Formerly Known as WUnderground VOLUME 10, ISSUE 7
APRIL 10, 2014
World Accidentally Misplaces Malaysia, Cannot Find It Anywhere
PRICE: A Scooby Snack
Buried WUnderground Studies Show Thurtene Funnel Cake Not Usable as Funnel
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Flight 370 General area that once included the nation known as Malaysia.
T
he grueling international search for Malaysian Airline Flight 370 has apparently garnered so much attention from the world that nobody can find Malaysia anymore. The Southeast Asian country, previously known to occupy 329,847 square kilometers of the earth’s surface, is completely lost and unaccounted for. A search and rescue team has been dispatched in an effort to locate evidence of Kuala Lumpur, Putrajaya, or even Mount Kinabalu, or any debris which might help piece together the peculiar events leading to the nation’s disappearance. “We are getting a lot of shit about this slip-up,” explained Ishak Teuku, the officer leading the search efforts. “People can’t seem to understand how we lost a country. They keep asking
these pestering questions, like, ‘What, did it just disappear off the GPS?’ or ‘Have you checked next to Thailand or Indonesia, where it used to be?‘ or ‘What about our loved ones?’ Frankly, as a professional, these sorts of questions offend me. Obviously, we have scoured the South China Sea, we have ransacked lost-and-founds across the globe, we have scrutinized Google Earth images… And at the end of the day, Malaysia is gone. It’s just not there.” Conspiracy theories attempting to explain what could have possibly happened to Malaysia have started to circulate. While some people have attributed the disappearance to consumption by ravenous squid living in the waters along Malaysia’s coast, others believe it probably has to do with Mila
Kunis and Ashton Kutcher’s impending nuptials and baby on the way. One online blog suggests the possibility that all of Malaysia is stuffed inside the cabin of Flight 370, while a popular post on Reddit explains that traditional Malaysian weavers must have finally replicated Harry’s invisibility cloak, under which the nation is currently seeking refuge. The number of searches for Malaysia are increasing without bound. Considering that ten percent of the population cannot even find their keys right now and also that only one in eighteen American eighth graders actually ever knew where Malaysia was in the first place, prospects for recovering the nation are bleak.
Earth Day 2014 Not Such a Big Deal on Mars
The annual celebration of Earth’s greatness is shaping up to not be such a big deal on Mars this year. Although Earthlings will likely celebrate the April 22nd holiday by planting trees, being outdoors, and reveling in the glory of the third planet from the Sun, Earth Day celebrations are expected to be fairly lackluster on our neighboring planet, Mars. Earth Day enthusiasts attribute the poor reception of the holiday on Mars to jealousy of our planet’s liquid water content and biodiversity, not to mention Earth’s intelligent and sexy life forms. Consequently, humans
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Graham Chapel Bells to be Replaced by Guy Who Screams What Time It Is
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Report: Linus Backwards is Sunil page .0001
Todd Talks Fail to Inspire Public
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looking for a good time on Earth taking place in highly popuDay are advised to stay within lated urban areas and biothe planet’s borders, with the diverse rainforests. rowdiest celebrations likely
Students Unanimously Replace WUnderground with Stud Life as Official Campus Source of Humor page XI