Volume 18.2

IN THIS ISSUE: CHANCELLOR MARTIN'S BLIND

THE REPUBLICANS ARE SENDING THE TROOPS M (UNCIRCUMCISED ER RY NE W YE AR

WUnderground JANUARY 4, 2022

VOL 18, ISSUE 2

BURIED WUNDERGROUND

PRICE: BOTH KIDNEYS

BREAKING: Pyramid Promotions Exposed as a Front for the Illuminati An inside scoop as to why you're paying $20 to stand in a crowded line for three hours

SPB Presents: Artist You’ve Never Heard Of Page A$AP FERG

Uncle Joe’s Drops New Phone-Sex Hotline: Daddy Joe’s

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Call that a VEast infection: WashU flu traced to rager in Village East Page ...

Make-A-Wish Kid Wishes For More Cancer Page

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Local Catboy Neutered Page Meoooow

Heartwarming: BSchooler breaks 10 upvotes on YikYak stolen from Twitter Page 10

Aw, Shit: Study Finds 72% of Happiness is Predicted by Having Owned Mighty Beanz in Between 2005 and 2007 Page Y2K

Before this information gets redacted by the higher authorities, WUnderground must report on a breaking discovery: Pyramid Promotions is scheming with the illuminati. Yes, this vague company that students blindly throw cash at is tied with the biggest WashU conspiracy to date. No one actually knows where the money that Pyramid collects each week goes. It has been suggested that Pyramid Promotions is just Chancellor Andrew Martin’s side hustle, but the up-charge conversion on meal points is his game. No, Pyramid Promotions is tied to a group of people even more ancient than the chancellor.

meetings take place in the last stall of the women’s bathroom, which actually opens up into a much larger boys’ club. The line to the bathroom is so goddamn long so that no students ever have a chance of getting through the door and finding the Illuminati gathered.

You may be asking, what are the Illuminati using all this money for? Well, the Illuminati was a liberal anti-religious religious group in mid-1780s Bavaria that claimed to control life and death. In early America, threats about the Illuminati were tossed around to stir up controversy around election time. Naturally,

we can assume the Illuminati has partnered with the Democrats to tear down all that is holy once more. Specifically, they used this money to doctor Obama’s birth certificate and to help Hillary Clinton conspire with China.

The investigation into the Illuminati-Pyramid Promotions partnership is ongoing.

Nevertheless, their scheme is undeniable. Even the company’s abbreviation–PP–connects to the Illuminati. PP is another word for peepee, which is yellow and luminous: just like the Illuminati’s fixation on light.

The ties between Pyramid Promotions and the Illuminati become increasingly evident with closer examination. The triangular logo was the first giveaway– maybe they should try to be a bit more secretive. The second was Pyramid’s emails sent to underage freshman boys that look like they are 11 years old. The support for underage drinking reflects the actual illuminati’s ancient ties to Medieval Europe, where even infants drank beer.

And these were actual infants, not just children stroking their first wisps of facial hair.

We sent our best journalists into some Pyramid events for further investigation. It turns out that the venues themselves are fronts for Illuminati meetings. The

WashU College Republicans Invade Afghanistan This morning, the WashU College Republicans announced that they are commencing a full-out invasion of the State of Afghanistan. This news comes after the US recently pulled all troops out of Kabul in August, and after failing to due so in July, and after failing to due so in June, and after failing to due so in May. The College Republicans are asking SU for $715 billion in funding for the upcoming academic year.

"We were honestly surprised the university approved this so quickly," one member told WUnderground. "We told them we would be working to provide new study abroad programs to the school, as well as

some promising internships at Boeing to McKelvey students.”

“At first the administration seemed apprehensive,” they continued, “but once we reminded them that they could give us money from the Mental Health Fund, they were all ears.”

President Joe Biden released this statement following the news of the College Republicans' shocking declaration of war: "Look, nobody at intelligence really expected twelve angry Mormons and the guy we all know orders rare La Croix flavors on Amazon to invade a country, but the free exchange of ideas is central to a vibrant

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university. It is a hallmark of an academic community, and it is imperative that everyone here is able to express their views in a respectful environment."

According to an anonymous source close to him, Chancellor Martin has no plan to release a statement. They also plead that if he does, not to bother reading it anyway.

The College Republicans are also reportedly exploring an initiative that would privatize the campus shuttle system.

VOL 18, ISSUE 2

JANUARY 4, 2022

WashU’s Depression Olympics As the weather begins to dip into a chilly Midwestern 45, seasonal depression is starting to consume WashU’s exhausted student body.

In the long lines of Cherry Tree, students can be seen sipping watered down coffee murk in between “eye rests.” One student can be seen on the brink of starvation after spending all their meal points. Insults are thrown and conflict arises, the winter hunger and BD scraps start to run thin.

Students can be heard debating who is the most depressed. Many would argue that the pre-med kids are the most tired due to their crippling anxiety of getting into medical school. Students have reported the MCAT haunting them as well as their GPA. Further, the pre-med bears have been reporting nightmares of dying alone after dedicating their entire life to studying and school. One student was quoted saying that he is every Jewish mother’s dream but can’t seem to make the time to take a date to Salt and Smoke. While the pre-meds have it bad, there is banter from Sam Fox as well. Students in between their “color by number” and “stick figure 101” classes claim that they are the most deprived. Architecture students were forced to stay up past their 9:30 bedtime to finish in the woodshop.

While students may be suffering from depression, crippling student debt, and starvation, many students have decided to combat their struggles with napping. It’s important to explore all of the phenomenal WashU nap spots. A personal favorite is right in the middle of Bandy’s Intro to Micro but, for a less taboo snooze, consider sleeping on one of the $2500 Brookings lawn chairs. A personal favorite nap spot is in one of the BD retro booths. It is normally quiet unless

WUNDERGROUND one of the business frat pledges is forced to make a scene during their hazing ritual.

Here at WashU, the depression olympics are in full swing. While we may be D3, nobody beats us in these games! Taking the gold medal will be the frat members who sleep peacefully each night after their sports business midterm. While they may have been weird in high school, they have nothing but a subpar social life and a booming sleep schedule here in St. Louis.

It was great and I learned a lot about myself and living in the world...actually, it was super depressing. I took pictures on the Brooklyn Bridge once but actually hated the whole experience. I’m not a big fan of walking, or bridges.

Or Brooklyn.

While living in my 12 square foot studio, I interned at a crypto startup--you wouldn’t know it--where I perfected the art of filing. One week in June, I watched all the iCarly reruns I could pirate and made Gigi Hadid’s spicy vodka pasta--it was exhilarating.

I did a bit of sight-seeing during my time to really immerse myself in the local culture. My friend from summer camp took me to this hidden gem in Midtown with big billboards and flashing lights. The name escapes me.

Afterward, I got ice cream at Momofuku for my Insta-

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Hannah Anderson Over-lord Nicholas LaMorte Sub-lord Anna Sheriff Sub-lord

UNDERLORDS

OP-ED: “I Interned in NYC This Summer.

Let Me Tell You About It” Sorry, not to interrupt whatever you were saying. I’m sure it was really interesting. But I interned in New York this summer. Let me tell you about it.

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

gram story, but I’m lactose intolerant so I threw it in the trash. One evening, I went to a dog park for the vibes--the Uber to East Village was too expensive and I never figured out the subway.

Before my filing job got too crazy, I went downtown a bit, and was disappointed by the lack of guinea pigs in the Meatpacking District. How hard is it to get premium gerbil on the East Coast? In my lack-of-gerbil fury, I was crossing the street and yelled at a taxi, because it could definitely hear me. Sidenote: “I’m walking here” doesn’t have the same ring to it when you have a Midwestern accent.

As for my love life...it was dismal. I had a few disappointing Hinge dates. One guy didn’t pick up the tab and another guy, upon receiving the bill, balled it up, ate it, and spit it back on his plate as a dessert offer. It was cute.

Abbey Rose Jonah Brody Josh Keller Julia Birnbach Sophi Seley Benjamin Orlinick Rusty Dagon Kevin Wang Noah Gluck Rida Qureshi Sam Auditore Margaret Dresselhuys Ansley Avis Babajide Hickson Celia Rattner Peter Michalski London Wharton Meheer Commuri Russell Dagon I, II, and III Riley Card Sydney Rothschild Will Palmer Harry Campbell

LAYOUT TROLLS Eylul Horozoglu Sara Frankenthaler Will LeVan

After July, though, things got weird.

I was feeling spontaneous one night and did meth in Washington Square Park with my plug, Derrick. He’s a junior at NYU and pretends to know how to skateboard. When I was walking back to my apartment, I got spat on by a furry and kinda liked it. There was one day I fell through a manhole cover and ended up in Jersey. That was bizarre.

If you would like to write, edit, fund our money-laundering scheme, etc. email us at wunderground@wustl.edu

Once, I saw a homeless man outside a subway entrance wiping his ass, so I helped because it’s good to give back. Speaking of giving back, I let somebody massage me once in front of an Italian restaurant. It was the best massage of my life, but I got home that night and didn’t have my wallet. That was the end of my charitability.

In New York City, there’s a million things to do, but only like five if you’re a semi-broke college student working at a startup with a degree in gender studies.

Once you’ve spent enough time in THE city, you get a feel for the place, truly. But the one thing I never really got used to was the garbage on the street. Seriously, what’s up with that?

ISSN # 1938-0089

wunderground.wustl.edu

JANUARY 4, 2022

VOL 18, ISSUE 2

OPINIONS Counter Point: Off-campus

Point: The university needs to do a better job protecting off-campus students from burglaries

students need to do a better job locking their apartments

University community reacts with mixed feelings to need-blind admissions policy On Oct. 4, Washington University announced that it is adopting a need-blind admissions policy starting this application cycle. Many thought that the University’s unprecedented $5.7 billion endowment pool gains are what triggered the policy adoption. However, Chancellor Andrew Martin, in an interview, explained that this was not the case.

Martin said that the policy adoption was bittersweet. “Yes, we did get some good press out of it. But I’m sure going to miss those dumberthan-a-rock Westchester students who would have never had anything close to a chance at getting accepted here, if not for their family’s money, that is. I hope Middlebury takes good care of them.

“We have always had the money. That was never an issue. It’s just that a few of us in the administration and on the Board of Trustees had children who were applying to college last year,” Martin said. “Now that our children have finished the college applications process, we have come to the consensus that it is time for the University’s admissions to become more equitable.”

Martin explained that the faculty benefited greatly from the presence of these students in their classrooms.

“Don’t get me wrong, I’d never in a million years send my kids here as a first choice though,” continued Martin.

Students also shared mixed feelings about going need-blind, with many outright criticizing the policy.

When asked why the administration chose now to go need-blind, Martin replied, “we wanted to save such an important announcement for when, inevitably, bad press came our way and we needed to save face. As soon as the flag thing happened, we decided, yeah, now’s a great time to become more socioeconomically diverse.”

The Danforth Dispatch, the University’s conservative publication that was recently in hot water for publishing an editorial saying that islamophobia during the flag scandal made campus culture more vibrant, published another editorial, calling need-blind admissions “just another example of liberal hypocrisy.”

Martin added, “next on our list is divestment.

But we are saving that for when we do something really, really idiotic, like big time. You gotta milk these things, you know?”

“So many professors have been able to finish home renovations and take their families out for amazing vacations, all because of the bribery money from the Westchester students,” he said. “I know our faculty will miss them too.”

“Are you serious?” the editorial wrote. “These liberals are getting so hypocritical it’s not even funny anymore. They keep talking about how we need more safe spaces for different groups of people and then support stuff like this. What

about safe spaces for rich people?”

“So, minorities are allowed to be protected from racism, but we can’t be protected from poor people? Talk about cognitive dissonance,” the editorial continued.

The Office of Westchester Student Services (OWSS) says that they are dealing with an influx of student complaints about need-blind admissions.

“We hear you,” wrote Mark Horowitz, Director of OWSS, in an internal email. “We are working closely with the administration in order to come up with a compromise to ease some of your concerns.” Horowitz said in an interview that one idea that OWSS is tossing around is to have certain dorms where the floors will be separated by family federal income tax brackets.

Martin, acknowledging the growing student opposition to going need-blind, says that he has been meeting with Horowitz and wants to find a resolution as soon as possible.

“The dorm idea could work, if there is enough support for it,” Martin said.

When pushed on whether such an action would inadvertently lead to racial segregation as well, Martin simply replied, “it probably will. But that’s good news for everyone else because it means WashU will not only divest from fossil fuels but also commit to going carbon neutral.”

On the Ability to Use Many Words While, in Effect, Saying Nothing at all

JANUARY 4, 2022

VOL 18, ISSUE 2

In Defense of Wingdings Consider the noble hieroglyph. The mighty ancient Egyptians invented and mastered use of the beautiful art form for the sake of communication, and it is considered to be one of their greatest inventions, along with the pyramids and mummies and stuff. Alas, in this modern industrial wasteland we call home, the reverence for such a majestic art form has all but fallen from the zeitgeist. But many hold out hope, for one last bastion of the hieroglyphic arts remains: Wingdings.

Wingdings was invented in a better time, when people still cared for the classic arts and Crystal Pepsi flowed like wine: the early 1990s.

The birth of this typeface has been seen by scholars as a sort of second Renaissance, and its Shakespeare was one Wingbert Dingbat, inventor and namesake of Wingdings. Although he has since tragically passed, assassinated by political enemies, Wingbert Dingbat dropped

TOP 10...

many a pearl while he graced this earth with his presence. One being “You wing 100% of the dings you don’t take.” I think about that at least once a day.

And although such

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praise for the typeface is deserved, I’d be remiss not to ad- dress the purpose of this article. I summon the loyal readers of WUnderground to rally in defense of Wingdings.

The reign of the Latin alphabet must come to an end. It lacks creativity, meaning and artistry. Meanwhile, Wingdings is just gushing with the passion that Wingbert consistently exhibited. In memory of Wingbert, to return artistry to this jaded world, and to end the tyranny of other fonts, I call upon all fellow Wingdings supporters to petition to make Wingdings the new default font for all academic and professional writing. Do what’s right, people.

Don’t let the dream die.

You wing 100% of the dings you don’t take.

Top 10 Artists for WILD

10.

Samuel L. Jackson reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar

9.

Whoever the fuck “Surfaces” is

8.

All 3 Spider-Men

7.

Live feeding of SU funds to an alligator

6.

Only the dead Beatles

5.

Ken Bone

4.

The Aristocats

3.

WUPD Mental Health Attack Squad

2.

Chancellor Martin’s Spotify Wrapped

1.

The Omicron Variant

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Spotify Wrapped a couple weeks ago. WDYT?

SPOTIFY Omnipresent Force

Go off, queen! Your listening habits this year were a total mood.

KID WHOSE TOP ARTIST WAS DEFINITELY LINMANUEL MIRANDA

GUY YOU WORKED WITH IN HIGH SCHOOL

THE MOST INSUFFERABLE PERSON YOU’VE EVER MET

Self Proclaimed Sad Boi

Insufferable

Threw Away His Shot

It is imperative that I let all of my followers know that I have impeccable taste in Post Malone songs. Perhaps I shall add a caption referring to myself as a “sad boi.”

Mine hasn’t dropped yet. I don’t know what you’re talking about.

I listened to The Joe Rogan Experience for 33,000+ minutes this year!

GEORGE WASHINGTON Alive and Well

I won’t release my top songs, but if I did, I’d at least have my interns make it believable.

There’s no way Obama listens to Mitski.