W OPPORTUNITIES IN THIS ISSUE: BRING BACK CORRUPT PRESIDENTS • SWIPE RIGHT FOR COVID • POLYSCI INTERNSHIP HA T 'S W UN DE RG RO UN D?
WUnderground MARCH 22TH, 2022
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Just the Right Amount of Feminism: Women Still Excluded from the Draft Page III (coming soon)
How to Keep It Together When You See Your Picture on the Front Page of the 'Abnormal Psych' Syllabus
VOL 18, ISSUE 3
PRICE: YOUR VOTE
Op-Ed: We Should Let Biden Take Bribes? Joseph R. Biden is the most bribeable man alive, and the fact that we don’t let him fulfill that destiny is a travesty. Think about it: the man has the light senility and good heart (figuratively) of a horse out to pasture, and the fact that we don’t allow him to be gifted acres of ranch land to turn into oil fields is heartbreaking. Possibly literally. We should take these measures in order to preserve his health, if for no other reason. True, it is a fundamental principle of American democracy that we not let our politicians use their positions
to line their own pockets. It is here that the opposition’s argument descends into absurdity. As we all know, Biden’s pockets are already fully lined with notes reminding him of the names of his grandchildren, subordinates, and himself. Consider, for a moment, the Makea-Wish kid. Out of pure human charity, we give people who are physically children and dying whatever they want, and I fail to see any reason why the same shouldn’t apply to Biden. No Make-a-Wish kids go mad with power after getting
a helicopter ride or two. I would argue that Biden would experience the very same innocent joy if put in the same situation. Some would argue that Make-a-Wish children only don’t become corrupt because they don’t live long enough to. To that I would reply that, well, that principle is pretty broadly applicable. So, dear reader, if you agree with me and you’re also Bribin’ with Biden ®, write to your local representatives this week and tell them to vote YES on H.R. 7298, the Fuck it, Might as Well at This Point Act.
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Chris Cuomo still Italian
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Frat Brother Disappointed that "Lit" Class Not What He Signed Up For Page 3 (removed)
Win! Government Supplies Free COVID Tests in Year 3 of Pandemic No more than 4
My friend told me they have an article idea. This is a placeholder. Maybe next time, Hank
Op-Ed: Wikipedia, Stop Nagging Me! Look. I’m not trying to make a big deal out of this. All I’m saying is, I get home from a hard day at work, and all I want to do is sit down, have a beer, and relax with some internet encyclopedia pages about battleships. But here she comes—“she,” in this case, not to be sexist, but in the great tradition of ship-naming that I would be learning about right now if not for this unholy intrusion—asking for money. Not just money. A donation. A handout. Government cheese. And what work, you ask, for this payment? Nada. Well, actually, there was some work that went into it. But I don’t have to pay to enjoy the fruits of that labor, so why would I? It would be like tipping at Hooters if you had any other way to see tits: absurd. And, you know what, it’s insulting. I sit down to read about Prussian
generals, after busting my ass all day, and all of a sudden I can’t even have that without being reminded of money. When I click through from one page to another and it jumps from telling me that it’s the 15th time I haven’t donated to the 16th, I’ll admit it, I see red. I mean, what kind of website looks at a solid, hardworking American and says, “Gimme.” Do they know
what that does to a man? Sharon’s voice asking me to “go back to school so you can be a manager like my sister’s husband” ringing in my ears every time I want to learn about different types of whiskey barrels? Have some compassion, people. And they wonder why this world has gone to shit.