Issue 15.7

IN THIS ISSUE: CONTRADICTORY OP-EDS SIZE MATTERS! THE FOURTH JONAS BROTHER

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WUnderground MARCH 11TH, 2019

Kony Announces #Kony2020 Campaign After Tragic Loss in 2012 pg. ThreeOdore Roosevelt

SAE Inclusivity Up: Brothers Now Practice Gender-Blind Groping pg. Gerald FourD

Wrighton Cake! First Time Wrighton’s Wife Eats His Face in Years!

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PRICE: 2 VIP TIX 4 DJ PAULY D

VOL 15, ISSUE 7

BURIED WUNDERGROUND

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Totally Cucked: St. Louis Now Has World’s Second Biggest Arch ST. LOUIS, MO–

This is a triumphant day: the U.S.A.’s “greatest” city, St. Louis, is now only home to the world’s second biggest arch. Because now those weak American jetskiers can behold: Pyongyang, home to the world’s most titanic arch. As all the world can plainly see in the picture above, taken by the Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un himself, the Pyongyang Municipal Arch of Glory towers above the impotent American competition.

Compare these specifications to the Puny St. Louis counterpart. The St. Louis Arch was designed by Eero Saarinen, a Limp Segregationist. Need we say more? We will. The St. Louis Arch stands 630 ft. tall. As Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un himself said yesterday: “Those Who Are 630 Feet Tall Are Not Healthy.” And the St. Louis arch is not yellow because it cannot get Up high enough to endanger Any aircraft.

How can the Revisionist Western Media hope to respond Designed by world-famous to this?

Their Shame cannot architect Ronald, who has chobe anything other than insursen Pyongyang as the new headmountable.

As the Supreme quarters for his powerful global Leader Kim Jong-un himself firm, the Pyongyang Municipal said two days before yesterday: Arch of Glory is a conqueringly “Haha!

I win, losers!”

‘Powerful’ innovative structure. Not only western news anchor Anderson does the Pyongyang Municipal Cooper, who does not even have Arch of Glory complete a gracea wife, was quoted saying that ful arching motion, but also he does not remember the last rises again as its right side juts time he was in St. Louis.

Amerifertiley into the sky. Its bright yellow hue warns nearby aircraft can news network C-SPAN is so disheartened at this defeat that of its Big height.

they have not shown the St. Louis Arch yet today. But we know the Fake Lies will come soon enough.

Today there will be many celebrations under the firm shadow of the Pyongyang Municipal Arch of Glory. The Fat People will eat the finest Meat. Because today, the West has been Totally Cucked.

St. Louis’s once-grand sculpture is dwarfed by Pyongyang’s peni-I mean, arch.

pg. Richard SixOn

Robert Kraft Hospitalized After Especially Hard Slap on Wrist

Group Loses Friend Marty Graw at Worst Possible Time

pg. Bill ClinTen

SOULARD, MO–

On Saturday, March 2, a group of WashU students were left frazzled after the Bud Light Grand Parade when their friend Marty Graw, junior, disappeared into the massive crowd, allegedly to buy some cold ones for the boys.

What the Mainstream Media Doesn’t Want You to Know: 7 Delicious Pasta Primavera Recipes That Will WOW Your Family

pg. Abraham LincOne

Mr. Peanut’s Monocle is a Conspiracy, He Actually Has 20-20 Vision pg. TwoLysses S Grant

Junior Marty Graw was last spotted wearing some bland-ass frat guy outfit. We’re actually not sure if this is him, but it’s close enough.

him always disappearing on Saturdays. Doesn’t he know they’re for the boys?”

Officer Jim Michaelson of the St. Louis Metropolitan Police Department spent the weekend searching the streets of Soulard with his K-9 Rufus, who was trained to look for Graw’s signature scent combination of Natty Light, week-old boxers, and weed.

“At first I thought he was just showing people one of his magic acts,” said Kyle Richards, Graw’s suitemate. “Marty reallyyyy wants to be a birthday party magician. He’s been working on his vanishing act for weeks, but each time he just blows out a ton of smoke from his juul and tries to sprint away before it clears. It never worked before, so I was impressed for a hot sec.”

“I hope they find him soon,” sighed Kaitlyn Fisher, freshman and Graw’s girlfriend. “He was supposed to go on a pods run for me today. I’m completely out.

Wait, I think the fucker has my juul too. God damn it!”

“Yeah, it’s obscene. I kept yelling at people to ask if they had seen him, but they would just scream and cheer ‘MAARDIIII GRAAAAASSSS’ in my face,” said Frank Hamilton, Graw’s Kappa Sig brother. “Literally, of all days for the kid to go missing.

Fucking typical. I’m fed up with

If you see a tall, lanky white boy absentmindedly wandering the streets of Soulard in boat shoes (despite never stepping off shore ever), douchey Ray Bans, and Vineyard Vines apparel, please call 1-800-MG-U-SUCK to help his friends bring him home.

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MARCH 11TH, 2019

VOL 15, ISSUE 7

Phi Delta Theta Literary Society’s Spring Break Reading List

WUNDERGROUND

Craving a good read this spring break? Wash U’s premier literary society has you covered! Check out these these killer page-turners!

1. “Miranda rights!”

-Miranda Cosgrove Ever since brother Chad Bradson got locked up, this has been required reading for every member of the society.

2. Becoming

by Michelle Obama Phi Delta brother, Brad Chadson admits, “I found this on my mom’s nightstand without a book jacket; thought it was 50 Shades, but I finished it anyway.”

3. The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien.

A true story of brotherhood, bravery, and patriotism. Tim O’Brien’s seminal work manifests the society’s fundamental values: life, liberty, and the second amendment.

4. The Alphabet More complicated than you’d think. There are 26 of them.

A brother of Phi Delta Theta enjoys a relaxing, masculine, testosteronefueled bath while enjoying his favorite tome with his collection of rifle-toting rubber duckies (not pictured).

5.Michael Bay Movie Scripts

by Michael Bay’s Team of Ghostwriters (All male, equally problematic) Yes, not being able to see Megan Fox’s sweaty, oily, filthy hot face makes this a substantial downgrade from the movies, but just use your imagination.

6. AR-15 Manual Whether you’re trying to hone your skills at the shooting range (school, church, or otherwise), or flex on your Snapchat story, an AR-15 is an excellent investment. If you’re looking to take your assault weapon game to the next level, this handy manual is a mustread.

Michael Cohen Fucking Owned that Goy He may be going to jail for bank fraud and bypassing campaign laws, but Trump’s ex-personal attorney should be locked up for arson. On February 27, Michael Cohen completely incinerated Representative Mark Meadows (R-N.C.).

Rep. Meadows, an outspoken supporter of President Trump’s policies, took a swing at Cohen’s claim that “President” Trump is “a racist” on Wednesday. Meadows, having been raised in North Carolina, never learned how to read the letter ‘c’, so he could not address Cohen’s accusations that Trump is both a “con man” and a “cheat”. Yet, as a man who does his best to repeat any harebrained statement Trump tweets out like a racist version of the game “Telephone”, he could not let this slander stand unchallenged. Meadows took a swing at Cohen’s claim that Trump os “a raist [sic]” by demanding to know how Trump could tolerate Lynne Patton, an African-American woman, in his administration without bursting into flames.

When Patton opened her mouth to speak, Meadows interrupted, “She says that as a daughter of a man born in Birmingham, Alabama, that there

WUnderground is WashU’s premier (only) satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the round-earthers.

The news reported by this paper is fictitious. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

OVERLORDS Carter Paterson WUnderdad <3 Maddie Lee Editor-in-Chief Rohit Kumar Editor-in-Keef

SPECIAL OPS Mikki Janower Supreme Layout Sorceress Max Lichtenstein An Absolute Dreamboat Henry Weinburgh Foreign Correspondent Alpha Ike Butler Foreign Correspondent Beta

STAFF Dana Citrin1 Jess King Zoe Cooke Adam Kaufman Rahul Oza Max Woods Arjun Puri Jack Killeen Zoe Cooke Alex Levy

UNPAID INTERNS Carlie Darefsky Kirsten Holland Nicholas LaMorte Samson Seley Lila Puziss Hannah Anderson Jon Niewjik Dan Rivera Collin Wettach Katie Liguori

Rep. Mark Meadows toasts like a goddamn marshmallow during Cohen’s testimony in front of a sign underscored by tragic irony.

was no way she should work for an individual who is raist [sic] — how do you put the two of those-” Suddenly, the House was ablaze in a hellscape of moral rectitude.

Fire licked up and down the aisles.

Michael Cohen’s voice boomed out: “As neither should I, as the son of a Holocaust survivor.”

Rep. Meadows, in a seizure-like fit, collapsed.

Throughout the House, in an outburst of emotion that seemed to wash over listeners like a wave of righteousness, gentiles began to cry. Elderly, white supremacists convulsed in system overload.

Later, Jim Sensenbrenner (R-W.I.) recalled that he felt “...overtaken by the need to point out that that’s not racism because Jews are white but simultaneously driven by the self-serving instinct to wait until Trump’s second term to admit [he] was a full-on Nazi.”

Cohen’s sick burn of Rep. Meadows rings especially true in the shadow of Trump’s visible nonresponse to the harrowing events of Charlottesville in 2017. After he successfully blew the whistle on the President, a historic moment was realized: on this day, a meschugener got officially fucking wrecked.

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MARCH 11TH, 2019

VOL 15, ISSUE 7

WUnderground's Offical Guide to Spring Break 2019 Stuck in St. Louis because your parents wouldn't pay for a week-long getaway to Cabo? No worries! Neither would ours! Here are some of our favorite last minute spring break plans:

1. Your Dad’s Yacht He told you that you can use it as long as you stay off pills, and as far as he’s aware, you’re holding up your end of the deal.

2. Your AEPi friend’s dad’s yacht Wait, shit, your dad’s yacht is still out of commission since you crashed it over fall break. You could reach out to David and ask about his dad’s yacht, though - it might only be a 39-footer, but you can still try and have a good time.

3. St. Louis MetroLink The part about this scenic trip that excites me the most is the sheer amount of choices available. Whether you take the Blue Line to Shrewsbury or the Red Line to Lambert Airport Terminal 1, the possibilities are endless and equally undesirable!

4. Walmart Maplewood Supercenter If you’re looking for something a little closer to school, then this destination is perfect. They’ve got everything - a liquor aisle, patio furniture, and motorized shopping carts. Pull up a lawn chair and sun yourself beneath the flourescent lighting!

The Walmart Maplewood Supercenter is a great place for a cheap, all-inclusive getaway! Additionally, if you wear a blue vest during your stay, they’ll start paying you to be there.

5. The Arch Naysayers may confront you with doubts such as “the Arch is more of a day trip” or “where are you going to sleep?”, but pay them no mind. This majestic icon is an ideal spot for your next spring break; whether it’s going up in one of those little elevators, coming down in one of those little elevators, or waiting in line for tickets, there’s plenty of thrilling activities to keep you entertained.

OPINIONS Point: Please support our GoFundMe for KWUR week!

6. The Farthest Possible Point on Earth From Your Parents You go to WashU for a reason, and that reason is that your parents will never step foot in the Show-Me State. We both know your old man is gonna be kicking it pretty close to home this holiday season, so make sure to enjoy scenic Yugoslavia, Tazmania, or the Arctic Tundra as you maintain a onephone-call-every-two-weeks relationship with your mom.

7. Uncle Ed’s Timeshare in Wisconsin Sure it hasn’t been renovated since 1978 and sure the neighbors look suspiciously inbred, but hey, who can complain about a week where cheese hats were invented? Ice fishing is a thing people do, I guess, at least according to Ed’s weird step son who smells like an Italian beef sub. Use this time to really get rid of the WashU grime in place of a little mud, sweat, and cheap beer!

By: Your ~edgy~ suitemate Has a pink walkman.

"It’s a historic tradition that allows us to provide good music to the WashU community for once in their miserable lives."

Counterpoint: If I wanted to listen to the Juno Soundtrack on repeat, I’d just open my spotify.

8. A 15 Hour Layover in Chicago Your parents promised that pesky ice storm wouldn’t get in the way of your time somewhere below the equator at a tourist resort that radiates an unsettling colonial energy. But here we are, and you’ve got plenty of time to kill.

Check out the beautiful shades of grey that comprise the Chicago skyline, as well as a McDonald’s that absolutely just gave you e coli and the endless bathrooms where you can juul away this hellscape.

By: Melissa Levine, SU Finance: Can't hear us over her airpods.

"Sorry! I can't see your appeal over the $945,000 in SU reserves!"

Goddammit: The Wilderness Project Kids Already Set Up a Hammock on New Sculpture CLAYTON, MO–

Oh, for fuck’s sake. The overpass sculpture hasn’t even been up that long and the Wilderness Project kids are already hammocking off it. There’s three people with pineapple t-shirts sharing their WOOFing experiences while they swing on an art piece nowhere near Mudd Field. Wait - what’s that sound? Oh, come on; one guy brought one of those Wes Anderson record players and now they’re all “vibing” to Lord Huron while he free climbs the sculpture. Yep, you bet your ass he brought hand chalk.

Just when it looked like they would take a hint, one girl starts setting up a slackline between the sculpture poles. She even brought protective clamps to practice “leave no trace.” Lady, you shouldn’t have slung up your goddamn Eno off a $30,000 patio piece, get the fuck outta here.

How much more stranger will these thingers get? Head on over to Netflix for the facts!

MARCH 11TH, 2019

VOL 15, ISSUE 7

Op-Ed: My Thoughts on The Matter

TOP 10...

CLAYTON, MO–

Some of y’all are about to be real mad at me, but it must be said. Look, regardless of your stance on the current state of affairs, we can all agree that things are starting to get out of hand. What happened to some good old nuance? Yes, some may disagree with what I’m saying, and that’s completely fair – I don’t mean to erase anyone’s experience or invalidate their thoughts – but all I’m saying is that we all need to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.

I’ve got a lot of thoughts, and they’re all in this article.

This isn’t easy for me to say, but it needs to be said: something needs to be said.

The silence has gone on for far too long. I’m disappointed and frankly ashamed with the lack of voice on this issue, but through open discourse and

constructive discussion, we can really tackle the matters at hand. All we need to do is come together as a community and have our opinions and share them. Does it make sense where I’m coming from when I put it like that?

Look, I’m not trying to say anyone is wrong here, but I really do think this is the right way to do things. I’m firmly in support of what I’m saying, and hopefully you are too, but if you’re not I fully understand – there needs to be nuance and room for concession. That being said, it’s still really important to me that you hear what I’m saying and recognize why it’s so important to me.

The time is now. I’m shaking the table, rocking the boat.

Folks, it’s not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. A man once said, “Something needs

to be said.” That man was me.

Thank you so much for listening to me, and also, you’re welcome for my thoughts that I’ve been thinking.

Without an open dialogue on the matter, we can’t hope to have any progress, which is why it’s crucial to have unity in trying times like these, while understanding that it’s fine for there to be civil disagreement if that’s what it takes for recognition of the subtext and the fact that this isn’t such a black-andwhite issue.

Worst Genocides to Enter as a Straight White Male You've heard of white male privelage, but your WGSS class isn't telling the whole story.

Things aren't always easy at the top of the patriarchy. White heterosexual cis males, steer clear of these dangerous atrocities:

10.

The War on Christmas

9.

The Alamo

8.

This op-ed was also published in WashU’s satirical newspaper, StudLife.

7.

Rob Wild: A Modest Proposal for South 6.

40 Housing 5.

CLAYTON, MO–

In a speech given Thursday, Associate Vice Chancellor for Student Affairs Rob Wild announced a modest proposal regarding the future of housing on the South 40.

“As the administrator overseeing housing, I’ve received many complaints recently about the new policy changing all 6-person sophomore dorms to 4-person dorms. And I know some may find this decision hard to understand, especially since the student population has been consistently growing over recent years.”

“That’s why we’re proposing a new solution to our housing problem. This solution will compensate for the growing

student population combined with the reduction of available housing on the South 40.”

“We believe that cooking and eating students on financial aid will help us solve these issues, and will have a number of significant additional positive effects. For example, we’ve been receiving complaints about the issue of high food prices on campus.

Our proposal will solve this issue by providing a much less expensive food source to our kitcens. In addition, we will now be able to boost our acceptance of minority students and first-generation college students by accepting them to feed other students.”

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3.

Associate Vice Chancellor Rob Wild smirks at the thought of eating the less fortunate.

At press time, Wild was reportedly considering whether people who dropped Pre-Med would be a valid supplemental edible option.

The Bowling Green Massacre People finally getting sick of acapella Pompeii Rent Control The Stock Market Crash of 1929 When Eminem singlehandedly massacred his own musical career

2.

The Voting Rights Act

1.

Political Correctness

WHAT DO YOU THINK? Jonas Brothers are reunited. What do you think?

MILEY CYRUS

KEVIN’S LANDLORD

BIG TIME RUSH

XXXTENTACION

GEORGE WASHINGTON

Definitely not on drugs this time

Notoriously bad plumber

Noticeably past their prime

Deceased

Common egoist

“Finally this prick a** motherf***** will pay his rent on time”

“Uh uh uhhHhHh oh”

"This is kinda just to help with Nick’s insulin costs."

“Oh we doing revivals now?”

*squeals*