Page 1

Vol. 142, No. 1


Aug. 23, 2013


“To the tables down at Mory’s, to the place where Louis Dwells…” Becoming a student member of Mory’s is easier than ever! All current Yale Students can become members with a one-time dues payment of $15.00 until graduation. Student members also receive a $10.00 food credit with dues payment. Membership entitles you and your guests the use of the dining and banquet facilities at the club, as well as attendance at special events and activities. Contact or go to

Become a part of Yale History, become a member of Mory’s. Sit down together… over a meal, over a cup… over a lifetime. Casual Dining

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JUDGE BANS COLLECTIVE GASPING FROM COURTROOM Dear pantyhose, What a pity. I imagined you to be a garden hose that spouted girls’ panties continuously. Sigh… I guess it’s back to stealing panties and blowing them out of a leafblower. Sincerely, Dave Dear cleavage, Mind your own business—are you trying to ruin me?! —A guy about to have the worst job interview of his life


Dear man yelling at me rapidly and angrily in Spanish, Fiesta. Piñata. Taco. Eva Longoria. I really hope one of those works. Sinceramente, Jerry


Dear John Schmidt, You’re half the man I’ll ever be. —John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt

Dear laughter, Despite what detractors may say, studies show that I am in fact the best medicine. —Medicine

TABLES TURNED IN BAR FIGHT Dear Abby, I’ve got so many problems. Yesterday I cut down this cherry tree, and I don’t know whether to tell the truth about it or not. Also, I’ve been dead for over 200 years. —George Washington Dear Literature, Enclosed is my Odyssey fanfiction. Sincerely, Virgil

Dear ranch dressing, cinnamon roll icing, and alfredo sauce, Will you please go to my girlfriend and submit yourselves as evidence that things really are better with white stuff spread all over them? —A man who wants vanilla frosting on his birthday cake, but whose girlfriend insists on using chocolate



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Dear man who invented car dealership wind socks, You have completely ruined my job prospects! Where else are my skills marketable? WANTED: —A whose skills consist of Cure for man cancer. Quickly. not having a spine and dancing enthusiastically

Stork seeks abortion.


Fun for the whole family. If found, Dearplease Gatsby, return to Yahtzee.

From The Yale Record Book of Verse 1872-1922

You think you’re so great? Well, two can play at staring at green lights for long periods You:of time! Me: —A mantheholding my father, world’sup traffic in the saddest clouds lion Dear Froco, Thank you for your help with my luggage. I do not go to school here. —Japanese tourist on Old Campus


Address of better publication’s wanted section.

This man thinks THE YALE RECORD is the “cat’s pyjamas.” See for yourself at our first meeting of the year! September 2, 9 pm, LC 209

TROOP LEADER TELLS GIRL SCOUTS THAT IF THEY CAN’T SELL For Sale-ENOUGH COOKIES, THEY WILL My body, but not my HAVElove. TO ENGAGE IN “OTHER” MEANS OF FUNDRAISING Dear Jurassic Park staffers who got eaten by dinosaurs, You deserved it. —Someone who does not believe that male short shorts are a legitimate fashion choice Fonts: Bell MT regular and italic; Headline One; Headline Two OldStyle Numerals: DTL Elzevir ST Book

Proud, American, Illiterate


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Dear Dr. Applebaum, My mommy wants me to study a lot every day, but sometimes it feels like my brain is sooo full! Can your brain ever actually be full? —Kelly Kerbel, age 9 Dear Kelly, Yes. It can be full of tumors. —Dr. Applebaum


WE DELIVER CAT CHOKES ON SWALLOW Dear Philip, I will not be able to join you for martinis tonight as I cannot hold a martini glass. —A cow Dear Father, Son, and the HOLY SHIT!!! —A man who was about to start praying before getting mauled by a bear Dear awkward silence, T he Y ale R ecoRd Here I come! —A fart

IMPORTED BEERS Dear Aunt Marcy, The hot dogs were cold, the pool smelled, and Cousin Frank is running around without pants. Signed, The state of reunion Dear writers of the song “Down by the Bay,” I have a new first verse for your song. Instead of, “Did you ever see a cat / wearing a hat?” it should henceforth be sung, “Did you ever see a marmoset / on the Greg and Dharma set?” 769 —Thomas Gibson

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The Yale Record


T he F reshman I ssue Dear employee of Coffee Corner, When you gave me a cup with a label saying, “Caution: Contents may be hot,” I imagined that meant that if I spilled, I might get some minor burns on my hands that would heal after a day or two. I did not imagine that my hands would burst into flames, or that demons would force their way out of the lid of the cup and begin clawing at my face. So if you don’t mind, I’d like a refund. And get these demons off me. —Alec


Signed, Secret pancakes

Dear obscure historical references, You frustrate me more than the Battle of Falkirk frustrated the Scottish in 1298. Sincerely, Frustrated in Falkirk Repair Repair


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elcome, Class of 2017! By now, I’m sure that you’ve said the goodbyes, you’ve had the tours, and you’ve made it through the dreaded topbunk/bottom-bunk argument. You’ve started to get out and explore our great campus, from the majestic dome of Commons to the rat-king in the L-dub basement, and you’re making tons of new friends. But, it’s not all sunshine and G-Heav egg and cheeses – you’re in for some tough stuff. Just let me be the first to say: we’re so glad to have you here at Yale, one of America’s top-secret operative training facilities universities! We hope that it doesn’t take you too long to get debriefed adjusted! In the days leading up to basic training the beginning of classes, there are hundreds of push-ups activities for you to take advantage of! You’ll find that Yale offers extracurriculars for basically any type of tactical strategy passion you might want to pursue; some notable ones you may have heard of include the oldest NSA civilian surveillance database college daily (the Yale Daily News) and the oldest collegiate traveling mercenary group with the ability to break a target’s silence with only the power of their pitch-perfect blending a cappella group (the Yale


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Whiffenpoofs). Once shopping period begins, you can check out hundreds of our excellent training regimens academic classes, from CHEM 418: “Melting Human Flesh 101” “Advanced Organic Chemistry” to PLSC 291: “What Not to Do” “A History of Compromise.” On the weekends, you can stress de-stress with friends every once in a while, there will even be special campuswide events where you can scheme while diabolically stroking your uber-fluffy white cat party together at Spring Fling or hunt down and take out your fellow students in a rousing game of assassins Assassins. And, of course, if you’re at all interested in humor writing, art, design, or learning 73 ways to dispose of a dead body using only a butter knife and one match business, then we would love for you to join us here at the Yale Record, America’s oldest elite assassin squad college humor magazine. Besides detailed step-by-step guides to underwater self-defense supplemental materials and random ambushes pranks, we publish monthly, and we are always looking for promising students with sharp knives senses of humor. Our first meeting of the year is Monday, September 2nd in LC 209 at zero dark thirty 9 pm, free pizza provided! Feel free to contact our squadron leader Chairman Jack Newsham for more information ( And if performing is more your style, we also would love for you to try your hand Chairman: Jack Newsham ’14

at our twice-a-semester retaining your cover under pressure stand-up comedy outlet, the Cucumber - just send one of Yale’s specially trained carrier pigeons an email to our class-A seduction master Cucumber liaison, Daniel Fraser, at Regardless of your humor-producing abilities, keep an eye out for our Master’s Teas – in the past we’ve had writers from SNL, the Onion, and the Daily Show, high-profile webcomic artists, and even the infiltrator currently masquerading as Pope Francis Alec Baldwin! In conclusion, class of 2017, if you can get through four years of this, you could do anything: travel to space, become the President, or maybe even get to be the double agent sabotaging Vladimir Putin’s next photo opportunity with an angry trained circus bear that wanted Belvedere but got Dubra the best damn nuclear submarine commander this side of the International Date Line! But make sure that you always remember the most important thing you’ll ever learn here at Yale – never leave home without your ninja throwing star best mischievous grin that screams “Ignore the AK-47, I’m totally trustworthy!” full archive of The Yale Record room keys. —S. Shea The Yale Record August 2013

Editor-in-Chief: Sydney Shea’14

Design Editor: Becky Marvin ’16

Director of Special Projects: Daniel Fraser ’14

Managing Editors: Ben Garfinkel ’16, Nicholas Goel ’16 Online Editor: Emily Sandford ’14 Art Director: Allie Beizer ’15

Publisher: Aaron Gertler ’15

Managing Editor & Supplementals Editor: Scott Stern ’15

Staff Director: Zach Schloss ’15

Business Manager: Ian Gonzalez ’16

Publicity Manager & Copy Editor: Claudia Shin ’16

Recruitment Director: Ethan Campbell-Taylor ’16

Legal Counsel: Mitchell Nobel, LAW ’16 Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Victoria Kim ’15, Travis Reginal ’16, Sylvia Zhang ’15, Claire Zhang ’15 Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Jacob Abolafia ’10, Serena Gelb ’15, Madeleine Henry ’14, David Klumpp ’10, Ben Orlin ’09, Lincoln Sedlacek ’13, Ilana Strauss ’13, Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and all the slightly-less-than-freshmen. Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by David Shatan-Pardo ’15, an avid supporter of environmentally-friendly natural methods of transportation. Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLII, No. 1, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2013 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.

DISCONTINUED PRE-ORIENTATION PROGRAMS Freshman Indoor Orientation Trips (FIOT) Originally conceived as the counterpart to FOOT for lazy and non-athletic freshmen, this program involved sleeping in tents in Payne Whitney, ordering delivery for every meal, and lying in a hammock with piña coladas in a generally slobbish state of contentment. Side-trips were taken to local video arcades and all-you-can-eat buffets, by air-conditioned chartered buses, of course. Cancelled after all prefrosh refused to apply to any other program. Harvest 2 (H2) Offered freshman the opportunity to work in a biotech facility that illegally manufactured and harvested human organs for sale on the black market to supplement the Yale endowment. Discontinued after Yale Corp. discovered that just stealing existing organs from poor people was actually more cost-effective. Your New Home and You (YNHY) Designed to teach incoming freshman from suburban, rich, and other such affluent areas how to get by in New Haven. Seminars and lectures included “Minimizing racial profiling, maximizing not getting mugged,” “Avoiding eye contact with the flower lady,” and “Non-awkward ways to respond to a homeless person’s babble as they go through your trash on Old Campus.” Program concluded with a

special bus-tour of scenic New Haven—from behind the bulletproof windows of an armored tank-bus. Cancelled after the student in charge walked into New Haven at night to do research for the program and was never seen again. Freshman Pledge (FP) An extended “pledge” period for freshman interested in getting to know Yale’s ancient fraternity culture, bonding with other incoming students, and generally degrading themselves for an institution that hardly cares about them. Run by the DKE fraternity, this program operated under the slogan “Prepare to lose your innocence.” Ended under pressure from President Levin, who said in a public statement that “harassing new members of the community is central to Yale’s illustrious culture, but beer waterboarding seems like a bit much.” Making Friends (MF) A pre-orientation program whose sole purpose was to appeal to people who pretty much just wanted to “avoid being lonely as fuck for the first week of Yale.” Activities were low-key and involved no group icebreakers, stupid fucking songs, or pointless bonding exercises. The Yale administration chose to discontinue the program due to its “lack of group icebreakers, stupid fucking songs, and pointless bonding exercises.” —I. Gonzalez


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MY FIRST TIME AT TOAD’S Well, gosh, this isn’t so bad. What’s everyone talking about, anyway? Sure, those people outside are a little… different. So many glittery white girls in high heels and guys with unusual tattoos—it looks just like that nightmare I had about prom. And waiting in line wasn’t exactly a dream—it smelled like cigarettes and I don’t even know what. But, hey, I’m actually here. I made it. I’m here at Toad’s! Yesterday, six of my closest friends and I decided tonight was going to be the night. Saturday Night Toad’s. We all got super “smashed” in Bingham; well, I actually only had a few sips of Keystone, but maybe I’m “buzzed,” you know? I’m theoretically approaching “hammered” or “shwasted” or something. We’re all dressed up—I’m wearing a polo shirt (tucked in of course) and my most sensible shoes. We stroll into Toad’s like nobody’s business. I’m secretly petrified, but I’m a good actor— the picture of cool. Wow, that stage is pretty big, isn’t it? I hear some rap music on—it sounds like P. Diddly or someone. How exciting! Hmm, I expected to see a bit more frog paraphernalia, but I guess that’s just one of life’s little mysteries. Gee,

so many grimy people! So what exactly do we do here…? Look at that, some of those glittery women in heels. You’re from where? Oh, well, that’s…Quinnipiac sure is a fun word to say! My, that’s a short skirt, but, yes, it does look good on you. What a lovely lower back tattoo—and, wow, it goes lower. Oh, I’m so sorry, let me introduce myself. Hmmm, not one for shaking hands, I see, alright. Oh, hello…so we’re going to dance? I don’t know you too well, but…oh, well yes, if you insist. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen that particular shade of eyeshadow, but it looks…oh my! Well, yes, now we really are dancing aren’t we? That’s a nice rhythm. Mmhm…you’re good with those hips, yes indeed. I’ll admit that my only experience dancing was awhile back. Not to brag, but I was the king of slow-dancing back in middle school. Oh, you don’t know it? It’s easy, I just put my hands on your hips—well, maybe a little above your hips—and you drape yours around my…no, no, not down there. Errr, alright, but I…yes, that feels…interesting. Hmm I’ve never danced like this before. Gee! Oh dear, I’m afraid I have to go to the bathroom. Is there a…oh, it’s outside? But all I see is a bus… —S. Stern

SIGNS YOU AND YOUR ROOMMATE WON’T GET ALONG You were told you had a single They say, “We might not get along” Their favorite word is “irregardless” They keep asking if your mom is single They play avant-garde tuba They think they’re a minotaur Their Twitter handle is “Imracistandhavealoudalarmclock” They put socks on the doorknob when no one’s there They only communicate via Snapchat They casually mention their cannibalism They set up mouse traps in your bed They keep eating all your computer paper They’ve been banned from the great state of Arkansas They mention their cannibalism in a really forced, pretentious way They are actually a minotaur —Staff








Most people believe that the unusual design of these twin colleges, which almost entirely lack right angles, was the result of architect Eero Saarinen being all cutting-edge and modern. In actuality, the contractors hired to build Stiles and Morse were just terrible at reading blueprints. It’s miraculous that the buildings didn’t collapse immediately after construction. The colleges were recently renovated in a desperate attempt to correct this wonkiness; unfortunately, Yale accidentally hired the same contractors as before, so the strange angles are more pronounced than ever. However, no one is allowed to complain about this since the buildings won some architecture award in 2011.





(underground) DW




Harkness Tower was originally intended to be the first vehicle to take humans to Mars. The rocket was fully functional and ready for liftoff, but some killjoy pointed out that the heat from the launch would have incinerated all of Old Campus. After much discussion by the administration and some whining by current freshmen, the project was discontinued. A number of disgruntled, wealthy aeronautics students then founded the Carillonneurs specifically to annoy everyone within two blocks of the tower. CHAPEL



















In the midst of a series of Viking attacks in the early 20th century, Yale decided to build a shelter to which people could retreat until the raiders had cleared out. After the last of these invasions (during the reign of Erik the Crimson), this shelter was converted into Commons dining hall. It still retains a number of handy siege features, including blast walls, boiling tar, and endless pizza. To this day, no students of Scandinavian descent may eat there. BASS LIBRARY: A SUBTERRANEAN WELLSPRING OF KNOWLEDGE, NOW RID OF MOLE PEOPLE




This ancient building is arguably the least-understood site on campus. Leading anthropologists are certain it was built by humans, but carbon dating suggests the structure dates back to the late Triassic Period. Its current inhabitant, the philosophy department, was created solely to speculate as to the identity of the time-traveler responsible. The prevailing theory claims that it was either Bill Clinton, Nathan Hale, or both, though this idea has caused much dissent among the faculty.


In ancient days, Bass actually sat above ground. But one fateful day, a massive earthquake struck Yale’s campus and caused the entire library to sink into the abyssal depths. Once it had settled, mole people colonized the building and developed the Dewey Decimal System. Eventually, Yale maintenance drove out the wretched vermin, and humans adopted their great invention for organizational purposes. Fun fact: no one knows if this studying hotspot was named for the fish or the rock instrument.




Yale University

Frequently Asked Questions

1. Does Yale accept credit based on Advanced Placement or International Baccalaureate exams? Does England accept Pennsylvania driver’s licenses?   2. How strong are Yale’s science and engineering programs? Physics Chair Meg Urry can bench press 300 Newtons worth of dead weights, the first woman to achieve such distinction in the field. Yale’s earth science offerings also require amazing stamina—for instance, Geology 120, which for the past 6 years has graduated exclusively members of the Yale football team. 3. Does Yale offer opportunities for undergraduate research? Independent research is an integral part of Yale education, and grants of up to $10,000 are awarded to students who have demonstrated their qualifications by asking nicely or by tripping over the application pile on their way to Safety Dance.   4. What should I buy for my room? The University provides each student with a desk, a chair, and directions to IKEA. Larger items such as a couch, a TV, and a diesel-powered gravity bongs should be coordinated with your suitemates ahead of time.   5. Will I finally lose my virginity freshman year? While you might be looking for a yes or no answer, you’ll find that college offers a large gray area of ambiguous and often humiliating sexual experiences, after which, while still technically a virgin, you will not feel pure ever again. Happy exploring!   6. What is the average class size? “Average” can be a very misleading term. As can “class” and “size.” If the question you were asking is, “Will I be able to understand the Laotian TA for my Intro to English Writing seminar?” the answer is no. 7. Do Yale students study abroad? Although many students are reluctant to leave extracurricular leadership positions in order to spend time abroad, others dodge this conundrum by joining crappy clubs they don’t feel bad leaving, or by living in Timothy Dwight, which is located just two blocks from the Canadian border. 8. What is the percentage of courses taught by graduate students? Yale forbids its graduate students from entering classrooms or interacting with undergraduates in any way. If you see a graduate student posing a discussion question or attempting to operate a projector, notify the Registrar immediately. 9. Does Yale have Special Secret All-Purpose Blue Security Phones? Why yes!   10. How can I make friends at Yale? Yale provides innumerable locations for students to mingle and socialize, from residential college libraries to the stacks at SML to the Bass Subterranean Fun Center.  —J. Abolafia and D. Klumpp

Guide to Drunk New Haven Dining Zagat has selected the best drunk dining restaurants in New Haven based on our most recent survey. This list includes the top rated drunk dining New Haven restaurants as listed in our Connecticut guide.

Alpha Delta





Described by customers as “wenzel,” “wenzel,” and “wenzel,” Alpha Delta is known for its classic sandwiches. But don’t ignore the “sickened” atmosphere, which is “like a hangover for your eyes.” The delivery, on the other hand, “still isn’t here, what the fuck?”, although some argue “Dude, you just ordered it like five minutes ago!”






With pizza described as “not the worst” and “Did you know they serve Greek food here too?”, Yorkside is a popular destination among Yalies at all hours. However, make sure to stop by on a weekend after nearby Toad’s closes, in order to watch the parade of “naked” and “stumbling” QPac girls, who make sure to stop by a restaurant they call “Oh, God, it’s so warm in here”, “I’m starving”, and “Where am I?”

Something You Make Yourself





You can’t beat the convenience of “Fuck it, let’s just make something here,” but it’s important to consider the risks, because “What do we have to make anything out of?” The innovative chef, you, has been known to “just throw everything together” and, many say, “it’ll be great.” Remember, though, you don’t have a car on campus, so “maybe don’t start any fires.” Beyond that, options abound, as long as you’re willing to find out the answer to questions like “Do Parmesan and hot sauce go together?” You may regret it in the morning, but it’ll have you saying “Oh man, this is so good, why have we never thought of this before?” all night.

Gourmet Heaven





Most great New Haven nights include the phrase “Let’s go to G-Heav.” And there’s good reason; whether you want a “Bacon Egg Cheese”, a “fucking” Philly Cheesesteak, or “one of those weird fucking foreign candies that’s like kiwi or some shit,” you can’t go wrong. Plus, it’s hard to beat the convivial atmosphere, as you can expect to see “everybody I know” if you go at two in the morning. Be prepared to spend big though, as “this shit is expensive as shit”.

An Entire Bag of Chips




Found in the back of the cabinets where “I totally forgot I had this bag of chips,” nothing turns around a sad and drunken evening like plowing into these chips, which are “so good.” Frequent eaters warn, “I probably shouldn’t eat this whole bag” and “Oh man, I’m so fucking full,” but, given that they say it through a mouthful of chips, take it with a grain of salt (Get it?). Still, if you’re looking for healthier options, be sure to try to “share some of those fucking chips, Brad.” Written by M. Nobel - Designed by S. Shea



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“Movies and Munchies!” with the Film Studies Department Wednesday, 9:00 PM @ Every Residential College Movie Theater Think you might want to major in Film Studies, but worry that watching several movies a week might be a little too much work? Come give it a try now by watching movies with faculty from the Film Studies Department while partaking in some delicious New Haven food! Drop by Silliflicks for “The Thali Too Towers.” The Ezra Stiles Crescent Underground Theater will be hosting “It’s a Wenzelful Life.” Or stop by Calhoun for “Schindler’s List…of All the Different Kinds of Claire’s Cake!” “Death by Chocopologie” with the Office of Undergraduate Admissions Monday, 4:00 PM @ Undergraduate Admissions Office

How to Spot an Over-Eager Roommate —S. Gelb

STUDY BREAKS THE CALENDAR OF OPENING DAYS FORGOT TO MENTION “Not Drinking” with Not DKE Monday, 10:00 PM @ DKE House Last year, the Office of Student Affairs decided that freshmen should not be allowed to participate in fraternity and sorority rush events until the second semester of the year. Because their fraternity house will thus not be able to be used for freshmen events, the fraternity DKE has graciously allowed Yale Students for Responsibility (or some other Boy Scout group) to host an event in their house that doesn’t involve any drinking. It probably involves some sort of boring workshop on how to drink responsibly and have responsible sexual interactions. There will also be lame drinks like tea and fruit punch. Anyway, all of the freshmen should come, and it if any of them have an akefay it’d be nice for them to bring a andle-hay of ubra-Day.

Last year, the Office of Undergraduate Admissions accidentally admitted too many students, resulting in a potentially uncomfortable housing situation for this year’s freshmen. To make up for this inconvenience, Undergrad Admissions is hosting a delicious study break catered by Chocopologie! These gourmet chocolates will be delicious, and will definitely not have been poisoned in an effort to correct the Office of Undergraduate Admissions’ mistake. “We Have Culture, Too!” with the Caucasian Cultural House Tuesday, 11:00 AM @ TBD White students of Yale, do you ever feel as though your racial background is devoid of cultural significance? Good cultural significance, I mean – not all that tragic stuff about oppression and discrimination and – worst of all – putting Nicholas Cage in more movies. Well, we’re here to tell you that you, a white person, do have a claim to culture – even if you’re not gay or Jewish! Come to pleasant brunch with the Caucasian Cultural House, after which we will partake in a thrilling game of croquet. A variety of “white” foods will be served, from corn dogs to tuna salad to a fruit and cheese tray (we also ask that everyone bring a homemade casserole). Note: If no space can be found to host the brunch, “We Have Culture, Too!” will take place in one of Yale’s other four cultural houses. —L. Sedlacek


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THE RUM MIS-TAKEN Two girls drank beer around a keg, And sorry I could not hit on each, I stared at one chick’s well-tanned leg, and thought, “She’s yours, you’ve made it, Greg!” And felt a hook-up in my reach. The other one was just as hot, And easier, for I could see She was long past her seventh shot, Though plentiful supply of pot Had ebbed their judgments equally. My mental state was in decline, But as we finished off my rum, Their blurry eyes stared into mine; I knew I neared the finish line And slid a hand over one’s bum.

SIGNS YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE SECTION ASSHOLE Your classmates always glare at you as soon as you raise your hand You did the readings for the entire semester during shopping period You start every class comment with, “Piggybacking off of what Sarah said…” Sarah refuses to sit next to you anymore Your annotations could make up their own assigned reading Everyone seems to disagree with your comments all the time, even though you’re always right During shopping period, people see you in their section and leave immediately People keep accidentally passing you notes that read, “Shut up, section asshole.” Sarah punches you in your smart-ass mouth —C. Shin

When asked for details, I’ll reply (As my poor head begins to pound): “Two girls threw up on me, and I, I panicked and began to cry, And passed out wasted on the ground.” —I. Strauss

YALE SLANG “Let’s grab a meal sometime” = I never want to see you again “So do you know what you’re doing this summer?” = I do, and I really want to tell you “I’m from ‘the city’” = I grew up amidst fabulous luxury on the Upper East Side, pleb “How about lunch in Saybrook?” = I’m trying to poison you “Handsome Dan” = that super hairy AEPi bro who really hates cats “Walk of shame” = That long walk to the front of the room to give a presentation that you aren’t adequately prepared for “FroCos” = Frog corpses “Woads” = Wednesday night toads—for those who are still hungry after the frogs —S. Stern

Bunking with the quarterback was the worst experience of Todd’s short life.

—S. Gelb

TOP TEN THAI RESTAURANTS IN NEW HAVEN Thai Taste Taste of Thai House of Thai House of Tasty Thai Haunted Thai House Tasty Taste of House Thai Son of Thai Taste Taste That? That’s Thai The House That Pad Thai Built Bangkok Gardens —B. Orlin


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Unfortunately, Yale’s ID swipes are not yet bulldog-friendly.

—A. Beizer

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I HAVE SEX WITH MY GIRLFRIEND, AND THIS IS WHAT IT IS LIKE You guys wanna know what sex is like? Well, I can tell you. I can tell you, because I have definitely had sex. A LOT of sex. Yeah. So, sex. Sex is…amazing. It feels amazing. Like masturbating, only better. The first part of sex is, uh, the beginning, and it’s my favorite part, because it means we still have all that sex to do. We start by getting naked. I always help her take off her clothes, which is kind of difficult, if you think about it, because everything’s backwards from my perspective. Plus I’m usually distracted by her lingerie, which is SUPER sexy. It has, like, lace and stuff. Then she helps me take off my clothes, in a fast/slow kind of way. She looks really good naked. She’s got these boobs that are like, you know, right where they are supposed to be. And they feel really good, like lots of skin in one place, like a butt. When we start kissing (still naked), she asks me sexy questions, like: “What is your favorite sexual position?” and “Remember last time we had sex? It was so sexy.” And I tell her other sexy things like, “Yeah, and I’m gonna sex you up again,” and “Hey babe, you ready for my sex?” Then we start, you know, the middle part. We’re usually super sweaty by that time, because it’s been an hour. The middle is my second favorite part of sex, because, I just feel so horny. It’s when all the action goes

down, you know. The part where I put my, uh, thing, in her, uh, holder. We like to do this a lot, because that’s what sex is, and it feels really awesome. My girlfriend is really good at sex; she got like an A- in her biology class, and she knows all the parts of the male body, like the penis and the balls. Of course, I’m also really good at sex. I know because she told me I am, and it makes sense, because I’ve had a lot of practice masturbating, and I saw an NC-17 movie once by accident. Anyway, after the middle part comes the end part, when we both have orgasms at the same time. Orgasms also feel amazing. They’re pretty hard to describe to someone who’s never had one before, but I guess I would say they’re like the peak of the plateau phase of the sexual response cycle, characterized by an intense sensation of pleasure, and experienced by males and females. Yeah, that’s about right. After, when she is helping me put my clothes back on, and I am helping her put on her clothes, we like to talk about all the porn we watched that week. And then we like to talk about the sex that we’ve had in the past, all of that sex. We’ve had a lot of sex, so that always takes a while. Then she bikes back to her house, but I know she’ll be back, because we’re dating, and girls like to have sex, especially my girlfriend, probably because I’m so good at it. Oh yeah and I wore a condom. —M. Henry

The only available shower on FOOT.

—S. Zhang


T he F reshman I ssue

Dear facial hair, Dear cars behind and in front of me, BACK TO SCHOOL: Why have you left me? We had such Like, omigod. I am soooooooo sorry. a good thing going! —Teen learning to parallel park WHAT STICollege WILL THE COOL KIDS BE Street Cycles —The American presidency CARRYING THIS YEAR? Repair Repair Dear masculinity, Repair, Apparel There’s no escape! Mua-hahahaha! SOPHOMORE DECLARES and Accessories Dear Gollum, —Putting on chapstick MAJOR, SEXUALITY Apparel Okay, I appreciate the fact that we Apparel Shifting, Shifting, Braking Braking & & Wheels Wheels All Repairs Welcome All Repairs Welcome Guaranteed Guaranteed Parts Parts & & Repairs Repairs

Mon-Thurs. have to climb this mountain, and that you should lead the10:00-7:00 way because you know where we’re going, but seriously, Fri-Sat could you pin the front and back of 10:00-5:00 your loin cloth together or something? Bike Locks I’m seeing a bit too much of “your precious,” if you know what I’m saying. —Sam Dear Yale Admissions, A quota of zero is still a quota! —Gila monsters

Cold Dear nunchucks, Cold Weather Weather Gear Gear Cycling Cycling Shorts Shorts Shit. I heard you would make an Dear viewers, Protective Protective Equipment Equipment excellent weapon for defending my Butterfly Accessories Accessories church, but I really should have looked in the sky Full Selection Full Selection of of Bicycle Bicycle Accessories Accessories up exactly what you were before I can get making any assumptions. Now that twice as high. I’ve hurled all the Sisters out the stainJust take a drag glass windows, it’s probably going to be along you tag even harder to stop the barbarians from with me to Reading Rainbow. torching this place. —LeVar Burton smoking a reefer Contritely, Father John


T he Y ale R ecord


Fine Indian Cuisine

Dear Doctor Who, So you got your good ratings by being a show about guy who travels through “A treat for the asenses.” Courant time and space and—Hartford helps people. I bet “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes.” I can use that same—New basicYork concept and Times get even better ratings. Hours —Trixie Turnblad’s Lunch Time-Traveling Titties Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM

“A Treat for the senses” —Hartford Courant “Amid elegance, a variety of Indian dishes” —New York Times Hours Lunch Monday - Saturday: 11:30 AM - 2:30 PM Sunday: 12:00 PM - 3:00 PM Dinner Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644

For Sale-My body, but not my love.

Dear Sprinkles, the 4th grade class Dinner hamster, Sunday - Thursday: 5:00 PM - 10:00 PM I will destroy you if it’s the last Friday - Saturday: 5:00 PM - 10:30 PM goddamn thing I do. —Tiddlywinks, the 5th grade Fast, Free Delivery class hamster

Every Day Lunch Buffet 148 York Street, New Haven, CT 06511 203-776-8644

OSCAR MEYER WEINERMOBILE CRASHES INTO PERFORMANCE OF VAGINA MONOLOGUES Dear Yale a cappella groups, So, I love your music and all, and I think the fact that you’re singing in random spots around campus to try to recruit freshmen is really cool, but could you at least serenade me from the next stall over? —Maggie Beluni, TD ’17 who just wanted to use the bathroom, for God’s sake Dear Big Bang, Keep it down, will you?! I’m serious! I’m trying to work here! —God



Local breakfast & lunch café

s Zoi’ Orange on

We Cater Hours: Monday - Thursday 7 am - 6 pm Friday Saturday 7am - 3 pm

7:30 am - 1:30 pm

338 1/2 Orange Street New Haven, CT 06511 P: 203.777.6736 F: 203.777.6740 Catering: 203.777.6735


Fun for the whole family. If found, please return to Yahtzee.

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T he Y ale R ecord




Dear Fro-Yo, It appears the better abbreviation won. Congratulations. Dejectedly, Zen-Gurt Dear stormy oceans, That’s it. You’re off the Christmas cards. —The Spanish armada


57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

57 BROADWAY, NEW HAVEN, CT 203-789-2157

Dear Yale Record, I heard a joke today that made use of a commonly known stereotype and also contained some edgy sexual innuendo. Needless to say, I laughed for hours. Sincerely, Someone who’s just kidding Dear oranges, I can’t wait to peel your skin off and eat you. —An orange cannibal Dear Fred, You’ll never change me. —A counterfeit $100 bill Dear Asian fusion, You are both bad physics and bad teriyaki. —Quentin Jezek, ES ’14


1210 Chapel Street (just two blocks from the Yale Rep!)

Tuesday & Thursday 9-6 Wednesday & Friday 9-8 Saturday 8:30-4



Guys: Meet Joe the barber!

Cuts $20 Cut & Hot towel Shave $40

Ladies: Great Cuts, Great Colors

Be classic or a trend setter and save! Cut/Color Glaze $75

Everyone: Manicure/ Pedicure with or without polish $40

We want to be your salon of choice while here in New Haven. 100% satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back.

Student discounts Tuesday through Friday!



Forget the bulky water bottle. Try minimalist hydration!



Pour a perfect 1.5-ounce helping of chocolate syrup at your next ice cream sundae party!


For protein shakes. Or anything else you feel like shaking!


Katahdin: Good clean fun. ;)

60 Whitney Avenue (one block from Timothy Dwight)

The 2013 Freshman Issue  

The 2013 Freshman Issue of The Yale Record, America's Oldest College Humor Magazine

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