"The end result of WashU not having a journalism school."
The Throwback Issue
The Past
WebSTAC to Merge with Facebook
Computing and Information Services (CIS) announced Monday that WebSTAC, the essential online student resource, will merge with the the popular social networking site Facebook as early as next week. "We know what students want," said Information Services spokesperson Sally Dinderfield. "Facebook is the hippest thing about college life these days, LOL, and we just wanted a piece of that enthusiasm." CIS states that the move is designed to keep students aware of changes in important calendar dates and remind them to update their information regularly. In a brave move, WebSTAC has decided to incorporate the entire feature set of Facebook, including the new and highly controversial "Feed" elements. Final grades, meal point deductions, and academic holds will be plastered on the front page for a person's friends to browse. When asked about the possible backlash for posting this sensitive material, Dinderfield responded "Privacy controls regarding these features will be implemented sometime in the future." Analysts estimate "the future" to be at least 10 years away. As to be expected, the student response is mixed. Opinions range from unbridled rage, to utter disdain, to bridled rage. "How could they make this stuff public?" stressed Mary Dell, a sophomore in the Business School. "It's one thing to display my drunken photos publicly, but
Quite Free STO C K M AR KE T FO RE C A ST
Burdensome loans with a chance of disappearing inheritance
A screenshot from the test run of the hotly anticipated WebSTAC/Facebook merger.
my academic advisors? That's going too far." One student, upon hearing the announcement early Monday, went so far as to attempt suicide by leaping off the roof of Mallinckrodt Center (see Student Learns he is Invincible Following Suicide Attempt, page 142). A minority on campus, some students are actually quite pleased with the prospective changes. "I'll be able to see what grades my friends really got." said super-senior Will Nittle. "I bet they are all lying about doing well in school, like I do to all my friends." The changeover is also a surprise to much of the student body. No polls or surveys were administered prior to the announcement, and news surrounding the plans were secretive. An anonymous student who works with CIS is quoted as saying, "I can't tell you anything." Students will be able to access the new interface at facebook.com by clicking on "WebSTAC" in the left sidebar. Design changes should be rather noticeable,
as the front page will soon feature a large box titled "Other People's Highly Sensitive Academic Information." "This is only the beginning" smirked Dinderfield, "We are working with Student Financial Services and ResTech to include billing information and web browsing records into the WebSTAC/Facebook system." Restech, on the other hand, has denied these statements. At least that's what Joe Needley, Head Network Technician, had to say in our recent AIM-based interview: WUnderground: Will you be supplying browsing information to the new "social" WebSTAC? ResTech: [ERROR] Connection Denied - Cannot connect through socket [0x449ab03] All written complaints regarding the new system should be given to an RA or academic advisor, who, in all likelihood, will brush them under the rug.
Universityʼs Endowment Takes Hit As Poker Night Goes Awry for Chancellor Wrighton
ceived an invitation from Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers to play poker with the “bad boys of the Ivy League,” specifically, the presidents of Harvard, Yale, Princeton, Columbia, Dartmouth, Penn, and Cornell. As always, each president bought in with his university's endowment. Affectionately referred to as the “Poker Menace of the Midwest” by his loving spouse, Wrighton proved to be anything but menacing in his Ivy League debut. “Our endowment was around four billion dollars!” exclaimed Wrighton. “I truly did not believe Chancellor Wrighton, trying to maintain his composure after being called on a there was any way I could have lost $36.8 million bluff by Harvard President Lawrence H. Summers. as much as I did.” counterparts. The mood was somber late Commented Student Union Chancellor Wrighton, an avid Friday night, as Chancellor Mark S. President Neil Patel, “What Wrighton Wrighton and his closest associates fan of Texas Hold-Em, became failed to take into account was that grimaced at what remained of Wash- bored of weekly poker nights with Harvard's endowment of $22 billion President Lawrence Biondi of Saint was more than five times that of ington University's endowment. Wrighton lost what is estimated to be Louis University, President Henry Bi- Wash U, while Yale's endowment about $1.2 billion of the Washington enen of Northwestern, and President hovered around $13 billion. It was University endowment in a “friendly James W. Wagner of Emory. Early CONTINUED ON PG. 2 last week, Chancellor Wrighton repoker game” with his Ivy League
Buried WUnderground: Committed Couple Uses Winter Break to Take Time Off, Cheat Architecture Students Swears to Kill Roomates as Soon as He Has Time
Bookstore Introduces New “Price Rollup” Program
Student Finds Table at Whispers ʻThe Onionʼ Ripped Off
Dusty Car in Parking Garage Enlivened by Amusing Obscenity Clocktower Goes Digital
RA: Floor Soap-Opera Better than TV Equivalent
The Throwback Issue
The Past
WU to Introduce “Interchangeable Facades”
Yesterday, in an estructures. mail to the entire student Wrighton says “interbody of Washington changeable facade techUniversity, Chancellor nology has applications to Mark Wrighton areas other than main announced the most campus as well, due to its recent of his ambitious ability to quickly adapt to plans to renovate the new styles and fads. “On campus: interchangeable the South 40, for example,” snap-on facades. This explained Wrighton, “interinnovation, as the changeable facades mean chancellor explained, we no longer have to tear “will provide WUʼs main down poorly-constructed campus with a sorelydormitories every twenty years to respond to current needed literal facelift ... approximately six times trends. Instead, we can per year.” build poorly-designed The term “snap-on permanent structures and facade” was coined by merely change their fronts.” professors at the WU While critics note that The current “Collegiate Gothic Facade” (top left) School of Architecture interchangeable facades Frank Gehry-style “Deconstructivist Facade” (top right) and refers to the confocus on outward expresApril Welcome “Flower Facade” (bottom left) struction methods of new sion, and do nothing to imHalloween “Scary Ghost Facade” (bottom right) buildings on main camprove the programs of the pus, in which after the structural shell the year. “We plan to stick with the buildings themselves, advocates of Collegiate Gothic style for graduation the plan say the chancellor should of a new building is constructed, and parentsʼ weekend,” said gaudy false masonry fronts are not be criticized for trying to improve Wrighton, “but for Halloween, for literally snapped into place on the the schoolʼs image. “They plant example, weʼll replace them with buildingʼs exterior. Wrighton flowers and trees for April Welcome haunted house facades, and at WILD and then remove them,” said senior admitted that his interchangeablethere will be large lettering set into facade idea was inspired partially by Patricia Donnelly, “there is no reason hearing this terminology, and partially the walls of each building reminding not to insert colorful, flowery-looking students to drink responsibly.” by watching Foxʼs hit TV show The building faces in April as well.” Wrighton added that at times when Swan. The first scheduled “face shift” no people of importance are visiting The plan itself involves will occur on April 1, and all facade physically removing the facades from campus, all facades will simply be maintenance will be handled by Top removed and put into storage, buildings, and replacing them with Care. facades of different styles throughout exposing the buildingsʼ raw, concrete
Universityʼs New Changes Planned for Endowment WU Right After You Leave Takes Hit CONTINUED FROM PG. 1
obvious that they were going to bullyhim around.” Nevertheless, excited about the prospect of strengthening the University's national reputation, as well as his own, Wrighton flew to Boston early Friday morning. “Those boys schooled and tooled us,” said Vice Chancellor John E. Klein. “When I saw Mark walking out of the room openly weeping, I knew something had gone terribly wrong.” “The only reason we invited him was because we knew he sat on one of the biggest endowments in the nation,” said Harvard President Summers. “I'm surprised he actually came to play. It's almost as if he thought he was one of us.” Continued Summers, “His game was horrendous. Even Cornell managed to win a few million off Mark.” The actual damage to the University's endowment was approximately $1.2 billion. Many at the University were shocked at Wrighton's reckless behavior. Said freshman Redford Jones, “I'm just looking out for my future. Without a massive endowment to pad our U.S. News ranking, I might as well drop my upcoming pre-med applications and start hunting for manual laboring jobs. And I have a delicate constitution.” The University will hold a meeting this week to decide whether it should raise tuition another 5.2% in order to ameliorate the loss of funds.
What Reality Shows Would We Like to See on WUTV? Who Want to Bone My Roommate?
25%
Jewish American Princess Survivor: East St. Louis
3%
50%
Joe Mealpointmillionaire
9%
The Mudd Slinger
40%
13%
The Chancellor
When Squirrels Attack
B-School Eye for the Art School Guy
3%
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Tom Sizemoreʼs career prospects. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious… at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional. Dennis Mickley Commander in Chief Bill Brasky Chief Petty Officer Arj Chief Import Elizabeth Romaner Empress of Japan Jason Feldman Master Chief Chiefs of Staff:
Chancellor Wrighton enjoying the ballpit at the “Wrighton-Zone Discovery and Fun Center,” which is currently closed to the public.
In response to the sewage leaks at Wohl Center last month, the University has announced its intention to completely revamp and renew old buildings in the next three and a half years. The ʻthree and a half year plan,ʼ as administrators are calling it, is timed so that none of the benefits will be felt by students currently attending Washington University. The administrationʼs attitude as expressed in this press release is not unique to Wohl. WU has recently taken the initiative to begin many new long-term projects that will undoubtedly improve the quality of student life upon their completion, including the new social sciences building, the Danforth Studentsʼ Center, and the Purina Pub. All of the projects can currently be recognized by their giant, gaping holes and
seven-foot tall construction fencing and will remain so until around the time that all current undergraduate students have graduated and vacated the campus. This, however, is only the beginning. Blueprints have begun to be drawn for a campus-wide high-speed tube transportation system, a 400,000-seat domed sports arena, and the first ever large-scale, weather controlling dome, which is projected to encircle the entire WU campus by 2012. Some have complained that while looking towards the future, WU has neglected its current students, asserting that if they have to deal with construction zones and increased tuition to fund these projects, they should get something out of it. The WU administration,
Aleya Broadway Jeremy Carroll Bobby Harvey Leah Marks Danny McCullough Nora Tane and all those who have gone before us: Tomer Cohen Lee Dunfield Tommy Honton Aaron Seligman Sam Stribling We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or immolate, email us at wundergr@su.wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!
The Throwback Issue
Terrence Sharbo Debate Escalates Terrence Sharbo, sophomore in Arts and Sciences and Hurd 3 resident, has been fast asleep and generally unresponsive for the last 15 hours. A debate has arisen amongst his friends over whether or not to wake him up: his suitemates argue that he has a frisbee game to go to and if he doesn't wake up he'll miss it. Meanwhile, his girlfriend – freshman Michelle Shandeling – feels differently. “He's just so tired,” she stated emphatically. “He pulled two all-nighters to finish this term paper on time. It would be so inhumane to wake him up. He has every right to wake up completely naturally, and nobody should interfere with that.” Many feel that whether or not he remains asleep is ultimately unimportant. The real question is, does he even want to be woken up? “If he were awake right now, I'm absolutely confident he'd tell me not to wake him up,” bawled Michelle. Support groups are awakening on both sides of the debate. Picketers on the Quad have been caryying “Culture of Conscious Awareness” signs, while holding radio alarm clock tests. Conversely, those who support Michelle are choosing to remain in bed. Reaction as a whole to Terrence's situation is so widespread that students are leaving notes for other suitemates, and setting
The Past
New Changes Planned for WU Right After You Leave CONTINUED FROM PG. 2
Terrence Sharbo sleeps in his Hurd 3 dorm as the rest of campus debates whether or not to wake him up. multiple alarm clocks whenever they consider lying down for a nap. “God forbid this should ever happen to me!” said architecture student James Winger. “I go to sleep all the time! From now on, I'm going to take all the necessary precautions. I suppose all this really stresses the importance of valuing your friends and telling them what they can do for you before you go to sleep.” The argument has become so convoluted that it has been handed over to the Congress of the South 40 to make a final decision. Little progress has been made, as
Parking Update
In response to the growing number of concerns over the amount of parking on campus, and the increased amount of ticketing, the University recently announced plans to overhaul the parking system as a whole. What are some of the changes?
Congress' only resolution has been to remove Terrence's blankets, thus giving him a slight chill. This raised cries of alarm and protest from supporters who were still awake. Internal bickering over what has been dubbed “The Terrence Bill” has slowed proceedings further, and half the congress members have gone to bed themselves. For round the clock surveillance, and to connect with supporters and donors, a webcam has been set up by Michelle at www.keepterrenceasleep.com.
Rush to English Dictionary Rush
• Architecture school lot to be closed, dug into. • Undergraduates allow to park only at West Campus. • University to pave quad, add access through Brookings Archway • Platinum parking pass for Chancellor • Free parking on all campus lots available between 2:30am - 5:30am daily (subject to change). • Prospective students and families to receive universal parking priority pass. • University to introduce trolley line from the South Forty to main campus.
English
He is very introspective.
He stands there not saying anything being awkward as shit.
Remember, she is a legacy.
While she will be hated by every sister, we must give her a bid.
I am interested in community service.
I am not interested in community service.
That rush even was awesome!
That rush event did not follow IFC regulations.
I canʼt speak on behalf of the other sororities ...
They are a bunch of tramps.
She has a strong personality.
She is very ugly.
He is very athletic.
He can endure a lot of hazing.
• New parking meters to accept Sacagawea golden dollars • Business school parking lot to require Gold pass. Lot to allow only BMWs, Lexus, and SUVʼs.
however, has declared the current class a “lose cause” and sees no point in rewarding students, since they have already signed housing countracts and paid tuition. “We actually completed construction on the new ʻWrighton-Zone Discovery and Fun Center,” admitted one official, “I canʼt wait until the current senior class graduates so we can open it!” Though equally unapologetic, Chancellor Mark Wrighton expressed his appreciation to the current students for their patience. Iʼm very excited about these new endeavors and would like to thank the current students for funding them,” said Wrighton. “Regrettably, none of these projects will be realized until just after you have all graduated, but as a token of my appreciation, youʼre all free to come back and observe the new campus whenever you like so that you may live vicariously through the new WU students.” The Chancellor added, “Just be sure to keep sending us money.”
The Throwback Issue
The Past
POINT
COUNTER-POINT
Patrick “Frat Pat” Ferguson, Undergraduate
Dylan Plessy, Graduate Student
The longer I'm at WashU, it seems the less satisfied I am with the decisions being handed down by Brookings. From crane proliferation to parking spot reductio, I've found myself questioning whether or not the Wrighton administration is actually doing anything positive for the school. However, the institutionalization of segregated library facilities for graduate students is something I can really get behind! Those graduate students need to understand that they're in the minority. Someone needs to put them in their place, and I'm glad our Chancellor was the man to do it. This policy assures that graduate students aren't taking up the under-grad man's space with their “research materials” and stressed out mannerisms. This pretentious group of assholes need to realize they're not the only ones with stuff to do. What are you crying about, getting two years to write a glorified research paper? Excuse me, two years to write your “thesis.” Yeah, well, I've got a beer pong tournament bracket to print out, so stay the fuck off the undergrad man's computer. In fact, most of you are basically getting paid to go to school. You need to realize who's paying your bills, mister graduate. It's the back-breaking work of the undergrad man's parents that allows you to have your precious study rooms. D oyou think my dad loves driving his Bentley to the hedge fun knowing that the forty grand he's going to make today is giong to keep you comfortable, you societal parasite? Wrighton is getting back on track with setting this school straight, and I'm going to tell him so at the next Danforth whatever dedication.
Now is the semester of my discontent. A mere three months after havinge mbarked upon my quest to delicately teaes the Chinese origins of the lexical set originally containing the word “scrotum” from Trans-Siberian medieval literature, WashU has dealt a blow to graduate students that is forcing me to resign my admission to the university. The segregation of graduate students from undergraduates in the Olin library is the beginning of a slippery slope that hints of Jim Crow. If such abhorrent policies are allowed, what other sorts of mandates will emanate from Brookings? Moving graduate students to the back of the shuttle? Hiring young, up-and-coming professors that recruit top-notch graduate students and then try to molest them on research trips? Reading tests prior to checking out books? I will not remain long enough to find out. I bid a fond adieu to my efllow graduate students remaining behind in the separate, but hardly equal facilities. Installing a keypad and a fold-out desktop on a bathroom stall in the Level B men's room is hardly a “dedicated graduate study,” particularly when the keypad is on the inside of the door and the locks require knowledge of a separate code to exit. WashU, I did not score averagely on the GRE and do moderately well in an easy major in order to be so egregiously disrespected during my effort to postpone my unemployment for two years. You'll be sorry when I'm gone, Brookings. You'll be sorry when the covers of the literature reviews read “Plessy Discovers Origins of Scrotum,” and you will feel just at winge of pain as you scan my bio: “Dylan Plessy, PhD. Emory University.”
Top 10
Career Center Recommendations 1. Sit down, swipe your card, and someone will be with you shortly. 2. Did you know you can work from home and earn $500 a month? The government has millions of dollars just there for you to take! 3. Have you thought about a Rhodes scholarship? 4. Sign up at the Career Center 5. Is it my job to tell you what to be? Iʼm only doing this until I figure out what Iʼm doing. Get the fuck out of my office! 6. Do you know what you can do with a philosophy major? Me neither. Hand me that brochure. 7. Hey, I hear ʻJob Counselorʼ is pretty fun. 8. Have you thought about your future with ITT Tech?
What do you think?
As the world experiences the highest winter temperatures in history, Scientists in Paris have released a 21 page report that purports an unequivocal link between humans and global warming. What do you think?
Bill Nye Science Guy "It's really quite simple, anyone can create global warming at home. All you need is what we have here on the lab table: baking soda, scotch tape, a yard stick, and a balloon."
An Iceberg Demise of Titanic, Lettuce Spokesperson "It's fabulous! I'm losing weight faster than Keira Knightley!"
Isaiah Washington Actor, Bigot
Mr. Freeze Governor
"Man made global warming is simply a fag of science. Wait! Shit, shit, shit. I need this job….. Please don't print that. Please."
"OH NO! I'M FUCKED!"
Terrance Goodhugh Bon Appétit Representative "Now that we don't have to buy our 'employees' coats anymore, burritos will cost only $11.99."