COLUMN
30 IS THE NEW 21
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Chris Parker, Comedian fb.com/itschrisparker @chrisparker11
’ve always enjoyed a birthday party. As a kid, My frustration with the celebration is: why it was a guaranteed hotspot for cheerios – my twenty-one? When did we decide that was the favourite snack – although I was always age one was so well rounded and in their prime disappointed thanks to whoever was in charge of that they needed to get family and friends zapping them in the microwave to an acceptable to write a long-winded, half-cooked speech temperature for a six-year-old forgetting to overnight? Besides incurring great student prick them, resulting in a gory, horrific bowl of debt, losing virginities, and the odd driver’s severed human fingers being served. licence, what has one actually done of any As an adult, however, I do feel like there significance by the age of twenty-one? To put has been an overwhelmingly large amount things in perspective, I had just broken up with of importance bestowed upon the revered my first girlfriend the month before my 21st. ‘21st’. Cast your mind back to your third year of So, I would argue we barely even know who we university as 21st season struck very much like are at that age. My solution: can the 21st and a pandemic. Every week a new invite for an old wait a couple of years. I celebrated my 30th high school friend’s big day – often located at birthday last year, and in an existential panic, I a bar in town, a bowling club in the ‘burbs, or decided to go big, really big. I hired an RSA, a the most chaotic... a stayover at the family farm. high school ball photographer (they were very Preloading was essential as no one ever had any cheap), there was a massive bar tab (huge money to their name. Acceptable 21st dresses flex) and of course, drag queens. I look back would be exchanged through the women like at the photos and memories of the night with family heirlooms while the men would buy the no cringe. There were no high school friends one shirt from Tarrocash and pull it out weekend who I barely stay in contact with invited, the after weekend. Then there’s the embarrassing speeches were personal, heartfelt, moving, and speeches, the wall of naked baby photos, the most importantly, I was not pressured to drink pathetic bar tab that lasts one hour, and the an entire yard glass of cheap beer resulting in large over-decorated cake that will never be me bloating and passing out before midnight. eaten nor remembered as everyone is too drunk So, bring on 30th season, I say, and leave your by the time it’s brought out. Tarrocash shirt at home. 70
