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MARCH 30, 2018
PRICE: 42% MORE THAN IT WOULD HAVE COST OTHERWISE
Student Went Home For Spring Break Because He Wanted To, Definitely Not Because His Friends Ditched Him Freshman Chase Carter spent spring break at his parents’ house in Greenwich, Connecticut, despite allegedly receiving “multiple” invitations from “friends” to join them in exotic locales such as Cancun, Mexico, and Branson, Missouri. He claims that he wanted to relax and hang out with his friends from high school, whom he referred to as his “OG bro squad.” “Yeah, I have like, a bunch of friends who were asking me to go places with them,” said Carter, who followed WUnderground reporters around campus until they agreed to “interview” him. “I totally could have gone with them, but I just wanted a more low-key week, you know?” He stressed that, despite the fact that his parents had raised him lovingly for nine-
teen years, he avoided them while staying in his childhood home, explaining that hanging out with them would kill the “chill frat boy vibe” that he has been carefully cultivating since he began pledging SAE earlier this semester. Additionally, Carter wants to clarify that he smoked “a fuck ton of weed and shit”
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VOLUME 14, ISSUE 6
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with his friends and that he definitely didn’t just sit around in his room, playing League of Legends alone and masturbating to amateur pornography. However, viewers of his Snapchat stories were unable to substantiate this claim, as Carter was unusually silent on the social app for the duration of break.
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In a statement to the press, Shawn Carter denied his brother's alleged marijuana use, asserting that Chase's dealer "was in the Bahamas with friends" during the period in question.
Westworld Spinoff Midwestworld Receives Mixed Reviews ONLY ON
MIDWESTWORLD
Viewers and critics alike had long awaited the premiere of HBO’s Westworld spinoff. Last Tuesday, after nearly a year of speculation, HBO released the pilot to wildly varying reviews. “Midwestworld is boring, racist, and remarkably accurate,” observed Twitter user @ mattsimmons, who told reporters he grew up in a Michigan suburb, but moved to Boston “the first fucking chance I got.” “The CGI was so real that the scene with the strip mall Applebee’s actually triggered some childhood trauma and kept me up for several nights.” But not all viewers shared Simmons’ sentiment. Mary, a mother of six children and three dogs from Granville, OH, tweeted out praise for the show. “Finally A Show That Gets It !!This,, Is How Real Americans Live, ” she wrote, tweeting from the handle @marymotherofjeezus. Mary’s tweet has since gone Midwestviral, garnering more than ten favorites
and two retweets, and millions of similar reactions have been expressed across publications and social media platforms worldwide. “Believability is the linchpin behind HBO’s greatest hits,” observes James Poniewozik, television critic for The New York Times. “It seems the network has outdone itself with Midwestworld, which was largely filmed on location in Milwaukee, WI.” Adds Poniewozik, “Only viewers patient enough to endure the half-hour montage of cornfields out the window of a 2005 Chevrolet station wagon make it to the establishment of a narrative arc, which largely takes place in the bathroom of a truck stop White Castle. Steadfast attention to detail was maintained throughout.” Meanwhile, HBO has taken some heat from a Walgreens in Branson, MO, which has filed a lawsuit against the network over allegations of the use of stolen footage from a security camera installed on the premises. “The shot of kids shooting bb guns at strays, that was OUR dumpster they were sittin’ on,” said Walgreens manager Ray-Nathan Smith in a statement issued to the press. “That’s my sacred spot, that’s where I proposed to my wife the day her daddy gave us his blessing, and Further more [sic] thats [sic] our private, LEGALLY ORDAINED property and you can rest assured on the lord’s hunting pistol that I will send all nine of my sons and twelve dozen eggs to the house of anyone lookin’ to tussle about it.” HBO has yet to address the matter, but sources close to the network report that the show has been approved for a full season.
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