Enjoy our remodeled format. There's a new serif in town. Volume 5, Issue 1
Wednesday, August 25, 2008
$65 a share
Welcome Class of 1992!
Greetings, students. I'm your Chancellor - Chancellor Mark Stephen Wrighton VI. I serve as the university's chief executive officer, caretaker of the prodigious endowment, and literal and symbolic figurehead for all that George Washington stood for. I'm also one of the founding members of the Council of Presidents of The Washington Center, chair of the Business-Higher Education Forum (BHEF), and on the board of directors of the Missouri Botanical Gardens. My wife is often referred to as "a fox." In essence, you may see me
as the pinnacle of human aspirations, or the ubermensch as predicated in Nietzschean philosophy. But enough about me! Circumstance dictates that this day is about you: Washington University's Class of 1995! What an exciting time for you to be temporary guests at my university. The Cold War has just concluded. In many integral ways, this is a triumph for mankind and a victory for freedom. But namby-pamby bullshit aside, the expansion of human rights and equality of opportunity into the Soviet Bloc has dealt a crushing blow to Washington University's investment index in third-world coal mining. It's the Berlin Wall all over again, and speaking from personal experience, my portfolio still hasn't recovered. Keep in mind, students, that the world does not run on the dewy-eyed idealism that you'll all fall prey to over the next four years. The churning engine of capitalism does not run on hugs. It runs on profitable suffering, and you'll do well to remember that amidst your orgies and frolicking. I suggest you all hope for the reinstatement of tyranny if you want a pool on the quad, or the return of study abroad opportunities in Iraq.
About 50 students gathered at the academic year's first Campus Programming Council-sponsored "Happy Hour" Thursday afternoon to protest the choice of St. Louis Brewing Company's Schlafly Pale Ale as "beer of the week." "I've seen plenty of stupid protests at WashU: the SWC hunger strike which had eating shifts, the Alberto Gonzalez protest, the time the bondage club people chained themselves to the chancellor's desk to get better funding," said Donnie Muransky, president of CPC, "but never a protest of free beer." According to witnesses, the protesters individually cut into Happy Hour's keg line, to the disgruntlement of students that arrived early to get the coldest, freest beer. As each protestor reached the beer-pouring station, he or she turned his or her back on the overweight, unshaven B&D guard manning the tap and paused for three seconds before moving up the line to receive free Pointers pizza. "We believe we have sent a strong message that while the university might, we won't sanction the archconservative, regressive propaganda of [brew master] Tom Schlafly," said protest organizer Kim Pasternack. Attorney Tom Schlafly became a local celebrity in 1991 when he began producing his namesake beer in St. Louis, a city long known for its lack of commercial alcohol manufacturers.
Since the microbrewery's opening, Schlafly has gained notoriety both for his brand's wide selection of seasonal flavors as well as his controversial public advocacy of beer's traditional place in the household. His 1986 manifesto asserted, "beer belongs in the kitchen, not in the workplace." "I'm not sure these kids have the palette maturity to graduate college. They don't have an idea of the scale of the societal threat," said Schlafly from the brewery's bottling plant, built at 2100 Broadway within the crumbling, iconic former confines of the now defunct Schmidt Dildo Factory. "Look at Anheuser-Busch. One morning you wake up and the traditional place of beer in America is just beginning its slide down the slippery slope with Bud energy this and Bud lime that, and the next morning you're yes-men to BrazilianBelgian socialists." Since the protest, the University's administration has come under fire from students and faculty who accuse Brookings of implicitly endorsing Schlafly by allowing CPC to purchase the keg with Student Union funds, which are derived from tuition. In response, Chancellor Mark Wrighton sent an e-mail affirming that the choice of Schlafly Pale Ale as "beer of the week" was not "an endorsement of Mr. Schlafly's political views, but a recognition of the way he opened public discourse regarding the role of Amber-colored, medium-
Our magnanimous chancellor.
And of course, we have a presidential election coming up! In case you're illiterate, the election features the well-groomed George Herbert Walker Bush against Bill "The Plebian" Clinton. From Arkansas! He might as well be black. What's next? A rock star? A black rock star? This is what we get for extending the vote to the unwashed masses. Thank God I'll be dead before you imbeciles destroy what's left of the American soul. But who cares. None of you are going to be history majors. You're here to facilitate the acquisition of a trophy wife and a house in the suburbs, and forgo any sense of responsibility for four years. Well, drink it up, students. Drink up the potent elixir of youth and sexual capacity. It'll be gone before you know it, and you'll be left with nothing but missed opportunities with Harvard, failing investments in global acquisitions, and spending all year awaiting Brooks Brothers' summer sale on flannel. I'm Chancellor Wrighton. Start sending in your donations. Enjoy your respite from real life, buy from the bookstore, and remember: anyone who walks on my lawn will be prosecuted for trespassing.
Ratemyprofessor.com: Russian Lit Adjunct Prof "Czary Hot" STL Gently Rocked to Sleep by 3.2 Earthquake The Record Proclaims DUC Unsinkable
Students Protest Schlafly at CPC Happy Hour
Olympics: Chinese Hang Attempted Base Stealer 1 Hurt, 1 Killed in WUPD Club Car Rollover A lone protestor refuses a free cup of golden, subsidized Schlafly Pale Ale. bodied British-style ales possessing a smooth, mildly-hoppy character within modern American society." Overall, student reaction to the protest has been negative. "Of all the things I've done in fraternity basements just for a Keystone Light," said Kristin Tenburn, visibly shuddering, "turning your back on free alcohol, so to speak, just isn't smart." "What a bunch of fruits" said square-jawed football captain Marc Anderson during practice at Francis Field. When asked if the protest group would continue to organize, Pasternack answered affirmatively. "Rumor has it that next week's choice is Fosters. Do you know what the Australian government, who makes millions of dollars off of the sale of Fosters, has done to the beautiful culture of the aborigines?" Fosters Lager is a product of the Miller Brewing Company and is brewed in Fort Worth, TX.
Liberals Prefer Obama in November
Princeton Review: Eng Department "Slavishly Moribund, Starkly Quixotic" Biology Dept. Sets Elaborate, Year-Long Trap
Volume 5, Issue 1
Wednesday, August 25, 2008
Utah Jazz Draft WU Jew
Number 3 pick Dwayne Marcus goes over the top of Feinstein at the 2008 NBA combine. Washington University student and longtime Jew Zach Feinstein received some stunning news on NBA Draft night, as the Utah Jazz drafted him in the first round with the 23rd overall pick of the draft. Feinstein heard the news when his overly protective mother, Esther, placed a call to his cell phone just minutes after NBA commissioner
David Stern phoned the Feinstein household to congratulate the rising senior and eternal complainer. "She told me a 'wonderful sounding rabbi' called to congratulate me on becoming a member of the Jazz," recalls Feinstein. "Then she yelled at me for trying to drop out of school to join up with 'those potsmoking, negro musicians." Feinstein initially entered the NBA draft - an annual event held at Madison Square Garden in New York to determine which awkward behemoth of a man will get paid the most to sit on a chair in an air-conditioned arena - as a joke with his friends at WUSTL. He even created a website, www.draftfeinstein.com, to track his made-up stats and the press his gag received. The joke turned sour, however, when the Jazz mistakenly submitted Feinstein's name to Stern instead of that of Zachen Feinstevic, a 6'11", 270 lb. power forward from Croatia. According to an anonymous Jazz official, the mix-up occurred when the Jazz's 66-year-old coach, Jerry Sloan, forgot not only about the draft but that he was even a basketball coach and that it was not, in fact, 1971. "We called him about the draft," said another team official, "and he kept screaming, 'They can't send Jerry back to 'Nam! No sir!'" The official added, "When we explained we were talking about the 2008 NBA Draft, he just replied, 'Take the
biggest white guy. No need for another [chocolate face] like Malone." Once the Jazz mistakenly drafted the wrong player, the shrewd Feinstein, aware that he "is awful at basketball," called Stern to try to get the mix-up fixed. But the beaming commissioner, a Jew himself, refused to reverse the decision. Instead, Stern spoke of his excitement at a Jew entering the league in a "non-administrative position that actually requires talent" and talked of a "Jewish revolution in basketball not seen since the Harlem Globetrotters' first rival, the Manhattan Menschs." The Menschs famously disbanded in 1929 after Morty "The Mitzvah" Goldstein refused to go Dutch on a meal in which he only ordered one piece of brisket. Stern's excitement, however, has not been echoed by the media, who have been extremely critical of the Jazz's screw-up. Said TNT analyst and future diabetic Charles Barkley, "That's jus' crazy, draftin' a little Jew-guy. He could probly make some good Jew food for the team, the latkes and the falafels, that's delicious. But as a player? That's just trrrbl." Not all, however, believe the acquisition of Feinstein to be a disaster. Former Knicks GM Isaiah Thomas has been trying to convince the New York team to trade for Feinstein. "Think about what having a Jew will
Reasons We Hate Freshman 6% Killed our parents
5% 8%
Contractually bound
Hope
27%
Lanyards
35%
9% Class
Legal concerns regarding penetration
Baiting
3% Get best pages in The Hatchet 7% Too Intellectual
do to our revenue," said Thomas. "All our Jewish season ticket holders will upgrade to courtside seats so they can gossip about Zach in loud voices meant for him to obviously hear." Thomas then slapped a female marketing executive on the ass and begged her to taste "just a schtickle of my matzah balls." For his part, Feinstevic, who was selected two picks later by the Houston Rockets, has had little to say on the matter. In an interview with ESPN.com, his only comment was, "I must break Jew."
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as a UFC title-fight. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious ‌ at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional.
Chiefs of Staff Aleya Broadway Chief Petty Officer Elizabeth Romaner Chief of Making Shit Pretty Jason Feldman Master Chief Dennis Mickley Ghost of Chiefs Past --Scott Drattell Bobby Harvey Danny McCullough Helmut Schmidt We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or obfuscate, email us at wundergr@su.wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!
Volume 5, Issue 1
Wednesday, August 25, 2008
Who's Performing on Campus? Which up-and-coming comedian is performing this month courtesy Campus Programing Whatever?
In It For The Long Haul
I know what you guys are thinking: I'm just an innocent freshman Chris Helmholz, who doesn't Class of 2012 know anything about life or girls. But you're wrong. My girlfriend and I are perfect for each other. The foundation of our relationship couldn't be stronger, because it's built on the bedrock of shared experience, proximity, and limited options. When we met, we were innocent; Sophomores without a care in the world, but next thing I know, it's time for college. We went from adolescence to post-adolescence together, chemistry through calculus side by side! Without her, I wouldn't have grown up appreciating the silent cooing sound she makes while she sleeps on the phone and without me, she wouldn't know how sexy she looks in a jean skirt and I wouldn't know how great I look in a jean jacket. Well, everyone told me the inevitable end was coming, and that we should break-up for college, but I still had my doubts. I mean, after seeing this girl two nights a week for almost three years, I know who she is. I'd even challenge other guys to flirt with her, I'm so sure of our relationship and my chest-thumping virility. We had a pretty intense physical relationship, and whether it was her coarse, calloused palms or my misjudgment of diameters, we worked each other raw every time our arms ventured south. "Whoa, slow down Froshie," you're probably saying. "Just 'cause
you score with her doesn't mean she's your soul mate!" Well, guys, in this case, it does. She's always wanted to fall in love with her high-school sweetheart and get married, and from this two years of weekend-bliss, I know I'm prepared for the lifetime commitment. After the prom mix-up and the year-book fiasco (I was only draping my arms around Annie Dratford, not hugging her!) I feel like we've withstood the test of trials and then some. I'm no fool, though, and I know the road won't be easy. I understand she's pretty, and she's going to have a lot of guys around her all day, even living next to her, but none of these guys close to her know her like I do. I mean, were they a shoulder to cry on when Nicole alienated her from the group? Were they there when Mrs. Whitney mis-averaged her history grade? The answer is no, and though you guys may be doubters, I'll be sure to send you the wedding invitations after we graduate. Hell, when I go to visit her next week, she already said she's excited to introduce me to her new friends Chad, Brett, J.C., Jeff, Brick, and Chunk, all members of the U of State football team. I know we're gonna have a great time at Six Flags, because it sounds like they all work there. She keeps talking about the train they run together. They even give her meal points because she always talks about how they fill her up all day. I was wary at first because she was getting all this male attention, but with friends like those guys, I can't complain. I'm just glad they look after her.
Can I Borrow Your Copy of Tuesday’s Student Life? Hey dude. Did you get a Nate Benson, copy of Class of 2012 today's StudLife? If you did, it would be awesome if I could borrow it when you're done. I got one Monday, but I totally forgot to grab one today. Once I remembered, they were all gone. Come to think of it, I couldn't find a copy of today's StudLife anywhere. Not stuck to the floor in the big auditoriums. Not folded over the handicap rails in the library's bathroom stalls. If all else fails, I can usually depend on there being at least one
pile of unread newspapers creating a fire safety hazard in Whispers, but not today. No papers wadded up, strewn about or blithely discarded. It's almost as if the Tuesday edition of Student Life never even existed. I hope this doesn't happen again. I feel obligated as a responsible citizen of this community to stay educated, and StudLife is my source for the hard-hitting news that will impact me for seconds to come. I'll have to make up by reading Thursday's edition extra hard.
Combine any first name from column A with any last name from column B and you're probably right! Remember, you're sure you've heard of him before, you just can't place the name with a face!
Column A
Column B
Lisa
Baker
Jon
R.T. Joe
Dave
Philips Wang
Schulz Leroy
09/30/08: __________ _________ , star of a canceled web series! 11/09/08: __________ _________ , who served jury duty with Jerry Seinfeld! 01/24/09: __________ _________ : gay and loving it! 04/07/09: __________ _________ , “I hope I can pay my rent!" (cancelled due to scheduling conflicts with petting zoo)
Wrighton Pleased with D.U.C. Puns
The Chancellor's Office issued a press release Monday morning expressing Chancellor Mark Wrighton's excitement over the official abbreviation of the new, $350 million William H. and Elizabeth Gray Danforth Center, or DUC. The release addressed the abbreviation's potential for employment in metaphors, turns-of-phrase and colloquialisms in the Chancellor's communiques to students, parents, faculty, and the university's dronelike administrative staff. Issued on the same university letterhead used by Wrighton to endorse, distance himself from, and again endorse awarding Phyllis Schlafly an honorary doctorate, Wrighton stated, "Not since the Student Union's publication of 'Bearings' and its counterpart 'WU are You?' campaign have I been so ecstatic about the possibility of using an expression in my wholesome and enlightening addresses, speeches, and tuition-increase letters." Extolling on the oratory assets of the new abbreviation, Wrighton added, "'DUC' and its phonetic similarities to the common name of a certain migratory, water-dwelling fowl present limitless opportunities in using humor to woo and capture my audiences in ways that free pizza cannot."
The Chancellor's memo stated that obvious phrases like "DUC-DUC Goose" and having "all of his DUCs in a row" would be common presences in orations, but that lesserknown, more clever witticisms would be implemented as well. In the statement, Wrighton cited as evidence his annual address at the spring alumnae luncheon in which he claimed the University did not plan to build "DUCs Unlimited," and that the University Center's construction proved that he was not just sitting on their contributions like some kind of "Scrooge McDUC." A Chancellory aide, speaking on condition of anonymity, reported that the answering machine connected to the Chancellor's fake telephone line was beseiged with calls in response to the memo. Alarmed parents phoned the fake line late Tuesday afternoon, concerned that Wrighton would attempt to relate to students by using the dreaded, obviously-rhyming obscenity "fuck," or would speak to their children claiming that he was "down with the D-U-C, yeah, you know me." In response, the Chancellor issued a follow-up notice via efficient, electronic message that his "stodgy, antiquated sense of humor couldn't begin to grasp such phrasings."
“The DUC stops here” noted Chancellor Wrighton in his orientation welcome speech
Volume 5, Issue 1
“Vintage” Tees are a must for classes.
Wednesday, August 25, 2008
VOGUE
Even though you were never a member of the AE Surf Team & you don’t actually listen to the Rolling Stones, continue to show your support for these causes by wearing their t-shirts. Bonus points issued for actual vintage. Try Rag-O-Rama on the Loop.
Buy Uggs in every color. When Uggs come up, however, be sure to say how much you hate them. They are ugly & you just can’t stand it when girls wear them with a mini- skirt!!!!! Make sure you are not wearing Uggs and a miniskirt when you say this. You don’t want to look silly.
There is no Forever 21 at the Galleria.
Bring all of your pants home on Thanksgiving.
This means that when you are home on Fall Break, you must stock up on $12 “boob shirts” to wear to the frats. Remember that because of Facebook photos, it is now socially unacceptable to wear an article of clothing more than once.
This leaves more room in your closet for practical winter garments such as leggings, flip-flops and more leggings.
Bear’s Den + Beer WILL make you fat.
Converse All Stars.
Therefore, don’t buy anything you like too much. It will just make you sad when it no longer fits. For great ideas on dressing your new figure, check out a Pea in the Pod at the Galleria. They have super cute jeans with elastic waistbands!
If you don’t already own these that means you are not a pseudohipster and you are not cut out for life at a university. Head down to Brookings Room 331 right now and get the paperwork started. You can be home by next weekend.
Best Friends I Just Met 1. Daniel Klotzman; Manhasset, NY 2. Chaim Mendelbaum; Manhasset, NY 3. Marc Schneidenberg; Manhasset, NY 4. Arnold Feinman; Manhasset, NY 5. Meira Goldwitzberg; Manhasset, NY 6. Seth Cohen; Newport, CA 7. Avi Steinbergmanstein; Manhasset, NY 8. Leah Abramowitz; New Rochelle, NY 9. Michael Goldfarbsachs; Manhasset, NY 10. Theodore Epstein; Newton, MA 11. Bill Brasky; Chicago, IL
Given the American media's nonchalant coverage of Lindsay Lohan's sapphic tryst with starlet Sam Ronson and Katy Perry's hit single "I Kissed a Girl" ruling the pop charts for 32 weeks, it seems that the nation has become quietly acceptant of lesbianism. What do you think?
Alan Peisors, Class of 2009, Only Child
"I just spent my summer as a Midwestern, lesbian household in The Sims 2: Free Time."
John McCain, Senator, Future Senator
“When will Senator Obama admit that the surge in lesbians worked?”
Freddy Tarmac, Doc Martens Executive, Watch Collector
Pat Ferguson, Order of Omega, SU Senator
The Joker, Smoker, Midnight Toker
“GBLT, looks more like $$$$ to me!”
"I confine my bisexuality “Why ... so ... bi-curious?” to my fraternity."