Our 69th issue. Nice.
VOLUME 12, ISSUE 5
JANUARY 28, 2016
Markets Tumble as Gak Prices Plummet to 13-Year Low
Consumers in Orlando, FL are seen celebrating record-low slime prices
Gak prices fell below $2.00 per gallon across most of the country last weekend, sending consumers rushing to load up on the oozy, green substance. The price drop comes as slime futures trade below $30 a barrel for the first time in more than a decade, driven down by an oversupply of the substance that is commonly refined into gak and other products. Speculators blame the crash on increased exports from the Middle Eastern country of Nick-
elodestan, which has flooded the market with slime in ways not seen since the leadup to the Double Dare Wars of 1992. Republican Party leaders warn that further destabilization in the region could lead to a “super sloppy” scenario for the world economy. Analysts are also pointing fingers at China, saying that an economic slowdown there is responsible for the decrease in gak speculation worldwide. “Businesses and consumers tend to be more bearish on slime
when there’s instability in the market,” said Dr. Daniel Tamberelli, an economics professor at Columbia University. “Will I still be able to pour slime on a celebrity’s head when they say a predetermined secret word? Will there still be giant noses full of slime for me to pull an orange flag out of? What will BMX star Mat Hoffman land in the next time he jumps his bike out of a plane during an awards show? These are the things people worry about.” Tamberelli also warned that there could be negative environmental effects of the slime slowdown. Low gak prices tend to stunt investment in more sustainable technologies like Silly Putty and Flubber. Also, said Tamberelli, slime is really difficult to get out of your hair. At press time, slime prices had fallen 23 percent since the start of trading. However, Floam futures were up 18 percent.
All Sorority Girl Jury “Not Judging” Arsonist, Just Think He’s a Good Fit for Prison
Emily Giveth and Emily Taketh Away
Mendez was hoping for either exoneration or Chi Omega
The month-long trial of suspected arsonist Gregory Mendez reached its conclusion when a jury of 12 sorority girls found him “not necessarily guilty, but definitely someone [they] couldn’t see doing well in the outside world.” Mendez was convicted of burning down his wife’s house after a messy divorce, a motivation which troubled many in the jury.
“He kept going on about ‘seeing that bitch pay for what she did,’” said Juror 7, a junior in Kappa Delta. “We love to see people who feel strongly about certain issues, but in KD our philanthropic efforts are really focused on other things.” Juror 4, a sophomore in Alpha Phi, stressed that the group’s decision did not necessarily mean that Mendez was a bad person. “The system can really suck
sometimes,” she said. “I’m sure [Mendez] has many great qualities that aren’t arson-related, but when that’s all we get to hear about it’s how we have to make our decision.” All jurors were adamant that even though it wasn’t his first choice, Mendez would likely come to appreciate and enjoy his new community in prison. “One of the girls on my freshman floor, [convicted drug runner] Abigail White, got a bid to prison a couple of years ago,” said Juror 11, a senior in Delta Gamma. “She was pretty bummed at first, but now she’s got a ton of new friends now and has really come into her own!” Mendez couldn’t be reached for comment, but reports say he was last seen carving “GDI” into his forehead with a shiv, and is suspected of posting multiple angry rants to his cellblock’s Yik Yak feed.
PRICE: 69 cents. Nice.
Buried WUnderground Ham or Bologna? The Answer May Surprise You Page 69
Guy Who Went to Three Continents over Break Says It Was “Alright”
Page 69
Former NFL Player Can’t Remember a Better Movie than Concussion Page 69
Professor Bürmorthamøørthibergstein Not Going to Go by “Professor B” This Semester Page 69
Racist Woman Doesn’t Like the Blacks
Page 69
SAE Brother Dies Tragically of Natural Causes at age 83 Page 69