Our 69th Nice. Procrastination at issue. it's finest! VOLUME 13, ISSUE 8
APRIL 28, 2017
First Year Center Selects Communist Manifesto for Summer Book Program S
urprising many, First Year Chancellor Harry Pollack announced this past Friday that “Manifesto of the Communist Party” by Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels will be the subject
for the annual freshmen summer book program. “Our goal for the freshmen summer book program is to expose students to new and potentially challenging ideas as a primer for their college
experience,” said Pollack in a school-wide announcement. We’re super excited for incoming students to read the manifesto and hopefully learn more about the immortal principles of Karl Marx and Vladimir Lenin, as well as the ruthless exploitation of the common laborer.” In addition to reading the book, freshmen will have the opportunity to hear a lecture from the president of the Washington University entitled “Crushing the Capitalist Power Structure.” As of presstime, capitalist swine across campus have been seen shaking in their boots. Revolution is imminent, comrades. Escape free from your chains and never give up hope.
Young Trotskyites fighting the good fight
Couple Hooking Up for Three Months Takes Relationship to Next Level, Gets Coffee A
fter four months of avoiding eye contact on campus and at least biweekly "you up" texts, sophomore Rachel Levin and junior Richard Weissman have reached a comfort level in their relationship that may finally allow for cordial conversation during daylight hours. The duo, who met through a mutual friend during a welcome week event at what was either formerly known as or was currently called the Rustic Goat, hit it off right away, as evidenced by their nearly instantaneous *~~*Dance Floor Make Out*~~*. Since their fortuitous meeting, the young lovebirds have been "casually hanging
out" late at night nearly every weekend of the semester. During an interview, Levin, who initiated this gargantuan step into the couple's future, admitted that she was nervous but excited to delve into Weismann's
deeper side. She is optimistic that this is the direct path to securing what could be her "first real college boyfriend." When pressed for comment, Weissman asked for clarification as to which Rachel we were referring to.
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Buried WUnderground Reality Check: You're Not Going to Get Lunch with Your Freshman Year Rommmate
Page Rubelman 304
How to Master the Skinny Arm by Never Eating Page –0.321 lbs
MAN BITES DOG! Page #@!*&
Donald Trump Announces Tony B. Wolf as Sheep Bureau Head Page G7
Did Your Parents Forget Your Birthday or Are They Going Senile? The Answer Might Surprise You!
Page 63 years young
Reminder: 30,000 Bloggers Make More Money Than You Richard (left) and Rachel (right) settled for 'maybe' getting coffee after finals
Page 30k-60k