DECEMBER 25TH, 2023
BURIED WUNDERGROUND
Breaking: Insourcing out, Outsourcing In
That’s Psycho: Therapist One Space Bar Away From Jail Time
Bus Driver Fired After 100 Bottles of Beer Found in His Walls
Gone Phishing: WashU’s IT Department Quits After Scam Email Success
Do you ever find strange emails in your inbox? Vague threats of legal prosecution or meal point deficits? If so, you might be the target of PHISHING! While this might sound like a nice day out on the lake with the boys, it’s not nearly as sick nasty. It’s just sick. And it’s nasty. Ghouls on the internet want to steal your information, and they’re gonna send you emails to get it.
As a result of such a pressing threat, WashU’s heroic IT department, our last line of defense, uses the enemy’s tactics against them. By flooding students’ inboxes with phishing emails of their own, IT hopes to train the masses to recognize these bogus messages.
“We pretty much just send really scary emails at like 8:30 in the morning. That’s when the students are most vulnerable,” said IT department chair Goon Robson, “It’s been working a little too well. We’re phishing the hell out of these kids.”
“I got this freshman with the classic: ‘your mom’s dead, gimme money’ trick,” said lead phisherman Rutherford Steez, “Honestly, I bet I’d make more money running a real phishing operation than working here.”
UPDATE:
In the past week, phishing activity at WashU has increased tenfold; students have been hit with a barrage of fake parking tickets, requests for password confirmation, and messages from hot milfs in their area. Meanwhile, the IT department is nowhere to be found. One student, Brandon Scungis, had
New Jewish Fashion Line: Menschwear
We’ve Never Seen This Before: The Godfather
Okay Greta Thunberg, I’ll get a UPass
this to say about the phishing fiasco: “Just yesterday, I got an email from Boeing. They offered me a job making mini WMDs for household use, but when I clicked ‘accept’, all my V-Bucks disappeared!”
I attempted to reach out to WashU IT for further comment, but all that remains of their website is a game that will (and I quote), “make you cum in five seconds”. My suspicions, like my email password, seemed to be confirmed. The WashU IT department had gone rogue, choosing to make hella money phishing wealthy college students. A victimless crime? Maybe. But as an English major once told me, a crime is a crime is a crime is a crime. (I think.) As the university has been left defenseless, the only advice I can give is to STOP READING YOUR EMAILS. All of them. None of them are safe. Set fire to your Outlook account. Become unphishable.
WUnderground Holiday Gift Guide
The holidays: it’s that time of year when the snow falls and your frigid grandmother crawls her way out of the fast-forming fissures in the arctic ice to grace your dining room table. Ay caramba! Here’s a couple gift ideas to help you through this special season:
1. The Tesla Cybertruck
Give this gift if you’re rich and really hate someone but you don’t want them to know it. Force them into eternal purgatory. Tie them inextricably to the sinking ship that is Elon Musk’s legacy. Make them drive that one trapezoid for which you had to calculate the area in middle school geometry.
2. A St. Louis Arch ornament
Give this gift to your parents to hang on the tree so you can reminisce about your college years every season. When you’re 40, and unemployed, and still living with them, you’ll look at this ornament and say, “remember that? remember WashU?” and they, teeth bared in a forced
smile, will nod. For you, the ornament is a beacon of hope; for them, it is only a painful reminder of your wasted potential.
3. The Green Bay Packers cheesehead
Give this to your slightly shitty boyfriend who roots for any football team but the Green Bay Packers. when he says “thanks babe, but… they’re not my team,” throw a fit tantamount to George Santos when he was kicked out of Congress. Your boyfriend will acquiesce, and now he’s stuck wearing a stupid fucking block of cheese to every Sunday game lest he invoke your rage again.
4. One of them fancy beer-brewing kits
Give this to anyone in your life who’s recently finished Breaking Bad. it’s not quite the same, but it’s close enough.
5. The truth that Santa isn’t real
Give this gift to your fouryear-old cousin if you want to start him early on the cigarette-smoking realism of the French philosophers. It’s also an indirect gift to his Jewish friends, who don’t have to lie to him anymore.
6. Cash
Give this to anyone you respect. Some people say cash is an impolite gift, but really it’s like that part in the mafia movie where they start getting down to brass tacks and shooting each other. A gift is like the beginning part where they’re speaking in veiled threats and being all polite, but cash? That’s the real stuff. That’s what this whole thing is about, motherfucker.
INS AND OUTS FIRSTEVER
WUndering what's in and out for 2024?
Read our up-to-date list and set your New Year's Resolutions accordingly!
IN OUT
THE MOST WUNDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR
WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.
The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
REIGN DEER
Margaret Tinselhuys
Peter Mistletoeski
Celiabrate Rattner
Merry Campbell
Adam Myrrhch
DESIGN ANGELS
Happy Baird
Ashna Mariahcarey
ELVES
Shira Arosnow
Abby 4 Calling Birds
Riley Holiday Card
Snowmobile Chavan
Chireggnog Choudhary
Rudolph Cover
Rusty Sleighgon
Hannah Garland
Nina Firaldo
Anna Jertree
Jolly Lerman
Conrad Lewish
Eli Blitzen
Elf Majd
Ellie Perlmittens
Ashna Ramicicle
Diya Sledaksharappa
Logan Chimnneyberg
London Warmthon
Alex Bells
SeAsOnS GreEtInGs from the WashU Republicans
Location: North Pole
Mood: A bit peeved off
Well, it’s official. Santa has gone woke. That’s right, he’s Jewish now. Just kidding. But it’s almost just as bad. Old Saint Nicholas must have asked himself for a surfboard this year because he is riding the wave of secular heresy. To preventatively combat his cancelation for years of being too trill, Father Christmas has implemented some policy changes, not the least of which comes to the list of every child that he keeps and checks compulsively like some sort of omniscient Drake.
New to his naughty list, all things good, including: comedy. Joseph (he wasn’t the stepfather, just the father that stepped up). Getting cucked by God. The cozy feeling from white-on-white missionary where you just poke your thing through a pair of flesh-colored long johns. White people being racist but it’s cool bc it’s ironic (shit, I already wrote comedy). The top gospel musician
FESTIVE!!
of 2022. Body shaming Rudolph. Having your tongue fall to the floor and uncurl like Hubba Bubba Bubble Tape while going, “humina humina humina humina humina” in response to an A+ pair of bazoombas.
New to his nice list, evil incarnate, such as: saying happy holidays. when you have to say Christmas, just say Xmas, and imagine that it’s the x from Latinx. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Latinx, say Xmas like Malcom X. When you can’t get away with saying Xmas like Malcom X, say Xmas like the ex-homie, Judas Iscariot. being nonbinary. Karl Marx (Engels didn’t make the list, he’s even too bitch made for Santa). Every Jew except Jesus.
Also on his naughty list, a WSU podcaster who takes statements advocat-
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
“800 million to Ukraine, 1.2 billion to
ing human rights as personal attacks. Look. Ima be real. We take a stand against biased higher education by maintaining extremely low levels of reading comprehension. No, I don’t know what “stochastic terrorism” means, but I get the feeling it’s just a way to dismiss me when I say that a harmless group of lovely people are pedophilic groomers who should no longer exist. Checkmate! That is a logical fallacy because it doesn’t engage the substance of my hatred. I just bested you with reason and as a result, made white in my pants. If paying $11,000 to have a genocidal reactionary elevate the level of discourse on campus is naughty, I don’t want to be nice. The holiday season is here! WDYT?
GUY WHO SHOPPED AT AVALON ONCE
isn’t avalon problematic
WASHU COURSE EVALS TEAM
“Show mom and dad you’re not ungrateful for $80k in tuition by getting them both WashU mugs they can regift when you transfer.”
“I just hate the consumerism, you know?”
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TOP 10... My Christmas List for Santa
Ways to Dispose of Graduating Seniors
Vote them out
Send ‘em to brunch and they don’t come back
8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.
Retirement home when they stop making sense
Vote them off the island (congratulations Zach)
Trap them in a Tuesday Tea mug like a genie
Send them to the depths of indeed.com
Skinker Kaldi’s
Say you put them in the recycling but actually put them in the trash
Mississippi River
Management Consulting
I got an extensive list this year because I was super cool and nice to my little brother Brady who fucking stinks and smells like Lemonheads all the time. I even went and visited him at Tufts and met his girlfriend Mariah Carey. She sang some dipshit song about what SHE wants for Christmas, but she didn’t even go to church at all this year I think so she should eat shit and die.
Anyhoo, first on my list is…
#1 Big Bakugan made out of woman
This doesn’t really exist yet but I know the elves are super talented. It’s gonna be like Bakugans from 2008 except it pops out into a 5 foot woman who has like a cool silver plate with crab rangoons on it for me. I’ve attached a pirated link to The Human Centipede for inspo.
#2 Boxing Lessons to Beat Drake’s Ass
I fucking hate Drake he’s got that smug ass Smurf face and he came after Megan Thee Stallion’s name I’m gonna punch him in his ovaries.
A
I just finished Downton Abbey and want to get back to my roots.
#4 Lunch with Will Ferrell
I just wanted to ask him about his approach to voice acting and how he so perfectly captured the yuppie-turned-cuck The Man in the Yellow Hat in Curious George (2004).
#5 Yoga Ball
I need a yoga ball this year so I can pretend to be pregnant at Babies R Us. No further questions.
#6 A One-Way Ticket to Gary, Indiana
I’m not sure if you know this Santa, but Gary is no longer the steel giant it used to be. Industry left for foreign lands (like Alabama). I think I can save it. With my background in nunchucks and nun-fucking I think theres nothing stopping me. Let’s go be heroes Santy write the check.
Dear Santa,
#3
really big hat