Vol. 141, No. 3
TH E YALE
Oct. 29, 2012
THE YALE RECORD PRESENTS: INFOGR
APHICS YOU WON'T FIND ON CNN
L A M I N A Y T I R CELEB S D N E R T G N I VOT Long, long ago Legendary sea monster Primary Concern: Attention
Nessie has always considered herself an anarchist, and so has loudly refused to endorse anyone in any political race. Eventually this viewpoint earned her the label of “dangerous monster,” and people stopped talking to her, making her political opinion sadly irrelevant. Lately, she’s undergone a resurgence, becoming a “legitimate” news analyst for all of the major American networks, although close friends say her ulterior motive is to “teke oot them laddies from th’inside.”
Beloved children’s television actor/actress Primary Concern: Gender Roles Lassie constantly had trouble finding his/her place in the traditional political climate, as he/she identified as a male/female dog depending on the gender with which he/she was identifying at any given moment. Before the 1956 election, Lassie tried to rally the other bi-gender stage animals to sway the candidates’ platforms through his/her new political group, the He/ She His/Hers Steadfast Hope for Acceptance Association [H/SH/HSHAA, pronounced hish-sh-shah]. Unfortunately, bi-gender stage animals were not as prevalent as he/she thought they were. Eventually Lassie decided not to cast a vote for either of the two seemingly apathetic candidates, but to stay home and work on his/her spoken word instead.
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The Obama family dog Primary Concern: Rebellion Now a teenaged pup, Bo is entering his rebellious phase by casting a vote for libertarian candidate Gary Johnson in the 2012 election. He claims to be an avid supporter of the politician’s anti-war foreign policy and ideas on the legalization of marijuana - although the dissension might secretly be because the Obama family has started buying him generic Milkbones and WalMart brand kibble. Either way, I guess that’s what they call biting the hand that feeds you.
Sled dog who saved Nome, Alaska Primary Concern: Healthcare
1920 1930 1940 1950 1960 1970 1980
After saving 93% of the cutest children in Alaska (plus two of the ugliest ones) by bringing them diphtheria medication in 1925, Balto decided that he didn’t have to fade into obscurity like that one other dog who single-pawedly saved lives that one time. Thus, he turned from sled racing to his second love: presidential campaigning. Test audiences took a liking to both his friendly brand of scruffiness and scruffy brand of friendliness, which he put to good use in over twenty ads for Franklin Roosevelt’s campaign. His notable slogans include Heroic New Dog Supports the Heroic New Deal, Balto for Franklin’s Balanced Budget, and Balto Votes Democrat: Because You Don’t Have to Be a White Man to Like FDR. Unfortunately, Balto passed away just two years before he could have gotten oldage insurance under 1935’s Social Security Act.
Obese, food-loving cartoon cat Primary Concern: The Food Economy Garfield has always had a favorite politician since reading about him in middle school, a man whom he views as a kindred soul because of his love of justice and lasagna: William Howard Taft. He has given Taft a write-in vote in all of the six American presidential races he has been eligible to vote for, perhaps not realizing that Taft has not only already been elected the President of the United States, but has also been dead for roughly eighty years.
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WRITT EN DESIGN AND ED B S. SHE Y A
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ININTHE THEHEART HEARTOFOFYALE; YALE;NOW NOWDELIVERING DELIVERINGININTHE THECHAPEL CHAPELAREA! AREA! Dear Fort Minor, So, I actually have a PhD in mathematics. I just checked your arithmetic, and “10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will, 5% pleasure, 50% pain, and 100% reason to remember the name” adds up to 200%, not 100%. You must be so embarrassed right now. Sincerely, Dr. Dre
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT SMILES CREEPILY AT CHILD, EVERYONE ELSE ON SUBWAY SORT OF OK WITH IT Dear professor who makes me use the book he wrote in the class he teaches, How should I refer to the author in my paper: by name or by the jackass trying to make a mint off of me trying to do the reading? —Someone who smells a scam
FORMER SKIIER WINS LOCAL ELECTION IN A LANDSLIDE Dear fans of American Pie, Nope. That’s not what happens. Sorry to disappoint. —Someone who actually went to band camp Dear rock, Why doesn’t anyone ever want to sit between us? —A hard place Dear Mitt Romney, I am sorry to say that I can longer support you. While I was once drawn to your private sector success and to your handsome, presidential appearance, I have now gradually come to see you as, at your core, an empty and fundamentally dishonest man. I hope that by the end of November I will no longer need to see your face. Sincerely, Ann Romney
Dear Marilyn, Some may like it hot, but some like it cold, okay? And some like it in the pot, nine days old. Don’t be so particular. —Pease Porridge Dear Malcolm, You think you’re so big and bad, you big bully! Well I’ll tell you something: sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me! —Timmy, 3rd grade, right before the school marquee fell over and crushed him Dear Neville, When you took off your pants last night, your last name finally sense. No, that isn’t normal. —Hannah Abbott
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MUSLIM STUDENTS IGNORANT ABOUT HALAL FOOD, NEED MO’ HAM ED. Dear Mr. Silverstein, I very much liked your book, Where the Sidewalk Ends. It was really cool and made me feel really special, because I already totally knew where the sidewalk ends! It ends right behind my house, where that man in the trench coat sells plastic baggies of powdered sugar! —Katy, age 6 Dear Katy, This is very important. You must never tell anyone about that man. If you do, I will no longer be able to get my “inspiration” to write more poems. Do you understand me? Good. —Shel Silverstein Dear literature professor, If you’re going to call pretty much anything that’s longer than it is wide a phallic symbol, then isn’t Prince Hamlet just one giant, walking phallic symbol waving around a phallus weapon with his phallic symbol fingers? It seems like the only things in the play you can’t call phallic symbols are the abstract concepts like time. Respectfully, Dave Dear Dave, Are you familiar with the expression “the arrow of time”? —Your literature professor Dear class, Hey, guys, now’s our chance! While Mrs. Ramona is gone, let’s give Johnny a wedgie and hang him from the flag by his underwear! —Principal Reed
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COOL TEACHER SITS BACKWARDS IN CHAIR, INSPIRES INNER-CITY YOUTH
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hen the staff of The Yale Record said they wanted to do an Electoral Issue, I had immediate concerns. Were we politically savvy enough to tackle such a subject? Could we refrain from showing a liberal bias? How on earth would we fill our dead-baby-joke quota with such a serious topic? I hadn’t had this many doubts about an issue theme since Michelle proposed the Swimsuit Issue – an idea I mercifully put an end to by suggesting the cover depict me in a speedo, Jell-O wrestling with President Richard Levin (we don’t have the budget for that much Jell-O). Fortunately, my worries were groundless. The staff was as informed about the topic as they were about any other we wrote on; a quick survey revealed that at least 63% of them knew that an election was coming up, and of those, almost 10% could explain what an election was. As for my fear of a liberal bias, a second poll showed that the staff ’s political views were equally divided in their focus on liberalism and conservatism; half of the staff consisted of Democrats, and the other half thought Republicans were idiots. Halfway through the writing cycle, however, I realized we still hadn’t found a solution to the deadbaby-joke problem. The Managing Editors and I tried desperately to brainstorm ways to work dead babies
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into the election theme, but, coming up with nothing, resigned ourselves to the fact that this would simply have to be a dead-baby-less volume of the Record. Earlier in the writing cycle we might have been able to switch to a different theme, but the issue had already come much too far for us to abort it now. However, in trying to determine if the staff was informed enough to write about the election, my discoveries filled me instead with a new concern: if they were informed enough to vote in it. After all, our 40-orso staffers and contributors could swing the Connecticut presidential polls – at 51 and 42 percent, last time I checked – a whole 0.00012 percentage points. And those percentage points probably shouldn’t be decided by a group of people who think the phrase “foreign affairs” refers to East Asia sticking its Thai-Malay Peninsula down Canada’s Northwest Passage all the way into its Hudson Bay. So I began the difficult process of politically educating the staff of The Yale Record. It wasn’t easy. The heterosexual males on the staff decided to look up pictures from the 2008 election to “jog their memories about what an election was like,” and soon their computers were infected with viruses thanks to search queries like “sarah palin whipped cream bra” and “sarah palin bikini riding dinosaur” and “sarah palin making informed decisions.” Everyone else at least managed to stay focused on the 2012 election,
but they all asked to be excused to Mental Health & Counseling after accidentally viewing a picture of Michele Bachmann’s face. In the end, I realized informing the Record staff about the 2012 election might not be possible until 2014 or so. But as long as I still have some space, I’d like to inform you, the American public (or at least, the three people who will likely read this editorial), about how you can get more involved with The Yale Record! All you have to do is e-mail email@example.com, or come to one of our staff meetings on Mondays at 9 PM in LC 208. Or, if you feel uncomfortable joining in the weekly Record staff tradition of talking smack about Zach behind his back but still want to read the magazine, you can e-mail firstname.lastname@example.org to receive monthly notifications when issues are available in dining halls, along with a link to the online version of each issue! Oh, and don’t worry about the staff ruining America with their uninformed votes. I’ve told them that we’re all taking a group bus to the polls; we’ll meet outside our office bright and early on November 6th! Once they get there, I’ll chloroform them and go vote myself. —L. Sedlacek The Yale Record October 2012
Chairman: Michelle Taylor ’13
Editor-in-Chief: Lincoln Sedlacek ’13 Publisher: Jack Newsham ’14 Design Editor: Sydney Shea ’14 Managing Editors: Aaron Gertler ’15, Mitchell Nobel ’13, Zachary Schloss ’15 Art Director & Publicity Manager: Ilana Strauss ’13 Video Director: Natey Weinstein ’14 Online Editor & Supplementals Editor: Emily Sandford ’14 Staff Director: Daniel Fraser II ’14 Staff Writers, Artists, & Designers: Juliet deButts ’14, Ben Green ’14, Vic Hall ’15, Spencer Katz ’13, Andrew Sobotka ’15, Ellen Su ’13, Autumn Von Plinsky ’13, Catherine White ’13, Sylvia Zhang ’15 Old Owls: David Kemper ’13, Jerry Wang ’13 Senior Editors: Alli Hugi ’13 Contributing Writers, Artists, & Designers: Allie Beizer ’15, Andrew Calder ’13, Nicholas Goel ’16, Ian Gonzalez ’16, Christopher Homburger ’16, Angus Ledingham GR ’12, Rebecca Marvin ’16, Anne O’Brien ’16, Eshe Sherley ’16, Claudia Shin ’16, Andrew Stautz ’16, Darcy Tuttle ’16, Claire Zhang ’15 Special Thanks to: Michael Gerber, Gwyneth Tuckett, and Ralph Nader Cover: This month’s cover was illustrated by Ilana Strauss, whose attempts to breed an “elephonkey” have resulted only in a sexually-unsatisfied ass Founded September 11, 1872 • Vol. CXLI, No. 3, Published in New Haven, CT by The Yale Record, Inc. Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520 • yalerecord.com/magazine • Subscriptions: $50/year (print) • $10/year (electronic) All contents copyright 2012 The Yale Record, Inc. The Yale Record is a magazine produced by Yale students; Yale University is not responsible for its contents. Any resemblance to characters and events portrayed herein, without satirical intent, is purely coincidental. The Record grudgingly acknowledges your right to correspond: letters should be addressed to: Chairman, The Yale Record, PO Box 204732, New Haven, CT 06520, or email@example.com. Offer only valid at participating retailers while supplies last. The Yale Record would like to high-five the UOFC for its financial support.
ELECTION OF THE FICTIONAL PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES With the convention season over, the candidates are back on the campaign trail, focusing heavily on states likely to tip what has become a surprisingly close contest. Jed Bartlett, as played by Martin Sheen in the longrunning drama The West Wing, has sought to reinforce his case for re-election as Fictional President of the United States with a new series of ads airing in Florida, Ohio, and Virginia emphasizing his benign liberalism, personal decency, and witty dialogue laced with references to things Aaron Sorkin likes. Nonetheless, the Democrats appear to be on the back foot after a recent surge in support for Republican candidate James Marshall, the president played by Harrison Ford in the action movie Air Force One. Marshall’s hard line on national security appears to be paying off: GOP pollster Frank Luntz noted on Fox News yesterday that “Marshall’s promise to beat Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to a pulp in front of the United Nations General Assembly has clearly struck a chord with independent voters, so I think we can expect to see him taking similar positions on Russia and North Korea in the coming weeks.” However, Marshall has taken some flak this week over his choice of running mate, New York senator Christopher Marshall (no relation), the one J.Lo ends up with in Maid in Manhattan. The Bartlett campaign has derided the former romantic lead, seeking to characterize him as a political lightweight who has yet to play a serious policy role, although Republicans hope that his moderate image
will appeal to swing voters. Exchanges between the two camps became increasingly bitter last week after James Marshall threatened to pull out of the first presidential debate, claiming he would be at an unfair disadvantage because his speech writers were unaccustomed to dealing with situations that didn’t directly involve terrorists. The parameters of the election have not been free of controversy: the Supreme Court is due to issue a five-four ruling today over the quixotic third party candidacy of Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter. The Justice Department has argued that he is constitutionally ineligible to serve as Fictional President, on the grounds that he bears too close a resemblance to a real president. Mr. Lincoln has almost no chance of being elected, but concern about the growing undead populations in Louisiana and Washington means that he may scrape a plurality in one or both of those states. Inspired by the oddly popular internet parlor game of ‘electing’ America’s best fictional president (go see), the contest has attracted a surprisingly large following since Politifact.com declared that pledges made by fictional characters were more likely to be adhered to than those of real candidates. —A. Ledingham
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FLORIDA GOES BLOOD-RED Tuesday, November 6th, 2012 8:47 PM ORLANDO - With a mere 20,000-vote margin of victory, Mitt Romney has taken Florida and will receive the state’s 27 electoral votes, despite most forecasters predicting a Democratic majority this year. This loss is a huge blow to the Obama campaign, whose re-election chances are significantly reduced without the crucial swing state. Many political commentators are attributing the victory to the unprecedented number of undead turning out to vote this year. Lori Pursel, a voting center coordinator, said, “The voter rolls haven’t been purged in a couple years, so we expect there to be over 200,000 deceased individuals currently registered in Florida. And here they are. Hungry to vote.” “We’ve never seen them in such large numbers before,” says Zadie Jones, a Jacksonville grandmother who spent the day volunteering at the polls. “The stench in the auditorium is almost unbearable. But we have to push through and accommodate everyone. If they’re on the rolls, they get a booth.” However, not all of the undead were allowed to vote. “Some of them…don’t match their ID photos,” said Jones. “The ones with patchy skin, or no eyes, I could see the resemblance, so that was fine. But the ones without any skin – you know, the older ones – I couldn’t confirm their identity. I had to turn them away, and they got visibly upset.” Witnesses report that zombies have attacked officials who tried to turn them away, scratching and biting in an attempt to reach the voting booth. Victims of these attacks have been quarantined, their symptoms including a high fever, lapses of consciousness, and fervent, vocal support for corporate tax cuts. According to exit polls, the undead have voted overwhelmingly Republican. “Voting red could be a result of zombies’ natural desire for blood,” says sociologist Emma Harris. “It could also be a vestige of their past lives. I mean, this is Florida: heaven’s waiting room. Most people who die here are old white folks, who trend Republican.” Earl Gerth, a pastor from Tampa, disagrees. “It’s all these homosexuals and atheists, and…and working mothers,” Gerth claims. “God ain’t happy with America; this is a cleansing. Those socialists are getting zombified so they can pay for their sins by voting for Romney. And the rest of you liberals, just you wait… You’ll die and vote
Republican, too. Just like the rest of them.” “We appreciate the unexpected and persistent support from our undead friends,” the Romney campaign said in a press release shortly after discovering its new supporters. Romney then announced his support for movements around the country to repeal strict voter identification laws, which he said “are a cruel way to disenfranchise Americans, dead and alive.” The Obama campaign has begun questioning the legality of zombie voting rights, on the grounds that they are technically brain-dead and therefore not of complete personhood. “Some of them are missing complete arms, legs, or even their torsos. This makes a mockery of democracy,” said an Obama staffer who preferred to remain anonymous, and who later clarified that they meant no disrespect to the paraplegic community. UPDATE: It has been confirmed from blood samples of victims and undead that the virus causing this phenomenon matches the DNA of Clint Eastwood, known more for his film career and libertarian activism than his side interest in necromancy. “Anything to not have Obama,” Eastwood said, when asked to comment. “Anything.” —A. Calder
FAILED CAMPAIGN SONGS Crappy Days Are Here Again We Are (a Heteronormative Nuclear) Family This Land Is Your Land (until Redistricting) Hail to My Briefs (feat. Anthony Weiner) Some Body That Used to Vote Polling in the Deep (South) We Are Never Ever Voting Black Together (Red State Anthem) It’s My Party (and I’ll Lie if I Want To) Smells Like Teen Voters Born in the USA… No, Really, I Swear I Was! —A. O’Brien
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WAYS TO EXPLAIN YOUR ABSENCE WHEN YOU’RE SUSPECTED OF BEING WITH A MISTRESS Getting a haircut Practicing the saxophone Ate some bad sushi Flogging my barber—that’s not how you give a $400 haircut! Making sweet, sweet love to my lawfully wedded wife Yes, for a whole week Yes, we are still very much in love Cruising restrooms for gay hookups To find and stop them, I mean! Finally broke 19 at that miniature golf course All those taped references to “riding” were about horses, dammit! And “making the beast with two backs” was from a teleconferenced Bible study on the book of Revelation! Killing a lion with my bare hands in a Swahili rite of passage Mistress? That’s my third wife, jackass. She’s new. Swahili isn’t a nationality? I must’ve heard that chieftain wrong. Visiting all my illegitimate children —A. Gertler
DEBATE QUESTIONS THAT WILL NOT BE TELEVISED Who is your favorite Disney princess and why? If Othello really loves Desdemona, why can’t he trust her? Would you support an amendment allowing Texas to secede from the Union? Would you support an amendment allowing the Union to secede from Texas? What was your interpretation of The Dark Knight Rises? Beatles or Stones? Condoleezza Rice, Hillary Clinton, Queen Elizabeth II—Marry, Fuck, Kill? Where are the Snowdens of yesteryear? Mark Sanford, Bill Clinton, Anthony Weiner—no, I mean if “a swift death” isn’t an option? But really, why can’t we just kick out Texas? They weren’t even here when we wrote that whole Constitution thing! Boxers or briefs? Given that we have the world’s largest economy, a massive nuclear arsenal, and no enemies who present an existential threat, why do we spend so much on the military? —M. Taylor
Pinocchio’s Lost Years
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A DAY IN THE LIFE OF REP. BRETT GUTHRIE (R-KY) 6:00am – Wake up to the tune of “Hail to the Chief ” playing on my Hello Kitty alarm clock. 6:05am – Get out of bed, pick out a suit, and spend the next hour whitening my teeth. 7:05am – Practice winking in front of a mirror. 8:20am – Leave for work and crack another Driving Miss Daisy joke to my chauffeur Reggie as I get into the town car. Reggie loves my humor. 8:45am – Arrive at the capitol. Chief of Staff briefs me on the day’s agenda. 10:07am – New intern walks in on me updating my Giuliani scrapbook. I’ll fire him tomorrow. 10:30 to 2:00pm – Day drinking
11:18pm – Charlie Rangel’s got his shirt off again, goddammit. 2:22am – Finally engage in some bipartisan politics with Nancy Pelosi’s Chief of Staff. That’s been in the works for a while. 3:05am – Hold back Barbara Boxer’s hair while she vomits. 4:30am – Somehow, Lindsay got into my office before passing out. I drag him into the hallway, lock the door, and spend the rest of the night drinking alone at my desk, crying softly about how I’ve been an absentee father. 11:57am – Wake up with a terrible hangover. My eyes are bloodshot from crying. Look for the post-it on my desk listing the reasons I have to get up in the morning. I can’t find it.
2:07pm – Senator Graham from across the hall stops by. We laugh about the financial crisis. 2:12pm – Graham makes an inappropriate comment to my secretary Brenda, but she just blushes and gets back to typing. Brenda loves our humor. 3:15pm – The staff and I meet to discuss strategy for the next campaign. I’m told that my opponent’s three-yearold nephew was recently seen riding his tricycle without a helmet. We’re golden. 3:47pm – Ask my Chief of Staff how to spell the word “constituent.” 4:14pm – Dick Lugar calls about a bill. I trade my support for a weekend at his beach house in Oahu. 4:30 to 8:00pm – Scheming. 10:05pm – After dozing off at my desk, wake up to a text from Sen. Graham. The Congressional Black Caucus is throwing a rager down in the rotunda. We head out.
Unfortunately, none of the Monopoly pieces thought to petition for the equal rights of game tokens, and all were sold in a garage sale the next day. −S. Zhang
Secret Service Memories Jason Lotz c ontinues into h our three of a staring con test with a g uard at the Buckingham Palace. Don’t let him see you blink, Jas on!
y en and Geoffre uy g N id v a D ts en Ag e ill Clinton down th B y n pa om cc a ual Wells hite House’s ann W e th t a e lid S Slip ‘N’ lebration. Fourth of July ce
taff Written by S A. Von Illustrated by Plinsky . Shea Designed by S
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Brett Phillip s enjoyed be ing at Sasha and Maliaâ€™s sleep over a lot more th an he thoug ht he would.
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
Forgotten Campaign Posters
Written by M. Nobel Designed by S. Shea and S. Stern
NIXON ‘80 (NAH, JUST KIDDING)
McKinley Have you seen this man?
Y ERR K N JOH
pro b a bly fin e
OFF THE RECORD
TYPO SPARKS ELECTION BROUHAHA By D. Tuttle and E. Sherley Designed by C. Zhang
hat started as a harmless typo has evolved into one of the most exciting developments in this year’s presidential election. Last Wednesday, MSNBC displayed a headline on its website incorrectly identifying Republican presidential nominee Romney as “RMoney.” When asked about the mix-up, which had commentators at Fox News up in arms, a spokesman for MSNBC said, “We’re handling this internally, please be patient. Those at fault will be dealt with appropriately.” As of Friday, the intern responsible for the typo had been promoted to vice president of the company. Despite warnings from members of his campaign staff, Romney decided to embrace the media giant’s mistake. Saturday evening, he introduced the world to his alter ego: rapper R-Money. “My name’s R-Money, got a couple of Caddies / I’ve got a tonna dollars and they ain’t all my daddy’s,” R-Money told the Wall Street Journal. He then explained that “Caddies” was “rap bro slang” for Cadillac automobiles, of which R-Money owns seven. When asked about his plans to fix the economy, R-Money replied, “I ain’t got all the answers yet, but really, I be tryin’ / Just watch me fix the budget with my homie Paul Ryan.” “Initially, we were a bit skeptical,” conceded Eric “E-Dog” Fehrnstrom, one of Romney’s chief advisors. “But now the team’s 100% behind the idea. We’re showing the young people we’re ‘bros not hoes,’ or whatever it is they’re saying these days.” The Obama campaign quickly denounced Romney’s latest campaign tactics as “silly, immature, and insulting to the American
Rogue Aardvark Captured at Last
POSSUM TROT, SC - Disaster struck last Saturday at the Annual Possum Trot County Fair when the Ferris wheel inexplicably broke and rolled through the adjacent arts and crafts tent. It eventually to came to rest in the show animal enclosure where it decimated the cages
people.” News outlets reported today, however, that R-Money has challenged “Baracka Flocka Flame” to a debate next weekend. While the President seems unworried, the Obama campaign manager Jim Messina has expressed concerns over rumors that Romney’s campaign team has bought several thousand dollars’ worth of “bling” and are taking lessons in dancing techniques including “twerking” and “the slow grind.”
Romney campaign artist’s depiction of ‘R-Money’ —A. Beizer
speech on Sunday morning, President Obama tried to assuage the public, stating that the situation had been “blown out of proportion” by the three victims who were accidentally shot by the National Guard in the confusion. Despite the incident, attendees still found the fair enjoyable. “I liked the corn dogs,” said resident Tyra Hanks. When interviewed, the aardvark in question had no comment about the debacle.
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Total amount of money donated to the Obama and Romney campaigns so far:
$1,111,900,027 = x 44,760
x9 2 , 6 5 8
In the barter system, that’s the equivalent of:
158,842,857 bales of hay 13,898,750 bottles of Tennessee’s best illegal moonshine 9,265,833 haircuts from Mitt Romney’s stylist 444,760 donkeys 2,689 trained dancing donkeys 10.1 White Houses 4.448 Hope Diamond equivalents 1 trained dancing donkey which does the Wobble under the influence of moonshine (his name is Fred)
THE YALE RECORD PRESENTS: INFOGRAPHICS YOU WON'T FIND ON CNN —Written and Designed by S. Shea
ON THE ISSUES: IF PAST PRESIDENTS RAN TODAY
The Economy Simple, really. We free the slaves and invest in agricultural technology. Except me. I get to keep my slaves.
Gay Marriage Hamilton and Burr can go fuck each other.
They can subject themselves Four score and seven years ago, to the torture, if they like. everyone traded beaver pelts. We’re all going to die Seems as good a plan as any. anyway. If you sort of take all the money and grind it up, and get a The queers? Will they get Ulysses S. Grant blender, and some ice… What me a cosmopolitan? was I talking about? I’m thirsty. I say we charge in and conquer Everyone’s marriage should Teddy Roosevelt it! Bully! be gay! What? I don’t know It’s not my fault the economy’s anything about that stuff. Richard Nixon screwed up. No one can prove One of my assistants must it’s my fault. have kept that information from me. Abraham Lincoln
Child Labor She said she was eighteen! Ah, I remember childhood. That was back when I could be happy. Give ’em some whiskey an’ they’ll keep working. Set lions on the children! It will make them stronger. Of course I don’t use child laborers. And if I did, I wouldn’t tell you. —I. Strauss
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THE PRESIDENTIAL SUCCESSION LIST Vice President Speaker of the House President Pro Tempore of the Senate Postmaster General Your Mailman The Mayor of Detroit Tim Tebow Local school PTA President Canadian Prime Minister That kid in your section. You know, that one. Well-dressed J.Crew mannequin The Sith Lord Everyone moves to Brazil —A. Stautz OTHER VOTER RESTRICTION LAWS Idaho: Must show proof of sexual identity. Kentucky: Must be born in a state that starts with the same letter as the one you’re in. California: One of these polling volunteers always lies. The other speaks only truth. Voters must determine who is who. They may ask one question. South Dakota: Don’t think of it as a bribe. Think of it as a poll tax without the IRS overhead. Utah: Children are permitted 3/5 of a vote. Registered Republican children, that is. Oregon: Screw you, Utah! From now on, we’re only letting children vote. And there will be Voter Ed. classes, and we will provide condoms whether you right-wingers like it or not. New Mexico: No registration on days ending in the letter “Y.” Texas: No registration on days beginning with the letters “M,” “T,” “W,” “T” again, or “S.” We got ’em all, right? Hawaii: You’ll need this panpipe to lull the ThreeHeaded Pollbeast to sleep before you get into the booth. New York: We had some state layoffs this year, so voters must program their own voting machines. Georgia: Everyone votes! As long as they first attend a public screening of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo: The Complete First Season. —A. Gertler
CHECKLIST FOR A NEW PRESIDENT’S INITIATION Take shots off an intern in the Oval Office Perform a Naked Run through the Senate chambers (a tradition begun by President Taft) Sneak up on and play “guess who” with an on-duty Secret Service staff member Have an affair with a Supreme Court Justice (bonus points if it’s Scalia) Pull the “Nuclear Attack Alarm” Steal the Declaration of Independence Punch Nicolas Cage Break 107 coconuts with your bare hands (Michelle Obama’s idea) Veto a bill without reading it Integrate the sentence, “Snookie is actually quite a passionate lover,” into your first State of the Union address Shotgun a beer every time your approval ratings dip a point — C. Homburger
“...and then the other party staples on a few more add-ons for good measure.”
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CHEVY AVALANCHE’S BRAKES FAIL IN MOUNTAIN PASS, KILLING NINE Dear consulting firms, Maybe I’m not the sharpest crayon in the box, maybe I never took Micro, and maybe my Art-Art History-History triple major doesn’t make for the most fitting resume. But I’m useful! I will train your clients in...the art of love. Sincerely, A short, balding senior who panicked and offered the first service that came to mind P.S. He was subsequently embarrassed and left the room.
FOX FOOTBALL ROBOT OUT FOR SEASON AFTER PARTICULARLY BRUTAL COLLISION WITH THE SCREEN
Dear everybody, Yeah, yeah, so I had a farm once. I had lots of things once. I had a cow, and a chicken, and a pig. I had a wife and kids, too. Did you know about them? How do you think it feels to be reminded of everything I’ve lost, to hear through the cracked windows of passing cars the fleeting echoes of happy families giddily singing out a list of everything that’s vanished from my life? Why, out of all the old, rueful alcoholics in the world, must you jeer at me? Here a regret, there a regret, everywhere a regret-regret. —Old MacDonald
SEX ED. CLASS URGES KIDS TO “DO IT CONDOM STYLE” Dear human, HOLY SHIT IT’S MORNING AGAIN THIS IS SO FUCKING AWESOME TODAY WILL BE THE BEST DAY EVER WOOOOOOO!!! —An alarm clock
TAYLOR SWIFT’S REPUTATION AS AN ARTIST WILL NEVER, EVER, EVER RECOVER Dear American people, Although many of you disagree with our Citizens United ruling, we have determined that unlimited corporate political donations do not in fact undermine the republic. We have also determined that a mouth-watering array of foot-longs are only $5 at Subways all across America. Eat fresh! Yours, The Supreme Court Dear Timmy, Now, son, what did I tell you about mumbling? Do. Not. Mumble. Because when you mumble, you try to say something like, “Dad, can I please have some chocolate milk,” but I hear, “Dad, can I please have some rat poison milk.” And now look where we are. —George
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Dear poetry lady, Roses are red Violets are blue Poems need scansion, Unlike those you create, which reveal a lack of respect for formal considerations. Yours, Elizabeth Rayo, ’14 Dear antiquated gender roles, Seems like everyone’s down on you guys lately. Maybe you should freshen things up. Come up with some new, original stereotypes. Like “Why are men always stapling everything?” or “How come women just can’t eat a carrot without spontaneously combusting?” or “Why are transgender people so innovative in the field of geopositioning technology?” Sincerely, Just a weird guy, a really weird guy
FRESHMAN MAKES SUCCESSFUL MARY MILLER JOKE, HAS NO IDEA WHO MARY MILLER IS Dear Nathan Hale, Why didn’t you just say “YOLO”? —A concise teenage girl
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T he Y ale R ecord Dear Dad, About the lewd text you received from me, I’m sorry about that. But there’s a completely innocuous explanation that I’m sure you’re going to laugh about when you read it. You see, my friends and I were playing a binge drinking game called Text or Shot. On a Tuesday. Long story short, no, I don’t want to have sex with you... I’m just an alcoholic. Hell, I’m probably going to play the game again tonight. So if you receive another crude, socially taboo, or pornographic text from me, please ignore it, and be assured that I’m not a sociopath, I’m probably just blackout, stomach-pump drunk. Your son, Jake
PARAPLEGIC SHEEP RESENTS IDIOM “TWO SHAKES OF A LAMB’S TAIL” Dear Nadia, Hey! It’s not small – it’s “fun size!” —Tim
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Dear Tim, Oh please. I specifically asked for you to buy a king size Snickers bar while you were paying for the gas, and you come back with that skimpy thing? It’s barely bigger than your penis! —Nadia
Dear Britney Spears, We just don’t care anymore. Are you dead yet? Respectfully, Everyone Dear Little, Brown, and Company, I’ve got a great new idea for a book! It’ll be called The Quipping Point and it will be filled with fantastic contradictory aphorisms all supported by recent studies from Harvard! What do you think? Excitedly, Malcolm Gladwell Dear Mr. Gladwell, We regret to inform you that your manuscripts of The Quipping Point, The Zipping Point, The Dripping Point, and Cake: How Your Mother Came to Be So Fat cannot be published with us at this time. Until you are invited to publish with us again, please stop sending us submissions, postcards, flowers, and threatening videos. Also, if you do ever print another book, you should consider changing your hair for your next author photo, because you look like you’ve just gone through electro-shock therapy. Sincerely, Little, Brown, and Company
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