Issue 20.3 by wundergroundwashu

WUnderground

FEBRUARY 14TH, 2023

BURIED WUNDERGROUND

Group of Virgins Name Their Newspaper StudLife

I Went to the Olin Library Sex Room and Nobody Knew You

OP ED: “I Was The First One to Sit Down With the Clitoris and Listen”

“I Choose You,” Mormon Pokemon Trainer Tells Twelfth Charizard

VOL 20, ISSUE 3

You Asked For Virginity: Here's

a Review of The Legend of Zelda:

Tears of the Kingdom

Every good abstinent boy knows his Zelda games. And in the case of 2023’s The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom, it was a pleasure to make its acquaintance. The latest game in the long-running series serves primarily as a sequel to 2017’s smash hit The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild, but never feels like a retread. In building upon the foundations that Breath of the Wild set (most notably in the case of asset reuse), Tears of the Kingdom is able to turn its focus towards engaging new game mechanics. The familiar “Sheikah Slate” abilities from Breath of the Wild are replaced here with new “Zonai Arm” abilities, and these bring a game-changing depth which its predecessors did not.

For example, the “Ultrahand” ability allows Link to manipulate a semi-destructible environment, sticking together various items to create bridges, walls, traps, vehicles, or anything else one can imagine. The idea of combination further extends into the “Fuse” abil-

ity, which gives Link the ability to fuse any of the hundreds of items present in the game to his equipment. For example, he might fuse a monster’s horn to a sword for a sharper swing, or fuse a mushroom to his shield for a puff of poison in an attacking enemy’s face.

These new abilities significantly heighten the gameplay potential of Zelda’s already expansive open world, though it should be noted - the complexity of the new abilities might create a learning curve a little steep for players new to the franchise, though as a follow-up to Breath of the Wild, the new mechanics

feel at least somewhat intuitive.

Overall, I’d say that The Legend of Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom is a must-play on the Nintendo Switch. It takes all the elements that made its predecessor a masterpiece and expands them, going as far as to triple the size of the map, all without compromising the Switch’s hardware. Honestly it’s a miracle that the game was released on the aging system. This game is not only one of the best in the Zelda series, but one of the best games released in the last ten years.

Sidechat to Pioneer Celibacy Awareness Club

Can you believe it’s only been a little over a year since YikYak I mean Gaggl I mean Sidechat took WashU by storm? For just over 3 grueling semesters, our esteemed scholar champions have been able to project their stream of consciousness both completely unprompted, and, better yet, completely anonymously through the medium of Fizz Sidechat. From posting the 33rd petty complaint about their Top-25 school today, to astute takes such as “W Weather”,

Sidechat perfectly exemplifies the inner workings of our academically lethal minds. However, my friends, times are dark. Long gone is the pure-minded, New Year’s resolution spurred month of January. February, the month of uncontrollable lust and unchecked indulgence is upon us, and we must be ready to fight back. Student Life is set to release their “Sex Issue”, which I believe is a major issue in itself; one which needs to be addressed posthaste! But who can save us from the unstoppable

tide of lust which rumbles ever closer with every passing minute? Well, look no further than WashU’s most beloved Sidechat users to get the job done. In collaboration with the WashU Department of Mental Gymnastics, Sidechat’s top 15 users are set to pioneer the university’s very first Celibacy Awareness Club. The club’s objective is simple. As repeated for 4 whole pages in their Club Constitution, “Celebrate Celibacy!”

The exec board formed of Sidechat’s top 15 users, who have henceforth dubbed themselves the “Continence Council”, are slated to begin their publicity campaign after that one calc midterm everyone is freaking out about. Look out for the Celibacy Awareness Club tabling at the DUC, competing with those random communists for who gets to invade the activities fair, and attending church every single Sunday!

WANNA LINK?

Habif Denies People STI Testing: Too Many People Who

Don’t Fuck Are Using the

In a recent campaign to boost morale among Habif staff and save money in a healthcare system that has been immensely affected by inflation, Habif employees have created restrictions on who can take a test to check for sexually transmitted diseases.

The parameters:

“But do you think they actually fuck?”

Freshman Jack Smith walked in to receive an STI test with conviction that his WashU insurance would pay for his test. After a quick physical exam, Habif employee Sepreh Latineg Poll assessed that due to the grey sweatpants and Umrath residence, he likely needed to be tested.

After Sepreh delivered the news that he was in fact HIV positive. She answered a couple questions.

“We recognize that this policy is not necessarily foolproof. But

some of these kids are truly kidding themselves when they ask for that test.”

One senior, a boy named Kyle Watkins, was denied testing after he briefly mentioned he was on the robotics team.

“It just sucks because like if they had given me a test, my syphillis probably could have been treated earlier, and I wouldn’t be paralyzed.”

When I brought up Kyle’s predicament to Sepreh, she looked unphased

“No system is foolproof.”

As Kyle wheeled away, Sepreh shrugged.

“We might need to revisit the policy, but seeing their faces when we deny them is just so fun.”

At a time when the CDC warns about the rate of STIs increasing, some are unsure of whether the cost effectiveness of this measure truly outweighs the possible risks

of an STI outbreak.

Tests

Freshman Chloe Midia argues that WashU should focus more of its attention on expanding STI testing, not reducing it.

“In a school so heavily affiliated with great healthcare, it makes no sense at all.”

Sepreh scoffed.

“Do you really think those premeds are getting pussy?”

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

STI TESTING: UMRATH ONLY

Dating Advice: Wisdom from the Toddlers at that Nursery School in the Village

Q: So I know this guy who’s afraid of sex. What can he do to not be afraid of it and can I tell him myself?

A: Stay afraid. Sex is scary. Lots of liquids and noises. You know what they say, a life lived out of fear is a life lived well.

~Oliver

Q: Why does it hurt when I pee?

A: Definitely a lack of faith in the Lord. Try ten Hail Marys a day and regularly douse the affected area in holy water. If that doesn’t work, sorry buddy. Try sinning less.

~Charlotte

Q: How do I talk to a crush?

A: It’s always nice to give people compliments- tell them you think they deserved to have parents that loved them more, and that you like how they’re not focused on being the smartest person in every room. Tell them you don’t crave the funniest or most beautiful lover, but you’re content with the good old American middle class.

~Amelia

Q: Should I message her? It’s been a month but I think about her every single day.

A: Absolutely! She’s thinking about you too! Surely nothing can go wrong! Hell, send her fifteen messages, the more the better! Detail every little thought you’ve had in the last month, and she’ll finally understand that you’re the right person for her.

~Mason

Q: What if they are stinky?

A: Consider them a delicacy. One man’s stinky is another man’s kinky. Ever heard of Camembert? Embrace epicureanism. Live Mas.

~Eveirleigheh

Q: What is edging?

A: Well.. it’s.. Like.. well.. Like. so when youre.. Uh.. you keep.. Getting.. Uh.. closer.. Closer.. to .. uh..

~James

Q: She keeps hopping to her burrow under Brookings when I try to ask her out. What do I do?

A: Seems you’ve fallen in love with the elusive St. Louis molewoman. Do yourself a favor and don’t get involved. Trust me. Dirt

all over my floor, dirt in my bed, dirt in the goddamn shower drain. She tried to end it with a note, but as she was sneaking out, she hit a water main under my backyard. Flooded all my shit. Keep away.

~Emily

Q: What those tonsils do?

A: You got me there. I have no fucking idea what tonsils do.

~Carlos

A:Your tonsils are two round, fleshy masses in the back of your throat (pharynx). Part of your immune system, your tonsils are like lymph nodes. They help filter out germs that enter through your nose or mouth to protect the rest of your body from infection. Tonsils are also called palatine tonsils or faucial tonsils.

Sometimes tonsils can become red, swollen or infected. If this issue becomes chronic or doesn’t get better, your healthcare provider might recommend a tonsillectomy (tonsil removal). Typically, people who have their tonsils removed can still fight off infection without any problems. Your body can find other ways to combat germs.

~Jasper Atticus

Q: Will I ever be loved by my parents?

A: Reply Hazy. Try Again Later.

~Aaliyah

Q: Will love tear us apart?

A: Love’s ability to destroy is simply a mirror of its ability to create. Your mortal insecurity simply speaks to the inexperienced nature of your soul; seasoned beings know there’s no difference between togetherness and separation. This question is moot: if you’ve loved you cannot be torn apart.

~Baby 4

Margaret Undresselhuys

Peter MichalSTI

Celia Gyattner

Missionary Campbell

Adam Kirsch INCELS