People Surprised Carnival Named After Unluckiest Number Goes Wrong
Scientists Fear Authentic Sushi Making Will be Replaced by Sushi AI
University Hands Out Damaged Eclipse Glasses to Increase Representation of Disabled Students on Campus
WashU Opens New Public Health Building to Demonstrate Dedication to Tax Exemption
Business Major Jack Climbs Corporate Beanstalk
Students at Holi Asked to Clean Up Colored Powder, Students in KSig Asked to Clean Up White Powder Tour Guide Celebrates 500th Birthday
Dr. G. Announces it is “School Policy” for WUPD to Be Quartered in Dorms
Always a Bigger Fish: Catholic Church to Buy WashU
Pope Francis announces the Catholic church will purchase WashU after a tumultuous semester for the religious sect. It seemed like things for Catholicism were at a historic low, rivaling that time Jesus died for our sins. But just as he rose from the tomb, Catholicism is so back with a new campus in the greater Clayton area. The Pope explained a cash injection from its subsidiary, Fontbonne University, after the campus sale, gave enough liquidity to buy out the multi-billion dollar hedge fund and tulip garden. The Pope caused some serious hullabaloo with his visit to Missouri. Following mass, he stopped off at iconic local eateries Protzel's Delicatessen, Imo’s Pizza, and John M. Olin Library Corner 17 before climbing into the popemobile and sending it down I-64. When ex-chancellor Andrew Martin discovered it was his own manifest destiny purchase that gave the church the funds to buy his beloved bears, he responded, “Phooey.” While
many students echoed his sentiments, others are excited about new ownership for WashU. Proposed changes outlined in Francis’ Sunday statement are building anticipation for the convert to be confirmed. Freshmen looking to sip sangria no longer have to trek to Ibby’s as the Bear’s Den menu will change the traditional Half and Half™ to the blood and body of christ. Fans of the SPB speaker series “D-list actors, where are they now?” and the Evergreens were ecstatic to hear plans to replace Brookings Hall with a
second Graham Chapel. Local babysitters clubs rejoiced at the prospect of new business, as following the change in ownership Millbrook daycare will cease operations, effective immediately. Whether anxious or enthused about the takeover, students can be rest assured that they will have a place on God's campus as long as they never committed a cardinal sin: stepping on the seal or using Chat-GPT.
Opener for Opener for Opener for Opener for Opener at WILD Announced
Putting its expanded WILD budget to use elsewhere, the Social Programming Board announced this Tuesday that it will host its first ever opener for its student DJ opener for its student opener for its opener for its second opener for its headliner at the annual concert on Mudd Field. The opener^5 will run from 6:10:27 to 6:15, and will be a performance of John Cage’s 4’33", a composition made up of a period of silence extending
for four minutes and thirty-three seconds.
SPB plans to fly out Cage to campus for the event–who has been perpetually performing the piece since his death in 1992–but in the event he is already booked the board has plans to recruit Chancellor Martin as an understudy considering his impressive rendition of the piece when asked whether the university will divest from Boeing.
Concerts Director Emerald Shawl expressed excitement about the lineup addition: “In the spirit of Walk in Lay Down, what could be better than a long REST?”
The move comes after the wild success of the recent Silent Disco in Risa Commons. “We wanted to turn it up a notch and go even silenter,” said Shawl. “Well rather, turn it down.”
This decision is economical as well—“No speakers, no mics, just hype.” Shawl plans to use the money saved to fund t-shirts for the team that say “Social Programming BORED?? More like Social Programming Having Fun!!!”
SPB anticipates higher turnout for the opener than ever, with one student remarking that it “will be better than listening to Joey Bada$$.” They recommend anyone who is not able to make it into the concert head to the overflow venue in Ursa’s Nitelife, where 4’33 is usually playing anyway.
HOLY MOLY!
Thai Country Café Annexes Entire Length of Delmar Loop Following Prolonged Guerrilla
After weeks of aggression, Thai Country Café decisively conquered Which Wich, the last standing opposition on the Loop, and solidified their empire of delicious, authentic Thai cuisine.
The victory came after weeks of brutal guerrilla tactics, which have since been denounced by the United Nations. In one in-
stance, employees posted failing health inspection grades on the window of a restaurant, which, after foreclosure, was swiftly invaded and renamed “Mission Thai Co. Café.”
The conflict heightened when Thai Gai Yang, the smaller and less patronized exclave of the mainland empire, seized Avalon using Trojan Horse tactics.
During store hours, a militia of plainclothes waiters brought in large plastic bins, which the clerks mistook for donated clothing. Security camera footage attests that, when night fell, four clandestine fry cooks emerged from the bins and began planting pictures of the Thai countryside on the walls. The Avalon government was forced into exile in the FroYo shop.
“Mmmmm,” commented Srettha “Nid” Thavisin, prime minister of Thailand, while tasting the restaurant’s famous Tom Yum soup in a press conference. “Goes hard.” Nid refused to comment on whether his cabinet had abetted Thai Country’s brutal military campaign by providing vital spices and flavors.
You can order from any of the sixty-two puppet government locations on Grubhub, DoorDash, or Uber Eats.
OP-ED: Where Are All The Personality Themed Restaurants?
Let me cut to the chase: we need restaurants based on being really nice and not just about who has the best plastic surgeon in town. Hooters? More like who-cares?
Stop me if this sounds familiar– you’re digging into a pile of wings and nursing a nice little cola when you suddenly forget which hand you’ve been using to shovel those barbecue boneless bites into your mouth hole. You go to show your work buddy that your new suit jacket is embroidered, tragically smearing it in saucy stains. Lucky for you, the waitress rushes over with napkins in hand and a swiftness unseen since the last time this happened to you. She appears to ask you something, but you can’t seem to hear her over the shortness of her shorts and her perfectly cut out cleavage. Once
she gets you all clean and ensures you’re fed, she hands you the bill and once again says something you can’t quite hear. You go to sign, but what’s this? She expects a tip?? For what? For all you know, she said nasty things about you. How are you supposed to know a kind caterer from a cruel courtesan these days?
Busty butlers are a thing of the past. Personality is in. Servers should bring you platters with a smile and a tip of the proverbial hat. But they shouldn’t wear hats because hats indoors is rude and not nice. They should ask you about your day, but only if it seems appropriate. They should check in on you, but not so much that it’s annoying. And when they bring the bill, we should tip our proverbial hats right back
by tipping them real cash based on how nice they were. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, isn’t that just how a normal restaurant works? Well… wait, huh I guess you’re right. Whatever, I’m going to Olive Garden cause when I’m there I’m family, and you don’t flirt with family.
REPORT: Greek Life and Eggs
God. Fine. Ugh!!!!!! We hear you guys, ok?! We know you want to know WUnderground’s perspective on Greek Life & Eggs. Since we are the people’s publication, and want to appease your desires, we assigned our Director of Research to conduct a report.
Our preliminary findings are derived from a key interview with Washington University’s own Professor S. Ultforg Reekstuff of the Anthropology Department. In an attempt to ensure journalistic transparency, we have attached our complete correspondence below.
WUNDERGROUND DIRECTOR OF RESEARCH: Professor Reekstuff, thank you very much for speaking to WUnderground.
PROFESSOR S. ULTFORG REEKSTUFF OF THE ANTHROPOLOGY
DEPARTMENT: Please. We’re all close here. Call me Ultforg
WUNDERGROUND DOR: Well, uh, Ultforg, we were wondering if you could offer insight in regards to the recent incident involving Greek Life & Eggs.
"ULTFORG": Recent? Bitch. That was like 1,140,394 days ago.
DOR:Oh, um, Ultforg? Forgive me, but I am not quite sure we are referring to the same “Greek Life & Eggs”.
"ULTFORG": Bitch. Please. Allow me… ‘Twas Athens, Greece. 1100 BCE. Scholars speculate that ‘twas a sunny morning in Ancient Greece when Aberkios Alexopoulos awoke to a cock’s crow. He arose weary and irritable. The wine he consumed the night prior had prompted an unabating inebriation.
Arrest thy squabbling! exclaimed Aberkios to the cock.
Please forgive me, sire! began the cock. I doth possess a morsel I desire to bestow upon thou.
What
Thence ‘twas the foremost moment cock offered man egg.
The fuck is this? questioned Aberkios, closed-mindedly.
‘Tis egg. ‘Tis from this chick I’ve been sleeping with.
A chick?
Wait. Shit. Fuck. Not a chick. Shit. She’s of age. Dude, I swear. Aberkios thus retreated to his
dwelling, a sacred egg warm in his grecian palm. But alas, the cock then crowed henceforth, startling the egg out of his grasp. The cock’s vessel thence splattered on the floor.
Fucker! uttered Aberkios.
But hark! This tale is no Greek tragedy….
In the wake of the shattered shell below is wherest Aberkios discovered egg’s golden-goopy interior.
This bitch lookin’ yummy as fuck!? he muttered, curiously. And thus he ate it. And bitch, ‘twas.
Aberkios thus spread the gospel of egg’s gooey-goodness to the Athenians, and thence to the people of Greece beyond…
Thenforth, the world’s Grecians embarked on a journey to shatter and devour newfound “egg”. The jubilee of splitter-splatter encapsulated and enchanted them. The yellow-ooeyinsides triumphantly graced their bellies and enlived their once-eggless spirits. Cock became their God, and egg his gracious gift.
“Egg” echoed throughout the eggdesiring land… “Egg! Egg! Egg!”
“Egg!” and “Egg!” and “Egg!” forevermore.
And thenceforth, Egg & Greek Life have been irrevocably intertwined.
WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.
The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
OVERLORDS
Margaret Dresselhuys Departing Dictator
Peter Michalski Lame Duck Leader
Celia Rattner Exiting Editor-in-Chief
Harry Campbell Seceding Social Chair
Adam Kirsch Taking-Off Treasurer
Ashna Ramiah
Townsend Baird
DESIGN WIZARDS UNDERLORDS
Alex Wills
Anna Jerdee
Ashna Ramiah
Chirag Choudhary
Conrad Lewis
Diya Shadaksharappa
Eli Litman
Ellie Perlmutter
Ella Majd
Hannah Gallin
Logan Shimberg
London Wharton
Neil Chavan
Nina Giraldo
Riley Card
Ruby Cover
Rusty Dagon
Shira Aronow
Solly Lerman
Townsend Baird
wunderground.wustl.edu
@wunderground.washu
OP-ED: Stop Telling Me to Get Out of This Well
Submitted
Hello, it’s me, your friend who is currently stuck in a well. Yes, I’m in another well-episode. I’ve been stuck in this terrible place. It’s just me and my own voice echoing back and forth, it’s wet and dark. It sucks. I know I reached out last time I had a well-attack, and you were so incredibly supportive and helpful, so I wanted to update you on what’s going on with me. By the way, I’m going to stay in the well.
I’ve decided I really like being in this well. In fact, I think I’m going to make it part of my
personality to be welled. No wait, I’m “someone who exists in a well”, yeah. Person-forward language. For too long, people who exist in wells have been marginalized and ostracized by society; that’s why well transparency is a cause I’m passionate about. We need to de-stigmatize falling into a well.
There are many different reasons why someone would fall into a well, they could be pushed by someone else, have accidentally fallen in alone, or have a chemical imbalance that resulted in some physical imbalance that resulted in them falling in a well. Even if you haven’t fallen into a well yourself (many people have), you’ve at least peered into one. You’ve imagined what it’s like to be down there – maybe you’ve let out a curious “hello” just to hear the version of you that would respond.
Yes, people have researched how to get out of a well, developed scientific, chemical and social ways to prevent people who exist in wells from falling back into a well. But I like the attention I got in the well. Non-Well People get very interested when you say you’ve been stuck in a well, and even more so if you’re currently in a well. They’ll even do you favors, in the name of “well-ness”. I think I might just be a well person,
a person permanently destined to be in the well. Is that such a bad thing? There are many of us, more by the day, equally individually isolated in our own personal wells. It’s comforting.
It’s ableist to keep telling people in wells that they should get out of the wells. I’ve found a very nice community with my own echo and the sound of all those other people in wells nearby, and we’ve been calling to each other, and we all agree that we like being people in wells, the wells have become very familiar to us and we think you’re all a little too high and mighty up there. I could leave this well any time I wanted to, but it’s not who I am. I am someone who exists in a well.
The well has done more good for me than the outside of the well. At the end of the day, you wouldn’t even publish this article about me if I wasn’t in a well. Sure, it’s generally regarded as a bad thing to be stuck in a well – it’s dark and isolating and I think I might have trench foot. But a new era is upon us: we mustn’t shame people in wells for the fact that they're in a well, or their decision to stay in a well. We all have free will, free well, if you will.
Very Scary Two-Sentence Horror Stories
Oh look, a cadbury creme egg. Oh no, eyeball!
I lay down in my bed. But my bed was on the other side of the room (I was lying on the creature).
I had awesome sex with my girlfriend. If by sex, you mean we broke up.
sorry...
"I can't graduate, I'm not a cylinder!"
I tenderly touched my wife on the cheek. “I am actually an evil wife”, she said, killing me.
Something awoke me in the dead of night. Gun.
I heard a noise coming from my basement. Little did I know I’ve been deaf since I was five.
My doctor told me I needed to get blood
His name was Doctor
I watched a beaver build his dam. Only to realize he was using the wood from my house I’m now without house call me with offers of house.
"I'd prefer if you didn't put anything in my mouth without my consent." never waves back to me :(
HARRY
LONDON
RIDA
NOAH "What does Magic Johnson has?" noah? i barely noah!
drawn.
Dracula.
campbell, not feldman
NO More Awkward Missionary: Using Campus Christians as Rejection Practice
There comes a time in everyone’s life when you’ve gotta say no. Whether it’s going to an 8:30 class, staying sober on a Wednesday, or going on a date with that guy from SigEp, sometimes the best answer is a resounding “NOT INTERESTED”. But saying no can be tough! Luckily, our lovely campus has a surplus of folks you can practice delivering a swift rejection to.
That’s right: missionaries. And though I’m not talking about your go-to sex position from freshman year, you’ll find these people can be equally as awkward and uncomfortable. Picture this. You’re walking in a halfsprint from Busch to Seigle, desperately hoping there will be an open seat left next to Hot Lisa in PoliSci class (she’s got some really interesting takes on the state of the DNC), when suddenly you’re stopped in your tracks by a guy who looks like he’s never felt the touch of a woman. Could it be your sexually frustrated math professor? The backpack and general demeanor would suggest so, but no. It’s *gasp* a Mormon missionary! There are a number of ways you could handle this situation, including pretending you don’t see him, vaulting clean over him like an Olympic gymnast, or answering a fake phone call from your long lost gay lover. And while these strategies are effective, I find the most use from a clean, cold rejection. A “no thanks”, a “not today buddy”, or if you’re from New
York (or from Westchester and pretending), perhaps a classic “I’m walkin’ here!” Not only will these responses surely shoo away the unwanted attention of the Lord, but they can also serve as great practice for any other rejections you might need to perform in life.
For example, let’s say you’re out on the town on a Wednesday night, halfway through an El Burro Loco Beast Glass with your suitemates, when suddenly, you run into Ronnie Toothpaste from Physics class. Before you know it, he’s asking you if you wanna go over the homework together at the house tomorrow night. This is where all that training pays off. Simply picture him in an ill fitting button-down instead of that Kanye tshirt, and POOF! He’s a missionary! And it’s easier than ever to deliver that sweet, sweet, “fuck off” you’ve been meaning to say for so long.
Or let’s say you’re on the phone with dear ol’ Mom and Dad. As you talk, they hint, with the subtlety of a walrus in a Walmart, that they’d love for you to come home for the weekend. Little do they know that this weekend you’ve got big plans to take too much edible and ask people if you’re being weird; they can’t get in the way of that! So as they speak to you on the phone, saying things like “we love you”, “we’re so proud of you”, “we miss you so much”, remember your training. Suddenly their phrases turn to “here’s how Jesus can save you”, and “have you met my seventh wife?” Easy to push away! So you hit em with the “nah, I’m good” and hang up the phone. Whew, crisis averted!
So remember kiddos, if you ever have trouble rejecting someone, just find your local campus missionary. Because God is always there if you need someone to say no to.
Questions Asked by the 2024 Improve WashU Survey
Last Sunday, students received the annual Improve WashU survey from Dr. G! In case you didn't have time to fill it out yet, here are some of the questions so you can get to brainstorming.
Should we raise tuition by a million dollars or 3,764 dollars? Is the name Adolphus Busch Hall hype? Yay or nah?
Would it be beneficial for Habif to provide medical services?
I’m gonna run to the bathroom. Do you want anything?
How do the WUPD car assault rifles make you feel? Safe or Extremely safe?
