NO IN THIS ISSUE: CON-TENT • BETROTHED LIZARDS • STOCK PHOTOS • FASHION, AND PERFORMANCE TO BOOT TW OO -U ND ER GR OU ND
WUnderground 1ST, 2022 DECEMBER XTH,
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Kanye West let into AEPi party, knew every Jewish brother Page 4
In light of expected affirmative action court decision, WashU to increase representation from every chester Page 314
Pre-med English major writes thesis: "The old man and the c-section" Page Metamorphosis
Catholic church to introduce "Body of Christ Scoops"
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VOL 19, ISSUE 2
A Tent-ative Solution There was once a giant tent in the middle of Mudd Field. Only real ones remember. Then the COVID-testing tent was vanquished and the power to test for COVID was returned to the people, who immediately commenced gleefully swabbing their noses in the middle of Stanley’s. However, those of us who hoped that this would vanquish the evil have been disappointed and frankly terrified as other tents have begun popping up across campus like mushrooms after the rain, or mushrooms in your roommate’s drawer after she started trying to make a KWUR guy think she was cool. Senior Classics major Nick Anderson identified the problem immediately. “There can only be one possible answer. The COVID-testing tent was a Hydra (Greek: Λερναία Ύδρα), a serpentine water monster that regrows two heads after one was cut off.” WUnderground independently confirmed this theory after getting our moms to FedEx us our copies of Percy Jackson. Panic began to spread across campus as visibly frazzled university higher-ups began running around, hacking at the tents with swords. Their ef-
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forts were in vain. For each tent defeated, more would crop up in its place. WashU donors left homeless by record inflation even started seeking shelter in their plasticy white depths. This is Joe Biden’s America. “It used to be that the only tent I had to dodge was the one in my roommate’s sheets in the morning as I left our Umrath double. I swear that thing draws my eyes like a car crash. Anyway, now there are tents wherever I go. One appeared in front of me the other day, and then when I turned around another had ap-
peared and I was trapped. I had to miss 131 studio,” confessed freshman Jonah Hickson. WUnderground’s editorial board wishes to express our sincere hope that WashU fixes this problem, and to remind our readers that according to our sources (Disney's Hercules (1997)), the solution is fire. WashU administration seems to have realized this, but has accidentally served donors shrimp cocktails rather than molotov.
WUPD Abandons “Confused” DrugSniffing Dogs WUPD’s new drug-sniffing dogs had barely been on campus for a week when they were pulled from duty, with WUPD citing “inaccuracy” as the main factor in their removal. To the officers’ disbelief, the dogs instantly tried to go to frat row. At first the police laughed it off and attempted to pull the dogs away, thinking they were distracted by the joyful, boyish laughter and camaraderie emanating from inside the fraternity walls. But the dogs persisted, dragging the police to the door and beginning to bark. Page 777
Hangman found dead— cause of death: ANAPHYLA_IS Page X
Rob Wild responds to President Goodman: "She broke, I'm up" Page number
“Well, that was when I dug in my heels,” the WUPD officer told me. “I was not going to intrude on those innocent, wholesome boys.”
His partner agreed: “That’s when I knew we had to get rid of these defunct dogs. Honestly, if it was up to me, I’d send them to the pound. Accusing our red-blooded, patriotic fraternity brothers of such horrible offenses…” At this point in the conversation, the officer grew tearful, and we had to take a short break. The next day, the dogs again headed straight for Sigma Epsilon, where a “non-disruptive, pleasant gathering” was held the previous night; the dogs went wild on the frat’s doorstep. They spoke to a brother who answered the door. “He was lovely, handsome, and charming, with captivating eyes and a voice like smooth chocolate,” The cops reported. “He’d even given blood the night before– you could see the puncture wounds on his arm. Just an all-around good person.” “It’s frustrating. There are so many problems on this campus, and the tools we’re being given to solve them are pointing us in the wrong direction. I don’t want to get political, but in my opinion, this is the fault of the cultural marxists.” The officer did not elaborate. The dogs are trained to detect a spectrum of drugs, including marijuana, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, LSD, and methamphetamines. I asked if they could smell date rape drugs such as rohypnol. “Oh, no, thank god. Don’t put that in the article,” one officer said.