LATE MORNING LIGHT LULLABY

WRITTEN BY RACHEL LIVINAL

ILLUSTRATION BY JAKE WINKLE

I am no perfect girl

Born from the crosses of my father’s Stitched heart, The wilts never became scars

When I was three years old, My mother, Heard the shackles, From the boundaries she built. Far too late

My screamsBloodcurdling as they were, Described the pain of being torn Little limb by little limb His words held me down, An eternal constraint

My screamsThey would break into, The walls of our beige minivan

And like a habit, My mother would slip in the disc

She’d let the guitar strings, Strum and play

Until my screams became muffled to the beat, She’d rub my foot

Until my tears, Would dry by the sound’s waves

As I grew older, I sang to the melody

In those moments, It was Peace in the backseat, It was a soothing yet strong volume,

Of two women Who, Tucked in my dreams

My mother and I, Through the test of melodic time

We would sing this album, And our blood curdling painWould slip out of the car windows, With our unshaken grief

Tonight, I laid in a man’s bed, Fully clothed, Truly elated, Freely cognizant Of the love I had for the love That was laying next to me

And I thought about, That peace

A feeling I have only felt brieflyA moment paired with fleeting

A peace I’d run for, But in the past, It was a dichotomy

I’m only 20, I’ve sat in that backseat, For 17 years

Yearned to have my mother, Slip in that CD And with my troubled mind, There weren’t enough times she could play it But I’ve learned now how to push repeat, How to give harmony, And how to receive it

Tonight, I put on my headphones, Slipped into the bliss, And just before my eyelids flickered Into sleep, And dreams And that sweet, Fluid, Peace

I sent the album to him, I said

This is the album I’d fall asleep to when I was little, It was the only thing that soothed my Troubled mind at such a young age, It’s been the only rock for meUntil I met you

I know I’ve run from the peace That consolidate rare men like you,

A peace, A harmony, A short-lived unbroken family

I’m old enough to realize, That albums like these, Come once in a lifetime

So you listen to the album, Tell me what feelings you find

For I feel it roll off your tongue, Into the air that I’d like to Endlessly

Let my tears dry

Disclaimer: This is all based on my personal experiences. (If you have any problems with anything that I have mentioned here, I don’t know, ask your mom.)

Ah, yes, what a pressing issue to discuss for Asian-American Pacific Islander Heritage Month: the heavy weight of disappointment that Asian parents place upon their children. It is what spawned a whole, wide list of general stereotypes about Asian students in American schools: They are the ones who get straight A’s in school, have an ungodly number of extracurriculars on their hands, aim for a career in STEM, politics, or law, excessively apologize for minor things and more often than not are the instructor’s pet.

It is believed that if the child cannot reach their potential, then everything that they have done in life would go to waste. The child, in turn, would be left as nothing but a failure and burden to the family – and not to mention, their ancestors. They would probably be cursed and slapped by their greatgreatgreat-great grandfather, who’s all dead and skeletal and everything.

And let’s be honest here: Asian-American children have been treated as if they are the “chosen ones” in some fantasy game. They are destined to meet the goals and expectations of the people above them, to fight dragons and obtain gold in the glory of the family and ancestors. Their victory or failure in their “quest of success” will forever determine the fate and future of the family. Now that’s something game developers should take note of. Asian-American children are following the image of their parents, but they rarely live for themselves. The conflicting idea of doing things for other people versus one’s own self is something many Asian-American people can agree upon. There is at least an iota of that urge to be someone who each of us want to be, to do the things that each of us wants to do, to chase the dreams that each of us have been dreaming for all our lives – but all at the risk of losing the connection of our parents. For we know that one small mistake can mean the end of it all.

But is it really?

What about being virtuous and a role model in front of the entire extended family? That, and I cannot stress this enough, is nothing but an artificial facade. The parents create a narrative in that their child is going to be better and do greater things, when in reality, the child has no way of actually knowing what the future holds for them. Life is an artwork, and the artist is not one’s own mother nor the father, but one’s own self.

But if that doesn’t work out well, here are some ways to disappoint your parents even more:

1. Get a grade of D or lower in at least one of your classes.

2. Declare a major in the Arts.

3. Pursue a career in the Arts.

4. Drop out of college

5. Attend clown college.

6. Drop out of clown college.

7. Become a clown anyways.

8. Become a VTuber.

9. Become a cosplayer. Bonus points if you turn into a furry.

10. If you live with your parents and you have your room, lock the doors. You deserve privacy.

11. Move out of your parent’s house. Become independent from your parents.

12. Blast your music – one that your parents don’t like – on loud.

13. Get a tattoo. Get earrings. Dye your hair into whichever color you want. Cosmetic changes and all.

So, if you are of Asian origin and you have parents who give you way too many expectations, here’s my advice (and this is coming from years of experience): Break any and all expectations given to you by your parents and give them your perspective –your reality – of what the world is like. Tell them that the rules of the world that we are living in now are completely different from your parents’. Take the time to talk to them on the dinner table and make them listen to you.

14. If you want to come out to your parents, now is the time. And it’s ok if you don’t want to. You got all the time in the world.

15. Make your own religion, and make your parents follow it.

16. Spend thousands of hours on video games.

17. Go to some faraway place for several months without having to tell your parents. Norway is a good start.

18. Make millions of dollars off NFTs.

19. Have a large anime, manga, comics, or figurines collection.

20. Live your life.

Hopefully all of these are giving you some insights. Good luck, have fun!