What Your Most Frequented Dining Hall Says About You

Simply put, you thrift. You would rather stick a plastic Whispers fork in your eye than wear jeans that are not from Avalon. But for some reason you also are wearing those 300 dollar apple Beats by Dre around your neck like you’re from Shake it Up. Also you are in EST and your ass looks great in those pants.

What you should be insecure about: everyone can tell your parents are wealthy

Whispers The DUC Bauer

Stanley's

You have literally never spoken a word out loud in your life. Never have sounds emerged from your vocal chords.

What you should be insecure about: having a dell computer

If you spend your free time in the DUC, you are likely part of the 1% of WashU students majoring in classics or poetry. You and your friends likely have a consistent table you sit at every day. All of your friends solely shop at American Eagle. I’d be surprised if you weren’t a vegetarian.

What you should be insecure about: that people think you are really boring.

If you hang out in Bauer you care an alarming amount about the WashU social hierarchy that you have crafted entirely in your head. You put 10 minutes of extra time picking out an outfit in the morning if you think you might end up at Bauer that day. You are an extremely social person, who, because of your enrollment in the B school, likely does not have much work and therefore can afford to spend most of your day chatting with your friends about this weekend's fraternity formal. If you frequent Bauer there is a 0% chance you’re not from one of the coasts.

What you should be insecure about: that your future career will involve exploiting people.

Bear's Den Village

Um... grow up?

What you should be insecure about: that you are 12 and haven’t reached puberty

You just became a sophomore and think you’re sick for it and won’t eat literally anywhere else. Or you are one of the 7 football players at this school.

What you should be insecure about: your sweat stains after walking to the village everytime you want food during the day because you wouldn’t dare enter the DUC

Parkside

You would take a picture of a literal brick against a wall and submit it for your final art portfolio.

What you should be insecure about: your future prospects

Things You'd Do for a Drunk Cig

10. Go abroad

9. Get drunk

8. Take a one credit internship with Jamie Adams

7. Give yourself a nicotine addiction so you look cool

6. Join the Buisness school

If you spend most of your time in Law, look in the mirror. If you are not wearing at least two articles of Lululemon, then the sky is not blue. Or you’re a law student. In that case, maybe stop reading an undergrad satirical newspaper and pick up a book.

What you should be insecure about: I’m not going to tell you because you probably already feel bad enough about yourself after getting yelled at about your choice of carvery in your wrap

Jonah Hill Wasn’t the Reason I Started Liking Jewish People, the Parkside Bagel Was. This Is My Story.

My biggest issue with Kanye West’s only instagram post is that he claims Jonah Hill’s performance in 21 Jump Street is the reason he decided not to hate Jewish people anymore. I’ve seen that movie, and I’m sorry, but I just don’t think Jonah Hill would do it for me. Maybe Seth Rogan or Julia Louis-Dreyfus could make me walk past a synagogue without spitting on it. And I could see Adam Sandler make me feel okay about hiring someone with a last name ending in Berg. But Jonah Hill?

Like Kanye West, I only recently started liking Jewish people myself. And when I try to pinpoint exactly when it happened, it was mid-bite of a slightly burnt parkside bagel with Philadelphia schmear. I don’t know man. I just thought to myself: Jews created bagels and the parkside bagel is a pretty bad bagel but it’s still pretty great, so maybe I should stop

5. Ignore everything your oncologist dad told you

4. Stand on Mudd Field and spit into a tube

3. Elegantly show your upper thigh

2. Double fist your JUUL

1. Fist your JUUL

Chappel as Graham Shul. And in protest of Easter, I actually hand delivered several bunnies to Socke. In conclusion, if you’re going to stop hating an entire population, don’t stop because of Jonah Hill. Stop because of the Parkside Bagel.

"If your club ever mixed with WUnderground and your smoke alarm went missing... no it didn't."

"Can

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

Seniors, you're graduating! WDYT?

"Amy hating Jewish people. Suddenly, I felt the need to hug every single person who had ever felt the need to explain Westchester geography to me. I now refer to Graham WEYOU!LOVE patron of the arts

"Wait,

שָׁלוֹם עֲלֵיכֶם

SAMMIE taken

"If I had the time to learn every language in the world I would, so I could tell you in every language how sorry I am that I can't come to Hooters."

GEORGE WASHINGTON rising supersenior

"Don't worry babygirl, I'm not going anywhere"