Issue 10.4

Forecast: Cloudy With a Chance of Santa!

VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4

DECEMBER 10, 2013

One Student at Wash U Totally Not Even Stressed Right Now

PRICE: Your Two Front Teeth

Buried WUnderground Penis Monologues a Giant Flop page X

New Woman and Gender Studies Building Keeps Name page 9

Snowden: NSA Reporting Course Evals to Your Professor

C

iting a particularly laid-back Thanksgiving break, Wash U Sophomore Becky Gillmore has stated that she is completely not stressed about her six upcoming finals and her research paper on the metaphysics of feminism, all due within the next week, by 9 PM EST, no later.

“I’ve seen a lot of stressed students around campus now that finals are here,” Gillmore stated. “For example, my roommate Kelly ripped out her last two clumps of hair last night over her physics problem set.

I’m totally chill, though. I’m not stressed at all,” Gillmore explained while biting her nails and sweating profusely.

During finals week last year, Gillmore reports being in a markedly less calm state of mind than she is now.

“Yeah, that’s true. I think last year was worse,” remarked Gill-

more’s roommate. “Last year, she talked to herself constantly in her sleep about like equations and formulas and hydrochloric acid…sometimes she wet the bed. It was a bad situation,” Gillmore concluded quickly, as she had to get back to studying and could not talk long.

This year, however, Gillmore reports that her only signs of stress are a couple of small stomach ulcers, which she says she has been able to keep under control thanks to a diet rich in pepto bismol and things she gets out of the Whispers vending machine, where she happens to be all of the time.

“Yeah, stressed? Me? Psh, fuck that,” Gillmore said. “You know what, my mom sent me a care package last week to help me stay calm, but I lit it on fire.

I don’t need a care package.

That’s how not stressed I am.”

Gillmore reports having so

much free time this finals period that she would really appreciate it if someone could help her find some new hobbies. In the past, Gillmore has enjoyed knitting, but is really in search of something new and exciting, maybe archery! Or studying! Wait, no, not studying.

Gilmore went on to explain just how relaxed she was in the midst of all the tension on campus. “I saw stressbusters the other day when I was going to the bathroom. Walked right by ‘em,” she said with a grin.

As of press time, Gillmore has two finals down, and is so not stressed about her last paper that she reports being certain that she will have some time to sleep tonight. Or if not tonight, then maybe tomorrow.

Or the next night. She has lots of caffeine pills just in case.

Wash U Bubble Enhanced to Defend Against Cameron Diaz and Her Troupe of Deadly Tomatoes WashU’s bubble, infamous for its impenetrability, opaqueness, and ignorant students, will be reinforced starting Tuesday as quickly as possible in response to rumors of an impending tomato attack led by the celebrity Cameron Diaz.

“Yeah, I hear she’s coming.

And she’s bringing lots of overripe tomatoes,” explained William Gothem, a tour guide who maintains a special appre-

ciation for WashU’s unmatched architecture and great campus food, and mostly the bubble that encases it all.

“Who knows what she’ll do with those tomatoes. Pretty strange weapon choice. I was a bit surprised to hear that… But anyway, maybe she’ll boil ‘em… and chuck them everywhere!

Or maybe just sautée them with peas and onions, and drizzle them on the sidewalks, like that

one delicious comfort station meal at Bear’s Den! Mmm, so good. See, we just have so much great stuff here. We can’t let a threat even as big and blonde as Cameron bring us down!”

With so much at stake, concerns over students’ safety have prompted the administration into action.

“Usually, the bubble acts to keep students in, and shelter Continued on page 3

page Z7

Citing Holiday Cheer, Students Offer Gourmet DUC Soup Samples Back to the Community

page 35

Student’s Fascinating Observation “This Semester Sure Went by Fast!” Spurs Philosophical Debate page C

New Study Shows You Have a Nice Ass page IV

VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4

DECEMBER, 10 2013

Area Man Who Never Saw ‘The Hunger Games’ Explains ‘Catching Fire’ to a Friend Admitting that he had neither seen nor read the first installment of “The Hunger Games” trilogy, area man Joshua Hudson nonetheless interpreted the film “Catching Fire” for his buddy, Sam Powers.

According to Powers, Hudson’s interpretation turned out to be totally useless and confusing, as well as mildly disturbing and a thorough waste of fifteen minutes.

“Well, it’s in the future,” Hudson began, “except people started hunting again with bows-andarrows for some reason. And everyone is always killing each other, or they’re getting killed by something like Star Wars Stormtroopers impersonators. The deaths happen all the time and you never expect them.”

Hudson continued to explain to his friend how in this modern post-apocalyptic world, people were pretty much the same, and wore normal clothes and hugged and made-out and stuff. Except if you put up three fingers, there is a good chance you will be publicly beaten and violently murdered.

“What the fuck?” Hudson’s friend Sam Powers asked. “So you put up three fingers, and then you get beaten to death? How is anyone supposed to see that coming? That’s not normal for a chick flick,” Powers wondered.

“Yeah, yeah, just hear me out,” Hudson continued to his friend, who he described as kind of dumb anyway, and to whom he always has to explain things in great, simplistic detail. “So then, in between the mass murders, they cut to this ‘Access

WUnderground is WashU’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as the Wash U football team’s playoff run. However, the news reported by this paper is completely fictitious, at least to our knowledge.

Any resemblance to persons living, ailing or dead is entirely intentional.

Chiefs of Staff Corie Miller President A “Catching Fire” character whom Hudson described as an “err, pageant mom with yellow teeth?”

Hollywood’-esque reality show where everyone seems super excited about the killings. But it’s totally chill! The host is always laughing and stuff. His teeth are so white...”

Despite his confident recap of the film, Hudson struggled to adequately describe the character of Haymitch Abernathy to his friend, unsure of whether Abernathy looked more like Owen Wilson or Kurt Cobain.

“Well, honestly, it was bugging me for like 15 minutes after I first saw him. When he turned left he definitely looked like Owen, but in dark lighting he was an obvious Cobain. I still can’t tell you for sure. But he’s an alcoholic. And the unsuspecting leader of a revolution to overthrow government leaders who wear too much hairspray. That I know.”

Despite Hudson’s specific recollections of the film, Powers was particularly confused by Hudson’s attempt to compare the “games” to something Powers could understand, justifying them as “a cross between Nickelodeon’s Guts, Legends of the Hidden Temple (without that talking rock), Wipeout, Avatar, and the Jungle Book. And Twilight. Without vampires--except, wait, there might have been vampires. But if there were, they were definitely minor characters.”

Sources close to Hudson indicate that he is super excited about the third installment of the film, since he feels like the trilogy hits home on a lot of themes relevant to real life. Hudson encourages anyone with questions about the film to come to him before checking out IMDB, as their synopsis seems to be a bit off.

Area Old Man Prepared to Die Some Time this Week

After living a full life, Harold Paulson, area old man, is officially prepared to die at some point next week.

“Well, you know, Gerry passed on last week,” Paulson recounted while liberally applying Vaseline to

WUnderground

his cracked elbows. “So I guess that means I’m out of a Tuesday night bridge partner... and a will to live.”

Paulson explained to reporters that he had a “gut feeling” that this week was the week that his life would finally come to an end.

“There was one time last February that I thought it was my time to go, but that ended up just being heartburn from eating an expired can of baked beans,” Paulson began, seemingly unaffected by his imminent demise, cataracts, and the musty smell emanating from his living room. “I thought those things lasted forever! Turns out I bought them at the local mart back in 1953, and they don’t age as well as I do, if you know what I’m saying!” Paulson finished with a wink, which was weighed down by his crusty eyelids.

Paulson showed WUnderground reporters around his house, pointing out the suit he would like to be buried in and the bed where he reckoned he would have a heart attack in his sleep sometime next week.

Paulson also recounted being alive for the great stock market crash, the births of ten grandchildren, and the time when racism was still socially acceptable. After recounting what life was like during Coolidge’s presidency, Paulson paused to wipe a layer of dust off his wrinkly face, and then keeled over peacefully.

Whitney Mann Editor in Chief

Staff Nate Blecher Sam Blumkin Thomas Cochran Callan Coghlan Jamie Gerber Anat Gross Clayton Klein J.P. Liebenson Alix Marson Andrew Miller Lauren Paley Brian Ross Rosie Shanley Kimball Slade Jordan Siff Mac Slone Ryan Thier Juliet Zirn

We are always recruiting new members. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, spellczech, or build gingerbread houses, email us at: wunderground@ su.wustl.edu, and join our facebook group.

ISSN # 1938-0089 wunderground.wustl.edu

VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4

DECEMBER 10, 2013

Wrong-Un is a puppet and a figurehead. Wrighton is a figure with a puppet head.

Wrighton works to suppress racially charged issues with the Mosaic Project.

Wrong-Un suppresses all issues with scare tactics, an armed militia, and total denial of human rights.

Wash U Bubble Enhanced to Report: Everyone in This Room Defend Continued Knows You Just Farted them from the harsh realities apparent on the streets of St. Louis.

But when we received word that a famous raging bitch is threatening to attack our beautiful university with dirty tomatoes, we must not take it lightly,” Chancellor Wrighton stoically remarked.

Although the idea of an attack seems undeniably impossible, Chancellor Wrighton and the administration affirm that you can never be too careful when it comes to the strength of the bubble.

“We haven’t seen a lot of movies from her lately. So it makes

sense that she’s been preparing for an attack,” explained film and media studies major, Derek Trench.

“If Cameron comes, we’ll definitely know,” says Pam Middleton.

“I haven’t seen a blonde here since 2010.”

Citing the fragility of an invisible bubble, students are renewing their efforts to stay precisely within the confines of Skinker, Forsyth, Forest Park Parkway, and Big Bend.

Any new information or unattended tomatoes should be immediately reported to the nearest authority figure.

Point

Reports from the room you are sitting in right now have just confirmed your biggest fear: everyone around you knows you just farted.

It’s understandable that you thought your guilt could be covered up by the dozens of people surrounding you who also could easily have been responsible for the fart, but you were wrong. Literally everyone can tell it was you.

Considering your proximity to notorious farter, Jimmy Evans, it is really unfortunate that you could not get away with the fart in this

circumstance.

You may have been fooled by the complete silence of your fart, but it actually spread across a 3 meter radius around your location.

Everyone can tell it was you. That one guy, who just turned around and glared at you-- it’s because your fart just reached him. Avoid eye contact with said guy; look away.

At this point, it is probably in your best interests to leave the room now. Honestly, as quickly as possible. People are really disgusted and annoyed with you. Get out while you can. Godspeed.

Counter-Point

“Evidence Suggests Shakespeare May Have Been Gay.”

“Your Mom is Gay.”

by Theodore von Hamburgué, Ph.D. in Shakespearean Studies

by William Shakespeare, widely regarded as the greatest writer in the English language

A growing collection of 17th century the subject of homosexuality. In his English literature historians are starting play, Troilus and Cressida, Shakespeare to suspect that the great William Shake- strongly condemns the gay relationships speare may have been a homosexual. of the hero Achilles. Here one might Clues in many of his works suggest he invoke one of the Bard’s famous lines: may have been writing romantically “the lady doth protest too much, methinks.” to other men. For example, Sonnet 126 Was this lashing out a sign of repressed begins “O thou, my lovely boy,” clearly homosexual attraction? Scholars may addressed to a young man. Additionally, never know the truth, but the available Shakespeare forbade women from partic- evidence seems to strongly suggest the ipating in his plays, and cross-dressed to legendary dramatist was in fact a lover of men. play the female parts himself.

Another curious detail is Shakespeare’s only surviving work regarding

Dost thee not see thine mother is a gay?

Her quim aquiver at the sight of girls, She doth fuck oth’r women night and day; In flaming protest her own brassiere twirls, She dost not liketh penis big ‘r small, She dost not liketh penis when in bed, She dost not liketh penis, nay at all; Least dost she liketh penis near her head, However, I, thou must admit, like men, And can’t see what she doth’n’t love ‘bout dicks With noble girth and their plent’ful semen, ‘tis certain, an advantage over chicks; These things I hath said, they all were in jest I like vaginas, and so doth your mom.

VOLUME 10, ISSUE 4

DECEMBER 10, 2013

The Do’s and Dont’s of Claiming a Cubicle in the Library

Top 10...

Worst Super Powers

10.

9.

8.

DO

DON’T

1. Leave wet red paint on the chair if you get up.

Then, if you see someone with a red butt, you know they tried to steal your seat. Spank them as punishment.

1. Ask the guy next to you to “watch your stuff.”

They are a stranger, and you shouldn’t talk to strangers. Strangers steal stuff.

2. Bring Pez candies to sell as Vyvanse, Adderall, and Ritalin to your desperate, sleep-deprived peers. You’ll make lots of money and can negotiate for a cubicle on the third floor, if you’re lucky.

3. Wear a banana suit and eat an apple. The noise of apple crunching will really piss off the people around you, they will leave, and you will have spots free for your friends. The banana suit will provide comic relief to yourself and others.

2. Get up to use the bathroom. Instead, urinate in the cubicle. The scent will mark your territory for the next few hours, and you won’t lose any time going to the bathroom.

3. Pour glue on the wood desk and then fall asleep. Your face will stick to it.

Reasons We’re Feeling Awkward 24% - Nobody told me I had ground beef in my hair 15% - Gave birth during final exam 39% - My lips are super chapped

Flight While Naked.

Has Four Extra Teeth.

Emits a Bright Light from Whole Body During Awkward Social Interactions.

7.

Telepathy with a Rural Chinese Farmer named 农民.

6.

Incredibly Hairy Tongue.

5.

Can Get What You Want for as Long as You Can Hold Your Breath.

4.

Ability to Accurately Predict Weight of Pregnant Women.

3.

Can Digest Anything except Gluten, Dairy, and Oreos.

2.

Invisibility While Nobody is Looking.

1.

Can Speak to Herpes.

41% - Called professor “mom” 7% - I always feel awkward when they serve Gnocchi Putanesca at the DUC

What Do You Think?

Yo, I heard Harry’s is the move tonight. What Do You Think?

Karina Lewis

Sorority Girl, So Sick of the Row

“Oooo! I love Harry’s. I just really wanna dance tonight!”

George Washington Porn Addict

“I think I’ll probably just jerk off and go to bed.”

Alexander Hamilton

Founding Member of Upsilon Sigma Alpha Fraternity

“C’mon George, stop being a fuckface. It’s the move.“

Jillian Brown

First Year Center Staff Member “Hey everyone! You are missing out if you’re not checking out the Movie on the Swamp tonight! We’re showing “Pitch Perfect”.”

Harry Potter Wizard

“I’m not sure that many people will fit in my cupboard under the stairs.”