WUnderground
OCTOBER 31ST, 2023
BURIED WUNDERGROUND
Desperate Students Reopen Datamatch for Thanksgiving
Beyond Boundaries Student "Doesn't See Color"
LARP Club Consumer Testing Reveals Armour Magazine Terrible in Combat
VOL 20, ISSUE 1
BREAKING: Invisible Hand Broken
Gas is $5. It’s impossible to buy a home. Inflation this. Recession that. Something about the Dow? For months, economists have been scratching their heads trying to figure out the reason for America’s economic woes. Finally, the root cause has been determined: the Invisible Hand is broken.
For centuries, the Invisible Hand guided us through the obstacles of capitalism, but after a recent run-in with an invisible wood chipper, the five-fingered foe has called it kaput.
“The doc says it’s just a stress fracture,” the Invisible Hand said. “Running the economy is a lot of work, and I know things look kinda bad right now, but don’t worry. This won’t be anything like ‘08.”
Since the news of the Invisible Hand’s incapacitation broke, undergraduate business programs across the country have scrambled to explain the issue, even though it’s pretty simple. “We had to restructure our entire syllabus,” Busty Dragon, Management 100 Teaching Assistant at the Olin School said. “We had the students play Operation in class to
illustrate the anatomy, but they still couldn’t wrap their heads around it. I’m just bracing myself for the unit on the Prisoner’s Dilemma.”
The break comes at a horrible time during the job search. “How am I supposed to use Handshake now?” the Invisible Hand said with exasperation. Due to the Invisible Hand’s exit from the spotlight, other notable limbs have jumped at the opportunity. “This is my time to shine,” the Hamburger Helper Hand said. “Invisible shmivisible. That guy is such an attention whore. It’s about
BRACE YOURSELF
time us other hands got some recognition.” Even below-the-waist parts are joining in on the fanfare. “They said I wasn’t suited to run capitalism,” Achilles’ heel said. “Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now.”
Adam Smith was not available for comment (actually, fuck him).
Seigles, DUCs, and Crows: Examining WashU’s Weird Thing With Birds
Seigle Hall. The DUC. Crow Hall. These are the names of some of the most iconic spaces on WashU’s campus. And also the physics building. But I’m gonna drop a truth bomb on you guys: these are also all the names of BIRDS!!! (if you pronounce them out loud and reeeeally squint at the way they’re spelled)
“So what?” I can hear you saying, to which I retort, “So this!” while theatrically pointing at a Diet Coke-stained trifold. I am firmly of the belief that
WashU has named all these buildings after birds as an act of war. Like the lion and the zebra, the whale and the krill, Doja Cat and her fans; WashU and birds are natural enemies. The university has named these buildings after birds as a way to mock the feathered creatures, replacing them with stone monoliths to remind them that they’re not welcome here. Seriously, have you ever seen a bird on this campus? Cause I’ve been here three years, and the only bird I’ve ever seen has been a Canada Goose.
We’re now left with only one question. One which has haunted every avian-themed conflict since the Great Emu War of 1932: “Why the heck are we beefing with these birds?” I’m ashamed to say I don’t know. In an attempt to further my investigation, I went to Andrew Martin’s office to demand answers, but the warlord was allegedly “in a meeting.” I left, disappointed, and went home for my afternoon siesta, only to wake up to THE HEAD OF A PIGEON IN MY BED. I sloshed around for a moment, struggling to pick it up. (Waterbeds, am I right?) In the pigeon’s beak was a note, which read: “Back off or I’ll vaporize Fredbird.” With the fate of my favorite MLB mascot in jeopardy, I knew I needed to end the scourge that WashU has been unleashing on our feathered friends, but a worry gnaws at me. I fear I may have made things worse, that the balance of half-and-halfs might tip ever slowly towards chicken. But I stand regardless. This war isn’t over. It’s only just begun.
Taylor Swift Attends WashU Football Game, Goes Completely Unnoticed
Nashville-based country singer Taylor Swift was reportedly present at last week’s WashU football game against Illinois Wesleyan University. Though the entire team corroborates the story, there is a suspicious lack of witnesses to the attendance of the daughter of successful stockbroker Scott Kingsley Swift who were not athletes or coaching staff. “You’d think that if the chick that played that lady in The Lorax (2012) stepped foot on campus, people would know, but the truth is there was no one else in the stands to recognize her,” stated Aaron Keen, coach of theWashU Bears. While the sister of Vanderbilt University alumni Austin Swift went
widely unnoticed on her trip to campus, her presence was widely reported at other locations in the area. A WUnderground correspondent caught up with the singer for a few quotes on what she’s been up to the last few days. “I went apple picking at Eckerts’” said the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award nominee, “It was… I mean if you like apple picking I would definitely suggest it. I only grabbed a few because it’s not like I’m making a pie or anything but like, the ones I got look good.” Swift also visited the St. Louis Arch, commenting that it was “freaking awesome”. For those who missed her at last week’s game, Swift is hoping to make a splash next Saturday at a quizbowl tournement, where she expects a significantly larger turnout.
OP ED: Sentiments of a Pant-Shitter
To make this article easier for me to write and you to read, I’ll cut to the chase: I can’t keep my underpants clean. But the stench is not nearly enough to keep my peers away from me at all times, so I figured I’d put it into writing to make sure it becomes everybody’s problem. I’m not writing this to raise awareness about some debilitating condition, advertise some bullshit vitamin, or even look for a solution for my so-called “problem.” I just like to rant, and people can’t comment on this article to call me mean names like they did on Reddit.
“ShitTalking”
WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.
The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.
OVERLORDS
Margaret Dresselhuys
Peter Michalski
Celia Rattner
Harry Campbell
Adam Kirsch
Abby Baird
GivingyourOh-So-Special OpinionsWhenNobodyAsked
Oh God, speaking of getting real, why do people constantly make stuff up to complain about?
I’ll be minding my own business, shitting my OWN pants, when someone has the gall to look me dead in the eye and ask, “What’s that terrible smell???” I'm outraged to report this has happened more than once, and I’m convinced everyone is out to pick on me in particular. What smell are they even talking about? I sure as hell don't see a smell around here! Seeing is believing, and I don’t believe in their little “terrible smell” hivemind for a second.
This one really grinds my gears. Everybody likes to “talk shit;” they all think they’re the best at it! Isn’t that rich? Well, if you think you can talk the talk you better be ready to walk the walk. So how about you put your shit where your pants are and get real for once?
“Gobacktoyourdormand
change,thisisa12-personseminar inatinyroom”
For the love of God, get a hobby.
Despite my rants, PR is telling me that I need to say that I respect your opinions. Everybody is entitled to their own, as I am entitled to mine. It would be unreasonable to suggest that other people change their opinions and behavior for my sake. Phew, now that I got that “PR-mandated segment” out of the way, this’ll go straight to the StudLife forum for all to read. It meets all the requirements after all; it’s a body of text, doesn’t contain any slurs, satisfies PR, AND raises awareness about my lack of companionship. So yeah, this is who I am, and I don’t plan on changing. Or maybe I do. I don’t know.
Advice Column: "I Skipped National GF Day... Now I Can't Celebrate National BF Day"
Dear Men,
If you are celebrating National BF Day, congratulations! You didn’t make my critical error.
On National GF Day this year, well, I skipped it. I don’t remember if I forgot or thought it would be funny, but either way, I remember it didn’t go well.
It turns out that not celebrating National GF Day means you won’t be a boyfriend when National BF Day comes around. It’s kind of like a buy-one (you must)-get-one-offer.
In this all-or-nothing scenario, when National GF Day comes around again, try to avoid lines like “I forgot because I was busy paying off all of our dates, including the 16 oz. steak you absolutely put down last night and finished off with 5 glasses of Chateau Margaux 1787, which you called a ‘palate cleanser.’”
Recommended alternatives:
“I got you these $100 flowers!” through gritted teeth or an Instagram story shoutout in a photo where she looks good even though you have a leaf in your hair.
Now you may be wondering, “Why be in more debt?!” I sure was. But take it from me, outcomes from celebrating *her* special day may result in:
Fewer flowers (she bought them for herself) being thrown in your face and not smelling like roses with a hint of blue perennial salvia for a week… wow she was high-maintenance
Not being broken up with and having all of your belongings still intact (including Rudy your stuffed bear)
Ability to celebrate National BF Day this calendar year (Less important, but she may even buy you a gift! Turns out face masks
are truly life-changing)
Enough from me – Go celebrate!
Wishing a happy National BF Day to all!
SingleUser123
Venmo: ready-2-mingle (seriously tho)
Steak contributions welcome.
Ashna Ramiah
DESIGN WIZARDS UNDERLORDS
Shira Aronow
Abby Baird
Riley Card
Neil Chavan
Chirag Choudhary
Ruby Cover
Rusty Dagon
Hannah Gallin
Nina Giraldo
Anna Jerdee
Solly Lerman
Conrad Lewis
Eli Litman
Ella Majd
Will Palmer
Ellie Perlmutter
Ashna Ramiah
Diya Shadaksharappa
Logan Shimberg
London Wharton
Alex Wills
wunderground.wustl.edu
Police Beat St. Louis Man, Therapy Dogs Provide Support to Bystanders
Last Thursday, two officers held down Jonathan Davis while a third hit him repeatedly with his car. Davis was caught fleeing the CVS at 6211 Delmar Blvd with a box of stolen macadamia nut Clif Bars.
The 28-year-old lost his job in August and needed food for his wife and kids, according to court testimony. Now, he suffers from three herniated discs and a broken wrist.
The crime scene was joined by St. Louis Police Department’s newest additions — Prookie and Pear, future therapy dogs in the making.
After a “ruff” start, the eight-month-old puppies were adopted by the department in an effort to “bridge the gap” between officers and the local community.
Since arriving at the department in February, the pups have turned crime scenes into big puppy play parties, Chief of St. Louis Police Department Robbert “Sharp” Cheddar said to reporters outside of CVS.
“Today, with movements such as the 2020 Black Lives Matter protests, people across the country are exposing the inherent inequities that exist within the [police] institution,” Cheddar said. “These dogs make people smile everyday — what better way to build a free and equal society than that?”
More notably, the dogs make anyone feel like a kid again, according to Cheddar. When he is not catching impoverished people at crime scenes, the Chief can frequently be seen on all fours challenging the dogs to race – or, in his newest trick, playing fetch.
“I’ve got a mean technique,” Cheddar said, smiling. “Today, I can catch any stick that comes my way – Prookie just has to throw.”
Research from Reader’s Digest has shown that comfort dogs are significant to reducing stress and decreasing anxiety.
For bystander Rachel “Aged” Asiago, what started as a day filled with trauma at seeing a bloody Davis ended with
giggles – one cuddle at a time.
“I honestly was just happy to get my mind off of it,” Asiago said. “I fainted at one point, and Prookie softened my fall!”
For the future, Cheddar looks forward to the pups’ first birthday party, which will occur in January in an event open to the public. The furry fiesta will be complete with puppucinos, pooch cakes, and their own personal “pupperazzi.”
“These dogs love everybody,” Cheddar said with a chuckle. “If that’s not diversity, I don’t know what is.”
East end fountain cholera
Deafening silence
from
lack of airpods :((((
Mallinckrodt
Raditation MRI rips out your vaccine chip
Falling off your desk when trying to “oh captain my captain”
Can’t break fall on fall break
PIKERS, IN HARMONY “Always you, girl”
SWEATY JORDAN PEELE
GEORGE WASHINGTON “Whoever doesn’t die of pneumonia wins the wetticoat petticoat contest”
“Whoever wears the least deodorant”
WUnderHoroscope: October 2023
Aries: March 21 - April 19: You see that guy behind you? You don’t? He’s right there. Behind you. Right there. He’s coming closer. Oh wait that’s just your shadow.
Taurus: April 20 – May 20: Don’t trust your gut today. Your tapeworm has bad judgment.
Gemini: May 21- June 21: That dog Quincy and that woman are gonna eat you. You’re fucking dead.
Cancer: June 22- July 22: If you have a rich friend, hang out with them for a free trip.
Leo: July 23 – August 22: Not everything is about you, including this horoscope.
Virgo: August 23 – September 22: What if “what is” was less than your best or which is that which is.
Libra: September 23 – October 22: You will experience a birthday between September 23-October 22.
Scorpio: October 24 – November 21: Broken clocks will be right three times a day.
Sagittarius: November 22 –December 21: Sagittarius or saggy tits? You need botox to stay in the game.
Capricorn: December 22 – January 19: Today you are making pluto a planet.
OPINIONS
Point: "French kissing is gross"
Aquarius: January 20 – February 18: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our tresspasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.
Pisces: February 19 – March 20: If you don’t have a rich friend, don’t hang out with them, they might ask you for a free trip.
Counterpoint: "French people are gross"
HORRORSCOPE!