Check out our website, now 404 error free; http://wunderground.wustl.edu Volume 4, Issue 4
Monday, February 18, 2008
Single Stand-Offish Work-Study Student Funding ArtSci Printing
countertop that separates her from the world. “I guess when youʼre personally paying for everyoneʼs ability to print on a meager work-study income of $7 an hour, you get a bit more pissed when people print nonacademic material or multiple copies of the same document.” Following her assumption of the entire cost of every sheet of paper printed from the labʼs 55 computers, Klein created a formal list of rules for patrons of the lab, of which only one copy was printed, laminated and taped to a just-out-of-sight pillar to the right of Kleinʼs work station. The rules include stipulations requiring students to resize documents to fit on one page, adjust Powerpoint slides be fitted to one sheet, and wait at Above: Eads Hall, home of the Artsci least 25 minutes before picking up computing center. even one page of printing. Below: Students wait anxiously to be arbitrarily denied their printing. The lonely nights spent in the computing lab leaning against one of The next time you visit the Arts & the labʼs two Hewlett-Packard TK-421 Sciences Computing Center in the Laserjet printer/scanners while reams basement of Eads Hall to print for of Chemistry notes spool from the free, say hello to Christy Klein, or printers into her fluorescently-tanned sheʼll treat you like the paper-wasting hands from which the papers are mooch you are. passed into the anxious grips of tired Since the imposition of library students have given Klein a sense of printing fees in the Olin library last the gravity of her duty. “I see myself year, the 19 year-old work-study as the Atlas of student printing, carrystudent from Newton, MA has ing the weight of the paper and toner personally assumed the costs of pro- world on my shoulders. And that viding free printing to the entire weight comes in 20 lb, 11” x 17,” WashU student body. bright white cases of 200 sheets.” “I rule with an iron fist around Despite this seemingly altruistic here,” the stocky caucasian female act, Kleinʼs reportedly prickly desaid from behind the faux-granite meanor has upset some students. “I
understand that annually funding $160,000 of printing out of your pocket must get old, but does she really have to be such a bitch about it? “ queried Sophomore Eloc Eldnar with arms crossed while waiting to pick up 40 triple-sided pages of research on the origins of English words in Latin and Greek. “Dealing with her scowls makes my head hurt worse than having to read the text that prints on the edges of the paper.” Others have taken exception toward Kleinʼs posited concern for the environment. “That sausage-fingered bitch yelled at me for wasting trees and paper when I printed out a handful of flyers” remarked Paul Moinahester a noted campus environmentalist and vice-president of campus environmental group Green Action, “before she taunted me with my printing, hurled all of [the flyers] into the trash can with the strength of her man-ish biceps, and told me to burn in a firey landfill hell for wasting trees and her time.” In response to such accusations of questionable conduct, Klein simply points to the numbers. “The Artsci Computing Center reported that 364 pages per day werenʼt being picked up by those that had printed them.” Expressing concern, the dirty blonde added, “I really understand the tragedy of this. I havenʼt been picked up by anyone or anything, ever. Literally, figuratively, or otherwise.”
Floor Cited for Overuse of Celebratory Woo Residents of “mighty” Myers 4 were recently charged with the intentional abuse of the short, celebratory yell “woooo.” Suspicions were raised when the usually enthusiastic saying arrived tired and late to a Myers 44 party on Saturday night. “Subsequent investigation revealed that rules regarding the use of ʻwooooo!ʼ had been blatantly violated several times last week,” said Sgt. Mike Cook, a WUPD spokesperson. “I have to admit, I havenʼt seen celebratory negligence this horrifying since the ʻwhoop it upʼ craze of the mid-nineties.” According to the official charges, the first infraction occurred Monday during a 2:00 p.m. economics lecture when Myers 41 resident Levi Baker uttered the exclamation after adjunct professor Kevin Kliesen cursorily mentioned Bakerʼs hometown of Paducah, KY. The phrase was allegedly used inappropriately throughout the week by other Myers 4 floor members in numerous settings, including the screening of a scene reenacting colonial agriculture on the Discovery Times channel, as an expression of
Wooo-STL: The 2008 residents of Myers 4 face stiff fines for their abuse of the celebratory exclamation. The student pictured in striped shirt, rear, faces separate charges for being the pictured pose.
jubilation about finding Daddy Yankeeʼs ʻGasolinaʼ on the free music provider Ruckus, and when half of an old Cheeto was found between the cushions of the heavily Scotchguarded common room couch. Officials say the “repeated and intentional abuse” of this phrase by the floor whose Facebook group describes it as the “embodiment of cool” led to the exhausted state it displayed on the Saturday night
party. The officials added with regret that “[woooo!] might never return to being that same carefree saying we all know and love.” While a collective punishment for the floor remains undecided, the universityʼs Director on Celebratory and Punitive Policy Jill Henne suggest that "woooo!" should only be hollered in two instances: after winning a close game of Fuck the Dealer at Alabama State University, and never.
40% Virgins
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Buried WUnderground: Library Computer Still Loading Your Personal Settings William H. Danforth Pre-Posthumously Awarded Memorial Bench
Reading ʻElevenʼ Fails to Make up for Liking DMB Opinion: I Have One, So Listen
Stud Life Sex Issue Survey: Patel Not Opposed to Idea of Three Way KWUR Reduced to iPod FM Transmitter Student Health Services: Fake Name 100% Effective Prophylactic
Volume 4, Issue 4
Monday, February 18, 2008
Student Reinvents Self Through Purchase of MacBook, New Shoes
Doyle with the MacBook that has redefined his life. His parents' $1,200 price limit prohibited the purchase of the computer's black version and its additional RAM.
A Washington University freshman recently underwent a complete make-over of personality and appearance after buying a MacBook and a new pair of shoes from the Saint Louis Galleria on Tuesday. Freshman Brian Doyle, a Political-Science major from a moderately affluent north Chicago suburb, claims the total personal transformation occurred shortly after purchasing the newest entry-level Macintosh laptop from the Apple Store and a pair of black Chuck Taylor Converse AllStars from Journeyʼs.
“I donʼt really know what came has been reported at WashU. In 2006, sophomore Jane Everett over me. I mean, Iʼm at heart a right-click guy, but the community purchased an iMac from the Galseemed so supportive and nurtur- leria Apple store, and was noticed ing, and the brilliant color scheme undergoing similar changes. “I of OS X Leopard looks so clean,” was the typical WashU student Doyle said, attaching a one-sided from Long Island, but when my sticky Apple decal to his Jeep Lib- Dell Inspiron notebook broke, I ertyʼs rear windshield. “After that, just gave in to the Mac,” Everett said via the rich colors and high the only logical place to go next resolution of her iMacʼs sleekly inwas Journeyʼs. With worldwide tegrated iSight camera. “Eventusales of 750 million units, Conally, I just couldnʼt deal with verse All-Stars just emanate an people who didnʼt see things the aura of individuality and independent free-thinking” said Doyle. way I did. I tried to transfer to the Doyleʼs friends have noticed a Art School, but even there, it wasnʼt enough. So I moved to Mali.” change in his demeanor with the In spite of the criticism from purchases. friends, Doyle claims this isnʼt a “Iʼve known Brian for a good phase that will pass. “Iʼm already five or six weeks now, and he in it for the long haul. Next weeknever really seemed like a Mac kind of guy,” said long-time Doyle end Iʼm going to buy a messenconfidant Emily Mercer. “He liked ger bag, a handful of buttons with sports a lot, and didnʼt really care trite political messages on them about bio-fuels or smoking pot, so which I can pin to the strap of my this came as quite a shock. bag, and one of those French When he came back with the Mac Army style hats. I canʼt wait.” and Chucks, he started talking about the poor socio-economic conditions of Americaʼs inner cities and stopped hitting on me altogether. Now he just sits in his room and talks with Ben, the guy from our floor who lived in a tree for three years.” This isnʼt the first time a personal over"I'm going to line the strap with Obama pins" thought haul of this magnitude Doyle as he ordered the bag from Urbanoutfitters.com
Innuendo Laden Sophomore Vows to Plant His Seed in SP2008
Smith, yet to formally declare a concentration, has informed friends that he intends to major in the "anatomy" subsection of the "Women's Studies" department.
The arrival of the new semester brings with it an inexhaustible flood of cliché resolutions, most of which will be abandoned earlyFebruary. One Washington University student, however, is devoted to seeing his resolution through to the very climax. After a 19 year dry spell, Sophomore
Mike Smith has decided spring semester 2008 will be the year he finally pops his cherry. "I'm a nice enough guy, and not fugly or anything," Smith claims, "but I just can't seal the deal.” According to the virgin, girls tend to think of him as cute rather than hot. “I've been told I have a brotherly quality that girls just love… in a b-f-f kind of way. Not a b-o-n-e kind of way.” He added, “I'm going to turn twenty this year. This shit is getting ridiculous." While Smith has had no luck with the old in-out in-out thus far, he has made it as far as second base on one occasion. According to shameless eyewitnesses, while in a drunken stupor at a birthday party last October, Smith groped unsuspecting Freshman Holly Wholsum on a Hurd suite balcony, but according to later oral testimony entered by Smith on a Fajita salad run later that night, she refused to allow him to visit the “Bush inaugural ball” or even to “let her massive weapons to be inspected.” Since the evening, Wholsum has stated publicly that she is not
ready to enter into the emotional bond created by sex, and that the overt rejection was not due to her nominal sexual attraction toward Smith. Despite this, Smith believes his lack of studliness is the true driving force behind his inability to finally make his maiden voyage into the dark, damp unknown. "I've been a lame-o. But no longer. This is the year. I'm just gonna bite the bullet and sink my rocket. I got some lessons from my big brother: he told me how to woo a woman's heart with a Flock of Seagulls haircut, parachute pants and mixed tapes. It worked for him in the [nineteen] eighties, and everything is really retro right now so it's bound to work. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna go tup me some ewes." For Mike Smith, 2008 will surely be a year to remember. It is unsure whether young Mr. Smith will finally ford the river or his oxen will drown in the process, but this year will surely bring great happiness—or sorrow—to one man with a dream. With luck, a wet one.
How Are We Avoiding Getting Mugged?
9%
24%
21%
30%
16%
Preemptively handing over wallet to anyone in a hooded sweatshirt
Looking poor Strategically placed banana peels Having Roger drive us in the Town Car to Mudd
Uzi
WUnderground is a satirical newspaper and should be taken about as seriously as Tom Sizemoreʼs career prospects. The quotes and events reported in this paper are completely fictitious… at least to our knowledge. Any resemblance to persons living, ailing, or dead is completely intentional. Dennis Mickley Commander in Chief Bill Brasky Fire Chief f Elizabeth Romaner Empress of Japan Aleya Broadway Chief Import Jason Feldman Master Chief Chiefs of Staff: Aleya Broadway Jeremy Carroll Bobby Harvey Leah Marks Danny McCullough Nora Tane We are actively recruiting new chiefs. If you would like to write, edit, doodle, edit, spelcheck, or rig the Studlife Sex Survery, email us at wundergr@su. wustl.edu and join our Facebook group!
ISSN: 1938 - 0097
Volume 4, Issue 4
WUnderground Open Forum
Dude, Youʼre Totally Ruining College For Me
Monday, February 18, 2008
Why Arenʼt We Taking the Metrolink?
Lloyd Blagsha; Vice-President, Order of Omega
The Definitive Guide for Women Looking for Love at Wash U: Part 1 Andy Coe; Undergraduate
Hello, ladies. First, let me just clear the air: love does not exist. It is a fallacy, promoted by movies and pop culture mythology. But for the purpose of this article, we will assume that it is out there, waiting for you, like Zach Efron and your sure-to-be-a-winner scratch and sniff lottery ticket from Route 64 Donuts. Listen carefully: I am going to tell you how to find yourself a man who 'loves' you. We both know that the most integral, profound, and beautiful part of romance is not what lurks on your partner's surface - but what lies within their soul. That is why cute-as-a-button John Cusack always gets the girl in the movies; and also, that is why the first thing you talk about with your friends upon meeting a new man is the junk in his trunk, or vice versa. That is why pudgy Britney Spears is now a degenerate hookerface, but her lithe, barely-dressed schoolgirl incarnation of Hit Me One More Time was an innocent virgin with a heart of gold. So, consider, ladies: are you properly radiating your inner goodness through your outer prostitute? This same rule applies to assessing a man's character. Men who dress well are genuinely good. Because they dress well. And appearances don't lie. Ignore the scruffy "artiste" types. They will 'love' their paintbrush more than you. A proper man, who signifies his value through a high-collared polo shirt and a slimming pair of khakis, will only love their money more than you. And that's something you can use for manis and pedis. Now that you have your dream man, I will tell you how to solve the unavoidable relationship strife caused by your petty needs and demands. Be wary of happiness. If it feels like a fairy tale, then it will also seem like a fairy tale for the Swedish exchange student that he's boofing in the utility closet. To prevent him from realizing he deserves better, you must force yourself into every aspect of his life like a virulent strain of bacteria. Scan his phone history conversation, noting of any call over 2 minutes as a possible non-you emotional connection. Learn his email password, and delete any correspondence from any female rivals, including his mother. Take control of his finances and schedule. If you succeed at all these things, then, even as your relationship inevitably turns towards boredom and malice, he will be unable to leave you. With this foundation, you're well on your way towards 'love'. Stay tuned for my next indispensable installment, and in the meantime, <pithy line>.
21% Dealer Comes to us now
8%
11%
Stationsʼ neon lights giving seizures
13% Horny
6%
No Bear's Den stop
2%
Pricey
14%
Burnt out on Union Station, Hard Rock Cafe
12% Too intellectual
Weʼve always been there for each other bro. Like that time you totally jumped on the pork grenade so I could hook up with her freshmen friend. That was awesome, and thatʼs just the tip of the proverbial poon iceberg. But right now weʼre down five cups and I gotta say, youʼre totally ruining college for me. I didnʼt put on my best polo and a half canister of Axe body spray just to talk to the handful of girls in this basement. This cotton pique is the war gear for the only battle I know how to win at: beer pong. See these 300 dollar sunglasses I have dangling uselessly beneath my chin? Yeah, you donʼt bust out that kind of needlessly expensive apparel for just any occasion or for blocking harmful UV rays from your retinas. These are my victory glasses, hanging beneath my victory chin, and right now youʼre totally sucking defeat cock. When you asked to pair up with me, you said “Dude, Iʼm totally on tonight”. I didnʼt know that all of a sudden you were going to die faster than Fred Thompsonʼs presidential bid. Dog, Lou Vega made more hits than you. Watching you rim cup after cup is like watching Britney Spears try to get her career back; sad, pathetic, and more than a little annoying. And I sure as hell donʼt want to hear you say, “Dude, itʼs just a game” ever again. Was it a game for you when I rocked a 2.1 GPA for the first four semesters at college despite ponging five nights a week? Like Gary Kasparov, Iʼve dedicated all I have in the world to this game. You know Samantha? Yeah, she left me. Fuck her, if she doesnʼt want to spend hours on end in the basement watching me play, sheʼs a selfish bitch. I just got a letter from the Deanʼs office that I may be markedly short on credit. Iʼve spent all my money on Keystone Ice. Thatʼs my shit to deal with, but Iʼm not going to let you knock over what Iʼve built. Man up, use some backspin, and make this okay for me.
Less romantic than bus
4%
Trust-issue laden girlfriend won't let me
9%
Can get mugged on campus
Volume 4, Issue 4
Friday, February 18, 2008
Whispers Study Break Game: Bum or Distinguished Professor? A)
B)
C)
D)
E)
F)
Answers: A) Professor Richard Smith, Distinguished Alfred R. Murrow Chair of Anthropology; B) Bum; C) Bum; D) Professor Mike Gordinier; E) Professor James L. Gibson, Sidney W. Souers Professor of Government; F) Bum
What Do You Think?
Top 10 Favorite Punctuation Marks
!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! 1. . 2. , 3. ; (tie) 3. ¿ 5. … 6. \ 7. “ 8. { 9. 10. / 11. ʻ 12. [ 13. !
Valentineʼs Day marks the brutal martyrdom of the Catholic Saint Valentine of Rome who was beaten to death and then beheaded in 269 AD before a roaring crowd of Pagans eager for Christian blood. This year, it was on a Thursday. What did you do for the holiday of lovers?
MAN, Eternally Dateless, Class of ʻ93
Tom Brady, NFL MVP, Loser
“My Valentineʼs Day was the ʻKrunchy Kabombʼ at Kayakʼs coffee, and then a nice trip home with my noose.”
“I donʼt like to make a big deal out of these commercial holidays. I just treated it like any other Thursday by knocking up a supermodel and buying a new car.”
Cupid, God of Erotic Love
Melissa Etheridge, Lesbian “Ate Out.”
"Shooting spree at malls, schools."