
The Four Dimensions of Attraction
1.Physical Attraction
What it is: The immediate, surface-level appeal based on looks, body language, and physical presence.
Why it matters: Physical attraction creates the initial draw in a relationship but isn’t enough to sustain it long-term.
How it varies by position: An East might prioritize energy and vitality, while a West may focus on neatness and composure.
2.Emotional Attraction
What it is: The connection formed through shared feelings, empathy, and vulnerability.
Why it matters: Emotional attraction fosters trust, intimacy, and a sense of being understood.
How it varies by position: A South values emotional attraction deeply, seeking harmony and emotional security, while a North may initially struggle to prioritize emotional connection but can grow in this area.
3.Intellectual Attraction
What it is: The connection that comes from stimulating conversation, shared ideas, and mutual curiosity.
Why it matters: Intellectual attraction keeps a relationship engaging and dynamic.
How it varies by position: A West thrives on thoughtful, detailed discussions, while an East may favor imaginative and free-flowing dialogue.
4. Positional Attraction
What it is: The respect and admiration you feel for someone’s role, purpose, or how they “play their position” in the 4Cross framework. Why it matters: Positional attraction reflects deeper alignment in how partners approach life, values, and decision-making. How it varies by position: A North may be drawn to a partner’s decisiveness, while a South may admire someone’s nurturing and reliability.
Balancing the Dimensions
While each type of attraction is essential, balance is critical for a healthy, longterm relationship. Overemphasizing one dimension—like physical attraction—can lead to short-lived connections, while neglecting others can create emotional or intellectual gaps.
Attraction Through the Lens of 4Cross Positions
North: Drawn to certainty, vision, and decisiveness in their partner.
East: Seeks creativity, spontaneity, and adventurous energy.
South: Values emotional depth, harmony, and dependability.
West: Prioritizes precision, stability, and thoughtful interactions. Understanding your own position helps you recognize what kind of attraction matters most to you—and what your partner may prioritize.
How to Apply These Insights
1.Evaluate Your Priorities: Reflect on which dimensions of attraction are most important to you and why.
2.Understand Your Partner: Pay attention to how your partner expresses and values attraction.
3.Create Balance: Foster growth in areas where your relationship may feel unbalanced (e.g., connecting emotionally if intellectual conversations dominate).
Takeaway
Attraction is multi-dimensional, and each type plays a crucial role in building a lasting relationship. By understanding the four types of attraction and how they align with the 4Cross positions, you can create a relationship that’s deeply fulfilling on every level.
Chapter 10 Shared Interests: The Secret to Long-Lasting Love
Why Shared Interests Matter
Shared interests act as the glue that strengthens relationships. Whether it’s a love of travel, cooking, or volunteering, mutual passions provide opportunities for bonding, collaboration, and joy. However, differing motivations behind these interests can sometimes create friction. Recognizing these dynamics is key to building long-lasting love.
The Role of Interests in Relationships
Creating Connection: Engaging in shared activities builds trust, companionship, and a sense of teamwork.
Navigating Differences: When partners enjoy different hobbies, the challenge is to respect these differences while finding common ground.
Maintaining Growth: Exploring new interests together keeps the relationship fresh and exciting.
4Cross Positions and Interests
Each 4Cross position has unique tendencies and motivations that influence how they approach interests:
North: Focused on mastery and purpose, Norths gravitate toward goaloriented or intellectual hobbies like strategic games or professional growth.
East: Adventurous and spontaneous, Easts enjoy dynamic, high-energy activities like traveling or outdoor sports.
South: Harmony-seekers, Souths often favor activities that nurture relationships, such as family gatherings or community events.
West: Analytical and detail-oriented, Wests prefer structured and precise hobbies, like organizing collections or pursuing technical skills. Understanding how each position connects with their interests can help partners bridge gaps and embrace shared activities.
Potential Friction from Differing Motivations
When partners have different interests or engage in shared activities for different reasons, misunderstandings can arise. For instance:
A North may view a hiking trip as a physical challenge, while an East may see it as an adventure to explore nature.
A South may enjoy baking as a way to nurture loved ones, while a West may focus on perfecting the recipe. By acknowledging and respecting these differences, couples can turn friction into an opportunity for deeper understanding.
Exercises to Uncover Common Interests
1.Create an Interests List: Each partner writes down their favorite hobbies, then compares lists to identify overlaps.
2.Try Something New Together: Explore a new activity that’s unfamiliar to both partners, fostering shared learning and bonding.
3.Discuss Motivations: Talk openly about why you enjoy certain hobbies to uncover deeper emotional or intellectual connections.
Fostering Growth Through Shared Interests
Shared interests don’t always need to come naturally. Taking the time to invest in activities your partner loves—even if they’re outside your comfort zone—shows commitment and care. Similarly, inviting your partner into your world creates opportunities for growth and connection.
Takeaway
Shared interests are a foundation of strong relationships, but it’s important to understand the motivations behind them. By exploring the unique tendencies of each 4Cross position and being open to discovering new activities, you can create a bond that’s vibrant, dynamic, and built to last.
Chapter 11 Why Shared Values Matter More Than You
Think
in Love
The Importance of Shared Values
While attraction and shared interests spark relationships, shared values sustain them. Values shape how you make decisions, navigate challenges, and define success in a partnership. When couples align on core values, they create a solid foundation for long-term compatibility and trust.
What Are Core Values?
Core values are the beliefs and principles that guide your behavior and priorities. In relationships, they influence how you:
Approach family and parenting.
Handle finances and responsibilities.
Communicate and resolve conflicts.
Define success and fulfillment.
Examples of Relationship-Shaping Values
1.Family
Why it matters: Alignment on the importance of family—whether it’s spending time with extended relatives or raising children—helps prevent misunderstandings.
Reflection question: Do we share similar visions for family life?
2.Fiscal Responsibility
Why it matters: Financial habits and goals, such as saving, spending, or investing, are often a major source of conflict if misaligned.
Reflection question: Do we agree on how to manage money and plan for the future?
3.Communication
Why it matters: Values around openness, honesty, and conflict resolution shape how effectively partners connect and problem-solve.
Reflection question: Do we value transparency and approach conflict with empathy?
4.Lifestyle and Growth
Why it matters: Shared priorities in areas like health, career, and personal development ensure both partners grow in the same direction.
Reflection question: Do we support each other’s ambitions and aspirations?
4Cross Positions and Values
Each position in the 4Cross Framework emphasizes different values:
North: Values certainty, leadership, and achieving big-picture goals.
East: Prioritizes freedom, adventure, and self-expression.
South: Focuses on harmony, emotional connection, and nurturing relationships.
West: Emphasizes precision, stability, and tradition.
Understanding your own and your partner’s positional tendencies can help bridge gaps in how you prioritize values.
Questions to Reflect On
To uncover and align your values with your partner’s, consider these questions:
1.What do I value most in life, and why?
2.How do I define success in relationships and personal growth?
3.Do my partner and I agree on our vision for the future?
4.How do we handle differences in priorities or beliefs?
The Impact of Shared Values
When values align, relationships thrive. Shared principles create a sense of security and direction, helping couples navigate challenges with confidence. Even when differences arise, knowing your partner’s core values fosters empathy and compromise.
Takeaway
Shared values are the backbone of a strong relationship. By identifying and aligning on what matters most, you can build a partnership that’s not only fulfilling but resilient in the face of life’s challenges.
Chapter 12 Mastering Communication: The Heart of a Healthy Relationship
Why Communication Is Crucial
In any relationship, communication is the bridge between partners. It’s how we share thoughts, express emotions, and resolve conflicts. When communication falters, misunderstandings and frustration can grow, but mastering it strengthens trust, intimacy, and connection.
The Fundamentals of Effective Communication
1.Active Listening
What it is: Fully focusing on your partner’s words without distractions or assumptions.
Tip: Practice paraphrasing what your partner says to ensure understanding.
Example: “So you’re feeling overwhelmed at work and need more support at home—is that right?”
2.Expressing Needs Clearly
What it is: Stating your feelings and desires directly but kindly.
Tip: Use “I” statements to own your emotions and avoid blame.
Example: “I feel hurt when plans change last-minute because I value predictability.”
3.Resolving Conflicts Constructively
What it is: Approaching disagreements with empathy and a problemsolving mindset.
Tip: Focus on finding solutions rather than assigning fault.
Example: “How can we plan better so we’re both on the same page?”
4Cross Positions and Communication
Each position has a unique communication style and potential challenges: North: Direct and assertive, but may come off as curt or dismissive.
Adaptation: Appreciate their focus on results but encourage patience and dialogue.
East: Enthusiastic and spontaneous, but may struggle with consistency.
Adaptation: Match their energy while gently steering conversations toward resolution.
South: Empathetic and nurturing, but may avoid conflict.
Adaptation: Create a safe space for them to share their true feelings. West: Precise and detail-oriented, but can be overly critical or inflexible.
Adaptation: Respect their need for clarity while encouraging openmindedness.
Tips to Enhance Communication
1.Tailor Your Approach: Adapt your communication style to align with your partner’s 4Cross position.
2.Practice Empathy: Consider your partner’s perspective before responding.
3.Mind Your Tone: Use a calm, respectful tone, especially during disagreements.
4.Be Open to Feedback: Invite constructive criticism and respond without defensiveness.
5.Regular Check-Ins: Schedule time to discuss feelings and issues in a nonconfrontational setting.
The Benefits of Strong Communication
Effective communication helps partners: Build trust and emotional intimacy. Navigate conflicts with understanding and grace. Feel heard, respected, and valued within the relationship.
Takeaway
Communication is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. By mastering active listening, clear expression, and conflict resolution—and adapting to your partner’s communication style—you can deepen your connection and create a bond that thrives through any challenge.
Chapter 13 Making the Right Choice
Love Is a Choice
Choosing the right partner isn’t just about following your heart; it’s about making conscious, intentional decisions. While emotions play a role, balancing them with logic and self-awareness ensures that your choice aligns with your values, goals, and long-term happiness.
The Importance of Conscious Decision-Making
Relationships thrive when built on thoughtful choices rather than impulsive decisions. A deliberate approach helps you: Avoid unhealthy patterns or repeating past mistakes. Align your relationship with your values and priorities. Foster a connection that supports mutual growth and fulfillment.
Balancing Logic and Emotion
Why it’s important: While emotions provide passion and connection, logic ensures stability and compatibility.
Strategy: Ask yourself questions like: Does this person align with my values and life goals? Do I feel emotionally safe and supported in this relationship? Am I attracted to their core qualities, or just caught up in the moment?
How Positional Compatibility Impacts Your Choice
The 4Cross Love Framework reveals how your biological position influences relationship dynamics. Understanding positional compatibility can guide your choices:
North: Needs a partner who appreciates their vision and decisiveness while offering flexibility and support.
East: Benefits from a partner who balances their spontaneity with structure and steadiness.
South: Thrives with a partner who values harmony and nurtures emotional connection.
West: Prefers a partner who respects their precision and reliability while encouraging adaptability.
By identifying your position and understanding your partner’s, you can assess whether your relationship has a strong foundation for success.
Tips for Making the Right Choice
1.Evaluate Long-Term Compatibility
Consider how your partner aligns with your values, goals, and lifestyle.
2.Pay Attention to Red Flags
Be honest about any behaviors or dynamics that may cause issues later.
3.Seek Positional Balance
Reflect on whether your strengths and weaknesses complement your partner’s.
4.Listen to Both Heart and Mind
Emotions provide connection, but logic ensures stability—find a balance.
5.Take Your Time
Rushed decisions often lead to overlooked issues. Allow time to truly understand your partner and relationship.
The Power of Intentional Choices
Intentional decision-making isn’t about finding perfection; it’s about choosing someone who fits your life and helps you grow. A partner who aligns with your values and complements your position will create a relationship that feels both exciting and stable.
Takeaway
Love is a choice—one that shapes your happiness and future. By balancing logic and emotion, understanding positional compatibility, and making intentional decisions, you can choose a partner who brings joy, growth, and long-lasting connection into your life. Choose wisely, and watch your relationship thrive.
Chapter 14 Opposites Attract: How 4Cross Pairings Create Harmony
The Magic of Opposites in Love
“Opposites attract” isn’t just a cliché—it’s a reflection of how different strengths and perspectives complement each other. In the 4Cross Love Framework, positional pairings like North-South and East-West illustrate how opposites can create balance, harmony, and growth in relationships. When these dynamics are understood and embraced, they can lead to thriving partnerships.
Key Positional Pairings and Dynamics
1.North-South
Strengths: North’s visionary leadership pairs well with South’s emotional intelligence and stability. Together, they create a partnership where bold ideas meet nurturing execution.
Challenges: North’s intensity can overwhelm South’s need for harmony. Miscommunication can arise if North pushes too hard or South avoids conflict.
Example: A North inspires the direction of a family project, while a South ensures everyone feels included and valued.
2.East-West
Strengths: East’s adventurous spirit balances West’s meticulous planning. East brings creativity, while West ensures organization and followthrough.
Challenges: East’s spontaneity may clash with West’s need for structure, leading to frustration if compromises aren’t made.
Example: An East envisions an impromptu road trip, while a West organizes the route and budget for a smooth experience.
3.North-East
Strengths: Both thrive on creation and big-picture thinking, fueling innovation and dynamic conversations.
Challenges: Both being on offense and their shared tendency to chase new ideas can result in unfinished projects or lack of focus.
Example: A North and East brainstorm a groundbreaking business idea but need a South or West to execute it.
4. South-West
Strengths: South’s nurturing nature complements West’s precision, creating a partnership built on care and reliability.
Challenges: Both being on defense. West’s critical nature may unintentionally hurt South’s feelings, while South’s reluctance to address issues may frustrate West.
Example: A South soothes family tensions while a West ensures all logistical details are handled.
5. North-West
Strengths: North’s visionary ideas pair well with West’s precision and methodical execution, creating a balance of innovation and practicality.
Challenges: North’s urgency to act can conflict with West’s need for thorough analysis, leading to disagreements over pace and priorities.
Example: A North drives a bold new business initiative, while a West ensures the plan is detailed, risk-assessed, and efficiently implemented.
6. East-South
Strengths: East’s adventurous spirit brings energy and excitement to South’s steady and supportive nature, fostering a dynamic yet balanced partnership.
Challenges: East’s impulsiveness may clash with South’s preference for stability, and South’s reluctance to embrace change can frustrate East.
Example: An East suggests an impromptu weekend getaway, and a South ensures all necessary preparations are made to keep the trip stress-free.
Strengths of Opposite Pairings
Complementary Skills: Opposites bring unique strengths to the table, filling gaps in each other’s capabilities.
Growth Opportunities: Each partner challenges the other to grow, fostering personal and relational development.
Dynamic Balance: Where one partner leads, the other supports, creating a balanced and effective team.
Challenges of Opposites Attracting
While opposites bring balance, they can also create tension if differences aren’t navigated with empathy and understanding. Miscommunication, unmet expectations, and conflicting priorities are common hurdles—but they can be overcome with effort and awareness.
Tips for Navigating Positional Pairings
1.Recognize Each Other’s Strengths: Appreciate how your partner’s position complements yours.
2.Communicate Openly: Address differences in needs and expectations with honesty and patience.
3.Balance Your Roles: Allow each partner to shine in areas where they excel, creating mutual respect.
4.Learn from Each Other: View differences as opportunities to grow and expand your perspective.
Takeaway
Opposite pairings within the 4Cross Framework reveal the power of complementary dynamics. By understanding your partner’s position and embracing your differences, you can create harmony, balance, and a relationship that thrives on shared strengths and mutual growth. Opposites don’t just attract— they complete the picture of love.
Embrace the 4Cross Love Framework
Love Is a Learnable Game
Love doesn’t have to be a mystery or a gamble. The 4Cross Love Framework shows us that love is a dynamic, learnable game—a process of understanding ourselves and others. With this framework, you gain the tools to foster deeper connections, navigate challenges, and create lasting, meaningful relationships.
Key Lessons from the 4Cross Love Framework
1.Self-Awareness is the Starting Point
Knowing your position—North, East, South, or West—is the foundation for personal growth and relational success. Understanding your natural tendencies, strengths, and challenges helps you show up authentically in love.
2.Relationships Thrive on Understanding
Recognizing your partner’s position and their unique perspective fosters empathy, improves communication, and reduces conflict. Love becomes less about compromise and more about collaboration.
3.Balance Is Key
Each position contributes something vital to the "game of love." By embracing differences and leveraging complementary strengths, you can create a harmonious and thriving partnership.
4.Love Is About Choice
Relationships flourish when built on intentional, conscious choices. The 4Cross Framework empowers you to make decisions that align with your values, goals, and long-term happiness.
A Lifelong Tool for Growth and Connection
The 4Cross Love Framework isn’t just for romantic relationships—it’s a guide for all human interaction. Whether in friendships, family dynamics, or professional relationships, applying this knowledge fosters mutual respect, understanding, and teamwork.
A Vision for Love Clarity
With the 4Cross Love Framework, love is no longer a mystery. You have the power to see clearly, act wisely, and love intentionally. This journey is about embracing the process of growth and connection, knowing that every step brings you closer to a fulfilling and joyful partnership.
Takeaway
Love is a game you can win, and the 4Cross Love Framework is your playbook. Embrace it as a lifelong tool for self-awareness, growth, and connection, and watch as your relationships transform into sources of joy, harmony, and clarity. The journey begins with you.
If you have any questions about your position, copy and paste the following questions into an email. Answer all 30 questions as best and as brutally honest as possible (it took me 20 minutes;). Please send them to me at: 4Crosslove@gmail.com. I will identify your position and send you the results along with 50 tips on how to use the 4Crosslove Framework and Checklist effectively.
If you want to dive deeper and get better at the game of love faster, you can find my book ‘Love is NOT Blind You Are’ on Amazon.
All the best in the game of love, Shelly LaVigne 4Crosslove@gmail.com
30 Assessment Q’s
1. What are some things that tend to annoy or frustrate you in your daily interactions?
2. What do you do when a plan you were counting on suddenly falls apart? How do you pivot?
3. How do you decide what’s most important when juggling multiple tasks or responsibilities?
4. When you’re part of a team, what role do you naturally gravitate toward? Why do you think that is?
5. How do you know when something is truly complete or ‘good enough’?
6. What do you think people misunderstand about you the most?
7. When conflict arises, how do you typically respond? Now and when you were younger. What’s your goal in resolving it?
8. What gives you a deep sense of happiness or satisfaction?
9. What role do you dislike playing on a team, and why?
10. What’s something you’re currently working toward, and what motivates you to keep going?
11. When you’re overwhelmed, how do you regain your sense of balance or control?
12. What kind of environment makes you feel the most comfortable and in control?
13. What’s an area in your life where you feel you could grow or improve? Why is that important to you?
14. What are some frustrations you’ve encountered in your relationships (friendships, romantic, or family)?
15. What kind of projects or tasks excite you the most, and why?
16. What does conflict look like for you? Do you avoid it, address it head-on, or handle it differently?
17. If someone doesn’t meet your expectations, how do you handle it?
18. Can you describe a time when you had to make a tough decision? How did you approach it, and what factors guided you?
19. What’s a belief or value that strongly influences how you live your life?
20. What’s something you’ve done that required you to step outside your comfort zone? How did you approach it?
21. What types of activities or moments make you feel most alive and energized?
22. How do you typically react when someone criticizes your work or decisions?
23. When preparing for something like a vacation or big event, what do you focus on? What’s your process?
24. What do you think makes a day feel successful when you look back on it?
25. How do you contribute when you’re working with others toward a shared goal?
26. What’s a dream or goal you’re currently working on, and why is it important to you?
27. What’s a belief or value that guides your daily decisions?
28. What’s something that energizes or inspires you about your work or passions?
29. How do you handle situations where the outcome is unclear?
30. What are some things you value most in your personal or professional life?