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Volume 5, Issue 5
Friday, January 30, 2009
University Unveils New “Work Hard, Pay Hard” Slogan
At a glitzy, $1,000-per-plate black tie dinner in the Danforth University Center’s Tisch Commons Thursday evening, university Chancellor Mark Wrighton and other senior administration officials formally unveiled the University’s rejuvenated slogan. “We put into words what our pupils, alumni and their student loan cosigners have always known,” said Wrighton, reading word-for-word a Powerpoint slide being projected before a crowd of over 400 academics, administrators, St. Louis socialites and his mother-in-law Pisa Zwerling. “Washington University in St. Louis is a work hard, pay hard school.” The search for a new slogan began in 1987 when the Board of Trustees voted to discard the university’s previous slogan, “Why not? We’re right up the road,” in an effort to attract fewer local and commuter students and more students from outside of St. Louis County. In a subsequent speech given between the dinner’s fifth and sixth course by Vice-Chancellor for Slogans, Mottos and Seals (non-aquatic) Thomas Veritas, the Vice-Chanellor told the party's distinguished guests that the “Work Hard, Pay Hard” slogan was chosen after 20 years of marketing research and $5.4 million
in focus group testing. “We are fortunate,” said Vertias, struggling to reach his notes over his largess, “to have the hardest working students in the central Midwest and the hardest paying parents in the country.” The praise of students and parents was echoed throughout the night. “Our kids are not all work, like the drones at the University of Chicago, nor are they all pay like our friends at George Washington,” said Director of Campus Life Jill Carnaghi, flaccidly reading prepared jokes from an index card. “It’s a happy medium of library and loan that keeps me here, ever poised to revoke yet another fraternity charter.” The unveiling comes just days after Brookings announced a fifth straight annual tuition increase for the coming 2009-2010 academic year. According to a letter sent to students and parents, tuition is expected to increase $1,600 over the previous year. Wrighton addressed the tuition increase while dedicating the event’s 1,854 glass champagne fountain - one glass for each of the years the university has existed - after the conclusion of the final dessert course. “As the University cut costs in all
A new banner, which gets its sheen from eco-friendly, all natural Swarovski crystals, shimmers in the quad.
areas in response to the dismal economic forecast facing us, the ability of students to work harder than ever and parents to pay harder and longer than they ever expected will assure that my salary cut is a one-time, empty gesture." “Huzzah! La sabrage!” he added after opening the fountain’s first bottle with a sword. University administrators, who are not a recognized Student Union group, were charged $150 for the use of the Tisch Commons for the evening.
School of Social Work Announces Info Session for Prospective Students/Debtors
In an effort to attract more student slash debtors and maintain its status as the number one social worker slash debtor-producing institution in America, this semester the George Warren Brown School of Social Work (GWB) is holding an info-session series entitled “Is Social Work Slash Lifelong Debt for Me?” Founded in 1925 by Gertrude Brown, the ‘non-lesbian’ feminist founder of the Brown Shoe Company, the School of Social Work was originally organized as a radical feminist fringe organization aimed at crushing the spirits of men worldwide, but has since branched out to include social service in its manifesto. The field of social work, which focuses on social justice issues and increasing the quality of life for hobos and the criminally old, is widely regarded as one of the fastest growing and lowest paying professions in America. “I thought about a career that would allow me to support my family, but my true passion is gifting puppies to the mentally deranged in hopes that a spark of cuteness will help them turn their lives around," said a very approachable Marshall Smith after a recent informational meeting with Brown School admissions personnel. "The School of Social Work can train me do what I love, so I don’t have to settle for a higher-
A dollar saved is a dollar earned
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paying, easier job like a cashier at McDonald’s.” GWB is rated the #1 school for social work in US News & World Report's 2008 "Best Graduate Schools" edition. Despite the rigorous program's demanding workload, GWB consistently produces alumni with some of the field's highest GPA's. "We don't have 'B' or 'C' students graduating from George Warren Brown [School of Social Work]" said Dean Edward Lawlor, the school's chief administrator. "Grades that aren't superior are discouraging to students - we don't give them." Alumni of the school praise the hands-on education the school offers. Kerri Lopez, a 2005 graduate re-
marked from outside a squat government building in downtown St. Louis: "Attending a school as expensive as WashU to do something that pays this poorly really makes you understand the socio-economic matrix that those who need [social workers] are trapped in." Taking a long drag on a Virginia Slim, she added, "Economically, the only thing that separates me from most of my cases is I'm the originator of my future family's cyclical, crippling poverty and when I sleep outside, it's by choice." According to pamphlets distributed by the institution, a career in social work is a “fulfilling” and
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