Issue 20.4

@

W IN THIS ISSUE: CATHOLICISM IS SO BACK 2-SENTENCE HORROR STORIES HOOTERS? I HARDLY EVEN KNOW H U ND

ER

WUnderground APRIL 22, 2024

VOL 20, ISSUE 4

BURIED WUNDERGROUND People Surprised Carnival Named After Unluckiest Number Goes Wrong Page 13

Scientists Fear Authentic Sushi Making Will be Replaced by Sushi AI Paged Salmon

University Hands Out Damaged Eclipse Glasses to Increase Representation of Disabled Students on Campus Page 99% WashU Opens New Public Health Building to Demonstrate Dedication to Tax Exemption

GR

OU

ND .W AS H

PRICE: $7.4 BILLION DOLLARS

Always a Bigger Fish: Catholic Church to Buy WashU HOLY !

MOLY

12:39 p.m.CATHOLIC STUDENT CENTER

Pope Francis announces the Catholic church will purchase WashU after a tumultuous semester for the religious sect.

It seemed like things for Catholicism were at a historic low, rivaling that time Jesus died for our sins. But just as he rose from the tomb, Catholicism is so back with a new campus in the greater Clayton area. The Pope explained a cash injection from its subsidiary, Fontbonne University, after the campus sale, gave enough liquidity to buy out the multi-billion dollar hedge fund and tulip garden.

The Pope caused some serious hullabaloo with his visit to Missouri. Following mass, he stopped off at iconic local eateries Protzel's Delicatessen, Imo’s Pizza, and John M. Olin Library Corner 17 before climbing into the popemobile and sending it down I-64.

When ex-chancellor Andrew Martin discovered it was his own manifest destiny purchase that gave the church the funds to buy his beloved bears, he responded, “Phooey.” While

many students echoed his sentiments, others are excited about new ownership for WashU. Proposed changes outlined in Francis’ Sunday statement are building anticipation for the convert to be confirmed. Freshmen looking to sip sangria no longer have to trek to Ibby’s as the Bear’s Den menu will change the traditional Half and Half™ to the blood and body of christ. Fans of the SPB speaker series “D-list actors, where are they now?” and the Evergreens were ecstatic to hear plans to replace Brookings Hall with a

second Graham Chapel. Local babysitters clubs rejoiced at the prospect of new business, as following the change in ownership Millbrook daycare will cease operations, effective immediately. Whether anxious or enthused about the takeover, students can be rest assured that they will have a place on God's campus as long as they never committed a cardinal sin: stepping on the seal or using Chat-GPT.

Page my Lawyer

Business Major Jack Climbs Corporate Beanstalk Page 12

Opener for Opener for Opener for Opener for Opener at WILD Announced

Students at Holi Asked to Clean Up Colored Powder, Students in KSig Asked to Clean Up White Powder Page 3842

Tour Guide Celebrates 500th Birthday Page 01d

Dr. G. Announces it is “School Policy” for WUPD to Be Quartered in Dorms

Page 1/4

Putting its expanded WILD budget to use elsewhere, the Social Programming Board announced this Tuesday that it will host its first ever opener for its student DJ opener for its student opener for its opener for its second opener for its headliner at the annual concert on Mudd Field. The opener^5 will run from 6:10:27 to 6:15, and will be a performance of John Cage’s 4’33", a composition made up of a period of silence extending

for four minutes and thirty-three seconds.

SPB plans to fly out Cage to campus for the event–who has been perpetually performing the piece since his death in 1992–but in the event he is already booked the board has plans to recruit Chancellor Martin as an understudy considering his impressive rendition of the piece when asked whether the university will divest from Boeing.

Concerts Director Emerald Shawl expressed excitement about the lineup addition: “In the spirit of Walk in Lay Down, what could be better than a long REST?” The move comes after the wild success of the recent Silent Disco in Risa Commons. “We wanted to turn it up a notch and go even silenter,” said Shawl.

“Well rather, turn it down.”

This decision is economical as well—“No speakers, no mics, just hype.” Shawl plans to use the money saved to fund t-shirts for the team that say “Social Programming BORED?? More like Social Programming Having Fun!!!”

SPB anticipates higher turnout for the opener than ever, with one student remarking that it “will be better than listening to Joey Bada$$.” They recommend anyone who is not able to make it into the concert head to the overflow venue in Ursa’s Nitelife, where 4’33 is usually playing anyway.

U

APRIL 2024

VOL 20, ISSUE 4

Thai Country Café Annexes Entire Length of Delmar Loop Following Prolonged Guerrilla

After weeks of aggression, Thai Country Café decisively conquered Which Wich, the last standing opposition on the Loop, and solidified their empire of delicious, authentic Thai cuisine.

The victory came after weeks of brutal guerrilla tactics, which have since been denounced by the United Nations. In one in-

stance, employees posted failing health inspection grades on the window of a restaurant, which, after foreclosure, was swiftly invaded and renamed “Mission Thai Co. Café.”

The conflict heightened when Thai Gai Yang, the smaller and less patronized exclave of the mainland empire, seized Avalon using Trojan Horse tactics.

During store hours, a militia of plainclothes waiters brought in large plastic bins, which the clerks mistook for donated clothing. Security camera footage attests that, when night fell, four clandestine fry cooks emerged from the bins and began planting pictures of the Thai countryside on the walls. The Avalon government was forced into exile in the FroYo shop.

“Mmmmm,” commented Srettha “Nid” Thavisin, prime minister of Thailand, while tasting the restaurant’s famous Tom Yum soup in a press conference. “Goes hard.” Nid refused to comment on whether his cabinet had abetted Thai Country’s brutal military campaign by providing vital spices and flavors.

You can order from any of the sixty-two puppet government locations on Grubhub, DoorDash, or Uber Eats.

OP-ED: Where Are All The Personality Themed Restaurants?

Let me cut to the chase: we need restaurants based on being really nice and not just about who has the best plastic surgeon in town.

Hooters? More like who-cares?

Stop me if this sounds familiar– you’re digging into a pile of wings and nursing a nice little cola when you suddenly forget which hand you’ve been using to shovel those barbecue boneless bites into your mouth hole.

You go to show your work buddy that your new suit jacket is embroidered, tragically smearing it in saucy stains. Lucky for you, the waitress rushes over with napkins in hand and a swiftness unseen since the last time this happened to you. She appears to ask you something, but you can’t seem to hear her over the shortness of her shorts and her perfectly cut out cleavage. Once

she gets you all clean and ensures you’re fed, she hands you the bill and once again says something you can’t quite hear. You go to sign, but what’s this? She expects a tip?? For what? For all you know, she said nasty things about you. How are you supposed to know a kind caterer from a cruel courtesan these days?

Busty butlers are a thing of the past. Personality is in. Servers should bring you platters with a smile and a tip of the proverbial hat. But they shouldn’t wear hats because hats indoors is rude and not nice. They should ask you about your day, but only if it seems appropriate. They should check in on you, but not so much that it’s annoying. And when they bring the bill, we should tip our proverbial hats right back

WUNDERGROUND WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Margaret Dresselhuys Departing Dictator Peter Michalski Lame Duck Leader Celia Rattner Exiting Editor-in-Chief Harry Campbell Seceding Social Chair Adam Kirsch Taking-Off Treasurer

DESIGN WIZARDS Ashna Ramiah Townsend Baird

UNDERLORDS Alex Wills Anna Jerdee Ashna Ramiah by tipping them real cash based on how nice they were. Now, you may be thinking to yourself, isn’t that just how a normal restaurant works? Well… wait, huh I guess you’re right. Whatever, I’m going to Olive Garden cause when I’m there I’m family, and you don’t flirt with family.

REPORT: Greek Life and Eggs God. Fine. Ugh!!!!!! We hear you "ULTFORG": Recent? Bitch. That was guys, ok?! We know you want to like 1,140,394 days ago. know WUnderground’s perspective on Greek Life & Eggs. Since we are DOR:Oh, um, Ultforg? Forgive me, but the people’s publication, and want I am not quite sure we are referring to to appease your desires, we assigned the same “Greek Life & Eggs”. our Director of Research to conduct a report.

"ULTFORG": Bitch. Please. Allow me…

Our preliminary findings are ‘Twas Athens, Greece. 1100 BCE. derived from a key interview with Scholars speculate that ‘twas a Washington University’s own sunny morning in Ancient Greece Professor S. Ultforg Reekstuff of when Aberkios Alexopoulos awoke the Anthropology Department. In to a cock’s crow. He arose weary and an attempt to ensure journalistic irritable. The wine he consumed the transparency, we have attached our night prior had prompted an unabatcomplete correspondence below. ing inebriation.

Arrest thy squabbling! exclaimed WUNDERGROUND DIRECTOR OF Aberkios to the cock.

RESEARCH: Professor Reekstuff, Please forgive me, sire! began the thank you very much for speaking cock. I doth possess a morsel I desire to to WUnderground. bestow upon thou.

What.

PROFESSOR S. ULTFORG REEKThence ‘twas the foremost moment STUFF OF THE ANTHROPOLOGY cock offered man egg.

DEPARTMENT: Please. We’re all The fuck is this? questioned Aberkiclose here. Call me Ultforg os, closed-mindedly.

‘Tis egg. ‘Tis from this chick I’ve been WUNDERGROUND DOR: Well, uh, sleeping with.

Ultforg, we were wondering if you A chick? could offer insight in regards to the Wait. Shit. Fuck. Not a chick. Shit. recent incident involving Greek Life She’s of age. Dude, I swear. & Eggs.

Aberkios thus retreated to his

Chirag Choudhary Conrad Lewis Diya Shadaksharappa Eli Litman Ellie Perlmutter Ella Majd Hannah Gallin Logan Shimberg

dwelling, a sacred egg warm in his grecian palm. But alas, the cock then crowed henceforth, startling the egg out of his grasp. The cock’s vessel thence splattered on the floor.

Fucker! uttered Aberkios.

But hark! This tale is no Greek tragedy….

In the wake of the shattered shell below is wherest Aberkios discovered egg’s golden-goopy interior.

This bitch lookin’ yummy as fuck!? he muttered, curiously. And thus he ate it. And bitch, ‘twas.

Aberkios thus spread the gospel of egg’s gooey-goodness to the Athenians, and thence to the people of Greece beyond…

Thenforth, the world’s Grecians embarked on a journey to shatter and devour newfound “egg”. The jubilee of splitter-splatter encapsulated and enchanted them. The yellow-ooeyinsides triumphantly graced their bellies and enlived their once-eggless spirits. Cock became their God, and egg his gracious gift.

“Egg” echoed throughout the eggdesiring land… “Egg! Egg! Egg!” “Egg!” and “Egg!” and “Egg!” forevermore.

And thenceforth, Egg & Greek Life have been irrevocably intertwined.

London Wharton Neil Chavan Nina Giraldo Riley Card Ruby Cover Rusty Dagon Shira Aronow Solly Lerman Townsend Baird

ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu @wunderground.washu on IG

APRIL 2024

VOL 20, ISSUE 4

OP-ED: Stop Telling Me to Get Out of This Well personality to be welled. No wait, I’m “someone who exists in a well”, yeah. Person-forward language. For too long, people who exist in wells have been marginalized and ostracized by society; that’s why well transparency is a cause I’m passionate about. We need to de-stigmatize falling into a well.

Submitted via rusty metal bucket on a rope.

Original manuscript was significantly moldier.

Hello, it’s me, your friend who is currently stuck in a well.

Yes, I’m in another well-episode.

I’ve been stuck in this terrible place. It’s just me and my own voice echoing back and forth, it’s wet and dark. It sucks. I know I reached out last time I had a well-attack, and you were so incredibly supportive and helpful, so I wanted to update you on what’s going on with me.

By the way, I’m going to stay in the well.

I’ve decided I really like being in this well. In fact, I think I’m going to make it part of my

There are many different reasons why someone would fall into a well, they could be pushed by someone else, have accidentally fallen in alone, or have a chemical imbalance that resulted in some physical imbalance that resulted in them falling in a well. Even if you haven’t fallen into a well yourself (many people have), you’ve at least peered into one. You’ve imagined what it’s like to be down there – maybe you’ve let out a curious “hello” just to hear the version of you that would respond.

Yes, people have researched how to get out of a well, developed scientific, chemical and social ways to prevent people who exist in wells from falling back into a well. But I like the attention I got in the well.

Non-Well People get very interested when you say you’ve been stuck in a well, and even more so if you’re currently in a well. They’ll even do you favors, in the name of “well-ness”. I think I might just be a well person,

TOP 10...

a person permanently destined to be in the well. Is that such a bad thing? There are many of us, more by the day, equally individually isolated in our own personal wells.

It’s comforting.

Animals That Are Also Verbs

It’s ableist to keep telling people in wells that they should get out of the wells. I’ve found a very nice community with my own echo and the sound of all those other people in wells nearby, and we’ve been calling to each other, and we all agree that we like being people in wells, the wells have become very familiar to us and we think you’re all a little too high and mighty up there. I could leave this well any time I wanted to, but it’s not who I am. I am someone who exists in a well.

10. Dog 9. Badger 8. Wolf 7. Blue Bellied Fuck 6. Bug 5. Swallow 4. Bear

The well has done more good for me than the outside of the well.

At the end of the day, you wouldn’t even publish this article about me if I wasn’t in a well. Sure, it’s generally regarded as a bad thing to be stuck in a well – it’s dark and isolating and I think I might have trench foot. But a new era is upon us: we mustn’t shame people in wells for the fact that they're in a well, or their decision to stay in a well. We all have free will, free well, if you will.

3. Lyin 2. Cock 1. Be

Very Scary Two-Sentence Horror Stories

AHHH

!

I tenderly touched my wife on the cheek.

“I am actually an evil wife”, she said, killing me.

Oh look, a cadbury creme egg.

Oh no, eyeball!

I lay down in my bed.

But my bed was on the other side of the room (I was lying on the creature).

I had awesome sex with my girlfriend.

If by sex, you mean we broke up.

My doctor told me I needed to get blood drawn.

His name was Doctor Dracula.

Something awoke me in the dead of night.

Gun.

I watched a beaver build his dam.

I heard a noise coming from my basement.

Little did I know I’ve been deaf since I was five.

Only to realize he was using the wood from my house I’m now without house call me with offers of house.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Seniors, you're graduating! What do you think?

MARGARET

PETER

has a redheaded girlfriend

mommy? sorry...

"I can't graduate, I'm not a cylinder!"

RUSTY

HARRY

ANNA

again?

campbell, not feldman

fresh-faced

"Graduation is a construct."

"At last, I can assume my final form as young Dustin Hoffman."

"They're sacrificing me to the volcano after graduation. "I swear I did this There's gonna be free donuts last year?" if you wanna come by."

LOGAN excited about the new hat

"Oh cool, to what?

Wait, guys... graduating to what??"

LONDON

RIDA

NOAH

never waves back to me :(

MIA since '22

noah? i barely noah!

"I'd prefer if you didn't put anything in my mouth without my consent."

"You know the energy boost option in the Berg Freshens smoothies?

Well, it's actua--"

"What does Magic Johnson has?"

Welcome, Class of 2028. What's next, Class of 2029??

APRIL 2024

VOL 20, ISSUE 4

NO More Awkward Missionary: Using Campus Christians as Rejection Practice

OPINIONS

York (or from Westchester and pretending), perhaps a classic “I’m walkin’ here!” Not only will these responses surely shoo away the unwanted attention of the Lord, but they can also serve as great practice for any other rejections you might need to perform in life.

There comes a time in everyone’s life when you’ve gotta say no. Whether it’s going to an 8:30 class, staying sober on a Wednesday, or going on a date with that guy from SigEp, sometimes the best answer is a resounding “NOT INTERESTED”. But saying no can be tough! Luckily, our lovely campus has a surplus of folks you can practice delivering a swift rejection to.

Point: You can't buy weather this nice!

For example, let’s say you’re out on the town on a Wednesday night, halfway through an El Burro Loco Beast Glass with your suitemates, when suddenly, you run into Ronnie Toothpaste from Physics class.

Before you know it, he’s asking you if you wanna go over the homework together at the house tomorrow night. This is where all that training pays off. Simply picture him in an ill fitting button-down instead of that Kanye tshirt, and POOF! He’s a missionary! And it’s easier than ever to deliver that sweet, sweet, “fuck off” you’ve been meaning to say for so long.

That’s right: missionaries. And though Or let’s say you’re on the phone with dear I’m not talking about your go-to sex position ol’ Mom and Dad. As you talk, they hint, from freshman year, you’ll find these people with the subtlety of a walrus in a Walmart, can be equally as awkward and uncomfortthat they’d love for you to come home for the able. Picture this. You’re walking in a halfweekend.

Little do they know that this weeksprint from Busch to Seigle, desperately end you’ve got big plans to take too much hoping there will be an open seat left next to edible and ask people if you’re being weird; Hot Lisa in PoliSci class (she’s got some really they can’t get in the way of that!

So as they interesting takes on the state of the DNC), speak to you on the phone, saying things like when suddenly you’re stopped in your tracks “we love you”, “we’re so proud of you”, “we by a guy who looks like he’s never felt the miss you so much”, remember your training. touch of a woman. Could it be your sexually frustrated math professor? The backpack and Suddenly their phrases turn to “here’s how Jesus can save you”, and “have you met my general demeanor would suggest so, but no.

It’s *gasp* a Mormon missionary! There are a seventh wife?” Easy to push away! So you hit em with the “nah, I’m good” and hang up the number of ways you could handle this situaphone.

Whew, crisis averted! tion, including pretending you don’t see him, vaulting clean over him like an Olympic gymSo remember kiddos, if you ever have nast, or answering a fake phone call from trouble rejecting someone, just find your your long lost gay lover. And while these local campus missionary. Because God is alstrategies are effective, I find the most use ways there if you need someone to say no to. from a clean, cold rejection. A “no thanks”, a “not today buddy”, or if you’re from New

what a beautiful day to sit in the sunshine and enjoy a ham and cheese empanada :)

Counterpoint: You can't buy weather at all!

the sunshine reflecting off Kemper temporarily blinding me and causing me to drop my ham and cheese empanada is a paid actor >:(

Questions Asked by the 2024 Improve WashU Survey Last Sunday, students received the annual Improve WashU survey from Dr. G! In case you didn't have time to fill it out yet, here are some of the questions so you can get to brainstorming.

Parlez-vous français?

Is the name Adolphus Busch Hall hype?

Yay or nah?

Should we raise tuition by a million dollars or 3,764 dollars?

How do the WUPD car assault rifles make you feel? Safe or Extremely safe?

Why WashU? Why, WashU? Would it be beneficial for Habif to provide medical services?

I’m gonna run to the bathroom.

Do you want anything?

And now say nice things: