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Volume 5, Issue 5
Friday, January 30, 2009
University Unveils New “Work Hard, Pay Hard” Slogan
At a glitzy, $1,000-per-plate black tie dinner in the Danforth University Center’s Tisch Commons Thursday evening, university Chancellor Mark Wrighton and other senior administration officials formally unveiled the University’s rejuvenated slogan. “We put into words what our pupils, alumni and their student loan cosigners have always known,” said Wrighton, reading word-for-word a Powerpoint slide being projected before a crowd of over 400 academics, administrators, St. Louis socialites and his mother-in-law Pisa Zwerling. “Washington University in St. Louis is a work hard, pay hard school.” The search for a new slogan began in 1987 when the Board of Trustees voted to discard the university’s previous slogan, “Why not? We’re right up the road,” in an effort to attract fewer local and commuter students and more students from outside of St. Louis County. In a subsequent speech given between the dinner’s fifth and sixth course by Vice-Chancellor for Slogans, Mottos and Seals (non-aquatic) Thomas Veritas, the Vice-Chanellor told the party's distinguished guests that the “Work Hard, Pay Hard” slogan was chosen after 20 years of marketing research and $5.4 million
in focus group testing. “We are fortunate,” said Vertias, struggling to reach his notes over his largess, “to have the hardest working students in the central Midwest and the hardest paying parents in the country.” The praise of students and parents was echoed throughout the night. “Our kids are not all work, like the drones at the University of Chicago, nor are they all pay like our friends at George Washington,” said Director of Campus Life Jill Carnaghi, flaccidly reading prepared jokes from an index card. “It’s a happy medium of library and loan that keeps me here, ever poised to revoke yet another fraternity charter.” The unveiling comes just days after Brookings announced a fifth straight annual tuition increase for the coming 2009-2010 academic year. According to a letter sent to students and parents, tuition is expected to increase $1,600 over the previous year. Wrighton addressed the tuition increase while dedicating the event’s 1,854 glass champagne fountain - one glass for each of the years the university has existed - after the conclusion of the final dessert course. “As the University cut costs in all
A new banner, which gets its sheen from eco-friendly, all natural Swarovski crystals, shimmers in the quad.
areas in response to the dismal economic forecast facing us, the ability of students to work harder than ever and parents to pay harder and longer than they ever expected will assure that my salary cut is a one-time, empty gesture." “Huzzah! La sabrage!” he added after opening the fountain’s first bottle with a sword. University administrators, who are not a recognized Student Union group, were charged $150 for the use of the Tisch Commons for the evening.
School of Social Work Announces Info Session for Prospective Students/Debtors
In an effort to attract more student slash debtors and maintain its status as the number one social worker slash debtor-producing institution in America, this semester the George Warren Brown School of Social Work (GWB) is holding an info-session series entitled “Is Social Work Slash Lifelong Debt for Me?” Founded in 1925 by Gertrude Brown, the ‘non-lesbian’ feminist founder of the Brown Shoe Company, the School of Social Work was originally organized as a radical feminist fringe organization aimed at crushing the spirits of men worldwide, but has since branched out to include social service in its manifesto. The field of social work, which focuses on social justice issues and increasing the quality of life for hobos and the criminally old, is widely regarded as one of the fastest growing and lowest paying professions in America. “I thought about a career that would allow me to support my family, but my true passion is gifting puppies to the mentally deranged in hopes that a spark of cuteness will help them turn their lives around," said a very approachable Marshall Smith after a recent informational meeting with Brown School admissions personnel. "The School of Social Work can train me do what I love, so I don’t have to settle for a higher-
A dollar saved is a dollar earned
WUnderground Snow Report:
Lifestyle: RENT! One Freshman's Search for Junior-Year Housing Chairs Rearranged in Bears Den Porn Industry Bends Over for Congress
500,000 Flock to Greet Incoming ArtSci Dean
White Americans Celebrate Inauguration of 47th White Vice President Graduates look forward to owning cars.
paying, easier job like a cashier at McDonald’s.” GWB is rated the #1 school for social work in US News & World Report's 2008 "Best Graduate Schools" edition. Despite the rigorous program's demanding workload, GWB consistently produces alumni with some of the field's highest GPA's. "We don't have 'B' or 'C' students graduating from George Warren Brown [School of Social Work]" said Dean Edward Lawlor, the school's chief administrator. "Grades that aren't superior are discouraging to students - we don't give them." Alumni of the school praise the hands-on education the school offers. Kerri Lopez, a 2005 graduate re-
marked from outside a squat government building in downtown St. Louis: "Attending a school as expensive as WashU to do something that pays this poorly really makes you understand the socio-economic matrix that those who need [social workers] are trapped in." Taking a long drag on a Virginia Slim, she added, "Economically, the only thing that separates me from most of my cases is I'm the originator of my future family's cyclical, crippling poverty and when I sleep outside, it's by choice." According to pamphlets distributed by the institution, a career in social work is a “fulfilling” and
CONTINUED ON PAGE 2
J-Prog Coverage: Final Freshman Sealed Into WUSTL Bubble
Sorority Recruitment Convinces 30% of Freshman Girls to Try it Greek
Volume 5, Issue 5
White Flight Strikes Washington
The Obamas take a stroll through their beautiful, albeit quiet, new neighborhood.
Thousands of white families have fled Washington, DC in recent weeks as news broke of a black family planning to relocate to the capital city. While black people in Washington is hardly a new concept, since the founding of the district in 1790 the affluent areas of the city have long remained safely in the hands of the country's rich and powerful white politicians. The most luxurious home in the area, a bone-white two-hundred year-old Georgian style colonial mansion, has been purchased by the Obama family of Chicago for approximately $750 million - largely paid for in installments of $5 or $10 per quarter.
This mansion is the former home of nearly every President of the United States, which makes the Obamas' acquisition a problem for the country, according to racist Carl Klansman. "This house has a long history of white power and black oppression," said Klansman. "George Washington's slaves grew hemp on the grounds. Thomas Jefferson boned his slaves in the broom closets. Bill Clinton boinked fat chicks, probably even some black ones, in the study. Do we really want to spoil this rich history?" One of the first families making plans to flee the area is the wealthy Bush family of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Having amassed a significant fortune through a series of failed business ventures and wars, the family moved into 1600 in January 2000. After hearing of the black family's intention to move into the area, the Bushes decided eight was indeed enough and that the time had come to abandon their home to seek refuge elsewhere. According to patriarch George Walker, "I just feel it's time to move on to a more securely white community, where I will not have to fear black people. A place like rural Texas."
Student Perplexed at Extensive Memory of Previous Night Sophomore Eric Byrd awoke in a state of befuddlement Saturday morning upon realizing that he could easily recall all of the events of the preceding night, a feat normally only attainable on the occasional weeknight. “It was weird alright,” asserted a visibly shaken Byrd. “I was sure it was Saturday but at the same time, I knew exactly why I had been sleeping in the refrigerator.” According to the sophomore, the night definitely began with a powerhour in his suite, an event confirmed by the YouTube video “Eric's Fucking Epic Power Hour,” which depicts Byrd belching all the lyrics to Journey's “Don't Stop Believing” with surprisingly accurate pitch. Upon the hour's completion, Byrd, accompanied by suite-mates Paul Johnson, Randy Livingston, and Jared Fletcher, traveled to Nemerov Residence Hall to pre-game with
some friends. “Haha that's so weird I definitely remember heading over the Nemerov because that was when I flashed that cute girl from my Psychology class!” Byrd recalled reminiscently. “Man, remembering stuff sucks!” Byrd then accurately recalled being detained at Nemerov while Livingston attempted unsuccessfully to hide from an ex-girlfriend. “The closet was a poor choice,” Livingston later lamented in a separate interview. Eventually, the quartet drunkenly ambled toward the fraternities, where they endured minimal stumbling while descending the hill toward lower Fraternity Row. “Once we were inside the frat house, I totally hooked up with that weird blond chick,” recounted Byrd, a fact confirmed by a new number in Byrd's cellular phone labeled “Wird Blmnd Chik?!?”
Friday, January 30, 2009
School of Social Work Info Session
CONTINUED FROM PAGE 1 there something you want to talk “exciting” lifestyle "flushed full" of about?” "interesting people" in "tragic" situaThe informational series will tions. The pamphlets also list several launch at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, in [the popular dual-degree programs that giant room in Brown where you took have grown greatly in popularity Intro to Psych or Human Ev] with a since they were first introduced to offspeech by Wyatt Regula, one of the set some of the debt incurred by a life Loop's most charismatic Welfare recipiof social service. Now, along with the ents. Thereafter, interested students are original dual-degree program that invited to join a panel of distinguished granted a law degree and masters in professors and alumni in a moderated social work (JD/MSW), students have discussion aimed at determining who, the option of earning a dual-degree other than Regula, is to blame for his with social work and Mooching off three decades of unemployment. ReSomeone Wealthy (MSW/MSW), freshments will follow. Making Shit Wages (MSW/MSW) or Marrying Someone Well-Off (MSW/MSW). While The First Law of Nature, which dictates humanity’s necessity is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical for self-preservation, delineates that newspaper and should be taken rational people should not take a job about as seriously as the Snuggie in the anti-lucrative world of hugging commercial. The quotes and events crackheads, applicant numbers have reported in this paper are grown greatly in recent years. Accordcompletely fictitious … at least to ing to Brown School registrar Jane Adour knowledge. Any resemblance dams, “potential students are really to persons living, ailing, or dead is attracted by the new courses being ofcompletely intentional. fered this year. Especially popular are ‘Listening,’ ‘Hugging—But Not Too Hard’ and ‘Living On $10 A Week.’" Smiling warmly, and angling her head Cole Randle sweetly to the right, she queried, "By Commander-in-Chief the way, you look sad and tense. Is
WUnderground
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer
Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief
Staff
“God, I remember this too!” said Byrd.
Around 2:30, Byrd, Johnson, and Livingston headed back to their dorm, having given up on an extensive 30second search for Fletcher. They returned to their suite shortly thereafter, delayed only by Johnson having to “look for his glasses” in a bush, a lie clearly revealed by the loud retching noises that shortly followed. While amused by the novelty of remembering his evening, Byrd hopes that his newly found anamnesis is just that - a novelty. "It's college. In inability to remember absolves one from culpability." He added, "Which is great, what with all this Herpes I have."
Why Are We Rushing? 24% said “Beer.”
WUnderground asked all of the rushees on campus. Here are the results.
31% said “Bitches.”
Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt
Contributors Daniel Arteaga Alexandra Bursak Brandon Buyers Sheyna Ezrapour Mike Friend Patrick Kelly Edward Lu Dennis Mickley John Moynihan Zack Pinsky Jenna Stempel Alex Taylor Michael Yang
We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or save as .pdf, email us at
wundergr@su.wustl.edu
and join our Facebook group!
4% said “Bros.”
27% said “Bitches.”
14% said “DUC race machine told me to.”
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
Volume 5, Issue 5
Friday, January 30, 2009
The Fatalistic Cartoonist Does Back To School
Do You Like Apples?
Of course that’s your contention, you’re a first year grad student. You just got done reading some Marxian historian – Pete Garrison, probably – you’re going to be convinced of that until next month when you get to James Lemmon, then you’re going to be talking about how the economies of Virginia and Pennsylvania were entrepreneurial and capitalist way back in 1740, until next year when you’re going to be in here regurgitating Gordon Wood. Talking about, you know, the pre-Revolution utopia and the capital forming effects of military mobilization.
Wood drastically…. Wood drastically underestimates the impact of social distinction predicated on wealth, especially inherited wealth. Work in Essex County, page 98, right? Yea, I read that too. Were you going to plagiarize the whole thing? Do you have any thoughts on this matter? Or is that your thing you come into a bar and read some obscure passage just to impress some girls? Embarrass my friend? See, the sad thing about a guy like you is that in 50 years you’re going to start doing some thinking on your own, and you’re going to come up with
POINT
Hamlet: To Go... by Billy Steakspear, Freshman
O, what a rogue and peasant slave am I! Is it not monstrous that with this play here, being performed at our own Edison, My soul instead considers a night of Debauchery at the frats with my dear Elizabeth. The call of solo cups beckons to mine breast, the thought of touching hers brings tears to my eyes and Kleenex to my desk. What's Hamlet to me, or me to Hamlet, That I should bother to attend? What would Lizzy, sweet diaphragm-wearing Lizzy, Think of my love of all that is theater. Why, what an ass am I! This is most wrong, That I, like John-a-dreams, choose the end of Wet dreams o'er the play to end all plays. 'Swounds! Fie upon't, foh! My brains must know, That no brains can be worth missing this show. Thus to the play I'll go, for the play's the thing, And another time to Lizzy my dick shall I sling.
by Will Hunting, Janitor
the fact that there are two certainties in life: one, don’t do that. And two: you dropped a hundred and fifty grand on a fucking education you could have gotten for $1.50 in late charges at the public library. Well that may be. But at least I won’t be unoriginal. But I mean, if you have a problem, we could just step outside and figure it out. Do you like apples? Yea? Well, I got her number. How do you like them apples?
COUNTER-POINT
Or Not To Go by Zach Polonimeister, Resident Advisor
Yet here, Billy? Aboard, aboard for shame! How can'st thou let that sweet, sweet slut enter The great row of frats without thee by her side. If to be laid you desire, these few precepts in thy memory remember. Give thy tongue to her as soon as can be, And be as vulgar as you'd want her to be. Do not dull thy palm and thy sword alone, Even if thy roommate hath Relay all night. Instead, give her thy ear, but not thy voice, And pretend to care about the crap she speaketh. Grapple her to thy soul with links to LOLcats On her wall and bumper stickers of Obama. Gelleth thy hair into a blowout cut, And pop thy collar when'ver in her sights. 'Sblood! Nev'r let her attend the frats alone, For 'tis certain upstairs will she be shown, This above all: to thine own self be true, Blow the play, for the bitch will blow you.
Volume 5, Issue 5
Friday, January 30, 2009
Frat orST Cult? WUnderground Quiz:
ART HER E
For you to become a brother
What do they want?
What kind of brother?
For you to give them money
A brother in the fraternal, homoerotic sense
Actually their brother
How much money?
CULT!
All your money
CULT.
What does this involve?
Commiting suicide while wearing brand new, white Nike sneakers
CULT
Yes, after Ragnarok deems you worthy
For you to drink the Kool-Aid
What’s in the Kool-Aid?
Shut up, pledge!
! T A R F
Just enough to get a six pack...seriously, man, I’ll pay you back
CULT
Could Go E Way for C ither Saving Rea ostsons McCormick Vodka & Rat Poison
Wearing Greek letters
PAGAN CULT!
CULT!
You mean, may you please have a beer, Brother WUnderground?
1. U05 - CHEM - Brewing for Mastery
2. L04 - CHINA - Perspectives on Wall Construction: 5th Century BC - 16th Century AD 3. L33 - PSYCH - Sleep Lab
McCormick Vodka
Do you get a beer?
Second Semester Senior Classes
You Do.
FRAT!
Fuck No!
4. L84 - LW ST - Presidents' Moral Problems 5. L98 - AMCS - Trivial Pursuits (TU 10-12 pm)
6. L14 - ENG - Topics in American Literature: Hand Jobs - Dexterity in the American Novel: Johnny Tremain to The Catcher in the Rye 7. U88 - HEALTH - The Civil Wart: the Importance of STD Divulgence 8. L77 - WGS - Coquettes and Calculus: A Study of Curves 10. L39 - GEN - Images of Disability in Film and Literature
The British media has reported that Prince Harry, son of Prince Charles and brother of heir-to-the-throne Prince William has broken up with his busty, blonde girlfriend of 5 years, University of Leeds law student Chelsy Davy. What do you think?
Prince Charles; Prince of Wales, Fan of Prince
"Mmmmmyess, It's no bother. As I held throughout their tryst, she is not of blood relation to our royal lineage and thus is not permissible for marriage. Have her killed."
Audrey Cooper; Class of 2012, Undeclared
"I always knew Harry would end up with Hermione."
Ben & Jerry; President and CEO, Ben & Jerry's, Queers
"We're upgrading the Leeds sector to 'outperform.'"
Kate Pinkerton; Confidant of Ms. Davy, Tart
"She can do so much better."