THE DA I L I E ST C O L L E G E DA I LY
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NEW HAVEN, CONN ECTICU T · THURSDAY, APRIL 20, 1969 · VOL. CXLII, NO. 7 · yalerecord.org
INSIDE THE NEWS MORNING PRETTY GOOD MEH EVENING
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CROSS CAMPUS Chalk it up. An internal
advisory committee discovered that the entire Math Department faculty owns but one light blue button-down and a single pair of chalk-stained khakis. This same outfit, the report stated, has clothed all 50 members of the faculty during every class they have taught this year. Classics 50. The Classics
Department has begun advertising an innovative new introductory course in the major. Come this fall, enrolled students can expect to eat pizza, listen to Skrillex, and be asked the read the entire Western canon in the week immediately following the drop deadline.
IT’S ABOUT TIME Yale combats fuckboy infestation
STARTIN’ ON UP
99 PROBLEMS
TIE FIVE!
Yale student has start-up
Numbers feel pain, professor reports
Guy in section wears bow tie
PAGE 6 SCI-TECH
PAGE 7 SCI-TECH
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PAGE 3 UNIVERSITY
Salovey loses $25.6B endowment to email scam BY BENJAMIN RUDEEN STAFF REPORTER In an email sent yesterday to all members of the Yale community, University President Peter Salovey apologized for losing the entire University endowment in an email scam. “It’s all gone, all $25.6 billion,” wrote Salovey in his email. “This is my bad.” Before losing the money in the
scam, the Yale Investments Office had reported an investment gain of 11.5 percent, and the endowment has been steadily increasing over the past 20 years. Salovey, however, believed he could get an even larger return by loaning some money to a Nigerian prince. “He said he could double my money after he got access to his funds. I mean, that’s a no-brainer investment in my opinion, but I’m a psychologist, not
an investor,” wrote Salovey, the Chris Argyris Professor of Psychology. “I got duped. My studies say that happens a lot.” Reactions to the loss of the endowment have been decidedly negative. “Man, I was going to buy a boat,” said Chief Investment Officer David Swensen in a statement released today. “I was going to name it the ‘Swenson Rules’ and sail it to Panama. Now I just have to make do with my own $2 mil-
lion salary.” Marta Salovey, president of Urban Policy Strategies and wife of Peter Salovey, was disappointed in her husband’s antics. “He’s always doing stuff like this,” she said. “He once bet my wedding ring in a game of poker. And he had two pair. Two pair! Just nonsense.” Salovey has promised to recover the SEE EMAIL SCAM PAGE 4
New Haven Green to be converted to Six Flags
Kiko Mila-YES! The University
announced plans Tuesday to “update Yale’s cultural centers for the 21st century” by turning them into Kiko Milanos. “Students are always complaining about the lack of cultural programming,” explained Director of University Properties Lauren Zucker. “And who has more culture than the Italians?” One small misstep. A notepad
appearing to contain what Neil Armstrong had planned to say after his first steps on the moon was found by family members on Thursday. As historians have long suspected, Armstrong intended to say, “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for an ant or beetle, and one average stride for a young boy or girl.” Dolphinitely. Guilford Police
Animal Shelter had to humanely euthanize a stranded dolphin yesterday afternoon. After a passerby saw a whitesided dolphin stranded off of Chaffinch Island Park, the Mystic Aquarium’s Emergency Response Team arrived at the scene and attempted to save the dolphin but was unsuccessful. CRANDY GREENBERGER/STAFF ILLUSTRATOR
Death. Clark Professor of
Philosophy Shelly Kagan murdered a stranger yesterday. However, so far police have declined to press charges. Said New Haven Chief of Police Dean Esserman, “Shelly made a lot of very interesting moves in my conversation with him, and I was ultimately convinced that many of my intuitions regarding murder were self-defeating.”
Artist’s rendering of the New Haven Green in 2018. BY LIZZY KINGSLEY STAFF REPORTER In a joint statement released on Tuesday, University President Peter Salovey, Mayor Toni Harp, and James Reid-Anderson, CEO of Six Flags Entertainment Corp., announced a three-year plan to convert the New Haven Green into a Six Flags amuse-
ment park. “We understand the need to get Yale students more involved in the city,” Salovey said. “After studying the issue for several months, we realized that the best way to do this would be to make the city an amusement park.” Mayor Harp, speaking at a press conference outside City Hall, threw her full support behind the project,
calling College Street the “Berlin Wall of New Haven.” “The first step is just to get students to cross the street,” she said. “After that, maybe we can start to worry about getting them to use crosswalks.” In an effort to bolster student involvement, Six Flags Entertainment Corp. has already begun soliciting student designs for the park.
“We’re also accepting design submissions from city residents,” noted Reid-Anderson. “Unfortunately all of the public submissions have been showing up blank, with no roller coasters at all added to the Green. There must be a technological glitch. So as of now, it’s just Yale.” SEE SIX FLAGS PAGE 4
What’s black, white, and cancerous all over? Based
on a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, even brief contact with a newspaper is causally linked to higher rates of cancer, to the extent that a newspaper can be classified a “super-carcinogen.” If a reader were to even skim through most of the entries above this one, they would be almost certain to contract all of the worst forms of cancer in the very near future, leading this reporter to regret putting this as the last Cross Campus blurb. THIS DAY IN YALE HISTORY
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Salovey praying Schwarzman isn’t racist BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER Sources close to University President Peter Salovey reported Friday that he is becoming increasingly concerned that Steven Schwarzman ’69, the most generous donor in Yale University history, might be a virulent racist. Schwarzman, who famously founded the Blackstone Group and possesses a net worth of $12.9 billion, garnered national attention last year when he donated $150 million to construct a student center at the heart of campus. The Schwarzman Center, as it will be known, is expected to open in 2020, and will feature an underground pub, an outdoor café, and several other spaces for students to socialize
and put on performances. The University administration has said that it expects the Schwarzman Center to become “the central hub of student life,” and has plastered campus with posters asking passersby to “Imagine the Schwarzman Center.” However, recent conversations with Steven Schwarzman have led Salovey to become increasingly confident that the man behind the center possesses remarkably hateful views. “The first red flag was probably when Schwarzman made these offhand comments about ‘Next Yale hoodlums,’” said an anonymous source inside Woodbridge Hall who was present for the conversations. “That was a little questionable. Then SEE SCHWARZMAN PAGE 4
Lone Eidelson canvasser still harassing students BY BENJAMIN GARFINKEL STAFF REPORTER A single supporter of Sarah Eidelson’s ’12 campaign for alder is reportedly still canvassing at the edge of Ward 1, despite Eidelson’s victory several months ago. The unknown supporter, who witnesses have described as “gaunt” and “haunted,” was most recently seen knocking on doors and peering into windows in Pierson College. “They asked me if I knew where to vote,” said Lam Nguyen
’17, who was accosted by the canvasser when returning to his suite late at night. “When I told them that I already had, they just stared at me hard for a moment like they didn’t understand and then scampered off into the bushes.” Another resident of Pierson College, Sierra Abdi ’16, reported waking up one night to the sound of scratching at her window. When she peered outside the canvasser let out a shriek and began pounding on SEE EIDELSON PAGE 4