Volume 19.1

IN THIS ISSUE: THINGS ARE BEING LAUNCHED • THE RUSSIANS ARE COMING • I JUST FOUNDP OUT ABOUT ANAL LE AS E BU Y M E :')

WUnderground OCTOBER 27TH, 2022

BURIED WUNDERGROUND

VOL 19, ISSUE 1

PRICE: 1 MARQUEE TICKET

Illiterate Student Society Launches New “guiawerhfewiuhfakjhf” Campaign points to the crowd of students.

Sandra Zimmermann, who was conducting a demonstration for the Peace and Meditation club at the next table, reports that, “The Illiterate club just kept screaming about how you could still enjoy Quentin Tarantino movies without being able to read. They seemed to really like that guy.”

Hip professor wows students with Zendaya reference Page 5

Local man unsure if grandfather is insane or just Italian Page 8008135

All greek life shut down by west nile virus Page 8675309

WashU introduces the twin extra wide for well endowed students

WashU’s little-known illiteracy club launches into the public eye as they begin a new campuswide media campaign. Students report sightings of flyers across campus, on bulletin boards, in bathroom stalls, and wedged between chicken and fries in a dining hall dish which wishes to remain anonymous.

But what is perhaps more interesting is the saturation of such flyers among Greek life residences. Preliminary statistics report nearly five times as many flyers on frat row as opposed to anywhere

else on campus. Analysts believe this to be an instance of targeted outreach. When presented with the flyer which read, “guiawerhfewiuhfakjhf!

Hhhhhhrngh efhgurbnst?

Hbref!” SigEp brother Eddie Hamble commented, “Sorry, I don’t speak Italian.”

In an effort to understand more deeply what the Illiterate Student Society plans to achieve with this new campaign, I sent a few questions to the email listed on their WUGO Presence page: ymmmfhgrn@wustl.edu. I didn’t fully expect a response, so I was pleasantly surprised to hear back from them promptly. However, I was soon disappointed to realize that their reply consisted of only the following image:

News of such a widespread media campaign makes sense for the Illiterate Student Society, seeing as many considered their presence at the Activities Fair a failure.

In lieu of a sign, the group opted to shout their talking

Skandalaris Center Launches New “Sue the Poors” Service Page "my mom told me 3 inches is big"

Holmes Lounge has been liberated from the invading Russian department Page 12

Rent in Roku city at all time high Page page

Breaking: Your Zipper is Ajar, My Friend Page 69

Following the successes of programs like WashU Wash and WaterDrop’d, the Skandalaris Center has elected to open yet another business directed towards its prime clientele, the children of the one percent. This new small business, known as “Sue the Poors”, will provide an indispensable service to WashU students, by opening defamation suits against those who unfairly and unjustly criticize such important and essential services as WashU Wash and WaterDrop’d.

“When I came to WashU, I couldn’t drink from the water fountains. That’s where the poor people get their water! Blech! And now I’m being called classist for using WaterDrop’d!” says first year econ student Brayden Carnegie, “But thanks to Sue the Poors, I don’t need Papa’s legal team to get rid of the haters. I can do it myself!”

“I don’t do laundry,” says sophomore dance major Kayla Walton. “I don’t have time for stuff like that. Laundry was the au pair’s job. Or was it the butler? Or the maid? Maybe the groundskeeper?”

Kayla then went on to list people in her parents’ employment for about thirty minutes.

“But I shouldn’t be discriminated against for using WashU Wash! It’s basically a disability service!

That’s why I need Sue the Poors!”

Sue the Poors has already caused seven student defendants to drop out of the university for defaulting on their tuition payments. The Skandalaris center considers this a rousing success in the name of small business.

“The success of Sue the Poors is unprecedented,” says Skandalaris faculty member Jeff Portillo.

“Not only have we made a buttload of money, but we’ve also repossessed a three bedroom house, a 2004 Honda Oddysey, and someone’s dog! And the fact that this is a small business means that we’re definitely doing the right thing here. We’ve always been on the side of the little guy. That’s why programs like Sue the Poors are so important to us.”

LY!

L A N FI

OCTOBER 2022

VOL 19, ISSUE 1

WUNDERGROUND WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Rusty Dagon Anna Sheriff Abbey Rose Ben Orlinick

#1: Don’t Mention Increasing SnapChat Scores While it may be tempting to point to your increase in Snap score as a demonstration of social media marketing talent, everyone knows that you’re just a little hoe and spent a week in a beach villa collecting SnapChats. You were not doing market analysis from 9-5; you were snapping hot Wharton boys underneath your desk with a push-up bra under your blazer. In Olin professors’ experiences, SnapChatting does NOT count researching the 18–25-year-old demographic, especially when dick pics are involved. Excuse me, the 18-35-year-old demographic.

#2: Scrolling on Instagram IS Market Research In contrast, you should mention all that time you spent surfing posts from Birthright trips on Instagram. Every mud-covered Jew does count as market research because old people value Instagram higher than SnapChat. In fact, mentioning Instagram research makes an intern seem “hip” and “valuable” to a mid-forties, post-boomer, pre-millennial boss looking to hire free labor so that he can get back to beating 2048 and avoid coming home to his children’s endless loop of TikTok sounds.

#3: Pretend You Read the Dissection Manual This tip goes out to all my Pre-Med students. Of course, no one actually knows how to dissect mice. We just go ham on those dead rats, having played one too many video games in high school while not attending grad parties. Just as you lied about having partied in high school when you arrived at WashU, it’s now time to lie about knowing what you are doing in the lab. When asked about dissection, of course you read the manual! Of course, you know the anatomy of Rattus norvegicus domestica! You’d never close your eyes, stick the scalpel in, and fantasize you’re Khal from Game of Thrones ripping a servant’s throat out.

#4: Throw in an Extra Language or Two No matter the internship or summer experience, there is always a way to get credit for learning another language, whether it’s spoken, coded, or fictional. You tracked the extinction of snakes in South America by placing a dot on a spike in a graph once every five minutes for 440 hours? You learned Python. You listened to the audiobook of Lord of the Rings from one AirPod while guarding the kiddy pool? Elvish. You re-organized excel documents for a failing legal firm defending the sexist 2019 Peloton commercial? French (Tell employers that in French, “peloton” literally means “ball”, but it is most often used with the meaning “group”).

#5: Mention the Company Budget; NOT How It Was Spent If you are lucky, your summer experience will allow you to spend money that is not your own. It’s fine to flex that bill and mention the opportunities you were provided, like the occasion to attend the Women in Tech Leadership Summit. That said, it is not appropriate to explain that you took your boss’ Porsche out for a joyride during the conference because she gave you the keys so that she could get hammered on expensive cocktails while her pretentious frenemy Elana gave the keynote presentation. It’s impressive to mention organizing catering; don’t tell them that you got expresso and Chia seed smoothies for management so that they’d spend the day shitting their brains out, and you’d have more time for SnapChatting the beach boys.

UNDERLORDS Shira Aronow Sam Auditore Sammie Axelbaum Abby Baird Harry Campbell Riley Card Neil Chavan Chirag Choudhary Ruby Cover Margaret Dresselhuys Noah Gluck Josh Keller Adam Kirsch Solly Lerman Ella Majd Peter Michalski Will Palmer Rida Qureshi Ashna Ramiah Celia Rattner Sydney Rothschild London Wharton Zach Wurtenberger

LAYOUT TROLLS Sara Frankenthaler Eylül Horozoğlu Will LeVan

Closing Remarks Self-promotion can be tricky. WUnderground is here to make this daunting task obvious and completely streamlined in the great tradition of globalization and big data. Think of our career advice like the words of a priest nurturing the moral compass of a young altar boy. The difference between intellectual fraud and steps towards a fulfilling career is slim when it comes down to details. We don’t believe you, but we do believe in you, WashU interns.

If you would like to write, edit, fund our money-laundering scheme, etc. email us at wunderground@wustl.edu

ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu

OCTOBER 2022

VOL 19, ISSUE 1

People Watching “Eccentric” fails to capture the men of Tinder. They like dogs. They can quote The Office. They eat food. They are not like the rest of us, and therefore require a girl of a certain quality. A girl able to rise above the curse of her basic, homogeneous gender.

Someone, dare I say, Not Like Most Girls. Only a woman of this caliber could satisfy the conditions of Tyler, 18, aspiring pro skateboarder. Swipe left if you hate dogs, can’t chill, and have any desire to ever orgasm. Intimidated by the massive fish Lathan caught last summer, you question your worthiness. He’s familiar not only with the sacred words of Michael Scott, but Ron Swanson as well.

His highschool girlfriend looks stunning in their prom photos from three years ago: “3rd pic could be u ;)” he promises, but hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like you to have.

Jarrett shows off his elite sense of humor with an uncropped meme screenshotted from Instagram screenshotted from Twitter.

“Yeah, I’m a gamer.... if you don’t like it, frig off…”

You frig off. Not because gaming bothers you (you’re chill, unlike most girls), but because Trent is 5’11,” and you have standards.

“I am a very relaxed person.” You suspect Alan, a security officer, may not be a very relaxed person.

Another serial killer Superlikes you. Though 90% of the men on this app blow your simple, desperate mind, you can spot the occasional killer because they always Superlike you. Why does anyone use this feature, you ask yourself, swiping through the profile of live-action Sid from Toy Story out of morbid curiosity. An Office reference piques your attention (you are a woman of culture), but oh god, he refers to himself in the third person and OH GOD, his anthem is “Smells Like Teen Spirit”

by Nirvana. He wants to hunt you like the ducks hanging from his camo belt in his second picture.

Swipe left.

Logyn includes his mugshot because he’s cool, but you still left swipe. You’re too intimidated by his sick music taste: Brockhampton, Tame Impala, Tyler, The Creator, Post Malone, and Khalid? You can’t name five songs off any of their albums, and you know he’ll ask.

How will I ever find something real, you wonder,

right as the algorithm known as Fate plucks Chunt from the queue and his pasty face illuminates your cracked iPhone X. Chunt goes to WashU and looks like he could be one of Mitt Romney’s kids (not to be redundant). He’s “6’1 “since that apparently matters,” includes pics of his dog, and has your favorite Dwight quote in his bio. He likes pasta, wants to lie about how you met, and his bio says your mom specifically will love him! This is the corn-fed, too-good-for-Tinder boy you’ve been swiping for. It’s a match.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? A chess grandmaster claimed his opponent cheated by using vibrating anal beads. WDYT?

TAYLOR JENKINS

GEORGE WASHINGTON

JEFF GOLDBLUM:

sophomore

Invented the earliest anal beads

Average white guy

“The only King who can make my rectum vibrate is [insert unlikely male celebrity here]”

“And here I thought the only thing you could win using anal beads was my heart <3”

hmm yes, hmmm, *adjusts clear ass glasses* apartments.com

HAM N’ CHEESE EMPANADA FROM COFFEESTAMP

HAM N’ CHEESE EMPANADA FROM COFFEESTAMP

HAM N’ CHEESE EMPANADA

Cold

Old

Forgotten

I may not be filled, but this guy sure is

No more questions

The ham is the body, the cheese is the blood

THE ANAL BEADS: Cheating in morse code

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It’s a very mean and nasty place and I don’t care how tough you are, it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard ya hit. It’s about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done! Now if you know what you’re worth then go out and get what you’re worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain’t where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain’t you!

You’re better than that! I’m always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You’re my son and you’re my blood. You’re the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain’t gonna have a life.”

OCTOBER 2022

VOL 19, ISSUE 1

Now That’s What I Call the Absence of Music Who knew a boy named Travis finding inspiration at an amusement park called Six Flags Astroworld in the late 90s would result in a WashU sophomore looking down at her phone and being overwhelmed with a sense of mild disappointment in 2022. A Butterfly Effect indeed.

out steam; to feel like their blue life matters.

Without it? And I promise this isn’t a threat but, without it? I guess we will see.

Fall Wild has been cancelled, and thusly campus has been saved. Did you know, on average, 4 students are hospitalized each Wild?

If you are unconvinced just because I made that up, I have a question. Where were you on January 6th?

When asked for comment on the cancelation, a WUPD representative sort of started slouching and said, “it’s fine,” but like, in a pouty way that lets you know that if you don’t push harder you will hear about it later. Like, it’s the night you’re supposed to have sex and they’ll be all, “oh now you’re interested in my feelings when your fucking dick is involved!” And you’ll be like, “ok. I want to be here for you because you seem very upset. I just want to communicate on my end that it feels like I am being blamed for being uncaring which is frustrating because I did ask and you were unresponsive” and then they will be like, “’ok’??? Do you know how fucking minimizing it is when I voice my frustration with you, and you say ‘ok’??” And you’re like, “Is that seriously all you got out of what I just said?” And then they will pop off with some bullshit about how condescending you are and how dishonest versions of y’alls arguments that make them look insane always find a way into your writing.

“I feel bad for WUPD,” began Chancellor Martin: This is their Super Bowl. They get jazzed.

You know how they say when you have kids, Christmas really becomes more about them?

It’s like that. Nobody “wants” to get up at ass o’clock to wrap presents. Nobody “wants” to pay salary and benefits so army rejects can harass the homeless and stand in the corner of a mid concert, hand on their little radio, begging for an excuse to dial in and say, “WE GOT A BOGEY!” But honestly? The look on their faces makes it all worth it.

Look. WUPD needs this power trip. Think about it. Imagine being deranged enough to want to be a police officer and then winding up in a jurisdiction where brutality is actually frowned upon. It’d suck butt, right? This was their consolation prize; their chance to let

TOP 10...

Top 10 Reasons We’re Enemies

Professor who WashU refuses to fire, Jonathan Katz shared his thoughts as well, “I still hate gay people.”

When pushed for further comment, the representative stated, with an incalculable amount of attitude, “i dont wanna talk about it.” The mood at the station can be described as morose.

10.

you laughed too hard at my selfdeprecating joke

9.

You asked me where Bolivia was in front of people

8.

When i asked you if this dress made my ass look fat you said no

7.

When i asked you if this dress made my ass look fat in 2011 you said yes

6.

You are poor and I’m the admissions committee

5.

I’m not in a good place rn. I promise it’s not your fault

4.

You hyped up your friend like he was real. I was so excited to meet Boffa

3.

You had a parasocial emotional affair with Robert Pattinson, objectively the gayest Batman

2.

You commented, “I know it smells crazy in there” on a pic of my nephew’s bris

1.

You know what you did

OPINIONS Point: Adam Levine is a bad person for DMing random women while married

Counter Point: He should’ve used a payphone