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WUnderground NOVEMBER 1, 2019
VOLUME 16, ISSUE 3
BURIED WUNDERGROUND WUnderground Cosmo: How to Seduce Your Overworked, Depressed Graduate TA in 5 Easy Steps! Page Friday the 13th
Sack not being Hackeyed, Wilderness Project in Shambles Page 10/31
Elizabeth Warren Takes DNA Test, Finds Out She’s Between 1/64 and 1/128 “That Bitch” Page 7 Deadly Sins
It’s Cold Out! Here’s Why
PRICE: 1 Monster Mash and/or Graveyard Smash
WashU Criticized for Gentrification of Culturally Vibrant Hole THE HOLE–
WashU has recently come under fire for gentrifying the “East End,” a culturally vibrant hole with a storied history of being big. Many residents of the hole have been priced out of the neighborhood and forced to relocate. Critics are castigating WashU for displacing hundreds of dirt particles, part-time construction workers, and big trucks that go “ERR-ERRRRRR EEEEEEE” in the morning. In their place, WashU has erected the Craig and Nancy Schnucks Pavilion, a cafeteria which serves upscale foods like an avocado salmon burger and a kale sandwich or some shit, and the Gary M. Sumers Welcome Center, where prospective students can observe beautiful architecture through plate glass windows and cower before the magnificence of the Brookings Quadrangle. WashU has also announced plans to introduce an Amazon Bookstore, three boutique donut shops, and an artisanal soap dispensary.
“We’ve been priced out of the neighborhood,” remarked a sentient bulldozer, “this place just isn’t the same hole where I raised my children. That hole had class. That hole had culture.” “There’s enough paved pathway on this campus already. Can’t they make room for just ONE desolate construction site?,” Mr. Bulldozer added. “It’s an absolute disgrace,” said Michael Ellis, a woke campus activist who totally buys SchPav’s cold brews. “I am so very angry.”
In response to such criticism, Chancellor Martin has announced plans to buy Fontbonne and demolish it with 100 tons of TNT, thereby creating a new and improved hole, even more desolate than its predecessor. Still, some less privileged members of the WashU community are voicing concern that gentrification will not stop with the East End. Yesterday, the hair creature in the Beaumont shower drain voiced concern that “the yuppies are coming for his home next.”
Page Ate (Brains)
PoliSci Prodigy Can Recite Every John Oliver Opinion Verbatim Page 2-headed Monster
Aw! WUPD Officers Dress Up as Police for Halloween Page 9 Lives
Old, Enfeebled Chancellor Wrighton Slowly Walked Behind Barn by Teary-eyed Holden Thorp
Page October 31rd
Art Show is Happening! ST. LOUIS, MO –
Last month, the WashU community and surrounding area celebrated the long- anticipated opening of an Art Show at the Art Museum. The exhibition, which opened to the public on September 27th, features a variety of art including Big Art, Small Art, Art That is Also a Video, and also lots of other kinds of art too. Some of the art has paint on it, but some doesn’t. The exhibition also showcases plaques with words on them. “I’ve been looking forward to this exhibition for months,” said Tyler Korin, a Sophomore in WashU’s architecture program. “This art is especially
exciting because it was done by a famous artist, which means it is better art than if it were done by a not famous artist. I think it is good art,” he added, gesturing grandly at some art. Clara Koster, a Junior studying Anthropology, echoed Korin’s statement. “There is good art here,” she told reporters at press time. Pointing at a big old piece of art, she added, “I particularly like this art. This is especially good art, which is why I like it.” Leila Kiely, a graduate student working closely with the Art Museum, confirmed that the piece in question is, as Koster alleged, good art. “Sometimes it’s difficult to tell whether art is good or
bad,” explained Kiely, whose research focuses primarily on Famous Old Art by White Guys. “Sometimes you think art is good when actually it’s bad, and vice versa. But I have a PhD, so I can tell which art is good and which art is bad. You can typically discern whether art is good or bad by how it looks and the way it is. This art looks good and is good, so it is good art.” When asked about the art show, Kiely responded with enthusiasm. “Yes, this is most certainly an art show,” she agreed. “There’s lots of art here, and furthermore it’s in the Art Museum. It’s good that an artist did this art! This is such an art show!” At press time, representatives confirmed that there is an art show with art in it and, furthermore, that they plan to have another in the future. “We’re delighted to show people our art so that they can look at it,” announced Sasha Tolliver, Director of Outreach at the art museum, “and we look forward to having more art for people to also look at in the future.”