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ArtSci Dean Checking List, Twice
Volume 5, Issue 4
Monday, November 24, 2008
With the holiday season quickly approaching, dean of the College of Arts and Sciences James McLeod feels much like Santa Claus as he compiles and checks his list of those who have been good girls and boys during the fall 2008 semester. "I'm going to find out who's been naughty and nice this fall," asserted McLeod from his office in Brookings. McLeod is responsible for compiling the Dean's List – an unpublished roster of those achieving over a 3.5 GPA during the semester. In addition to compiling the list, McLeod, who also serves as Vice Chancellor, is further responsible for writing and distributing letters notifying students of their achievement, a job that the former German professor takes very seriously. "I believe each student, upon achieving placement on the Dean's List deserves a personal letter from an authorized, ivory-towered authority figure," said McLeod. McLeod's preparation for his namesake Dean's List letter season begins in October. After the posting of midterm grades, aides to the Dean comb through the midterm grade reports and past academic records of all students, from which they compile a tentative list of those likely to make the current semester's Dean's List. McLeod personally reviews this list and begins drafting his letters in the first half of November. "I start early to give myself the time to draft and edit a letter that really speaks to each student and his or her noteworthy achievement," said the dean. "If I wanted to just have my secretaries churn out a tired, computer-generated letter with a fake signature semester after semester,
year after year, I could." He added: "But what would that imply about the administration's relationship with students?" Students' positive response to the letters demonstrates an appreciation for the work that the dean puts into them. "Dean McLeod's letters can be like Christmas miracles," said junior Amanda Thickfens. "At the end of winter break, right when I have to ask my parents for another $20,000 in tuition money, I give my dad the letter from Dean McLeod, which seems to make him hate me less as he slowly writes me a check before nervously checking E*Trade again." Hearing stories such as this, McLeod says that he is aware of the power of good in his list. "Sometimes I feel like an academic Oskar Schindler." However, the coveted Dean's List is not the only roll that the Vice Chancellor keeps. Currently, McLeod is heading up the search for a new dean of the faculty of Arts and Sciences. "That list isn't very long," remarked the Dean with a sigh. "Our top candidates as of today are: Sasquatch, giant squid, and El Chupacabra." Not all of the registers kept by Dean McLeod are ones that students or faculty want to be on. "At any point in time, my 'Shit List' is twice as long as the Dean's List," said McLeod. Placement on the Shit List, which is kept in a battered blue-book beneath a pack of Marlboro cigarettes at the bottom of the Dean's second desk drawer on the right, is permanent and
After compiling data from complex devices located in and around the underworld, a global team of rogue climate researchers says Hell appears to have frozen over. Bing McNally, the gruff but wellmeaning leader of the team, revealed in a press conference Monday that the temperature of Hell fell nearly 440 degrees Kelvin over a period of 12 hours. "Hold on to your hats, folks. Hell now measures about 260 degrees K, which is a blistery, blustery 8 degrees Fahrenheit," he said via satellite from the team's research base in Antarctica. "Purgatory remains brisk, with a chance of gusting." McNally said the scientists had not yet "banged out" the cause of the sudden temperature drop. However, many climate experts believe unexpected changes in weather patterns could be a result of global warming. "For generations, people were drawn to Hades for its distinctive tropical clime," explained Anne Easting, a geology professor at the
University of California, Berkeley. "Today marks the end of an era. Humanity's abuse of precious natural ecosystems has extinguished yet another flame." Theories like Easting's have received a disparate public reaction, since Americans on the far right of the issue don't believe in global warming, and Americans on the far left don't believe in Hell. Nevertheless, many citizens find the idea of a frozen underworld concerning. "It just raises so many questions," Jana Dubois from Milwaukee, Wisconsin said. "What will happen to my mortgage? Where are my car keys? How much does a miniature horse weigh?" While it creates uncertainty in the minds of some Americans, Hell's new climate presents an exciting opportunity for others. "We're thinking that Hell might just be the next great vacation spot," said Gregg Leroy, spokesman for the American Society of Travel Agents (ASTA). "Think pristine ski slopes with
Free WUnderground Medical Study
Obama: Projected Appearance in 2012
Dean McLeod hopes to mail you something this December. sometimes fatal. "Harvard Law School received an official copy of my transcript in which the names of all the classes I took had been replaced with "Criminology 420: Why Not to Smoke Pot in the Quad While Dean McLeod is Trying to Bang Shit Out," said unemployed graduate John Levine. Dean McLeod refused to acknowledge the significance of the Shit List, but did remind students and his wife: "let's just say I don't use pencil when I add a name." McLeod also acknowledges that although list keeping and letter writing is an exhaustive process, it is one that he enjoys. "I could have it much worse: I could be the dean of the business school. Could you imagine how long it would take to write a letter to every enrolled student?" McLeod wishes that readers of this article accept his best wishes for their continued success and let him know if they have any suggestions for ways he can be a better University for you. He can be reached at 314-935-7747, or by email at jemcleod@wustl.edu.
Post-Election Science Report: Hell Frozen Over
Tightened credit markets may slow development in Hell, despite the opportunity for growth
miles of fresh powder. Imagine breathtaking vistas undisturbed by the hustle and bustle of modern life. That's the kind of getaway we're excited to create." Preliminary research on development opportunities in Hell had begun as early as this afternoon. There are reportedly dozens of industry moguls already located in the region, prepared to oversee construction of resort accommodations. While the ASTA is publicly optimistic, it is also careful to be realistic. Leroy expressed doubt about the viability of Hell as a vacation spot for the average traveler. He warned that arranging travel to the underworld could be "pricey," but that, "of course, with every great secluded paradise, the hard part of the trip is getting there."
Society: ‘X-Magazine’ Hosts Annual LINGUS Fundraiser Ohio Plumber Faces Most Thorough Audit in IRS History
Former President Patel Quietly Loses SU Service Protection
Belegarth Mishap Inflicts But a Flesh Wound Chancellor Wrighton: "Oh no, weuh fucked" Arborial Diversity Plummets with Removal of "Early Deciduous" Application Deadline
Oh Deer: Shooting Club Erects Campus’ First Tree Stand
Volume 5, Issue 4
Monday, November 24, 2008
J-Prog Vivid Video Intern "Sick of fucking fucking" College of Arts and Science January Program student John Balin thought he had scored his dream job when he was accepted to the highly competitive internship program of his dream employer, Vivid Video – America's most prolific pornography-producing studios – this fall. Balin is a January Program student or "J-Prog:" a select group of freshman whom the university desires to keep out of the "incoming class" statistics that it annually submits to U.S. News and World Report for rankings calculations. JProgs, who begin their studies at WashU in the spring semester of an academic year are afforded the chance to take their isolated fall semester to secure an internship, travel, or do anything other than include their questionable credentials in any sort of report that would damage the university's ranking. Bailin, who thought he had secured the best use of his time during his fall off, resents his experience at what was to be his dream internship. "When I first got [to Vivid], I was so excited," said Bailin via teleconference from his home in New Jersey. "These were the people: Brianna Banks, Hanna Hilton, Tera Patrick, that I furiously and uncompromisingly masturbated to throughout high school." "But the reality," he said, "was so
much different." Balin complains that Vivid's internship program, known as Engorging the Future, subjugated him to menial labor and repetitive, mindnumbing tasks instead of allowing him to "penetrate the minds of top executives" and thrusting him "balls deep into the erotic and lucrative pornography industry," as the program's description promised in its post on the university's jobfinding database CareerLink. "I did [film] screenings and data entry almost every day," said Balin. "Having to classify at what a point a 'four-way' becomes a 'more way' or learning how to indicate that a film was both 'ATM' and 'DP' was incredibly boring." Balin added, "I can't tell you how many times I checked Facebook or went to JibJab just to break the monotony of foreplay, oral, vaginal, money shot." Washington University Internship Coordinator Jackie Sooshin was defensive of the Career Center's choice to list the program on CareerLink. "We've heard nothing but positive things from previous participants," she said after browsing through a file of comments she accidentally dropped on the ground in front of the reporter. "I'm extremely disappointed that John had a bad experience. If only he could come visit my secluded
second-floor office after hours, maybe some kind of agreement could be reached," affirmed Sooshin while slowly picking up the file and placing a pair of black, plasticrimmed classes low on her nose. Vivid's Jackie Malone, head of Engorging the Future remarked that she was shocked John had such a bad experience. "At Vivid we really do try to do the most for our interns, despite the challenges and remarkable supply of labor in this industry," she said. "We give them unmatched opportunities: interns get to shadow prominent stars, test out new toys, and participate in icebreakers like our 'Fuck an Intern Day' to make them feel more at home and to help them learn the names of their superiors." Malone added, "John should take a brief refractory period before judging the internship. He shouldn't let fatigue or jitters from working in a faster and harder and faster paced industry prematurely blow any chances of taking something from the experience." Balin, who is preparing to arrive on campus for his first semester, does not know if he'll ever view the industry the same again. "I was hoping to maybe keeping working and try and get an offer for after I graduated," said Balin. "But working at Vivid has left me with a bitter taste in my mouth."
UGG Australia to Merge with Lee Jeans Co. When WashU women flock to the stores to replace last year's torn, tattered, and mildew-ridden UGGs in time for the onset of winter, they will be shocked to find that the suedeand-sheepskin staple of their winter fashion no longer goes by the same name. UGG Australia, an Australianbased company, purchased Lee Jeans Co. last week, and assumed borderline monopolistic control of the lower halves of mannequins in fashion boutiques across the nation. The two companies will come together under the new corporate name UGG/Lee, and a new logo is currently in the works that will uphold the level of aesthetic appeal associated with all UGG products. With the expected approval of the merger, UGG/Lee will represent the world's largest conglomerate of nonflattering but "still so comfortable" clothing.
W U n der gr ou n d is Wash U’s premier [only] satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as banning bottled water. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious … at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief
Staff Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt
Contributors
For the diehard fan, Ugg/Lee will also be producing these fur boots-attached-to-pants.
W hat's gr ow ing at the Bur ning K umquat?
Daniel Arteaga Alexandra Bursak Brandon Buyers Sheyna Ezrapour Mike Friend Patrick Kelly Edward Lu Dennis Mickley John Moynihan Zack Pinsky Jenna Stempel Alex Taylor Michael Yang
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We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or undulate, email us at
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and join our Facebook group!
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# of Plots
The merger, an attempt by UGG Australia to corner the winter fashion market, UGG/Lee plans to release a completely re-vamped line of winter wear essentials, ranging from: boots, to pants, to boots-attached-topants, as well as pants. In response to customer complaints that zippers and buttons required too much effort, UGG/Lee has also ventured into the spandex clothing market. Arguably the hottest product in the proposed winter UGG/Lee line is the spandex pant that comes presewn into a pair of classic UGGs. Available in black and midnight black, the line of preattached boots and tights is to offer "functionality with high New York fashion." The product line, to debut in stores on December 1st, will be available at Neiman Marcus, Bear Mart, and overpriced at the Bookstore. Campus card points not accepted.
Balin regularly toiled through 12-14 hour days.
wundergr@su.wustl.edu
6 5 4 3 2 1 An organic, free-love community, man.
Rutabagas
Inflammable Kumquats
Salmonellamatoes
Female caretakerʼs body hair
Pot
ISSN # 1938-0089
wunderground.wustl.edu
Volume 5, Issue 4
Monday, November 24, 2008
Hope is a Lie By Chancellor Mark S. Wrighton Congratulations, students! You have elected Barack Obama as President-Elect in a landslide. You have voted for “change.” You have voted for “youth.” And above all, you have have voted for “hope.” You deluded, pathetic fools. Hope! Ahaha! Do you hear that, students? I am chortling at you. And my chortle is the bitter clarion call of reality. The word sickens me. I would cite you Machiavelli, but of course, no student at this university reads books. Here's an example that you callow sycophants will understand. Hope is like when my strumpet wife staggers into the kitchen, fresh from a debaucherous night with her degenerate friends from the St. Louis Salsa Club. Her mind is a whirlpool of endorphins, and the thumping rhythm of the barrio beat still hums in her blood. She clings to me, claiming that dance lessons could “revitalize our marriage,” all the while gobbling down the leftover crème brulee. In the morning, we return to our requisite frigidity, the brulee's gone straight to her hips, and I have to postpone an alumni meeting to purchase her new pants at Saks. Life is not the chaotic thrill, the sensual allure, the whispered promise of the salsa. Life is an eternal repetition of the box-step. Do it with me, students: back-two-three, left-two-three, forever. Hope. The sheer audacity of it! I cannot tell you how many times I have been forced to retie my Windsor Knot in a blinding rage. I would have run for President-Elect on my own platform, but I cannot
stand catering to the average man, nor do I possess any faith in humanity's capacity to rightfully discern my exceptionally cultured intellect. Also, public debates make me sweat. Hope is an incorrigible cancer upon a productive society. No. Hope is worse than cancer, because cancer is doing God's work of eliminating genetically cursed alumni, hastening their endowment. Answer me this, students. Do you have the courage and character to do more than hope, or have you displayed, with the superhuman effort of pulling the voting lever and then raiding the snacks table, the peak of your citizenship? Do you even know what you hope for? Let me guess. A yacht at 40, and a concurring sense of imaginary leisure and imaginary self worth? A world of blossoming flowers, cooperative living, and baby pandas? A sexually fulfilling marriage? This is why Barack Obama is a plague upon this country. He is bestowing upon you, Joe Philistine, the privilege of imaginary hope. To have some laughable belief in an elemental shining light within you. But you are Bon Appetit's broken storage refrigerator, pilot light flickering on and off, waiting for an electrician who never comes. Mr. Obama is not an electrician. He studied political science at Columbia. So congratulations, students. Send me a letter about hope in ten years - the crème brulee calls to me.
P OI N T I Love It Here!!!! Andrew W. Kleinstein; Freshman Pre-Med My first semester at Wash. U. is nearly over, and I only have one thing to say: I absolutely love it here! Seriously guys, how amazing is college? None of my professors take attendance, but I go to class anyway because it's so interesting and fun to learn. In high school all I could think about at school was getting through the day and going home to prepare for college, and now that I'm here my mind is like a sponge, ready to absorb everything! And hey, I'm not a total loser, either. I love meeting new people on my floor, in my dorm, in class, even in line at the DUC. Everyone is so nice and friendly, I feel like I could invite anyone back to my room to throw on a Jack Johnson CD and practice my chord changes. But don't get any ideas, all you ladies out there. I'm in love with the most beautiful girl in the world, Becky Steinman, and she's in love with me. Even though she's at Ohio State now, nothing's changed. If anything, we're even better together now than we were in high school. She came in for Diwali and had such a great time, and I just know we're going to be together forever. I also made sure to take her to the frats. You hear so many bad things about frat guys in movies, but not here. Everywhere you go they give you free beer and let you cut the line on the beer pong tables (greatest sport ever, by the way!). I think I'll join one when rush comes around; I mean, great parties with tons of booze for free, what's not to love? Plus, it'll look really great on my med-school applications. I can't wait to be a doctor and save lives everyday, but I don't want to think about that right now. I've got 3 and a half more years here and I'm loving every second of it!
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C O U N T E R -P O I N T This Place B-b-b-blows Andrew W. Kleinstein; Senior Finance Major Only one semester left? Holy hell. Thank the fuckin' lord. I don't know how on earth I've made it through seven of them already. Seriously, this place is awful. Class? What a joke. Ever since I dropped pre-med and switched to the Bschool, I haven't been to class once. Not even for exams. Let's just say my B-school professors really enjoy the stock options my dad offers them every semester (or is it dividends? I'm not really sure. Fuck it). And shit, I'm so sick of random losers trying to talk to me all the time. Oh really, you just ordered the exact same Memphis BBQ Sandwich with coleslaw as I did? That's fuckin' great, why don't we go back to your room and listen to some Jack Johnson while you jam on your acoustic, you fag. Speaking of fags, the girls are so ugly here I'm afraid I'll be one by the time I get out of here. Ever since Becky dumped me for some douche bag offensive lineman at OSU I've been on the prowl for pussy, but trying to find a girl I want to put my dick in here is like finding a student that doesn't live in the library: impossible. Or maybe like finding one that isn't from Long Island: double fuckin impossible. Fuckin' nerds, do a 69 some time instead of trying to find its derivative. And jeez, does the party scene suck. No, I don't want to have a drink with you and watch Scrubs and then the Office, Frat Brother Dicktwat, and no, I don't want to wait six hours to play a game that lets you drink a beer in ten minutes when I can shotgun five in the half the time. Even Tuesdays at Duffy's and Thursdays at Morgan Street suck; if I wanted to drunkenly stare at ugly chicks in waytoo-tight clothing I'd just stare out my window like I normally do. Yeah keep walking, assholes. I really need to get the fuck out of here, ASAP. Thank God I've got that cushy job lined up at Citi.
Volume 5, Issue 4
Monday, November 24, 2008
WUnderground Unneeded McCain-Palin Victory Headlines
Delays
1. Four mysterious equestrians ride through capital
2. President-elect dies of shock
3. Obama to fund national health program w/ unspent donations
Airline/
Destination
Departure
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UA514
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AA2398 UA519 JB135
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JB232
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Time
New Jersey - NWK New York - LGA
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Departures
4. Gov't printers prepare for VP swimsuit calendar
WUSTL Departure
Mi. from Short
11:37 AM
21.33
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Hills Mall 24.57
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5. Parents' liberal neighbors pack for Canada
6. Clinton launches 2012 campaign 7. Obama sails into sunset in Hopeblimp 8. McCain adds 9th residence
9. Gun sales flat in Q3
10. America celebrates 2nd Alzheimer's-stricken president
Last week a panel selected by the Greek Life Office chose Alpha Omicron Pi as WashU's newest sorority. What do you think?
Mimi Zeigler; Neiman Marcus In-Circle Member, Anonymous
Dennis Honton; Sophomore, Relay for Life Participant
"OMG, already? I better start egregiously and unmeritously defaming them on Juicy Campus for recruitment purposes."
“I hope their house is built in time."
Jennifer Connors; Elusive blonde, Social chair "No one will join. If A O Pi hasn't existed on campus, how will any of the girls rushing know whether A O Pi is the stereotype they want to become?"
Alexa Hersch; Gamma Phi, Impartial “Yea, like no one's heard of them, they've never existed on campus and it will take years to build a reputation, but like if that's your choice, like that sounds like a really great... opportunity.”