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ArtSci Dean Checking List, Twice
Volume 5, Issue 4
Monday, November 24, 2008
With the holiday season quickly approaching, dean of the College of Arts and Sciences James McLeod feels much like Santa Claus as he compiles and checks his list of those who have been good girls and boys during the fall 2008 semester. "I'm going to find out who's been naughty and nice this fall," asserted McLeod from his office in Brookings. McLeod is responsible for compiling the Dean's List – an unpublished roster of those achieving over a 3.5 GPA during the semester. In addition to compiling the list, McLeod, who also serves as Vice Chancellor, is further responsible for writing and distributing letters notifying students of their achievement, a job that the former German professor takes very seriously. "I believe each student, upon achieving placement on the Dean's List deserves a personal letter from an authorized, ivory-towered authority figure," said McLeod. McLeod's preparation for his namesake Dean's List letter season begins in October. After the posting of midterm grades, aides to the Dean comb through the midterm grade reports and past academic records of all students, from which they compile a tentative list of those likely to make the current semester's Dean's List. McLeod personally reviews this list and begins drafting his letters in the first half of November. "I start early to give myself the time to draft and edit a letter that really speaks to each student and his or her noteworthy achievement," said the dean. "If I wanted to just have my secretaries churn out a tired, computer-generated letter with a fake signature semester after semester,
year after year, I could." He added: "But what would that imply about the administration's relationship with students?" Students' positive response to the letters demonstrates an appreciation for the work that the dean puts into them. "Dean McLeod's letters can be like Christmas miracles," said junior Amanda Thickfens. "At the end of winter break, right when I have to ask my parents for another $20,000 in tuition money, I give my dad the letter from Dean McLeod, which seems to make him hate me less as he slowly writes me a check before nervously checking E*Trade again." Hearing stories such as this, McLeod says that he is aware of the power of good in his list. "Sometimes I feel like an academic Oskar Schindler." However, the coveted Dean's List is not the only roll that the Vice Chancellor keeps. Currently, McLeod is heading up the search for a new dean of the faculty of Arts and Sciences. "That list isn't very long," remarked the Dean with a sigh. "Our top candidates as of today are: Sasquatch, giant squid, and El Chupacabra." Not all of the registers kept by Dean McLeod are ones that students or faculty want to be on. "At any point in time, my 'Shit List' is twice as long as the Dean's List," said McLeod. Placement on the Shit List, which is kept in a battered blue-book beneath a pack of Marlboro cigarettes at the bottom of the Dean's second desk drawer on the right, is permanent and
After compiling data from complex devices located in and around the underworld, a global team of rogue climate researchers says Hell appears to have frozen over. Bing McNally, the gruff but wellmeaning leader of the team, revealed in a press conference Monday that the temperature of Hell fell nearly 440 degrees Kelvin over a period of 12 hours. "Hold on to your hats, folks. Hell now measures about 260 degrees K, which is a blistery, blustery 8 degrees Fahrenheit," he said via satellite from the team's research base in Antarctica. "Purgatory remains brisk, with a chance of gusting." McNally said the scientists had not yet "banged out" the cause of the sudden temperature drop. However, many climate experts believe unexpected changes in weather patterns could be a result of global warming. "For generations, people were drawn to Hades for its distinctive tropical clime," explained Anne Easting, a geology professor at the
University of California, Berkeley. "Today marks the end of an era. Humanity's abuse of precious natural ecosystems has extinguished yet another flame." Theories like Easting's have received a disparate public reaction, since Americans on the far right of the issue don't believe in global warming, and Americans on the far left don't believe in Hell. Nevertheless, many citizens find the idea of a frozen underworld concerning. "It just raises so many questions," Jana Dubois from Milwaukee, Wisconsin said. "What will happen to my mortgage? Where are my car keys? How much does a miniature horse weigh?" While it creates uncertainty in the minds of some Americans, Hell's new climate presents an exciting opportunity for others. "We're thinking that Hell might just be the next great vacation spot," said Gregg Leroy, spokesman for the American Society of Travel Agents (ASTA). "Think pristine ski slopes with
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Dean McLeod hopes to mail you something this December. sometimes fatal. "Harvard Law School received an official copy of my transcript in which the names of all the classes I took had been replaced with "Criminology 420: Why Not to Smoke Pot in the Quad While Dean McLeod is Trying to Bang Shit Out," said unemployed graduate John Levine. Dean McLeod refused to acknowledge the significance of the Shit List, but did remind students and his wife: "let's just say I don't use pencil when I add a name." McLeod also acknowledges that although list keeping and letter writing is an exhaustive process, it is one that he enjoys. "I could have it much worse: I could be the dean of the business school. Could you imagine how long it would take to write a letter to every enrolled student?" McLeod wishes that readers of this article accept his best wishes for their continued success and let him know if they have any suggestions for ways he can be a better University for you. He can be reached at 314-935-7747, or by email at jemcleod@wustl.edu.
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Tightened credit markets may slow development in Hell, despite the opportunity for growth
miles of fresh powder. Imagine breathtaking vistas undisturbed by the hustle and bustle of modern life. That's the kind of getaway we're excited to create." Preliminary research on development opportunities in Hell had begun as early as this afternoon. There are reportedly dozens of industry moguls already located in the region, prepared to oversee construction of resort accommodations. While the ASTA is publicly optimistic, it is also careful to be realistic. Leroy expressed doubt about the viability of Hell as a vacation spot for the average traveler. He warned that arranging travel to the underworld could be "pricey," but that, "of course, with every great secluded paradise, the hard part of the trip is getting there."
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