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WUnderground
AUGUST 30, 2019
VOLUME 16, ISSUE 1
BURIED WUNDERGROUND Under Cover of Dopeness: Why The Strokes are the Next Rolling Stones According to Me, that Cis Guy in KWUR Page 3.14159
Polling Numbers Indicate Voters Unilaterally Reject Hopeful Optimism Page
Unacceptable: TKE Pledges Keep Trying to ((Assert their Humanity)) Fuck the House Roomba Vacuum Page Find it yourself, loser
New Study Finds Correlation between Correlation, Causation page 69 ;))))
How To Enjoy Welcome Week Well Into Your 30s Page 2023
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Struggling Democratic Candidates Merge into One Megazord Candidate, Still Polling at <1% In an attempt to qualify for the third democratic debate, set to air on September 12th on ABC, ten struggling democratic candidates have combined forces by merging into one supercandidate, an amorphous blob reportedly weighing 1,500 pounds. The super-candidate, which formerly inhabited the individual bodies of Kirsten Gillibrand, Tom Steyer, Steve Bullock, Marianne Williamson, Michael Bennet, Bill de Blasio, John Delaney, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, and Joe Sestak, will heretofore be
known as Kirstockianne de Baloney-stak. “EEEEEKKZZKKGGG,” said Baloney-stak, formally announcing its rejuvenated candidacy in front of a cowering crowd of dozens. Baloney-stak has the strength of 10 men, the speed of 6 men, and the ability to shoot laser beams from its eyes. Some critics have called Baloney-stak a freak of nature, a Frankenstein’s monster, and a repudiation of all that is good and holy in the world. “OH GOD, MY EYES!!!”
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Populism 2019: Andrew Yang Promises to Give Every American 4 Minutes of Speaking Time at September Debate
15 Activities Fair Clubs That Will Never Leave Your Inbox
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remarked Mayor Pete Buttigieg, when approached for comment. Supporters, meanwhile, have lauded the gruesome metamorphosis as a welcome display of compromise in an increasingly divided country. Baloneystak simultaneously supports universal healthcare and thinks it is bogus, a position which is projected to earn voter support in Rust Belt states like Michigan and Pennsylvania. In addition, since Baloney-stak is from New York, Colorado, Montana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Ohio, Pennsylvania, California, and Texas all at the same time, in addition to being both male and female, supporters argue that it can appeal to voters of all demographics — except for nonwhite voters, of course. Editor’s Note: As of Wednesday, August 28th, Kirstockianne de Baloneystak was still polling at <1%, and has thus been disqualified from attending the third democratic debate.
St. Louis MLS Team Somehow Relegated to DIII Heartbreak has already befallen St. Louis’s newlyawarded Major League Soccer team before their first season has even begun. The team, which has yet to be named, has somehow already been relegated to Division III of the NCAA. The announcement has raised concerns and confusion, considering the MLS operates outside of the collegiate sports system. “This is a bit of a rocky start us,” admitted Enterprise owner Carolyn Kindle Betz, who helped broker the deal. “We were especially taken aback because the MLS doesn’t use a system of promotion and relegation, but I guess we have a lot to learn about the beautiful game.” Despite the daunting news, the team’s social media output has shown nothing
but optimism, encouraging new fans to attend a “tailgate,” although it is unclear what this entails. The young team has even begun a merch rollout, selling branded gun holsters, actual participation trophies, and “Let’s Go Blues!” shirts. St. Louis will play their debut home game
against Trinity College at historic Tower Grove Park, with a capacity of up to 850 fans. MLS President Don Gaber confided in WUnderground Staff that they were already in talks with the franchise to relocate to Los Angeles.
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