NOW AVAILABLE IN ENGLISH!
VOLUME 8, ISSUE 5
FEBRUARY 3RD, 2012
PRICE: TWO THIRDS OF YOUR DIGNITY
Hallmark Expands Valentine’s Day Offerings to Include Every Possible Romantic Relationship
H
allmark, the largest manufacturer of greeting cards in the United States, recently announced its intention to offer a new, diversified line of Valentine’s Day cards targeting the long-ignored rejects of the holiday. Citing a new era of sexual misfits, Hallmark hopes to broaden its market for the romantic holiday to cater to more complicated relationships than the typical commercialized couple. “It’s just not a good day for necrophiliacs. Nor is it for divorcees, inter-species erotics, and asexuals,” says company spokesperson Tyler Gooding. “There’s an untapped market here, and we’re going to penetrate it like a horny fucker.” Hallmark has long been under fire for producing heartfelt, wholesome cards for an increasingly single and perverted American public. Because many Americans feel that these traditional Valentine’s Day offerings aren’t satisfying their needs, the influx of valentines this year featuring spiteful slogans, uncomfortably erotic designs, and angsty punk rock audio should provide a welcome change. Demand for a better way to tell your signifi-
cant other that you slept with their sibling last New Year’s Eve is higher than ever before, and Hallmark feels that it would simply be poor business to ignore the changing market. Another advertising strategy
In a study that has provided a startling wake-up call to the criminal justice system in the United States, a recent poll has found that almost every person convicted of a crime did not actually commit it. The finding, which was consistent among all crimes and jurisdictions, calls into serious question the process used to distinguish the guilty from the innocent, as
hardly anyone polled during their trial revealed that they in fact committed the crime for which they would serve time. “God, I feel awful,” said St. Louis prosecutor Harold Riley, who has apparently been putting innocent men in prison for the better part of three decades. “Just last week I put a guy in jail for life because eight witnesses, DNA evidence, fingerprints, gun receipts, a past history of violent criminal behavior, and security footage suggested he had committed a murder, but now he says he didn’t even do it! I guess the system just doesn’t work.” Experts suggest that future trials simply ask the defendant whether or not he committed the
on our quarterly revenue,” Gooding stated. “Now, are we concerned about the deranged weirdos the new cards will lure to our stores? Dear God, absolutely. But that’s a risk we’re willing to take.” Once again Hallmark is reminding greeting card recipients not to think too hard about the sincerity of a card that was written by a complete stranger. Sample cards:
•(Front) Roses are red, Violets
are Blue. (Inside) I need that child support by Friday, And I think you’re a needy slut. •(Front) You don’t understand
intended to boost the company’s sales around the holidays is a commercial campaign promoting polygamous relationships. Extensive marketing research has left Hallmark’s management eightypercent certain that if every dedicated husband purchases three cards instead of one, overall sales will likely rise. “We at Hallmark are enthusiastic about the positive effects these products could have
English... (Inside) so the content of this card is irrelevant. You’re a very sexually attractive goat. Feel free to eat this card.
Overachieving Student Takes Writing Two page 420
Member of WashU Administration Supports Policy Enacted By Administration page 0101
Newly Inducted Sorority Girl Unsure How to Let Others Know page 11b
Cool Population of WashU Unharmed in Deadly Saturday Night Library Fire page 3:1-15
•(Front) I’m not attracted to
you... (Inside) but don’t worry, I’m not attracted to anyone.
Research Finds That 50% of Humans Tragically Born Without a Penis
Wrongful Conviction Rate Near 100%, According to Poll of Convicted Felons
An unjustly incarcerated woman.
WUnderground Poll Results Did you commit the crime you’re in prison for?
Should you be free right now, or in prison?
0.8% Yes
99.6% Free
99.2% No
0.4% In Prison
crime in question, as after all, he would know best. The high error rate for the current system seems almost expected given that those deciding the guilt of the defendants aren’t even present when the crime are committed, a system Riley calls “pretty silly, when you think about it.” Further proposed revamps of the criminal justice system include telling those committing crimes to come to the police rather than going through the arduous process of police coming to them, and a parole system that allows prisoners to leave once they feel they are properly rehabilitated. “We can and must unclog America’s heavily flawed prison
Should WUnderground spend time and resources to tirelessly work for your release?
100% Yeah, okay.
page 4.5
Area Racists Brace Themselves For Extra Day of Black History Month page XLVI
system,” says Dante “Crusher” Lopino, a current inmate at Missouri State Penitentiary who was wrongly accused of four murders. “Who do I have to kill to get out of this fucking place?”
Is there anything else we can do for you, you misunderstood, brave hero? 20.7% I need porn. 47.2% Make me a shiv, please! 32.1% Here’s a list of people I forgot to kill