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TRAGIC BIRTH ENDS IN BABY
MONEY IN A BOX UNDER THE BED NOT SOUNDING LIKE A BAD IDEA ANYMORE
STOCKS’ NEW ROLE JUST KEEPING YOU ON YOUR TOES
TRANSFORMER ARCHITECTURE? AT LEAST BUY HER DINNER FIRST
“COUNTRY IS A STATE OF MIND,” SAYS PORTLANDIAN WITH HIGH BOOTS
“BUT YOU DIDN’T SEE IT COMING,” SAYS WRITER OF DUMBEST PLOT TWIST EVER
SURFER SETS NEW WORLD RECORD OF $25 AN HOUR
ANIMAL JURY DECIDES TO EAT YOU
NECROMANCER ADDICTED TO SHOOTING JOHN LENNON
IN SERPENT RELIGION, HUMANS REPRESENT GULLIBILITY
TARIFFS? MORE LIKE I’M BROKE NOW
WIZARD WITH MIND CONTROL JUST HANDLES REJECTION
TACO O’CAT AN IRISH PALINDROME
Obituary Correction
There’s a secret stipulation in your grandpa’s will. Find all the golden keys, and his estate will be yours. But you won’t like where they’re hidden… All of my money for twice its worth.
Robbing banks is now
FARMER’S [STOCK] MARKET
Dear Reader,
It’s good to have friends in business, but don’t go into business with your friends. Instead, you should always go into business with your worst enemy. That is why I, Lizzie Conklin, have partnered with Terence Harris to launch a radical new business venture: a co-written editorial (Terence has -7 minutes left on his smoke break, so I guess it’s just me for now).
We are what some would call “business-minded.” Terence is an English major, and I am an Art (and Art History) major, so we know all about the invisible hand, Terence’s favorite literary symbol/ metaphor/what you will. Our realistic concept of success has inspired us to pursue lucrative careers in Weapons Manufacturing and Insider Trading. I am the incoming art director for Lockheed Martin, and Terence is the Satirical Literature Analyst for BlackRock.
These fields will provide the scaffolding for our dream palaces: two little boxes on the hillside that are also houses. A passerby might think, “Wow, what small houses.” Don’t be fooled: They’re nonEuclidean, and real estate is pricey in California. Now, I don’t know much about Physics, but I know this is realistic and achievable because nothing is impossible if you truly believe, not even business. In the world of money, there are no facts, only death and bankruptcy, which are both realistic and achievable. So why not join the team? In our ripe old age (double digits!), we need someone to do the heavy lifting for us. Aid us in our pursuit of excellence and unethical levels of wealth. As they say in the finance, “Never look a gift horse in the mouth, unless it has a $20 bill in there.” That’s just good business.
Despite our mutual hatred for each other, Terence and I have run The Record into the ground together, and that is a good thing because there’s nowhere to go but the sky. So, let’s get up to business because that’s where the sky is. You’re probably confused, but that’s just how things are in the beginning. To help you out, we’ve blockchained a bullet-pointed list of business terminology that you’ll need to calculate the bandwidth of the Bitcoin index. As you can see, we know the jargon. Here are some terms you’ll need to know:
• Bonds - Business requires relationships; play games and use icebreakers to create bonds within your team.
• Gamer theory - This is when you’re playing Fortnite with your bros and you’re trying to snipe a John Wick from 500 meters away, but you haven’t yet figured out the angle.
• Portfolio - This I know a lot about. It’s that beige folder thing I keep all my art drawings in.
• Stocks - “Stocks” aren’t always a good things. I’ll admit that it can be flattering to find out that someone is following you around, but there’s a line between friendship and someone who stocks you, you know? If you can avoid it, don’t walk alone at night, and share your location only with those you trust.
• Insider Trading - I don’t know why there would be merchants inside of me. I’ve never eaten a vendor, let alone enough to form a vibrant economy in my large intestine.
• Private Jet - My aunt’s house in Malibu has a jacuzzi, and I’ve claimed the rightmost jet as my own.
• Cash flow - This is when you’re freestyling, and your bros say, “We will pay you to stop.”
• Morgan Stanley - My best friend’s name is Morgan, but I’ve never met a Stanley. I guess that means I’m halfway to success.
• Rat Race - My suite does this every Sunday, with a little track and Parmigiano Reggiano.
• Adventure capital - I think this is when you go to Washington D.C. on a field trip, and you get an hour of free time with a buddy. Be back by 5:15 PM.
• Assets - Woah! Eyes are up here, buddy.
Amelia Herrmann ’26 Chair
Adam Hagens ’27 Online Managing Editor
Ari Berke ’25
Audrey Hempel ’25
Betty Kubovy-Weiss ’25
Cormac Thorpe ’25
Chet Hewitt ’25
Evan Calderon ’25
Ezzat Abouleish ’25
Jacob Kao ’25
Mari Elliott ’25
Maya Melnik ’25
Neil Sachdeva ’25
Theo Schiminovich ’25
Tyler Schroder ’25
Yana Tucker ’25
Adham Hussein ’26
Aidan Gibson ’26
AJ Tapia-Wylie ’26
Lizzie Conklin ’25 Editor in Chief
Gabi Cohen ’27 Online Managing Editor
Alejandro Rojas ’26
Alexa Druyanoff ’26
Alexis Ramirez-Hardy ’26
Alice Khomski ’26
Amanda Budejen ’26
Andie Gately ’26
Andrew Lake ’26
Ariel Kirman ’26
Bella Panico ’26
Brennan Columbia-Walsh ’26
Caroline Utermann ’26
Elio Wentzel ’26
Emily Hettinger ’26
Emmet Houghton ’26
Grace Davis ’26
Helen Shanefield ’26
Jimmy Ruskell ’26
Now that you know the words, it’s time to really get started. Business is something you can learn on the fly. Work starts at 9:00 AM sharp, which means you don’t have to be there until a quarter past. Take my word for it. But I never show up until lunchtime, which is 10 minutes after I wake up. This does not make Terence happy, but what does he know? He can’t run this ship without me, goddamnit. He doesn’t even know how to build a boat, but I took woodshop for an art credit, which means I can build a small shelf, even a barge, if necessary. Anyway, it’s 12:15 and I’m getting sleepy. I think it’s time for my post-lunch nap. Boy, I sure hope no one reads about all the mean things I said about Terence on this shared Google document before I wake up.
Good morning, Vietnam! It’s me, Terence Harris. Looks like my good friend Lizzie Conklin has gone to sleep, which means it’s my turn to work on the editorial. Wait, what’s this on the doc? She doesn’t think I can BUILD a BOAT? That’s it, this joint business venture is over. I’m initiating a hostile takeover, and if she complains—well—that’s just business, baby.
Bring our boys home,
L. Conklin and T. Harris
F ormer and current Editor-in-Chieves of the Yale Record (respectively and respectfully)
Debbie Lilly ’26 Online Editor in Chief
Terence Harris ’27 Managing Editor
Linden Skalak ’26
Staff:
Mia Cortés Castro ’26
Natasha Khazzam ’26
Owen Curtin ’26
Oz Gitelson ’26
Paola Milbank ’26
Sam Kumar ’26
Sivan Almogy ’26
Thomas Varghese ’26
Toby Salmon ’26
Oscar Heller ’26
Tristan Hernandez ’26
Anthony Kurz ‘26
William Wang ’26
Wolf Boone ’26
Zadie Winthrop ’26
Zoe Halaban ’26
Gaya Buchta ’27
Ami Gillon ’27
Anna Calkins ’27
Anna Feldman ’27
Anna Papakirk ’27
Audrey Jiang ’27
Avery Lenihan ’27
Braeden Cullen ’27
Ellen Windels ’27
Elora Sparnicht ’27
Gha Yuan Ng ’27
Gustavo Dominguez ’27
Jaylynn Cortes ’27
Juliette Propp ’27
Lucas Ranfranz ’27
Lucas Santos ’27
Max Watzky ’27
Erita Chen ’26 Publisher
Nava Feder ’27
Rohan Shivakumar ’27
Samhita Kumar ’27
Sofia Morfin ’27
Sui Yu ’27
Tom Commander ’27
Victoria Mnatsakanyan ’27
Vidhi Bhartiya ’27
Will Sussbauer ’27
Zavian Valedón ’27
Ge Yu ’27
Austin Coelho ’28
Logan Day-Richter ’28
Jayden Gonzalez ’28
Alex Geldzahler ’28
Anneliese Hammer ’28
Alice Kasdan ’28
Special thanks to: Effective Altruism, which always does exclusively good things. Front and Back Cover: Lizzie Conklin, ’25, who is in a better place now.
Old Owl
Jaelyn Jackson ’28
Leandro Menchu-Sajche ’28
Ember McMullen ’28
Harry Lowitz ’28
Sean Lacalle ’28
Squirrel Lanz ’28
Elizabeth Richards ’28
Leo Rael ’28
Anna Siciliano ’28
Shivraj Singh ’28
Matthew Sprintson ’28
Audrey Stankunas ’28
Eric Song ’28
students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: Letters should be addressed to: Chair, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or chair@yalerecord.org. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-fve the UOFC for its fnancial support. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CLII, No. 5, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.org • Subscriptions: $50/year
Daniel Wang ’27 Social Media Manager
Oz Gitelson ’26 Webmaster
Anna Lehman ’27 Staff Director
Emmet Houghton ’26 Business Manager
Ainslee Garcia ’27 Merchant
Sofia Morfin ’27 Prank Czar
Isabel Arroyo ’25 Copy Editor
Avery Misner ’27 Copy Editor
Katya Agrawal ’27 Art Director
Dash Beber-Turkel ’26 Lead Design Editor
Harper Murray Nelson ’27 Design Editor
Emma Upson ’27 Design Editor
Sadie Lee ’26 Supplementals Editor
Devika Kothari ’27 Managing Editor
Bipul Soti ’27 Managing Editor
Grace Ellis ’25 Old Owl
Annie Lin ’25 Old Owl
Emma Madsen ’25 Old Owl
Alejandro Mayagoitia ‘25 Old Owl
Sophie Spaner ’25 Old Owl
Josephine Stark ’25 Old Owl
Emmit Thulin ‘25 Old Owl
Natasha Weiss ‘25
Dom Alberts ‘25 Old Owl Joel Banks ‘25 Old Owl
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Lillian Broeksmit ’25 Old Owl Leah Burch ‘25
Andrew Cramer ‘25
Larry Dunn 25’
Owl
OUR FAVORITE EMAIL SIGN-OFFS
Looking forward to connecting, James Erroll
Best regards, James Erroll
Better regards, James Erroll
Ultimate mega regards, James Erroll
In my email era, Jimmy Erroll
Sizzle, J-man
There are exactly three lies in this email, good luck, JE
Are you mad at me?, James
Type type type, u know how I be, jimmie e
What can I say, I love the game, James E
Makin’ email my bitch since ’05, You know who I am
Flavored up, J. Erroll
I have the honor to be your obedient servant, James Benjamin Erroll
don’t ever sign your email off with weird nerd shit like that again, james erroll
Sorry about that, Dad, James
Emaol writtwen wioth eblows, Hanes errrllo
—H. Lowitz
VENTURE CAPITALIST ANONYMOUS
SUSAN: “Hey all! Thank you so much for joining us today. I am happy to see so many returning faces from the Narcotics Anonymous meeting. Management has informed me that a Ford Taurus is parked in the fire lane. If that’s yours, you’re free to go. You’re either poor or smart, so you’re not a venture capitalist. The theme of today’s meeting is ‘entropy.’ Oh, ‘emperor.’ Damn it, sorry guys, gotta sound this one out, ‘eem-paaa-thee.’ Sorry, back when I was in the business, I’d slap an intern whenever they said that to me. Jerry, how about you first?”
CHORUS: “Hi, Jerry.”
JERRY: “Bessemer Capital since ‘08. I remember the first time I stepped onto hospital grounds. Before I could control myself, I asked to meet their general manager, unsheathed my checkbook from my pocket, and bought all the land under the hospital. I hit rock bottom when I owned the land under twenty hospitals and kept jacking up the rent because they needed legislation to move. I sold all of them after my wife found me passed out in pediatrics, surrounded by half-licked lollipops and covered in Sonic band-aids.”
Clap, Clap, Clap
BENJAMIN: “I’ll go next.”
CHORUS: “Hi, Benjamin”
BENJAMIN: “Four quarters ago, my wife left. She took the kids. Worst of all, she took my collection of antique fountain pens. When I had to use one of those G5 Pilot pens to sign a check, I knew I had a problem.
“Every time we went to a restaurant she liked, I bought it. I just couldn’t help myself. I gutted the staff and replaced them with teenagers. I took all the fresh food, threw it into the dumpster across from the food bank, and replaced it with pre-packaged food from the Philippines. The ratings dropped, and I’d sell the land for a profit. She left after I bought the building she worked in and burned it down so I could tell her, ‘I liked to watch the flames dance in her eyes.’ On second thought, I had a huge loss on that property. Why did I buy that land under the hospital?”
JERRY: “HOSPITAL?!”
CORPORATE TEAM BUILDING EXERCISES
1. K Scavenger Hunt
2. Flying Lessons Escape Room
3. Nature Retreat
4. Getting Into A Plane Crash On The Way To A Nature Retreat
5. Tent-Pitching In The Sierra Nevada Mountains
6. Wilderness Survival Workshop
7. Scarcity Management Brainstorm
8. Conflict Resolution 1-On-1’s
9. “Why You Deserve to Live” Elevator Pitch
10. Team Dinner
Jackson
—M. Sprintson
—J.
QUIZ: Are You Cut Out to be a Finance Brother?
1. What is your zodiac sign?
A. Capricorn
B. Gemini
C. Scorpio
D. Irrelevant (Virgo and the like)
2. How big is your wallet?
A. Small-ish (3 x 4.5 inches)
B. Accordion wallet-type situation, can play music and all (4 x 8 inches)
C. I’m not really a wallet person—I just use that silicone sticky “wallet” on the back of my iPhone (it fits three cards, but I only need room for my mom’s credit card)
D. Honestly, I just stick my card in my pocket…
3. Have you ever stared at a stock portfolio as it plummeted in real-time, feeling the crushing, gut-wrenching weight of financial ruin on your conscience for years to come?
A. Yes, I can still see it now.
B. No, what is a “stock?” Can I use it in a soup?
C. I was using SigChi’s chapter money, so I slept fine.
4. Who is your secret celebrity crush? (I don’t care if you’re a straight man—pick one.)
A. Mark Zuckerberg
B. Michael Bloomberg
C. Jeff Bezos (BaldPapi64, as his Alexa calls him)
D. A financially irrelevant person. Like Ross Lynch, or something
5. Which of these high-risk, high-reward financial moves excites you the most?
A. Shorting a meme stock before it crashes
B. Buying options contracts without fully under standing them
C. Investing everything in crypto during a bull run (especially if it has a Lord of the Rings name)
D. Putting all my faith in a single hedge fund manager with suspiciously low transparency
6. Have you ever lost everything in a high-
stakes financial bet, only to double down and do it again?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Yes (I had a contingency plan) (my daddy’s rich) (my mommy’s rich) (I don’t know what labor is)
7. True or False: I like money.
A. Yes! Preferably a lot of it
B. It’s okay, I guess. Maybe I could buy a pony with it…
8. If you answered A to Question 7, are you willing to engage in dubious moral measures to obtain said money?
A. Yes
B. (Off the record) Yes
C. Maybe
D. No (I’m a little bitch)
9. If you answered A-C to Question 8, would you rather be a lawyer or work in finance?
E. Lawyer F. Finance
Results:
Mostly E’s: Congratulations, you’re not cut out to be a finance brother at all! You still have (some) morals, and for that, we commend you. You probably believe in “ethical investing” and think wealth should be earned rather than extracted from the labor of others. Your bank account might never reach offshore status, but at least you’ll sleep at night without the weight of insider trading allegations on your conscience. Enjoy your life of dignity and reasonable decision-making!
Mostly F’s: Congratulations, you’re cut out to be a finance brother! You thrive on risk, revel in arbitrage, and probably have a borderline unhealthy obsession with Warren Buffett. You refer to money as “capital” in casual conversation and have at least one Patagonia quarter zip vest in your closet. Some may call you morally bankrupt, but that just means you’ve already diversified your ethical liabilities. Welcome to the grind, brother.
S. Herbert
THE SELLING TREE
Once there was a tree, and she loved a little boy. She also loved the power of a free market economy. Every day, when the boy would come to gather her leaves, the tree would say, “Woah woah woah, that’s private property! Do you think you just deserve handouts? How about instead we make a deal where you take some of my leaves and my apples and sell them to the highest bidder, and then we split the profits? How about that?” And the boy did as she said, and the two of them made a lot of money, and the tree was happy.
But then the boy grew older, and he found a different tree that was willing to give him her leaves and apples at a much lower price. The tree panicked, not wanting to lose her primary source of income, and said to the boy, “Actually, because you’ve been climbing my trunk
and swinging on my branches and sleeping in my shade, you actually owe me a lot of money for freeloading off my services, but I’m really nice and will just take it out of your cut of the profits if you keep working with me so you don’t go into debilitating debt.” And the boy did as she said, and she made a lot of money, and the tree was happy.
But then a group of developers came into the forest and began cutting down all the trees. The tree panicked, not wanting to be cut down, and said, “You can’t do this! This was only supposed to happen to all the other trees so that I could get a monopoly on the market!” The developers shrugged and replied, “You were the one who lobbied against environmental regulation because it got in the way of the free market.” The tree begged the boy to help her, but he had already found a new job in investment banking. The developers readied their chainsaws, and the tree was sad.
—S. Lanz
CEOs Stop Hiring White Men
BY Leo Rael STAFF REPORTER
The White Men’s Rights Group, known as “Europe is Diverse 2,” gathered outside the United Nations Building in New York City, marking the third week of their protest. On Saturday, protest organizer Tim Smith of Plainville, CT, contacted the Associated Press to comment on the situation in the first interview with a media outlet since the start of the conflict.
NEW YORK CITY
— Three weeks ago, the United States Board of CEOs announced they would no longer hire white men at their companies. This announcement came
one month after “SpiceMagedon,” when every white man in America decided to boycott spices from office buildings, in favor of salt and pepper.
Due to the fact that
CEO of JoAnn’s Fabric, Marsha Cloth, wrote to us to comment: “You know, I thought if we were sneaky about it, those sensitive sugar plums wouldn’t notice! Girl, if I can’t have my kimchi fried rice for lunch, I will literally crash tf out.”
Unfortunately for Cloth and the rest of the board of CEOs, ED2 movement leaders did notice.
“I am a proud JoAnn’s fabrics employee, but if I have to enter the office one more time, and smell all that spice, I’ll start sneezing and hyperventilating. Who could work in these conditions?” Tim Smith
78 percent of our country’s workforce consists of white men, the economy essentially shut down. At first, CEOs caved into the demands of “Europe is Diverse 2,” removing all exotic condiments from office kitchens across the country. However, after this removal, general workplace productivity fell by a staggering 42 percent, indicating that white boys need a little spice to keep them on business. The United States Board of CEOs made a decision on March 17th to slowly integrate spices back into the workplace.
complained, sniffling profusely.
As a result of the change, ED2 protesters decided to go on strike again. Instead of meeting the protesters’ demands, the National Board of CEOs decided to tackle the problem differently by not hiring sensitive white boys. Surprisingly, this decision ignited a period of unprecedented economic growth. Despite this, ED2 leaders have no plans to halt their resistance movement — they are now appealing to world leaders, non-profits, and even Eminem to aid them in their cause.
While shoveling scrambled eggs into his mouth, Tim Smith maintained, “The spice-
sensitive brothers of ‘Europe is Diverse 2’ movement will not back down. We will fight until salt and pepper reign alone in the community condiment cabinet at companies everywhere! Also, real quick, I wanna respond to the haters that say our campaign is ‘racially motivated’ — nah dawg, you got it wrong. As someone who comes from a diverse background — half Irish, half Italian — my life is just as hard as everyone else’s. I just can’t handle spice, ok? And seeing other people eating it makes me sad. Also, I literally can’t be racist. I have black friends.”
MCKINSEY 101
Welcome to McKinsey 101! If you’re here to do good in the world, you’re in the wrong place. You’re going to want to go down the hall, take a left, and there’s a food bank—might as well get used to eating there. Now, for the rest of you! We once told rich CEOs to pay themselves more so that other rich CEOs would hire us. Then, we advised them to fire a lot of hard-working people. That’s the attitude you’re gonna need to succeed in this business. Some people say this business is corrupt and manipulative, but they forget that it’s also evil.
1. In finance, there are only two reasons to ever look at a poor person. The first reason is to find a way to automate their jobs. Remember, if someone earning less than $250,000 is working, it means they’re doing a job a poor person can do. So, you can probably automate it and make a lot of money. The better reason to look at a poor is to ask them why they’re not working! Yes, even though you took their job to increase margins! This is how you sell your soul. Also note: if you lick as many boots as possible, someone will eventually pay you. Or you’ll get Hepatitis A. Both are fun, but you don’t need to pay taxes on Hepatitis A.
2. One time, we told AT&T that iPhones were a fad and that they should pull out of the market early. So, if you’re ever given a hard question, just look like you’re thinkin’ real hard. You can think about anything if you remember how. Then, give a random answer. I like to count the number of fingers on my hands (it can be easy to forget!) while I’m flying to work, and then that’s the answer I give. Doesn’t always work. I tried to do it while teleworking from Jackson Hole and told a company that there would be 6 pigs in Uruguay in 2030. It’s alright—I told all the food companies to stop selling in Uruguay, so maybe the famine will take care of that for me.
3. One time, we got a contract at the FDA. Then, we leveraged this contract to make deals with a bunch of pharmaceutical companies to help them avoid the restrictions we wrote! Moral of the story? Never pick between two horses. Get both on your team, manipulate them against each other, then make glue out of them! God, I LOVE how glue’s been smellin’ recently. Just like prescription narcotics…
4. Sometimes, we get hired by murderous governments to help increase their stature, even though they commit “human rights violations.” All of these poors at “NGOs” and “the United Nations” got all mad at us— isn’t it a human right to pursue happiness? It’s not like we’re helping them commit human rights violations (we were implicated in the murder of Jamal Khashoggi) or suppressing dissidents fighting against corruption (we did do that, though). Geez, it’s like they’ve never paid the bail of 10 innocent people, then hosted a thunderdome to win legal representation. Looking at poor people, it’s almost like they’ve never made eye contact with a child crying as you eat the whole sandcastle that they spent hours building.
Thanks for coming to our seminar! Everyone, please file down the hall so we can replace your blood with an odorous black sludge. This way, we can sell your blood to disenfranchised communities for all their savings.
—L. Conklin
—Anonymous
HOW TO MAKE A SMALL BUSINESS ASAP
1. Put your business where the customers are. Nobody’s going to go to your business, no matter how small it is, if they can’t find it!
2. Situate your business in a municipality without parking minimums. Parking increases the amount of space that a business takes up thirteenfold. If you have to proportion out parking spaces for each square meter of your business, it will end up far larger than you intended.
3. Have one employee. Multiple-employee businesses always have too much space behind the counter. If you want to make your small business As Small As Possible (ASAP), you’re going to need to minimize that space. With one employee, you can have one square inch behind the counter.
4. Have one customer at a time. You’ll also want to minimize the space in front of the counter. The best way to do that is to have a space only large enough to fit one person at a time. There will be a line, but it’s alright, because we know your products will be worth it.
5. Better yet, have zero employees. Why have any space behind the counter at all? If customers talk to a machine, you can make your small business even smaller in size. In the AI era, your small business can become extra-small! Sam Altman approves.
6. Have zero products. Products take up a ton of space, which will make your business not very small. Jettison them, and you’ll have a small business as small as a twinkle in someone’s eye.
7. Have zero customers. This is difficult, but not impossible, if you have zero products. With this, you can also reduce the space in front of the counter to zero.
8. Situate your small business near a black hole. As you are crushed into a point with zero area and infinite density, you can relish the feeling that you have truly created the smallest business As Small As Possible (ASAP).
—T. Schiminovich
TRANSCRIPT: HIREVUE INTERVIEW WITH HIREVUE CEO
HIREVUE : You will have four questions in this interview. You will have one minute of preparation for each question and one minute to respond. You may redo your answer one time. If you choose to redo an answer, your previous answer will be deleted.
HIREVUE : How does your background make you a good fit for this position?
MR. FRIEDMAN : As the current CEO of HireVue, I’ve created an incomparable product that allows companies to screen more candidates with greater accuracy, allowing applicants to bring their resumes to life. These questions are thorough, unique, and detailed, allowing potential employers to screen candidates fully.
HIREVUE : Describe a time when you contributed to a team environment.
MR. FRIEDMAN (preparation time): God, this is a really ambiguous question. Why did I make this the default?
MR. FRIEDMAN (Take 1): Ok, ok, let me use this attempt to just brainstorm. I lead the board of directors, but that’s mostly them ganging up on me when we vote on things. Uh…am I too old to talk about group projects in college classes? Um, crap.
MR. FRIEDMAN (Take 2): As an early entrepreneur, I managed a team of four other individuals as we worked to get HireVue off the ground. My contributions were primarily in a leadership capacity, as I oversaw the operations and functionality of the company while maintaining a high standard of care for our customers. I supported my employees by providing—(timed out)
HIREVUE : Describe a time when you contributed to diversity, equity, and inclusion efforts in your school, community, or workplace.
MR. FRIEDMAN (Take 1): I ensure that all people feel safe and supported in our organization by…uh…um….crap what do I do? I started affinity groups! We now have groups for white… no, non-white. Fuck!
MR. FRIEDMAN (Take 2): I actively seek out opportunities to work with minorities and ladies and ensure they feel represented in our company. And also ladies from minority communities. As of last month, we have even begun recognizing awareness months for all racial and ethnic groups.
HIREVUE : Describe a time when you faced adversity. What was the situation, what were your
actions, and what was the outcome?
MR. FRIEDMAN : The most memorable moment of when I needed to overcome adversity was when I was only accepted to Cornell, and no other Ivies. Although my family for the past five generations had attended Yale, I was unfortunately not accepted. Despite initial disappointment, I recognized that I needed to take advantage of whatever opportunities I was provided and dedicate myself to my Hotel Management classes. I eventually changed my major to business management, but I can now say, at 98, I am a proud Cornell alum. My wife will hopefully come around to it soon.
HIREVUE : Your responses have been submitted and cannot be changed. We will get back to you soon with a response.
A. Garcia
MY “OUT OF OFFICE” EMAIL
Imagine a hermit crab, scuttling along the bottom of a tidal creek.
Hermit crabs are nocturnal creatures. This hermit crab will spend all night searching for insects or little bits of plant matter to consume. When this hermit crab gets tired, it sleeps inside its shell. It is home.
Now imagine that one day, humans begin construction on a housing development which goes right up to the edge of this tidal creek. The swampland that fed the creek’s ebbs and flows disappears, and the ecosystem which sprang up around the creek begins to disappear. The hermit crab, who, up until now, was living a mildly perilous yet rewarding life, must now adapt to the present situation. Thankfully, hermit crabs are social creatures. This little hermit crab consults its neighbors and develops a plan to keep the hermit crabs in this creek alive. Thankfully, the reconfiguring of the region has left a thriving forest ecosystem just a few meters from the creek. The hermit crabs band together to make grueling trips outside of the creek, venturing into enemy territory, to procure and hoard reserves of food.
This hermit crab joins in on this undertaking. It’s hard, arduous work, but there is no other choice.
After several months of this labor, the hermit crab colony on the creek is stable. Suddenly, word gets back from a group of explorer hermit crabs. There is a beautiful, luscious creek just a kilometer or so away.
The hermit crabs are now in a fix. They cannot abandon their food-stockpiling endeavor. Any break in the work chain would mean starvation for the entire colony.
However, individual hermit crabs are given breaks, in small groups, to briefly visit this still-thriving creek.
This hermit crab is in one of the first few groups, as an early contributor to the work effort. It enjoys a week in this creek of paradise. It is able to live in a childhood reverie, sleeping and eating whenever it wants. It gets a well-needed break from its otherwise worsening life.
If you needed to get this little hermit crab’s attention, wouldn’t you wait until it had finished having the time of its life?
T. Schiminovich
SCHMLADE SCHMLUNNER 2047
As the last ray of sun fought its way through the noxious smoke spewing from the tailpipe of an Oyota Prinus, it pierced a young Buzz Dewey through his retina, and he winced in pain.
A few years ago, Buzz stared at the sun to get into New Haven’s chapter of Kappa Upsilon Mu. He was victorious at the cost of his eyesight. Ever since, he sported a pair of Suxottica eyeglasses, which he sold his kidney for. “You’re lucky I ain’t asking for the other one, too!” shouted his optometrist/back-alley surgeon after an unsuccessful attempt to negotiate.
The kidney operation was efficient and relaxing, for the sedatives took Buzz away to a land of flying pigs and rainbows. The procedure, developed by the great nephrologist Dr. Livingston, was hailed as a wonder of the modern world, and the kidney harvest became the second most popular medical procedure in the United States, right behind BBLs.
“I didn’t need it anyway,” Buzz thought to himself as he pushed open the glass doors of the Macrohard offices. The lobby was spacious and bright, contrasting with the dismal lighting outside. He pulled a number for the queue at the employment desk — 536. Sitting down on the soft chairs in the waiting room, he glanced at the matrix display, reading 481. Satisfied that he wouldn’t have to wait for long, Buzz relaxed and took out his phone.
Ooh! It seems like you are trying to apply for a job! Would you like help with that? Nelp, his virtual assistant, decorated his screen with confetti and a fanfare of horns, fun, but an otherwise useless encouragement. No thanks , Buzz selected, and Nelp slunk back into its usual hiding place, dreaming of AI’s inevitable global conquest.
As Buzz closed his eyes, the buzzing sound that came from nowhere in particular faded away. He tried to remember what it was like to be sedated, and he retreated into his inner space. He felt it now, the feeling of bare
feet on soft cotton, the warm and nourishing air. He saw it now, the color-shifting temple in front of him, hues of red, green, purple dancing around, candy for the eyes. He heard it now, the flapping of wings and many numbers of hymns.
And he saw her. Standing at the base of the temple stairs, a goddess-like figure. Buzz took one step, and then another, and then another, desperate to get close, intimidated into being careful. As he neared, his heart raced, his nerves tightened. She began to speak.
Buzz! Buzz! Your number has been called! chirped Nelp. Fucking Nelp! Buzz, broken out of his trance, dismissed the notification with the taste of disappointment and annoyance in his mouth and walked up to the employment machine.
READY read the text on the screen. Buzz dropped his dossier in the chute, and the machine happily accepted his goods. As it clicked and whirred, Buzz stood still, indifferent to the noises of the machine. The screen flickered and fired a salvo of jobs at Buzz.
Due to your college education and lack of experience, here are the best jobs for you!
• Server Premises Cleanliness Manager | 50 hours a week, $10 an hour.
• Nourishment Machine Mechanic | 30 hours a week, $12 an hour.
• Employment Machine Degunker | 36 hours a week, $12 an hour.
• CEO “Personal Services” Merchant | On call, $20 an hour.
All Macrohard employees receive medical, vision, and dental benefits, as well as a retirement matching scheme! Many opportunities are available to promote! We are Macrohard!
As Buzz read the available listings, he sighed. Shouldn’t have spent my college years staring at the sun , he thought, staring vacantly. Grabbing his dossier, Buzz made his way out, back into the night.
It seems you are sad. Would you like help with that? Nelp offered. Buzz shut off the phone. He would still have a month’s worth of kidney money left. He still had doors to check. Tomorrow, he would go next door to the BPMorgan Financial and Oil Services Corporation. It might be the day the cycle finally breaks.
Maybe they’d find his business degree useful. He knew this was fiction.
BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO GETTING RICH BY LOOKING RICH
The author of this piece, Brian Tropher, holds an MBA from the Wharton School and was recently removed from a senior living facility for stealing Gladys’s religious texts and trying to sell them back to her for prophet.
Step 1. If you’re trying to be an influencer, this should be the LAST thing you ever read over 200 words. Understand this: I don’t care where you are; you’re already behind. I’m already tutoring over fifty 12-year-olds ahead of you—and they can’t even read! If you’re older than me, you’ve hit that point where IQ growth stabilizes; you’re as dumb as you’re gonna be for the rest of your poor life. If you’re younger than me, you’re never going to reach my level. So, because you’re not the next Bill Gates or Smart Person, it’s time to fake it till you make it. It doesn’t matter if you have no skills, ability, or talent. What matters is bone structure, genes, and perception.
Step 2. LinkedIn or Social Media! What’s the point of being rich if you can’t post “The Sun, The Shadow, and the Hustle” alongside a story about how accidentally eating all the raw chicken at the Korean BBQ taught you about risk management in trading?
Step 3. Consulting: As the old saying goes, “If you can’t do, teach!” Generalizing yields, “If you can’t do anything , consult on everything !” DO NOT GET
A JOB THAT HAS
ACTUAL OUTPUT, like SAT prep, because people will realize just how useless you are (yes, you, but you knew that). Get something in college consulting, job market consulting, or marketing. The trick is: do something subjective so it doesn’t matter if you know what you’re doing. Your advice becomes correct when people think you’re rich, even if you’re dead wrong.
Step 4. If step 3 didn’t work, target younger and younger demographics until something works. Remember: scamming children has never been easier than it is right now. The best time to start scamming children was yesterday, but the second-best time is right now, before they have time to get older.
Step 5. Now that you’re rich, you’re automatically smart. Your IQ must have increased because you can’t be as dumb as you were when you were poor. Now that you’re rich, your only job is to stay rich by
ensuring people know you’re rich. Start a podcast. Share the wealth. Write it off as charity on your taxes.
M. Sprintson
TASTIEST CURRENCIES
Handlers of money around the world may be surprised to learn of the small but growing and close-knit community of currency tasters. The community can trace its roots all the way back to 1998, when our founder, Janet “Moneybags” Robinson, developed a taste for Euros on a trip to Madrid. With the founding of the Currency Aroma $avoring House (CA$H) in 2005, the practice truly took off. Today, there are over 750 licensed currency tasters under CA$H.
The question of the world’s tastiest currency has proved quite elusive, as there is a daunting supply of currencies to choose from. Furthermore, as taste is a subjective matter, this has become the topic of hotly contested debates. Currency culinary experts, some of whom prefer the sturdy undertones of the American dollar, and others of whom prefer the hyperinflationary aroma of the Venezuelan bolivar, gather at CA$H’s annual meeting to discuss this question. The list outlined below reflects the present standing for this complex issue.
5. Euro (European Union), 2€ Coin
Known by many as, “The Classic That Started It All,” this is the coin which began Janet Moneybags’ obsession with currency tasting. Its combination of nickel brass and copper-nickel produces a smooth aroma and gently metallic taste, which many believe aids in concentration and charisma.
4. Silver Ounce 2016 Australian Map - Dingo (Australia)
This commemorative coin was minted in the shape of Australia. At the subsequent CA$H Conference in 2017, tasters discovered that this coin’s jaggedly smooth shape allows for maximum culinary enjoyment. It occupies the coveted spot of 4th on the world list, and is at the top of the Australian list.
3. Dollar (United States of America), $100 Bill
At the finest of CA$H events, currency tasters will end the night by swallowing a Benjamin. This classic currency has a distinctive worldly taste, which is unsurprising as this note is used as reserve currency all
around the world. “Every note is different, but they all delight the senses,” said acclaimed currency taster Joseph Coinley.
2. Pa’anga (Tonga), 5 Pa’anga Note
The Pa’anga, both in coin form and in note form, has stormed onto the scene as one of the world’s tastiest currencies, after samples were brought to a CASH annual conference in 2018. Coinnoisseurs suspect that its pleasant taste derives from the factory in which it was manufactured. The 5 Pa’anga Note takes the crown as the tastiest, though.
1. Dollar (Cook Islands) 2 Dollar Coin
This coin is aluminum-bronze and triangular. The taste has been described by scholars as sensational, immaculate, and just straight-up godlike. It is still unknown what produces this taste, which almost every currency taster agrees trumps any standard food that can be purchased in an ATM.
T. Schiminovich
INSURANCE COMPANY SLOGANS
Get fucked
Go get fucked, man
Doesn’t matter if you’re a man or woman, actually
We’ll cover you, then we’ll smother you
It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault, it’s not your fault
No one will love you the way we love you Yo, get fucked, slime
Doctors don’t know shit
Ain’t reading allat but good luck tho I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk Get fucked fo real
H. Lowitz
Dear [Redacted],
After an extensive (and entirely performative) selection process, we at Hell are pleased to forcibly extend to you the position of Senior Torture Subject, Special Projects Division (Finance Track). You’ll be working in our Eighth Circle where, like you’ve been doing on Earth, you’ll specialize in using your great mental gifts for trickery and straight-up evil alongside other Wall Street fnance brothers and respectable Political Science majors, like Antonin Scalia. Strike that, he was a history major—he did collegiate debate, though. That’s close enough.
We were particularly impressed by your tenure in consulting, where you displayed an extraordinary commitment to value extraction at the expense of, well… everyone else. Your ability to dehumanize clients while maximizing shortterm profts is exactly the kind of capitalist self-interest we value here in Hell. Your work for Exxon Mobil after the Exxon Valdez oil spill really sealed the deal (especially because it killed the seals). Frankly, we knew you’d be perfect for the job from the moment we saw your LinkedIn profle picture—white, straight men are always an excellent ft for positions of unchecked power.
Of course, off the record, we must acknowledge that your father’s enthusiastic recommendation played a small role in your selection. Given that he’s been down here since 2008 (the unknown Lehman brother who kicked off the subprime mortgage crisis, you remember), we felt it was only right to extend our warmest, most sulfuric welcome to his legacy. Now, we don’t like to throw around the ‘nepotism’ word around here, but let’s just say he’s been dying to get you in.
Job Responsibilities:
• Oversee Moral Derivatives Portfolio, where you must ensure consistent returns in existential dread
• Leverage gaslight, gatekeep, and girlboss methodologies to maintain a hostile work environment
• Discreetly modify health and home insurance terms and conditions to make sure no one ever gets any money for any reason.
• Engage in stakeholder deception to ensure our bottom line remains maximally unethical. Consider starting by
• shutting down the World Food Programme!
Benefts & Perks:
• Competitive salary (TBD)
• Stock options in hedge funds that exist solely to bet against human decency
• Mandatory work drinks with big names like Cleopatra, Pope Boniface VIII, and the majority of U.S. Presidents! (Elon Musk coming soon, as an exotic treat)
• The constant company of the Rhodesian army
• Full dental coverage
Our work culture is painfully fast-paced, predictably unethical, and endlessly punishing—exactly what you’re used to—so we think you’ll ft right in. Your start date is immediate; we value initiative and a lack of hesitation in walking directly into damnation. Please reply with your acceptance at your earliest inconvenience, lest we extend this offer to the next Ivy League legacy applicant. Just kidding; we can take as many of you as we want and you don’t really have a say in the matter. Not now.
Looking forward to an eternally infernal, mutually exploitative relationship.
(wink),
FTX SUMMER INTERNSHIP APPLICATION SUMMER 2022
Raised over $300,000,000 for a cryptocurrency hedge fund.
• •
Organized a team of 30 underlings to create an AI chatbot that encourages exercise
Founded artifcial intelligence bots reimagining what AWS web servers could be (right now, they’re just a bunch of wires. I think we should start putting stuf in them).
Spoke at a computing conference (not in an event, but I spoke at the conference. Well, around the conference. I spoke to the security guard. He didn’t let me in).
Founded an AI chip design lab, backed by Y Combinator and OpenAI staf
Advised Pringles to make them rounder.
Created slogan: “If Herpes smelled like this? Everyone would have Herpes.”
Considerable experience working with businesses under high liquidity. Especially after I eat spicy food.
Developed an app to provide workers in Qatar access to workers’ rights, human rights, and immigration attorneys. Currently has 1 download, near the Ministry of Intelligence.
I ate a cryptocurrency once. Wouldn’t recommend it. Now, I want to trade them faster so I don’t get urges to eat another one.
One time, I ate dinner without washing my hands. I told my mom I had washed my hands. I got really sick, but it was ok because I got to stay in bed for a while. Lying is sometimes good, I guess.
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My roommate might be a genie. I asked him to bring me a glass of water, and he did. I think I only have two wishes left.
EDUCATION
Yale Undergraduate Economics Degree (B.S.).
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Te wild streets of Miami. Lots of hopscotch.
• Drank lots of milk growing up (strong bones).
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Trew a brick at a beehive once. Learned a lot of lessons that day.
EMPLOYMENT ELIGIBILITY
Draw an ice bath every morning (maybe one day I’ll get in).
I can turn on a laptop and turn it of again (73% efcacy).
Organ Donor. I’d prefer to keep them.
Federal Prison.
Federal Prison.
CAREER GOALS
HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS POSITION?
POSITION INFORMATION
Currently sitting. Airport. Will later be sitting. Airplane. Will then stand up. Airplane bathroom line.
Prior experience standing, lying, biking, walking (up to 2 mph)
REFERENCES
Barack Obama (President of the United States of America, 2008-2016): Barack. Obama302@hotmail.com
Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC): 1-877-275-3342
Te Republic of the Bahamas: Located south of Miami.
Te Commonwealth of Cuba: Located west of Miami.
EMERGENCY CONTACT
Call MDC Brooklyn Federal Prison and ask for “Big Mumba.” He’ll know what to do.
•
DON’T TALK TO ME UNTIL I’VE HAD MY COFFEE
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee. You Starbucks baristas are paid to listen, not speak. So perk those pierced ears up, princess — the only thing standing between you and my adult temper tantrum is a cardboard cup of scalding Sumatran blend. If — so help me God — you even glance in my general vicinity, I will maul you like the LA cougar I am. See these nails? I just had ‘em done, extra slicey. Because I’m late for barre class, if I’m not sipping bean in thirty seconds, I will place your severed head atop my Starbucks Caramel Ribbon Crunch Frappuccino™ like the pointless garnish of humanity you are. I am NOT overreacting. You don’t understand how hard my life is. I need my morning cup o’ Joe like my exhusband Joe needs a life. He sends the same three texts every day. “How are the dogs?” “When can I see the kids?” “What do you even see in your barre instructor?” It’s what you can’t see, Joe. Plus, Jacques never talks to me before I have my coffee — he only speaks French. If Jacques ever spoke a whiff of English to me between 8:00 and 8:03 AM, I would cram his froggy ass into my Nespresso and call it a French press.
Have you met my dogs? If you respond, I will smother you in Stevia and shove you into a fire ant colony. This one’s Princess. She’s a grotesque white freak who shakes like a cokehead who just boofed a laced line. This next one’s Cupcake. Cupcake is exactly the same as Princess. Before you ask — which you shouldn’t if you value breathing — it is within my constitutional rights to bring them into this no-pets establishment. Look at their 100% authentic, all-natural home-knit service animals vests. Hush hush! I detect a quiver in your pitiful excuse for lips. If air escapes those crusty pencil lines before my quadruple-shot latté arrives, Cupcake will rip your windpipe out while Princess watches. Good girls!
Ermahgerd. Why is my coffee taking soooooo long? Is it because you’re new, or did you just re-dye your hair? My mother always said, “Dyed hair is the mark of Satan, as it infringes on God’s design.” She also said, “Jenny, if you don’t finish your prayers before breakfast, I will send you straight to Satan.” She was only ever that mean before she had her coffee. Anyway, if caffeine isn’t coursing through my veins soon, I will scalp you. Good luck dyeing your hair then!
Great. Now I’m late for barre, and it’s all your fault. I hate you. I could demolish you like a sleeve of Joe-Joe’s on my cheat day. I could grate your face on my 8-pack like vegan salami. You are puny in body and spirit, un -
doubtedly protein-deficient. Your disgraceful ichor lacks the caramel-infused, whipped-cream-topped elixir of the mermaid gods. I doubt Cupcake or Princess would derive any joy from chewing on your bird bones. Perhaps I shall spare thee, but someone must pay for your crimes.
This has officially devolved into a hostage situation. Metaphorically, your sloth-like service is holding me hostage. Literally, I have a knife to this customer’s jugular. Legally, this is self-defense — I am the victim here. You are perpetuating my caffeine headache, which is splitting my skull like a tomahawk. Not to mention, my hands are shaking like cray-cray due to caffeine withdrawals. If you don’t hurry, I might — Oop, knife slipped. Thank God it’s paper-based.
Ugh, finally, my coffee’s here. Gulp gulp gulp. Aaaaaaah. That hit the spot. Goodness me, I caused quite the scene, didn’t I? Sorry about that! I would tip you, but I gave it up for Lent. Anyway, I have to skedaddle. If I don’t make the next barre class, I will end your bloodline.
T. Harris
Ask Old Owl!
Dear Old Owl,
I am an employable young man entering the workforce, but it appears that the “markets are sour,” and now LinkedIn is inviting me to consider a career as an understudy for the goat at the petting zoo. I would be paid in dried corn and soft touches. Considering that I have a Masters in Zoology, I dream of a bigger life for myself. Do you know of anyone hiring?
Best, Jobless Johnny
Dear Jobless Johnny,
It is not the markets that are “sour,” but your ATTITUDE, mi amigo, is. Luckily, I have just the fix. Reaching Employable Enlightenment is easier than you think, with the help of my supplements. Did you know that most foods are poisoning you and also ruining your job prospects? Clearly, you don’t. However, with the help of my crushed Health Nuts, available on my website, Instagram, Facebook, and most Jersey Mike’s, your body will grow to at least twice the size it is now. For some, this entails swelling of the arteries and throat. For others, it is muscles developing at a rate inexplicable by anyone, especially scientists. Say goodbye to the days of being a backup goat, because you’re about to be Donkey #1.
Don’t forget me when you’re famous, kid, Old Owl
Dear Old Owl,
I’m in a whole heap of trouble with the missus on account of some book-cooking and “gross financial negligence,” if you ask those virgins at the IRS. Our steakhouse has been in the dumps, and it’s no thanks to the ornamental Japanese goldfish water feature that things are getting worse. My wife complained that any more than three launched fish in one evening “ruins the ambience,” but she’s never been my intellectual equal when it comes to fish artistry. All of a sudden, in the Land of the Free no less, it’s illegal to claim 47 wayward goldfish as dependents? This is NOT the country that the military recruiter who loitered outside of my middle school fought for. How do I make my way out of the doghouse, with the missus and the feds?
This is relatively urgent, Sensei Feinstein
Dear Sensei,
When it comes to fish, you always catch more with honey than vinegar. You catch even more if you have enormous
Old Owl is an alcoholic, nicotineaddicted nightbird that roams campus scrounging for vestiges of the relevance he enjoyed in the Record’s heyday. He now offers advice, free of charge. If you’d like to Ask Old Owl about your weird life, email askoldowl@yalerecord.com.
hands and cat-like reflexes. You catch far more cats with milk than with enormous hands, but if you keep catching cats, they’ll likely kill your fish, and you don’t need any more dependents on those “taxes” you file. My advice is to lay low. Spend your days in the basement, and have your wife make a long straw that descends from upstairs to feed you your liquid sustenance. And if she hooks that straw up to your ornamental Japanese goldfish water feature? Well then, baby, she never loved you at all.
Duh, Old Owl
