Old Man Winter Says Summer is Cancelled, You Motherfuckers.
VOLUME 10, ISSUE 8
APRIL 30, 2014
PRICE: An Ivory Tusk from an African Elephant
Traditional Dorms to Get Even More Traditional
Buried WUnderground “Sorority Column” Being Planned to Compliment “Fraternity Row”
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Student Who Ate Too Many Gushers Can’t Find a Hat that Looks Good on Him
A prototype of the layout for one of the new traditional singles.
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n a move that has shocked and excited students, Residential Life recently announced that this summer, the South Forty’s traditional dorms will be renovated to evoke an even more traditional ambiance. The traditional dorms are currently known for offering a more rustic living atmosphere than the modern dorms, and the regressive policy changes are presumed to help take the traditional feel to the next level. The changes range from eliminating electricity and potable water from the dorms, as well as banning women, minorities, and non-landed gentry from voting for College Council representatives. “I think the plans are kind of retro-cool, you know,” said Sandra Olinsky, Residential College Director. “The common rooms will feature oil lamps, which are energy efficient enough for us to take the Green Cup this year! And the shared bathrooms will be remodeled as
common outdoor latrines. Once a week, we will even offer sponge baths! It’s going to be great for the community to foster these young minds in a more creative environment where they won’t be distracted by so many modern luxuries, you know, like basic sanitation and the technological necessities of today’s world.” However, a few students are reacting negatively to certain potential side-effects of the plans, such as the random outbreaks of smallpox and polio to which the dorm residents will likely fall victim. Some campus officials have expressed concern regarding the risks of syphilis due to “floor-cest.” Additionally, the constant threat of the Austro-Hungarian Empire’s encroachment is expected to present an unnecessary source of political and existential stress for freshmen trying to adjust to college life. “I don’t think I need to be infected with smallpox to know what ‘traditional life’ is like,”
said nervous pre-frosh Johnny Bobbin as he furiously churned butter in preparation for the pledging process for the Freemason fraternity. “Half the reason I chose Wash U was for their relatively lenient alcohol policies, but I don’t know if I have the glassware to adhere to the traditional dorms’ openchalice policy. Plus I don’t think I like how mead tastes. I like Mike’s Hard Lemonade.” Although construction on the thatched roofs is already underway, it remains unclear how soon the dorms will be ready for students to move-in. Try-outs for intramural jousting will be held once the university can acquire enough pure-bred horses and lances. As of press time, students currently inhabiting traditional dorms were super-gluing themselves to their tempur pedic mattresses in protest against maintenance switching them out for hay mats covered in bed bugs and locusts.
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Studies Show Pin the Tail on the Horse Just as Fun page .2228
Report: Worldwide Head to Body Ratio Steady at One page 4^5
Gay Horse Uncomfortable Under Putin’s Reign
Report: “Student Body” Actually Refers to One Student’s Body A recent ethnographic study at Washington University has revealed that the colloquial expression “student body” does not refer to the university’s student population as a whole, but rather the torso, limbs, innards, etc. of sophomore student Grant Logan. It is unclear exactly why Logan, a Chemistry major from Anaheim, California, holds this title.
“I was shocked at first when I found out,” says WashU’s one and only student body. “I didn’t realize everyone had been talking about my body the whole time. I should have worked out more this year!” Before the report, the term “student body” was commonly thought to refer to all of the students, but the study reveals that this is in fact entirely incorrect, and also highly culturally
insensitive. Much of Washington University’s discourse related to the student body cites its geographic, ethnic, and religious diversity. Considering the report’s findings, Logan’s friends have expressed concern that Logan must be a truly lost, confused, and generally discombobulated individual. “I mean, shit, I never knew Continued on page 3
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Awkward Student Decides to be Charming Instead of Awkward page 47