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Chancellor Wrighton Ironic Before it was Cool page 3
VOLUME 9, ISSUE 6
MARCH 1, 2013
Whipped Guy Steals $50 Million Worth of Diamonds As Gift For Girlfriend
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Buried WUnderground Rape and Death Toll From Kappa Delta Colonization Skyrockets to 0
Propaganda poster created by Kappa Delta’s imperialistic national office
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pproximately $50 million worth of diamonds were stolen at a Brussels Airport earlier this month by a total bitch who sources say is completely whipped by his girlfriend. The highly orchestrated heist was pulled off by a team of eight individuals, who lifted approximately 120 packages from the plane’s cargo hold, in what turns out to have been a desperate man’s attempt to hopefully have sex, at least maybe get a hand job, come on it’s been like three weeks. The thieves reportedly boarded the plane disguised in police uniforms that the pathetically insecure boyfriend had originally purchased in an attempt to spice things up in the bedroom, as if it would have be
enough to convince her of his masculinity. Come on, they cost a lot of money, look baby, they even came with handcuffs. From breaking onto the tarmac to making off with the diamonds, the entire theft took only minutes to conduct. An anonymous source said it would have been even faster if the pussy-whipped stooge had not stopped in the middle of the goddamn thing to speak with his girlfriend on the phone, promising that he’d be over to cook dinner and wasn’t sleeping around, okay yes, I love you. Baby? Aren’t you going to say it too? Christophe LaForge, an unidentified fugitive with whom WUnderground has had absolutely no contact whatsoever, sat down to speak with us on the
condition of anonymity. “My friend came to us asking for help and we really didn’t want to enable him,” said the guy who knew this was a stupid idea because no matter what, she’s still just going to be a raging psycho megabitch. Dude, how do you even think she’s hot? Look, you can tell she even has a fucking mustache. Added LaForge: “But he never spends time with the guys anymore, so this was really our only chance to hang out.” As of press time, the main perpetrator’s abominable succubus girlfriend was pissed off because, god damn it, all I did was ask you to get the dry cleaning, and you can’t even remember to do that one little thing. You’re fucking useless. How can you call yourself a man?
Drama Filled Floor Takes Home Five Oscars The talented cast of Ruby 2 exceeded expectations Sunday night by taking home an astounding five Oscars. As expected, freshman Jamie Myers won Best Actress in a Leading Role for her performance in the critically acclaimed drama, That Slut Kelly Thinks She’s Better Than Everyone. Myers was later joined by drama co-star Rachel Fredersen, who received the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress after wowing audiences with her stunning portrayal of a friend who pretended to give a fuck. The biggest surprise of the
night went to Max Adler, whose performance as a remorseful boyfriend in The Night Max Cheated on Sarah With That Skank Mandy saved his relationship and earned him Best Actor in a Leading Role. The only major disappointment was when RA Kyle Steen failed to take home Best Director amid criticism that his intervention in Jordan is Drunk, Crying, and Throwing Shit Again prevented the story from reaching its full dramatic potential. Rounding out the winners were Haley Chen, who earned Best Costume Design for The
“A Good Day to Die Hard” Currently Exciting Nobody for the First Time Since Yesterday page 7
Washu Med Students Help Restore Paraplegic’s Ability to Keg Stand page IV
Guy Vows to Quit Smoking His Own Cigarettes page Z
Enlightened 2 Chainz Forgoes Material Possessions, Seeks Only a Big Booty Ho online
Cato Finally Seizes His Chance to Bring Glory to District 2
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Night That Desperate Haley Girl Showed Up Practically Naked at Josh’s Party, and Kelsey Adams, whose award for Best Makeup in God Damn Kelsey is Hot will no doubt leave her friends seething with jealousy.