Enjoy our remodeled format. There's a new serif in town. Volume 5, Issue 1
Wednesday, August 25, 2008
$65 a share
Welcome Class of 1992!
Greetings, students. I'm your Chancellor - Chancellor Mark Stephen Wrighton VI. I serve as the university's chief executive officer, caretaker of the prodigious endowment, and literal and symbolic figurehead for all that George Washington stood for. I'm also one of the founding members of the Council of Presidents of The Washington Center, chair of the Business-Higher Education Forum (BHEF), and on the board of directors of the Missouri Botanical Gardens. My wife is often referred to as "a fox." In essence, you may see me
as the pinnacle of human aspirations, or the ubermensch as predicated in Nietzschean philosophy. But enough about me! Circumstance dictates that this day is about you: Washington University's Class of 1995! What an exciting time for you to be temporary guests at my university. The Cold War has just concluded. In many integral ways, this is a triumph for mankind and a victory for freedom. But namby-pamby bullshit aside, the expansion of human rights and equality of opportunity into the Soviet Bloc has dealt a crushing blow to Washington University's investment index in third-world coal mining. It's the Berlin Wall all over again, and speaking from personal experience, my portfolio still hasn't recovered. Keep in mind, students, that the world does not run on the dewy-eyed idealism that you'll all fall prey to over the next four years. The churning engine of capitalism does not run on hugs. It runs on profitable suffering, and you'll do well to remember that amidst your orgies and frolicking. I suggest you all hope for the reinstatement of tyranny if you want a pool on the quad, or the return of study abroad opportunities in Iraq.
About 50 students gathered at the academic year's first Campus Programming Council-sponsored "Happy Hour" Thursday afternoon to protest the choice of St. Louis Brewing Company's Schlafly Pale Ale as "beer of the week." "I've seen plenty of stupid protests at WashU: the SWC hunger strike which had eating shifts, the Alberto Gonzalez protest, the time the bondage club people chained themselves to the chancellor's desk to get better funding," said Donnie Muransky, president of CPC, "but never a protest of free beer." According to witnesses, the protesters individually cut into Happy Hour's keg line, to the disgruntlement of students that arrived early to get the coldest, freest beer. As each protestor reached the beer-pouring station, he or she turned his or her back on the overweight, unshaven B&D guard manning the tap and paused for three seconds before moving up the line to receive free Pointers pizza. "We believe we have sent a strong message that while the university might, we won't sanction the archconservative, regressive propaganda of [brew master] Tom Schlafly," said protest organizer Kim Pasternack. Attorney Tom Schlafly became a local celebrity in 1991 when he began producing his namesake beer in St. Louis, a city long known for its lack of commercial alcohol manufacturers.
Since the microbrewery's opening, Schlafly has gained notoriety both for his brand's wide selection of seasonal flavors as well as his controversial public advocacy of beer's traditional place in the household. His 1986 manifesto asserted, "beer belongs in the kitchen, not in the workplace." "I'm not sure these kids have the palette maturity to graduate college. They don't have an idea of the scale of the societal threat," said Schlafly from the brewery's bottling plant, built at 2100 Broadway within the crumbling, iconic former confines of the now defunct Schmidt Dildo Factory. "Look at Anheuser-Busch. One morning you wake up and the traditional place of beer in America is just beginning its slide down the slippery slope with Bud energy this and Bud lime that, and the next morning you're yes-men to BrazilianBelgian socialists." Since the protest, the University's administration has come under fire from students and faculty who accuse Brookings of implicitly endorsing Schlafly by allowing CPC to purchase the keg with Student Union funds, which are derived from tuition. In response, Chancellor Mark Wrighton sent an e-mail affirming that the choice of Schlafly Pale Ale as "beer of the week" was not "an endorsement of Mr. Schlafly's political views, but a recognition of the way he opened public discourse regarding the role of Amber-colored, medium-
Our magnanimous chancellor.
And of course, we have a presidential election coming up! In case you're illiterate, the election features the well-groomed George Herbert Walker Bush against Bill "The Plebian" Clinton. From Arkansas! He might as well be black. What's next? A rock star? A black rock star? This is what we get for extending the vote to the unwashed masses. Thank God I'll be dead before you imbeciles destroy what's left of the American soul. But who cares. None of you are going to be history majors. You're here to facilitate the acquisition of a trophy wife and a house in the suburbs, and forgo any sense of responsibility for four years. Well, drink it up, students. Drink up the potent elixir of youth and sexual capacity. It'll be gone before you know it, and you'll be left with nothing but missed opportunities with Harvard, failing investments in global acquisitions, and spending all year awaiting Brooks Brothers' summer sale on flannel. I'm Chancellor Wrighton. Start sending in your donations. Enjoy your respite from real life, buy from the bookstore, and remember: anyone who walks on my lawn will be prosecuted for trespassing.
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Students Protest Schlafly at CPC Happy Hour
Olympics: Chinese Hang Attempted Base Stealer 1 Hurt, 1 Killed in WUPD Club Car Rollover A lone protestor refuses a free cup of golden, subsidized Schlafly Pale Ale. bodied British-style ales possessing a smooth, mildly-hoppy character within modern American society." Overall, student reaction to the protest has been negative. "Of all the things I've done in fraternity basements just for a Keystone Light," said Kristin Tenburn, visibly shuddering, "turning your back on free alcohol, so to speak, just isn't smart." "What a bunch of fruits" said square-jawed football captain Marc Anderson during practice at Francis Field. When asked if the protest group would continue to organize, Pasternack answered affirmatively. "Rumor has it that next week's choice is Fosters. Do you know what the Australian government, who makes millions of dollars off of the sale of Fosters, has done to the beautiful culture of the aborigines?" Fosters Lager is a product of the Miller Brewing Company and is brewed in Fort Worth, TX.
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