Happy holidays, ya filthy animals VOLUME 15, ISSUE 5
DEC 7, 2018
Op-Ed: Donkey Kong Only Wears a Tie. You Seeing This Shit?!! I mean, here he is, COMPLETELY nude, exposing himself to hapless players! Wake up, America!
This is Donkey Kong. You may know him from such titles as Super Smash Brothers, Hotel Mario, and Donkey Kong: Barrel Blast. However, you probably do not know him as “that monkey who only wears a necktie, and nothing else.” Yes, you heard that right. “DK” wears neither shoes, nor pants, nor underwear. He does not even have the decency to wear a collared shirt with his necktie, like any self-respecting gentleman. I have just one, simple question: you seeing this shit??? We know for a fact that other clothing exists in Donkey Kong’s universe, yet he still insists on equipping himself with only a necktie. Even Donkey Kong’s own nephew, Diddy, has the decency to wear a shirt and a hat.
Seriously, why is nobody else talking about this? Donkey Kong’s necktie covers absolutely none of his body surface. It swings in the breeze, this way and that, displaying his naked monkey physique for all the world to see. Does Donkey Kong simply refuse to wear more clothing? Is he trying to make a political statement of some sort? What does he wear on casual Fridays? For the sake of truth, honesty, and justice, we must keep asking these important questions. We must hold power accountable, even if it is scary monkey power. Sometimes you have to draw a line in the sand. AND ANOTHER THING: Where did Donkey Kong buy this necktie? What store only sells neckties, and nothing else? How has nobody fucking noticed this??? I will continue writing about Donkey Kong’s attire until I am old and grey, until I can no longer rise in the morning and lie down at night. Some things in this world are worth fighting for.
PRICE: 1 LIL' KISS
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Donkey Kong’s brazen debauchery is just another troubling development in this hedonistic era. When did morality die? Have we no decency? Join me, comrades! Join me in the battle for all that is good and right!
Missouri Proposition Draws Youth Voters at an All-Time High Clayton, MO– On November 6th 2018, Missouri’s youngest voters stormed the polls with record-breaking numbers. Among young voters, you may have heard the claim, “The 2018 midterm election will be the most important election of our lifetime,” but why? Our investigative reporters went out into the community to get to the bottom of this sudden and unparalleled urgency to cast a ballot. Political activist, member of WashU Votes, and five time St. Louis County debate champion Jerry Markowitz told us about his own experience canvassing this past year. “Getting out the vote is all about knowing your audience, and I can tell you one thing for certain: the kids come out for ‘kush.’ Knock on the doors of Umrath 4 and tell students they can exercise their constitutional rights for an eighth and you got the kids vaping their way to the polls.” The promise of legalized medical marijuana within the state of Missouri has been a hit with the youngest voter demographic. On November 6th, senior, member of Kappa Sigma and SoundCloud rapper, Jack Weinberg, aka Jack the Reef3r, informed us about his personal voting advocacy project. “I told my fans, for everyone who voted yes on the keef bill, I’d take a fat chop,” stated Weinberg while rolling what we perceived as an impressively “fat” blunt. It seems however, the surge in young interest surrounding the 2018 election reached beyond the Danforth Campus. To find out more, our reporters took to Clayton High School. After recovering one of our interns from inside a locker, being called “shitbags,” having our lunch stolen,
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"Democracy is a beautiful thing,'" commented Ryan Walsh, adjusting the Flaming Lips tee peeking out from under his drug rug. "I find it really important," he added, "that we do our civic duty and make our voices heard.'" When asked for a follow-up comment, Ryan declined, although he has continues to vouch for the US Judicial system from Instagram handle @flyR420.
and in one case being told “you can’t sit with us,” senior Robert McRobertson responded to our questions in exchange for doing his AP Calculus homework. He informed us, “When I found out there was kush on the ballot, I hit up my older brother’s homie at S&T for a Missouri fake.” With the Medical Marijuana propositions passed, Healthcare service reforms are underway within the university. Student Health Services informed our reporters that their South 40 location will be closed for renovation to include the University’s first dispensary. Student Health directors expect the project to be completed by April 2022—just in time for the graduation of the current freshman class.
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