Issue 12.8

Our 69thyou issue.

Nice. is chilling at The Bunny and wants to join!

VOLUME 12, ISSUE 8

APRIL 27, 2016

Views from the 314

PRICE: Two 2nd rounders, a 4th, and a 2017 1st round pick

Tour Guide Almost Manages to Assure Prospective Student’s Mother Campus is Perfectly Safe Without Laughing

Buried WUnderground Prince

Page Too soon

We Had an Unpaid Intern Watch Porn for 5 Hours on the Circ. You Won’t Believe What Happened Next!

StudLife Vol 137, No. 55, Page 9

Rad! These 11 Cancer Patients are Totally Sick!

Page Back of the 20

Students often plan to meet by this giant flaming corpse pile

Tuesday morning, while walking backwards past the Women’s Building, volunteer tour guide Samantha Engles was overheard assuring parents of the total safety of the campus while trying to keep a straight face.

“Don’t worry, the areas to the west, south, and east of campus are completely safe,” Engles barely managed to squeak out, choking back a laugh. “Plenty of students live off-campus and none of them have ever felt unsafe in any capacity whatsoever.”

“What about the shooting I read about that happened here last week?” one nervous grandmother asked while clutching her darling grandson’s hand. “Or that shooting by the medical school that happened a few weeks ago? Or what about that shooting by North Campus last month? It seems like this school might be too dangerous to safely study at!”

“Actually, Forsyth is technically a public street, not part of campus, so don’t you

worry about a thing.” Engles uttered through a continuous stream of giggles. “Also, the medical school shooting took place on the Metro tracks, which, despite the fact that our students receive free Metro passes, isn’t part of campus either. And no one goes to North Campus anyways, except to pick up the free Metro passes if you forget to pick them up in the DUC, which is right next to where last week’s shooting happened. The Metro truly is a great, free perk of being a WashU student!”

We reached out to Christina Greenberg, Dean of the Office of Doublethink, to learn more about the tour guide’s blatant lies. “It’s all in the training we give our guides,” Greenberg explained. “We drill them on all the right answers to the common questions. By the time they’re out with a group, they can recite ‘There’s plenty of things to do on the weekends that don’t involve drinking,’ or ‘Wash U

makes sure students have a healthy balance of work and rest,’ without even thinking about it.”

As for the tours themselves, the rehearsed rhetoric seems to be having the intended effect on many prospective students and parents. “I was originally worried about sending my son here,” Laura Hawkings told our interviewer, “but then my tour guide explained how the school has emergency telephones every twenty feet and constant police patrols along high-traffic paths off-campus. That definitely reassures me that this school isn’t in a high-risk area!”

At time of writing, Engles was most recently seen warning people not to step on the seal, since quirky rituals like that have been psychologically demonstrated to make a place seem more inviting.

Students Horrified, Disturbed by Campus Chalk Drawings of Ted Cruz’s Wife Page 3LAU

Only at Wash U: Someone Said “Ostensibly” During Conversation at Kings Page A3

All-American Rejects Selected for WILD After Being Waitlisted for Stanford’s Spring Weekend Page Who’s asking?

Closeted Gay Roommates Secretly Thinking About Each Other During Simultaneous Masturbation Session Page 410,757,864,530

VOLUME 12, ISSUE 8

APRIL 27, 2016

Social Justice Warrior Searching For More Reasons to Boycott Class

WUnderground WUnderground is WashU’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as a WashU Emergency Alert.

However, the news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge.

Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff Sam Blumkin President Andrew Miller Editor in Chief Bergson and his fellow warriors making a difference in their attendance records.

After the April 14th walkout suggestions included protesting in support of adjunct professors Forsyth’s sidewalk’s oppressive was cancelled due to an agree- segregation between pedestrians ment between the adminis- and bikers, replacing the beigetration and employees, social colored bandaids at SHS, and justice warrior Bryan Bergson capping the level of cat piss at 15% is now searching for additional in the school’s coffee. reasons to boycott class.

Bergson’s passion has clearly “What happened on this been felt by those in his proximity. campus on April 14th was an His roommate, Jesse Goldberg, has outrage,” claimed Bergson. “As noticed a marked change in Bergstudent activists, we demand son’s behavior over the past couple the right to parade around weeks.

“Since he found out walkouts campus, get “arrested” by WUPD, or pitch heated tents are a thing, there’s been a light in outside of Brookings so that we his eyes that I’ve never seen there can be featured in a StudLife before. It’s remarkable how a single article. But by fairly agreeing event can completely change one’s to wage increases for adjunct outlook. Bryan is such a devoted professors, Washington Univer- activist now. It’s really inspiring.

Many students are skeptical of sity is denying our right to shirk our academic responsibili- whether Bergson’s calls for action are just a cheap way to play hooky. ties.”

As a response, Bergson has When pressed about this, he said, pooled together a cohort of his “If you know about these issues and fellow warriors to brainstorm do not care to raise your voice, you what social ill they can rid the are a scumbag. Just as Shakespeare university of next. Notable

once said, ‘The hottest places in hell are reserved for those who, in times of great moral crisis, maintain their neutrality’.”

As a result of Bergson’s mobilization, the university has been put in a bind by the demands of the growing number of social justice warriors.

“While we’re visibly an educational institution, we’re a business first and foremost,” said Maryann Blair of the Office of Student Affairs. “The students are our customers and their voices are paramount. If they believe in the value of boycotting class to support causes, we need to support them. That’s why we’re going to wait on correcting other existing inequities like campus racism, sexism, socioeconomic privilege to give students future excuses to miss class.”

As of press time, all ten of Bergson’s absences from Writing I are still unexcused.

Grandparents Already Saving Seats for Graduation

They also plan on napping through graduation

With three weeks still remaining before graduation, reports from Brookings Quad indicate that the first sets of grandparents have already arrived to save front-row seats for the ceremony. Their numbers vary as many come and go from the Quad to make frequent trips to the Holmes Lounge soup bar,

but estimates put the number of elderly folks somewhere around 20 as of this printing.

The university has confirmed that this is a normal occurrence, although the number of grandparents populating the quad in their lawn chairs has increased in recent years.

“Often we start to see them

arrive at the beginning of May,” said Vice Chancellor Lori S. White.

“Although we’ve occasionally had grandparents show up as early as February. They don’t cause too much trouble, and they almost always bring enough kaiser rolls and Werther’s sugar free butterscotch candies to make it until graduation.”

Though some students have expressed concern that the grandparents shouldn’t be out there in the sun and rain for so long, none so far have volunteered to host them in their apartments until the ceremony. But none of the old folks interviewed seemed to mind much.

“Oh, I’m just so proud of my granddaughter Rebecca, and I know she’s busy with her studies,” said Elaine Goldstein, 83. “Or is it my grandson Robert? I can never keep them straight anymore. Say, are you single? Rebecca is a very smart girl, going to Cornell Law next year. She’d like a tall boy like you! Let me give you her number.”

Mac Slone Editor in Chief

Staff Aaron Dozzi Clay Klein Justin Kroll Simon Olson Blake Robertson Jordan Siff Kimball Slade

Foreign Correspondents Callan Coghlan Josh Moskow Patricia Witt

Unpaid Interns Nate Graham Adam Kaufman Jacob Nason Carter Paterson Gabby Perez Garcia Hannah Schanzer Ted Sorota Henry Waill If you would like to write, edit, doodle, spellczech, or dedicate a brick in our name, email us at: wunderground@su.wustl.edu

ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu

VOLUME 12, ISSUE 8

APRIL 27, 2016

RA Agrees to Let Resident Keep Prefrosh as Pet After hours of begging, freshman Alan Block finally got permission from his RA to keep his prefrosh as a pet, so long as he promises to feed him and walk him and love him forever and ever.

“The little guy just showed up outside my door last week, and we just had to take him in,” said Block, scratching the prefrosh behind his ear. “He was so scrawny and lost, he would never have made it in the world by himself! Thankfully my RA said that if I promise to take good care of him, he can stay with me.”

Block and his roommates nursed the prefrosh back to health on a steady diet of beer and tater tots, then took him to SHS to get him a rabies shot. After being given a clean bill of health, the prefrosh was given permission to move into his forever home.

“He had a nametag on his lanyard that said his name was Johnny,” said Mike Wade, one of Block’s roommates, “but we wanted him to rename him, make him a real part of the family, you know? Alan really pushed for Fluffball, but we eventually settled on Snuggles.

We’re just so lucky to have him in our lives. Isn’t that right, little guy?”

Snuggles already knows how to sit, roll over, and make coffee, but Block and his roommates are working to fully train the prefrosh. Their first goal is to get him housetrained, and then they’ll move on to teaching him how to shotgun and do laundry.

As part of the agreement made with his RA, Block has to take Snuggles for two walks around campus every day, and give him a bath when his cargo shorts get dirty.

“It’s a lot of work,” said Block. “But when we split it up between all of us it’s okay. [Roommate] Dan Chang lives in Chicago, so he’s going to take Snuggles for the summer. That way he won’t have to put him in a crate for the flight, and there will be plenty more prefrosh for him to play with at Northwestern.”

At press time, Snuggles was on his way to SHS to get neutered. WUnderground reminds you to always spay or neuter your prefrosh.

He looks so cute in his new Wash U apparel!

Cum Trees Preventing Campus from Being Safe Space The cum trees — or “jizz trees” as they are colloquially known — of Washington University have recently come under fire for infringing on the campus’s status as a safe space. Students have argued that the trees are olfactorily offensive and help promote white masculine ideals.

“I don’t like being the person to complain,” began senior Constance Smith, the organizer of the infamous social justice group, Feminists Against the Students Against Peabody, “but the trees are white and smell like semen.

They are clearly a trigger to many students; their smell and color reminds much of the student body of the presence of men on campus, a presence that most students would prefer to deny completely.”

“The trees are an obvious commentary on the dangers of female sexuality, and must be burned to the ground immediately,” claimed sophomore Gina Hong. “Every time I walk past the trees on the way to campus, I feel several penises firmly pressing against my face from all directions. Although I may want

to feel that on a casual Wednesday night, I don’t want that when I’m on my way to AIDS class Thursday morning.”

But the reaction to the cum trees is not universally negative. SHS director Dr. Alan Glass, best known for spearheading a movement to have a baby bear euthanized, called the trees “great for business” because they bring in a lot of students who think the trees can give them STIs. Glass claims, “these students don’t understand that STIs are seldom transmitted orally. That’s perfect for our business model because a single misplaced concern about a disease is a great reason for us draw a student’s blood. Every pint we collect can be sold for up to a $200 profit.”

At press time, the Diversity Affairs Council is still debating on how to proceed with bias reports filed against mother nature herself, and Smith has begun protesting Glass for refusing to sell HIV-infected blood, an act that Smith’s supporters claim marginalizes those with the disease.

Point

You can practically smell the partiarchy from here.

Counter-Point

I think the Wash U Underground has been pretty good this year

Is that the hipster newspaper?

By: Mack Sloane Friend of the program

By: Drewie Millz Long time listener, first time caller

Those guys at WU-Underground did it again. They’ve gotta be the best fake newspaper on campus aside from The Odyssey. Oh, and the Tab. And the Stud Life April Fools issue. Anyway, I think this might have been their best volume yet! I especially liked that time they tacitly supported Greek organi-

zations’ silencing of sexual assault victims, as well as that one horribly anti-semitic joke about Passover.

But I think my favorite joke was the one where they made fun of Stud Life’s graphics, even though they were really just denigrating somebody’s hard work. Now that’s what I call satire!

Wait, which one is WOOnderground again? Were those the guys who tried to steal money from S.A.R.A.H. so that they could buy a house to do drugs in? Was that their thing? Oh wait, and they were the ones who hazed that poor freshman by duct taping him to the underpass for like two days, right? That was pretty

messed up. Man, those guys have absolutely no shame. I bet they did those Trump 2016 chalkings too! [Ed.’s note: No, and please stop asking us] Although you know what I did like? That picture of the chancellor holding hands with the provost. Now that’s what I call satire!

VOLUME 12, ISSUE 8

APRIL 27, 2016

Fraternity Accused of Sexism, Racism, and Homophobia; Vehemently Denies the Homophobia

Top 10...

Ways to ruin your WILD: no one respond to your down to lunch invitation to walk 10. Have over the rhyme: was it liquor 9. Forget before shrooms or shrooms before liquor? beer isn’t kosher for Passover 8. Realize all over the substance-free 7. Puke girl from your floor Get puked on by the substancegirl from your floor, who 6. free says she has the stomach flu but you kind of don’t believe that

“You hate homophobia right bro? Yeah same! Chill dude!”

After recent accusations of various forms of exclusion, including misogyny, racism, and homophobia, one of the social fraternities had to clarify that it was not indeed homophobic. IFC has not released the name of the offending fraternity yet, but yes it’s the one you’re thinking of.

“This isn’t just one or two brothers either,” the anonymous insider revealed, “this is a systemic problem in the organization that needs to be addressed.”

Members of the fraternity had other opinions about the allegations, however. “This is complete bullshit,” a member was overheard complaining to a friend in BD, “they said we’re insulting to women, insensi-

tive about race, and exclusionary towards gay people?

I have tons of gay friends! We even have some gay brothers!

How is that exclusionary?”

The PanHellenic Council recently encouraged its sororities not to have relations with the chapter. In a statement, the body that represents other exclusionary practices and has condoned this chapter’s exclusionary practices in the past reiterated that homophobia “does not align with our community values”.

Shortly after rumors of the probation first leaked, the fraternity posted a statement on Facebook. “I know many have said our most recent party theme, “Grass

Huts and Fat Sluts,” appropriative and sexist, or that our famous pointy-ghostcostume barbeque was tasteless, or that our Tijuana themed party was inappropriate. However, we draw the line at the accusations of homophobia. We love gays.”

The writer then commented on the post “I’ll even make out with a dude right now to prove it.”

At press time, IFC is still investigating the long list of allegations and filed bias-reports while the fraternity has hung several rainbow flags in their house’s windows.

5.

Ask a girl if she wants to know dirty little secret, only 4. your to find out your ex-girlfriend Remember all your clothes were made by low-wage sweat-shop

already told everyone that you have a micropenis

up with a prefrosh and get 3. Hook tangled in his lanyard Have your hips grabbed by a frustrated Chancellor 2. sexually Wrighton with a half-chub hired to perform your ten1. Get year-old hits for a bunch of

drunk entitled assholes at some dumbass school in fucking Missouri or something

What Do You Think?

Presidential candidates Ted Cruz and John Kasich have agreed to team up in an attempt to stop Donald Trump from winning the Republican nomination. WDYT?

Trump

Marco Rubio

Andrew Jackson

Sam Blumkin

George Washington

Furby factory escapee

Kanye/Rubio 2020

No longer relevant

Was left out of the P/CP

Reads the New York Times for the articles

Have you seen the way Cruz eats his boogers? Just shoves it in there. Disgusting. I always tell my kids to take small bites.

Dude, my name is Jeff. Please stop asking me about what Marco Rubio thinks. I’m not even Cuban, I’m Puerto Rican. Fuck.

Really, you’re asking me about this now? Why don’t you go ask a more important president? Like Alexander Hamilton or Harriet Tubman?

Yeah, I guess I just wanted to take this time to say, I’ll miss all of the good times I’ve had on WUnderground over the years. I feel confident that WashU is a better place when people are smiling and laughing. Penis. Poop. Vagina.

Fuck StudLife.

Cruz and Kasich doubleteaming Trump? I can’t wait till this hits PornHub!