Issue 18.1

W HA IN THIS ISSUE: BOSS BABY ON THE LOOSE • IS 20 TOO OLD TO GET CIRCUMSIZED?? • LARP DEBATES GET HEATED T 'S W UN DE RG RO UN D?

WUnderground OCTOBER 5TH, 2021

PRICE: YOUR SELF WORTH

VOL 18, ISSUE 1

BURIED WUNDERGROUND Niche internet microcelebrity actually really boring in person Page Bong Hits 4 Jesus

WashU wi-fi unstable, seeks counseling Bong Hits 5 Jesus: The Return

Big Daddy's on the Landing Shiva for Mourning, Unity Page 314-621-6700

Pyramid Presents: An Illuminati Scheme

We Sent the Boss Baby to the Maternity Ward to Train the Newbies boss baby revolutionized the future of newborns

According to the CDC, nearly 4 million babies are born every year in the U.S. That’s nearly three times the size of the U.S. military. However, this high birth rate means little to nothing considering how weak, dumb, and wrinkly the vast majority of babies are. But what if we had a way to get in on this vault of untapped potential - some kind of training that could make newborns a bit more, well, useful? American babies could be unstoppable; the kind of unstoppable that threatens the immovable. To test our theory, we hijacked the Barnes Jewish Maternity Ward and brought in an expert - the Boss Baby himself - to whip the newbies into shape.

New mothers, new fathers, and medical professionals alike were terrified as we locked them out of the nursery housing their children/patients. We thought telling them “it’s for the greater good” would help, but if anything that made the situation worse. After some struggling, we were finally able to barricade them in a nearby birthing room, and it was time to bring in the man himself.

The Boss Baby strutted into the nursery at sunrise with the confidence of the American military invading a small

a Page

New COVID variant Chi Omega now on campus Page AGL

We Smoked with 7 ArtSci Professors. Here’s Who Coughed Like a Bitch Page Bong Hits 666 Jesus

Doxxed on YikYak? Here’s why we don’t care Page 75-72

U S @ L I A B E S A E L P UT O US

subaltern nation. He was ready for business; tiny hairs slicked back, suit perfectly pressed, and black coffee in hand. With a snap of his fingers, a sea of other suited-up infants waddled into the room with racks of Brooks Brothers’ finest. In minutes, the entire nursery of newborns was in perfectly-tailored suits.

to the extensive Baby Corp network.

At the end of the bootcamp, we reunited the newborns with their families. Once the shock of the transformation wore off, many were pleased with the results.

“Honestly, this is a huge relief By noon, the newborns had to my wife and I. We’re so shifted from lounging lazily in deep in debt from our student their cribs to sashaying up and loans, we didn’t know how down the halls of the maternity we’d be able to afford proward in full business attire. They viding for Alex,” said David spoke in full sentences with Higgins, father of newborn perfect grammar, some even in #8. “Thanks to the Boss Baby multiple languages, telling each and WUnderground, he’s other that they would “circle actually helping to provide back” or “touch base” soon. for us. CitiBank hired him in an entry-level position a few “They grow up so fast,” the Boss minutes ago. Crazy right? I Baby sighed from the corner of just wish he’d stop calling me the room during lunch, a single Dave.” tear rolling down his soft chubby cheek.

The St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department arrested us The afternoon was dedicated to shortly after we unlocked the professional development. Each maternity ward, but in the car newborn was gifted “Baby’s ride to the station we used our First Macbook” due to the Boss final moments to ask the Boss Baby’s partnership with Apple, Baby how he felt about his and they were proficient in Exsuccess. cel within an hour. Then, each baby started piecing together “It’s what I do,” he chuckled. their resume and LinkedIn pro- “I’m the boss, baby.” file. As we walked around the room, we were amazed to see The Boss Baby is out on bail, that many of the infants had albut we are not. Please donate ready hit 500+ connections due to our GoFundMe.

VOL 18, ISSUE 1

OCTOBER 5TH, 2021

My Interview With the Anti-LARPing Movement This past weekend, a group of concerned citizens gathered around the Koenig lawn to obstruct the training session of the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society, or what the protestors refer to as ‘LARPers”. I asked around to get a better understanding of their diverse grievances.

“Every Saturday I look out from my Koenig window and see what I could be if I were either braver or had less to lose,” said one sophomore. Others also seemed to express their own personal grievances with seeing the activities. “It perpetuates this unspoken notion that you’re not a real man until you’ve pounded someone to their knees with a phallic weapon,” said a first-year, “which, of course, is completely absurd. Right?”

WUNDERGROUND

wall, going at him with the lances.

They pulled out that thing with the chain and the ball at the end of it.

I’m telling you, the one and only time I’ve felt the fear of God.”

match and then pensively said, ‘the invention of firearms made it possible for the anatomically weak to defeat the anatomically strong.’

This has to stop.”

Others voiced concern about the political implications of the activity. “I saw a LARPer girl wearing a ‘Pommel the Patriarchy’ shirt in my chem lecture. Isn’t that a threat of violence? That’s a threat of violence,” said one sophomore.

Another commented, “Today my LARPer boyfriend lost a Warzone

I asked one of the protestors, a junior, why she insisted on referring to the Belegarth Medieval Combat Society as LARPers, or live action role-players, a term the group rejects. She responded, “Bella fucking what? Aw, shit. I thought this was against StudLife.”

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Hannah Anderson Over-lord Nicholas LaMorte Sub-lord Anna Sheriff Sub-lord

One senior told me: “I watched my little brother go to the tryouts his freshman year. Sweet kid. He read books about it and stuff. These nerds went full Connor McGregor on his ass. Like, I shit you not, they smote this motherfucker. They had him cornered with, like, a shield

UNDERLORDS

OPINIONS Point:

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

Counter Point:

Abbey Rose Jonah Brody Josh Keller Julia Birnbach Sophi Seley Will LeVan Benjamin Orlinick Rusty Dagon Kevin Wang Noah Gluck Rida Qureshi Sam Auditore Margaret Dresselhuys

LAYOUT TROLLS Eylul Horozoglu Sara Frankenthaler

Student Hits Devious Lick on COVID-Testing Tent Freshman Jared Small was seen fleeing campus late Thursday evening with the Mudd Field COVID-testing tent tucked under his arm. A video of the contraband appeared on Small’s TikTok video app account later the same day with the caption “just hit the most diabolical lick .” All 14 of Small’s followers “liked” the video, providing the alleged perpetrator the approval he wanted for this selfadmittedly diabolical act.

👅🤩😈🎪

A current rumor holds that Small was heard saying “boonk gang, whole lotta gang shit” as he left the scene of the crime.

However, our editorial staff has been able to disprove this rumor.

Sources confirm that, at the

time of the “boonk gang” trend, Small’s mother had made him delete iFunny in order to concentrate on Algebra 1.

School administration vowed to punish the thief of one of WashU’s most beloved landmarks, provoking widespread backlash. Small’s defenders have pointed out that, like most freshmen, the student is simply unaware that he is no longer in high school and so could not know that he isn’t in an environment where his behavior would find general acceptance.

To the right you can observe proof of the most devious lick committed on WashU's campus.

WE TH HAVE EN EW S

If you would like to write, edit, fund our money-laundering scheme, etc. email us at wunderground@wustl.edu

ISSN # 1938-0089

wunderground.wustl.edu

OCTOBER 5TH, 2021

VOL 18, ISSUE 1

Freshmen Reportedly Confused About WashU's Obsession with Circumcision The First Year Center has just released its yearly report on the first years’ transition into the WashU community and has found that the class of 2025 is deeply confused by how often circumcision is discussed on campus. Unable to tour before applying last year, the new cohort of bears claim that they were not made aware of the sheer amount of space circumcision takes up in the collective consciousness of the student body during their virtual info sessions. After the Danforth Dispatch, a highly reputable student newspaper, released its explosive exposé on the untold oppression of men, WashU’s student body has committed itself to getting educated and becoming allies to its un-hooded male peers.

Students are reporting that whether or not one has a trimmed member has played a role in the

developing social hierarchy of their grade. Others are still adjusting to describing their Richards along with their names and pronouns at the start of class and club meetings. “When I introduced myself during icebreakers on the first day of Bear Beginnings I had to say my name, pronouns, and whether I’m circumcised, and I just wasn’t anticipating that to play such an integral role in my college experience,” said Jacob Meyers, a first-year originally from a suburb 15 minutes from Chicago.

Other students say that missing some key hints early on during registration may have contributed to the shocking surprise. “WashU could have been a bit more descriptive about campus life than ‘R1 research university’ and ’10:1 classroom ratio’ in their promotional flyers, but I guess I

should’ve figured it out when I had to upload my mohel’s information to my StarRez Housing portal during dorm applications,” said Justin Becker, a first-year from Washington D.C. WUnderground spoke with current upperclassmen Dick von Head about the campus climate.

“I was supposed to live with this guy… I don’t want to say his name out of privacy concerns now that he writes for the Danforth Dispatch…. but he was forcibly placed in traditional housing,” Dick explained. “It ended up being really good for him since he said he needed ‘healthy coping strategies like going for a walk when it becomes too much.’”

On the Ability to Use Many Words While, in Effect, Saying Nothing at all A starting realization, as it has come to me through neither divine inspiration nor careful research, is the cyclical nature of many contemporary conversations, various articles, and even debates. These resources, while well intentioned and well-written, add little substance to the discourse at play. Favoring a winding, complex sentence structure and superfluous verbiage, these self-fulfilling works render themselves useless via their own arcane language.

In a way, they echo Beaudrillard’s “precession of simulacra; that is, the representation precedes and determines the real. There is no longer any distinction between reality and its representation; there is only the simulacrum.”* Almost meta-literature, i.e. the simulation of true commentary,

the individual sentences which compose these pieces conform to syntactic rules of English, yet their semantic meaning is effectively lost. Moreover, as aligned with our so-called “Age of Information” as well as the ceaseless scrutiny of the internet, the proliferation of constant discourse occurring on social media, many modern works seem to simply pose issues without the suggestion of how to solve these issues, if they even have the eloquence to articulate coherently. Thus, these abominations of journalism and abuses of the English language, in their ever-complaining nature and archaic rhetoric, pose the question: Must an author write an article if its purpose is simply to complain about the state of the world?

*Felluga, Dino. "Modules on Baudrillard: On Simulation."

Introductory Guide to Critical Theory. Date of last update, which you can find on the home page. Purdue U. Date you accessed the site. <http://www.purdue.edu/guidetotheory/ postmodernism/modules/baudrillardsimulation.html>.

OCTOBER 5TH, 2021

VOL 18, ISSUE 1

New Summer Reading Announced Our administrative sources are reporting that the class of 2026’s summer reading program will be Vatsyayana’s Kama Sutra. An ostensibly controversial choice, the decision aligns with WashU’s commitment to teach people things they will never get the opportunity to use. Many students expressed eagerness to learn more about sensuality, tragically unaware that it will be years before it helps them in anything but critical analysis of the snippet of porn they hear when their roommate connects to the Bluetooth speaker.

TOP 10...

of 2026 becomes, at last, privy to the lascivious delights of the female form, and, frantically flipping through his threadbare leather wallet, rediscovers this cursed neon-yellow rubber. With fervor, he’ll attempt to finesse the sticky sleeve on before his nerves travel south and cease the long-awaited coitus, but, due to a devilish combination of his partner’s distaste for artificial banana flavoring and his until-presently-undiscovered-latex allergy, our Odyssean hero be rendered unable to boast the fact that he, after all, actually did the summer reading freshman year.)

Our source, who preferred to remain anonymous until they finish reading it themselves, elaborated that “WashU aims to foster an environment of lifelong learners in the Humanities- and what could be more human than knowing someone biblically, carnally?”

Due to the up-close-and-personal nature of the text, the University is planning to lift COVID restrictions for the group discussions, and students are recommended to stretch their minds and their bodies before attending.

Gone are the days of thought-provoking, interdisciplinary novels that arrive at Hitzeman two days after the scheduled discussion--the Kama Sutra will ensure that everything (and everyone) comes right on time.

OP EN MIN YOU R D you ! (on ly rm ind )

The Common Reading Program package will also include a banana-flavored condom and an at-home STD test, both of which are expected to remain unused. (Until one fateful eve junior year, when a poor bastard member of the class

Top 10 Sharks

10.

Great white

9.

Okay white

8.

Left shark

7.

The one from Shark Tales my dad thinks is gay

6.

Me when the kids at the local pool ask me to be the shark in their sharks and minnows game

5.

The one that raced Michael Phelps (and won!)

4.

Mark Cuban

3.

The one whose teeth are now trinkets in the STL Aquarium gift shop

2.

The damn dirty bastard that ate my good leg

1.

My good friend Dave, who jumps in the pool every time I throw a chicken nugget in there and then flaps around saying “More chum please, master!”

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Big Daddy’s on the Landing closed. WDYT?

CHANCELLOR MARTIN

GREG, SOPHOMORE

Optimist

Self therapizes

Everyone come to Ursa’s Night Life.

This reminds me how we never got CLOSURE, and

I was so lucky to LAND you in the first place. We were in a SLIPPERY situation, but I should have never said ADIOS MOTHERFUCKER to our relationship. I hate to think that you’re going to ARCH your back for anyone else. I just don’t think I’m ready to say SOULARD (so long?) to us.

BIG DADDY’S SOULARD

GEORGE WASHINGTON

The uglier sister

Big daddy

… Anyways, see you guys next weekend!

This marks the end of a cultural renaissance.