IN THIS ISSUE: YOUR WEEKLY HOROSCOPE
FUNYUNS FAKE OUT
BR I'M GRADUATING AND I DON'T EA KNOW WHAT T KI NG :M OR E NE W S
WUnderground MAY 25TH, 2021
PRICE:
VOL 17, ISSUE 6
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BURIED WUNDERGROUND
Make-Out Line Reviews May 2021
Danforth Dispatch proud to say that all DUC cop rubber ducks matter
7.5/10 - Is this a compliment? An insult? Just
Another school year has come and gone. For some of us, Graduation is imminent. The passing of time really makes you reflect, and I personally have decided to reflect on the lovely people I’ve met during my journey here at WashU. Without further ado, here are my definitive ratings of things people have said to me while making out. “You’re full of surprises- in a neutral way.”
an observation? This unironically catalysed a major personality change for me, and I think I needed it. “I’m still in love with my ex.”
0/10 - They got back together three days later.
Page quack
Free & For Sale: Anal beads, lightly used
“Do you care if you live or die?” 4.27/10 - Ominous, made me question my mortality. I feel like they were only asking me because they already knew exactly how I was going to leave this world. “I could push you down the stairs right now.”
Page $69
Eight Times The Cast of Animal House Visited me in My Dreams ScroogeStyle to Teach Me the Power of Kama Sutra Page 8
Op-Ed: I also fought King Kong but I didn’t make a whole big thing about it Page *rolls eyes*
Op-Ed: General Grievous Could Jack Off Six People at Once, But He Doesn’t Because His Heart is Full of Hate
Page 6
Under new Arkansas abortion ban, local Little Rock Baby gets life without parole after absorbing twin in the womb Page fetus deletus
Op-Ed: I’m not joining ROTC because I approve of American imperialism; I just want to kill people Page 10
2.5/10 - Was not a fan of this one, but it did get my heartrate up. So if it works, it works.
“You look like a startled animal.”
5/10 - Accurate statement, but I don’t think I needed to hear it.
"I think I might be a sociopath."
1/10 - Boring. Entirely unoriginal. You and everyone else, bucko.
“You’re a bad omen.”
9/10 - Startling (and a little insulting) but true! This person ended up a fifth year senior.
“I’m thinking about how Chuck-E-Cheese is going bankrupt.” 11/10 - Compelling. Honest. I want to climb inside their head and take a look around. “You remind me of my sister.”
-100/10 - What the fuck.
Coffee Mugs are Oppressed PSA: This article is not meant to take away from the ever-present issue of male circumsision, it serves only to bring light to the similar issue of coffee mug slogans excluding men.
Feminism has gone too far, and nowhere is this trend more obvious than in the hallowed American institution of coffee mug slogans. Think of all the women you see drinking from mugs bearing strong, individualistic, wholly gender-neutral statements as, “Actually, I can.” It is the height of ego to address unnamed detractors and boast of one’s abilities on one's personal belongings, but
this ego displays strength of character in its own way. Why am I, as a man, not permitted to show such complexity? Why was I met with raised eyebrows and a caustic “can you?” when trying to engage in the innocent pastime of sipping out of this same mug, acquired from the very same Hobby Lobby clearance section? The answer, dear reader, is that we allow women to adopt narcissistic
LE T AN M DIS INISM FEM
personae in the name of empowerment, while castigating men for doing the same. Every morning, my female coworker drinks tea from a mug that says “Never underestimate a well-read woman.” Is it too much to ask that I be allowed to enjoy the same simple pleasure with a “well-read man” mug without being branded “Bill O’Chailly” or “Earlnest Heminggrey”? Every evening, my female wife drinks from a mug that says “lean in.” I enjoyed Sheryl Sandberg’s take on work-life balance as much as anyone else, and my god-given freedoms and unusually flexible hips mean that I can lean in any direction I so choose. And yet my wife denies me this mug, like so much else, for the sake of “decency” and “not setting women back 50 years.” I’ve lost so much because of my cup crusade. I’ve stopped talking to friends who insinuate that I somehow lose dignity from drinking from a “Nevertheless, she persisted” mug with the “s” in “she” scratched off. Tensions have flared in my own family after the same teenage daughter who uses an RBG mug called my lovingly hand-rendered Clarence Thomas on my own drinking receptacle “in poor taste in every conceivable sense.” However, I am willing to bear these costs. After all, women should not be the only ones who feel empowered when they swallow.