M AK DON'T TOUCH YOUR FACE. GODDAMMIT YOU JUST TOUCHED YOUR FACEFODIDN'T YOU. R IN DI Y E T G TH SA A E PP N O H I O I T H ST N T E OR IN R E Y G X T BO RE R O AS EM KS ON EL ! Y
WUnderground MAY 19, 2020
VOLUME 16, ISSUE 9
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Deprived of Fresh Copies of StudLife, WashU Population Reluctantly Hoards Actual Toilet Paper Page N95
Tumbleweed Stock up 300% Page 1 million and counting
Remarkably Horny Fauci Declares Strip Clubs Are Essential Businesses
PRICE: Two Squares of your Finest Charmin’
Commencement Postponed Until Afterlife ST. LOUIS—In a recent address to the Class of 2020, Chancellor Martin somberly announced that Washington University has made the difficult decision to postpone commencement until the afterlife. “It is with a heavy heart that I share with you that due to the COVID-19 pandemic, a graduation ceremony will not be held until we have all shed this mortal coil,” shared Chancellor Martin in an official video. “Your class will be making the History books for yet another extremely disappointing reason: celebrating your graduation when you’re dead in the cold, cold ground.” Chancellor Martin wisely
reminded the Class of 2020 that they would still technically graduate in May with many distinctions and accomplishments of which they should be very proud; it is simply the culmination of all their hard work that has been rescheduled to the end of their lifespans. “At the end of the day, Commencement is all pomp and circumstance,” the Chancellor remarked in an attempt to placate students. “It is only the adulation of your peers and the ever-fleeting love of your father that we have put off indefinitely.” “The health and safety of our community remains our top priority,” explained the Chancellor, bearing an expression we
can only describe as diplomatic pity. “Please be patient, and know that we have a fantastic celebration planned for you in the depths of the Judeo-Chirstian conception of the afterlife, where you can party with your loved ones and the eternally blessed/damned.” As a final note of reassurance, the Chancellor reminded his audience that every graduating class before and after 2020 has and will have a proper commencement while alive and sentient. “You are all just in the absolute worst, most heartbreaking, categorically terrible graduating class of all time. And that’s what makes you heroes.”
Page Dr. Fauci
Radical Centrist Proposes Giant Group Hug to Raise Morale Page 1 month
Quarantined AEPi Brother About to Roofie His Cat Out of Sheer Boredom Page 6 months tops
CDC Officials Tell Americans to Panic, Absolutely Panic
Ursa’s Nite Life to Shut its Doors for the First Time Since World War 2
Page 1.5 years
SportsCenter Just Airing Footage of Your Roommate Who Goes On Walks Page This is life now
WASHINGTON D.C. — At an unplanned press conference on Friday, CDC Director Robert Redfield informed Americans that right now the most constructive thing to do in response to the Coronavirus is panic, absolutely panic. Sweating and panting uncontrollaby, the visibly frightened CDC Director told Americans to just “freak the fuck out” and “let terror overcome you.” He appeared to be wearing a DIY mask hastily crafted out of his own underwear and Bloomberg campaign literature. “You will probably die, regardless of whether you follow our instructions,” he added, hyperventilat-
ing. “Just go fucking apeshit, man. Kill your neighbors, eat their dog.” The esteemed virologist, who was at this point visibly shaking, went on to encourage tribalistic tactics as a last-ditch effort to save a precious few lives. “Fuck it — just hoard everything you can get your hands on,” he then spurted out between rounds of anxious vomiting, “toilet paper, hand sanitizer, plastic straws, fertilizer, potatoes, peas? — yeah, whatever, peas too.” Redfield spoke directly to the nation’s healthcare workers, as well. Citing the national shortage of ventilators, face masks, and other essential protective equipment, the exhausted CDC Director recommended that all healthcare workers “just fucking flee the country. Go to sea for 18 months if you can. For your own sake, abandon anyone who could possibly infect you.” “New York, St. Louis, Minneapolis, no one is safe,” he concluded, spiraling into despair, “Everyone just bum rush the Canadian border on Easter if this gets any worse.” At press time, Redfield could be seen sprinting full-force down the empty highway, repeatedly shouting “There is no God and we are his prophets!”