22 West Magazine- 2023 Highlights Issue

MAGAZINE STAFF

Jensen Puckett, Editor-in-Chief editorinchief@22westmedia.com

Sofia Carlos, Managing Editor managingeditor@22westmedia.com

Alana Loinaz, Lead Copy Editor copyeditor@22westmedia.com

Caroline Bae, Art Director artdirector@22westmedia.com

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LETTER FROM AN EDITOR

Disclaimer and Publication Information: 22 West Magazine is published using ad money and partial funding provided by the Associated Students, Inc. All Editorials are the opinions of their individual authors, not the magazine, ASI nor LBSU. All students are welcome and encouraged to be a part of the staff. All letters to the editor will be considered for publication. However, LBSU students will have precedence. Please include name and major for all submissions. They are subject to editing and will not be returned. Letters may or may not be edited for grammar, spelling, punctuation, and length. 22 West Magazine will publish anonymous letters, articles, editorials, and illustrations, but must have your name and information attached for our records. Letters to the editor should be no longer than 500 words. 22 West Magazine assumes no responsibility, nor is it liable, for claims of its advertisers. Grievance procedures are available in the Associated Students business office.

Hey, y’all!

Welcome back (or for the first time) to school! I miss Summer already, but I’m so excited to be back in the mag office and for what this year has to bring.

This month’s issue is our highlights issue. It’s a little look into who we are at 22 West and the amazing work contributed by students from the ‘22-’23 school year!! It’s articles and art from all different issues, so we have something for everyone: from silly to serious and poetry, you name it! If you want to contribute any art or written work for the mag, come by the office on the first floor of the USU right across from the pool tables :) Also, feel free to reach out to any of our staff and we’ll help you get started on volunteering! As always live, laugh, love, and such, go sharks, and look for our stands all over campus to pick up a copy <3

Okay bye,

JENSEN PUCKETT EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

I AM NOT YOUR BRO

EXPERIENCES IN SOCIETY PASSING AS A MAN VERSUS AS A WOMAN

WRITTEN BY JUDE SAMPSON

Being born a woman and realizing 18 years into your life that you aren’t one is jarring, to say the least.

It was a lot of confusion, anger and sadness balled up into one, and it began brewing amidst the beginning of a global pandemic. Having to dissect who I was, what my gender was and why I even had to have one in the first place was a battle I had with myself daily.

I fed into stereotypes and gender norms when I was trying to figure all of this out. I assumed that I must be a man since I wasn’t a woman, but calling myself a man didn’t feel right. I figured that because I might be a man I had to quickly gather up a gaggle of boys to call my friends and distance myself from the deep friendships I had with the women in my life.

This all sounds like bullshit, right? That’s because it is. However, it is hard to distance yourself from said bullshit when it’s all you know. We were all born in a world that centers a gender binary. Whether you were raised within it does not matter, because the real world reminds us of it and enforces it every day.

I have never felt as if I fit into the binary, therefore I identify as non-binary. I know most (cis) people think this is a buzzword, but it is a real, legitimate identity (synonymous with sexy and cool). The ‘X’ on my drivers license denotes this, but I would be valid whether it was there or not.

In tandem with this label, I am also transmasculine. This means that while I do not identify as a man, I identify and align myself most with masculinity. I dress masculine; I’ve been letting the hair above my lip grow out, and I have taken up weightlifting to try to broaden my shoulders. I enjoy looking like someone’s big brother in a teen 2000’s movie but just with a softer face and an almost ambiguous voice. I confuse people, and I enjoy it immensely.

However, I do not confuse everyone. Since begin-

ILLUSTRATION BY BEATRIZ DA SILVA MARCH 2023 WOMENS ISSUE

ning my social transition, along with my slight physical one, I find that when people do categorize me in their head, I am seen as a man at least 75% of the time. As much as I would love for people to see me as non-binary, I know this is not possible. Since I present masculine, I don’t mind this categorization.

The locations and scenarios for which I have been seen as a man vary widely. In line at the grocery store, an older woman dropped something and I picked it up for her. She smiled and said, “Thank you, young man.” At my old bagel spot, the guy behind the counter called me boss and gave me fist bump

The key words here are “supposed to”, because I didn’t do any of that shit. I got into verbal fights with people over politics, human rights and the horrible language that was used on my middle and high school campus. To everyone I was the mean, scary lesbian. I still stand by this label because lesbians are the coolest, and sometimes you have to be “scary and mean” to get by.

This is why my transition and passing as a man has been so jarring. The same men who I can guarantee would have been my opposition in middle and high school are now listening intently to what I have to say. When I was a woman, group conversation was my adversary, but now that I am seen as a man, especially a white man, the floor is essentially mine. My words are now thought-provoking, as opposed to something we can “circle back to later”.

every time I was in. In the bathroom at a club, my friends and I gave a stranger the “you’re too good for him” talk and she looked at me like I was insane. Maybe she found it odd a man was telling her how shit men can be. Maybe I enjoy being an oddity to people.

Where my enjoyment of this subsides is the realization I had once I began to pass for a man.

The first 18 years of my life were spent identifying and presenting as a woman. In turn, I experienced what all women do as they grow up and go through the phases of their life. I was catcalled and belittled by men. I was made to feel as if my words and my thoughts were worth less than my male peers. I was supposed to make myself small so that they would feel bigger than me.

As a man, my body is no longer a spectacle. When I am binding my chest and my one-size-too-big clothes drape over my body a certain way, I look… like a dude. When I am physically unable to bind my chest anymore and it protrudes out more than usual is when I feel eyes on me again. Anyone who has ever been leered at knows what having eyes on your body feels like. For me, when those eyes belong to a man who just a few days prior was conversing with me like a “bro,” I feel as if I want to let the air out of someone’s tires.

The old men who come into my work no longer call me “honey” or “sweetie.” They call me “boss.” It does not take me getting up from my chair and showing them my height to assert my power over them. They simply leave me alone and treat me with respect. When I wear earrings is apparently when I morph back into a woman, because the same men who want to fraternize with me one day find themselves looking me up and down the next, attempting to visually take in whatever part of me they can have.

“The same men who want to fraternize with me one day find themselves looking me up and down the next.”

I wish I could sum up all of these thoughts and feelings in a way that resembles a conclusion. If I could put my resentment towards having to live through this to rest, then I would in a heartbeat. It feels impossible, though. Nothing stokes my anger like my life having to revolve around the way people will perceive me and my gender. This anger is offset, however, by the life that I lead.

My life is one that centers women. A life without women is one that I could not continue. The solidarity with women in my own life, the women in media and literature whose words I cry to and the women who I am crossing paths with for the first time is unfathomable. I can cry in front of them and dance until my lungs give out. I also consider myself lucky to fall in love with them. Being loved by women and loving them in return is something I am so privileged to experience, because they have been my biggest allies since I began my transition.

With women, I’ve never had to work for their acceptance. I am simply allowed to be.

REAL ACCESSIBILITY ON CAMPUS

Picture yourself walking to class. In the morning, campus is typically cold and crowded.

Skateboards and scooters ride by, cutting you off and getting a little too close for comfort. You make your way up the ramp from lower campus to upper campus. It somehow gets steeper every morning and you’re more exhausted than you’d like to admit by the time you get to the top.

But you’re not done there. You continue your trek getting misted by the water from the fountain in front of Brotmall Hall. From behind the Go Beach sign, you squeeze yourself between the gap to save a few seconds of walking. You go up the escalator (when it’s working), grateful for the quick rest, before continuing on. You maneuver your way around upper campus- climbing the sets of stairs that liter the campus, fitting yourself through shortcuts and trudging up the hills around the quad. By the time you reach your seat in class 15 minutes later, you’re tired.

Now imagine that you can’t do half these things. You can’t walk the ramp because it’s too steep so you have to find an alternate route around it. There’s no way for you to go up the escalator or stairs by the University Student Union, so you have to wait an extra few minutes for the elevator. You have to avoid all stairs on campus, so the paths take you around the backs of buildings and through hallways you didn’t know existed. This more than doubles your time from the parking lot to class.

After an electric skateboarding accident in September 2022 this is the route that Josh Licata, a 21-year-old junior, had to take when he returned to campus.

“I am patient zero for this injury,” Licata said. “I don’t have a case to follow. If you break your arm, they’ll say you should be recovered by a date. I don’t have that.”

When Licata had his accident he shattered his entire knee joint. During his reconstructive knee surgery, he had eight screws and a plate installed in his leg. Because his surgery was so intense and his recovery was so unpredictable, he spent four

WRITTEN BY GIA KRUPENS

PHOTO BY SUZANNE LICATA

months of his recovery in a wheelchair.

When he began returning to classes again, he quickly noticed how much more difficult it was to get around when he couldn’t do it on his own two feet.

“That main pathway on campus . . . it’s quite a steep incline,” Licata said, referencing the pathway in the quad outside of the science buildings. “I wasn’t able to go up it because it was just too tiresome, so I wouldn’t take the main pathway. I would

APRIL 2023 APRIL SHOWERS ISSUE

or to certain spots on campus.

Licata mentions his friends and family as a huge help to him during his time in a wheelchair, and even now as he continues to recover by using crutches. His mom helped him get to and from school everyday and set up his wheelchair, and his friends were always there when he needed help moving around campus. He makes sure to bring up the kind treatment that he received from Long Beach State’s students around campus.

“One time in the library the elevator was full,” he said. “This one girl saw me and got out of the elevator because it was packed. She was like ‘Here, you can take my spot’ and she took the stairs.”

This instance is just one example of the kindness that Licata felt from students on campus. From doors being held and people being cautious to stay out of their way for him, Licata believes that the students have shown him lots of courtesy and compassion on campus- something that he is very grateful for.

go between the liberal arts buildings and the path in front of the bookstore.”

The Long Beach State campus offers wheelchair accessible pathways, but the walkway that Licata is referring to as ‘too steep’ is one of those. In fact, as he looks at the accessibility map of Long Beach State’s campus, he points out multiple highlighted routes that he would avoid and even a few unhighlighted routes as ones he would take.

He brings up a few more examples of the challenges he faced while on campus. The wheels on his wheelchair would get stuck in the cracks between the sidewalk by the liberal arts buildings. The handicapped accessible door on the front of the Molecular & Life Sciences Center sometimes doesn’t open when the button is clicked, making it impossible for handicapped students to get into the building without help. There were times when Licata would have to phone a friend in order to get inside of a building

Still, campus is littered with paths and hallways that claim to be accessible, yet prove to be a challenge for those who need them most. Case in point, even the Bob Murphy Access Center has stairs in front of it. An “accessible campus” needs to truly be accessible to all students- which is more than just adding the ramps and paths needed for these students, but to do the work to make sure that they are consistently working and are not isolating.

Today, Licata is still in the midst of his recovery process. Though he has a long way to go, he is hopeful about life post-accident. He doesn’t plan to let his accident stop him from skateboarding again in the future.

“You either get back up or you never ride the horse again,” Licata said. “For me, I’m going to get back up.”

“Still, campus is littered with paths and hallways that claim to be accessible, yet prove to be a challenge for those who need them most.”

Amajor gang war between student media associates left three students dead over the weekend, law enforcement officers reported. Among the victims were DIG Magazine editor-in-chief, Vittina Ibanez, 22 West Media video producer, Duy Mai, and a Daily 49er staffer who could not be identified due to extreme facial disfigurement.

Witnesses heard two gunshots near the LA-4 complex. When law enforcement arrived on the scene, the source of the shooting was discovered to be an unaffiliated TPUSA member. While shaking his hand, officers completely missed the purely physical skirmish happening between the three student media gang members in the courtyard mere yards away.

“Cause of death seems to be blunt force trauma,” said UPD officer Kevin Prost. “Though I wish that Turning Point member just shot them all.”

According to law enforcement, the confrontation began when a Daily 49er staffer caught Mai

crossing the boundaries of the Upper West Side Demarcation Zone. Mai was filming content for his 22 West docuseries, Spotlight, on 49er grounds— he was immediately jumped. Ibanez attempted to intervene, as Mai was recently initiated as DIG’s multimedia editor next semester, but was fatally brutalized in the process.

“You should’ve seen it,” said Jensen Puckett, editor-in-chief of 22 West Magazine. “Duy kept screaming ‘Spotlight’ over and over. He put up a good fight though. That 49er didn’t stand a chance.”

Allegedly, Mai was attempting to investigate the self-immolation of collegiate journalist Reyn Ou, who was affiliated with all three publications. Ou had reportedly set themself on fire in front of the University Student Union the week prior as a political statement to protest the profit-driven and transphobic landscape of mainstream journalism.

“It’s just like Reyn to go out so nobly,” said Anthony Lewis, a 22 West Video volunteer. “By

the way, does anyone know what happened to the microwave? I wanted to make my special edition Spider-Man mac n’ cheese. It’s red and blue.”

In an interview with 22 West Magazine lead copy editor, Natalie Comfort, Ou made vitriolic comments criticizing the practices of both the Daily 49er and the Department of Journalism and Public Relations. Mai was said to have suspicions about the true nature of Ou’s death, leading him to trespass on 49er territory to interrogate.

“I mean, I’m not surprised that Duy didn’t buy it— Reyn says a lot of things,” said Sofia Carlos, managing editor at 22 West Magazine. “They’ve always said that they were going to kill themself to make JPR confront what it did to them, but they also wouldn’t stop talking about this ‘Instant Hot Yerb’ idea they had as well.”

Tensions among student media gangs were exacerbated when the three publications had territorial disputes over being the first to break the story. Before first responders could put out the flames on Ou’s body, reporters had already staked out the residence of their partner, Alina Kim, to ask for a quote.

In response, Kim publicly announced that she would not speak to anyone regarding Ou’s death. All publications have been unable to cope with the capital loss of not being able to weaponize a young woman’s grief for a clickable headline.

A DIG representative commented that the campus magazine deserved to break the story first because Ou had served them the longest.

“Shouldn’t that mean something, that Reyn decided to produce content for us the most?” asked the representative. “We could have really used the panache of their death.”

DIG later stated that it had changed its mind about covering the story, as the nature of Ou’s death did not align with its mission as a lifestyle magazine. It will instead publish a roundup story of the best places to self-immolate on campus.

A representative from the Daily 49er argued that it was entitled to Kim’s quote because “any property of that queer Reyn is property of BeachMedia.” There were more comments that the publication gave, but none could be used due to rampant misgendering and queerphobic language when referring to Ou.

Regardless, Kim has specifically refused to work with the campus newspaper. Honoring their

JOURNALISM IS DEAD, AND SO ARE THESE STUDENT MEDIA BASTARDS

A STUDENT MEDIA ‘GANG WAR’ LEFT THREE STUDENTS DEAD, BUT THANK GOD WE STILL HAD SOMEONE LEFT TO REPORT IT

WRITTEN BY REYN OU ILLUSTRATION BY RYAN NIETO

commitment to objective and ethical journalism that accurately represents the interests of the student body, the Daily 49er gave up searching for a relevant source upon the slightest inconvenience and subsequently interviewed President Jane Close Conoley for her thoughts instead to meet the self-imposed deadline for its article.

When reached for comment, 22 West Media responded by saying that the publication had just found out what AP Style was, and thus a news report could never be in the works. Instead, the video branch will create an experimental narrative short called Portrait of a Reyn on Fire. All of 22 West Magazine’s funds will be divested into the production of this short.

“We were originally going to name it Future Ou,” said 22 West Video intern Lance “Movie” DeOlden. “It was just going to be us screaming ‘FUTURE OU’ for three hours. It took me like two months to develop that script.”

When asked about Mai’s death, DeOlden said a

separate commemoration wouldn’t be necessary. “They’re like the same person,” said DeOlden. “Both of them were planning to try this ‘hot Yerba Mate in a can’ recipe Reyn wouldn’t shut up about. We were going to make some for the watch party, but the microwave’s blown up for some reason.”

In a public statement, the Department of Journalism and Public Relations said: “We are deeply impacted by the tragic loss of our JPR students, including Reyn. Reyn’s work was always the most valuable thing about Reyn, and when Reyn took Reyn’s life so soon as one of the only remaining transgender journalists in our department, we all swore due diligence to honor queer students like Reyn and give Reyn the basic human dignity of acknowledging Reyn’s identity.”

When asked why the statement repeatedly used Ou’s name in place of using their pronouns, the JPR department proceeded to deny ever knowing Ou and said that they/them pronouns weren’t grammatically correct anyways.

MAY 2023 GRUNION ISSUE

Despite the violent loss of four students, no publication has made an effort to resolve the conflicts between each other.

“It just doesn’t make sense to me,” said Rachel Livinal, a member of DIG and 22 West Radio. “Why would they even fight about who gets to tell Reyn’s story first when their body is still out there?”

The remains of Ou’s corpse have been outside the University Student Union for five days. No one has come to dispose of it yet due to the ongoing collegiate gang war. It is unclear as to why the task of removing Ou’s body was delegated to student media.

“I think Reyn should be cremated,” said Caroline Smith, a 22 West Video producer. “But that’s just me.”

Editor’s Note: At the time of publishing this article, it has been ruled that Reyn Ou’s death was not a suicide, but in fact a freak accident involving a microwave and a can of Yerba Mate.

THE FUTURE OF THE USU

BY SOFIA CARLOS AND MICHELLE LIN

WRITTEN

ILLUSTRATED BY JULIE DE LEON

APRIL 2023

APRIL SHOWERS ISSUE

The University Student Union has been a fixture of campus life at Long Beach State University for decades. ASI is now looking to upgrade the building through their Future U project. The Future U project aims to renovate and expand the USU as LBSU’s population has outgrown its central hub for campus life and socializing. A main component of the Future U campaign is to include student input throughout the process of planning the new USU.

The Future U project is using the “alternative consultation” process throughout the planning and renovating of the USU. This is in place of a referendum process, which would have required a “yes or no” vote on Future U in order to be passed. According to ASI’s Future U website, the alternative consultation process is designed to “...(1) engage large portions of the student body; (2) educate students on the issues and components of the USU project; and (3) gather information that will shape the improvements to the USU.” So, essentially ASI wants students’ input during the renovation of the USU.

Since the Future U project is centered around student feedback and input, ASI has used different methods for outreach and engagement from students.

“Our engagement goal was 15,000 and our numbers, to date, are 17,816, which includes events and the University Dining Plaza showcase attendance, tabling, presentations, and survey responses,” said Taylor Buhler-Scott, Associate Director of Programs and Communications at ASI. Despite Future U’s outreach efforts not all students

know what the project is. Eduardo, a senior economics major, and Christian Peel, a third-year creative writing major, were both unaware of what the Future U project is.

“I don’t think I’ve heard of Future U,” said Peel. “I couldn’t even tell you if I’ve seen an advertisement on it.”

Peel was asked about the likelihood to take the survey from Future U. He said that he would have possibly taken the survey if it was a survey from his professor but he probably would not have taken the survey if he did not have prior knowledge of it. Students like Eduardo mentioned that they felt as though there were other uses of what the Future U project could have potentially used the money for, in terms of the USU: flushable toilets and faster elevators to start, paper towel dispensers that aren’t broken half of the time, pipes, amongst other things as well. Students had also mentioned, anonymously, that the escalators and its functionality was also a concern they felt needed to be met prior to any large scale renovations by the Future U project. While there is a need for a system upgrade for the University Student Union, a consensus amongst students is that there are simply other things within the USU that need their attention.

Students from lower campus have also stated that they weren’t aware of the USU and its location prior to other students explaining it as a hangout spot. Many expressed their frustration with a tuition fee raise for a building that had not been something that would be an impact on those students that spent most of their school days in the lower half of campus, and rarely, if ever, came to the upper campus. Even for the students who are familiar with the Future U campaign, some hold concerns about the project. “I’m the first one to jump on the bandwagon of these facilities suck and I would like them to be facelifted,’” said Jacob Ingram, a graduate student at LBSU and the general manager at 22 West Radio. “But we don’t know how much a renovation of the union is going to cost, we don’t know how much they’re projecting that the student union fee is going to go up by, we’re not seeing a timeline.”

One of Ingram’s concerns lies with what he feels is a lack of transparency on ASI’s behalf about what the fee increase is going to fund in the new USU. Ingram expressed that he believes ASI does want students to give feedback about what they want but also feels that the project is about raising the USU fee. The USU

fee is a mandatory student fee that contributes to the maintenance of the building, provides programs and services, and pays off the mortgage/debt of the building. This is something he believes will be raised regardless, due to the amount of responses ASI is receiving from attaching incentives to students participating in the Future U campaign events.

As for the USU fee, it is projected to go up by approximately $240-270 when construction is completed. However, the projected fee amount is not exact due to the project concept and design not being finalized yet. How and when the renovations and expansion of the USU will unfold is something that ASI is unsure about as well.

“What the phases will be, what is phase 1, how many phases there are, those are things that are not known at this point in the project because that would be after it’s approved, after we are starting to know

ing as the Future U project showroom. This has left students questioning why this space is not being utilized for food service.

“The infrastructure failures in the UDP make it even more challenging to do food service in that building,” said Buhler-Scott. “The building needs to be demolished and rebuilt to be fully operational” The rebuilding of the UDP would be the expansion aspect when redoing the USU. Additionally, BuhlerScott said the goal is to build more floors on the UDP. It’s important to keep in mind that this is the goal that the current renderings of the new USU show. The renderings on ASI’s Future U website are only projections of what the new building may look like, the actual USU could be very different from what is currently being shown.

“One thing about this process is nothing is final,” said Buhler-Scott. “We are not presenting images and a layout and saying this is it. The final will be what we can do feasibly with the cost and also the footprint that we have.”

exactly what the project will be, exactly what the building will look like,” said Buhler-Scott. “Then we can identify how many phases and what those dates of phases will be.”

Throughout the renovations, ASI is planning for construction to be done in phases to ensure other parts of the building are still operational. This includes Beach Pantry which Buhler-Scott said will still remain open throughout renovations.

One of the motivations behind renovating and expanding the USU are the long lines at the food court. If you’ve been in the USU to get food you know exactly what I’m talking about. There are limited food options and because of this the lines can get very long. The reason behind lack of food places is looming an escalator trip up from the USU, the University Dining Plaza.

Since the pandemic began it was closed for an extended period of time and currently is operat -

Another reason listed on the Future U website to renovate the USU is that infrastructure and major systems are failing. In 2018 ASI did infrastructure improvements on the mechanical and engineering of the building called the MEP project. However, they could not update the plumbing. The MEP project served as a temporary fix to extend the lifespan of certain systems but now those systems’ lifespans have been exceeded. Buhler-Scott also said that sometimes upgrading certain system’s cost might not make sense compared to the cost of a renovation or rebuild.

With all of the feedback from Future U events and surveys, ASI is currently gathering the data and analyzing it to see what students want the most out of the new building. Their goal is to have the analysis complete by April so the project can be finalized by April or May.

So, why should current students who are most likely not going to experience the new USU care? As Ingram said, the notion is to leave the campus better than we found it. We hold the power of influence over the next generation of CSULB students. It’s up to us to voice what we truly want out of the USU. What we say now will determine the type of USU future students get to experience. The future of the USU rests with us.

“How and when the renovations and expansion of the USU will unfold is something that ASI is unsure about as well.”

WE HAVE MUCH TO LEARN

I just try to feel sexy. When I look at the mirror, all I see is a giant grotesque gorging pimple on my belly ready to explode.

The white greasy puss of butter

Instead of veggies

barely holding its stature from the turkey leg— scratch that— the whole fucking turkey.

So let me try to feel sexy in my seat, let my confidence awaken at its peak. But I must cover my chest while I’m at it. Don’t wear so much, but don’t wear too little.

Let them wander from what could be underneath.

But let them see so they can get a glimpse. Prissy Prudy Trudy is not what I want to be known for.

But only a second,

otherwise you’re a whore with a pimple on its belly.

Whorey Tory is not what I want to be known for either.

WRITTEN BY SIERRA JACKSON ILLUSTRATION BY JULIE DE LEON MARCH 2023 WOMENS ISSUE

Wake up at 5am, grease, wash, and shampoo the frizzes. I have to straighten my hair if it becomes an issue. Matter of fact, wear a weave. No one wants to see it nappy.

Nails must be done, not too long, not too short.

Baby pink, not red, not an absurd color of oddness

Don’t wear makeup unless you’re ugly

Rip every piece of hair off my body except from my head

Keep that long to pull and to twirl. Never dye your hair unless it looks boring.

Blondes have more fun, but don’t buy the dye at CVS or Walgreens.

Smile with your teeth unless they’re crooked.

Drink a beer at a party, but nothing more.

Always be with a friend. Put a hand over your cup.

And I don’t dance with strangers.

It’s my fault if something bad happens, so I won’t blame others when I inevitably take another cup of beer, If I leave my friend, and a boy touches my ass.

Don’t eat bacon

Instead, eat your maple muck of misery

Take your role in life and stand in line for your death sentence.

EXPLORING THE DARK CRIMINAL UNDERBELLY OF CAMPUS

It was a Thursday night. I was leaving my evening class, Riddles and Mysteries, where I had been ruthlessly critiqued on my cryptogram and trekking the way back to my car. I had my hands shoved into my pockets as cold Long Beach air bit through my weak windbreaker. My phone was still failing to get any service on campus, so I was trapped listening to “Hey Ya” by Outkast on loop. It’s a good song, but maybe this was not really a “Hey Ya” moment.

The escalators on the side of the USU were still not working from when I watched them break this morning under the weight of students on every step. I carefully shuffle down the steep steps (I have this fear of tumbling down them and then no one’s around to help, so I’d just have to wait there until morning, or until the wolves get me).

I make it down safely–or so I thought–when I see

a group of figures approaching me. They’re far off, but they look much smaller than they should. I hear the tiniest little synchronized snaps, and from the shadows emerges a bunch of possums in the coolest leather jackets you’ve ever seen. The possum in the front seems to be the leader, with a little toothpick in his mouth.

“Who are youse?” the possum asked in a sneaky little voice, gesturing at all of me.

“I’m a third year art major,” I say out of default. “What’s all this then?” I hear from a much gruffer voice behind me. I turn to see a different gang of raccoons in clean pinstripe suits. The lead raccoon is smoking a big fat stogie (or cigar for those not in the know).

“Big Rick,” the possum said to the raccoon, “this here ‘ooo-suu’ is our turf, take you and yours back

WRITTEN BY CAROLINE SMITH

ILLUSTRATION BY TRICIA VU

APRIL 2023

APRIL SHOWERS ISSUE

to the library.”

“I’m sorry to say, Polly,” said Big Rick, “But this ‘ooo-suu’ is under new management.”

I began to wonder if they were talking about the Future U thing, but once they started hissing at each other, I caught on that this wasn’t really discussion time.

They started racing towards each other, and I was still in between them. To me, their scuffle was a cartoonish cloud of critters scratching and biting at each other. I tried to inch away against the wall, but a sudden raccoon doing a sick ass roundhouse hit me and I tumbled over the side of the balcony. The last thing I remember is the critters going “ooooh” and “yikes” and “eugh.”

What I woke up to was more jarring than waking up to a statistics class that’s all of a sudden talking

about what crimes they’ve witnessed on campus. There was a squirrel peering over my face. It’s teeth were horrible and its breath smelled like Sbarro’s. I brushed it off and sat up. I was sitting in the middle of what I can really only describe as a bustling little goblin and creature night market. There were dozens of little stands of creatures selling their wares. Imagine Week of Welcome but the pathways are 80% more walkable.

Now this is where I assumed that I must have been at a seedy, underground night market somewhere under the school because of the things these creatures were selling. In a corner of the market, I saw the old statue of Prospector Pete. His once bronze exterior now withered and greened, and various coats were hanging from his empty form. At a stall run by some sort of rat, there was a car with about one-hundred parking tickets stuffed under its windshield wipers. He was auctioning it off to some little yappy dogs that were apparently leaving for a trip to Minnesota (based on their shirts and luggage tags that were very Minnesota-based). Another, slimy little creature, was selling coupons for Carl’s Jr and Subway saying, “If you’re paying to eat garbage, you might as well get a discount!” There was also that guy that tries to get you to buy a subscription to the LA Times.

I finally got up (before this was just hunched over in a horribly disfigured slouch) and walked over to a booth advertising new stuff. The new stuff

there being tons of Future U standees and vague pamphlets and posters. There was concept art with a diverse student body walking around a big, futuristic building. There I found Big Rick, the raccoon from earlier, smoking a new fat stogie.

“Ahh. You’re awake. Care to make a purchase for this fine Future “Oooh” memorabilia?” he said.

a generic post-apocalyptic shroud and shawl sort of garb.

“Wow!” I said. “Steven Spielberg! You went to LBSU.”

“I don’t know what that is,” he turned and left, apparently not needing paprika anymore.

Big Rick smiled and nodded after Steven. Wistfully, like there was a history there. Then Polly (the possum, if you’ll recall) walked up with an arm full of promotional material for the screening of “Bros” from last year, including chapsticks.

“Hey! I’m supposed to be selling to the student!” he said. “You wanna buy one of these?”

Polly and Big Rick now stalked toward me with their wares. There was a lot of tension and an air of competition. I feared that if I chose one of them, the other would be mad enough to chew at my face and give me rabies (and I don’t know if Student Health Services treats that for free).

I had to think of a way out of this that would appease both.

“I don’t even know what it’s about,” I said. “Buddy,” he said in his gruff mobster voice, “Neither do we.”

“Excuse me,” said a voice, “Any chance ya got some paprika?”

I turned around to see who was speaking, and it was Steven Spielberg, notable kinda-almost-alumni of Long Beach State University. He was dressed in

“Look guys, you seem rad, but I don’t have any money outside of my FAFSA. But if I did, I would totally spend it on this,” I said. They seemed disappointed, but appreciated the compliment sandwich. “Exit’s that-a-way,” Polly said, pointing his thumb behind him.

I walked out with an awkward little wave and followed the sign to an escalator. An escalator that wasn’t working.

“The escalators on the side of the USU were still not working from when I watched them break this morning under the weight of students on every step.”

▲ ABOUT THE ILLUSTRATION

This is a self-portrait that reflects my identity. My mixed ethnicity is shown in the traditional Mexican patterns and the traditional Czech embroidery patterns. The Mexican patterns are mostly native to Oaxaca and found on wood carvings and tile work. The Mexican border is a combination of Aztec designs to form a pattern. The Czech patterns, including the border, mostly stem from embroidery on traditional garbs. The cow obviously connects to my name and I colored it in the style of Pedro Linares, the artist who created Alebrijes. I chose symmetry because there are a lot of similarities between my two halves; there are strong capable women, grandparents who fought in WWII and even other writers who were published in papers on both sides of my family. However, there are also distinct differences between the two, and I’m what connects them both.

A LOOK INTO SOMEONE’S HERITAGE THAT IS HISTORICALLY TORN

WILD WEST HERITAGE

WRITTEN AND

ILLUSTRATED

BY ANNABELLA VACA

The Vaquero - I am a descendant of cowboys. Of vaqueros. The words “wild west” instantly conjure imagery of men in large hats riding horses, perhaps even wrangling cattle. I try to picture a man I’ll never know. A man my family barely knew, my great-great-grandfather. He was a vaquero who traveled the cattle run paths from Mexico, throughout Texas and onward North. He wooed the young women of the small towns he entered, with tales of the countryside. Of heroism.

He’d leave with the promise to return on his way back south. But those promises were lies. He was a vaquero, not suited to be a husband. My greatgreat-grandmother never knew his last name. Her son, my great-grandfather, was left without a paternal name, or a paternal history. With nothing to inherit, they gave him a made-up name that represented the abandonment: the last name “Vaca” (cow in Spanish).

The Vaquero disappeared from my family, leaving us with an ancestral dead end. My great-grandfather was ashamed of this and thus rarely talked about his parents. We know a little more about my great-great-grandmother’s side of the family. We discovered ancestors who took up residency in San Antonio, TX. We pieced together that more than likely they participated in a widely known Texan historical moment: The Battle of the Alamo.

Ancestors At War - Whenever people find out I’m half Mexican, they always ask me: “When did your father’s family immigrate?”. This leads me to answer in the form of a history lesson.

Disclaimer: This could give you AP U.S. History PTSD, but I promise I’ll be brief.

My father’s family never immigrated. They’ve lived in Northern Mexico forever. After Mexico won its independence from Spain, tensions rose between Texas and the Mexican government. New colonists from the states had settled in Texas and did not want to be part of Mexico. This began the Texas Revolution. The most well-known battle from this revolution was the Battle of the Alamo, Texans

DECEMBER 2022 WILD WEST ISSUE

vs Mexicans. The Mexican army won the battle and killed every Texan soldier.

This Mexican victory did not last long. With their armies defeated, Texas declared independence from Mexico. However, Texans did not force local Mexicans off their land. Afterward, Texas was vulnerable and got swallowed into America as the twenty-eighth state. This is how my family got drawn into the states. To summarize: We never crossed the border; the border crossed us.

Now for my mom’s family; I can say exactly when her family came to America. My mom is “whiter than white”- but specifically English and Czech. On the English side, my family immigrated and settled in Jamestown. We owned a library before moving

In 2019, I went with my parents and my dad’s parents to visit the Alamo in San Antonio. This is where my dad made a very out-of-pocket joke. The moment we arrived, he turned to me and said “Look Bella, this is where all of daddy’s family killed all of mommy’s family!” Nearby tourists stopped in their tracks. My dad then decided to talk to them directly, “But we’re all good now! See, she’s here!” He pushed me forward and presented me with a birthday cake. My dad’s father smacked the back of his head. I was sixteen at the time and it is still one of the funniest things my dad has ever done.

Mixed - To this day, my wild west heritage is something unique to me and my identity: descending from cowboys and vaqueros who were at war for so long. But I often feel a disconnect from my Latin heritage. Assimilation has forced a lot out of my family since we have been in this country for so long. My father was never taught Spanish, my family doesn’t celebrate Mexican holidays, and much of my extended family considers themselves Texan or Texican at best. They don’t even think they’re Mexican anymore. It’s pretty devastating to think about the effect American colonists had on my ancestors.

south for more land opportunities after the Spanish succession. As they worked their way south, a portion of my family settled in Tennessee. There, a great-uncle of mine, Daniel Branch Price, married Eliza Crockett, a first cousin to Davy Crockett. For those who are confused, Davy Crockett was a real person people wrote folk songs about. He was a frontiersman who later ran for congress and a cowboy who famously died at the Battle of the Alamo. This means my ancestors fought and killed each other in the most infamous Texas battle. On top of that, the direct ancestors on my mother’s side continued to migrate south and settled in, you guessed it, Texas. Which means they’re part of the colonists who came to Texas and wanted to declare independence from Mexico.

They forced my family to abandon our traditions and now there is little that ties us back to Mexico. Since I am white-passing, I am often forced to prove my Latinness. I’ve almost gotten used to the shocked looks I receive when I reveal my ethnicity. The stifled laughs I get when Spanish people hear my full name: Bella Vaca (beautiful cow).

That’s the difficult thing about being mixed: Latin people don’t think I am Latin enough and non-Latin people don’t recognize why my heritage means so much to me. I’m very proud of my wild west heritage though. Two halves who collided in the wild west. There’s a toughness to descending from cowboys. I’ve met no one else with a mixed background quite like mine. It makes me who I am and the type of artist I am.

“Assimilation has forced a lot out of my family since we have been in this country...”

AN UNPROFESSIONAL GUIDE TO FUFILLMENT

WRITTEN AND ILLUSTRATED BY JADYEN ARANA

DECEMBER 2022 WILD WEST ISSUE

Woohoo! Another year of me setting unrealistic expectations only to abandon them a couple of weeks into January. Sounds great. Like you, year after year, I’ve tried telling myself I’d change for the better, that this next year I would be unstoppable, awesome and totally badass. Cut to me in pajamas, frizzy third-day hair and stressing over the best of life’s trivialities. Yea, reality kicks in pretty quickly, and expectations seem unattainable. Still, even now, I’m expecting a major glow-up or life-changing moment that turns my life around by the time I’m 30. If it doesn’t happen this year, I’ll just do it next year. Sound familiar?

I asked a couple of people what they thought about their goals and expectations from the past year. Linus, a second-year computer science major, said that he had difficulty balancing his work sched ule with school. He felt like he had little time to rest and take a breather, but is proud of what he was able to accomplish. This past year his goals were to “be more positive and accepting, grow in his relation ship, find a job and get better at basketball.” Linus is content with attaining many of his expectations and looks forward to his continued growth. On a relatable topic, Gisel, a marketing major, said she wanted to stay motivated and patient this year as she tried to overcome the hurdles of college. Gisel struggled and felt that “sometimes it can be hard to not react to certain stuff because everyone has different ways of doing things.” She marks her growing patience as an accomplishment and knows that she has been consistently improving. and felt that “sometimes it can be hard to not react to certain stuff because everyone has different ways of doing things.” She marks her growing patience as an accomplishment and knows that she has been consistently improving.

On a side note, as individuals growing up in an overpopulated and exceedingly competitive society, it’s easy to sell yourself short and not recognize your accomplishments. I’m a victim of being my own worst critic, so I can relate to being patient, even with myself. Going back to student thoughts, Jammel, a third-year anthropology major, said something most could both relate to and find insightful. When thinking about his goals and reflecting on the year, Jammel said, “I definitely accomplished a lot of goals, I worked out, got a boyfriend, got a job and got my license. Honestly,

the only thing stopping me was where I was at in life. After accomplishing these, I am actually happy. This is where I have wanted to be for a long time.”

For many students, the stress of classes, work, rela tionships and responsibilities comes crashing down, keep ing their minds enclosed to strict schedules, fast-paced living and getting by on little to no sleep. This survival-like lifestyle leaves limited room to step out of our comfort zones. More than often, we hold ourselves back from tapping into who we are, who we want to be and from reaching out for what we want for ourselves. Now, I’m in no way trying to tell you to get off your ass and get a move on. I’m not judging you here. Trust me, I’ve got a lot of self reflecting to do too.

We all go through different processes at our own pace, but it feels nice to start a new year feeling better than the year before. The cherry blossom symbolizes “renewal and rebirth, as winter ends and the world starts to warm up again.” Not to be corny,

we change, but one based on a change in mind set. To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me” (Anti-Hero).

As preparation for the upcoming year, look back at your lifestyle from this past year. Think about the feelings you experienced, the habits you developed, and your schedule. Then work with that to set realistic goals and expectations. I’ll do this as an example. This year I felt decent but had a rough time when stressful situations got the better of me. I made a habit of procrastinating when I usually don’t. To aid myself mentally next year, I’ll make an effort to take breaks and pamper myself hence, motivating me to keep working till my next break.

Have a friend, parent, your social media following or anyone keeping you accountable for what you have or haven’t done. This past year, my boyfriend was consistent about reminding me to drink less caffeine. I have a crippling addiction to Guayaki Yerba Mate; the Bluephoria flavor to be exact. I cannot begin to describe the love I have for this enlightening energy drink filled with all my replenishment needs. I’m getting sidetracked now, oops. But in reminding me to cut back on the yerb, my boyfriend helped me stay on track with lowering my caffeine intake.

but going into this whole theme of blossoming into who you want to be and attaining the expectations you set, let’s pretend to be cherry blossoms. Like flowers, we have similar personal growth cycles and can bear the fruits of our growth. Limiting ourselves out of fear or any other reason will only trap us and hold us back from reaching our full potential.

I’m no professional, but I feel confident in saying that the steps to boosting your chances of reaching your yearly goals and expectations are to (1) take into consideration your current lifestyle and plan accordingly; (2) have someone or something to keep you accountable; (3) act like you’re the person you imagine yourself as 5 years from now and; (4) don’t be too hard on yourself, you are human, after all.

I can’t guarantee any overnight transformations by following these steps, but that really isn’t the point. If the majority of the reason why we don’t bloom into the person we want to be is ourselves, then it isn’t a transformation based on how quickly

Okay, imagine yourself 5 years from now living your dream life. How do you act? What are you wearing? How do you FEEL? Awesome, I’m presuming. I found that acting like who I want to be, makes the idea of that person seem within reach. I want to stand up for myself more and stop doing things for the sake of pleasing people. So now, I try to speak up when I feel a need to. Small steps like this eventually make the bigger steps easier to take.

Lastly, accept that you’re a human being that makes mistakes like everyone else and you’re allowed to take a step back for the sake of your health. Don’t be too hard on yourself. In a world where competition is rampant and life can turn into an abyss of stress, you will only have yourself at the end of the day. Sometimes after I finish an art piece, all I want to do is throw it away and all I see is an ugly mess. A lot of other people might not see it that way so even if you have a mess of a situation or feel like you’re at rock bottom, keep going until it gets better. Understand that in order to keep going, you need to forgive yourself and recog nize all that you’ve accomplished so far.

You got this.

“Limiting ourselves out of fear or any other reason will only trap us and hold us back from reaching our full potential.”

A HUB FOR STUDENT ENGAGEMENT

WRITTEN BY KAMRYN BOUYETT ILLUSTRATION BY PHYKE SORIANO

Who is @csulbaffirmations you may ask?

I don’t know.

Through private interviews, I asked some anonymous accounts their perspective on the power of anonymity on social media. I also asked how they felt about new accounts speaking on behalf of the student body of Long Beach, like @csulbtruth, @fundthearts.csulb, and @csulb.art. building.heat.

Another popular account you may know is @csulbcuriosities, a page where students can submit photos from campus that they’re ‘curious’ about. @Csulbcuriosities told me they were unable to commit to an interview due to their availability.

The divide between students, faculty and administration is more than severed. Students are done standing back with their complaints.

@Csulbaffirmations is a page of affirmations that LBSU students can relate to. Although their page is considered a meme page, their posts shed a light on what students really care about. The page validates the opinion of students on campus and in return, creates a community online. Some affirmations talk about the lack of food options on campus, parking complaints against other students, and the air conditioning situation on campus.

In a post from @csulbaffirmations, the affirmation “there will be AC in all my classes today” was posted in April of this year. In the comment section of the post, one user claims to be a former faculty member of 45 years from the school. They agreed with the humorous post and added that some classrooms for the Kinesiology Department also felt like “sweat boxes”.

The @csulb.art.building.heat account came up randomly on my recommendations one evening. Its posts were screenshots of complaints from reddit. Their posts erupted. A protest was organized and reached the eyes of many. A caption from their last post reads: “Let us all work together to find the best solution possible. Keep everyone accountable even if it ‘“stops being hot”’, we can’t ever let them forget it.”

Another popular student body led account is @ lb_confess. Created in the spur of the moment with a friend, @lb_confess is an account that shares the anonymous confessions of supposed students. Submissions talk about almost everything, from

relationship details to awkward interactions with students to random stories with absolutely no censor.

“People are more likely to speak their truths when left anonymous because it allows them to not be fully judged,’’ they said. “I think it has definitely created a community within this account, and I’d love to think of this Instagram as almost a safe space.”

A smaller account is more focused on the missed connections on campus. @Csulb_missedconnections receives submissions and posts anonymously on their page. The wholesome Instagram account posts different situations supposed students have experienced on campus.

“I think by sharing these small moments we can take the opportunity to externalize how we are feeling and process our emotions in a safe space,” they said. “I think that this is how we connect with people over social media, mabe not through meeting, but through shared feelings.”

The use of social media is controversial but for LBSU students it’s easy using social media as a tool for community outreach and friendships on campus.

Kamryn Bouyett: When and why did you start the @csulbaffirmations page?

Affirmations Account Owner: I started CSULB Affirmations in early fall 2021 because I noticed other schools had pages and I needed one. I was originally trying to think of someone to tell the idea to so they could start it instead but I got impatient and just did it myself.

KB: How do you choose submissions for posts?

AAO: Most of the ideas come out of my brain, but I do accept some submissions. I get a lot of submissions that simply, (a) wouldn’t fit the format well or (b) are wayyyyy too specific. The affirmations need to be funny and short and relatable, and not everyone executed the vibe perfectly. And I feel bad telling people their [idea] doesn’t work, so I leave a lot “in requests”.

NOVEMBERS 2022 COMMUNITY ISSUE

KB: Do you think that student engagement is more online because of social media? Why or why not?

AAO: Honestly, I think covid pushed a lot of students online to the point where that’s how so many people engage with the campus community. That’s why I try to post about current events or hiring or clubs because I know most of us forgot how to do these things. I wish I had somewhere really accessible, like Instagram, where I could just see what’s happening around campus.

KB: Do you think social media has created a whole other community aside from LBSU?

AAO: I definitely think there is a side to LBSU that is entirely online. There was a whole generation of transfer students that entered online and graduated online. Switching to Canvas right now doesn’t help either because literally all people want right now is consistency and we can’t even do that.

KB: Do you think the administration could learn about the concerns students have through social media?

AAO: I definitely think administration could learn from what students are expressing through my account. I want someone to hear what we’re saying. I do have some professors who follow me but clearly no one with any power for change. There already is a huge disconnect between faculty and students; social media is such an easy way to bridge that gap, or at least be incognito in learning about student life on campus. Especially the ASI and other big accounts. There need to be important eyes on those comment sections. A lot of times that’s the only place students know to go to for questions and complaints. And it should be taken seriously.

KB: What is your opinion on the uprising of other LBSU accounts on Instagram?

AAO: I am honored that other students took it upon themselves to simply just go for it. I am glad students are finding their niche, whether that’s in a club on campus or an Instagram account.

WHAT IS A QUEER FAMILY

WRITTEN BY VIVIEN GRAY VALOREN

OCTOBER 2022

OUTOBER ISSUE

Family is the first connection we make in this world; they fill the role of caretakers, providers, teachers, those we love and can beloved by. However, for many unfortunate people like myself— neglect, abuse and trauma are what family gave me. Not having the basic essentials provided, as someone so young and vulnerable to the world, leads to a lifelong need to fill the gaps in our sense of family. I wish I could be the kid that makes my parents proud of me, even though they would not care. This is the reality for people who grow up in abusive families, even more so for those that are LGBTQ+. I am Vivien Gray Valoren, a 26- year-old non-binary person, and I am part of a chosen family of Queers.

For many that are LGBTQ+, family support maybe rough growing up, and this is compounded with the realization that one is Queer. It is at this painful moment that all Queers come to ask this question: “Is it safe telling my family?” Some do and things work out for them, for others, they stay quiet until they are on their own in case they are disowned, abused or even kicked out to the streets. I was terrified of telling my family. I knew they were not the best, but I figured they would not kick me out. I decided to come out to my father and mother on my 24th birthday, wishing to avoid having the dreadful birthday song sung with a name I did not want. I learned that as much as I wanted them to be the family I needed, they would never be the people I needed in my life nor care enough to accept my Queerness. At 26, I cut contact for good. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life, but best for my sanity. I can only thank my Queer family for supporting me.

When I first had an epiphany about my sexu-

ILLUSTRATION BY STACEY CHEN

ality and gender over the COVID-19 quarantine, I felt completely alone. I did not know anyone that was transgender. I scrambled for any resources I could find, anything to answer the plethora of questions I had and give me direction. My entire world had changed, and I knew I could no longer rely on my family for help. In my search, I found a link to a transgender Discord server and hesitantly joined, not knowing what to expect. It was there I found the answers I was looking for, talked to others like me who inspired hope for my future and found guidance on my path in life. Once I had the knowledge of what I wanted to do, I felt stable. Several months later, I’d start hormone replacement therapy and begin transitioning in the way I wanted. I got into contact with a LGBTQ+ clinic and transgender center in my area, and thankfully they provided me what I needed in terms of my physical, legal and medical transition.

However, I still lacked a support system. I had one I could turn to in my time of need. Even as a child I knew this, and I cried alone a lot. But as much as I wanted a family, I didn’t even know what that word meant. Or rather, I knew what it meant but didn’t know what it felt like. For a long time my family was the only definition I had of one. I figured I would just have to be strong and carry myself as best I could, as I had been caring for myself for so long. I had unknowingly already begun making my first familial connection back on that Discord server. It was there I would meet Lynn, and eventually, the rest of my Queer family.

Lynn uses xey/xem pronouns, which are conjugated the same as they/them/theirs. Xey are a royal pain in my ass, the bane of my existence and overall, an awful human being. I love xem to death and would gladly take a bullet for xem. When I first met Lynn, I was astounded by xeir whimsical personality. I had never met anyone like xem before. I learned Lynn had a rough childhood in Texas and were slowly healing from xeir time in an abusive household. Even though xey had so much wisdom and patience when dealing with trauma and emotions of others, xey were only 19 when we first met. This is where it clicked for me. Here was someone who carried a lot of pain and wanted to help others because we knew how awful of a burden it was to carry alone. I could let xem into my heart and xey would only care for me. I would eventually leave the transgenderDiscord server and get invited to Lynn’s

personal Discord server. It was there we continued to cultivate a bond. Here was someone who would love me and support me unconditionally. Likewise, I could only ever love xem for the wonderful human being xey are. If I have anyone by my side through the worst parts of my life, I would want Lynn there. Lynn became the first member of my Queer family and my life is forever better for it. Sometimes, these happenstance bonds lead to the greatest of unintended consequences in our lives, like how Alex and I became siblings.

Alex uses they/them pronouns. When we first met on the Discord server I thought they would be a troublemaker, so I kept an eye out. We spoke briefly as I tried to build a rapport with them to keep tabs on their behavior. This turned into regular conversations. I learned they were a teenager who lived in an emotionally neglectful household and their parents would disown them if they ever came out as non-binary. They came to me with their problems.

Fae uses they/them pronouns and is the newest addition to my chosen family. Like the other members of my Queer family, I met Fae on the Discord server. However, unlike the others, we only spoke briefly in my time there. But their kindness stuck with me. They often helped other transgender youth with their problems and seemed to genuinely care for them. However, our time on the server was eventually cut short. Fae lost access to their only device able to access Discord and went radio silent for months. I was fearful for them how they would cope with losing the only supportive environment they had in the midst of a highly abusive home environment. I hoped they would return someday, but a part of me couldn’t shake off that this could be the last time I would ever see them again. After Fae’s departure, I wanted to specialize in LGBTQ+issues as a therapist because I never wanted anyone to go through what they were going through daily.

I grew to like helping them often as I loved helping the transgender community, especially youth. With time, I realized I was growing a bond with them. I felt I was guiding them and providing support in a way an older sibling would. I cared for them and wanted to protect them from the difficulties they were experiencing at such a young age. They told me that they and all their Queer friends had made plans in case their families discovered they were Queer and left them homeless.

To them it was just another facet of life, for me, it was a nightmare I feared. Their parents did not appreciate them like I did. I will always want to be the emotional support in their life because I know what it’s like to not have that support from my own childhood. I am proud to be Alex’s sibling because they chose me to be their sibling. With them, I started to understand what a chosen family meant. A Queerfamily that supports each other, and accepts those with nowhere else to turn.

Months later, they resurfaced on another friend’s personal Discord server I was on and we re-established communication. I told them how touched I was by their existence and offered to be a sympathetic ear. They were surprised by all the messages of support they received in their hiatus. Fae would fill me in how the abuse they faced from their guardian was both angering them and hurting their will to continue. I wanted to see them thrive and flourish. They recently got involved with Child Protective Services to get out of their abusive household, and we lost communication with them for months. I knew they would return eventually, but I grew worried and missed them. They would return after several months, and admitted they didn’t know if they would have a home to return to, nor if they would have the means to tell me everything. It was at this moment I realized how much I really meant to them. I wanted to be their family, since Fae and I shared the same pain of familial loss together. As long as I live, they will never have to go through that pain alone again.

After coming out as Queer, the bonds of family may quickly erode. However, that does not mean we are broken people for it. We are loving, strong and compassionate people who strive to overcome the burdens placed upon us. My chosen family has shown me what a true family is. We have come together by circumstance, but we became united by love and appreciation for who we are as individuals. That is what family is to me.

“My entire world had changed, and I knew I could no longer rely on my family for help.”

WRITTEN BY PETER VILLAFAÑE

ILLUSTRATION BY CAROLINE BAE

OCTOBER 2022

OUTOBER ISSUE

It’s not a deadname.

As much as my younger self wanted to die

I can’t let him

Because I can’t live without him.

He needs to be able to see himself now

That birthdays are actually about life

And his skin is healed and feels right.

He is still in progress but every slight

Imperfection is a speck of dust in the light.

Thinking of the future doesn’t give him a fright

Because he knows it is bright.

The boy of his dreams Is in the mirror in sight.

He doesn’t have to fight to be alive

Because heavy shoulders grew wings and Took flight. He doesn’t freeze up his spirit

He uses it to write.

“I will,”

“I am,” Came from “I might.”

The bridges burned lit the way and

The fire in his heart is always alight. He’s alright.

DEAD NAME

LATE MORNING LIGHT LULLABY

WRITTEN BY RACHEL LIVINAL

ILLUSTRATION BY JAKE WINKLE

I am no perfect girl

Born from the crosses of my father’s Stitched heart, The wilts never became scars

When I was three years old, My mother, Heard the shackles, From the boundaries she built. Far too late

My screamsBloodcurdling as they were, Described the pain of being torn Little limb by little limb His words held me down, An eternal constraint

My screamsThey would break into, The walls of our beige minivan

And like a habit, My mother would slip in the disc

She’d let the guitar strings, Strum and play

Until my screams became muffled to the beat, She’d rub my foot

Until my tears, Would dry by the sound’s waves

As I grew older, I sang to the melody

In those moments, It was Peace in the backseat, It was a soothing yet strong volume,

Of two women Who, Tucked in my dreams

My mother and I, Through the test of melodic time

We would sing this album, And our blood curdling painWould slip out of the car windows, With our unshaken grief

Tonight, I laid in a man’s bed, Fully clothed, Truly elated, Freely cognizant Of the love I had for the love That was laying next to me

And I thought about, That peace

A feeling I have only felt brieflyA moment paired with fleeting

A peace I’d run for, But in the past, It was a dichotomy

I’m only 20, I’ve sat in that backseat, For 17 years

Yearned to have my mother, Slip in that CD And with my troubled mind, There weren’t enough times she could play it But I’ve learned now how to push repeat, How to give harmony, And how to receive it

Tonight, I put on my headphones, Slipped into the bliss, And just before my eyelids flickered Into sleep, And dreams And that sweet, Fluid, Peace

I sent the album to him, I said

This is the album I’d fall asleep to when I was little, It was the only thing that soothed my Troubled mind at such a young age, It’s been the only rock for meUntil I met you

I know I’ve run from the peace That consolidate rare men like you,

A peace, A harmony, A short-lived unbroken family

I’m old enough to realize, That albums like these, Come once in a lifetime

So you listen to the album, Tell me what feelings you find

For I feel it roll off your tongue, Into the air that I’d like to Endlessly

Let my tears dry

Disclaimer: This is all based on my personal experiences. (If you have any problems with anything that I have mentioned here, I don’t know, ask your mom.)

Ah, yes, what a pressing issue to discuss for Asian-American Pacific Islander Heritage Month: the heavy weight of disappointment that Asian parents place upon their children. It is what spawned a whole, wide list of general stereotypes about Asian students in American schools: They are the ones who get straight A’s in school, have an ungodly number of extracurriculars on their hands, aim for a career in STEM, politics, or law, excessively apologize for minor things and more often than not are the instructor’s pet.

It is believed that if the child cannot reach their potential, then everything that they have done in life would go to waste. The child, in turn, would be left as nothing but a failure and burden to the family – and not to mention, their ancestors. They would probably be cursed and slapped by their greatgreatgreat-great grandfather, who’s all dead and skeletal and everything.

And let’s be honest here: Asian-American children have been treated as if they are the “chosen ones” in some fantasy game. They are destined to meet the goals and expectations of the people above them, to fight dragons and obtain gold in the glory of the family and ancestors. Their victory or failure in their “quest of success” will forever determine the fate and future of the family. Now that’s something game developers should take note of. Asian-American children are following the image of their parents, but they rarely live for themselves. The conflicting idea of doing things for other people versus one’s own self is something many Asian-American people can agree upon. There is at least an iota of that urge to be someone who each of us want to be, to do the things that each of us wants to do, to chase the dreams that each of us have been dreaming for all our lives – but all at the

risk of losing the connection of our parents. For we know that one small mistake can mean the end of it all.

But is it really?

What about being virtuous and a role model in front of the entire extended family? That, and I cannot stress this enough, is nothing but an artificial facade. The parents create a narrative in that their child is going to be better and do greater things, when in reality, the child has no way of actually knowing what the future holds for them. Life is an artwork, and the artist is not one’s own mother nor the father, but one’s own self.

But if that doesn’t work out well, here are some ways to disappoint your parents even more:

1. Get a grade of D or lower in at least one of your classes.

2. Declare a major in the Arts.

3. Pursue a career in the Arts.

4. Drop out of college

5. Attend clown college.

6. Drop out of clown college.

7. Become a clown anyways.

8. Become a VTuber.

9. Become a cosplayer. Bonus points if you turn into a furry.

10. If you live with your parents and you have your room, lock the doors. You deserve privacy.

11. Move out of your parent’s house. Become independent from your parents.

12. Blast your music – one that your parents don’t like – on loud.

13. Get a tattoo. Get earrings. Dye your hair into whichever color you want. Cosmetic changes and all.

So, if you are of Asian origin and you have parents who give you way too many expectations, here’s my advice (and this is coming from years of experience): Break any and all expectations given to you by your parents and give them your perspective –your reality – of what the world is like. Tell them that the rules of the world that we are living in now are completely different from your parents’. Take the time to talk to them on the dinner table and make them listen to you.

14. If you want to come out to your parents, now is the time. And it’s ok if you don’t want to. You got all the time in the world.

15. Make your own religion, and make your parents follow it.

16. Spend thousands of hours on video games.

17. Go to some faraway place for several months without having to tell your parents. Norway is a good start.

18. Make millions of dollars off NFTs.

19. Have a large anime, manga, comics, or figurines collection.

20. Live your life.

Hopefully all of these are giving you some insights. Good luck, have fun!

“Their victory or failure in their ‘quest of success’ will forever determine the fate and future of the family.”

HOW TO DISAPPOINT YOUR ASIAN

PARENTS

WRITTEN BY HUY TRAN

ILLUSTRATION BY PHYKE SORIANO

MAY 2023

GRUNION ISSUE

CONTRIBUTORS

OCTOBER 2022

Ariel Smith, Writer

Astrid I. Viera, Writer

Caroline Smith, Writer

Jacob Ingram, Writer

Jude Sampson, Writer

Kamryn Bouyett, Writer

Peter Villafañe, Writer

Sofia Carlos, Writer

Stacey Chen, Writer & Artist

Sierra Jackson, Writer

Vivien Gray Valoren, Writer

Arielle Zepeda, Artist

Beatriz da Silva, Artist

Caroline Bae, Artist

E. Delgado Toldeo, Artist

Elsa Joellson, Photographer

Eleah Kang, Artist

Fabian Rubio, Photographer

Huy Tran, Photographer

Kiera Reeves, Artist

Madison Hoiby, Artist

Nina Walker, Artist

Phyke Soriano, Artist

NOVEMBER 2022

Astrid I. Viera, Writer

Caroline Smith, Writer & Artist

Jacob Ingram, Writer

Jude Sampson, Writer

Kamryn Bouyett, Writer

Rachel Livinal, Writer

Sofia Carlos, Writer

Sierra Jackson, Writer

Andre Chris-Sargent, Artist

Beatriz da Silva, Artist

Caroline Bae, Artist

Elizabeth Delgado Toledo, Artist

Carlos Henriquez, Photographer

Fabian Rubio, Photographer

Felicity Dao, ARtist

Jena Quach, Artist

Helen Ho, Artist

Huy Tran, Photographer & Artist

Madison Hoiby, Artist

Phyke Soriano, Artist

RJ Nieto, Artist

DECEMBER 2022

AnnaBella Vaca, Writer & Artist

Caroline Smith, Writer & Artist

Jadyen Arana, Writer & Artist

Josh Biragbara, Writer

Jude Sampson, Writer

Sofia Carlos, Writer

Reyn Ou, Writer & Artist

Vivien Gray Valoren, Writer

Arielle Zepeda, Artist

Caroline Bae, Artist

Eleah Kang, Artist

Elizabeth Delgado, Artist

Helen Ho, Artist

Krizzha Dee, Artist

Mika Huynh, Artist

Nina Walker, Artist

Phyke Soriano, Artist

RJ Nieto, Artist

Stephanie Bravo, Artist

CONTRIBUTORS

MARCH 2023

Ariel Smith, Writer

Anthony Lewis, Writer

Caroline Smith, Writer

Jadyen Arana, Writer & Artist

Jude Sampson, Writer

Gia Krupens, Writer

Phyke Soriano, Writer & Artist

Scott Carso, Writer

Sierra Jackson, Writer

Abihail Ortega, Artist

Andy Kim, Artist

AnnaBella Vaca, Artist

Beatriz da Silva, Artist

Julie De Leon, Artist

Krizzha Dee, Artist

Helen Ho, Artist

Nina Walker, Artist

APRIL 2023

Coco Hernadez, Writer

Caroline Smith, Writer

Darya Jafarinejad, Writer

Gia Krupens, Writer

Jensen Puckett, Writer

Keanu Hua, Writer

Michelle Lin, Writer

Natalie Comfort, Writer

Scott Carso, Writer

Sofia Carlos, Writer

Vivien Gray Valoren, Writer

Abihail Ortega, Artist

Diana Kathrina Trinidad, Artist

Helen Ho, Artist

Jadyen Arana, Artist

Julie De Leon, Artist

Krizzha Dee, Artist

Phyke Soriano, Artist

Tricia Vu, Artist

MAY 2023

Alberto Juarez, Writer

Anthony Lewis, Writer

Caroline Smith, Writer & Artist

Darya Jafarinejad, Writer

Huy Tran, Writer & Artist

Jude Sampson, Writer

Kamryn Bouyett, Writer

Keanu Hua, Writer

Kobe B. Lopez, Writer

Michelle Lin, Writer

Natalie Comfort, Writer

Reyn Ou, Writer

Scott Carso, Writer

Abihail Ortega, Artist

Ahrahm Joo, Artist

Caroline Bae, Artist

Eleah Kang, Artist

Jadyen Arana, Artist

Krizzha Dee, Artist

Nina Walker, Artist

Phyke Soriano, Artist

Ryan Nieto, Artist

Tricia Vu, Artist