Issue 19.6

WUnderground

PRICE: YOUR LEFTOVER MEAL POINTS

NEWS: Governor Parson Can’t Find the Clit

BREAKING

With money dirtier than what he would imagine a WashU Sorority house to look like (cough, the Missouri brothel law), Parson was finally able to release Operation Uterus to the market today.

Remember when the current Missouri governor, Mike Parson, was the only statewide elected official to accept gifts from a lobbyist in his first six months in office? We finally know what all that money was going towards! Parson recently released the first ever Operation Uterus board game. With this game, Parson and his lackeys have more control over the uterus than ever before.

First an investor in personal wealth and second a representative of the people, Parson has had a long history with getting Operation Uterus off the ground. In 2019, Parson’s Missouri Stands for the Unborn Act got rejected by a judge a moment before it was enacted into law. Under this

proposed act–Parson’s personal baby–anyone who performs an abortion after eight weeks would have been charged with a Class B felony punishable by 5 to 15 years in prison. Shutting down this law was a tough blow to Parson’s dream of a Missourian farm of sister wives. But not to fear, folks–the free market can’t be pinned down. In 2022, Parson was finally able to give legal effect to the Right to Life of the Unborn Child Act. This act prohibits doctors from performing abortions in Missouri unless there is a medical emergency. This new development is directly related to the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade. At last, Parson has pussy power! Well…not exactly–more uterus control.

However, some players have already reported issues with Operation Uterus. In fact, those dissatisfied players are none other than Parson and his boys club. The game is essentially Operation, except it only involves identifying parts of the female anatomy. Parson and the Missouri GOP have been stuck on locating the clit since the stock market’s opening at 8:30am this morning. Parson released a statement saying that Operation Uterus is only a game, but the doctor he fired from Planned Parenthood who had to take a mailroom job in game design drew the sketch for Operation Uterus; this doctor has told Parson that the clit is very much real.

It seems the Governor is at a lifelong impasse: acknowledge female medicine—or remain a loser forever?

ABORT! ABORT!

All the Emails I Receive in a Week from the WashU CS Department

Hi CSE students and faculty! Please avoid the second floor men’s bathroom for now. Thanks!

CSE Students, WashU’s Women in Computer Science (WiCS) chapter is hosting an “Ex(xonMobil) Night.” Bring a picture of your ex to burn, and then listen to women who have used their CSE degrees to burn as many fossil fuels as possible talk about how they broke into the industry. FREE DOMINO’S, so scan the QR code to RSVP!

Best, María

CSE students, Forwarding the following email about The Tank, an advanced class in the Olin business school which is now accepting applications.

Hello founders, This email is in a font called “fatface” because that’s what you are if you aren’t

currently building your business. Agree? Join THE TANK, an environment for students who get offended when they’re called “future business leaders” because that implies that they’re not already. Founders enrolled in THE TANK can win $10000 for their businesses by showing their dedication to getting ahead. Last semester’s winner legally changed her name to Ruth Less. Beat that, fatface.

Best, María

CSE Students, WashU’s Women in Computer Science (WiCS) chapter is hosting a “Putting the ‘ME’ in Meta” night, where women from diverse backgrounds share how they kept their connections to their cultures while selling personal data to Cambridge Analytica. FREE CHIPOTLE, so scan the QR code to RSVP!

Best, María

Hi CSE Students and Faculty! Please also avoid the second floor women’s bathroom for now. Thanks!

CSE Students, Join us for “Be There or be SQUARE,” where WashU’s only successful alum™ Jim McKelvey will be coming in to talk about co-founding Block, Inc., formerly known as Square, Inc., Cube, Inc., and Rectangle but Where All the Sides are the Same, Inc. After last time we are now back to offering FREE DOMINO’S, so scan the QR code to RSVP!

Best, María

A Guide to Going Out in St. Louis:

Female Edition

Ah. So you want to go out in, I think it sounds lovelier in Spanish, the “most violentè Ciudad in America.” Perhaps your dad paid a proctor $50,000 dollars to inflate your ACT scores and you got into WashU. Maybe your employment at a canine food company brought you here. Perhaps you tried to make it to the West and your car ran out of gas and you thought, eh, might as well just stay here. Alas, it’s the freakin weekend. Use this helpful guide to determine the best venue in all of St. Louis to black out and throw up in the adjacent grass.

1. Downtown: St.Louis’s booming metropolis includes buildings that go all the way up to almost 9 stories! You might even get to ride in an actual elevator if you get lucky. But probably not. Once your 57-year-old uber driver has asked for all of your friend's numbers, he will drop you off at the ambiguous location you called the car to. Bask in the glory of having the whole city as your playground and head to your first club. You might have to walk around a bit, so hopefully it won’t be cold, but it probably will be cold.

When you go out downtown, you will need to purchase a ticket ahead of time, usually running around $15. No, this money does not go to the actual bar venues. No, this money does in no way cover drinks. Your money goes towards a group of WashU frat brothers who have brilliantly manipulated the system and will stand at the door of the bar like a bouncer despite them being 120 pounds each and tell you you cannot get in unless you hand them a 20. It may be confusing to pay them for doing absolutely nothing. But I think of it kind of like charity. These boys often don’t even have enough money to buy a second BMW.

Marquee Bar and Grill

Do you hate peeing? Have you never had to use the bathroom in your entire life, especially after a few hours of heavy drinking? Then head to Marquee, where there is no chance you will be able to pee unless you go outside. If you like public urination on your permanent record.

Dos Salas

Do you hate your fucking friends? Do you want to ditch them because they are losers? You should go to Dos Salas because you won’t be able to find them the second you get there.

Just John’s

What I love about Just John’s is their very sophisticated and highbrow aura of mystery. With its electric atmosphere, the club draws in hundreds of members from the St.Louis LGBTQ+ community every weekend. They always have some fun surprises planned that you won’t

know until you get there, like a drag performer, free merch, or the time when there was a bomb threat and the place remained open that night and didn’t tell customers.

PBR

WashU’s a pretty liberal place with students from all backgrounds committed to positive change. The progressive student body has taught me so much and allowed me to explore current global issues. And I’ve realized, we like, live in a society. Ugh :(

And while I appreciate this atmosphere, I find it is critical to balance this with other cultural viewpoints, which is why I love heading to PBR in my pushup bra and cowboy boots. Decorated with as many Blue Lives Matter flags as you could ever want, it really is the perfect place to get a break from all that WashU liberal craziness. Especially because WashU boys are way too respectful. I want to be objectified every now and then by a 45-year-old metal beltwearing conservative grandpa. And if that’s a crime, well lock me up and have an officer slap my ass on the way out.

If this doesn’t convince you, remember that your uber to downtown and back will only cost you $126. St. Louis is a tough place to show your friends how much money your dad has. The restaurants aren’t even that expensive. To achieve this goal, offering to pay for the uber is a really great way to show how many employees your dad has exploited. Also, if you offer to pay for the Ubers, you can Venmo request your friends. They will then pay you out of their own checking accounts, and you will keep the money, even though your Uber account is tied to your parent's cards. This way, you are actually profiting from using your parent's MasterCard. I picked up this lesson in my freshman-year business class.

2. Your Friend's Apartment

Going out at Your Friend’s Apartment is like high school all over again, except with no sleeping parents upstairs. Instead, it’s someone from your econ class who lives upstairs texting you guys to keep it down because he has an exam tomorrow. To feel like you’re a senior in high school again, someone at the party might even get carried away to get their stomach pumped.

Instead of being examined by the real-life EMT, your drunk friend will have the privilege of being poked and prodded by a member of WashU’s EST. EST is like EMT but better and safer because it is composed of students from your school. If your drunk friend does get EST’d (getting eee esss teeeed is WashU speak for being so fucked up you have to be tended to by pre-med students), they will probably be assisted by some girl who was on her phone all of training, and has no idea what to do. She’ll stand there on her phone being like “I think this person is likeeeee, okayy.”

Before you leave your house to go to Your Friend’s Apartment, make sure you bring chapstick, because it would suck if you got there and they didn’t have any, definitely bring your own hard alcohol because they will probably only have beer, and also probably a gun for your walk there. Or if not a gun, at least industrialgrade pepper spray, and a handheld alarm. Your mom heard about all of the crime near WashU and wants to know the best place to buy such gear. Tell her Amazon, Bloomingdales Home, or the DUC.

3. Frat Row

Something I love about WashU is how the on-campus social scene is run entirely by circumcised 20-yearold boys whose only humor is using the word gay to describe their friend's shenanigans. Every weekend, the 8 school-sanctioned fraternities (or maybe 6 or 7 depending on who's on probation that week) will host a sweaty dance mob in their basement. If you give a shit about your social standing, you will absolutely attend.

Getting In

I’m honestly not humbled enough here. As someone whose grades and ACT scores were below the cutoff and who only got in because my grandpa paid 7 trillion dollars to refurbish the fireplace in the DUC in 1874, you’d think I’d feel humbled in my classes and whatnot. But I don’t!

Everyone needs to be humbled now and again. To achieve this fix, I head to frat row on the weekends, to stand in ripped jeans and a crop top in 1-degree weather as a freshman boy has to look up my name in the system to ensure I am relevant enough to be invited to their basement. Everyone needs to be knocked down a peg or four every now and then.

The Themes

The best part about any frat party is dressing for the theme. During the week, the social board works tirelessly to create a theme for this weekend's party. The themes are witty, intelligently crafted word-plays that are always exciting to dress up for, like

Hawaiian Groovy ‘70s USA

Bikinis and Aliens

Bikinis and Cowboys

Bikinis and Jews

Sluts and Bar Mitzvahs

Sluts and their Tennis Coaches

Boobs

Sluts

The Ambiance

I’m pretty sure the WashU gym has a sauna and a steam room, not that I’ve ever used it because I would never step foot in the gym. But I’ve heard rumors. Even if I wanted to use the steam and sauna, I would assume the gym isn’t open all night. That’s why I love frat row on a Saturday night. As you descend the staircase and enter the basement, your body temperature will immediately increase to 130 Fahrenheit. It’s the oppressive unbearable heat of a sauna with the wetness of a steam room. And what’s awesome is that wetness isn’t coming from that clean misty water of a typical steam room. No. This particular wetness is the perspiration of the top 100 worst people at your school.

Frat row is also a good way to spot anyone Jewish because their hair will expand into a religious frizz 3-5 minutes after entering the basement. With all of this in mind, enjoy your weekend. After all, this is the city that never sleeps. Or that sleeps with one eye open and its hands around a pepper spray.

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Rusty Dagon

Anna Sheriff

Benjamin Orlinick

Abbey Rose

Abby Baird

Ashna Ramiah

LAYOUT WIZARDS UNDERLORDS

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Sam Auditore

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Abby Baird

Harry Campbell

Riley Card

Neil Chavan

Chirag Choudhary

Ruby Cover

Margaret Dresselhuys

Sara Frankenthaler

Noah Gluck

Eylul Horozoglu

Adam Kirsch

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Will LeVan

Ella Majd

Peter Michalski

Will Palmer

Rida Qureshi

Ashna Ramiah

Celia Rattner

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ISSN # 1938-0089

wunderground.wustl.edu

@wunderground.washu

Fiction Fiction Fiction 1 Student Symposium OPINIONS

As John Milton would say, “Brisk as the April buds in primrose season.” This perfectly sums up the Spring Symposium of Fiction Fiction Fiction 1 students. (Note: their stories are only complete in a “figurative sense,” because the writing process is never truly finished.) Courageously, these students have hidden under desks, behind potted plants, and in closets as their professor offered up their pieces for publication in WUnderground, WashU’s premiere literary magazine. Here, we present to you these stories. These pieces are first-time published and first-time being read without jazzy snaps:

Excerpt #1: Ode to Life

“Period. Period. Period. Which came first? Chicken, or egg. Don’t be chicken of the truth. THE Truth. Life is an unreality. Really, we are all in the Matrix. That Advil you just took? Fucking blue pill, idiot. Level. Get on my Level. Period. Period. Tampon. Rebirth…” (pg 29)

Excerpt #2: Going Global

“The cold waves between my wrinkled toes inspire a tantalizing juxtaposition of excitingness and anticipation. I am a local, here, in Cancun. I feel at peace for the first time, here, in Mexico, during my week off from courses in March through early April that some may call Spring Break. A young woman in her midthirties with onyx hair and a thin smile approaches and says hola. As she takes my lunch order in Spanish, I feel the true spirit of Mexico. A cultural awakening…” (pg 1)

SAD!

Full Piece #3: A Fiery Tale

“Once upon a time at WashU, there was a really hot oil prince with muscles like Schwarzenegger and an ass that wouldn’t quit. While at the gym, a beautiful maiden needed help setting up the bench press weights. She was also really fucking hot. The strong prince came to the rescue of the maiden and they hooked up on the third floor of the DUC, and she fell in love with him for all of time. (It’s me, guys; I’m the prince. Now give me that Fiction 1 4.0)”

Truly, WashU is home to many of the brightest minds in Missouri. What a mission of excellence this course strives for, based entirely on peer feedback and community learning. Snaps, Fiction Fiction Fiction 1!

So Your Boyfriend is Going Bald

Whether he’s a big spender going for the name-brand stuff or a nice Midwestern boy who’ll get it at Costco, your boyfriend’s first move will probably be to get himself something that promises to reverse hair loss. Here’s what the savvy girlfriend will look out for:

Dilemmas:

Point: War in Sudan

more like sudamn this is actually really serious and tragic

Counterpoint: Warren, Elizabeth (girl power)

ai generated recreation of her rave pixie era

by picking you up. If he doesn’t, just fake a sprained ankle for a piggyback ride.

Conflict Resolution:

It happens to all of us at some point. Having an older boyfriend sounded kind of hot until his hair gets wet and you see it: the beginnings of bald patch. Maybe his forehead was already big and his hairline was only getting higher, but, as you’ll find out, that death by a thousand cuts is nothing compared to the sudden appearance of an honest-to-god bald spot. Our society doesn’t prepare little girls for this moment. Maybe your grandma even told you that Jewish men only get bald spots because they wear kippahs, and here you are: with a non-Jewish boyfriend but one who still has a bald spot. But nothing can hurt your feelings unless you let it. Here’s our guide to everything you need to know for when your boyfriend starts going bald.

The Hair-Regrowth Treatment:

If he moves your roommates’ toothpaste to make room for his hair treatment in your bathroom, is this overstepping? If he passes out drunk before he can put it on, should you apply it for him? Our take is that it totally depends on your situation. This is a great time to evaluate your relationship and set boundaries. If rubbing an ointment into your partner while he lies there sweating and moaning doesn’t just sound like a good way to live out your war-nurseinjured-soldier fantasy, but seems like something you can see yourself doing for the rest of your life, go for it!

Opportunities:

Show your supportive side by looking for opportunities to tell him that it’s definitely been working. You may be thinking that he’s taller than you, and that it’s hard enough to get him to go down on you without inspecting his head and telling him it’s looking better. But fear not—at some point, he will probably try to demonstrate that the strength hasn’t yet completely left his feeble aging body

We live in a different world these days, and hopefully your man has kept up with the changing times. If he has, he might have a lot of female friends, and there’s a chance that one of them might at some point get blackout and yell at him that he’s balding. He might also have sensitive male friends, and you may one day witness one of them share some life trauma and then, feeling defensive, say, “But bro, that hairline.” The important thing in these situations is to encourage your boyfriend to acknowledge these comments as constructive feedback and to take them as a learning opportunity: has he considered how it makes them feel to have to watch his rapid physical decline?

At some point, your boyfriend might just get frustrated and shave off all his hair. He might try to hide behind arguments of practicality, but unless he’s Pitbull, it’s a flimsy excuse. Ladies: this is a red flag. He’s willing to completely cut something off just because it’s getting less attractive. Especially for those of us who play on aging ungracefully, enough said.

Genetic Histories:

Even the best-managed boy-

friend-balding experience will eventually lead to a moment of panic. Most likely, this will come when he tells you that some male relative of his was bald by 26. Fear not, though: let genetics work for you. Be sure to drop plenty of hints about how full hair runs in your family. It will be a sensitive time for him, and he’ll be thinking a lot about what lies ahead. Make sure he knows that you have desirable genes to pass on to his sons. After all, we haven’t come that far.

Hair Transplants:

Three words for you: start saving now. Nothing will make him regret anything he had to say about your spending habits more than your being supportive of his hair-transplant goals. Take that high road! But even the most financially prepared couple can still face issues as part of this process. He’ll probably go to Mexico to get it done cheaply, and it’s hard not to worry. In a far-away exotic locale, newly vain about his hairline, meeting other women at a plastic surgery clinic…. Let him know that this may be a tough time, but it’s also an opportunity to show how much he values your relationship and deserves your trust. And if it turns out he doesn’t deserve it, just pray they gave him the wrong color of hair. It’s out of your hands now.

Toupees:

If you get to this point, can I instead direct you to this Guide for Finding the Right Divorce Lawyer for You?

What Your Most Frequented Dining Hall Says About You

Simply put, you thrift. You would rather stick a plastic Whispers fork in your eye than wear jeans that are not from Avalon. But for some reason you also are wearing those 300 dollar apple Beats by Dre around your neck like you’re from Shake it Up. Also you are in EST and your ass looks great in those pants.

What you should be insecure about: everyone can tell your parents are wealthy

Whispers The DUC Bauer

Stanley's

You have literally never spoken a word out loud in your life. Never have sounds emerged from your vocal chords.

What you should be insecure about: having a dell computer

If you spend your free time in the DUC, you are likely part of the 1% of WashU students majoring in classics or poetry. You and your friends likely have a consistent table you sit at every day. All of your friends solely shop at American Eagle. I’d be surprised if you weren’t a vegetarian.

What you should be insecure about: that people think you are really boring.

If you hang out in Bauer you care an alarming amount about the WashU social hierarchy that you have crafted entirely in your head. You put 10 minutes of extra time picking out an outfit in the morning if you think you might end up at Bauer that day. You are an extremely social person, who, because of your enrollment in the B school, likely does not have much work and therefore can afford to spend most of your day chatting with your friends about this weekend's fraternity formal. If you frequent Bauer there is a 0% chance you’re not from one of the coasts.

What you should be insecure about: that your future career will involve exploiting people.

Bear's Den Village

Um... grow up?

What you should be insecure about: that you are 12 and haven’t reached puberty

You just became a sophomore and think you’re sick for it and won’t eat literally anywhere else. Or you are one of the 7 football players at this school.

What you should be insecure about: your sweat stains after walking to the village everytime you want food during the day because you wouldn’t dare enter the DUC

Parkside

You would take a picture of a literal brick against a wall and submit it for your final art portfolio.

What you should be insecure about: your future prospects

Things You'd Do for a Drunk Cig

10. Go abroad

9. Get drunk

8. Take a one credit internship with Jamie Adams

7. Give yourself a nicotine addiction so you look cool

6. Join the Buisness school

If you spend most of your time in Law, look in the mirror. If you are not wearing at least two articles of Lululemon, then the sky is not blue. Or you’re a law student. In that case, maybe stop reading an undergrad satirical newspaper and pick up a book.

What you should be insecure about: I’m not going to tell you because you probably already feel bad enough about yourself after getting yelled at about your choice of carvery in your wrap

Jonah Hill Wasn’t the Reason I Started Liking Jewish People, the Parkside Bagel Was. This Is My Story.

My biggest issue with Kanye West’s only instagram post is that he claims Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street is the reason he decided not to hate Jewish people anymore. I’ve seen that movie, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t think Jonah Hill would do it for me. Maybe Seth Rogan or Julia Louis-Dreyfus could make me walk past a synagogue without spitting on it. And I could see Adam Sandler make me feel okay about hiring someone

with a last name ending in Berg. But Jonah Hill?

Like Kanye West, I only recently started liking Jewish people myself. And when I try to pinpoint exactly when it happened, it was mid-bite of a slightly burnt parkside bagel with Philadelphia schmear. I don’t know man. I just thought to myself: Jews created bagels and the parkside bagel is a pretty bad bagel but it’s still pretty great, so maybe I should stop

5. Ignore everything your oncologist dad told you

4. Stand on Mudd Field and spit into a tube

3. Elegantly show your upper thigh

2. Double fist your JUUL

1. Fist your JUUL

Chappel as Graham Shul. And in protest of Easter, I actually hand delivered several bunnies to Socke. In conclusion, if you’re going to stop hating an entire population, don’t stop because of Jonah Hill. Stop because of the Parkside Bagel.

"If your club ever mixed with WUnderground and your smoke alarm went missing... no it didn't."

"Can

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Seniors, you're graduating! WDYT?

"Amy

hating Jewish people. Suddenly, I felt the need to hug every single person who had ever felt the need to explain Westchester geography to me. I now refer to Graham WEYOU!LOVE

patron of the arts

"Wait,

שָׁלוֹם עֲלֵיכֶם

SAMMIE

taken

"If I had the time to learn every language in the world I would, so I could tell you in every language how sorry I am that I can't come to Hooters."

GEORGE WASHINGTON

rising supersenior

"Don't worry babygirl, I'm not going anywhere"

you believe I'm a buisnessman?"

Coney Barrett's address is 2035 Stephanie Marie Drive, Falls Church, VA 22043"

you're joking. What do you mean it's not pronounced WooUnderground?"